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Post by anxiousmom on May 14, 2016 21:52:17 GMT
On the thread about baby/marriage order, it seems that that there is a bit of a split between don't cares and cares (to varying degrees.) I wondered how people felt about living together-not so much about you, but your children?
My personal feeling is that by the time my kids get to that age, I have already done my job and have hopefully taught them all I can about relationships and that if they chose to live with someone before they marry I am okay with it. There are so many variables that go into that choice and I would hope they consider them all before making it, but I trust them to make good decisions. Or at the very least to make their own decisions.
So what do you think? How do you think you would feel about your children living with their partner pre-marriage? Or even instead of marriage?
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
Jul 8, 2014 20:17:31 GMT
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Post by scrapaddie on May 14, 2016 21:54:11 GMT
I was only surprised that my dd waited as long as she did before moving in with her so. He is not her dh
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Post by gar on May 14, 2016 21:54:22 GMT
My eldest does. I was glad she chose to do that before committing to marriage....their wedding will be next April.
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scrappington
Pearl Clutcher
in Canada
Posts: 3,139
Jun 26, 2014 14:43:10 GMT
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Post by scrappington on May 14, 2016 21:59:01 GMT
I find living with someone before marriage is the smart thing to do. No matter how much time you spend together it's still not the same as living with someone. Better to fin out before the marriage. I also believe marriage is taken too lightly
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Post by bostonmama on May 14, 2016 22:01:19 GMT
Again, I'm old fashioned. If you need to move in with someone to see if the relationship will work, then maybe it already doesn't have the makings of a successful marriage. I think there is something to be said for waiting until after the marriage.
That said, I think it makes a lot of financial sense to cohabitate pre-wedding. Getting financials in order, figuring out how to budget your lives, share expenses, etc is a great skill to develop for a successful marriage.
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Post by refugeepea on May 14, 2016 22:01:30 GMT
I don't care how it happens. I just hope they wait a long time to have kids. My family, on the other hand would shit their pants!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 22:23:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 14, 2016 22:05:15 GMT
M'eh - I don't really care as long as they don't get too entangled financially without protection (meaning separate accounts, etc). If my kids decide to live with a serious girlfriend, I'm ok with that. I would encourage them to make sure they are in it for the long haul or make sure protection (sex) is being used if they don't foresee themselves having children with this girl.
I can't tell them not to live with someone because I've lived with DH before we got married. I lived with an ex-fiancee before we broke up. Ex is living with his GF of 6 years now.
I don't want them to go through what my ex (their dad) did with his previous house and an ex-gf of his. She took his money, saying she was paying the bills that were in his name, didn't pay his bills for several months and then took that money, just about all of his belongings and hers, and moved out one day while he was at work. He came home to one day from work to an empty house and a couple shut off notices on the table. I hope to use that situation as a tale of caution before they decide to move in with someone.
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Post by leannec on May 14, 2016 22:09:31 GMT
I think that everyone should live with their partner first ... you really need to know someone before committing to marriage ... I lived with a guy for a year and a half before we broke up ... just wasn't meant to be ... Lived with dh for about two years before we got married and we've been married for 18 years We had dd#1 a year after being married
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Post by bc2ca on May 14, 2016 22:11:51 GMT
I think it is more likely than not that my kids will live with a partner before marriage. Three of their oldest cousins have already. Two of them went on to marry their partners and the third broke up with hers after about a year.
One of my sisters has never married, but had 3 kids with her first long-term partner (they were together about 14 years). She and her current partner aren't married either. Canada recognizes common law relationships so there was never any legal advantages to marriage.
I really just hope my kids experience loving, healthy relationships.
ETA For full disclosure, I was 35 when DH & I married. He would have been fine living together but I wasn't interested. He was the only guy I'd ever wanted to have kids with and I wanted to be married first. For me, the commitment of marriage was important.
