lesley
Drama Llama
My best friend Turriff, desperately missed.
Posts: 7,172
Location: Scotland, Scotland, Scotland
Jul 6, 2014 21:50:44 GMT
|
Post by lesley on Oct 7, 2015 17:59:07 GMT
I'm sure if your granddaughter had died, you wouldn't have found out via Facebook. You would probably been the first person she would have called. But that thankfully didn't happen, so don't fret too much about finding out the same way other people did. I hate FB, but I must admit, there were times when my DD was rushed to hospital, that this was how I chose to let people know quickly. My mum wasn't online, so she found out once I got back home, and knew DD was okay, or from my nephew or niece telling her. I would never have phoned her from the hospital, for many reasons.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 2, 2024 22:54:58 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2015 17:59:59 GMT
Except that she took her focus off her DD long enough to post on facebook and do exactly that, tell everyone. Except the grandmother apparently. OP, I'll validate you, I'd be pissed. Family first, THEN facebook if you have to. Family IS on facebook. Facebook isn't just random people to most of us, and especially to the younger set. I have to laugh at the memory of my grandparents getting a telephone. They were just so irritated at "those youngsters and that new fangled thang" and how no body under 40 bothered to actually drive out 15 miles to talk to them "like in the old days" Times have changed again. If you want to be communicated with it is going to be up to you to check social media and texts often.
|
|
|
Post by mom on Oct 7, 2015 17:59:42 GMT
Except that she took her focus off her DD long enough to post on facebook and do exactly that, tell everyone. Except the grandmother apparently. OP, I'll validate you, I'd be pissed. Family first, THEN facebook if you have to. But, in this case family IS on facebook. So, by posting on facebook she did notify everyone. agreed. It isn't like she excluded her mom from finding out on Facebook like everyone else.
|
|
|
Post by epeanymous on Oct 7, 2015 18:04:24 GMT
I have an impossible time getting a signal at the children's hospital here and they ask you not to make calls. So if I were able to get some activity on my phone at all I would want to maximize that, plus minimize my time on my device.
One thing I am not sure I saw mentioned, most people have a lot of local people on their FB. It sounds like you aren't local to your daughter. I have often seen people put things on Facebook not just to inform as many people as possible quickly, but so that local people can mobilize to help. It is much, much easier and quicker than calling or texting fifty people to see who might be available.
|
|
|
Post by compeateropeator on Oct 7, 2015 18:08:13 GMT
While I understand what the majority of those replying are saying and can see the whys... I would be totally devasted if I found out that my niece or nephew was in the hospital by Facebook,and truthfully I am pretty sure (but the peas taught me to never say never ) that it would never happen. Once there was a calm minute I can pretty much guarantee that my brother would be getting in touch with me and my parents. My sister-in-law would be doing the same thing with her family. But that is my family and that is how we are, I understand all families and circumstances are different. I am notified/called about a lot of things...from the silly to the "you won't believe what" niece/nephew did. But (so far ) always for medical issues that require a hospital visit. I am sorry about how you found out about your DGD but I would try to let it go and focus on offering whatever support you can to your DD, DGD, and the rest of their family. ETA: Now that I reread my post, I think devasted is a little exaggeration but I would be sad.
|
|
IAmUnoriginal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,894
Jun 25, 2014 23:27:45 GMT
|
Post by IAmUnoriginal on Oct 7, 2015 18:09:55 GMT
I think your daughter used FB as a way to quickly reach everyone who would want/need to know what was going on. If people replied to her post there, all info was kept in one spot, including any updates she may have decided to provide. If she sent a text to you, a text to MIL, a text to her BFF, a text to her sibling, etc, she could have multiple replies and have to repeat the same message to each person who replied. Even in a group text, if people don't respond to the whole group, those replies can come in individually. I think your daughter was trying to be efficient in her communication, not exclude you or anyone else, while dealing with an emergency and medical staff.
Don't lecture her. Don't guilt her with your disappointment. She did what worked for her and her family at that time.
|
|
|
Post by papercrafteradvocate on Oct 7, 2015 18:13:24 GMT
She had time to post on FB, she had time to text someone!
