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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2016 20:43:46 GMT
I chose not to have children while all of my friends were getting pregnant. I never for three seconds regretted my decision, and all of those kids are on my Christmas list. Four of them are my godchildren. We're close.
But it came down to knowing myself. I am not good at balancing interests. What I want, I go after 100 percent, and I wanted a career in a communications field. I knew a child would not fit in with my goals, no matter how much I loved him or her. That child was going to get pawned off on my husband, my mother, my friends.
I am NOT saying that mothers with careers are short-changing their kids. I'm saying it's how my personality would have worked, and my husband recognized that focus as well and agreed.
These decisions are so personal, it's impossible to give advice. I can only offer my experience.
Good luck.
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tincin
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Post by tincin on Jul 25, 2016 20:44:25 GMT
I love my children dearly but I never wanted children. My XH talked me into them. I even made him sign a paper saying if we got divorced he had to take them. He didn't. That being said, I think if I had never had children, I would not miss them because I would not know what I was missing. Not sure if that makes sense but I could have been happy either way. Save
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GiantsFan
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Jun 27, 2014 14:44:56 GMT
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Post by GiantsFan on Jul 25, 2016 21:30:28 GMT
We don't have kids. I'm not a kid person and neither is DH. When I was in my early thirties I quit taking BC because it was making me ill. We decided if it happened it happened if it didn't that was OK, too. Well after a year or two it happened, but with complications and 28 weeks later our twins were stillborn. After the joy of adding to our family then the let down of losing them we (really me, since DH said he would do whatever I wanted) decided that that was enough. DH is older and I didn't feel it was right to make him be a dad as he was so close to retirement.
I'm glad it's just the two of us. I also know several other couples who chose not to have kids by choice. I'm planning on quitting work next year and no way would that happen if we had had kids.
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Post by M~ on Jul 25, 2016 21:32:54 GMT
I had firmly chosen not to have children, then I had about a 5 year span in my 30's where I wanted to have one (at least) then I was diagnosed with RA and that was that.
1) I focused on my career-I wanted to go to college and graduate school and I knew myself-I knew if I had a child I would put him or her first (as it should be) and I REALLY wanted a college and graduate education.
2) After I finished my studies I thought about my options-no marriage-child out of wedlock and well. I wanted to focus on my new career. So that was out. I also thought to myself-If I'm going to have a kid, I need to be financially secure. I'm close to getting there but 14 years ago the answer was NO. I didn't want a child to want for anything.
3) I was diagnosed with RA. I didn't want to run the chance of passing this disease to anyone else. I actually did discuss the possibility of having a child with the RA clinical trial nurse and it was a HUGE no. I would have been taken off the trial and well, I was doing so well that I decided it wasn't for me.
4) I had a hysterectomy-and well. I was kind of relieved/depressed about it.
5) today, if you asked me would I change anything-the answer is no. I am my grandmother's caregiver and it's exhausting. I CANNOT imagine starting from year 0 (assuming I would adopt a baby). I'm too focused on me. And, the thought of not having to take care of someone except myself is AMAZING. Just AMAZING. No more " I have to get home at a certain time." No more, "the other." It's time for ME.
I've toyed with the idea of adopting a foster child, but honestly, I'm just to selfish and well, I am really not embarrassed to say it. I don't even want to date someone who has kids.
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scrappinwithoutpeas
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Post by scrappinwithoutpeas on Jul 25, 2016 21:33:12 GMT
I agree with what others have said about it being a personal decision between the couple. I'm not commenting for myself since I have kids, but has your niece ever looked into groups/message boards for "childless by choice" people to get more perspective? (Aside from the personal perspective provided by her loving aunt, of course. )
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QueenoftheSloths
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Jun 26, 2014 0:29:24 GMT
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on Jul 25, 2016 22:12:03 GMT
I never had the slightest interest in having children. DH has 2 from his first marriage, he is quite a bit older than me and his children are not much younger than me. I could not have married someone who wanted me to have children. Everything about the concept of parenthood is very unappealing to me, pregnancy, childbirth, raising children. I see children in stores and think, I am so glad those aren't mine. Any maternal instincts I have are fully satisfied by our cats.
I guess my advice would be, if you don't KNOW you want children, that probably means you don't want them. Or at least, that you shouldn't have any until you do KNOW. Parenthood is a 24 hour a day job, and there is no get out of jail free card if you discover that it isn't for you.
