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Post by originalvanillabean on Jul 26, 2016 3:00:27 GMT
I knew that I didn't want children. When DH and I started to get serious, I asked if he wanted kids, because I didn't. I knew that if he did, I wasn't the right person for him. He said he would be fine without kids. We don't have any. Between the both of us, we have 14 nieces and nephews ranging in age from 3 to 23.
We love our life and the ability to buy an airline ticket and go anywhere on a whim. We love spending time with each other and alone or with friends while enjoying our hobbies. It was the right decision for us.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Jul 26, 2016 3:24:03 GMT
I don't think people who chose to not have children are selfish I think they are the least selfish people out there because they don't bring unwanted children into the world. I know that people that don't want children do have children. After all oopses do happen. and that doesn't mean that the children aren't loved.
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smcast
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,320
Location: MN
Mar 18, 2016 14:06:38 GMT
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Post by smcast on Jul 26, 2016 3:35:25 GMT
I think it's great to be responsible and do what works for you. Not everyone has to follow the same path. I can't stand it when people have children just because they can and then neglect them, or worse, abuse them. No judgement from me.
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Grom Pea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,944
Jun 27, 2014 0:21:07 GMT
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Post by Grom Pea on Jul 26, 2016 4:44:37 GMT
I was not ever a kid person and still am not, however dh convinced me to have kids. I love them like the Dickens, but like others have said, I would have been totally content to be childless should that have been the path I chose. It's funny how I'm not a kid person but I go to a co-op preschool with my two kids 3 days a week and I love being involved. It's so weird to me when a random child from school tries to give me a hug because I'm awkward with kids, but when my own kids give me hugs it's like it was meant to be. I will say this, it's not easy to be a parent, especially on the older side, but it's not impossible, so her decision can be right for her now and right for her in 10-20 years, but if she changes her mind that's ok too. Either way I think she is making the right decision as long as she's doing what's right for her and her dh.
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Post by anonrefugee on Jul 26, 2016 13:23:01 GMT
Thanks chamadog for speaking up! Because life works out for so many to have kids at a young age there are many that did it without thinking of it as a choice. I mean that gently, our culture and our biology expect it, maybe even need it. I think those people say those things because they literally can not imagine life any other way. Just like they say things to those not married. If they'd had an interruption in the original plan they'd see how easy it is to make it a choice. With two teens I like how things turned out for us. But I can still see the other plan and know we would have been fine too. Again, thanks for answering OPs question. I apologize I keep butting in!
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Post by refupea on Jul 26, 2016 13:59:29 GMT
This is a really timely topic for me! I read through most of these responses and everyone is right, it's a really personal decision. I decided long ago not to have children (in my mid-30s now). I'm not careful or nurturing or patient. I would be miserable and feel very resentful. I am an only child, so my friends are like my sisters. Seeing them get married then pregnant and have this glowingly happy womanly fulfillment, it definitely strikes me. Not that I want that, too, but that I won't be able to share that experience with them. I know I will be happier in the long run but it is hard to live with this choice when it's not a normal choice to make and everyone else is going in a different direction. Having made my decision long ago, I wish I could have known what I know now so I could prepare myself for that feeling. Otherwise, I have no qualms about my decisions and being around my niece and nephew (fiance's family) only reinforces that choice. Fiance is also 100% on board with this decision. The only thing that bothers me about what you wrote about your niece is that her husband says it's up to her. Having a kid is a huge life-changing decision and I don't think any sane person would not have an opinion on it. It seems like he's asking her to make the decision AND take responsibility for it. He could end up resenting whichever way that goes! I wouldn't want someone making the choice for me. Thank you. The same thought crossed my mind about her husband, but I know my niece and she said ultimately. My niece is a smart cookie and I know she realizes this definitely should be a joint decision between the two of them. And only them! Thank you again!
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Post by refupea on Jul 26, 2016 14:05:31 GMT
I agree with what others have said about it being a personal decision between the couple. I'm not commenting for myself since I have kids, but has your niece ever looked into groups/message boards for "childless by choice" people to get more perspective? (Aside from the personal perspective provided by her loving aunt, of course. ) Thank you! I do not know if my niece has looked into that, but I thank you for the wonderful suggestion!
