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Post by gotranch on Jul 29, 2014 22:54:46 GMT
I would go to the park with your family and bring your niece a present and tell her you hope she had a wonderful party. As for SIL, I would put on a calm, sweet face and say with out too much emotion"let's enjoy our day here together and not talk about the past". I find it's better to not engage in these discussions and eventually the trouble makers catch on. When she starts up, just say, "let's not go there, please". I would do this and know that your family comes first with your priorities. If your SIL mentions anything, just respond with "I'm sorry, ds made a commitment to play ball for 6 weeks during the summer. We feel as a family that it is important to help him keep that commitment and support him unfortunately, that takes precedence over other activites. I'm sure you would do the same for your child." While you are right, it really isn't worth holding a grudge and being uncomfortable with family members. It will blow over.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Jul 29, 2014 23:16:31 GMT
Family is very much about compromise and give and take. Some of your sentences come out very 'tit for tat' with backhanded comments about SIL or MIL even. Either you want to be a part of your dh's family or you don't. You aren't going to change his family, only how you react and respond to them. You've posted a lot of additional information but in the end, his family are who they are and by now there is little hope to change them. My dh doesn't understand my family at all. I'm one of 5, he's an only child. He doesn't understand how sisters can bicker and then spend time together like nothing happened. Or why there is always some drama going on. We live 1 1/2 hours away from my family because I know my family and the drama they like to create. I just don't participate in it. But I do spend time with my family most holidays and other casual gatherings. For me it wasn't worth it to force dh to go with me when I knew he didn't understand them and wasn't comfortable with them. So I only have him go with me to some events. Talk with your dh and see if this would work for you and his family. It sounds like he wants to be a part of his family even though he knows they aren't typical/normal or perfect The only ones losing in this is your niece and your son. If you know your niece's birthday is the same week as your tournaments, do you always make sure you plan ahead so she doesn't feel forgotten? Do you call her from the field or send her a birthday card on her day or beforehand? Or is her birthday an afterthought behind the tournament? Those are the things she'll remember about her aunt and uncle. My niece's birthday is always during the 12 days of the county fair dd shows her dog at. So I have to make sure I plan ahead so she doesn't feel forgotten. She's just a kid and doesn't understand if her I didn't think enough of her to call or send a card/gift.
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msliz
Drama Llama
The Procrastinator
Posts: 6,419
Jun 26, 2014 21:32:34 GMT
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Post by msliz on Jul 29, 2014 23:24:36 GMT
... My SIL then proceeded to rip my head off for the next 15 minutes. Everything from "I need to know what family is" to actually mocking my son and his tournaments. I could listen to her talk until she did the mocking ... Just super childish shit. ... She easily could have called my husband, her brother and told him off. Instead she pounced on me because I am an easier target. My husbands family have the bad habit of ripping people apart during a fight, and then expecting everyone to move past without an apology. My FIL is a saint and doesn't do it, and my husband has gotten past that ... he insists I should have thick skin and move past what she said.... He wants me to go to the park, and act like nothing is bothering me. I've rethought this and decided that this is all wrong for a different reason. While SIL was beyond rude, my real problem is with your DH for not standing up for you. He didn't reprimand SIL for her bad behavior, and worse, he's asking you to just ignore it. Why? He's learned it's easier to deal with you when you're unhappy than it is to deal with SIL when she's unhappy. It's a tool he learned from his father. Shut up and ignore it. And, do you know what? I can see why he's suggesting you do that. Just like DH and FIL, you don't stand up for yourself and demand respect. At least you didn't during that phone call. You put up with that for 15 minutes? Really? If you want DH or anyone else to treat you with respect, it has to start with you. If you both want to continue a relationship with his extended family, you and DH could benefit from counselling to get on the same page regarding expectations of each other and boundaries concerning the ILs, and learn some better tools for dealing with this kind of nonsense. Sorry if I was harsh. What a sucky situation.
