miyooper2b
Full Member
Posts: 329
Location: Central Indiana
Jun 27, 2014 15:38:05 GMT
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Post by miyooper2b on Oct 7, 2015 15:26:45 GMT
Okay, I have updated information if anyone is interested. I'm sure it probably won't change any minds but I'm going to post it anyway. First, at no time was DGD#2 considered "critical". She started not feeling well at the beginning of the week. DD thought is was due to her teething or she was catching whatever her sister brought home from preschool. Tuesday afternoon DD calls the nurses hotline because she is starting to get concerned. The nurse tells her to make an appointment with their doctor. Doctor's office is closed so DD and SIL drive DGD#2 to hospital. That's when they find the partially collapsed lung. This is around 4:00 pm. Emergency room doctors deem that DGD#2 can wait until morning for a scope (not surgery as was originally posted on Facebook). SIL stays at the hospital. DD drives DGD #1 home gets her dinner, puts her to bed. This was probably around 8:00 p.m. their time. DGD#2 had the scope yesterday morning. They found the obstruction and removed it. By lunch she was sitting up in bed, eating regular food and upset with all the wires and tubes and people poking at her. They expect her to go home with a couple of days. I did talk briefly to DD late yesterday afternoon and kept it short and sweet because she was trying to keep DGD from climbing out of the bed. I did not, nor will I say anything about the Facebook post. I will say this: Based on one single post I find the peas perception's about me and my family interesting. I suppose this is based on their experiences within their families. Some have made me out to be a narcissist, out of touch, and have a poor relationship with my daughter. For being a lurker pea I've acquired a questionable reputation in a very short time. Original Post: Last night I was at a meeting and had my phone on silence. Got home around 9:00 pm and DH says you might want to call DD#2. Why I ask. He says DD#2 (34) posted on Facebook that DGD#2 (18 mos.) was in the hospital with pneumonia and a collapsed lung! Grabbed my phone to check, no call or text from her. Called her, left a message, which is typical because DD doesn't answer calls. So I text her asking what was going on. Got a short response back that DGD was doing okay, DD would get back with me. Told her ok, call me when you have a moment. No call back. Earlier this morning I text DD again asking what's going on. Got a response that they were doing surgery this am to check the lung. Later this morning I got a call from SIL that surgery was done, all okay (DGD somehow inhaled a piece of an almond). Told him thank you and to keep us up to date. So, I'm trying not to be ticked at DD over 1. posting this on Facebook and not even attempting to call or text me before she did and 2. for having to do everything by text and not willing to make a frickin' phone call over something this important! I know she is worried over the baby and trying to deal with a 3 year old at home. But DH and I would have never known about this if he hadn't happen to be surfing Facebook at that time. I wouldn't have seen the post until this morning. I guess this is really a PVM post because after things settle down I'll probably say something to DD about this. BTW, DD and family live half way across the country from me so it's not like I can hop in the car and run up to the hospital. Which I would have done if they were closer.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 2, 2024 23:54:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2015 15:37:33 GMT
Oh my DEAR!! That is so frightening!!!!! I am glad your DGD is going to be okay. As far as your daughter not calling, honestly, I am with you on this one......she put it on facebook before even calling her mother! ! ack!!!! Maybe she did not want to worry you??
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MizIndependent
Drama Llama
Quit your bullpoop.
Posts: 5,836
Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
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Post by MizIndependent on Oct 7, 2015 15:46:19 GMT
Okay...I understand you're frightened and all that but, seriously? Your issue is that your DD didn't inform you of what's happening as it's happening?
I would think you'd be really glad that she's got all her attention focused on her dd through this instead of spending her energy telling everyone everything, then updating them every five minutes.
Yeah, not cool to learn about something like this on Facebook but I'm pretty sure she wasn't really thinking about you and your feelings when she was told her dd needed surgery.
I'm really glad she's alright.
ETA: Here's a thought, maybe she didn't want to unnecessarily alarm you before she knew what was happening herself.
