raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,095
Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Jul 31, 2014 15:29:30 GMT
I remember someone asking me if I was afraid my brains were turning to mush because I wasn't being challenged intellectually. I was like, really? I spend my days trying to outwit a crafty 2-year-old and staying one step ahead of her. Tell me that's not intellectually challenging! I didn't find it intellectually challenging to stay home with toddlers. I felt exactly like my brain was turning to mush and that I was really becoming stagnant and losing myself as a person. It was a struggle for me to find ways to engage my brain (It's why I joined debate message boards, so I could study something, anything, and then I would often argue the side I was against so I could argue both ways intelligently). Maybe that someone experienced that as well and wondered about it, or realized that staying home would make her feel that way and wondered if others didn't feel that way. I know it was really hard for me to feel like I fit in when I stayed home, because I didn't especially enjoy it most days, (I do enjoy my kids, but not childcare "stuff"), so I didn't fit with the mom's I knew who like many think of it as a blessing, a challenge, an opportunity to not miss a single thing!, etc. And I didn't fit in with the working mom's either. So sometimes in an attempt to not feel isolated I might fish for an answer that made me feel like I was more normal than I felt, and probably offended people in the process. But I really was desperate to know that not everyone thought staying home with kids was soooo amazing! It's challenging to take care of toddlers, and stay ahead of them, and when I babysit my sisters kids I am exhausted at days end, because it is not easy. But I would not call it intellectually stimulating.
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janeliz
Drama Llama
I'm the Wiz and nobody beats me.
Posts: 5,633
Jun 26, 2014 14:35:07 GMT
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Post by janeliz on Jul 31, 2014 15:34:15 GMT
I was a working mom for 10 years and have now stayed at home for 2 years. Both of my girls are in school full-time. Strictly in my own experience, I took more flack from others (including my own mom) for being a working mom than I have for being a SAHM. I'm sorry you're having to defend yourself and your choices. It's a rotten feeling, especially when it comes from friends or family. Honestly, I'm not a big fan of "comebacks". What's that they say about opinions being like assholes? As hard as it is, let their comments roll off your back. You don't have to defend yourself. You're doing what's right for you and your family. ETA: If you decide you must have some comebacks in your arsenal for future use, please, please, please don't use the "someone else is raising your kids" line to working moms. That is such bullshit, and such a hurtful and cruel thing to say to a working mom. I was lucky enough to have a wonderful daycare and helpful grandparents when I worked, but no one else has ever "raised" my kids other than me and my husband.
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PrettyInPeank
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,691
Jun 25, 2014 21:31:58 GMT
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Jul 31, 2014 16:48:20 GMT
How do you stay at home all day, I would be so bored/go crazy/kill myself? I need adult interaction! Blah, blah, blah... "Well clearly you've never heard of 2peas then..."
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Post by guzismom on Aug 1, 2014 14:16:49 GMT
I usually give them a play by play of my day and then ask them "does that seem boring or dull to you?". Alternately, I tell them I never get bored with all my hobbies to indulge and girlfriends to take to lunch. BTW: I am an extrovert (and college educated) and I LOVE being at home. In just about a year I will go from being an at home parent to being an at home wife and I have no intention of going back to work. I love, love, LOVE the flexibility not working gives me! I mean this with no snark, because this is something that baffles me for real. If the role was reversed and your husband had the stay at home role and then told you he loved not working, and that he was not going to work even after kids were raised, would that not seem weird or off or troublesome to you? I would really be bothered by this. But I always felt leery and slightly uncomfortable not contributing financially in any capacity, even when the kids were small and it was an agreement made by us together that I would stay home (it was based on income brought in and job growth potential over the years, not traditional roles at all.) So even with reassurance that the kids were little and he preferred one of us to be home with them, it still felt weird. Not at all. These are choices we made together about our family before we even had kids. In the beginning I felt a lot like you do; but my husband and our kids convinced me over time that the roll I play at home home and the life it allowed us to live is very important. They like me at home! We have a very nice life; very little stress. We have great plans for travel once the nest is empty; that is much more difficult with two people working, especially considering the weird hours my husband keeps (he is an OB/GYN, so lots of on-call). Also, we don't need the money. If my husband wanted to stay home, I could support us...but since he makes FOUR or FIVE TIMES what I could make (even as a college educated nurse), that doesn't make much sense. Further, my profession is a physically demanding one, one that I was happy to endure as a twenty something and not so happy to endure it as a fifty something. Twelve hours + on your feet, with few breaks to even empty your bladder, is a little more than I'm willing to take on at this stage of my life! As for the "intellectual stimulation"; you don't need to work to find that. I am active in the local democratic women's group, take classes at the local university and am becoming more active in our local arts scene. It's all in what you choose to do with your time. I understand the wondering; really, I do. Twenty five years ago I had the same concerns; but living this life for so long, I have fallen in love with it as has my husband. As I try to remind my daughters on a regular basis, feminism is not about working or not working, one being better than the other....but about choices. I am grateful that I have more choices than many.
