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Post by leslie132 on Jul 28, 2014 12:51:15 GMT
I don't know if this is for advice or if I just need to vent. Maybe it is for both because I don't know what to do and I need to get it off my chest.
My SIL call to invite us to my nieces birthday party. She is VERY lax on when, where and how she does parties. She hates to entertain and puts no effort into it. Well we got a call 12 days ago asking us to attend on Saturday( it was this past Saturday). I said that I was sorry, but DS had a tournament scheduled that weekend. I didn't know what times yet, but most likely they would be playing on Saturday. She got quiet and then said "really, you can't miss a day of baseball". I should have known right then to back out of the conversation, but it is TRUE.... We are committed to the team..... So I said " I'm sorry, we can't take the day off. It's our last tournament and we have to be there".
Fast forward 3 days later to finding out our schedule. We get an early game, so I tell my hubby and he starts to call his sister to tell her we can make it. He calls 3 times on 3 different days. She doesn't return his call. I am really trying here so I call on Thursday. She doesn't answer my call, but she does call me back. I start with normal conversation and then ask what time do the festivities start for the swim party. My SIL then proceeded to rip my head off for the next 15 minutes. Everything from "I need to know what family is" to actually mocking my son and his tournaments. I could listen to her talk until she did the mocking. To sit there and lecture about family yet make such comments as " oh we know ______ is the best player and they would so lose with out him" to "he needs to be there so he can win for them and be MVP". Just super childish shit. She then added "and last year you saw her a week after her birthday.....you didn't even give her a present. All you did was say Happy Birthday, how was your day"?
So my husband has truly taken my side and is agreeing with everything I have said and done to this point. Here is where I'm torn. We are doing a "family" day with his side on Friday. It is to an amusement park and we have done this the past 2 years. Her daughter and my son ride together. Well, my niece is bringing a friend now, so we are letting our son bring a friend ( so much for making family first). My SIL has repeated this discussion to her Mother and her Father ( divorced ) and has made me extremely uncomfortable. I do not get a long with my MIL, but have never had any issues with anyone else.
I am now at the point where I don't want to attend. I am angry and disgusted that she put me in this position. She easily could have called my husband, her brother and told him off. Instead she pounced on me because I am an easier target. My husbands family have the bad habit of ripping people apart during a fight, and then expecting everyone to move past without an apology. My FIL is a saint and doesn't do it, and my husband has gotten past that, as we have been together for 17 years and he realizes it isn't the norm. Even though he realizes it isn't the norm, he insists I should have thick skin and move past what she said. In his words "his sister knows little about family and is not the best teacher on the subject". He wants me to go to the park, and act like nothing is bothering me.
Am I the only one who would be upset and extremely uncomfortable? I mean she sat for 9 days and processed and planned an argument. I on the other hand need to grow thick skin and be ready to play nice with in the week. I'm embarrassed and angry. Am I wrong?
***** and I would like to be a bitch and let her know that my son was MVP that day, and that coach did tell his teammates that "without _____ coming in and finishing out the game with his pitching, we wouldn't have won". I would never do it... It's 9 year old ball and while I'm thrilled he had a great game *I* at least know they win and lose as a team. That is just the Momma bear coming out!!
UPDATE............ Well, I did it. And I did it WELL!!! I put on my maxi skirt and a nice necklace, and said I look like a lady, and I will act like a lady! But, this lady didn't take any crap. We rode for about 2.5 hours without meeting up, and when we did finally meet up it was for a meal. I spoke right away with my little niece, and her friend, but for the most part ignored my SIL. Not sat around with a "stone face" ignore, it was more like "you are one of the thousand other people at the park today" ignore.
I will say Karma truly does exist. My SIL was who said that her daughter wanted to bring a friend. I don't believe it for a second. The little friend was afraid of most everything. So the three of them were stuck, in the sense, that my SIL couldn't ride with my niece, and leave the little girl alone. I actually got the friend to ride with me, so the three of us rode several rides together. But, my niece just wanted to ride rides with my son, or hang out with my babies. My SIL, in her snit really ruined that for her daughter, as we brought a friend for him. Those 2 had the best day ever!!! I did however, take a peas advice. I invited my niece for a sleep over before school starts up. I know that all of us will enjoy it!