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Post by bianca42 on Oct 7, 2015 15:49:37 GMT
Playing devil's advocate. Maybe she was frantic and put something on FB quick to get people praying and sending positive thoughts. It takes less than a minute to make a FB post. Calling Mom takes more time. Maybe she was low on cell phone battery. Maybe she was trying to focus on your granddaughter. When I went to the emergency room last week, there were signs everywhere that cell phones were prohibited...so maybe she couldn't call. There are any number of reasons that she could have posted without calling.
I think that you should let go of the hurt feelings and focus on the fact that it sounds like your granddaughter is going to be okay.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Oct 7, 2015 15:51:42 GMT
I totally get what you're saying. However, as the daughter on the other side of the country, I get what she did. I won't inform my mother until I absolutely have to because having her fretting across the country is pointless. So I won't say anything at all unless it's critical and she needs to know. Because that additional pressure from mom is too much to handle when I am trying to deal with the more immediate stuff that's right in front of my face. And most of the time, even if I did tell her what's going on the last thing I wanted to do was have a long drawn out conversation with her in the middle of a crisis.
It's not that I don't love my mother or respect her, it's just that I'm both exhausted and overwhelmed and I just can't deal with one more person requiring my attention. Calling just gets to be too much. Texting is easier to do.
Yes, she should have said something before posting on Facebook but I also see where she's coming from. And where you are coming from as well.
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Post by myshelly on Oct 7, 2015 15:53:01 GMT
I had a child in the hospital a few months ago.
No way in hell I would have picked up the phone to call anyone. All of my attention was on DS.
I texted my own husband, the child's father, to tell him we had to go to the hospital.
Seriously, talking to anyone on the phone was the absolute last thing I would have done during that time.
Don't be mad at her for texting instead of calling. I just don't think that's a realistic expectation.
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Post by bc2ca on Oct 7, 2015 15:57:41 GMT
I wouldn't be posting on FB because I know it would trigger a ton of questions/calls from concerned family.
As far as texting instead of calling, that really is the way of the world for so many people. A text is fast, answers the question and avoids any other confrontation she might be anticipating (the why didn't you call me first, etc.). I'm sure she is exhausted and fielding calls from many people because of her FB post.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Oct 7, 2015 15:59:09 GMT
Playing devil's advocate. Maybe she was frantic and put something on FB quick to get people praying and sending positive thoughts. It takes less than a minute to make a FB post. Calling Mom takes more time. Maybe she was low on cell phone battery. Maybe she was trying to focus on your granddaughter. When I went to the emergency room last week, there were signs everywhere that cell phones were prohibited...so maybe she couldn't call. There are any number of reasons that she could have posted without calling. I think that you should let go of the hurt feelings and focus on the fact that it sounds like your granddaughter is going to be okay. Nailed it. I probably would have done exactly the same thing "can't talk right now guys, but wanted to let you all know we're in the hospital with DD, blah blah. I'll keep you informed. I'll call later, I have to get off the phone."
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smartypants71
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,701
Location: Houston, TX
Jun 25, 2014 22:47:49 GMT
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Post by smartypants71 on Oct 7, 2015 16:02:00 GMT
I was in the ICU a few months ago, and I had a lot of difficulty getting a signal anywhere in the hospital. Maybe it was easier to type something in on Facebook?
I get why you'd be upset though. Once you know you're DGD is sick, it's frustrating to not know what's going on.
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Post by rst on Oct 7, 2015 16:02:22 GMT
I'm with your DD on this one. Posting a quick FB message is easy to do while sitting in an ER. Posts go through often when calls will not due to the poor service deep inside a huge building. A post is a quick and efficient way to let people know, feel connected, ask for prayers. MAking a call would take time away from her child and the situation at hand, would drain her of energy in having to answer your questions and reassure you. Please let this one go. I understand how you feel hurt, but really, this was not a situation that was about you. By your own account, there was nothing pragmatic that you could do, given the distance. Unless there are details not shared here, this sounds like a mom doing her best in an emergency. Text her and tell her you are proud of her and thinking of her, and then back off.