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Post by refupea on Jul 26, 2016 14:06:15 GMT
I chose not to have children while all of my friends were getting pregnant. I never for three seconds regretted my decision, and all of those kids are on my Christmas list. Four of them are my godchildren. We're close. But it came down to knowing myself. I am not good at balancing interests. What I want, I go after 100 percent, and I wanted a career in a communications field. I knew a child would not fit in with my goals, no matter how much I loved him or her. That child was going to get pawned off on my husband, my mother, my friends. I am NOT saying that mothers with careers are short-changing their kids. I'm saying it's how my personality would have worked, and my husband recognized that focus as well and agreed. These decisions are so personal, it's impossible to give advice. I can only offer my experience. Good luck. Thank you! Experiences are so helpful. That is all my niece is looking for. Thank you again!!!
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Post by refupea on Jul 26, 2016 14:07:07 GMT
We still haven't decided for certain but are leaning towards no kids (31 and 32, and I feel very strongly about not starting a family after 35 for me personally - I would have preferred to start by 30 if we were going to but 35 is a pretty hard line for me). This book is awesome - hard to get, although her website indicates maybe it is in reprint? I was able to get it from interlibrary loan, my TX library found it in a college library in Arkansas and got it for us!! www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0892561750/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=&sr=Lots of very practical exercises and questions, absolutely no bias (there is lots of biased info out there). One thing she mentions is you can make the decision not to decide yet, if you do it wisely it isn't just putting your head in the sand. She gives guidelines on how to set a timeline, etc. That's what we did - tabled the issue for 2 years, and that was so helpful because I was spending too much time thinking about it. This was also good, although much more philosophical than the book. therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/Ultimatelu, right now I am feeling like, if we aren't sure or even leaning that direction at least 75%, it is too risky to have them. If we don't have them, we might have regrets, but they are ours. If we do have them, we might have regrets - and they impact the life of another human(s). I think we need to be leaning a lot more towards than 50/50 to make it a good choice for us. I also know our personalities and neither of us are particularly good with kids. We aren't monsters, but we aren't naturals either. Thank you so very much for these resources!!!
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Post by refupea on Jul 26, 2016 14:09:51 GMT
I know you said you only wanted to hear from Peas without children, but this thread has been an interesting and very helpful read. I wanted to add something that is from a little bit of a different angle. I've wanted kids ever since I was a kid. I never yearned for a career, just wanted to be a mother one day. My biological clock was ticking so loud by the time I was 30 I barely "heard" anything else. I love my kids and they are my #1 priority. Just the other week, my teenage daughter told me that she doesn't want to have kids. Honestly at first I was sad and a little taken aback. But she explained her reasons. One of them is that she wants to have a career in the medical field which she knows is very demanding. She said she would rather focus on her career and that she knows that raising kids is a lot of work. I've raised my kids to follow their instincts and do what they feel in their heart is right. I'm very proud of her. And so grateful that she is confident enough to think on her own and do what she feels is right. I am a huge advocate of intuition, instincts, gut feelings, meditation, praying, whatever you want to call it. My advice to your niece would be to really listen to your inner voice, make a decision and don't let any outside "noise" interfere with it. FANTASTIC advise! Thank you so much!!!
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Post by refupea on Jul 26, 2016 14:12:55 GMT
I've chosen to have one child and that's seen as odd. I think your niece should be able to make whatever choice she wants. That's the beauty of being a woman in this time. WE HAVE CHOICES. Even 50 years ago we didn't. Isn't it amazing how far we have come? I think it's the most unselfish thing to NOT have a child you don't want. I know woman that had kids because it was expected. They don't like kids. Not even their own. It's sad. That is very sad. I'm happy for you making the choice YOU wanted to make!!