So Kennywood wasn't bad. And the only fireworks were those ones in the sky. My husband thanked me, for being so willing to spend time with his mom and dad. He realizes that I'm owed an apology, but that I will never receive it. He also realizes that I have every right to not want to be around his sister, until I get that apology.
Thanks everyone one for listening, and helping me work through it!!
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Post by alibama on Jul 28, 2014 12:59:30 GMT
I am on your side on this one. I would not want to go either and I really think your husband should be having a conversation with his sister about how she acted. I know my husband would have a few things to say if anyone in his family spoke to me like that.
Good luck!!
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Post by mommaho on Jul 28, 2014 13:00:48 GMT
Family can be so much fun can't they! I'm sorry you are going through all this. Can your DH go to the park with you all? Go for your children and let them have a great time! Maybe try to talk with your SIL if she can be reasonable for the sake of the family ~ if she is miserable, just enjoy the day with your DH and family!
As for the Birthday Party - not everyone can adjust their schedule to meet SILs. If all she is worried about is her daughter getting a present (as it seemed it upset her last year) then take the present along to the Park outing and let your niece know how sorry you are you can't attend her party and just let it go from there.
Hugs
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Post by deshacrafts on Jul 28, 2014 13:01:47 GMT
I didn't want to read and run. I totally get why you wouldn't want to go to the park with DHs family. I would be very uncomfortable in that situation as well. I don't understand how people can tell you that you need to think about family, when that is exactly what you are doing. You are doing what you think is best for your family. I have heard this kind of thing a lot, especially here in the Pod. I'm sorry your SIL reamed you out, she was way out of line.
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gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,078
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Jul 28, 2014 13:04:19 GMT
I would be sick that day.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,394
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Jul 28, 2014 13:05:36 GMT
She isn't worth another moment of your consideration. She actually expects you to put her haphazard arrangements before your own child's commitments? That says it all.
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Post by leslie132 on Jul 28, 2014 13:05:53 GMT
My husband told his Mother and Father in separate conversations, that he called her 3 times. If she wants to talk she can call him. He also told them that he is completely on my side, and if she wanted us to respect family she completely went about it the wrong way.
6 weeks out of summer are devoted to baseball. Whether you understand that or not doesn't matter. It is a commitment we make for our son. He loves it and truthfully so do we! I have twin 18 month olds so it is hard. But I wouldn't change it for anything. We miss out on a lot....but we try to do everything. Weekends are only so long!
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Post by NanaKate on Jul 28, 2014 13:06:49 GMT
I'll be the first to validate you! I doubt I would go to the amusement park this year OR the birthday party. DH could do what he wants to do regarding both events. I am so over family drama at this point in my life and would not participate in her shenanigans. Just keep repeating "not my circus, not my monkeys!"
ETA: I guess a bunch of us were typing at the same time!
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
Location: North Dakota
Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Jul 28, 2014 13:08:20 GMT
Send your DH and son with a present to the party. If SIL asks your DH where you are he can tell her you didn't come because she treats you like shit. It's his sister, let him deal with her. You can have a nice, quiet afternoon to yourself.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Jul 28, 2014 13:08:44 GMT
If I wanted to go to the park, I'd go. If I didn't want to, I wouldn't. Her behavior would have little to do with my decision.
What does your son want to do? Is he already looking forward to it? Plus it sounds like he's already invited a friend, so you're risking disappointing two children.
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Post by littlemama on Jul 28, 2014 13:08:59 GMT
My bil and sil haven't spoken to us in 3 years because of a similar thing - ds was in a huge baseball tournament (as he is almost every summer weekend), and we did not attend a fundraiser for their family. BIL then lied to his mother and several other family members and told them that he had no idea why we were not there, even though dh had called him twice in the week leading up to it to remind him that we would not be there and why. MIL, who can't keep her mouth shut, then repeated the lies to us causing a huge shit storm. As an aside, they used the money from that fundraiser and several others that were held to remodel their home, purchase a pool, and go on at least 6 vacations that year and the next. As a result, I am suspicious of any fundraiser that does not explain why the family needs the money - is someone unable to work, is the out of pocket ridiculous, etc.
