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Post by bostonmama on May 14, 2016 23:34:37 GMT
I wouldn't tell my children not to, but my DH and I didn't live together before we married. We've been married almost 20 years, and any issues we had early in our marriage weren't directly related to living together for the first time.
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Post by lucyg on May 14, 2016 23:45:23 GMT
Both of my kids (early 30s) live with their SOs, and late DH and I lived together before getting married. All of my siblings lived with their spouses before getting married, and my dad and stepmom lived together several years before the wedding. My mom lived with my stepdad for 19 years before they finally got hitched. Living together first is the norm for my family, and I think it shows good sense. Natch. ha ha I do think it's nice to be married when the kids come along, but clearly you don't always get what you want in this world.
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Post by 950nancy on May 14, 2016 23:49:54 GMT
I waited until I was married for sex and to live together. We've been married 29 years. My sons can do what they want and they have my blessing. I would hope they they put off having kids until they know if they are in a stable relationship.
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
Jun 25, 2014 21:53:42 GMT
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on May 15, 2016 0:06:08 GMT
I think people should live together before marriage. I don't care how well you *think* you may know your partner it's a whole different ball game when you're living with the person 24/7 IMO.
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Post by seikashaven on May 15, 2016 0:24:00 GMT
I did not live with my DH prior to marriage. We were super young when we started dating and I wasn't going to move out from my parents home and in with a partner. I wanted to travel and live on my own and be independent before setting up a life with someone else. It was absolutely a good choice for me.
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Post by melanell on May 15, 2016 0:35:23 GMT
As adults, I just want my kids to be happy & healthy and to do their best not to hurt others.
If they find someone that makes them happy and whom they make happy, I don't care if they marry them or not. That's entirely up to them.
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valleyview
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,816
Jun 27, 2014 18:41:26 GMT
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Post by valleyview on May 15, 2016 1:09:12 GMT
I never really laid the whole 'wait' thing on my kids. Their lives, their bodies do what they feel is right for them. The only thing I did try to instill in them was to think long and hard and really really know a person before having children with them. Because married or not, divorced what ever once you have children with someone you will have a connection with that person FOREVER. So if I encouraged them to do anything it's connected with having children. Not on cohabitating or marriage or sex or anything. This is pretty much how I was when my sons were dating and living with DILs. I also explained that it was their responsibility to handle trick questions from grandparents. I had not really considered them living with someone, but I did know about sleepovers. Truthfully, I loved my kids too much to alienate them over living arrangements.
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Post by walkerdill on May 15, 2016 1:22:45 GMT
Well I have lived with my kids father for the last 16 years without being married. So i couldnt judge but I honestly wouldn't have a problem if my kids lived with a boyfriend\girlfriend before marriage.
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Post by *leslie* on May 15, 2016 2:50:46 GMT
We don't really care either way. Both sets of grandparents is a different story, lol.
That being said in our group of friends, family and acquaintances, pretty much every couple that lived together then married are divorced now. While those that didn't live together before marriage are still married. Weird but I don't think living together first necessarily means a marriage will be successful.
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on May 15, 2016 3:44:00 GMT
DH lived together for 8 months leading up tomorrow wedding. And we lied to my parents about it even though we were paying our own bills and for our own wedding because I didn't want to deal with what would have amounted to relentless lectures and judgments. They relaxed so much more with my younger siblings but back then they were a different story.
I refuse to do that to my kids.
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Post by CarolT on May 15, 2016 3:50:46 GMT
My son lives with his girlfriend... and my mother lives with her boyfriend It doesn't bother in the least, in either case!
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breetheflea
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,918
Location: PNW
Jul 20, 2014 21:57:23 GMT
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Post by breetheflea on May 15, 2016 3:53:47 GMT
I did not live with DH pre-marriage and wish I had... we went from dorm living to apartment living which came with a lot more chores which I quickly found out DH wasn't interested in doing. I think the entire first year of our marriage was spent arguing about whose turn it was to do the dishes...
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AllieC
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,057
Jul 4, 2014 6:57:02 GMT
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Post by AllieC on May 15, 2016 4:08:12 GMT
I lived with my DH for 2 years before we got married. It is our 20th anniversary this year.
We have a nearly 19 year old daughter and I will not be unhappy at all if she decides to do the same, in fact I will encourage it. I certainly haven't preached waiting until she is married to have sex and she has just now gotten her first serous boyfriend and we have talked about sex and protection etc. each to their own but I wouldn't consider marrying someone I hadn't been intimate with.
