|
Post by refupea on Jul 25, 2016 18:08:51 GMT
My niece has turned to me for advice and sharing on my (Our; my husband and I) decision not to have children. While I value all of The Peas opinions, for this post, I would truly appreciate those only from The Peas who have made this choice.
Here is what my niece wrote:
I'm struggling about whether or not to have kids. <Niece's husband> feels the decision is ultimately mine, and would love our life either way. I don't feel I'd be missing or lacking anything if I never had them. How did you come to the decision? Have you ever regretted it? What would you say now to 30 year old <self>? (Or 30 year old <niece>?) 😉 any advice either positive or not is very much appreciated.
I will share this post with her (She is not a Pea) and sincerely thank each of you in advance for anything you would like to share.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 8:57:31 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2016 18:17:03 GMT
I chose not to have children. I had a long career in child care and education which I enjoyed greatly but it made me realise that I didn't want children of my own. Call me selfish or whatever but I liked my freedom, going out, having money to spend on myself etc. I met and married a man much younger than myself and we talked a lot about children and he agreed that as a couple 'we' didn't want them. I have never regretted my choice, I would not have been a good mother, I know that for sure in my heart. I am not lacking anything and I hate that implication. I did fall pregnant once (by accident) and it ended with a miscarriage. Although at the time it was difficult I don't regret that either.
|
|
gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,078
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
|
Post by gsquaredmom on Jul 25, 2016 18:19:22 GMT
I have kids, but I think she should know that any decision she makes today can be changed (although permanent sterilization may not be reversible). She can change her mind in a few years. It may not be right now, but it might be later.
I do sometimes wish I had 1-2 more, but I don't regret stopping at the two we felt we could manage. And I did go through several years of not ever wanting kids to wanting them.
|
|
|
Post by refupea on Jul 25, 2016 18:38:57 GMT
I chose not to have children. I had a long career in child care and education which I enjoyed greatly but it made me realise that I didn't want children of my own. Call me selfish or whatever but I liked my freedom, going out, having money to spend on myself etc. I met and married a man much younger than myself and we talked a lot about children and he agreed that as a couple 'we' didn't want them. I have never regretted my choice, I would not have been a good mother, I know that for sure in my heart. I am not lacking anything and I hate that implication. I did fall pregnant once (by accident) and it ended with a miscarriage. Although at the time it was difficult I don't regret that either. Thank you for sharing. I did not take my niece's questions and comments as implying anything to those of us who have made the choice to not have children. I'm sorry if that offended you.
|
|
|
Post by refupea on Jul 25, 2016 18:40:02 GMT
I have kids, but I think she should know that any decision she makes today can be changed (although permanent sterilization may not be reversible). She can change her mind in a few years. It may not be right now, but it might be later. I do sometimes wish I had 1-2 more, but I don't regret stopping at the two we felt we could manage. And I did go through several years of not ever wanting kids to wanting them. Thank you for sharing your experience!
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 8:57:31 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2016 18:47:50 GMT
I chose not to have children. I had a long career in child care and education which I enjoyed greatly but it made me realise that I didn't want children of my own. Call me selfish or whatever but I liked my freedom, going out, having money to spend on myself etc. I met and married a man much younger than myself and we talked a lot about children and he agreed that as a couple 'we' didn't want them. I have never regretted my choice, I would not have been a good mother, I know that for sure in my heart. I am not lacking anything and I hate that implication. I did fall pregnant once (by accident) and it ended with a miscarriage. Although at the time it was difficult I don't regret that either. Thank you for sharing. I did not take my niece's questions and comments as implying anything to those of us who have made the choice to not have children. I'm sorry if that offended you.I'm not offended, it just seems to be the general consensus that women who aren't mothers must be lacking something and it couldn't be further from the truth.
|
|
Mystie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,299
Jun 25, 2014 19:53:37 GMT
|
Post by Mystie on Jul 25, 2016 18:50:17 GMT
30 was the only age where I questioned my decision not to have kids. I think it was because seemingly everyone I knew was procreating, and I felt kind of left out! And 30 is sort of a threshold age, where you feel like you need to start, if you're going to start, although of course that's not strictly true. But 30 felt like a threshold to me.