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Post by leslie132 on Jul 30, 2014 2:54:36 GMT
Family is very much about compromise and give and take. Some of your sentences come out very 'tit for tat' with backhanded comments about SIL or MIL even. Either you want to be a part of your dh's family or you don't. You aren't going to change his family, only how you react and respond to them. You've posted a lot of additional information but in the end, his family are who they are and by now there is little hope to change them. My dh doesn't understand my family at all. I'm one of 5, he's an only child. He doesn't understand how sisters can bicker and then spend time together like nothing happened. Or why there is always some drama going on. We live 1 1/2 hours away from my family because I know my family and the drama they like to create. I just don't participate in it. But I do spend time with my family most holidays and other casual gatherings. For me it wasn't worth it to force dh to go with me when I knew he didn't understand them and wasn't comfortable with them. So I only have him go with me to some events. Talk with your dh and see if this would work for you and his family. It sounds like he wants to be a part of his family even though he knows they aren't typical/normal or perfect The only ones losing in this is your niece and your son. If you know your niece's birthday is the same week as your tournaments, do you always make sure you plan ahead so she doesn't feel forgotten? Do you call her from the field or send her a birthday card on her day or beforehand? Or is her birthday an afterthought behind the tournament? Those are the things she'll remember about her aunt and uncle. My niece's birthday is always during the 12 days of the county fair dd shows her dog at. So I have to make sure I plan ahead so she doesn't feel forgotten. She's just a kid and doesn't understand if her I didn't think enough of her to call or send a card/gift. So much here to reply to. Where to start. I actually wrote another book but decided to edit for all of oursakes! Family...my situation is like yours. There are 4 of us. And we did a lot of things together. I thrive on family and get togethers, my husband struggled with watching his parents nasty divorce in his teen years. He doesn't get the togetherness like I do. I would be with family every weekend if possible. With the exception of his mother. .I have only fought with his Mom. I don't know a woman alive who wouldn't have fought with her in the situation. SIL is difficult, but I have always had a simple relationship with her. BUT.... She feels it is her right to fight and be aggressive with anyone. Family, church, friend or stranger. She is brash. After this upset I'm counting myself lucky that I've never had this happen before! Birthdays..... We never sat down and said this is what we are doing. It has always been easy peasy. If we are together we wish the birthday child a happy day and do presents. If we are apart and no party on the day we skip over it. She does the same for our son. Never has it caused issues. I never figured it would either. Scheduling around tournaments.... We could. If she gave us the date of the party in May when we sign up with availability we could ( and would) request off. I can't say " this is her bday so I'll take off", as she doesn't plan like that. She throws it if and when she wants to. Hope I got it all.
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Post by leslie132 on Jul 30, 2014 3:19:01 GMT
... My SIL then proceeded to rip my head off for the next 15 minutes. Everything from "I need to know what family is" to actually mocking my son and his tournaments. I could listen to her talk until she did the mocking ... Just super childish shit. ... She easily could have called my husband, her brother and told him off. Instead she pounced on me because I am an easier target. My husbands family have the bad habit of ripping people apart during a fight, and then expecting everyone to move past without an apology. My FIL is a saint and doesn't do it, and my husband has gotten past that ... he insists I should have thick skin and move past what she said.... He wants me to go to the park, and act like nothing is bothering me. I've rethought this and decided that this is all wrong for a different reason. While SIL was beyond rude, my real problem is with your DH for not standing up for you. He didn't reprimand SIL for her bad behavior, and worse, he's asking you to just ignore it. Why? He's learned it's easier to deal with you when you're unhappy than it is to deal with SIL when she's unhappy. It's a tool he learned from his father. Shut up and ignore it. And, do you know what? I can see why he's suggesting you do that. Just like DH and FIL, you don't stand up for yourself and demand respect. At least you didn't during that phone call. You put up with that for 15 minutes? Really? If you want DH or anyone else to treat you with respect, it has to start with you. If you both want to continue a relationship with his extended family, you and DH could benefit from counselling to get on the same page regarding expectations of each other and boundaries concerning the ILs, and learn some better tools for dealing with this kind of nonsense. Sorry if I was harsh. What a sucky situation. First I apologize be cause I don't know how to quote only one section. I will work on that. Right after