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Post by femalebusiness on May 16, 2016 17:18:00 GMT
I know people who have been living together for decades and who have kids together....how can you say they are only thinking about themselves? I just can't understand your reasoning. I have a friend who has been with her partner for 18 years, they have two small children and are excellent parents. They certainly do have commitment to each other and to their children. I don't get the reasoning either. Also as a big proponent of pre marital sex, accidents happen, what do you propose they do in that case? Get married.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 21:46:04 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2016 17:25:46 GMT
I have a friend who has been with her partner for 18 years, they have two small children and are excellent parents. They certainly do have commitment to each other and to their children. I don't get the reasoning either. Also as a big proponent of pre marital sex, accidents happen, what do you propose they do in that case? Get married. Even after a one night stand or brief fling? That sounds like a brilliant idea.
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Post by krc11 on May 16, 2016 17:32:12 GMT
My DD is an adult and makes her own choices. While her first BF she moved in with I wasn't thrilled with and as luck would have it, the co-habitation lasted about 3 weeks. I think it was a good life experience for her. She's chosen better second time around.
Oh, PS, I lived with DH pre-marriage over 30 years ago and it wasn't "new" then. I did however get the ring first.
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Post by femalebusiness on May 16, 2016 17:42:52 GMT
Even after a one night stand or brief fling? That sounds like a brilliant idea. There is a thing called birth control. A mature, responsible adult would not have a one night stand or brief fling without the pill or IUD + a condom and if they did there is the morning after pill...triple layers if you are just having fun.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,792
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on May 16, 2016 17:48:59 GMT
My belief was to not live together before marriage. You get married only once, you work through the good and the bad times. You should not run for divorce at the first sign of trouble (unless there is abuse/you are in danger). My parents, grandparents, his parents and grandparents - All still married. This is where I came from.
I followed my thoughts and beliefs, I did not live with him before marriage. I lived on my own and with roommates prior to being married. I am now divorced.
Now, for my child, I don't know how a really feel about the marriage before living together. I thought I would want him to marry before living together but now that I have been there and done that, I am not so sure. In a perfect world, I would wish that he would know better than me before he gets to that point for marriage. That he is smarter, more mature.
I live with my SO now. Do I want to get married again? No. It's a tough question to really know a black or white answer. We can say one thing, but what happens in the end is very different.
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Post by miominmio on May 16, 2016 17:59:51 GMT
I know people who have been living together for decades and who have kids together....how can you say they are only thinking about themselves? I just can't understand your reasoning. The the single most important decision in life is to bring new life into the world. If you can't commit legally to the person you are conceiving with, why on earth would you have children with them? They aren't good enough for you to want to be tied to them legally but they are good enough to be the father of your children? I totally get that there are exceptions to this and I also get that most people don't feel the way I do. I honestly don't get why one need a piece of paper to show commitment to another person. As long as the couple have decided to share their lives, that's what is important, not whether or not they are doing so before an audience. (A point of view that is actually contrary to my religion, too, btw) Where I live, there are next to none differences, legally, between a couple living together and a married couple, as long as they have kids together.
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Post by flanz on May 16, 2016 19:09:28 GMT
I have actually said to my daughter that she should not get married, just live with her partner and spend the money on something far more important than a wedding. I am as far from traditional as you could possibly get, and it horrifies me the amount of money that people waste on weddings. And yes, I totally see it as a complete waste, hence the reason I never got married. My other suggestion to her was to elope to Hawaii. I think she's pretty keen on having the whole big shebang though. I'm with you re: the crazy amounts of $ many people spend on one day. DH and I told the kids long ago that when/if the time comes that they plan to marry, we will give them x amount of money and they can choose to spend it to fund their wedding, or anything else they choose. I am 99.99% sure both of our kids would choose a simple, inexpensive wedding and to use the funds towards a downpayment on a house or other practical purchase. Getting married can be almost free... so I don't see $ as a reason not to marry.
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Post by flanz on May 16, 2016 19:10:59 GMT
My Children can live thier own life. So I guess that puts me on the 'don't care' bench. I actually think it's a good thing to find out if your a stable 'couple' and can peacefully co-habitate prior to having children. Compatibility changes when you live with someone. Married or not won't matter. The 'piece of paper' that I was brainwashed into waitng for doesn't make a committed couple. I agree, I want them to do what they feel is best for them. My 34 yr old dh has been living with his girlfriend of seven years for five or six years. My 26 yr old dd has been living with her boyfriend for as long as they have dated. They were roommates in a house of five before they started dating. Neither of my kids have children except for the step children my ds has been helping raise. "My 34 yr old dh has been living with his girlfriend of seven years for five or six years." is a very funny typo!