No great loss, except that they won't show up to MIL's house on Christmas Eve when we are there, so MIL doesn't have her whole family together. We have never been close with them , but we could at least be civil in the past, and our family is willing to be civil again. SIL is not.
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Post by 1lear on Jul 28, 2014 13:09:28 GMT
If you don't want to go, don't go-I wouldn't. You don't need that drama, and your SIL is completely wrong to have behaved the way she did. Good for your son on doing so well at the tournament!
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Post by lillieleigh on Jul 28, 2014 13:11:37 GMT
I would go to the park with your family and bring your niece a present and tell her you hope she had a wonderful party. As for SIL, I would put on a calm, sweet face and say with out too much emotion"let's enjoy our day here together and not talk about the past". I find it's better to not engage in these discussions and eventually the trouble makers catch on. When she starts up, just say, "let's not go there, please".
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Post by mikklynn on Jul 28, 2014 13:15:29 GMT
If I wanted to go to the park, I'd go. If I didn't want to, I wouldn't. Her behavior would have little to do with my decision. What does your son want to do? Is he already looking forward to it? Plus it sounds like he's already invited a friend, so you're risking disappointing two children. This. Then, get caller ID. That's what I did. I no longer answer the phone when SIL calls. DH can deal with her. She would pull the same crap as yours, scream at me only when DH wasn't around to hear it. |
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lionsimba
Junior Member
Posts: 85 
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Post by lionsimba on Jul 28, 2014 13:23:56 GMT
How did you react when your sil went off on you like that? I would not allow ANYONE to talk to me that way, especially if they are talking badly about my family. There is no way I would continue a relationship with her unless and until she sincerely apologizes for her behavior. As for the park, I would go and have a good time with my family. Your sil is just one person out of the bunch who will be there. You can certainly avoid her. If she insists on talking to you I would remain cool and calm and polite but not engage her in any conversation unless it involves her apologizing to you.
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,732
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Post by purplebee on Jul 28, 2014 13:24:15 GMT
I would go to the park with your family and bring your niece a present and tell her you hope she had a wonderful party. As for SIL, I would put on a calm, sweet face and say with out too much emotion"let's enjoy our day here together and not talk about the past". I find it's better to not engage in these discussions and eventually the trouble makers catch on. When she starts up, just say, "let's not go there, please". I would tend to agree with this solution, though I would really want to b*tch-slap her the minute I laid eyes on her. Take the high road. Doing it this way gives her the impression that nothing she does can rock your world. Staying home gives her the power and lets her know she can control what you do. If she starts up, just smile and say sweetly, "oh, I'm sorry you are still so upset, bless your heart." Good luck, remember, going to jail is not worth it! |
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TankTop
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1,871
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Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
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Post by TankTop on Jul 28, 2014 13:27:07 GMT
6 weeks out of summer are devoted to baseball. Whether you understand that or not doesn't matter. It is a commitment we make for our son. He loves it and truthfully so do we! I have twin 18 month olds so it is hard. But I wouldn't change it for anything. We miss out on a lot....but we try to do everything. Weekends are only so long! We get a lot of flack for our sons baseball schedule as well, but I don't care. The truth is, we like the baseball people better than some of our family anyway. The boys have played together for so long they are practically our family now. Our family 4 loves our time at the fields. I would either be sick or go and ignore her. |
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 28, 2014 13:31:11 GMT
I would go to the park with your family and bring your niece a present and tell her you hope she had a wonderful party. As for SIL, I would put on a calm, sweet face and say with out too much emotion"let's enjoy our day here together and not talk about the past". I find it's better to not engage in these discussions and eventually the trouble makers catch on. When she starts up, just say, "let's not go there, please". this. I sure as hell wouldn't screw my yearly plans because SIL is being a bitch. It is s big park, do you have stay together |
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Post by ljs1691 on Jul 28, 2014 13:31:38 GMT
I don't think your feelings are out of line, at all. We have experienced similar issues with my dh's family. I am not one to sit back and take being guilted into things. We pick our battles. I would go to the park and if anything is mentioned, you should take the opportunity to politely explain that your immediate family (you, dh, and your children) are your first priority, no exceptions. Anything having to do with extended family regardless of which side your's or dh's, will be accommodated as often as possible.