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The Great Carpezio
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Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Jul 25, 2016 22:19:32 GMT
My DH and I were together 17 years and married 12 before we had kids. We weren't opposed but we weren't willing to go through fertility treatments either.
It happened for us when I was 35 and we can't imagine life without them now, but I know we would have been happy without them too. A different happy --but still happy.
We had a freedom that we don't have now. It took me the first three years or so to get used to that. I don't miss that other life now, but I did off and on in the early years of parenting twins.
We have many family and friends who haven't had children. For some it "just didn't happen" and for some it was a conscious choice due to many factors (mental health being a big one), but they are all pretty cool people.
My parents struggled a little when it looked like we weren't having children, but we also were able to forge a different bond as friends and travel partners. If we would have had kids early in our relationship, I wouldn't have the same relationship with my parents as I do now. As adults we connected differently than when I was their child. It's changed again with children in the mix but overall, I'm glad I didn't have kids in my 20's for many reasons.
I also think having kids can be selfish. Being a good parent is selfless, but procreating for many people doesn't make them wonderful people. I really hate when people think choosing not to have kids is "selfish." People want kids for many reasons but deep down it's not always pure altruistic black and white rationale. Some people choosing not to have children is the less selfish choice in my opinion.
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Post by AN on Jul 25, 2016 22:29:30 GMT
We still haven't decided for certain but are leaning towards no kids (31 and 32, and I feel very strongly about not starting a family after 35 for me personally - I would have preferred to start by 30 if we were going to but 35 is a pretty hard line for me). This book is awesome - hard to get, although her website indicates maybe it is in reprint? I was able to get it from interlibrary loan, my TX library found it in a college library in Arkansas and got it for us!! www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0892561750/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=&sr=Lots of very practical exercises and questions, absolutely no bias (there is lots of biased info out there). One thing she mentions is you can make the decision not to decide yet, if you do it wisely it isn't just putting your head in the sand. She gives guidelines on how to set a timeline, etc. That's what we did - tabled the issue for 2 years, and that was so helpful because I was spending too much time thinking about it. This was also good, although much more philosophical than the book. therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/Ultimatelu, right now I am feeling like, if we aren't sure or even leaning that direction at least 75%, it is too risky to have them. If we don't have them, we might have regrets, but they are ours. If we do have them, we might have regrets - and they impact the life of another human(s). I think we need to be leaning a lot more towards than 50/50 to make it a good choice for us. I also know our personalities and neither of us are particularly good with kids. We aren't monsters, but we aren't naturals either.
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Post by ellewood on Jul 25, 2016 22:35:30 GMT
This is a really timely topic for me! I read through most of these responses and everyone is right, it's a really personal decision. I decided long ago not to have children (in my mid-30s now). I'm not careful or nurturing or patient. I would be miserable and feel very resentful. I am an only child, so my friends are like my sisters. Seeing them get married then pregnant and have this glowingly happy womanly fulfillment, it definitely strikes me. Not that I want that, too, but that I won't be able to share that experience with them. I know I will be happier in the long run but it is hard to live with this choice when it's not a normal choice to make and everyone else is going in a different direction. Having made my decision long ago, I wish I could have known what I know now so I could prepare myself for that feeling. Otherwise, I have no qualms about my decisions and being around my niece and nephew (fiance's family) only reinforces that choice. Fiance is also 100% on board with this decision.
The only thing that bothers me about what you wrote about your niece is that her husband says it's up to her. Having a kid is a huge life-changing decision and I don't think any sane person would not have an opinion on it. It seems like he's asking her to make the decision AND take responsibility for it. He could end up resenting whichever way that goes! I wouldn't want someone making the choice for me.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2016 22:37:46 GMT
I know you said you only wanted to hear from Peas without children, but this thread has been an interesting and very helpful read. I wanted to add something that is from a little bit of a different angle.
I've wanted kids ever since I was a kid. I never yearned for a career, just wanted to be a mother one day. My biological clock was ticking so loud by the time I was 30 I barely "heard" anything else. I love my kids and they are my #1 priority.
Just the other week, my teenage daughter told me that she doesn't want to have kids. Honestly at first I was sad and a little taken aback. But she explained her reasons. One of them is that she wants to have a career in the medical field which she knows is very demanding. She said she would rather focus on her career and that she knows that raising kids is a lot of work. I've raised my kids to follow their instincts and do what they feel in their heart is right. I'm very proud of her. And so grateful that she is confident enough to think on her own and do what she feels is right.
