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Post by shaniam on May 15, 2016 13:28:49 GMT
I lived with a different guy before I met my husband. I am so glad I lived with him before I married him. He turned out to be violent and abusive. My oldest son lived with a girlfriend. I'm glad he didn't marry her first. She turned out to be controlling and mean (pushed him through a glass door). I don't really like the idea of living together, but it was beneficial in both of those situations.
I do think if you are going to have children together and are planning on staying together, you get married. Unless you are working the system to get free government aid but that's another topic. (Said with sarcasm)
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Post by boatymcboatface on May 15, 2016 13:38:40 GMT
Dh and I knew each other for 21 months and were engaged for 15 of them before we married. Maybe we were unusual, but adjusting to married life was a breeze. I don't believe that the only way to know someone is to live together first. Cohabitation does not improve successful marriage rates, and studies show it makes marriages less successful (one done by Brown University, 2007). I won't tell my children whether they can or can't live together. As adults, the choice is theirs. I will give them my advice and back it up with research evidence. Because I care and want the best for them. As a child of divorce, my views are strong in that many divorces are preventable and couples need to take marriage preparation seriously. If they spent the necessary time preparing for a successful marriage, they would decrease their chances of divorce. I was at a funeral yesterday for a woman married 66 years. She was 20 and he was 21 when they married. He called her his bride. They had a strong love that didn't require premarital cohabitation. I aspire to 66 years of marriage. I want someone to stand up at our funerals and talk about what good and faithful spouses we were. I want that for my kids too. My hope is that they don't go into marriage considering how hard it is to get out of it because I want them to behave as if divorce is not an option for them. thsts how you get 66 years of marriage, living together or sex before marriage is not the key, commitment o the long term is the key. I tell all my kids that you would be amazed what commitment to the long term will do for you when you are in a tough spot in marriage. When it gets down to it you can live together or not, have sex before marriage or not, but that kind of commitment is not the same as the optimism of young love, it is the thing that keeps you focused when things aren't great. No one ever has a perfect marriage 100% of tie time, if they say they do they lying. You don't get 66 yrs wthout some hard times. What you do to get through it is what makes the difference not whether you had sex first. |
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pridemom
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by pridemom on May 15, 2016 13:42:30 GMT
Cohabitation does not improve successful marriage rates From what I've seen irl and read here, marriage doesn't improve successful marriage rates either. I know people who have lived together for years and never felt the need to get married, their relationships are strong, they have a strong love for each other. I find it extremely maddening to suggest that only 'marriage' offers those things. It doesn't. You didn't quote the full sentence. And I didn't suggest that only marriage offers strong relationships. But for couples who intend on marriage, cohabitation increases divorce rates. That data has been around for decades and was covered in my psych classes in the 90's. Of course, there are those who are successful with cohabitation and without a marriage certificate, but the topic is cohabitation before marriage. |
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rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by rickmer on May 15, 2016 13:49:53 GMT
i lived with DH for almost 9 yrs before marriage, we got together very young. i was 19 when we met and moved in together just after i turned 21.
we have been together for 26 years. i cannot imagine we would have lasted if we dated for a year, got engaged for a year and then were married when i was 21. at such a young age, i think rough times would have scared the crap out of me that "this is the rest of my life" and i would have been divorced by 25.
but to answer OP, i would have no issues with my kids living with their partner pre-marriage... or deciding not to marry. their lives to live... not mine.
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Post by lisacharlotte on May 15, 2016 14:40:25 GMT
I don't think living together is wrong. I do think everyone should live on their own independently before living together. I think dependency (usually financial) is what keeps bad relationships and marriages going much longer than necessary.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
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Post by luvnlifelady on May 15, 2016 18:06:33 GMT
I don't think living together is wrong. I do think everyone should live on their own independently before living together. I think dependency (usually financial) is what keeps bad relationships and marriages going much longer than necessary. I agree. I didn't and wish I had. DH lived in the dorms at college for 2 years and then had roommates so he's much more able to adapt to things and stuff doesn't ruffle his feathers like it does mine. I should have lived on my own before getting married. |
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Post by bc2ca on May 15, 2016 18:21:31 GMT
I don't think living together is wrong. I do think everyone should live on their own independently before living together. I think dependency (usually financial) is what keeps bad relationships and marriages going much longer than necessary.  I think everyone should experience having to pay their bills, do laundry, clean a house, take out the garbage, buy groceries, etc., before living with another person ETA in a romantic relationship. Nonromantic roommates allowed. |
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Post by auntkelly on May 15, 2016 19:11:32 GMT
I'd prefer my kids not live w/ their boyfriend/girlfriend before they marry, but they are adults and they'll have to decide for themselves how they feel about it. They know how I feel about it because we talked about it when they were growing up, but they also know that I wouldn't let something like that interfere with my relationship with them. I wouldn't share my opinion about it now that they are adults unless they asked.
