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Post by shanniebananie on Jul 30, 2014 14:42:59 GMT
How do you stay at home all day, I would be so bored/go crazy/kill myself? I need adult interaction! Blah, blah, blah...
I am a college educated woman (masters in education) who decided to stay home with my first child when he was born 11 yrs ago. There were several reasons for this but it boiled down to I wanted to be there everyday with my child, my husband travels a ton and it would be easier on the family to have me stay home, and my DH makes a very good salary and my salary has not been missed (I was an elementary school teacher for 6 yrs.) I should add that both of my kids are now in school full-time so I am home alone now during the day.
I am the only one of my college friends who I am still close to who made this decision. They are the ones who have made the "I would go crazy staying at home" over and over throughout the years. I have stated several times that this decision was best for our family, I keep myself plenty busy - working out, volunteering several times a week at their school, I belong to the Junior a League and volunteer several times a month with them, I run errands, take care of our large house, etc. I have said, "Your comments offend me." Still they come up, especially in the summer when they are home with their kids. I would never question their choices to work instead of staying home because I know that is a very personal decision for their family. Besides, I really do like staying home. I am an introvert and it appeals to me a lot. My friends are extroverts so I am sure it is torture for them to stay home but they don't need to keep telling me this!!!
So SAHM, do you find yourself having to defend your decision to working moms? Any comebacks that will help shut down the topic?
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Post by lovetodigi on Jul 30, 2014 14:47:28 GMT
Just tell them that you have BTDT, tried both and prefer to be exactly where you are. Everybody is different.
I have worked outside the home and then became a SAHM. Now we are empty nesters and I still stay at home. There is enough to do at home to prevent one from becoming bored, especially with children in the home.
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Post by myshelly on Jul 30, 2014 14:52:14 GMT
I've never been asked that question.
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Post by Merge on Jul 30, 2014 14:52:56 GMT
Are you in the south? "Well, bless your heart" would be an appropriate response.  I've been on both sides of this (put down for being a SAHM and a WOHM at different times) and there's really no good response for people who think they need to comment on your life choices. The least-confrontational thing to do is probably either to deflect with humor (Yeah, who knew how handy those deviant psychology classes would come in with my toddler?) or to smile, say something non-committal and move on. If you're comfortable with your choice, that's all that matters. |
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Post by lucyg on Jul 30, 2014 14:53:04 GMT
I think you are letting their comments bother you too much. There is no way to truly shut them up short of cutting them out of your life, so you have to learn to let the comments roll off of you instead.
I was a totally SAHM until my kids went to school, then a part-time WAHM (freelancer). During that time, most of my SAHM friends went back to work and as soon as they did, they started hassling me about staying at home.
My answer? "Whatever!" Truthfully, I always felt like I knew a secret they didn't know ... I knew how to entertain myself without a 40+ hr/wk job commitment.
So let them make fun of you. You probably have a happier, more peaceful life, and less stressed DH and kids.
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Post by moveablefeast on Jul 30, 2014 14:53:26 GMT
I've stayed at home and I've worked and now I'm working and in graduate school. I've been criticized by multiple people for those choices and never would have expected some of it!
My favorite answer now is something like, "Sometimes it's challenging, but I really like what I'm doing right now and I'm glad I have the opportunity." I no longer make a habit of justifying or explaining or apologizing.
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Post by pierkiss on Jul 30, 2014 14:53:52 GMT
"Everything you do after you get home from work". Snarky? Yes. But that question is rude to begin with. Thank goodness no one has ever asked me that!  |
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Post by traceys on Jul 30, 2014 14:55:05 GMT
I was not a SAHM, although that would have been my choice when my children were young if finances had allowed. But I am retired now, and have had a couple of people ask me what I was going to do all day. My answer is "anything I want" You don't have to justify yourself. I don't know anything that would particularly shut down the comments, but I would just smile and say, "I consider myself fortunate that I have the option to choose the life I want." |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jul 30, 2014 14:57:17 GMT
I think I would just respond with, "I know it is probably difficult for you to put yourself in my shoes and I find it difficult to put myself in your shoes too." If they are truly your friend, they are just making conversation, not intentionally trying to hurt you or criticize your lifestyle choice.
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Post by krc11 on Jul 30, 2014 15:00:57 GMT
Love pierkiss' response. or you could phrase it "I'm glad to be there for my kids" and then look pointedly at them. Rinse, lather, repeat. maybe they'll finally take the hint.
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Sarah*H
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,978 
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Post by Sarah*H on Jul 30, 2014 15:01:49 GMT
I only had one person ask me that and I responded with "doing all of the things you make fun of SAHM moms for doing."  I guess people really don't get how rude it is or else they have limited imaginations to be unable to comprehend how someone can fill the hours of the day doing meaningful things that are different than how someone else chooses to fill THEIR day doing different meaningful things. |
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Post by BeckyTech on Jul 30, 2014 15:05:45 GMT
I've received a similar reaction when I tell people I work from home. I just shrug and say I love it!