I am a huge advocate of intuition, instincts, gut feelings, meditation, praying, whatever you want to call it. My advice to your niece would be to really listen to your inner voice, make a decision and don't let any outside "noise" interfere with it.
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Post by peano on Jul 25, 2016 22:38:41 GMT
Up until my late 30s, I was 99.9% sure I didn't want children. This was mainly because I had such a damaging childhood, I didn't want the effects of that to affect an innocent child. I did a lot of intensive therapy in my 30s and grew a lot. Then my biological clock started going off and I'd find myself bursting into tears when buying baby shower presents for friends. I met DH when I was 38 and he was a very nurturing person who'd had a large role in helping his sister and brother raise their sons, and I knew he'd be a great father and would help me.
Now I know I made the right decision to have my son as becoming a parent really helped me grow as a person. I am not someone who LOVES other people's children and I think this sometimes clouds people's decisions about having children. But the overpowering and all-abiding deep love I feel for DS is something I never would have known I missed had I decided not to have children.
I would just say honor your feelings but keep your options open (e.g. no permanent sterilization of your or your DH yet) because things can change.
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Post by AN on Jul 25, 2016 22:45:33 GMT
On a less serious but more annoying note, I posted a picture on Facebook of a car I purchased this weekend. It's a small SUV, and I was previously driving a mid size SUV.
My aunt commented: "Infant carseat will fit well in that ride!!!"
WTF aunt?!
I wrote back:"Maybe (16 yo cousin) or (18 you cousin) will want to buy it from me in several years for that purpose! We just checked how many cases of wine would fit with the seats down. 🍻"
HOW RUDE
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teddyw
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Post by teddyw on Jul 25, 2016 22:46:28 GMT
My brother is 41 & his whole life he's always said he doesn't want kids. He's had 3 broken engagements with women who thought they could change his mind. 2 had kids already and he chose not to spend time with them. He says for him he had to be first and women put their kids first usually. He never regrets this- ever. In fact he has no desire to be around his nieces & nephews either. He just doesn't like kids.
I can accept this but my mom can't.
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cycworker
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Post by cycworker on Jul 25, 2016 22:53:23 GMT
I don't have kids. It was never physically or financially wise for me. I think if I were sure I could manage as a single mom, I would have adopted. I definitely never wanted to get married. I'm disappointed/sad about the lack of kids at times; overall I mostly like my life. In part, I think that my disappointment over my lack of being a mom is the sense that it ultimately wasn't something I chose. It just worked out that way.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2016 22:59:22 GMT
My brother is 41 & his whole life he's always said he doesn't want kids. He's had 3 broken engagements with women who thought they could change his mind. 2 had kids already and he chose not to spend time with them. He says for him he had to be first and women put their kids first usually. He never regrets this- ever. In fact he has no desire to be around his nieces & nephews either. He just doesn't like kids. I can accept this but my mom can't. This was the attitude of a man I know. He is very much a me first person and complain bitterly that his wife didn't want to have sex while she was going through chemo. This couple would leave son in daycare, so they could have alone time. The minute their son turned 18, he quit school, got married, joined the army. He is really not part of their lives any more. ( don't worry the boy had a wonderful papa to take care of him)
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scrapaddie
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Post by scrapaddie on Jul 25, 2016 22:59:53 GMT
I don't know if this is helpful, but it is another point of view. I very much wanted to have children and, thankfully, I was blessed with one, but never able to have another. My dd and her husband talked of the time when they would have kids and I really looked forward to being a grandma. But as that time approached, they changed their minds, deciding to not to have children. It was heartbreaking for me and I was honest about that. But I also told them that if they did not want to have a child, then that was the right decision for them. It is so sad to see children born to parents who are not interested in parenting! My granchild is a Bassett hound. I think this is important...the weight of parental expectations to become grandparents. It is her and her husband's choice, no one else. And they are not responsible for anyone else's experiences. OH and I are not able to have children and we are both (mostly) comfortable with this. My biggest challenge is the feeling of disappointing my mom because I know that she would love to be a grandmother. But I am not responsible for her happiness in this, or any other way. The other thing that has been said to me is 'who is going to look after you when you're old.' There are two responses to this: one, that there is no guarantee your children would want or be able to do this for you anyway. The second is that if you are having children as some kind of future care plan, I personally don't think this is a good enough reason. You certainly could invest the money more wisely! Lol I am ok with my dd's decision... Though I wouldn't be upset if she ever changed her mind. They gave to life the life they want. My sil is very nice and seems to be a very loving husband. As someone who was married 32 years... That is very important in my mind
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Post by polz on Jul 25, 2016 23:21:23 GMT
I've chosen to have one child and that's seen as odd. I think your niece should be able to make whatever choice she wants. That's the beauty of being a woman in this time. WE HAVE CHOICES. Even 50 years ago we didn't. Isn't it amazing how far we have come? I think it's the most unselfish thing to NOT have a child you don't want. I know woman that had kids because it was expected. They don't like kids. Not even their own. It's sad.
