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Post by kristenf on Jul 30, 2014 22:25:48 GMT
Is this a rhetorical question that just comes out in coversation, like "How do you do it? I'd go insane..." or do they ask "How do you stay home all day without getting bored or going crazy?" then look at you waiting for an answer? (because if they're actually expecting an answer, can I please say, wtf? ) Truthfully, assuming it's the rhetorical scenario, I would ignore it and move past. You've addressed this with them before, they haven't taken the hint, and they haven't taken the flat out un-minced "this comment bothers me." I would guess that you still value their friendship enough that you've kept them around despite this ongoing insensitivity, so at this point I would set down any expectation that they are every going to "get it." Only you know how you really feel in your heart about this, but my guess is that this isn't the hill you want your friendship to die on. As hard as it may be, ignore and move on. If they sense you've done just that and call you out for ignoring, you should feel empowered to remind them that you have already responded to this question, and that they continue to bring it up despite you telling them that comment is hurtful to you, so you really don't have any other response-your ignoring the question is your way of remaining mature and not letting this issue get in the way of your friendship. Ultimately, though, when you think about why they would even bother making such a comment, it's probably because they are envious in some way. They either wish they could have stayed home when their kids were young/could stay home now but never had the opportunity, or wish they had the temperament to stay home/be satisfied with not working outside the home but didn't think they could handle it. If they are really decent friends, even factoring in the fact that nobody's perfect, I can't imagine that they would bring this up over and over again over a period of years, just for the purpose of belittling you. It just doesn't make sense that they would do that... there has to be some other emotional reason behind them bringing it up repeatedly. To that end, you should ultimately take it as a compliment. They keep bringing it up because it's something they admire about you-you can do this, and thrive at it, and they couldn't (be it by choice or circumstance). They may also be reflecting on what a great teacher you were and how much you loved that job, and not understanding how the job you took by staying home fulfilled you just as much. Personally... I work part time. If I stayed home full time, I would definitely go crazy. And if I worked full time, I would definitely go crazy. LOL I also wish I had the qualities required to succeed at both of those choices! I cannot excuse your friends for ignoring your feelings and continuing to hurt you with their comments, but I can definitely understand the sentiment. And I can vouch that it is possible for that sentiment to come from a place of admiration, rather than criticism.
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Post by scrapmaven on Jul 30, 2014 22:31:31 GMT
"Well, that's insulting." I don't mince words.
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Post by Aheartfeltcard on Jul 30, 2014 22:35:14 GMT
I have an old friend like that . It pisses me off. She is the exact opposite.
I tell her there is always something to do.
I feel like telling her (she fits the category) , will you ever pay down your debt ??
I mean, I made my decision, she made hers. What is it to her?
I love my life!!
Eta: I could rip apart another persons situation, but I don't.
As for me , I am here for my kids. I don't send them to school sick to pass it along to others. I don't hand everything to them in a silver platter and then bitch about having to work to pay the bills. Or feel guilty that I am not there and therefore spoil them with gifts. I have a full plate shuffling mine back and forth to activities because they choose to be involved, not to "keep them busy". I help with homework and monitor online activity, and give advice when needed . I cook fresh, healthy foods every day and we eat as a family.
This explains my ability to stay home without going nuts.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Jul 30, 2014 22:44:44 GMT
Speaking for myself, when I've wondered what a SAHM does all day or how she doesn't go crazy, it's definitely not from jealous or envy. I tried it and hated it. I could have continued doing it, if I wanted, but I did NOT want. So no jealousy. I'm actually curious about the personality type that can enjoy that lifestyle and what activities the person pursues, because the lifestyle is so foreign to my nature/happiness. No hidden agenda. Just curiosity.
Just like I wonder what it's like to be a missionary in a foreign country or a farmer or a line operator in an auto assembly factory or a pharmacist. I don't want to be any of those things, but I wonder what it's like, what makes the person tick who does that kind of work, what the benefits/disadvantages are, etc.
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luckyexwife
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Posts: 3,067
Jun 25, 2014 21:21:08 GMT
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Post by luckyexwife on Jul 30, 2014 23:15:21 GMT
I think I would consider their intent. If I thought they were jealous I would say something like "I know I'm lucky that I have the opportunity to stay home." If I thought they were just saying it to be snarky I would be equally snarky back and say something like "oh, that's funny because I've always wanted to know how you could have kids just to hand them off to someone else to take care of." If I thought they were coming across as rude but they didn't know they were coming across that way or they didn't intend to come across that way I would say something like "hey, do you understand how judgmental that sounds?" I've given answers like this. If it is a complete stranger, I usually give rude or snarky comments.