You could always come up with a humorous/PA response like "Watching soaps and eating bon-bons all day can be exhausting."
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Post by miominmio on Jul 30, 2014 15:06:09 GMT
I've been a SAHM for a year. I have a masters degree in law (6 years at university), as does DH. We have two kids, 8 and 15. For years, my mom and my inlaws have helped us out a lot, because both DH and me have/had a four hour daily commute. When our parents' health started to fail due to their age, and DH got a promotion which means 10-12 hours a day plus the commute, it really wasn't an option for us both to work full time. Part time work in our fields are just not possible, so I really had no other option than becoming a SAHM.
When someone criticize it, I just say we chose what is best for our family and leave it at that. It really isn't their business having an opinion, and I have no problem telling them exactly that if it's necessary.
For me, work was very important. I thrive when I work with something that challenge me intellectually, and being a SAHM doesn't do that. BUT: my kids are much happier. I'm there when they wake up, I make them dinner every afternoon and we eat it together (DH comes home too late most days), if they need to talk, I'm right there. If they need help with their homework, it's much easier to help them.
We eat healthier, too, because now I have the time to cook from scratch. When I get comments from my sister, who is the worst cook ever, I just say something like "well, at least I have time to cook for my family and not feed them some pre-made cr@p". Shuts her up every time.
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
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Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Jul 30, 2014 15:13:27 GMT
You don't have to justify yourself. I don't know anything that would particularly shut down the comments, but I would just smile and say, "I consider myself fortunate that I have the option to choose the life I want." I think women ask that question to make themselves feel better about working. I was a SAHM for many, many years and then a SAHW and even though I am not a wife any more, I still stay at home. I love it and honestly wouldn't be able to find the time to work. I've always considered myself fortunate and let any comments roll off my back. My life, my choice. My friends finally got tired of asking me that question because I didn't justify or argue my side. |
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Post by Basket1lady on Jul 30, 2014 15:15:42 GMT
My answer? "Whatever!" Truthfully, I always felt like I knew a secret they didn't know ... I knew how to entertain myself So let them make fun of you. You probably have a happier, more peaceful life, and less stressed DH and kids. This. I've been home for 18 years now. I will probably go back to work to help with college expenses. But I don't expect that to last more than a few years. My DH has a high profile, demanding job that often requires me to be in attendance for dinners and daytime ceremonies. I also volunteer at the kids' school and with after school activities.
For our family, the flexibility of my time is valuable for our family life. There are so many ways that we all benefit from my time at home. DH doesn't get home until almost 7 pm most days and is gone by 5 am. We don't have family in the area, so our kids would be raised by strangers if I worked. I have one child with Asperger's and the continuity of a daily routine is essential for his well being. Because I can volunteer for activities and can shuttle the kids around, they have had opportunities that directly benefit them.
i don't look down on working moms. But I don't respect those women who look down on my choices. And I really don't care what they think, as both my DH and I have made this choice for our family.
As an aside, even the military sees the sacrifice. If DH and I were to divorce now, I'm entitled to 50% of his retirement income and health benefits. Luckily, I'm a keeper! 
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Post by dulcemama on Jul 30, 2014 15:27:50 GMT
Honestly, for most I don't think it's a "real" question, just a comment about their own preferences. I have said this very thing because I am truly not built that way and would go crazy. I have no negative feelings for women who stay home. And I have had women say things like "how can you stand not being there for the important moments in your child's life?" Honestly, it doesn't bother me at all. Again, I'm not built that way. It would be easy to take that personally but really, I think most of the time, it is just moms trying to share their experiences.
But I do, of course, realize that some women mean it in a negative way, but I don't think that that's the majority of women.
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Sarah*H
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by Sarah*H on Jul 30, 2014 15:36:30 GMT
There is really no way to say this that I think it won't be perceived as rude because it implies all sorts of things about what you think a SAHM must be like and do all day. There is no SAHM/W mandatory guidebook or prototype. What does it mean that you're "not built that way?" I mean, I think I get what you mean but when you consider that there are millions of Type A, formerly career driven adults who make that choice and manage not to go crazy, can you see that it comes across as dismissive?
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 30, 2014 15:37:14 GMT
You could say, Bit me.
Honestly I'd just suck it up. People say that about everything thing.
I don't know how you deal with kindergarteners, high schoolers...
I don't know how you sit in a cubicle
I don't know how you deal with sick people, death...
I don't know how you waitress
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Post by krazykatlady on Jul 30, 2014 15:42:38 GMT
How about "I love being at home all day, why does it bother you so much?"
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Deleted
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May 19, 2024 17:07:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2014 15:43:00 GMT
I have a very full life. I keep busy taking care of my family and doing things I love and enjoy.
It's not about how one is built. It's a choice. You grow into it. Just like you weren't born knowing how to be a doctor or a teacher or a whatever. You were taught how to do those things when you set your mind to wanting to learn how. You learn from others and by trial and error.