I work on being chill ax at the park Ok.... Lots here as well that I can answer. I am SO. NOT the one to deal with. SIL flipped, and she won't mention it again. She said her piece so she will ignore me and not care. I will, and have analyzed every moment of what went wrong. I struggle with processing conflict. My husband is not letting his sister bad mouth me. She did it on her own. He confronted her and she doesn't care. As he said... That is her MO. She will have forgotten about it and I'm sitting here stressed. That is why he wants me to ignore it. Because she isn't going to change. I have to change how I react or accept that I'm a wreck at dealing with this. I want to say this, and this is one point that I will be strong with. My husband and I have a fine tuned relationship. In our marriage we have been thru more than most couples will ever be. And we are STRONG. We have dealt with infertility for 5 years only to get pregnant and have our beautiful daughter pass away 6 hours after birth. We fought with grief and tried again for a child. Now we have twins. At their 4 month birthday we weathered the storm of my husband being diagnosed with a brain tumor the size of a racquet ball. He is still recovering a year later. I'm beyond proud of him....he has a lot of negativity towards his healing process. I have held this family and home together, and always have time to be his biggest cheer leader. Saying all of that, we may have times were we don't know how to work thru issues, but we do it together as a system. Was it always like this. No. But losing a child puts life in perspective. At least it did for us. I totally didn't think you sounded harsh. I appreciate any extra thoughts. But I didn't want to come off as my marriage isn't supportive or that I don't act in a way that lends people respecting me. The fact that I pull myself out of bed and have a positive attitude about life is enough to have most peoples respect. What I have gone thru and still feel blessed earns respect from most. I have no understanding as to why my being able to argue with someone, and tell them off equates making them respect me. Because honestly, if I started on someone like SIL started on me respect is the last thing I would be worried about!
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Post by Belia on Jul 30, 2014 3:50:01 GMT
I think you should work VERY hard to reframe how you think about your SIL. I think you should decide that she is hilarious and pathetic, then treat her as such.
Like, have you ever had one of your children throw a completely ridiculous tantrum? Where you had to fight yourself to keep a straight face because it was so crazy that you wanted nothing more than to bust out laughing? Of course, you couldn't, but man... you wanted to. In the meantime, your kid is turning 8 shades of purple, and you have to turn your back so they don't see you spit diet coke out your nose from trying to hold in your laughing.
From now on, your SIL is that ridiculous tantrumming toddler. Poor thing. Bless her heart. She has no idea how crazy she is. I mean, think about it. She went off on you because of a scheduling conflict? For a SEVEN YEAR OLD's party? That was half-assed to begin with? What kind of grown woman does that? And she went off on you for not coming to the bday party... during the same phone conversation in which you were calling to tell her that you were coming to the bday party? That doesn't even make sense.
I'm sort of chuckling now as I think about it. I would laugh at her. Truly, I would. And if she started anything at the amusement park, I might not be able to stop myself from laughing in her face. While I say, "Bless your heart, you sure do have an interesting outlook on life."
Then I would walk away and go eat a funnel cake, because funnel cake is AWESOME, and your SIL is hilarious. Not in a good way.
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msliz
Drama Llama
The Procrastinator
Posts: 6,419
Jun 26, 2014 21:32:34 GMT
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Post by msliz on Jul 30, 2014 3:53:25 GMT
Please let me apologize for jumping to conclusions. You and DH really have weathered more than your share. And I'm so very sorry to learn about your beautiful daughter.
I still think it would benefit you both to have a plan for how to deal with SIL in the future. I hope you and DH have an opportunity to talk about it and work something out. Best of luck and best of health to you both!
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PaperAngel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,386
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Jul 30, 2014 5:03:04 GMT
Based on the OP, your SIL used her child's birthday as an excuse (the reason she doesn't put forth much organizational effort) to pitch a tantrum & draw attention to herself. She creates drama to feel important, & her family has always acquiesced to keep the peace. My suggestion is to have no contact with her, letting your husband handle all future correspondence. When being around her in person is unavoidable at family events, simply smile. Do NOT engage, give her the satisfaction of acknowledging her comments, become her audience, or hand her ammunition to continue. I hope you will eventually view her personality/behavior as sad, entertaining (like watching really bad amateur theater to see if it can possibly get worse), & hilarious at the same time!