It's funny, though, I've worked full time, part time, and stayed home, and I've gotten judgment during all three!
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Post by cadoodlebug on Jul 30, 2014 23:19:49 GMT
I just look at them and say that I watch soap operas and sit around all day eating bonbons. I haven't worked outside the home in a paid position in 30 years but I'm my husband's escrow coordinator. I always tell people I'm sleeping with my boss. Poor DH gets embarrassed when I say that because not everyone knows he's my boss.
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Post by cadoodlebug on Jul 30, 2014 23:21:01 GMT
I've received a similar reaction when I tell people I work from home. I just shrug and say I love it! You could always come up with a humorous/PA response like "Watching soaps and eating bon-bons all day can be exhausting." haha, I should have read the thread before responding!
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jul 30, 2014 23:24:59 GMT
Speaking for myself, when I've wondered what a SAHM does all day or how she doesn't go crazy, it's definitely not from jealous or envy. I tried it and hated it. I could have continued doing it, if I wanted, but I did NOT want. So no jealousy. I'm actually curious about the personality type that can enjoy that lifestyle and what activities the person pursues, because the lifestyle is so foreign to my nature/happiness. No hidden agenda. Just curiosity. Just like I wonder what it's like to be a missionary in a foreign country or a farmer or a line operator in an auto assembly factory or a pharmacist. I don't want to be any of those things, but I wonder what it's like, what makes the person tick who does that kind of work, what the benefits/disadvantages are, etc. I think the issue is there is no one way to be a SAHM. I know some introverted SAHM who spend a lot of time at home. I also know some extroverted SAHMs who are always on the go. Some have small children, others have school aged children - that directly impact the amount of hours for pure caregiving. I have two friends who could not have a more different lifestyle - both are SAHMs. One has 4 children and lives on an organic farm. She homeschools and does more physcial labor than I can begin to comprehend. She cooks completely from scratch and tries to grow most of their own produce. The other has one child who is starting 7th grade. She has a housekeeper, a gardener and when her child was small a nanny. To say her life is different than my friend is an understatement to the extreme.
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MaryMary
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Lazy
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Jun 25, 2014 21:56:13 GMT
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Post by MaryMary on Jul 30, 2014 23:26:59 GMT
I don't think I've ever been asked that.
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Post by zeutdog86 on Jul 31, 2014 0:06:06 GMT
Ummm…you DO have a job and one you love. And it is the hardest job of all. Maybe show them the job description? Director of Operations
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Post by MsChiff on Jul 31, 2014 0:38:15 GMT
How do you stay at home all day, I would be so bored/go crazy/kill myself? I need adult interaction! Blah, blah, blah... So SAHM, do you find yourself having to defend your decision to working moms? Any comebacks that will help shut down the topic? I'm not a stay at home but looking forward to when I retire so I can do what I want when I want! "Then it's a good thing you didn't choose to stay at home." "I love waking up and being able to choose what I do that day." "I love having all day to do chores/run errands/work out, etc. so when my family is home I can spend time with them." "I love not having to leave my house when the weather is bad." "I love being able to choose with whom I interact with on any given day." "I love being able to sleep in when I'm tired in the morning." "I love not having to worry about my work not getting done when I'm in bed sick." "I love being able to focus all my energies on my family." "I love being able to prepare delicious, healthy meals for my family." "I love not having to juggle work and family." Or you could turn it on them: "I'd go crazy having someone else telling me what to do all day." "I'd kill myself if my entire life consisted of working -- first outside of the home and then at home." "I'd be so bored sitting in the same office/interacting with the same people day in and day out."
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Post by peasful1 on Jul 31, 2014 0:56:04 GMT
Most often, I find that comment is a passive-aggressive dig that indicates the speaker has a tremendous amount of baggage. I've heard it all. Consider the source. Consider what prompted it. Then give it the response you feel it deserves. Sometimes, that means talking to them about the subject in a sincere and honest way. Sometimes it may mean an immediate change of subject. If they revert back to the topic and press for a response, I suppose you could say, "in addition to being easily bored, it would appear you aren't very good at picking up on social cues, either. Hahaha" [exit stage left]
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Post by melanell on Jul 31, 2014 1:05:52 GMT
I tell them the truth. That yes, some days the kids make me a little crazy. Or even a lot crazy. And many nights DH will take them to a playground or to watch a movie or play outside, etc., etc. for a half hour or an hour before bed so I can sit down and breathe or I can exercise or work or whatever. It's hard. But ultimately it's what we feel is right for us, so I do my best. And I try to get some time to myself or time when I can go hang out with other adults regularly. Or, if I don't want to get into a long discussion, I just say "It's what I want to do." and leave it at that. You never need to defend your life. Just live it and enjoy it.