I hope I've taught them that adults can disagree on these types of things and it's all good as long as everyone is respectful to each other.
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Post by Zee on May 15, 2016 19:11:50 GMT
From what I've seen irl and read here, marriage doesn't improve successful marriage rates either. I know people who have lived together for years and never felt the need to get married, their relationships are strong, they have a strong love for each other. I find it extremely maddening to suggest that only 'marriage' offers those things. It doesn't. You didn't quote the full sentence. And I didn't suggest that only marriage offers strong relationships. But for couples who intend on marriage, cohabitation increases divorce rates. That data has been around for decades and was covered in my psych classes in the 90's. Of course, there are those who are successful with cohabitation and without a marriage certificate, but the topic is cohabitation before marriage. You also have to consider that those who won't cohabitate before marriage are probably traditionalists who are looking at marriage as a religious institution where divorce is not a option for the most part. Those who do live together first probably don't have the same views. That's why you'll see a higher divorce rate with cohabitation, not because living together first harms the chances of it working but because you're dealing with a different type of belief system. And that was also covered in my psych class in the 90s. If you want it to work and be a long term thing and so does your spouse, then it will, regardless of premarital living arrangements. |
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Post by Zee on May 15, 2016 19:14:47 GMT
I don't think living together is wrong. I do think everyone should live on their own independently before living together. I think dependency (usually financial) is what keeps bad relationships and marriages going much longer than necessary. I think everyone should experience having to pay their bills, do laundry, clean a house, take out the garbage, buy groceries, etc., before living with another person. Practically impossible nowadays for young people in some areas unless they stay at home until graduating college and landing a good job. |
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Post by padresfan619 on May 15, 2016 19:16:21 GMT
I don't think living together is wrong. I do think everyone should live on their own independently before living together. I think dependency (usually financial) is what keeps bad relationships and marriages going much longer than necessary. I think everyone should experience having to pay their bills, do laundry, clean a house, take out the garbage, buy groceries, etc., before living with another person. Does that include roommates? Because both my husband and I lived with roommates before we moved in together. If I waited to move out until I could afford to live on my income alone in San Diego I would still be living with my parents. |
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,375
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Post by cycworker on May 15, 2016 21:21:21 GMT
What do you mean by had a cow? Cos it's not really your place to throw a tantrum if two adults want to have a child without getting married first. Had you been my sister having a cow over such a thing I would have very firmly put you back in your place and completely distanced myself from you.
I lived with my husband for several years before we got married, no big deal to either of our parents. We got engaged about five minutes after we met but I was never interested in the whole wedding thing so we put it off. I was a big 'test driver' before I met my now husband, I wouldn't dream of telling anyone to wait for their wedding night. That was my reaction on reading the post too. If my DH's sister thought it was her place to comment on when, if and how I decided to reproduce a child she would have had a quick lesson in mind your own business. The divorce figures would suggest the a marriage license is not an ironclad guarantee of happy everafter. It would have been an internal meltdown. I wouldn't have said anything publicly, but I've have been concerned & upset. I admit it - I'm old fashioned. There's an order for things. Marriage then children. |
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Post by 950nancy on May 15, 2016 21:26:48 GMT
We don't really care either way. Both sets of grandparents is a different story, lol. That being said in our group of friends, family and acquaintances, pretty much every couple that lived together then married are divorced now. While those that didn't live together before marriage are still married. Weird but I don't think living together first necessarily means a marriage will be successful.I remember hearing a survey about that last summer. The statistics were not good for people living together before marriage. However, think of all the people that have tried it and realized it was not a great idea. In that case, it has to be good. |
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grinningcat
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Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on May 16, 2016 11:25:55 GMT
I have always thought I was a complete traditionalist. Apparently, I'm not. It didn't bother me at all that my brother & sister in law lived together before they got married. Now, that said, I knew he never would have moved in with her if he wasn't planning to marry her. It was really just a matter of timing; she was finishing school and her mom didn't want her to marry until she got her degree. They didn't move into together until after my brother gave her a promise ring, so everyone knew they were going to be engaged sometime soon in the future. Despite that, one of my parents was upset, to a degree. I think it was my mom, and the surprising thing there is that my dad is normally the more traditional & religious. Interestingly, my Catholic father had no complaints about anything. I would have had a cow had they deliberately had a child prior to getting married. Now, part of that, at the time, was that they were both finishing their teaching degrees. But really, who am I kidding? Even if they were done school & established, if she got pregnant prior to the wedding, I'd have been quite upset. You don't, in my world view, mess up the order of things where marriage & kids are concerned. Marriage is supposed to come before having a child. It's not your place to dictate or even "have a cow" if your brother had had a child before marriage. You need to pull that stick out of your ass and realise that the world does not revolve around your narrow viewpoint. Having a cow about a sibling's "out of order" child should cost you being completely cut out of their lives permanently for completely overstepping all appropriate boundaries. What others do is none of your business. Wake up and realise that. |