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 2, 2024 22:54:58 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2015 18:18:22 GMT
She had time to post on FB, she had time to text someone! That's the point... FB tells everyone, texting doesn't. Or if she sends a group text, people pore through who else is on there and get miffed that they were lumped in with Betty Sue, who's barely even a friend. Or people get pissed because they they get all the responses or blah blah blah.
|
|
grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
|
Post by grinningcat on Oct 7, 2015 18:21:31 GMT
I totally get what you're saying. However, as the daughter on the other side of the country, I get what she did. I won't inform my mother until I absolutely have to because having her fretting across the country is pointless. So I won't say anything at all unless it's critical and she needs to know. Because that additional pressure from mom is too much to handle when I am trying to deal with the more immediate stuff that's right in front of my face. And most of the time, even if I did tell her what's going on the last thing I wanted to do was have a long drawn out conversation with her in the middle of a crisis. It's not that I don't love my mother or respect her, it's just that I'm both exhausted and overwhelmed and I just can't deal with one more person requiring my attention. Calling just gets to be too much. Texting is easier to do. Yes, she should have said something before posting on Facebook but I also see where she's coming from. And where you are coming from as well. I'm in agreement with this until the facebook thing. If dd doesn't have enough time to text family quickly, she doesn't have enough time to put it on fb. Fb should not be a news source of hospitalizations or deaths. I totally get what you're saying. However, in my experience, it's a lot faster to do one status update rather than text a bunch of family. And it reaches a much wider audience with FB. Not saying that it's right, but that I can see the appeal.
|
|
|
Post by threegirls on Oct 7, 2015 18:22:33 GMT
My daughter went to the ER and was admitted to the ICU. After she was in ICU and things had calmed down a little, my husband went outside and called my mom. I then called her a little later to talk with her. My mom isn't just one of 5,0000000 FB "friends" she's my mom. To me it would just come across as cold to treat her the same as some person I barely know via FB.
|
|
grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
|
Post by grinningcat on Oct 7, 2015 18:25:05 GMT
I don't think she could win here. She posts on FB and you are mad to find out that way. She doesn't post and you wouldn't have known anything until it was all over. I feel fairly certain you would have been mad about that. She was focused on her daughter and must have been terrified. Think about HER feelings, not yours. I think you thank your lucky stars that your granddaughter is OK and you don't spend one more second being irritated that you weren't your daughter's top concern when she was going through an emergency with her daughter. Posting something like this on Facebook lets the daughter inform people what she knows without having to take time out to individually contact everyone - which is absolutely unrealistic in a situation like this IMO. ETA: I think you are making a HUGE mistake if you bring this up with your daughter later. If my mom did that, I would be SO PISSED that she thought her communication preferences should be my top priority when I was going through a very scary, potentially life-threatening situation with my child. I am not one to hold grudges, but that just might get me to. It's so profoundly selfish IMO. I totally agree with your ETA. If my mom got pissed at me after the fact because I didn't contact her in what she deemed a "timely" manner or in the way she deemed appropriate when I am in the middle of a crisis, I can guarantee that it would be the last time she heard anything of importance from me first hand. Mother is not the top priority, the person in crisis is. And if people don't like that, tough shit, they go to the bottom of the list of having to know anything. I agree that it's selfish.
|
|
peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,598
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
|
Post by peabay on Oct 7, 2015 18:25:10 GMT
I can back you up, OP. I would be frustrated by learning about something that important on FB as well. I do think she should've contacted you first and then posted it for every single person she's ever come into contact with. Now that you've vented to us, let it go. Focus on that baby and the fact that she's going to be okay.
|
|
|
Post by Jockscrap on Oct 7, 2015 18:26:27 GMT
So I agree with OP. I think it is terrible for her to find out about her DGD on facebook. I took my DD to the ER a few weeks back. We elected not to call our parents and tell them for a variety of reasons - we didn't know what was wrong, we didn't want the grandparents at the hospital, mine were on vacation and I didn't want them worried about it, etc. It was a conscious decision NOT to call them. However, because I made that choice, I would NEVER have posted our ER visit on FB. My parents and in-laws would have been furious to read it like that. I completely agree with this post. I can understand there are reasons why someone may not want to let grandparents know that their grandchild is unwell. But if that is the case, it shouldn't be put on Facebook. Your DD must have known there was always a chance someone would read the post and ask you about your grandchild, or you would see the post yourself. It's especially upsetting as you knew part of the story but not all of it, so you were left worrying and waiting for news. I'm really sorry OP and I completely validate you! Please try and get over your hurt - it's done now, and thank goodness DGD is doing well which is the only thing that really matters. Having said that, when everything is calmed down, I probably would say to DD that you found her posting on FB without telling you upsetting.