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,708
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on May 14, 2016 22:13:09 GMT
Because of the distance, ds & now ddil were married before they lived together. She was given a date of when her transfer would be available (big company) and they planned their wedding around this date.
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Post by Zee on May 14, 2016 22:14:33 GMT
I fervently wish my DD would move out with her boyfriend so I can clean up that pig sty of a room and use it for crafts. The sooner, the better.
Marriage is not important to me at all, especially the older I get. I sort of see it as a pointless expense but that's because I'm old and jaded, lol. DH and I lived together for 6 years before we were married, and our daughter was 9 months old when we got married. Our 21st anniversary is in just a couple weeks.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 22:23:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 14, 2016 22:16:22 GMT
I used to have a religious objection to living together without being married but I don't any more. I did encourage my kids to either get married or move on and not stay in a long term unmarried live together relationship because marriage does provide some legal protections and benefits the unwed don't have. I especially wouldn't want a young woman to let her career stall (or not develop one) so the man can advance his because if they do split in 5,10,15 years she will be at a major disadvantage. With a divorce, in most states, she can get part of the accumulated assets. When women split from a live in relationship the law doesn't award them any of the "community property" She may have left her career assuming she would be able to have access to his pension because she helped him in his career. I am "pro marriage" for the legal benefits it gives to women.
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Post by epeanymous on May 14, 2016 22:17:20 GMT
DH and I lived together before we were married. I assume my kids will as well. I know very few people IRL my age who didn't.
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tuesdaysgone
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,832
Jun 26, 2014 18:26:03 GMT
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Post by tuesdaysgone on May 14, 2016 22:18:47 GMT
DH and I lived together for 2 years before we got married. It was excellent for us and I feel it made our marriage stronger. We didn't go thru any anxiety or stress in the early years of our marriage.
If it doesn't fit with your for moral or religious reasons, don't do it. Every couple is different.
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Post by padresfan619 on May 14, 2016 22:20:05 GMT
I lived with my husband before we got married, I wouldn't do it any other way. My mom and dad lived together before they got married, even if my mom wasn't willing to admit it until after both of her parents were gone.
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Post by hop2 on May 14, 2016 22:25:10 GMT
My Children can live thier own life. So I guess that puts me on the 'don't care' bench.
I actually think it's a good thing to find out if your a stable 'couple' and can peacefully co-habitate prior to having children. Compatibility changes when you live with someone. Married or not won't matter. The 'piece of paper' that I was brainwashed into waitng for doesn't make a committed couple.
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Post by Merge on May 14, 2016 22:29:51 GMT
I will encourage my kids to live with anyone they're considering marrying and/or having kids with. I'll also encourage them to wait to marry and/or have kids until a bit later in life than I did. But ultimately what they do is up to them.
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Post by jeremysgirl on May 14, 2016 22:30:27 GMT
I did not live with my first husband before marriage and I wish I had. I lived with my second husband before we got married and I think I knew better what I was getting in to. I think marriage is important. I don't think it's just a piece of paper. I would not just live with someone indefinitely. I think marriage affords a lot legal protections as well. I would not have a problem with my kids living with someone. But I do hope they make a marital commitment at some point and preferably before having children. I think kids should have that stability. With that said I saw a friend really get screwed over by her long term boyfriend over a joint house they owned. So I think you really need to protect yourself financially.
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Post by myshelly on May 14, 2016 22:30:32 GMT
I hope my children live with their significant other before marriage. I think it's good to learn how to split household duties, compromise on style and habits, and make a household budget before marriage.
I sincerely hope my children are NOT virgins when they get married. I see no advantage to that whatsoever and on the contrary find it detrimental to healthy relationships.
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Post by Linda on May 14, 2016 22:31:53 GMT
I care in the sense that I would prefer that they marry first, especially before having children, and we've talked about WHY I feel that way even though it's not what their father and I did (I was pregnant with our 2nd child when we married).