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azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755
Jun 25, 2014 22:49:18 GMT
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Post by azredhead on Jul 30, 2014 5:27:18 GMT
After reading your updates and more info, I would go but I wouldn't have anything to do with her if I could help it. If she wanted to arrange things even at the park she can speak to your DH and he clearly needs to speak to her. We have a similar SIL. Sometimes it's good sometimes it's not. Good luck!
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Post by leslie132 on Jul 30, 2014 13:02:20 GMT
Please let me apologize for jumping to conclusions. You and DH really have weathered more than your share. And I'm so very sorry to learn about your beautiful daughter. I still think it would benefit you both to have a plan for how to deal with SIL in the future. I hope you and DH have an opportunity to talk about it and work something out. Best of luck and best of health to you both! MsLiz..... There is no reason to apologize. I appreciate the time and thought we all take when stopping to answer someone's post. Truly....your post wasn't harsh and no boundaries were pushed in my opinion. Please don't give it a second thought. Each and every post has led me to think about how I should react and handle myself. Everyone has given terrific advice. Some serious and some funny!! I have thought thru it all. What we have decided is that we are going, but my husband has told his Mother and his Father that our time as a group will be limited. He is sticking by the fact that this all could have been avoided if his sister spoke with him. And, I am at the point where I no longer want to do a "he said she said" kind of game. I understand why she is upset....I'm a momma bear as well... So I completely get it. I did apologize on the phone and tried to explain. I realize now she isn't ready to hear the explanations. She just wants us to know she is angry. Maybe someday she will realize we are sincere, and that her acting like she did made matters worse in many many ways. If not.... I can only control me. And I know I tried. My husband knows I tried.... For today that is enough!
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Post by deshacrafts on Jul 30, 2014 13:49:17 GMT
"Birthdays..... We never sat down and said this is what we are doing. It has always been easy peasy. If we are together we wish the birthday child a happy day and do presents. If we are apart and no party on the day we skip over it. She does the same for our son. Never has it caused issues. I never figured it would either. "
I'm bothered by this. I know it's not my family, but it is your nieces birthday. She only deserves a Happy Birthday if you see her. I have nephews in Florida I don't get to see often and they always get a birthday card and check from me. I want them to know that they are important to me. I just find it hard to understand why you wouldn't still acknowledge her birthday regardless of whether you see her or not. My DH's family was like that. His birthday was in January and usually there was bad weather. Never got a party or cards/gifts. His sisters birthday is in July, she always got a party and gifts.
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Post by jmurray on Jul 30, 2014 15:25:39 GMT
Personally I'd be avoiding SIl like the plague. Life's way too short to deal with rubbish like that. The last thing I'd want is a repeat performance from her in the middle of an amusement park, or having tension hover over you all day waiting for the bite that maybe never comes.
If you want to go then I like the idea of separate cars. Then if things turn sour you can leave on the spot. I certainly wouldn't be getting into it with her anymore, and if she calls you again unless the first words out of her mouth were "I'm sorry" I'd be handing the phone immediately to DH. You need to get the message across that you will not tolerate that BS from her, but you can do that without an argument.
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Post by alibama on Jul 30, 2014 15:43:30 GMT
Please let me apologize for jumping to conclusions. You and DH really have weathered more than your share. And I'm so very sorry to learn about your beautiful daughter. I still think it would benefit you both to have a plan for how to deal with SIL in the future. I hope you and DH have an opportunity to talk about it and work something out. Best of luck and best of health to you both! MsLiz..... There is no reason to apologize. I appreciate the time and thought we all take when stopping to answer someone's post. Truly....your post wasn't harsh and no boundaries were pushed in my opinion. Please don't give it a second thought. Each and every post has led me to think about how I should react and handle myself. Everyone has given terrific advice. Some serious and some funny!! I have thought thru it all. What we have decided is that we are going, but my husband has told his Mother and his Father that our time as a group will be limited. He is sticking by the fact that this all could have been avoided if his sister spoke with him. And, I am at the point where I no longer want to do a "he said she said" kind of game. I understand why she is upset....I'm a momma bear as well... So I completely get it. I did apologize on the phone and tried to explain. I realize now she isn't ready to hear the explanations. She just wants us to know she is angry. Maybe someday she will realize we are sincere, and that her acting like she did made matters worse in many many ways. If not.... I can only control me. And I know I tried. My husband knows I tried.... For today that is enough! I think that is an excellent plan! Hope you guys have a great time.