|
|
grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
|
Post by grinningcat on Oct 7, 2015 18:27:44 GMT
She had time to post on FB, she had time to text someone! That's the point... FB tells everyone, texting doesn't. Or if she sends a group text, people pore through who else is on there and get miffed that they were lumped in with Betty Sue, who's barely even a friend. Or people get pissed because they they get all the responses or blah blah blah. This exactly. When you have 10 seconds, what's more effective? Finding and selecting a bunch of people for a group text or putting it out on Facebook where you know the right people will see it right away? Seems simple to me.
|
|
|
Post by Darcy Collins on Oct 7, 2015 18:30:44 GMT
Am I the only one wondering why the heck your husband didn't call/text to find out what was going on? Get over the text versus call issue totally. It's much, much, much easier to communicate via text in that type of a situation than a phone call. I MIGHT consider asking her to please send you a quick text next time as you're not as connected to facebook and would hate to have not realized there was an emergency.
|
|
rodeomom
Pearl Clutcher
Refupee # 380 "I don't have to run fast, I just have to run faster than you."
Posts: 3,658
Location: Chickasaw Nation, Oklahoma
Jun 25, 2014 23:34:38 GMT
|
Post by rodeomom on Oct 7, 2015 18:52:36 GMT
I don't think my DD would ever do that! I hope not anyway. She would have call as soon as she could. SIL would have called his mother. She would have called her brother who is 15 mins away. I think facebook would have been the farthest think from her mind. Even her grandmother would not have like to have found out about it on facebook. She might have posted something on facebook a few days later.
But families are different, what works for one might not for another.
So glad the baby is OK!
|
|
|
Post by bearmom on Oct 7, 2015 18:56:11 GMT
WiFi vs signal. Facebook messages are posted over WiFi while texting requires a signal. There are many places where I work where you can't get a signal while the entire hospital had WiFi.
I wouldn't leave my young child to call or text anyone, unless it was dh.
|
|
|
Post by disneypal on Oct 7, 2015 19:03:03 GMT
Well I will validate you. I'd be very upset too. I understand she had her hands full but if she could take 2 min to post on FB, she could at least take 2 min to (at the very least) send you a text first.
I'm glad DGD is okay but this was a big deal and she should have picked up the phone to call you and let you know. While DGD was in surgery, she could have at least called then to give you an update.
|
|
|
Post by Darcy Collins on Oct 7, 2015 19:06:12 GMT
WiFi vs signal. Facebook messages are posted over WiFi while texting requires a signal. There are many places where I work where you can't get a signal while the entire hospital had WiFi. I wouldn't leave my young child to call or text anyone, unless it was dh. You can text over wifi.
|
|
|
Post by JustCallMeMommy on Oct 7, 2015 19:09:01 GMT
I would expect a call or a text if an immediate family member was taken to the hospital for an emergency and definitely before they went into surgery. I would post on Facebook at some point, but I'd make the phone call that starts with, "Everyone is OK, but..." before I did anything else.
My mom lost a brother in a scheduled surgery, and she has been particularly nervous and sensitive about surgeries since. If I called my mom in a situation like this, she and my dad would be in the car driving up (2.5-3 hours) before we got off the phone....which, I guess, could be a reason NOT to call if I didn't want them to come.