It's ok if you don't *want* to be a SAHM...you can be honest and say *it doesn't appeal to me* instead of insulting my choice by indicating you think you are above it.
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Deleted
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May 19, 2024 17:07:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2014 15:44:15 GMT
I usually say something along the lines of "I'm glad we all have the freedom to choose how we wish to spend the short time we have with our kids."
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Post by Fairlyoddparent on Jul 30, 2014 15:44:26 GMT
I have also been a stay at home mom and a working mom. Both have their challenges. I have also been judged by others by who don't like my decisions. Honestly though, I have received more criticism and judgment from others since I work full time outside the home. In fact, I have even been told that moms who stay at home love their children more.  That said, working full time is very difficult for me. I have a hard time juggling everything that I am supposed to do and often feel like I am not doing any of my roles well. So I am admitting, I have to guard myself because I tend to judge stay at home moms and sometimes think how easy they have it. Of course, since I have been in that role, I know better but sometimes I forget about the challenges of that position. |
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mlana
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Post by mlana on Jul 30, 2014 15:50:20 GMT
My go to answer is "Really? I've never had any problem entertaining myself and I enjoy my own company." And then I usually look at them like I'm wondering what they are missing inside that they can't fathom being by themselves on a daily basis. LOL
I'm always amazed when people express dismay or disappointment that I "ended up" at SAHM. Really y'all? I raised and home schooled two very successful people, have made all the financial decisions for our business since we started it, and am still married and, for the most part, happy with the man I married 26 years ago. What is there to be disappointed about? I had not planned to be a SAHM when I was in high school, but I am not unhappy in any way with how my life turned out. I don't feel like I "sacrificed" myself at all; rather, I have had the opportunity to direct my family on the path that DH and I decided it should go.
Can you tell I've recently spoken with my mom? LOL She wanted me to be a lawyer or journalist, careers she wanted but didn't pursue. She adores her grandkids, but sometimes she forgets how much work they were.
Marcy
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Post by dulcemama on Jul 30, 2014 15:51:41 GMT
There is really no way to say this that I think it won't be perceived as rude because it implies all sorts of things about what you think a SAHM must be like and do all day. There is no SAHM/W mandatory guidebook or prototype. What does it mean that you're "not built that way?" I mean, I think I get what you mean but when you consider that there are millions of thousands of Type A, formerly career driven adults who make that choice and manage not to go crazy, can you see that it comes across as dismissive? I don't think it sounds any more dismissive than telling me that you don't know how I can be away from my child all day or how I can stand to live in a less the perfect home due to not having enough hours in a day. People are different. I could explain all the reasons that I wouldn't do well as a SAHM but all of them could be seen as an insult to someone who wants to take them that way. Some of them are related to things that I consider to be personal weaknesses. Again, people are different. What is good for one is not always what's best for everyone. And I don't make assumptions about what SAHMs do all day. I don't know many of them but the ones I do know work just as hard or harder than I do in a day. |
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freebird
Drama Llama
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Post by freebird on Jul 30, 2014 15:54:12 GMT
"Taking care and raising my children hasn't made me want to kill myself one time." *deadpan stare*  |
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Sarah*H
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Post by Sarah*H on Jul 30, 2014 16:00:51 GMT
I think saying that to someone is equally rude and dismissive. There's plenty of rude to go around in the world.  It doesn't seem like it should be that hard just not to comment on someone else's life choices in a way that could be interpreted as an insult. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2014 16:02:23 GMT
Yes, I have had to defend my choice to stay home with kids. Family and other people have told me I'm wasting my life and it's a shame that I've wasted my education.
When I was working, I had to defend my choice to work and pursue more education not only to SAHM but to the other moms that I actually worked with. The working moms were far more vocally judgemental of the hours I worked and choices I made, than anyone who ever questioned my choice to stay home.
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eastcoastpea
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Post by eastcoastpea on Jul 30, 2014 16:03:51 GMT
I don't think there is a one size fits all answer. When they say they couldn't stand it, you say it works for you. Then, move on to a new topic.
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Post by SabrinaM on Jul 30, 2014 16:13:33 GMT
Put it back on them with "Why do you ask?"
I was a SAHM up until my youngest was in 3rd grade. Now I sub teach. I've never been asked about the choices I've made.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2014 16:20:49 GMT
Don't take this as being snarky, but as a mom who HAS to work, maybe they are just jealous, and instead of trying to give a snappy comeback just consider yourself lucky that you are able to stay at home.
I wonder about your friends though if they make a lot of comments. I am the only one of my friends who works full time and I've never heard any of them ever say anyone gave them a hard time about being SAHM.
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I guess people really don't get how rude it is or else they have limited imaginations to be unable to comprehend how someone can fill the hours of the day doing meaningful things that are different than how someone else chooses to fill THEIR day doing different meaningful things. 
It doesn't seem like it should be that hard just not to comment on someone else's life choices in a way that could be interpreted as an insult. 