I never really wanted kids, never saw myself as a mom. I am the oldest in my family, and the oldest grandchild of many. I spent years tending to kids in one way or another, and while I love kids, I never felt like having my own was a good idea. I need a lot of alone quiet time, and I have some hereditary mental health problems that I really did not want to pass along to yet another generation. Fortunately, my husband was not keen on having kids, either, and is happy we did not.
Looking back, I would tell my 30-year-old self that my instincts are absolutely correct and that someday I would be 45 years old and watching all my friends really struggle with those cute babies who grew up to be teens and young adults with big problems and worries. I'm gladder than ever that my husband and I chose to be childless.
|
|
|
Post by refupea on Jul 25, 2016 18:55:04 GMT
30 was the only age where I questioned my decision not to have kids. I think it was because seemingly everyone I knew was procreating, and I felt kind of left out! And 30 is sort of a threshold age, where you feel like you need to start, if you're going to start, although of course that's not strictly true. But 30 felt like a threshold to me. I never really wanted kids, never saw myself as a mom. I am the oldest in my family, and the oldest grandchild of many. I spent years tending to kids in one way or another, and while I love kids, I never felt like having my own was a good idea. I need a lot of alone quiet time, and I have some hereditary mental health problems that I really did not want to pass along to yet another generation. Fortunately, my husband was not keen on having kids, either, and is happy we did not. Looking back, I would tell my 30-year-old self that my instincts are absolutely correct and that someday I would be 45 years old and watching all my friends really struggle with those cute babies who grew up to be teens and young adults with big problems and worries. I'm gladder than ever that my husband and I chose to be childless. Thank you for sharing! I love hearing how happy you and your husband are!!!
|
|
|
Post by KikiPea on Jul 25, 2016 18:55:48 GMT
We do not have children, and we are in our 40's. We didn't really make an official decision not to have them, but I don't regret that we don't. I enjoy dedicating all of my time, and efforts to my marriage. I like that we can do what we want to, whenever we want to, and being able to spend time making sure our relationship is where it should be. I think our relationship would suffer if we had kids.
ETA: I've been told that I would have made a good mom, but I'm not sure I feel that way. I like our freedoms too much.
|
|
|
Post by Sparki on Jul 25, 2016 19:05:09 GMT
I'm about to turn 40. I have chosen to not have children. I've never regretted it, and in fact, am glad that I didn't have children when I was younger. If I had children, I'm sure I would love them, but I'm happy that I don't have them. I've always felt that if I had an urge to 'mother' I would become a foster parent. The urge hasn't hit me, though.
|
|
|
Post by refupea on Jul 25, 2016 19:09:19 GMT
We do not have children, and we are in our 40's. We didn't really make an official decision not to have them, but I don't regret that we don't. I enjoy dedicating all of my time, and efforts to my marriage. I like that we can do what we want to, whenever we want to, and being able to spend time making sure our relationship is where it should be. I think our relationship would suffer if we had kids. ETA: I've been told that I would have made a good mom, but I'm not sure I feel that way. I like our freedoms too much. It is interesting to hear you say you think your relationship would have suffered if you had children. My husband and I have discussed this very topic. I'm glad you are happy with your decision, thank you for sharing and continue to enjoy your "freedom"!
|
|
|
Post by refupea on Jul 25, 2016 19:10:45 GMT
I'm about to turn 40. I have chosen to not have children. I've never regretted it, and in fact, am glad that I didn't have children when I was younger. If I had children, I'm sure I would love them, but I'm happy that I don't have them. I've always felt that if I had an urge to 'mother' I would become a foster parent. The urge hasn't hit me, though. Thank you for sharing!
|
|
|
Post by Woobster on Jul 25, 2016 19:12:11 GMT
I'm 37 (DH is 36) and we don't have kids. DH said he would be happy either way, and for me, it simply came down to the fact that I never had that urge to be a mom. My biological clock has never ticked... In fact, I'm not even sure I have one. Being a mother has never been one of those things on my life long "To Do" list. I have mad respect for those who do become moms though. It's not a job for sissies, that's for sure! I absolutely LOVE being an aunt. I have three nephews and a niece that I adore spending time with and I get to spoil them as much as I want. I would do anything I possibly could for any one of them... But, I'm glad that they aren't mine. Some of us were meant to be moms and some of us weren't. And either way... It's perfectly ok!