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seaexplore
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Post by seaexplore on Jul 26, 2016 0:26:00 GMT
Great, respectful comments! I was one who did not want children but was fine if it happened. DH and I talked about is for years. We met in 1998 when we were 23 and 24. In 2010 I ended up pregnant. I was scared shitless! I'm not nurturing. I don't like babies. The economy was in the toilet. What the hell was I going to do? We lost that baby at 9 weeks. It absolutely destroyed us for months. That emotional destruction led us to a deeper conversation.... None or two was what came out of it. I had my first in 2011 at the age of 37. We started trying for kid 2 when she was 18 months. Another miscarriage followed by a miscarriage and ectopic at the same time of triplets made us rethink the two kids thing. 2 months after the ectopic, I was pregnant with my second kiddo. I had our second in March of this year just before turning 42. I don't regret kids but I can't say what my life would be like without them. I love the little suckers. they for sure limit what we are able to do. I most likely will not be able to enjoy my grandkids (if there are any down the line) because I waited so long to have them. If I had them earlier tho, I probably would not have the patience to deal with them as I was all about me. For sure go with your gut but don't rule it totally out just yet. How's that for confusing? Lol
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2016 0:34:48 GMT
DH and I didn't go into the marriage thinking we weren't going to have kids. I guess we both assumed we would at some point. I've NEVER felt the "biological clock" that other women seem to feel; and we never seemed to be ready I think if either one of us REALLY wanted a child the other one would have completely gone along with it. But that never happened. Overall I think it was a the right decision for us. We have a great relationship, we travel, we don't struggle financially. I am not going to say we don't ever wonder, "what if?" But we are enjoying life and not regretful.
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Post by lisae on Jul 26, 2016 0:43:05 GMT
I chose not to have children. When I was in high school, I dreamed of getting a college degree so I could get a good job and build a house. I didn't even think about marriage. In my late teens and early 20's when I was dating the man who became my first husband, I pictured us with children some day. However, I never pictured a baby. I've never had any desire to have a baby, never pictured myself pregnant, can't stand screaming sounds or have any desire to provide 24/7 care. I might have fantasized about teaching a little girl to cook or conversations we would have in the car when taking him/her to school or activities. So obviously I wanted a little person, not a baby.
After getting my first real job, I would come home in the evening exhausted and all I wanted to do was fix dinner and relax with my husband. I was short tempered until I got a decent meal on the table. I just could not imagine having a child to care for on top of my other responsibilities. I also began to recognize how important it is to have time to myself every day. I absolutely need at least a couple of hours of alone time daily. Parenting is a 24/7 job.
When that marriage ended and a new relationship blossomed with the man who is now my husband, I had it easy. He already had children from a previous marriage. They were 11 and 14 when I first met them. Those summers they spent with us were not always easy but I'm so glad he didn't want to have any more children. And he was very happy that I didn't want children either. He had already done his bit with babies and toddlers. He's now a happy grandpa and that is fine. I'm in my 50's and don't regret my decision at all. I do wonder sometimes who will take care of me when I'm older but having children does not give you automatic eldercare.
The only person unhappy with this choice was my mother who wanted grandchildren and I'm an only child. Honestly though I can not see my mother as a doting grandmother. I can see her buying a grandchild all kinds of clothes and toys but playing with them, babysitting? No, that isn't her. She read to me but she never played dolls or board games with me. Anyway, it does not matter what anyone else wants.
To go through all it takes to be a parent physically, emotionally, financially, I think you should really want a child. It sounds like your niece doesn't want that - now. It's fine if she always feels that way and I think it is fine if she changes her mind later on.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jul 26, 2016 0:49:38 GMT
I love my son. The sun rises and sets with him on my mind. I do NOT like children, though. I don't like other people's children at all. I hated babysitting. I hated being pregnant and I hated everything to do with it. I was told we were not capable of having children without surgery so well guess what? The specialist was wrong. (This was 20 years ago in Japan).