IMO, I think it would be appropriate to wait a few weeks and then hold a family conversation about when everyone wants to be notified in an emergency. Maybe even take it from the perspective of if something happens to you or her dad.
|
|
|
Post by Baseballmom23 on Oct 7, 2015 19:10:59 GMT
So I agree with OP. I think it is terrible for her to find out about her DGD on facebook. I took my DD to the ER a few weeks back. We elected not to call our parents and tell them for a variety of reasons - we didn't know what was wrong, we didn't want the grandparents at the hospital, mine were on vacation and I didn't want them worried about it, etc. It was a conscious decision NOT to call them. However, because I made that choice, I would NEVER have posted our ER visit on FB. My parents and in-laws would have been furious to read it like that. This is how I feel. My boys play sports and have been to the ER or Urgent care for injuries. I would never post about it on FB for fear that my parents or relatives would see it. I would tell my parents after the fact, when all was okay. If for some reason it would be on FB, I would text my parents to let them know and tell them I will keep them updated.
|
|
miyooper2b
Full Member
Posts: 329
Location: Central Indiana
Jun 27, 2014 15:38:05 GMT
|
Post by miyooper2b on Oct 7, 2015 19:11:36 GMT
So it appears the majority says I need to let this go, so I will.
And at this point I don't need to say anything anyway because DD's step-mom is ticked that DD didn't call or text her or her dad either (my ex). They found out because SIL called his parents after the kids got to the hospital and then SIL's parents called Step Mom and Ex this morning asking for an update. Step Mom and Ex had not checked Facebook in the last 24 hours and didn't know anything!
I'm staying out now because I know Step Mom will let DD know her feelings about the situation. She's one to speak her mind, loudly and often.
|
|
miyooper2b
Full Member
Posts: 329
Location: Central Indiana
Jun 27, 2014 15:38:05 GMT
|
Post by miyooper2b on Oct 7, 2015 19:11:55 GMT
Woo hoo! And with that last post I'm a full member! Yea for me!
|
|
|
Post by ingrid6 on Oct 7, 2015 19:13:41 GMT
Well I will validate you. I'd be very upset too. I understand she had her hands full but if she could take 2 min to post on FB, she could at least take 2 min to (at the very least) send you a text first.
I'm glad DGD is okay but this was a big deal and she should have picked up the phone to call you and let you know. While DGD was in surgery, she could have at least called then to give you an update.
I'll validate you as well. I'm glad your DGD is okay.
|
|
|
Post by annabella on Oct 7, 2015 19:17:45 GMT
I'm really surprised at this thread, makes me wonder if a lot of people have dysfunctional relationships, don't like talking to family, rather post dramatic messages on facebook for validation which they of course will be checking every minute for likes.
I was in the ER last month and everyone was on their cell phone. I always call my mother immediately when something important happens. I don't put my problems on facebook because I don't want to be a drama queen always complaining about shit (not saying this about this incident). But I have seen vague posts on facebook of someone with an IV in their arm but no explanation. I'd rather talk to my mother on the phone then get all my acquaintances on fb to care.
|
|
MizIndependent
Drama Llama
Quit your bullpoop.
Posts: 5,836
Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
|
Post by MizIndependent on Oct 7, 2015 19:20:29 GMT
Okay...I understand you're frightened and all that but, seriously? Your issue is that your DD didn't inform you of what's happening as it's happening? I would think you'd be really glad that she's got all her attention focused on her dd through this instead of spending her energy telling everyone everything, then updating them every five minutes.Yeah, not cool to learn about something like this on Facebook but I'm pretty sure she wasn't really thinking about you and your feelings when she was told her dd needed surgery. I'm really glad she's alright. ETA: Here's a thought, maybe she didn't want to unnecessarily alarm you before she knew what was happening herself. Except that she took her focus off her DD long enough to post on facebook and do exactly that, tell everyone. Except the grandmother apparently. OP, I'll validate you, I'd be pissed. Family first, THEN facebook if you have to. I never said I agreed with her posting to facebook. Rather, I think it's quite narcissistic for OP to be seemingly more concerned with being informed as opposed to what her DD is/was likely going through with her situation. ETA: Uh...OP found out probably the same way everyone else did- VIA Facebook. Now, I may be reading OP wrong here, but it seems like she's pissed because her DD didn't single her out specially to call her directly and let her know the situation. She was lumped in with the crowd and now she's upset because shouldn't grandma have a higher status than everyone else? Shouldn't she have gotten a personal phone call? To that I answer - yes. She probably should have. That she didn't could be indicative of the stress her DD was under at the time. I wouldn't take something like this so personally. People often do things incorrectly when under high stress and, if you're a narcissist like my mother is, I won't be calling so you can twist it to somehow make it all about you. That's the last thing I'd need in an emergency situation.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 2, 2024 22:54:58 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2015 19:38:27 GMT
So it appears the majority says I need to let this go, so I will. And at this point I don't need to say anything anyway because DD's step-mom is ticked that DD didn't call or text her or her dad either (my ex). They found out because SIL called his parents after the kids got to the hospital and then SIL's parents called Step Mom and Ex this morning asking for an update. Step Mom and Ex had not checked Facebook in the last 24 hours and didn't know anything! I'm staying out now because I know Step Mom will let DD know her feelings about the situation. She's one to speak her mind, loudly and often.