|
|
christinec68
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,129
Location: New York, NY
Jun 26, 2014 18:02:19 GMT
|
Post by christinec68 on Jul 25, 2016 19:18:48 GMT
I chose not to have children early in my 20s. I don't remember ever wanting to have them, I didn't want to give birth and I was never really around kids until I was older so I never thought I missed anything. Part of it was because I didn't think I could teach a baby/child to do EVERYTHING. Eat, talk, walk, read never mind teaching them the things that make up their character & personalities. The other part is that I didn't really want to do any of those things. This was something DH & I agreed on 100%. He didn't want to have children for different reasons. I never regretted the decision and I love our life together. Luckily, I only came across two people who felt the need to comment on my choice. One person said I would change my mind once I met the right man, because I need a man to help come to my senses. Another person said she didn't understand not wanting children and why bother getting married. ETA I could steal Woobster 's response. I give parents mad respect...it's a tough job. And I LOVE being an aunt. My niece & nephew mean the world to me and I have so much fun with them. So much so, my mother actually thought I regretted my choice to not have kids.
|
|
back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
Posts: 3,149
Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
|
Post by back to *pea*ality on Jul 25, 2016 19:27:10 GMT
Not every woman has a burning desire to have children. I never had "baby fever". I did want to have a child, but only after I had achieved some life goals. I had a medical issue and my doctor said there was a possibility that I could not have children and should try to conceive right away. I had not yet met my husband. When I felt the time was right which happened to be 7+ years later, my age and medical issue stacked the odds against me. I got pregnant on the first try. I was not able to get pregnant again. I didn't know what my path was going to be in regard to motherhood. I feel that for me having my son was part of "my plan". I did resent the outside pressure and questions from people who would ask me why I didn't have children. I felt it was a private matter between myself and my husband. Then they would ask why I didn't have more. Again, a private matter between me and my husband and 2 peas refugees
|
|
scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
Jul 8, 2014 20:17:31 GMT
|
Post by scrapaddie on Jul 25, 2016 19:31:51 GMT
I don't know if this is helpful, but it is another point of view. I very much wanted to have children and, thankfully, I was blessed with one, but never able to have another. My dd and her husband talked of the time when they would have kids and I really looked forward to being a grandma. But as that time approached, they changed their minds, deciding to not to have children. It was heartbreaking for me and I was honest about that. But I also told them that if they did not want to have a child, then that was the right decision for them. It is so sad to see children born to parents who are not interested in parenting! My granchild is a Bassett hound.
|
|
scrappington
Pearl Clutcher
in Canada
Posts: 3,139
Jun 26, 2014 14:43:10 GMT
|
Post by scrappington on Jul 25, 2016 19:36:14 GMT
I don't think it's self fish not to have children. I don't like children. I didn't like kids when I was a kid
But I do feel it's a couples decision. I have made it quite clear in my relationships that children were not an option. If they were unsure or had maybe thought about it. Then we shouldn't be together. It's not fair for me to take away fatherhood from someone. And I didn't want to be resented later. Your niece is still young and can change her mind.
Mine wasn't a decision I came to. It was an always thing.
|
|
craftykitten
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,304
Jun 26, 2014 7:39:32 GMT
|
Post by craftykitten on Jul 25, 2016 19:38:20 GMT
I don't know if this is helpful, but it is another point of view. I very much wanted to have children and, thankfully, I was blessed with one, but never able to have another. My dd and her husband talked of the time when they would have kids and I really looked forward to being a grandma. But as that time approached, they changed their minds, deciding to not to have children. It was heartbreaking for me and I was honest about that. But I also told them that if they did not want to have a child, then that was the right decision for them. It is so sad to see children born to parents who are not interested in parenting! My granchild is a Bassett hound. I think this is important...the weight of parental expectations to become grandparents. It is her and her husband's choice, no one else. And they are not responsible for anyone else's experiences. OH and I are not able to have children and we are both (mostly) comfortable with this. My biggest challenge is the feeling of disappointing my mom because I know that she would love to be a grandmother. But I am not responsible for her happiness in this, or any other way. The other thing that has been said to me is 'who is going to look after you when you're old.' There are two responses to this: one, that there is no guarantee your children would want or be able to do this for you anyway. The second is that if you are having children as some kind of future care plan, I personally don't think this is a good enough reason.