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Post by refupea on Jul 26, 2016 14:15:10 GMT
Great, respectful comments! I was one who did not want children but was fine if it happened. DH and I talked about is for years. We met in 1998 when we were 23 and 24. In 2010 I ended up pregnant. I was scared shitless! I'm not nurturing. I don't like babies. The economy was in the toilet. What the hell was I going to do? We lost that baby at 9 weeks. It absolutely destroyed us for months. That emotional destruction led us to a deeper conversation.... None or two was what came out of it. I had my first in 2011 at the age of 37. We started trying for kid 2 when she was 18 months. Another miscarriage followed by a miscarriage and ectopic at the same time of triplets made us rethink the two kids thing. 2 months after the ectopic, I was pregnant with my second kiddo. I had our second in March of this year just before turning 42. I don't regret kids but I can't say what my life would be like without them. I love the little suckers. they for sure limit what we are able to do. I most likely will not be able to enjoy my grandkids (if there are any down the line) because I waited so long to have them. If I had them earlier tho, I probably would not have the patience to deal with them as I was all about me. For sure go with your gut but don't rule it totally out just yet. How's that for confusing? Lol Ha ha! Not confusing at all. I completely understand your point of view. I am so terribly sorry for all you and your DH have had to go through! Congratulations on your two little suckers!
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Post by refupea on Jul 26, 2016 14:17:07 GMT
Up until my late 30s, I was 99.9% sure I didn't want children. This was mainly because I had such a damaging childhood, I didn't want the effects of that to affect an innocent child. I did a lot of intensive therapy in my 30s and grew a lot. Then my biological clock started going off and I'd find myself bursting into tears when buying baby shower presents for friends. I met DH when I was 38 and he was a very nurturing person who'd had a large role in helping his sister and brother raise their sons, and I knew he'd be a great father and would help me. Now I know I made the right decision to have my son as becoming a parent really helped me grow as a person. I am not someone who LOVES other people's children and I think this sometimes clouds people's decisions about having children. But the overpowering and all-abiding deep love I feel for DS is something I never would have known I missed had I decided not to have children. I would just say honor your feelings but keep your options open (e.g. no permanent sterilization of your or your DH yet) because things can change. Wonderful advise. Thank you for sharing your point of view and experience.
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Post by refupea on Jul 26, 2016 14:17:51 GMT
On a less serious but more annoying note, I posted a picture on Facebook of a car I purchased this weekend. It's a small SUV, and I was previously driving a mid size SUV. My aunt commented: "Infant carseat will fit well in that ride!!!" WTF aunt?! I wrote back:"Maybe (16 yo cousin) or (18 you cousin) will want to buy it from me in several years for that purpose! We just checked how many cases of wine would fit with the seats down. 🍻" HOW RUDE Oh my goodness! That is rude and annoying! I commend you on your fantastic response!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by refupea on Jul 26, 2016 14:20:00 GMT
DH and I didn't go into the marriage thinking we weren't going to have kids. I guess we both assumed we would at some point. I've NEVER felt the "biological clock" that other women seem to feel; and we never seemed to be ready I think if either one of us REALLY wanted a child the other one would have completely gone along with it. But that never happened. Overall I think it was a the right decision for us. We have a great relationship, we travel, we don't struggle financially. I am not going to say we don't ever wonder, "what if?" But we are enjoying life and not regretful. What a wonderful way to explain your experience. I believe everyone wonders "what if" whether they have had children or not. Thank you for that!