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Post by mrssmith on Oct 7, 2015 16:04:40 GMT
Playing devil's advocate. Maybe she was frantic and put something on FB quick to get people praying and sending positive thoughts. It takes less than a minute to make a FB post. Calling Mom takes more time. Maybe she was low on cell phone battery. Maybe she was trying to focus on your granddaughter. When I went to the emergency room last week, there were signs everywhere that cell phones were prohibited...so maybe she couldn't call. There are any number of reasons that she could have posted without calling. I think that you should let go of the hurt feelings and focus on the fact that it sounds like your granddaughter is going to be okay. I was going to say the same thing. Also re: texting - I know when I rushed my kids to the ER (2 different times), I could text but not call. Both times had to text DH to let him know our kids were in ER. She was also most likely anxious and worried and not necessarily thinking clearly. FB is an easy way to update everyone at once.
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Post by lbp on Oct 7, 2015 16:15:08 GMT
I think you have a right to be ticked. She had time to post it on face book but not call you! She must have known you would have been very concerned when you saw it on Facebook. I would let it pass, but, I would have been ticked too.
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raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,095
Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Oct 7, 2015 16:22:10 GMT
I totally get what you're saying. However, as the daughter on the other side of the country, I get what she did. I won't inform my mother until I absolutely have to because having her fretting across the country is pointless. So I won't say anything at all unless it's critical and she needs to know. Because that additional pressure from mom is too much to handle when I am trying to deal with the more immediate stuff that's right in front of my face. And most of the time, even if I did tell her what's going on the last thing I wanted to do was have a long drawn out conversation with her in the middle of a crisis. It's not that I don't love my mother or respect her, it's just that I'm both exhausted and overwhelmed and I just can't deal with one more person requiring my attention. Calling just gets to be too much. Texting is easier to do. Yes, she should have said something before posting on Facebook but I also see where she's coming from. And where you are coming from as well. I see the dd's side as well, but I absolutely thing the fb post is ridiculous when mom or dad have no idea. That's just crappy. If she has time to post it on fb, she has time to at a minimum text her mom. Even if you don't have a close relationship with your parents, that's a shitty thing to do.
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Post by sweetpea4utoo on Oct 7, 2015 16:25:51 GMT
1. I thought you were trying not to be mad at Dunkin Donuts LOL 2. Friggin' facebook.
Sorry you found out the way you did and glad your granddaughter will be okay.
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Post by mom on Oct 7, 2015 16:32:45 GMT
Ok, I *know* I will get flamed for asking this, but here goes:
Why is it expected that DD must notify mom immediately? Yes, she is the grandma - but there was nothing she could do. DD possibly thought that posting to FB was the easiest way to tell everyone all at once. Sometimes its easier to 'put it all out there' on Facebook than to deal with having to tell multiple people play-by-play and answering all the questions multiple times.
My DH's parents live in our town, and they never know when we are taking the boys to the ER. And DH talks to them regularly. He would bring it up eventually - usually the next day or so. But we wouldnt call them while in the middle of the emergency.
I guess my issue is why the sense of entitlement? Am I missing something?
Not trying to be rude or snarky - I just don't understand.
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Post by disneyjunkie on Oct 7, 2015 16:39:04 GMT
So I agree with OP. I think it is terrible for her to find out about her DGD on facebook.
I took my DD to the ER a few weeks back. We elected not to call our parents and tell them for a variety of reasons - we didn't know what was wrong, we didn't want the grandparents at the hospital, mine were on vacation and I didn't want them worried about it, etc. It was a conscious decision NOT to call them.
However, because I made that choice, I would NEVER have posted our ER visit on FB. My parents and in-laws would have been furious to read it like that.