|
|
|
Post by mrsovy on Jul 25, 2016 19:38:57 GMT
I am 43, and have known all my life that I didn't want children of my own. My husband is exactly the same, I wouldn't of married him if he wanted kids. I too have had the "why get married if you don't want kids" question, along with comments like "you'll regret it when you get old & there is no one to look after you" and "your biological clock will start ticking and by then you will be too old to have kids".
I was 31 when I went to my doctor to ask about sterilisation, he told me I was too young to make such a decision, to go away & have a couple of kids then go back to him if I still wanted to go ahead! Needless to say I didn't take his advice or go back to see him, in fact I changed doctors.
It's a personal choice, and no one should be made to feel ashamed for deciding not to have children. I made the right choice for me and definitely don't have any regrets, if I got to live my life over again I would make the same decision.
|
|
tuesdaysgone
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,832
Jun 26, 2014 18:26:03 GMT
|
Post by tuesdaysgone on Jul 25, 2016 19:42:22 GMT
Way back in our dating days, my DH and I discussed the idea of not having children. Like others said here, I just never had an overwhelming desire to have my own and fortunately DH felt the same. Now in my early 50s, I have never regretted our decision. I've had a rich and rewarding life. We have shared and alone hobbies and travel a lot. I know moms/dads can do these things too...it's just different without children.
I've worked in an elementary school for 20+ years and enjoy being around kids, but I must admit I love coming home to just my DH and the cats.
|
|
|
Post by anxiousmom on Jul 25, 2016 19:50:02 GMT
I know you said only those who chose to have children, and I do have them...but it was a funny choice. I never really wanted them but somewhere about 29 I noticed that everyone around me was getting pregnant. My now ex and I kind of looked at each other, shrugged and said 'fine, let's see what happens.' Turns out, I was one of those people that got pregnant just being in the same room with someone who was thinking about it.
Once it happened, I was okay with it, and have since come to the opinion that it was one of those blessings in disguise, but I have to tell you, if it weren't for the peer pressure of all of our friends getting knocked up we never would have had kids.
And I will be brutally honest here, the minute my ex and I got confirmation of me being pregnant, our relationship changed and not for the better. My youngest is only two years younger than my oldest and by the time I was six months pregnant with him I was on my way to a divorce. My ex was NOT ready for children and how they changed his life and ate into his freedom. We both went into it kind of iffy about that the whole thing, but while I figured I would embrace parenthood, he went the opposite direction. He loves his kids, but for many, many years, he appreciated that he was not the primary caregiver without the day to day responsibility of having to change his life to accommodate children.
It is definitely the age where it happens for a lot of people-as someone else said, a milestone that is reached and a good bit of your life choices get scrutinized and re-evaluated. I wouldn't dream of making a judgement call about someone who decides or who doesn't have kids. It is not a decision to be taken lightly and isn't for everyone. I will be the first to attest how sometimes having children isn't always full of happy happy joy joy and while I wouldn't change having the boys as a part of my life, having children really did turn my world upside down.
|
|
tiffanytwisted
Pearl Clutcher
you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave
Posts: 4,538
Jun 26, 2014 15:57:39 GMT
|
Post by tiffanytwisted on Jul 25, 2016 19:53:31 GMT
I have 2 children and they are by far the best things that have ever happened to me.
That being said, it is definitely not for everyone (I know a few people who truly struggle w/parenting) and being able to recognize that having children isn't for you is the furthest thing from selfish.
My sister & her husband chose not to have children and it couldn't have been a better decision for them. My sister tends to be a worrier. I am not exaggerating when I tell you she worries more about my kids than I do. She is the type of person who would lose sleep over every little thing. By the time her child was in middle school, she would either have an ulcer or be medicated. I'm only slightly exaggerating here. While she is a terrific aunt - warm, loving, supportive & always able to talk to the kids, she would have made herself (and her children) crazy. I won't say she would have been a terrible mother, but it truly just wasn't for her. The constant worrying would have taken all the joy out of motherhood. I give her credit for knowing that about herself. I also commend her husband for knowing it wasn't for him either. Again, a great uncle, but a man who likes his toys. He knew enough about himself to know that like my sister, parenting just wasn't for him. I have always respected them both for knowing what the right thing was for them and not doing what some people think is expected of you.