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 15, 2016 4:45:53 GMT
DH and I lived together before we were married, but we were engaged at the time. I wouldn't have a problem with my DD living with someone she was committed to before marrying but I would hope that she is married and living a stable lifestyle before having any children. There are so many challenges in those first few years anyway and it's just easier to navigate them before you throw kids and the added challenges they bring into the mix.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,375
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on May 15, 2016 6:56:39 GMT
I have always thought I was a complete traditionalist. Apparently, I'm not. It didn't bother me at all that my brother & sister in law lived together before they got married. Now, that said, I knew he never would have moved in with her if he wasn't planning to marry her. It was really just a matter of timing; she was finishing school and her mom didn't want her to marry until she got her degree. They didn't move into together until after my brother gave her a promise ring, so everyone knew they were going to be engaged sometime soon in the future. Despite that, one of my parents was upset, to a degree. I think it was my mom, and the surprising thing there is that my dad is normally the more traditional & religious.
Interestingly, my Catholic father had no complaints about anything.
I would have had a cow had they deliberately had a child prior to getting married. Now, part of that, at the time, was that they were both finishing their teaching degrees. But really, who am I kidding? Even if they were done school & established, if she got pregnant prior to the wedding, I'd have been quite upset. You don't, in my world view, mess up the order of things where marriage & kids are concerned. Marriage is supposed to come before having a child.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on May 15, 2016 7:03:10 GMT
I will say that DH and I didn't live together first. However, we were intimate before that. I still feel like it was the right choice, but I should've had roommates and/or lived alone before marriage. I went straight from my parents' house to his. I should've learned to live on my own first.
That being said, DD is 19 and I wouldn't be thrilled if she lived with a guy, but I'd eventually learn to live with it. I would not want it to be instead of marriage though. I'm still old-fashioned in that I think marriage should come before children.
Same for DS (almost 16).
ETA: I am 1 of 5 kids in my family. 4 married and the two that lived together prior to marriage are now divorced. The other two are not.
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theshyone
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,411
Jun 26, 2014 12:50:12 GMT
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Post by theshyone on May 15, 2016 7:09:17 GMT
I see zero value in marriage. I hope my kids never do.
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Post by gar on May 15, 2016 7:38:10 GMT
So apart from cyworker, virtually the whole of the Pea community is in favour of pre-marital cohabitation and sex! Not what I expected somehow
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Post by miominmio on May 15, 2016 9:11:56 GMT
It's for my kids to decide for themselves (although I hope they will live together with their partner for at least a year or two before getting married). The only thing we have told them, is that there is no way we are paying for anything should they decide to get married in a church. Humanist wedding, or preferably an åsatru wedding, yes we would help pay for that, but in a church? No way!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 20:39:38 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2016 9:45:59 GMT
I would have had a cow had they deliberately had a child prior to getting married. Now, part of that, at the time, was that they were both finishing their teaching degrees. But really, who am I kidding? Even if they were done school & established, if she got pregnant prior to the wedding, I'd have been quite upset. You don't, in my world view, mess up the order of things where marriage & kids are concerned. Marriage is supposed to come before having a child. What do you mean by had a cow? Cos it's not really your place to throw a tantrum if two adults want to have a child without getting married first. Had you been my sister having a cow over such a thing I would have very firmly put you back in your place and completely distanced myself from you. I lived with my husband for several years before we got married, no big deal to either of our parents. We got engaged about five minutes after we met but I was never interested in the whole wedding thing so we put it off. I was a big 'test driver' before I met my now husband, I wouldn't dream of telling anyone to wait for their wedding night.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,769
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on May 15, 2016 10:27:04 GMT
I would have had a cow had they deliberately had a child prior to getting married. Now, part of that, at the time, was that they were both finishing their teaching degrees. But really, who am I kidding? Even if they were done school & established, if she got pregnant prior to the wedding, I'd have been quite upset. You don't, in my world view, mess up the order of things where marriage & kids are concerned. Marriage is supposed to come before having a child. What do you mean by had a cow? Cos it's not really your place to throw a tantrum if two adults want to have a child without getting married first. Had you been my sister having a cow over such a thing I would have very firmly put you back in your place and completely distanced myself from you.
I lived with my husband for several years before we got married, no big deal to either of our parents. We got engaged about five minutes after we met but I was never interested in the whole wedding thing so we put it off. I was a big 'test driver' before I met my now husband, I wouldn't dream of telling anyone to wait for their wedding night. That was my reaction on reading the post too. If my DH's sister thought it was her place to comment on when, if and how I decided to reproduce a child she would have had a quick lesson in mind your own business. The divorce figures would suggest the a marriage license is not an ironclad guarantee of happy everafter.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on May 15, 2016 10:41:33 GMT
I'd be surprised if they didn't in this day and age. My Mother is still very old fashioned and there was quite a strain when my sister lived with her boyfriend in the late 90's.