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 1, 2014 0:13:57 GMT
Birthdays aren't the same for every family. I know when all of my nieces and nephews were younger we sent a gift. There were nine of them. When we had kids that all stopped. I told my kids I would take care of the birthday gifts and not to expect anything from anyone else. I never got gifts from aunts or uncles and unless there was a party to attend, I don't think people should feel obligated to send one. A nice card should be sufficient. I think we just set our kids up for such hurt feelings when we as parents can't get over things. It is a birthday, a small milestone, not necessarily an accomplishment. Since presents aren't always exchanged with your families, no one should feel slighted.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 1, 2014 1:13:51 GMT
I have a crazy cousin-in-law (cousin's wife) in my family. She blows and yells and throws a temper tantrum and for some reason the immediate family puts up with it. I, on the other hand do not. Last year there was a blow-up over the most mundane thing that had she not been a spoiled bitch, would not have been an issue at all. So instead of coming to my house for Christmas (which our extended family has done for at least 40 + years with only the people who live out of state missing), she gets her parents to pay for her family to take a trip over Christmas because we were so mean to her. And, boy did most of us talk bad about her then. She was a coward who couldn't face the day and she didn't. The rest of us would have put on a happy face and done our thing. Of course, there are over 20 adults and 15 children, so it is easy to avoid one person if you don't want to deal with them. But the older adults started in on the, "maybe it is time for everybody to do their own thing..." At least three of us were like, bullshit. This PITA does not get to squash our family tradition. So we will continue to have it and if she wants to not come, so be it. While I am with you on the "not going to take her shit bench," I also won't let her dictate where I will be and what I will do. SHE can not go if it is going to be uncomfortable, but damn it, I will go and I will have fun, even if I am cussing her out in my head
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Aug 1, 2014 1:21:11 GMT
I am so glad your husband is on your side with this. Your SIL was rude, childish and flat out mean. The fact that she mocked your son and the sport that is obviously important to him shows her character (or lack thereof).
I'm really sorry you're feeling uncomfortable about attending family day. More for my son than anyone else, I would go and I would try to kill SIL with kindness. Having to be the bigger person really sucks sometimes. I know you must want to rip into her.
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Post by peasapie on Aug 1, 2014 1:31:37 GMT
My two cents -- I've had a SIL like this. She won't change, and you don't need to be miserable in her presence. I'd send my husband and my son (if he wants to go) and make my excuses. No need for a confrontation, but also no need for you to have to go. I'll bet you have lots of other, more pleasant things to do that day.
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Judy26
Pearl Clutcher
MOTFY Bitchy Nursemaid
Posts: 2,834
Location: NW PA
Jun 25, 2014 23:50:38 GMT
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Post by Judy26 on Aug 1, 2014 2:02:33 GMT
I only read to the point where you said Kennywood. That's not too far from me. Want me to show up and "accidentally " trip and spill my cheese fries on her? Or I could stand in line behind her and loudly express my opinion about my imaginary sister in law who is so understanding and how she travelled from afar to watch my son's baseball tournament where they lost to a team only because they brought in a relief pitcher who was amaze balls! How fun would that be!?!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 19:43:13 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2014 16:54:54 GMT
Is it worth it, perpetuating the drama? Because if you continue to argue with her or don't show up to your regular family day at the amusement park, you are taking part in the drama and fueling it. You don't need to be a doormat but you don't need to fuel the argument, either. It sounds like your SIL was very angry and upset over the possibility of you not making it to her daughter's birthday party. The comments she made about your son were immature and hurtful. It was wrong of her to speak that way. I don't think you are helping yourself or the situation by reading into the phone call answering as targeting you because you are an easy target -- let go of that kind of thinking. If you WANT to fix the problem, approach her kindly and say that you heard she was upset when you spoke about being able to make it to the party. Ask her why. Think about what you can do differently next time: maybe you can say something like "son as a baseball tournament he needs to attend that day. We don't know the schedule yet, but it's possible we may be able to attend or we might have to miss it, or come late or leave early. I'll call you next week when we find out the schedule." In a perfect world dealing with rationale people this would be such awesome advice. As a matter of fact my DH and I tried it for over 20 years until we realized we are not dealing with rationale people and stopped trying...They don't even want to take steps toward you nevermind meet half way. I am sorry you are dealing with this. Do what is best for you and your family.