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Post by Goldynn on Jul 31, 2014 1:06:31 GMT
I'd say "Bored? Wow, I'm never bored, I love every day of my life! I didn't know you have problems dealing with things..."
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Post by ptamom on Jul 31, 2014 3:15:02 GMT
I did a lot of volunteering, once my kids were old enough.
Was on the parent board of the preschool. Helped with many of the events.
Once my youngest started Kindergarten, I joined PTA and started helping in the classroom. The next year I was on the PTA board, as communications VP. I edited the newsletter and website from home.
I became more and more involved in the PTA as time went on, also the Education Foundation in town too.
I was always amazed to have other moms at maybe a class party tell me, "Oh, I work. I had to take a day off to be here. It's a good thing you have time to volunteer."
Heck, yeah, its a good thing I had time to volunteer! I was able to contribute to our kids' educations, while you were at work. I understand when other families decide that two working parents is the best for their family. My family made the sacrifice of a second income, and while we maybe had to forego some things it benefitted kids of working families, as I was able to help in the classroom, as well as benefitting us.
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Post by PEArfect on Jul 31, 2014 3:37:12 GMT
"Only boring people get bored."
"I have enough to do around the house to keep me busy for years."
"SaHm? Funny, I'm never home. Taxi mom that is rarely home is more like it."
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ingrid
Full Member
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Jun 26, 2014 0:52:41 GMT
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Post by ingrid on Jul 31, 2014 3:54:57 GMT
I usually respond to questions like that by saying something like, "You know, I worked full-time when our two older sons were little and missed out on a lot of moments that I can't ever get back. I guess there are days when I start to miss adult interaction and feel a little lost, but seeing how happy our little guy is every day and knowing I've never missed a 'first' makes everything else such a non-issue. I'm so blessed we're in a position where I can devote all of my time to my family. I have a lot of respect for women who have to balance their family with their career."
It's an honest answer and I don't think it's snarky. I think people are less inclined to criticize something when you tell them you see it as a blessing and but can also respect people who make a different choice. I've never said something similar and had someone continue to point out all the negatives about being a SAHM.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Jul 31, 2014 7:56:20 GMT
I think it's good to consider the source and react in a way that will diffuse the tension. Anything that suggests you are a better mom will just escalate the problem. I would sincerely want to ask mothers with full time jobs how they could leave their little ones every day. But I didn't, as I knew this would be hurtful.
I did get the "how can you stay home all day?", sometimes. As well as "what do you do all day?" Very often there was un underlying aggression. I often sensed it came from guilt on the part of the moms who were not there when their children got home from school, or able to go on the field trips, or help the 2nd graders learn to read.
It's a decision. An extremely valid one that no one needs to justify. It's also not the only decision that is valid.
I'm sorry OP that your group of friends have trouble valuing your decision.
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Post by Karmady on Jul 31, 2014 10:58:17 GMT
I've heard this question numerous times over the years. A couple of my SILs have asked in a snarky way "What do you do all day? I can only watch so much tv" LOL. The tv never comes on during the day. I'm one of those people who has so many interests that there isn't enough time in a day. Plus all of the regular household chores. I plan out what I'm going to do each day.
I have worked part time on and off. One of ds's friend's mothers asked how my work was going. I told her that I didn't renew my contract. She looked at me and said 'that must be nice" in a snarky tone. I just said "yeah, it is". She is very much a keep up with the Jones' kind of gal. The best and newest of everything.
I'm at the age where I care less and less about what others think. I'm so happy and grateful to spent time with my dh who leaves for work at 2 pm each day and my three teens.
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Post by pelirroja on Jul 31, 2014 11:18:35 GMT
I always explain that I do indeed have a job, I just don't have a paycheck. The Mommy Wars drive me crazy and I'd like to believe each one of us does what is in the best interest of ourselves and our family. I know some of us are put into situations and circumstances that are not of our own making and we make the best of what we are given. I think people are naturally curious about situations, decisions, and choices that don't match what theirs are. No need to explain or defend. It is what it is.