Sorry you have been put in this situation.
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Post by bebe on Jul 28, 2014 13:44:56 GMT
I'm so sorry that she has put you in the situation. I have a similar one right now-someone not so nice to me and then very cool for months and now suddenly just thinks they can "waltz" back into our lives and be treated the same as before. I find it very hard to treat this person the same.
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Post by leslie132 on Jul 28, 2014 13:52:01 GMT
To answer a few questions.... 1. I wouldn't disappoint my son. I told my husband that he can take the 2 boys and I will stay home with the babies. I would never stop my son from enjoying himself. 2. As for taking a present to the park. I'm not sure about that for a few reasons. Biggest one is this.....she changed the swim party to a tea party and told me that even though we could make it she wasn't waiting on us. Her world doesn't revolve around our schedule. We were not invited for the tea  . And also...she takes every... And I mean EVERY....present back. She is the worlds cheapest person and I hate how we give a gift and she returns it. My niece would not get it in the end anyway. 3. I want to be the big person here. I have to be honest about 2 things. I'm tired of being the bigger person. I get slammed and they feel fine. Yet my stomach has been upset for 4 days. I don't know how to shut my mind off from the subject. Just thinking about it makes me crazy and It shows on the outside. I can act nice, but my face and body language will totally give it away! I hate toxic people. After my daughters passing I try to surround myself in positive things. Life isn't always beautiful..... But I don't have to hang out with the trash! |
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momto4kiddos
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jul 28, 2014 14:01:19 GMT
I'm glad your dh stuck up for you with his parents. I'm totally on your side 100%. My MIL did this to me almost 6 years ago and i've spoken to her exactly once since at a funeral. She lives out of state so we wouldn't see her often anyhow.
Like your situation, she thought on it first. There was some minor drama that would have gone away, but she was pissed she wasn't getting her way. So she called dh after a couple days and I could literally hear her screaming through the phone about how terrible I am. I had little to do with what was going on, it's just easier to blame the DIL than her son. She called back about 2-3 days later and did the exact same thing, blamed me for all the worlds problems, that I was a horrible person. Dh decided it was best to ride it out (and didn't stick up for me.) They sweep everything under the carpet without an apology.
I decided that she'd obviously thought long and hard about what she thought about me and clearly didn't like me or respect me much. She also clearly has anger and control issues. I decided there's no reason for me to be treated disrespectfully so I took myself out of the situation. She never apologized, in fact she emailed asking me to "understand how she feels being cut off from our family." For the record she and dh speak, she just thought maybe i'd forgive if she told me I was cutting her off?!
I decided my life is much better off without her in it. So i've decided to keep it that way! Only you can choose what is right for you.
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River
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Posts: 3,515
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Jun 26, 2014 15:26:04 GMT
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Post by River on Jul 28, 2014 14:04:46 GMT
((HUGS)) BTDT and still have no advice. My dh's family is the same way and after 20 years, I've yet to grow "thick skin".
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Deleted
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May 18, 2024 7:45:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2014 14:17:12 GMT
Is it worth it, perpetuating the drama? Because if you continue to argue with her or don't show up to your regular family day at the amusement park, you are taking part in the drama and fueling it.
You don't need to be a doormat but you don't need to fuel the argument, either.
It sounds like your SIL was very angry and upset over the possibility of you not making it to her daughter's birthday party. The comments she made about your son were immature and hurtful. It was wrong of her to speak that way.
I don't think you are helping yourself or the situation by reading into the phone call answering as targeting you because you are an easy target -- let go of that kind of thinking.
If you WANT to fix the problem, approach her kindly and say that you heard she was upset when you spoke about being able to make it to the party. Ask her why.
Think about what you can do differently next time: maybe you can say something like "son as a baseball tournament he needs to attend that day. We don't know the schedule yet, but it's possible we may be able to attend or we might have to miss it, or come late or leave early. I'll call you next week when we find out the schedule."