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Post by refupea on Jul 26, 2016 14:22:17 GMT
I chose not to have children. When I was in high school, I dreamed of getting a college degree so I could get a good job and build a house. I didn't even think about marriage. In my late teens and early 20's when I was dating the man who became my first husband, I pictured us with children some day. However, I never pictured a baby. I've never had any desire to have a baby, never pictured myself pregnant, can't stand screaming sounds or have any desire to provide 24/7 care. I might have fantasized about teaching a little girl to cook or conversations we would have in the car when taking him/her to school or activities. So obviously I wanted a little person, not a baby. After getting my first real job, I would come home in the evening exhausted and all I wanted to do was fix dinner and relax with my husband. I was short tempered until I got a decent meal on the table. I just could not imagine having a child to care for on top of my other responsibilities. I also began to recognize how important it is to have time to myself every day. I absolutely need at least a couple of hours of alone time daily. Parenting is a 24/7 job. When that marriage ended and a new relationship blossomed with the man who is now my husband, I had it easy. He already had children from a previous marriage. They were 11 and 14 when I first met them. Those summers they spent with us were not always easy but I'm so glad he didn't want to have any more children. And he was very happy that I didn't want children either. He had already done his bit with babies and toddlers. He's now a happy grandpa and that is fine. I'm in my 50's and don't regret my decision at all. I do wonder sometimes who will take care of me when I'm older but having children does not give you automatic eldercare. The only person unhappy with this choice was my mother who wanted grandchildren and I'm an only child. Honestly though I can not see my mother as a doting grandmother. I can see her buying a grandchild all kinds of clothes and toys but playing with them, babysitting? No, that isn't her. She read to me but she never played dolls or board games with me. Anyway, it does not matter what anyone else wants. To go through all it takes to be a parent physically, emotionally, financially, I think you should really want a child. It sounds like your niece doesn't want that - now. It's fine if she always feels that way and I think it is fine if she changes her mind later on. Exactly! Thank you for sharing!!!
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Post by refupea on Jul 26, 2016 14:24:53 GMT
I love my son. The sun rises and sets with him on my mind. I do NOT like children, though. I don't like other people's children at all. I hated babysitting. I hated being pregnant and I hated everything to do with it. I was told we were not capable of having children without surgery so well guess what? The specialist was wrong. (This was 20 years ago in Japan). It was a good choice not to have more. I don't know how I can love my own so much and not want to be around other people's kids. It's a mystery. As long as you enjoy having your son, I don't think you really have to like other children. Enjoy your boy and thanks for sharing!
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Post by refupea on Jul 26, 2016 14:25:55 GMT
I grew up thinking that I would be a mother. But I do not remember wanting to be a mother. Honestly, DH and I did not discuss it when we were dating. We decided in the late 1980s to not have children. We are both first born children and had to help raise our younger siblings. DH was also required to babysit the children of his parent's best friends when they went out. We never saw the joy and fun of having children, we always saw the HARD work it takes to be a parent. (that said, we love babies and children and we love to give them back. lol) IMO, not everyone considers how much hard work and sacrifice goes into having children. My mother used to tell me, if you don't want to take care of a dog, don't have children. Children are a much larger commitment. The things I feel like I have missed out on are: the experience of being pregnant, feeling that immediate and unconditional love for someone and having a common bond with a lot of women. Those are not good enough reasons to make a commitment to have children and I still do not regret our decision. If you decide not to, be prepared to have people express sympathy (fertility issues), indicate that you are being selfish for not wanting to have children (more money/free time) or to assume you dislike kids. In my experience, not having kids created a barrier to some friendships. I did not have a common interest with other women and could not really participate in the conversations. Although I do admire those women for being completely committed to their kids. Do not let anyone force you or make you feel guilty if you decide to not have children. They will not be responsible for them, nor will they be there to take care of them. We are now 52, and do not regret the decision we made. We are happy and have had a good life. Thank you for sharing your experience and prospective. Great advice on not feeling guilty for any decision made!!!
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Post by refupea on Jul 26, 2016 14:27:40 GMT
I apologize for violating your request because I had children near and after 40. Unless she's facing a medical decision it doesn't have to be a permanent choice at 30. Trust me- I know It's a bit like choosing a career or college major. She can decide NO now and be comfortable and happy that way for years. And then maybe something changes her mind later, at 37. If she's open to the possibility it might remain NONE she's in a great position. DH and I had an alternative plan for a great life if it didn't happen, and vows to not angst if it wasn't meant to be. (Sorry for lame college major analogy. I'm dealing with a child entering college, trying to convince him this isn't the last time he has choice in the matter.) ETA actually, the having kids was the alternative plan. We were doing great on our WithOut plan. There is no need to apologize! I appreciate you jumping in and sharing your thoughts and experience!!