I don't care in the sense that I would rather emulate my MIL (who embraced me and my oldest with open arms) than my mother (who didn't talk to my DH for years, to the point that if he answered the phone she would hang up). I love my children and ultimately I'll continue to love them whether they make what I consider to be good choices or not - I've made my share of poor choices so I would be a hypocrite at best to look down on them if they do as well.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 22:23:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 14, 2016 22:38:46 GMT
I wouldn't mind if they decided to live with their SO before getting married. Dh and I lived together before we got married, so can't say much about it...LOL.
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Post by boatymcboatface on May 14, 2016 22:54:18 GMT
Like I said in the other thread I am a bit of a traditionalist. But my kids are their own independent people and make their own decisions and I will always tell them that they have their freedom and I will always love them and celebrate their happiness. But they know what I believe and why.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,613
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on May 14, 2016 22:57:04 GMT
My oldest and her boyfriend live together. She pays her own rent - how could I, even if I opposed it, stop it? Other than alienating my child and the person she loves (and who we like a lot), what purpose would it serve to tell her I disapprove (which I don't.)
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Post by hop2 on May 14, 2016 23:03:26 GMT
I never really laid the whole 'wait' thing on my kids. Their lives, their bodies do what they feel is right for them. The only thing I did try to instill in them was to think long and hard and really really know a person before having children with them. Because married or not, divorced what ever once you have children with someone you will have a connection with that person FOREVER. So if I encouraged them to do anything it's connected with having children. Not on cohabitating or marriage or sex or anything.
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RosieKat
Drama Llama
PeaJect #12
Posts: 5,398
Jun 25, 2014 19:28:04 GMT
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Post by RosieKat on May 14, 2016 23:12:42 GMT
Same thing here for me. I don't want them to do it, and I will discourage it, but I'll still love 'em if they do. I will also concede that I think I feel differently about people who "just" decide to move in together vs. getting engaged and then moving in together. I know that's probably a somewhat arbitrary thing, but it's still honestly how I feel.
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milocat
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Location: 55 degrees north in Alberta, Canada
Member is Online
Mar 18, 2015 4:10:31 GMT
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Post by milocat on May 14, 2016 23:20:07 GMT
I've been married for 18 years and we lived together before we got married so I am not opposed to my girls living with someone. I will encourage it (when they are old enough) they will learn a lot about their relationship dynamic that they couldn't if they didn't live together.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on May 14, 2016 23:20:21 GMT
I hope my kids give that car a full test drive over as many roads as possible before marriage, children and creating any sort of financial/legal ties.
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Post by AussieMeg on May 14, 2016 23:21:18 GMT
I have actually said to my daughter that she should not get married, just live with her partner and spend the money on something far more important than a wedding. I am as far from traditional as you could possibly get, and it horrifies me the amount of money that people waste on weddings. And yes, I totally see it as a complete waste, hence the reason I never got married. My other suggestion to her was to elope to Hawaii. I think she's pretty keen on having the whole big shebang though.
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Post by peano on May 14, 2016 23:27:19 GMT
Since DH and I lived together and bought a house together before we got married, I could hardly tell DS he shouldn't if that's what he wants to do. We were almost 40 when this happened. I do hope DS decides to experience life a little before settling down.
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Post by gmcwife1 on May 14, 2016 23:30:39 GMT
My Children can live thier own life. So I guess that puts me on the 'don't care' bench. I actually think it's a good thing to find out if your a stable 'couple' and can peacefully co-habitate prior to having children. Compatibility changes when you live with someone. Married or not won't matter. The 'piece of paper' that I was brainwashed into waitng for doesn't make a committed couple. I agree, I want them to do what they feel is best for them. My 34 yr old dh has been living with his girlfriend of seven years for five or six years. My 26 yr old dd has been living with her boyfriend for as long as they have dated. They were roommates in a house of five before they started dating. Neither of my kids have children except for the step children my ds has been helping raise.
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