So now, there were at least 3 different phone calls that had to be made to keep the parent group from getting upset -- mom/stepdad, dad/stepmom, MIL/FIL? I can totally understand just one FB message honestly. And who knows who else "needed" to be called so as to not hurt feelings? Others have added brothers and sisters to the list of who MUST be called prior to posting anything on FB. Doesn't sound like FIL/MIL felt it important to call you or your ex last night either. Honestly it was probably the last thing on their mind and they did what was easiest at the time FOR THEM.
That said I don't even have a smart phone so I wouldn't have access to Facebook except at home, so I would probably miss the message. I do generally check there though before I go to bed and in the morning when I get up. It wouldn't be my first go to, but I do understand why it could be the easiest way for most people to get a message out to the largest amount of people quickly.
Right now this whole discussion should be about helping DD/DSIL/gDD rather than how it was all communicated and getting your feelings hurt especially since you are far enough away that you can't be there to help. Make it about THEM!
|
|
MizIndependent
Drama Llama
Quit your bullpoop.
Posts: 5,836
Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
|
Post by MizIndependent on Oct 7, 2015 19:42:12 GMT
So it appears the majority says I need to let this go, so I will. And at this point I don't need to say anything anyway because DD's step-mom is ticked that DD didn't call or text her or her dad either (my ex). They found out because SIL called his parents after the kids got to the hospital and then SIL's parents called Step Mom and Ex this morning asking for an update. Step Mom and Ex had not checked Facebook in the last 24 hours and didn't know anything! I'm staying out now because I know Step Mom will let DD know her feelings about the situation. She's one to speak her mind, loudly and often. Oh, that's just excellent isn't it. So now, on top having a child that was so sick she needed surgery and having to deal with all the stress and fear that goes along with that, not to mention having to also keep her other child level and keep everything as together as possible, now she'll have to deal with a familial pile-on about how she didn't consider everyone else's feelings, in the middle of her child's emergency situation? I know I'm not the only one here who can see just how fucked up that is. I really, really feel for your daughter. Right now this whole discussion should be about helping DD/DSIL/gDD rather than how it was all communicated and getting your feelings hurt especially since you are far enough away that you can't be there to help. Make it about THEM! If I agreed any harder, I'd hurt something important.
|
|
|
Post by gmcwife1 on Oct 7, 2015 19:49:37 GMT
I think you have a right to be ticked. She had time to post it on face book but not call you! She must have known you would have been very concerned when you saw it on Facebook. I would let it pass, but, I would have been ticked too. I'm not much of a Facebook poster, but I can post from my phone in less than 30 seconds while ANY call to my mom will be a minimum of 30+ minutes no matter how much I try to get off. All of us sisters routinely leave her house as group now or else the one left behind will not get out in less than an additional hour. My mom is the queen of talkers and can keep a conversation going forever.
|
|
|
Post by mellowyellow on Oct 7, 2015 19:57:06 GMT
I truly think you are losing sight of the real blessing here. Your DGD was in the hospital and had to have surgery. Just be thankful that she's ok and let this go. With your most recent update...I'm just shaking my head because now your DD has several family members mad at her. She is a grown adult and handled it the best way she saw fit....end of story.
If I were in that position, I would not have posted on fb but I also wouldn't have called or texted my mom either until I knew my DD was out of the woods. My mom and I are very close but she is a total Negative Nelly and she would be calling me and texting me non-stop if I had let her know. Seriously...my phone would go off all day with her asking me questions. Heck, she does that now and it doesn't even have to be a serious situation. I worry enough on my own and I don't need my mother adding that stress to me. So...please try to see it from her side of things.
I'm sorry you were hurt and I'm really glad your DGD is doing better.
|
|