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Post by refupea on Jul 26, 2016 14:28:55 GMT
I also have kids, so my thoughts may be meaningless, but here goes anyway. From what you posted, she sounds torn. She is only 30 and doesn't have to make a decision now. In 5 years, she may decide she does want kids or she may decide she definitely does not. Both are decisions that only she and her DH can make. If it were me, the only advice I would give my 30 year old self in that case, would be to not take permanent measures in either direction. No baby and no sterilization until I felt strongly and confidently enough in what I did or did not want. Your thoughts definitely are not meaningless and I thank you for sharing them!!
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Post by refupea on Jul 26, 2016 14:33:42 GMT
These responses are all so respectful - thank you for that Peas! I don't post often, but I felt compelled to respond to this thread. I'm 43, DH is two weeks away from 50. We've been together for 23 years and married for 21 and we chose not to have children. At first, we felt we were too young (I was 20, he was 27) and building our life together. Then, well, we just never got the itch. At about that point, as I neared my 30's, we had a long discussion about it and decided that being a parent was something we didn't want to be ambivalent about - we didn't want it enough and we didn't want to be sort-of committed to it and we really felt that the decision to have children was something we both needed to be all-in for. We weren't. Now, in my 40's, I have no regrets, nor does my husband. There are people who seem to feel no need to hold back when it comes to the topic of having/not-having children. Your niece will get some of that. So, after 20 years, here are some things she may want to prepare some ready answers for: - When someone expresses sympathy that she doesn't have children: We have a life we enjoy. We don't feel we missed out on anything we wanted but deprived ourselves of because we wanted careers over family.
- When someone says people who choose to not have children are selfish: We aren't selfish. This was the life-decision that was best for us and we assume that parents make the same sort of best-for-them-life-decisions and we don't believe they are selfish.
- When someone says, "well, your dog/cat/turtle/bird/pet is your child": We don't believe our pets are our children or take the place of children - they aren't and they don't. (I hate, hate, hate it when people suggest that these are my fur-children because to me it implies that I don't know the difference or that my pets somehow fill a void. I do and they don't.)
- When someone says, "well you're a whatever-career-choice-you-made-that-involves-people, they're your children!": I'm in HR. No, my 150 employees are not my children and they also don't fill some sort of child-void for me. They are full-grown adults who have parents of their own. That comment implies the same things that the pet comment does and is disrespectful to my profession and the work I do. (not that your niece is in HR, but there may be something similar that comes up...)
- When someone asks if there is some physical/emotional issue surrounding the decision: There is nothing physically or mentally wrong with my husband or me. We made a decision - a conscious, fully-realized decision to not have children that has nothing to do with our physical or mental health. It has everything to do with what we wanted for our lives and our life together and we expect that that decision is respected as much as the decision to have children.
I feel like that list above comes across as defensive, and I guess in some ways that could be true. While the responses here have been very respectful, what happens in real-life, and on the internet, isn't always as respectful. The list above is like the label on your hairdryer. It's there because someone did it. Except in this case, it's because they said it. Having said that, in my 40's, I'm no longer defensive. These are my choices. I've always been peaceful and happy with my choice to not have children. I have not always been peaceful, or graceful, with the judgments made by those who feel they have a right to weigh out and assess my choices. In the end, your niece has to make the choice best for her and her life. No one else can live her life or make those choices for her. Ann Thank you so very much Ann! Especially since you stated you do not post often. I'm thankful you were compelled to do so! I appreciate your perspective and I know my niece will as well.