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Post by whopea on Oct 7, 2015 16:45:47 GMT
I totally get what you're saying. However, as the daughter on the other side of the country, I get what she did. I won't inform my mother until I absolutely have to because having her fretting across the country is pointless. So I won't say anything at all unless it's critical and she needs to know. Because that additional pressure from mom is too much to handle when I am trying to deal with the more immediate stuff that's right in front of my face. And most of the time, even if I did tell her what's going on the last thing I wanted to do was have a long drawn out conversation with her in the middle of a crisis. It's not that I don't love my mother or respect her, it's just that I'm both exhausted and overwhelmed and I just can't deal with one more person requiring my attention. Calling just gets to be too much. Texting is easier to do. Yes, she should have said something before posting on Facebook but I also see where she's coming from. And where you are coming from as well. I'm in agreement with this until the facebook thing. If dd doesn't have enough time to text family quickly, she doesn't have enough time to put it on fb. Fb should not be a news source of hospitalizations or deaths.
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Post by bigbundt on Oct 7, 2015 16:47:41 GMT
I wouldn't have called or texted my mom either because she is not a comfort to me in times of emergencies. I would spend most of the time reassuring her that everything is okay instead of with my daughter, she would insist on updates at a frequency that I couldn't maintain (and would be mad at me if I didn't), she would make it all about her, she would pull in her high drama family members that would do the same exact thing, etc.
Not saying that that is what happened but there are many VALID reasons why she did what she did. The peas have listed some very good ones. I wouldn't give her a hard time about it.
I'm glad that your grandchild is doing better!
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
Jun 25, 2014 21:53:42 GMT
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Oct 7, 2015 16:49:45 GMT
I think if she has time to post on fb she could have at texted you so you wouldn't find out on fb and freak out.
However the calling thing im 100% with her on that. Her and her DH attention was on their child as it should be. Making calls shouldn't be a priority (IMO).
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Post by anxiousmom on Oct 7, 2015 16:50:37 GMT
Ok, I *know* I will get flamed for asking this, but here goes: Why is it expected that DD must notify mom immediately? Yes, she is the grandma - but there was nothing she could do. DD possibly thought that posting to FB was the easiest way to tell everyone all at once. Sometimes its easier to 'put it all out there' on Facebook than to deal with having to tell multiple people play-by-play and answering all the questions multiple times. My DH's parents live in our town, and they never know when we are taking the boys to the ER. And DH talks to them regularly. He would bring it up eventually - usually the next day or so. But we wouldnt call them while in the middle of the emergency. I guess my issue is why the sense of entitlement? Am I missing something? Not trying to be rude or snarky - I just don't understand. I don't know...I have had to run one boy or another to the ER over the years and usually my mom is the first one I call (the boy's dad is usually second because he is harder and takes longer to get in touch with.) Under normal circumstances, she is there within the hour. We have a thing with my family about having a second ear to listen to the doctors as sometimes the person who is most intimately involved is too stressed or freaked out to hear the little details. I like having my mom there, she has more medical experience than I do, asks good questions and is amazing at moral support. The only time we had trouble was the time the very patronizing doctor talked over me TO my mother as if I had no business even being there. My mom put her in her place very quickly. I am a fairly intelligent person, but when your kid is the ER, in pain and/or very ill, sometimes it is hard to focus beyond that. Anyway, I think this is one of those things that totally depends on the type of relationship you have with your mom. The way my mom and I are, she is my person. She is the one I lean on when I need help. I can't even imagine a situation where one of the kids is in the ER and she isn't there. It is just the way we are.
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StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,663
Location: Ohio
Jul 5, 2014 1:53:49 GMT
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Post by StephDRebel on Oct 7, 2015 16:54:24 GMT
Ok, I *know* I will get flamed for asking this, but here goes: Why is it expected that DD must notify mom immediately? Yes, she is the grandma - but there was nothing she could do. DD possibly thought that posting to FB was the easiest way to tell everyone all at once. Sometimes its easier to 'put it all out there' on Facebook than to deal with having to tell multiple people play-by-play and answering all the questions multiple times. My DH's parents live in our town, and they never know when we are taking the boys to the ER. And DH talks to them regularly. He would bring it up eventually - usually the next day or so. But we wouldnt call them while in the middle of the emergency. I guess my issue is why the sense of entitlement? Am I missing something? Not trying to be rude or snarky - I just don't understand. I'm confused as to why you *know* you'll get flamed for your post when it essentially said the same thing every post above yours said? Do you have a society of haters waiting to pounce on you?