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Country Ham
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Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on May 16, 2016 12:28:01 GMT
So what do you think? How do you think you would feel about your children living with their partner pre-marriage? Or even instead of marriage? I pray they will not. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 20:50:22 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2016 12:46:48 GMT
So what do you think? How do you think you would feel about your children living with their partner pre-marriage? Or even instead of marriage? I pray they will not. I'm thinking there are more peas who are opposed to sex before marriage and aren't posting on this thread because they don't want to "get into it with the hand slappers".And that's probably a good thing. I'm focused on being less judgemental right now....a goal to be more loving, graceful and forgiving of people who do not agree with me.  |
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Post by pierkiss on May 16, 2016 14:37:48 GMT
I would prefer my kids lived with their long term partner before they get married. You REALLY get to know someone when you are living with them in presumably small livin space (thinking 20s just starting out not much money). If it doesn't work out, they can "simply" breakup without the expense, drama, and heartache of a divorce. I lived with my husband for 3 years before we got married. My parents didn't like it, but it wasn't their decision. And we were able to work out a bunch of issues before we walked down the aisle. So after we were married there was no giant adjustment period full of fights you often hear about with newlyweds. It was just more of the same, with a piece of paper making it official.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on May 16, 2016 15:04:57 GMT
I can't tell my adult kids to not live with a man before they marry because I did it and I would be a hypocrite if I did that. would I like to see them marry? Yes I would.. But I will not force them to do something they do not want to do.
I had to get marry when I was 18 because his mom was against us living together. our married life lasted 6 months. and I left because her was abusive. I had to hide from him for 2 1/2 years before I could get a divorce from him.
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Post by femalebusiness on May 16, 2016 15:06:22 GMT
I am a big proponent of pre-marital sex and living together. I think that is smart, not to mention fun. However, I believe if you can't commit to marriage with a person then you shouldn't breed with them. People who have children before they are married aren't ready to have children and the commitment it takes to ge a good parent. They are not thinking about the chid, only about themselves. Not a popular opinion these days but I'm sticking to it.
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mimima
Drama Llama
Stay Gold, Ponyboy
Posts: 5,019
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Post by mimima on May 16, 2016 15:15:01 GMT
I'm giggling at this typo, I'm assuming it is actually your son and not your husband 
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schizo319
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by schizo319 on May 16, 2016 15:15:09 GMT
I don't have kids, but considering that DH and I lived together for 2 years prior to marriage (and dated for 6 years prior to that), I doubt I'd have issues with it. Like many of the peas who answered before me, I think it's actually wise to live with someone before making the commitment to be married.
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Post by miominmio on May 16, 2016 15:28:18 GMT
I am a big proponent of pre-marital sex and living together. I think that is smart, not to mention fun. However, I believe if you can't commit to marriage with a person then you shouldn't breed with them. People who have children before they are married aren't ready to have children and the commitment it takes to ge a good parent. They are not thinking about the chid, only about themselves. Not a popular opinion these days but I'm sticking to it. I know people who have been living together for decades and who have kids together....how can you say they are only thinking about themselves? I just can't understand your reasoning. |
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Post by Jamie on May 16, 2016 15:29:03 GMT
DH and I lived together before getting married. I had moved into my first apt in April. He was always there and at that time didn't have a car and his job was 2 blocks from my place, so he was there all the time anyway. When it came time to renew my lease the next April he just moved in with me. It was 3.5 yrs later before we got married and will be 12 years next month. I highly suggest you live with someone before marriage. Although some things backfired on me He always used to take his clothes right out of the dryer and hang them up, dishes, etc. Now it's like pulling teeth sometimes to get him to do this stuff. |
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Deleted
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May 17, 2024 20:50:22 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2016 15:35:35 GMT
I am a big proponent of pre-marital sex and living together. I think that is smart, not to mention fun. However, I believe if you can't commit to marriage with a person then you shouldn't breed with them. People who have children before they are married aren't ready to have children and the commitment it takes to ge a good parent. They are not thinking about the chid, only about themselves. Not a popular opinion these days but I'm sticking to it. I know people who have been living together for decades and who have kids together....how can you say they are only thinking about themselves? I just can't understand your reasoning. I have a friend who has been with her partner for 18 years, they have two small children and are excellent parents. They certainly do have commitment to each other and to their children. I don't get the reasoning either. Also as a big proponent of pre marital sex, accidents happen, what do you propose they do in that case? |