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Post by refupea on Jul 26, 2016 14:36:49 GMT
My brother is 41 & his whole life he's always said he doesn't want kids. He says for him he had to be first and women put their kids first usually. I have 2 kids, but I waited a very long time before having them and, if biology were not an issue, would have been very happy to continue to wait. It was very hard to make the decision to pull that trigger. I *honestly* don't look down or judge couples who don't have kids. I don't think child-free couples are selfish or damaged or anything of the sort. I have a great deal of respect for those who make that choice. But I gotta say.... the bolded sentence in the above really rubbed me the wrong way. A 40-year-old man who has to "be first" all the time in his relationships? That's an attitude that seems to go beyond "I don't want the responsibilities that go along with being a parent." Maybe I'm being uber-judgemental and I need to check myself. But my first thought when I read that was UGH. Just me? As long as he is forthcoming of how he feels before becoming involved with someone, I feel that is his prerogative. If a woman is fully aware of his feelings and sticks around thinking she can change him, she is the one setting herself up.
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Post by refupea on Jul 26, 2016 14:39:16 GMT
I may not be exactly the demographic you are asking. My husband and I haven't been able to have children. At first we were heartbroken. Now we find ourselves a bit relieved. Our schedules are more free than they would otherwise be. We have less stress. Financially, we are better off overall. It was difficult to accept the initial disappointment, but I think we ended with the life that is best for us. If we can be happy with not having children, I am sure that someone who actually made that choice can be happy. Thank you for joining in the conversation and sharing your story. I'm sorry for the heartache you and your husband had to face. It warms my heart to hear you are happy together!!!
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Post by refupea on Jul 26, 2016 14:40:13 GMT
I knew that I didn't want children. When DH and I started to get serious, I asked if he wanted kids, because I didn't. I knew that if he did, I wasn't the right person for him. He said he would be fine without kids. We don't have any. Between the both of us, we have 14 nieces and nephews ranging in age from 3 to 23. We love our life and the ability to buy an airline ticket and go anywhere on a whim. We love spending time with each other and alone or with friends while enjoying our hobbies. It was the right decision for us. I'm glad you found each other and are living a happy life together!
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Post by scraplette on Jul 26, 2016 14:50:54 GMT
It's nice to read a polite discussion about this.
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Post by refupea on Jul 26, 2016 14:59:39 GMT
I want to thank all of you for sharing your thoughts and experiences on what I know is a sensitive subject. Everyone has been very respectful and I sincerely appreciate that!
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,430
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Jul 26, 2016 15:17:36 GMT
Great, respectful comments! I was one who did not want children but was fine if it happened. DH and I talked about is for years. We met in 1998 when we were 23 and 24. In 2010 I ended up pregnant. I was scared shitless! I'm not nurturing. I don't like babies. The economy was in the toilet. What the hell was I going to do? We lost that baby at 9 weeks. It absolutely destroyed us for months. That emotional destruction led us to a deeper conversation.... None or two was what came out of it. I had my first in 2011 at the age of 37. We started trying for kid 2 when she was 18 months. Another miscarriage followed by a miscarriage and ectopic at the same time of triplets made us rethink the two kids thing. 2 months after the ectopic, I was pregnant with my second kiddo. I had our second in March of this year just before turning 42. I don't regret kids but I can't say what my life would be like without them. I love the little suckers. they for sure limit what we are able to do. I most likely will not be able to enjoy my grandkids (if there are any down the line) because I waited so long to have them. If I had them earlier tho, I probably would not have the patience to deal with them as I was all about me. For sure go with your gut but don't rule it totally out just yet. How's that for confusing? Lol Ha ha! Not confusing at all. I completely understand your point of view. I am so terribly sorry for all you and your DH have had to go through! Congratulations on your two little suckers! Thank you. It was so worth everything we went thru. I absolutely adore them. After the ectopic DH wanted to be done because he was scared for me to die if we had another ectopic. I convinced him to give it 6 more months. Only took 2.
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Post by Scrapbrat on Jul 26, 2016 15:29:43 GMT
This is probably going to sound simplistic, but it is truly what I believe inside. In my experience, most people who don't want to have children pretty much KNOW from the start that they don't want to have them. They might think about it now and then when pushed by potential grandparents, or the inevitable biological clock or whatever, but inside, they know that they don't want kids. But, those who struggle with the decision and go back and forth are often people who truly do want kids, but are uneasy about the many life changes that having kids entails. From your niece's brief request, I think she sounds like she is more in the latter camp than the former.