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Post by gmcwife1 on May 16, 2016 19:27:27 GMT
I agree, I want them to do what they feel is best for them. My 34 yr old dh has been living with his girlfriend of seven years for five or six years. My 26 yr old dd has been living with her boyfriend for as long as they have dated. They were roommates in a house of five before they started dating. Neither of my kids have children except for the step children my ds has been helping raise. "My 34 yr old dh has been living with his girlfriend of seven years for five or six years." is a very funny typo! OOPS - ok, that is pretty funny I would not say I'm THAT open to sharing
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Post by bc2ca on May 16, 2016 19:40:45 GMT
I think everyone should experience having to pay their bills, do laundry, clean a house, take out the garbage, buy groceries, etc., before living with another person. Does that include roommates? Because both my husband and I lived with roommates before we moved in together. If I waited to move out until I could afford to live on my income alone in San Diego I would still be living with my parents. Absolutely!
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Post by bc2ca on May 16, 2016 19:47:51 GMT
I think everyone should experience having to pay their bills, do laundry, clean a house, take out the garbage, buy groceries, etc., before living with another person. Practically impossible nowadays for young people in some areas unless they stay at home until graduating college and landing a good job. This hasn't been my experience even in high cost areas although, as padresfan619 pointed out, roommates are usually part of the picture.
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Post by Zee on May 16, 2016 22:22:17 GMT
Practically impossible nowadays for young people in some areas unless they stay at home until graduating college and landing a good job. This hasn't been my experience even in high cost areas although, as padresfan619 pointed out, roommates are usually part of the picture. Yeah, a roommate would be "living with another person", which your original statement precluded.
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Post by bc2ca on May 16, 2016 23:53:32 GMT
This hasn't been my experience even in high cost areas although, as padresfan619 pointed out, roommates are usually part of the picture. Yeah, a roommate would be "living with another person", which your original statement precluded. I edited my post to include nonromantic partner roommates.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,375
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on May 17, 2016 2:02:16 GMT
I have always thought I was a complete traditionalist. Apparently, I'm not. It didn't bother me at all that my brother & sister in law lived together before they got married. Now, that said, I knew he never would have moved in with her if he wasn't planning to marry her. It was really just a matter of timing; she was finishing school and her mom didn't want her to marry until she got her degree. They didn't move into together until after my brother gave her a promise ring, so everyone knew they were going to be engaged sometime soon in the future. Despite that, one of my parents was upset, to a degree. I think it was my mom, and the surprising thing there is that my dad is normally the more traditional & religious. Interestingly, my Catholic father had no complaints about anything. I would have had a cow had they deliberately had a child prior to getting married. Now, part of that, at the time, was that they were both finishing their teaching degrees. But really, who am I kidding? Even if they were done school & established, if she got pregnant prior to the wedding, I'd have been quite upset. You don't, in my world view, mess up the order of things where marriage & kids are concerned. Marriage is supposed to come before having a child. It's not your place to dictate or even "have a cow" if your brother had had a child before marriage. You need to pull that stick out of your ass and realise that the world does not revolve around your narrow viewpoint. Having a cow about a sibling's "out of order" child should cost you being completely cut out of their lives permanently for completely overstepping all appropriate boundaries. What others do is none of your business. Wake up and realise that. If you read my follow up post, you'd have seen that I do realize it's not my place to voice an opinion like that. Were I in that situation I would keep my opinion to myself.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,375
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on May 17, 2016 2:03:12 GMT
Even after a one night stand or brief fling? That sounds like a brilliant idea. There is a thing called birth control. A mature, responsible adult would not have a one night stand or brief fling without the pill or IUD + a condom and if they did there is the morning after pill...triple layers if you are just having fun. Well said, femalebusiness - I completely agree with you on this topic.
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theshyone
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,411
Jun 26, 2014 12:50:12 GMT
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Post by theshyone on May 17, 2016 4:07:16 GMT
I see zero value in marriage. I hope my kids never do. Considering that I am living comfortably on my late DH's pension and social security, neither of which I'd be entitled to if we hadn't been legally married when he died, I see great value in marriage. And that's aside from the fact that getting married makes an enduring legal and very public statement about a couple's commitment to each other. Different laws for different locations. We have been together for almost 30 years. I cannot name a single one of our friends that made that very public statement about a couples commitment to each other that are still together, that aren't divorced at least once some two or three times. We may not have committed publicly, we did commit to each other and that's what counts. People do what works for them, this has worked for us.
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