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Post by lucyg on May 16, 2016 16:05:45 GMT
I see zero value in marriage. I hope my kids never do. Considering that I am living comfortably on my late DH's pension and social security, neither of which I'd be entitled to if we hadn't been legally married when he died, I see great value in marriage. And that's aside from the fact that getting married makes an enduring legal and very public statement about a couple's commitment to each other. |
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Post by lucyg on May 16, 2016 16:11:41 GMT
I'm thinking there are more peas who are opposed to sex before marriage and aren't posting on this thread because they don't want to "get into it with the hand slappers".And that's probably a good thing. I'm focused on being less judgemental right now....a goal to be more loving, graceful and forgiving of people who do not agree with me. I think living together before marriage is a good idea, but I understand that others have religious or other beliefs that disagree. No one should worry about posting their views ... I can't see this as a pea attack topic. |
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Post by boatymcboatface on May 16, 2016 16:38:53 GMT
I'm thinking there are more peas who are opposed to sex before marriage and aren't posting on this thread because they don't want to "get into it with the hand slappers".And that's probably a good thing. I'm focused on being less judgemental right now....a goal to be more loving, graceful and forgiving of people who do not agree with me. View AttachmentThe thing is though that even if I would prefer that my kids wait for marriage to have sex and also not live together before marriage I don't think anyone else is wrong or bad. Sometimes that opinion gets painted as being against sexuality or uptight or old dusty religious type and that isn't how I believe. i try not to be judgy too and I like your thought process. People are all different and I accept that but I do believe and did teach my kids this way, what I believe and why so that they know but if they choose something different that is their right, one of mine is gay and we accept that too. Different is not bad, it is just different so we talk about making choices and why you would make whatever choice you make. I don't want them to do what everybody else does just because everybody else does it, I want them to make heathy choices for themselves on their own terms. What other families teach their kids isn't my business and I don't want to change what they believe, this is just what I taught in my family. |
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Post by ilikepink on May 16, 2016 16:41:19 GMT
Marriage #1-did not live together - his strong religious beliefs, my old fashioned grandfather were the main reasons. Marriage did not last. Marriage #2-did not live together - primarily because my boys were young, and he was concerned about what was being shown to them. Marriage did not last. Will never get married again, and someone please kick the crap out of me if I decide to live with someone.
DS#1 - lived with (crazy) girl#1 before short marriage. Divorced. Lived with (crazy) girl#2. Thankfully got out of that one safely. DS#2 lived with (normal) girl, but only after dating short time. Broke up after living together for 4 months; had to continue to share apartment because neither one could afford it alone. Lesson learned. DS#3 has been with now fiance for 9 years. I thought they would move in together right after college, but they felt they needed independent time (which they did). Did move in together after roommate dramas. Got engaged after he moved in. Getting married next summer. I think they did this the right way, for the right reasons, and will bet the farm on the success of their marriage.
I don't think there's any right/wrong way to do it - what works out for both people should be best for them. But a test for Crazy should be implemented somehow.
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Dalai Mama
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La Pea Boheme
Posts: 6,985
Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on May 16, 2016 16:54:36 GMT
I am a big proponent of pre-marital sex and living together. I think that is smart, not to mention fun. However, I believe if you can't commit to marriage with a person then you shouldn't breed with them. People who have children before they are married aren't ready to have children and the commitment it takes to ge a good parent. They are not thinking about the chid, only about themselves. Not a popular opinion these days but I'm sticking to it. Marriage isn't the pinnacle of commitment - I know married couples who lasted only a year and unmarried couples who have been together for over 40 years. |
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Post by femalebusiness on May 16, 2016 17:17:07 GMT
I am a big proponent of pre-marital sex and living together. I think that is smart, not to mention fun. However, I believe if you can't commit to marriage with a person then you shouldn't breed with them. People who have children before they are married aren't ready to have children and the commitment it takes to ge a good parent. They are not thinking about the chid, only about themselves. Not a popular opinion these days but I'm sticking to it. I know people who have been living together for decades and who have kids together....how can you say they are only thinking about themselves? I just can't understand your reasoning. The the single most important decision in life is to bring new life into the world. If you can't commit legally to the person you are conceiving with, why on earth would you have children with them? They aren't good enough for you to want to be tied to them legally but they are good enough to be the father of your children? I totally get that there are exceptions to this and I also get that most people don't feel the way I do. |
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I think everyone should experience having to pay their bills, do laundry, clean a house, take out the garbage, buy groceries, etc., before living with another person ETA in a romantic relationship. Nonromantic roommates allowed.