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Post by leftturnonly on Aug 1, 2014 17:51:12 GMT
I could. BUT it is family time for myself and my husband as well. So driving separately an hour each way and coming and going as I please just doesn't jive. I have read what everyone thinks, and I have come up with, I agree that at points I will just walk away with the babies and treat myself to quiet time. My husband had little family time growing up because of his parents divorce. Giving him....and myself.... family time, is to important to our family. So while I volunteered to stay home I now realize that it would be my family missing out. So I need to get my game face on for them and handle my business. It won't be easy though. You know something? I don't regret any of the many times I put on my game face and went to an in-law family event that threatened to be... dramatic. Those days are gone now (too many of them have died), and I'm so glad I kept my sh!t together in front of them. My wish for you is that you will find peace with your decision and that you may carry a calm with you throughout the day. Best of luck. And for her gift? Kids love to get money. Sidestep the return drama.
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Post by leslie132 on Aug 2, 2014 15:42:44 GMT
I only read to the point where you said Kennywood. That's not too far from me. Want me to show up and "accidentally " trip and spill my cheese fries on her? Or I could stand in line behind her and loudly express my opinion about my imaginary sister in law who is so understanding and how she travelled from afar to watch my son's baseball tournament where they lost to a team only because they brought in a relief pitcher who was amaze balls! How fun would that be!?! I think you may be my new favorite person. While I would never allow you to abuse your potato patch french fries, I would have loved for you to talk about the amaze balls pitcher
Your whole post made me smile. Can I ask.....where in the city are you? We are North.1.
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caro
Drama Llama
Refupea 1130
Posts: 5,222
Jun 26, 2014 14:10:36 GMT
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Post by caro on Aug 2, 2014 15:49:05 GMT
Geez, I hate family drama. Sounds like yours did turn out well.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,394
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Aug 2, 2014 15:52:11 GMT
Well done for being the bigger person. That will annoy her more than if you had had a blazing row.
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msliz
Drama Llama
The Procrastinator
Posts: 6,419
Jun 26, 2014 21:32:34 GMT
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Post by msliz on Aug 2, 2014 15:54:53 GMT
I love the update! Good for you
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Post by fruitysuet on Aug 2, 2014 16:06:59 GMT
Classy update. Glad to hear that you had a great family day out without SIL ruining it for you.
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tiffanytwisted
Pearl Clutcher
you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave
Posts: 4,538
Jun 26, 2014 15:57:39 GMT
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Aug 2, 2014 16:35:46 GMT
I hadn't put in my 2 cents, but have been following along. I'm so glad everything worked out for you!
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trollie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,580
Jul 2, 2014 22:14:02 GMT
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Post by trollie on Aug 2, 2014 16:40:00 GMT
LOVE YOUR UPDATE! Good for you for taking the high road and having fun with your family. Glad you didn't let your SIL ruin your family day for you. Living well is truly the best revenge.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 1, 2024 19:43:13 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2014 16:41:27 GMT
Good for you for rising above it all.
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,738
Jun 27, 2014 20:37:34 GMT
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Post by purplebee on Aug 2, 2014 16:44:07 GMT
Excellent update! Sounds like you have managed to very nicely and maturely grab the upper hand in this relationship. You go girl!
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Post by originalvanillabean on Aug 2, 2014 16:46:52 GMT
RE: The update: That is one classy reaction - kudos leslie132 !
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