I'm never bored, ever. Exhausted, yes, but bored, never.
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rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,123
Jul 1, 2014 20:20:18 GMT
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Post by rickmer on Jul 31, 2014 11:54:43 GMT
i would respond questions about what do you do/aren't you bored with "really? i love it". you have responded to their question with as much thought as as they put into asking it. i may be tempted to make a comment, next time they complained about scheduling issues or being run off their feet with something to the effect of "this is one of the reasons it works for our family for me to stay home." but i am like that sometimes!!
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Post by donna on Jul 31, 2014 13:26:41 GMT
Hey, it takes all kinds to make up this world. (I would have a hard time not saying that only boring people get bored.)
When people find out I am a high school Chemistry teacher I often get comments like "Ugh, I hated Chemistry." or "How do you put up with teenagers all day?"
I tell them, "You just didn't have the right Chemistry teacher." or "Working with teenagers is fun and keeps me young."
Some people just do not realize how rude they are being when they are just making small talk. I will need to be mindful of this myself.
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Post by guzismom on Jul 31, 2014 13:42:27 GMT
I usually give them a play by play of my day and then ask them "does that seem boring or dull to you?". Alternately, I tell them I never get bored with all my hobbies to indulge and girlfriends to take to lunch. BTW: I am an extrovert (and college educated) and I LOVE being at home. In just about a year I will go from being an at home parent to being an at home wife and I have no intention of going back to work. I love, love, LOVE the flexibility not working gives me!
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~Susan~
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You need to check your boobs, mine tried to kill me!!!
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Jul 6, 2014 17:25:32 GMT
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Post by ~Susan~ on Jul 31, 2014 13:55:31 GMT
For some the choice is just a choice. Another factor in our decision was money. Yes, I did want to stay home however if I had not wanted to stay home I wouldn't have been able to. Most people think you have to HAVE money to be able to stay home with your kids. My younger sister told me that it was nice that I could afford to stay home. I told her that in fact I could NOT afford to go to work. I had a low paying job, 15cents above min wage. My DH's job paid the bills but nothing to be able to put money aside for a rainy day. We did calculate the numbers to see if I could work if I had wanted to. After child care expenses, my monthly bus pass and all the other expenses required, I might have had $20 left over from each paycheck. And that would require finding the cheapest daycare possible. And with our incomes combined there would be no help from the government. You get stuck in that "sorry you would make too much". Worked for about a year when my oldest was about 2.5yo. It was low paying, but I wanted to "help and contribute to the household". The only job I could find was barely over minimum wage and it had a dress code. DH and figured it up one day. After gas, clothes, daycare and whatnot, I was only clearing about $50 a week. Then on top of that, my DD was staying sick all the time and the dr bill really ate that up. That is when we decided I would stay home. It was the best choice for us.
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scrapnnana
Drama Llama
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Jun 29, 2014 18:58:47 GMT
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Post by scrapnnana on Jul 31, 2014 14:55:58 GMT
You could always say, "If I had to stay home with your kids I'd go crazy and kill myself too." I about choked when I read that! In all honesty, I suspect they aren't really interested in whatever your answer might be. There are lots of possible reasons why they keep making comments about "how can you keep sane," but I suspect they are either just venting about their own kids, or they are deliberately putting you down for staying at home instead of working. I don't know them, so I can't know which it is likely to be. If they are venting because their kids are not well behaved, then I would shrug it off and try not to let it bother me. If I seriously thought it was a put-down, then I would find other friends to replace them, preferably other SAHMs.