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gloryjoy
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Posts: 3,332
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Post by gloryjoy on Jul 28, 2014 14:25:15 GMT
If I wanted to go to the park, I'd go. If I didn't want to, I wouldn't. Her behavior would have little to do with my decision. What does your son want to do? Is he already looking forward to it? Plus it sounds like he's already invited a friend, so you're risking disappointing two children. This exactly. I wouldn't let her actions disappoint my children. I know it's immature (and hey I'm 50+) but I would go to the park with the family and be cordial with her. I wouldn't be having a conversation with her but I would answer her if she spoke to me with short and if possible, one word answers. |
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garcia5050
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Post by garcia5050 on Jul 28, 2014 14:31:11 GMT
My family and in-law drama is mostly in the past, and not quite as painful as what you are going through. During those times, my husband has asked me to take the higher road, for him, because his family is very important to him. So I have, but no one has screamed in my face before. That would be tough. You know what else is tough? Taking 18 month old twins to an amusement park. That alone would keep me away from the amusement park. But you went last year, when they were 6 months? I would consider taking two cars,enjoying those family members whose company I do enjoy, and leaving when I feel like it.
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Post by leslie132 on Jul 28, 2014 14:32:17 GMT
Is it worth it, perpetuating the drama? Because if you continue to argue with her or don't show up to your regular family day at the amusement park, you are taking part in the drama and fueling it. You don't need to be a doormat but you don't need to fuel the argument, either. It sounds like your SIL was very angry and upset over the possibility of you not making it to her daughter's birthday party. The comments she made about your son were immature and hurtful. It was wrong of her to speak that way. I don't think you are helping yourself or the situation by reading into the phone call answering as targeting you because you are an easy target -- let go of that kind of thinking. If you WANT to fix the problem, approach her kindly and say that you heard she was upset when you spoke about being able to make it to the party. Ask her why. Think about what you can do differently next time: maybe you can say something like "son as a baseball tournament he needs to attend that day. We don't know the schedule yet, but it's possible we may be able to attend or we might have to miss it, or come late or leave early. I'll call you next week when we find out the schedule." I don't think I "read into" anything about the phone call. My husband called her 3 times and she didn't return his calls. Yet she returned mine within an hour. She wanted to speak with me as I won't have words with her. My husband would have. It was planned on her part as to who she spoke with. Otherwise, why wouldn't you call your brother back? And yes, your reply to the invite is perfect for next time. But, after this I think my husband will be dealing with invites. I gave a reply right then and there, thinking it would help her with planning. Anything from how much food to what size cake. I thought it would be best to be prompt. I was wrong with that!! |
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gloryjoy
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,332
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Post by gloryjoy on Jul 28, 2014 14:33:32 GMT
She said it so much better than me!
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Post by leslie132 on Jul 28, 2014 14:38:11 GMT
My family and in-law drama is mostly in the past, and not quite as painful as what you are going through. During those times, my husband has asked me to take the higher road, for him, because his family is very important to him. So I have, but no one has screamed in my face before. That would be tough. You know what else is tough? Taking 18 month old twins to an amusement park. That alone would keep me away from the amusement park. But you went last year, when they were 6 months? I would consider taking two cars,enjoying those family members whose company I do enjoy, and leaving when I feel like it. Not only were the babies 6 months old , my husband was recovering from brain surgery where they removed a tumor ( non cancerous thank God) from the base of his brain. He was 2.5 months out from surgery and really wanted to try to be there with his family. No rides, just walking. His family is VERY split..... And small, but we value family so we went. It was tough and we made it. It was a fun day.... I'm thinking this year won't be as easy. SMH!! |
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msliz
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Jun 26, 2014 21:32:34 GMT
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Post by msliz on Jul 28, 2014 14:42:40 GMT
Here is where I'm torn. We are doing a "family" day with his side on Friday. It is to an amusement park and we have done this the past 2 years. Her daughter and my son ride together. I don't get this. Drive your DS and his friend in your car. Come and go as you like, and maybe meet up with the others for ice cream at some point. And maybe your DH can brag to SIL about DS  |
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. And also...she takes every... And I mean EVERY....present back. She is the worlds cheapest person and I hate how we give a gift and she returns it. My niece would not get it in the end anyway.