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Post by mom on Oct 7, 2015 17:04:14 GMT
Ok, I *know* I will get flamed for asking this, but here goes: Why is it expected that DD must notify mom immediately? Yes, she is the grandma - but there was nothing she could do. DD possibly thought that posting to FB was the easiest way to tell everyone all at once. Sometimes its easier to 'put it all out there' on Facebook than to deal with having to tell multiple people play-by-play and answering all the questions multiple times. My DH's parents live in our town, and they never know when we are taking the boys to the ER. And DH talks to them regularly. He would bring it up eventually - usually the next day or so. But we wouldnt call them while in the middle of the emergency. I guess my issue is why the sense of entitlement? Am I missing something? Not trying to be rude or snarky - I just don't understand. I'm confused as to why you *know* you'll get flamed for your post when it essentially said the same thing every post above yours said? Do you have a society of haters waiting to pounce on you? ha. I was expecting that I would be seen as uncaring or insensitive because of the sense of entitlement comment. No society of haters (that I know of!).
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Post by deekaye on Oct 7, 2015 17:17:03 GMT
I totally get what you're saying. However, as the daughter on the other side of the country, I get what she did. I won't inform my mother until I absolutely have to because having her fretting across the country is pointless. So I won't say anything at all unless it's critical and she needs to know. Because that additional pressure from mom is too much to handle when I am trying to deal with the more immediate stuff that's right in front of my face. And most of the time, even if I did tell her what's going on the last thing I wanted to do was have a long drawn out conversation with her in the middle of a crisis. It's not that I don't love my mother or respect her, it's just that I'm both exhausted and overwhelmed and I just can't deal with one more person requiring my attention. Calling just gets to be too much. Texting is easier to do. Yes, she should have said something before posting on Facebook but I also see where she's coming from. And where you are coming from as well. I get this, I really do. I also have a Mom who would drain all my energy just giving her details, answering questions and keeping her informed (she is a retired RN so she feels that she NEEDS to know all details!). I totally understand not contacting her right away, however, I also wouldn't post it to Facebook before having a chance to contact my Mom. I don't have grandchildren yet but I do have a child (well, a married young woman!) living two states away. I would hope that in this same situation I would be able to be calm and reassuring because I know for SURE that DD would contact me right away.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 2, 2024 23:54:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2015 17:20:48 GMT
I see the dd's side as well, but I absolutely thing the fb post is ridiculous when mom or dad have no idea. That's just crappy. If she has time to post it on fb, she has time to at a minimum text her mom. Even if you don't have a close relationship with your parents, that's a shitty thing to do.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 2, 2024 23:54:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2015 17:25:03 GMT
I don't think she could win here. She posts on FB and you are mad to find out that way. She doesn't post and you wouldn't have known anything until it was all over. I feel fairly certain you would have been mad about that. She was focused on her daughter and must have been terrified. Think about HER feelings, not yours.
I think you thank your lucky stars that your granddaughter is OK and you don't spend one more second being irritated that you weren't your daughter's top concern when she was going through an emergency with her daughter.
Posting something like this on Facebook lets the daughter inform people what she knows without having to take time out to individually contact everyone - which is absolutely unrealistic in a situation like this IMO.
ETA: I think you are making a HUGE mistake if you bring this up with your daughter later. If my mom did that, I would be SO PISSED that she thought her communication preferences should be my top priority when I was going through a very scary, potentially life-threatening situation with my child. I am not one to hold grudges, but that just might get me to. It's so profoundly selfish IMO.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 2, 2024 23:54:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2015 17:28:30 GMT
Facebook is becoming the way to communicate, it's easy, fast and reaches a lot of people immediately. Younger people are very comfortable with living their lives via facebook. I think it's just something we are going to have to learn to deal with.
I would have done the same thing as your dd, post it and try to give updates but really I'd be focusing on my dd.