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raindancer
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Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Jul 31, 2014 15:03:03 GMT
How do you stay at home all day, I would be so bored/go crazy/kill myself? I need adult interaction! Blah, blah, blah... I am a college educated woman (masters in education) who decided to stay home with my first child when he was born 11 yrs ago. There were several reasons for this but it boiled down to I wanted to be there everyday with my child, my husband travels a ton and it would be easier on the family to have me stay home, and my DH makes a very good salary and my salary has not been missed (I was an elementary school teacher for 6 yrs.) I should add that both of my kids are now in school full-time so I am home alone now during the day. I am the only one of my college friends who I am still close to who made this decision. They are the ones who have made the "I would go crazy staying at home" over and over throughout the years. I have stated several times that this decision was best for our family, I keep myself plenty busy - working out, volunteering several times a week at their school, I belong to the Junior a League and volunteer several times a month with them, I run errands, take care of our large house, etc. I have said, "Your comments offend me." Still they come up, especially in the summer when they are home with their kids. I would never question their choices to work instead of staying home because I know that is a very personal decision for their family. Besides, I really do like staying home. I am an introvert and it appeals to me a lot. My friends are extroverts so I am sure it is torture for them to stay home but they don't need to keep telling me this!!! So SAHM, do you find yourself having to defend your decision to working moms? Any comebacks that will help shut down the topic? I agree with the comeback that everyone is different and you are fine. I really hate when SAHM's use the things you do as a "reason" you aren't bored though, as every one I know who works outside of the home (or like me goes to school full time) also does all that other stuff. I work out, volunteer for two non-profit orgs, drive my kids all over this city, run errands and take care of a large house. I had a lot of down time when I stayed home (Which I did for 10 years). So coming from both places, I'm a lot more busy now that i have demands on my time that are "required" (class time is set and due dates are real vs volunteering which has deadlines to be sure, but I can walk away if I must).
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Dalai Mama
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Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on Jul 31, 2014 15:05:53 GMT
"Everything you do after you get home from work". Snarky? Yes. But that question is rude to begin with. Thank goodness no one has ever asked me that! Pfft, if you're going to be snarky, at least put some effort into it! I would say, "Everything that you're too tired to do when you get home from work." FTR, I'm a WOHM by choice but crap like that pisses me off.
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raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,095
Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Jul 31, 2014 15:08:17 GMT
I did a lot of volunteering, once my kids were old enough. Was on the parent board of the preschool. Helped with many of the events. Once my youngest started Kindergarten, I joined PTA and started helping in the classroom. The next year I was on the PTA board, as communications VP. I edited the newsletter and website from home. I became more and more involved in the PTA as time went on, also the Education Foundation in town too. I was always amazed to have other moms at maybe a class party tell me, "Oh, I work. I had to take a day off to be here. It's a good thing you have time to volunteer." Heck, yeah, its a good thing I had time to volunteer! I was able to contribute to our kids' educations, while you were at work. I understand when other families decide that two working parents is the best for their family. My family made the sacrifice of a second income, and while we maybe had to forego some things it benefitted kids of working families, as I was able to help in the classroom, as well as benefitting us. When I stayed home and mom's said that to me, I said I was glad they could help when they could and that I was able to take the time to put together a party like that. But good lord, to suggest that a working mom doesn't contribute to the school or the children's education? Talk about insulting. How incredibly rude. The sacrifice. No need to be a martyr. I no longer volunteer with the PTA because of various reasons but snotty moms were one of them.
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Post by auntkelly on Jul 31, 2014 15:15:08 GMT
I've always worked part-time since my oldest was born, so I feel like I'm sitting on the fence between the working moms' world and the stay at home moms' world.
I think that your friends are being snarky if they have asked you more than once what you do all day. I think you should be honest with them and say, gently, "You've asked me that before and it kind of seems to me as if you are putting down my choice to stay at home with my kids. I stay really busy doing things that I think are very important, but frankly there are days that I miss the working world."
If you are totally honest with your friends they will probably open up with you and tell you that their life is not perfect and they sometimes question their decision to work fulltime. I don't think there is any woman with children who truly has a perfect life and doesn't occasionally question her choices.
I really wish women were more supportive of each other when it comes to choices about staying at home after having children or continuing to work outside the home.
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raindancer
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Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Jul 31, 2014 15:15:16 GMT
I usually give them a play by play of my day and then ask them "does that seem boring or dull to you?". Alternately, I tell them I never get bored with all my hobbies to indulge and girlfriends to take to lunch. BTW: I am an extrovert (and college educated) and I LOVE being at home. In just about a year I will go from being an at home parent to being an at home wife and I have no intention of going back to work. I love, love, LOVE the flexibility not working gives me! I mean this with no snark, because this is something that baffles me for real. If the role was reversed and your husband had the stay at home role and then told you he loved not working, and that he was not going to work even after kids were raised, would that not seem weird or off or troublesome to you? I would really be bothered by this. But I always felt leery and slightly uncomfortable not contributing financially in any capacity, even when the kids were small and it was an agreement made by us together that I would stay home (it was based on income brought in and job growth potential over the years, not traditional roles at all.) So even with reassurance that the kids were little and he preferred one of us to be home with them, it still felt weird.
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