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Post by 2peafaithful on Aug 1, 2014 14:24:39 GMT
With my kids I haven't gotten that question a lot. This fall all my kids in school so I know I might be asked it now that I have all. day. by. myself. If asked what are you going to do with your time? I plan on saying, whatever I please. I have raised kids for 22 years and I have 2 years with all of my kids in school.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 19:05:57 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2014 14:48:31 GMT
I don't anymore. The older I get the less I care what others think, and I try to be around what one friend refers to as "people who celebrate me."
I think there's a big difference between "I could never" and "how do you possibly." Enough of the latter and I don't really consider you a friend who respects my choices.
ETA: I don't tend to get that comment from strangers, but I think I would do the blank stare and "excuse me, what did you say?"
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raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,095
Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Aug 1, 2014 15:35:08 GMT
I mean this with no snark, because this is something that baffles me for real. If the role was reversed and your husband had the stay at home role and then told you he loved not working, and that he was not going to work even after kids were raised, would that not seem weird or off or troublesome to you? I would really be bothered by this. But I always felt leery and slightly uncomfortable not contributing financially in any capacity, even when the kids were small and it was an agreement made by us together that I would stay home (it was based on income brought in and job growth potential over the years, not traditional roles at all.) So even with reassurance that the kids were little and he preferred one of us to be home with them, it still felt weird. Not at all. These are choices we made together about our family before we even had kids. In the beginning I felt a lot like you do; but my husband and our kids convinced me over time that the roll I play at home home and the life it allowed us to live is very important. They like me at home! We have a very nice life; very little stress. We have great plans for travel once the nest is empty; that is much more difficult with two people working, especially considering the weird hours my husband keeps (he is an OB/GYN, so lots of on-call). Also, we don't need the money. If my husband wanted to stay home, I could support us...but since he makes FOUR or FIVE TIMES what I could make (even as a college educated nurse), that doesn't make much sense. Further, my profession is a physically demanding one, one that I was happy to endure as a twenty something and not so happy to endure it as a fifty something. Twelve hours + on your feet, with few breaks to even empty your bladder, is a little more than I'm willing to take on at this stage of my life! As for the "intellectual stimulation"; you don't need to work to find that. I am active in the local democratic women's group, take classes at the local university and am becoming more active in our local arts scene. It's all in what you choose to do with your time. I understand the wondering; really, I do. Twenty five years ago I had the same concerns; but living this life for so long, I have fallen in love with it as has my husband. As I try to remind my daughters on a regular basis, feminism is not about working or not working, one being better than the other....but about choices. I am grateful that I have more choices than many. Thanks for responding. I totally agree about the nursing thing! I have several classes with future nurses, and have a chronically ill husband, so nurses have my utmost respect for a hard, thankless, and sometimes really gross job! I'm glad it works for your family. And that you are able to fill your time and feel good. I also have an advantage of my dh's job flexibility. He is often on call and working odd hours but he can do a good portion of that at home and he is very active in the kids lives too, and with delivering babies, etc. your dh has a lot less choice in when he works.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 19:05:57 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 1, 2014 16:59:22 GMT
Personally, I think the "Stay at Home" part of the job description really messes people up. It conjures up visions of people staying in the house, relaxing and doing nothing productive. And it's nowhere near that! It should be changed to "Mother who works her ass off and doesn't get a paycheck".
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Post by irisheyes on Aug 1, 2014 19:04:41 GMT
When I was a sahm, I would say, "I have so many hobbies and interests that I don't have time to get bored."
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