I love to text and my mom doesn't, she knows how but will ignore texts. She's a phone person and once you get her on the line you better have at least 20 minutes. There are no quick phone calls with her. Maybe your dd wasn't able to spare the time for a longer phone call and as others have pointed out there is usually a no cellphones in hospitals rule and she probably didn't want to leave her dd and go outside to make a call.
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Deleted
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May 2, 2024 23:54:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2015 17:45:38 GMT
Last night I was at a meeting and had my phone on silence. Got home around 9:00 pm and DH says you might want to call DD#2. Why I ask. He says DD#2 (34) posted on Facebook that DGD#2 (18 mos.) was in the hospital with pneumonia and a collapsed lung! Grabbed my phone to check, no call or text from her. Called her, left a message, which is typical because DD doesn't answer calls. So I text her asking what was going on. Got a short response back that DGD was doing okay, DD would get back with me. Told her ok, call me when you have a moment. No call back. Earlier this morning I text DD again asking what's going on. Got a response that they were doing surgery this am to check the lung. Later this morning I got a call from SIL that surgery was done, all okay (DGD somehow inhaled a piece of an almond). Told him thank you and to keep us up to date. So, I'm trying not to be ticked at DD over 1. posting this on Facebook and not even attempting to call or text me before she did and 2. for having to do everything by text and not willing to make a frickin' phone call over something this important! I know she is worried over the baby and trying to deal with a 3 year old at home. But DH and I would have never known about this if he hadn't happen to be surfing Facebook at that time. I wouldn't have seen the post until this morning. I guess this is really a PVM post because after things settle down I'll probably say something to DD about this. BTW, DD and family live half way across the country from me so it's not like I can hop in the car and run up to the hospital. Which I would have done if they were closer. I suggest pulling back on the jet fuel a whole bunch before you end up in a "black out zone" where you never hear anything. Facebook means mom and mil had the opportunity to hear news at the same time without the "you told her first" routine. Most people under 35 text WAY more than they call. Hospitals generally don't allow cellphone usage as it messes with various bits of necessary equipment so calling may not have been available to her. Text/Facebook and other data formats use a different delivery than a voice call.
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Deleted
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May 2, 2024 23:54:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2015 17:49:01 GMT
WHEN you talk/text your daughter next, comfort her fears, talk to her about HER feelings, what happened... but do NOT scold her in any way shape or form, how the child is doing today. You live a long way away. It will be super easy for her to shut you out of their lives altogether.
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Deleted
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May 2, 2024 23:54:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2015 17:52:03 GMT
Okay...I understand you're frightened and all that but, seriously? Your issue is that your DD didn't inform you of what's happening as it's happening? I would think you'd be really glad that she's got all her attention focused on her dd through this instead of spending her energy telling everyone everything, then updating them every five minutes.Yeah, not cool to learn about something like this on Facebook but I'm pretty sure she wasn't really thinking about you and your feelings when she was told her dd needed surgery. I'm really glad she's alright. ETA: Here's a thought, maybe she didn't want to unnecessarily alarm you before she knew what was happening herself. Except that she took her focus off her DD long enough to post on facebook and do exactly that, tell everyone. Except the grandmother apparently. OP, I'll validate you, I'd be pissed. Family first, THEN facebook if you have to.
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Post by bianca42 on Oct 7, 2015 17:55:02 GMT
Okay...I understand you're frightened and all that but, seriously? Your issue is that your DD didn't inform you of what's happening as it's happening? I would think you'd be really glad that she's got all her attention focused on her dd through this instead of spending her energy telling everyone everything, then updating them every five minutes.Yeah, not cool to learn about something like this on Facebook but I'm pretty sure she wasn't really thinking about you and your feelings when she was told her dd needed surgery. I'm really glad she's alright. ETA: Here's a thought, maybe she didn't want to unnecessarily alarm you before she knew what was happening herself. Except that she took her focus off her DD long enough to post on facebook and do exactly that, tell everyone. Except the grandmother apparently. OP, I'll validate you, I'd be pissed. Family first, THEN facebook if you have to. But, in this case family IS on facebook. So, by posting on facebook she did notify everyone.
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