My only hope is that my kids don't rush into living with someone they barely know, which I see happening a bit with some of their friends.
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Post by gar on May 15, 2016 10:48:50 GMT
What do you mean by had a cow? Cos it's not really your place to throw a tantrum if two adults want to have a child without getting married first. Had you been my sister having a cow over such a thing I would have very firmly put you back in your place and completely distanced myself from you.
I lived with my husband for several years before we got married, no big deal to either of our parents. We got engaged about five minutes after we met but I was never interested in the whole wedding thing so we put it off. I was a big 'test driver' before I met my now husband, I wouldn't dream of telling anyone to wait for their wedding night. That was my reaction on reading the post too. If my DH's sister thought it was her place to comment on when, if and how I decided to reproduce a child she would have had a quick lesson in mind your own business. The divorce figures would suggest the a marriage license is not an ironclad guarantee of happy everafter. I thought Cyworker's thoughts and views on family, their roles and responsibilities etc were pretty well known and the fact that they aren't perhaps in line with the majority here.
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Dalai Mama
Drama Llama
La Pea Boheme
Posts: 6,985
Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on May 15, 2016 12:04:48 GMT
I'll not only be okay with it, I will encourage it. There are idiosyncrasies in everyone's personality that don't always make themselves known before cohabitation and I would prefer my kids go into marriage with as much information as possible.
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Post by anxiousmom on May 15, 2016 12:26:01 GMT
So apart from cyworker, virtually the whole of the Pea community is in favour of pre-marital cohabitation and sex! Not what I expected somehow Me either! I expected more of a mix of opinions. Part of the reason I asked was the other thread about the order of marriage and baby, but the other was I remembered that my son and I were talking about his living arrangements for college in the fall. He and his girlfriend of 2 1/2 years have apparently planned it all out-they are going to live in a dorm for the first year and then the second year they plan on getting an apartment and live together for the rest of the time. He was giving me a bit of a look when he said that, like he wasn't sure how I would respond and was a bit relieved when I told him that I didn't have a problem with them living together. He didn't realize that he dad and I lived together for a couple of years before we got married (while we were finishing up school) and I would be an awful big hypocrite if I said I had a problem with it.
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Post by gar on May 15, 2016 12:45:48 GMT
I would guess that some of those who strongly disapprove haven't offered their thoughts
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pridemom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,843
Jul 12, 2014 21:58:10 GMT
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Post by pridemom on May 15, 2016 12:47:23 GMT
Dh and I knew each other for 21 months and were engaged for 15 of them before we married. Maybe we were unusual, but adjusting to married life was a breeze. I don't believe that the only way to know someone is to live together first.
Cohabitation does not improve successful marriage rates, and studies show it makes marriages less successful (one done by Brown University, 2007).
I won't tell my children whether they can or can't live together. As adults, the choice is theirs. I will give them my advice and back it up with research evidence. Because I care and want the best for them. As a child of divorce, my views are strong in that many divorces are preventable and couples need to take marriage preparation seriously. If they spent the necessary time preparing for a successful marriage, they would decrease their chances of divorce.
I was at a funeral yesterday for a woman married 66 years. She was 20 and he was 21 when they married. He called her his bride. They had a strong love that didn't require premarital cohabitation.
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Post by anxiousmom on May 15, 2016 12:48:21 GMT
I would guess that some of those who strongly disapprove haven't offered their thoughts You are probably right, too bad though...I like to hear them.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 20:39:38 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2016 13:01:35 GMT
Cohabitation does not improve successful marriage rates From what I've seen irl and read here, marriage doesn't improve successful marriage rates either. I know people who have lived together for years and never felt the need to get married, their relationships are strong, they have a strong love for each other. I find it extremely maddening to suggest that only 'marriage' offers those things. It doesn't.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on May 15, 2016 13:15:20 GMT
So what do you think? How do you think you would feel about your children living with their partner pre-marriage? Or even instead of marriage? I definitely want my kids to live with their partner before marriage. And I'm fine if they live with someone and never get married. Even if they have kids. Marriage is a huge legal commitment. Takes three days to get into (time it takes to get a license. And $35 dollars). Can take years (and thousands of dollars) to wrangle yourself out of. I feel it is extremely important to really know your partner before marrying them. How can you really know someone if you haven't lived with them? It is very easy to hide serious flaws if you haven't spent much 24/7 time together. Better to know it all before becoming legally tangled up with someone. But I have no moral issue at all with premarital sex, or living together before marriage.
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