It was a good choice not to have more. I don't know how I can love my own so much and not want to be around other people's kids. It's a mystery.
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Post by joylynaroundthebnd on Jul 26, 2016 0:52:29 GMT
I grew up thinking that I would be a mother. But I do not remember wanting to be a mother. Honestly, DH and I did not discuss it when we were dating. We decided in the late 1980s to not have children. We are both first born children and had to help raise our younger siblings. DH was also required to babysit the children of his parent's best friends when they went out. We never saw the joy and fun of having children, we always saw the HARD work it takes to be a parent. (that said, we love babies and children and we love to give them back. lol) IMO, not everyone considers how much hard work and sacrifice goes into having children. My mother used to tell me, if you don't want to take care of a dog, don't have children. Children are a much larger commitment.
The things I feel like I have missed out on are: the experience of being pregnant, feeling that immediate and unconditional love for someone and having a common bond with a lot of women. Those are not good enough reasons to make a commitment to have children and I still do not regret our decision.
If you decide not to, be prepared to have people express sympathy (fertility issues), indicate that you are being selfish for not wanting to have children (more money/free time) or to assume you dislike kids. In my experience, not having kids created a barrier to some friendships. I did not have a common interest with other women and could not really participate in the conversations. Although I do admire those women for being completely committed to their kids.
Do not let anyone force you or make you feel guilty if you decide to not have children. They will not be responsible for them, nor will they be there to take care of them.
We are now 52, and do not regret the decision we made. We are happy and have had a good life.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Jul 26, 2016 1:29:07 GMT
I have children. But wanted to say that when my (Soon to be ex) husband and I got together 20 years ago I had already had my tubes tide so I couldn't have any more kids. I chose to stop after 3. He never had children. I told him that I couldn't and wouldn't have any more and he was good with that. But he did have my 3 to love and he took them in as his own.
I admire woman who choose not to have children when they know they don't want them. I hate it when woman keep having children knowing they don't want any more just because the family wants them to have more or the husband wants more.
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Post by anonrefugee on Jul 26, 2016 1:41:43 GMT
I apologize for violating your request because I had children near and after 40. Unless she's facing a medical decision it doesn't have to be a permanent choice at 30. Trust me- I know It's a bit like choosing a career or college major. She can decide NO now and be comfortable and happy that way for years. And then maybe something changes her mind later, at 37. If she's open to the possibility it might remain NONE she's in a great position. DH and I had an alternative plan for a great life if it didn't happen, and vows to not angst if it wasn't meant to be. (Sorry for lame college major analogy. I'm dealing with a child entering college, trying to convince him this isn't the last time he has choice in the matter.) ETA actually, the having kids was the alternative plan. We were doing great on our WithOut plan.
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Post by Tamhugh on Jul 26, 2016 2:02:03 GMT
I also have kids, so my thoughts may be meaningless, but here goes anyway.
From what you posted, she sounds torn. She is only 30 and doesn't have to make a decision now. In 5 years, she may decide she does want kids or she may decide she definitely does not. Both are decisions that only she and her DH can make. If it were me, the only advice I would give my 30 year old self in that case, would be to not take permanent measures in either direction. No baby and no sterilization until I felt strongly and confidently enough in what I did or did not want.
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chamadog
Junior Member
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Jul 5, 2014 19:09:25 GMT
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Post by chamadog on Jul 26, 2016 2:25:50 GMT
These responses are all so respectful - thank you for that Peas! I don't post often, but I felt compelled to respond to this thread. I'm 43, DH is two weeks away from 50. We've been together for 23 years and married for 21 and we chose not to have children. At first, we felt we were too young (I was 20, he was 27) and building our life together. Then, well, we just never got the itch. At about that point, as I neared my 30's, we had a long discussion about it and decided that being a parent was something we didn't want to be ambivalent about - we didn't want it enough and we didn't want to be sort-of committed to it and we really felt that the decision to have children was something we both needed to be all-in for. We weren't. Now, in my 40's, I have no regrets, nor does my husband. There are people who seem to feel no need to hold back when it comes to the topic of having/not-having children. Your niece will get some of that. So, after 20 years, here are some things she may want to prepare some ready answers for: - When someone expresses sympathy that she doesn't have children: We have a life we enjoy. We don't feel we missed out on anything we wanted but deprived ourselves of because we wanted careers over family.
- When someone says people who choose to not have children are selfish: We aren't selfish. This was the life-decision that was best for us and we assume that parents make the same sort of best-for-them-life-decisions and we don't believe they are selfish.