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Post by kiwigirl on Jul 26, 2016 15:49:03 GMT
I've never wanted kids. Even when I was a kid myself, I knew I didn't want to be a Mother. I didn't even want to be with a bloke who had kids and stopped seeing a couple of blokes when I found out they already had children. I was always open to the fact that I might change my mind one day, maybe the clock would start ticking but I doubted it and I've got to 43 without ever regretting my decision.
I met my partner when I was 26, just before I left London to go back to NZ. We had a few days together and then I left. We talked every day while I was in NZ and eventually had the talk... I said to him I would move back to the UK but I didn't want children so if he did, it wasn't going to work. He said he didn't want kids either so I agreed to come back to England (I also said I didn't want to get married, or live in the UK forever.... should have put a time limit on that one dammit, it's been 18 years now and I am over this country!). OH did say if I wanted to have kids he was ok with that, same with if I didn't. He was happy either way. I said to him then, I won't change my mind, I'm missing that maternal bit. So I've never regretted my decision not to have kids, not once. My only worry is, I've stopped OH having kids. We talk about it and he always says he's happy not having them but of course, I'm a female, I worry that he's lying to me and he resents me for it and blah blah blah. So that's my only worry about the whole no children thing. It's not something that is on my mind a lot or anything like that, but occasionally I have a fleeting thought that I've stopped OH from having kids too.
My advice would be, it sounds like Niece has made her mind up but if you're having doubts, be open to changing your mind. It's your decision and you can change your mind too, it's up to you!
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jul 26, 2016 16:30:40 GMT
I've been on both sides of that fence. I grew up watching my mom cook, clean and work her fingers to the bone taking care of our family of ten (eight kids!) and I always said to myself even as a kid "Oh, HELL no." Never played with dolls, never even owned any. As one of the youngest, I got to spend my summers babysitting my nieces and nephews from about the age of ten on. Best birth control ever if you ask me. All through my teens, 20's and even well into my 30's I had zero desire to have a child and I probably could have gone through life totally happy with that choice. My DH on the other hand would NOT have been happy with that choice. I knew early on that he always wanted kids, we talked about it in our premarital classes and I always thought I would change his mind. Didn't work. Initially I never wanted any because I knew exactly how much work they are. Later on it was for other reasons, mostly financial, and also because we were going to school, working insane hours at our respective jobs and I didn't think it would be fair to a kid to be in daycare over 60+ hours a week. Not to mention paying for it. It wasn't until we were nearing 40, had our financial house in order and had a much better work/life balance that it became a conversation worth having. At that point in our lives, we finally had everything else worked out to where we were in a good place and felt we could take it on together. I was lucky that I was able to conceive without intervention and had a healthy baby at 43. She has been a wonderful blessing for both of us and she has brought so much fun to our lives. Parenting is a lot of work too, but we both knew that going in. Looking back, I know that for us then it would have been the wrong choice to have a child when we were broke, living hand to mouth and working so much in our 20's and 30's. It would have been very hard on us and very hard on our kid too. I also know that it was the right choice for us to have one when we did. In hindsight, I'm glad that we didn't make any permanent decisions when we were younger because I did change my mind later on and I never ever thought I would. It's such a personal thing. Because we waited so long, you can believe I had heard it all from pretty much every corner of my life. People just didn't DO that! Ugh. Whatever. I can't believe that people are so willing to poke their noses in where they don't belong and make comments like that these days, but I'm sure they still do. I couldn't believe how many people said something to me about having another one when our DD was 2-3. Seriously? I was over 45 by then and had had a somewhat difficult pregnancy the first go round. Why would I ever volunteer to go through that again? Thanks, but no, I'm really good with just one! (And I'm sure people think that is selfish too, ugh. Sometimes you can't win no matter what you do.) Bottom line is that each couple knows themselves and their situation best and so they will know in their heart what the right choice is FOR THEM. They should go with that regardless of what anyone else says.
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