- When someone says, "well, your dog/cat/turtle/bird/pet is your child": We don't believe our pets are our children or take the place of children - they aren't and they don't. (I hate, hate, hate it when people suggest that these are my fur-children because to me it implies that I don't know the difference or that my pets somehow fill a void. I do and they don't.)
- When someone says, "well you're a whatever-career-choice-you-made-that-involves-people, they're your children!": I'm in HR. No, my 150 employees are not my children and they also don't fill some sort of child-void for me. They are full-grown adults who have parents of their own. That comment implies the same things that the pet comment does and is disrespectful to my profession and the work I do. (not that your niece is in HR, but there may be something similar that comes up...)
- When someone asks if there is some physical/emotional issue surrounding the decision: There is nothing physically or mentally wrong with my husband or me. We made a decision - a conscious, fully-realized decision to not have children that has nothing to do with our physical or mental health. It has everything to do with what we wanted for our lives and our life together and we expect that that decision is respected as much as the decision to have children.
I feel like that list above comes across as defensive, and I guess in some ways that could be true. While the responses here have been very respectful, what happens in real-life, and on the internet, isn't always as respectful. The list above is like the label on your hairdryer. It's there because someone did it. Except in this case, it's because they said it. Having said that, in my 40's, I'm no longer defensive. These are my choices. I've always been peaceful and happy with my choice to not have children. I have not always been peaceful, or graceful, with the judgments made by those who feel they have a right to weigh out and assess my choices. In the end, your niece has to make the choice best for her and her life. No one else can live her life or make those choices for her. Ann
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Post by Belia on Jul 26, 2016 2:27:13 GMT
My brother is 41 & his whole life he's always said he doesn't want kids. He says for him he had to be first and women put their kids first usually. I have 2 kids, but I waited a very long time before having them and, if biology were not an issue, would have been very happy to continue to wait. It was very hard to make the decision to pull that trigger. I *honestly* don't look down or judge couples who don't have kids. I don't think child-free couples are selfish or damaged or anything of the sort. I have a great deal of respect for those who make that choice. But I gotta say.... the bolded sentence in the above really rubbed me the wrong way. A 40-year-old man who has to "be first" all the time in his relationships? That's an attitude that seems to go beyond "I don't want the responsibilities that go along with being a parent." Maybe I'm being uber-judgemental and I need to check myself. But my first thought when I read that was UGH. Just me?
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Post by Penellopy on Jul 26, 2016 2:40:54 GMT
My husband and I were in the camp of if it happens, fine and if it doesn't, that is fine as well. Turns out I was the one who couldn't. By the time I was 34 I was told I needed a hysterectomy due to many cysts. By that time, we were used to being on the go whenever we pleased and we okay with being childless. Turns out, we have had many nieces and nephews live with us over the years and we they have been a big part of our lives. It was a choice that we made together.
I have friends now that have struggled raising their children and getting them through college. Periodically one of them will say how lucky we are to have horses and dogs for kids...they don't need clothes, cars and college funds. Having children is expected, but it should also be a personal choice.
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teddyw
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,850
Jun 29, 2014 1:56:04 GMT
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Post by teddyw on Jul 26, 2016 2:43:53 GMT
My brother is 41 & his whole life he's always said he doesn't want kids. He says for him he had to be first and women put their kids first usually. I have 2 kids, but I waited a very long time before having them and, if biology were not an issue, would have been very happy to continue to wait. It was very hard to make the decision to pull that trigger. I *honestly* don't look down or judge couples who don't have kids. I don't think child-free couples are selfish or damaged or anything of the sort. I have a great deal of respect for those who make that choice. But I gotta say.... the bolded sentence in the above really rubbed me the wrong way. A 40-year-old man who has to "be first" all the time in his relationships? That's an attitude that seems to go beyond "I don't want the responsibilities that go along with being a parent." Maybe I'm being uber-judgemental and I need to check myself. But my first thought when I read that was UGH. Just me? No not just you. He's my brother & I think he's horribly selfish.
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Post by darkchami on Jul 26, 2016 2:52:40 GMT
I may not be exactly the demographic you are asking. My husband and I haven't been able to have children.
At first we were heartbroken. Now we find ourselves a bit relieved. Our schedules are more free than they would otherwise be. We have less stress. Financially, we are better off overall. It was difficult to accept the initial disappointment, but I think we ended with the life that is best for us.
If we can be happy with not having children, I am sure that someone who actually made that choice can be happy.
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