My long-winded point is to tell your niece that only she & her husband can (and should) make this decision for themselves. And whatever they choose, as long as they know in their hearts that it feels right, then it will be right.
They have a lot to think about, and I wish them luck!
|
|
|
Post by lancermom on Jul 25, 2016 20:01:28 GMT
I will look at other side. I did not want to have kids, but got pregnant. I was not happy, but after awhile I got excited. I have never had the urge to have a baby. We do have three now. (Reasons for another time!). I have never held a baby and wanted one for my own. I didn't play dolls, collected, never played. I played baseball and matchbox cars. I can't say exactly how I would feel, but had I not had children, I don't feel I would be in want. I love my kids, don't get me wrong. I have just never had the urge or motherly instincts people talk about.
|
|
schizo319
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,030
Jun 28, 2014 0:26:58 GMT
|
Post by schizo319 on Jul 25, 2016 20:01:52 GMT
My situation is a little different from the norm. I found myself pregnant (by my now husband) at 17. We chose to place our child for adoption. I had never really seen myself as a mother, and once the adoption was finalized, I didn't feel right about bringing another child into the world that I was going to keep. I've never regretted it, and I think I'd tell my 30 year old self - "It's YOUR life, do what YOU want".
|
|
|
Post by bc2ca on Jul 25, 2016 20:17:07 GMT
When DH & I discussed having kids we decided that we wanted at least one but weren't going to go to any great length to make it happen. We have a group of friends that deliberately decided to remain childless. They get their child fix (if they want one) through friends and family, but none have ever regretted the decision to not have their own. If anything, watching some of us go through the loss of spontaneity and challenges of parenting at different phases has reinforced their decision . Not having kids has allowed them to make lifestyle choices they would not have been able to make if kids were in the picture.
|
|
|
Post by rainangel on Jul 25, 2016 20:25:04 GMT
Another one here that never had a burning desire for kids. But when I fell pregnant the mother in me sure woke up! My parents even questioed what kind of mother I would become as I had NEVER shown any interest in kids. Or ever played house, or played with dolls. I pretty much avoided kids if I could.
I completely understand the lack of need to become a parent. But still, becoming a parent was the best thing that ever happened to me. To ME! But I think I would have lived a happy life without children aswell, because the mother in me didn't come alive until I pretty much had the baby in my arms.
Everyone needs to figure out on their own what will be the right decision for them. I thought living a child-free life would be my path. Turns out life had a different plan for me. And I love every single messy, noisy moment of it.
|
|
|
Post by Really Red on Jul 25, 2016 20:28:54 GMT
I will never ever understand why anyone has to comment on such a personal decision. I hope (and it sounds like) your niece is asking just to be sure that people who make that decision don't come to regret it years later.
I do have kids. It was right for me. I know TONS of very, very happy people who are older without kids.
The only people about whom I am critical are the ones with kids who say you should have them and the ones without who comment on how kids should be raised. Hah.
|
|
|
Post by Meri-Lyn on Jul 25, 2016 20:30:12 GMT
My reasoning is probably different than some others. I came from an abusive home. There is also a strong history of mental illness. That was something I did not want to pass to a child. I knew this pretty early on, probably late teens. If the urge did strike, I would probably consider adoption, but it never did. It just wasn't my thing.
Dh had different reasons, mostly about being independent, and not wanting to be tied down, etc., etc. We are happy with the decision. We want to have financial freedom, the ability to travel, having our own space.
My advice? Trust your gut. It usually won't lead you wrong.
|
|
|
Post by crimsoncat05 on Jul 25, 2016 20:42:08 GMT
Honestly, I don't think the decision to have children / not have children is anyone else's business, anyway!! My standard answer to 'do you have kids?' is 'we have dogs and cats' and that's all I say. I don't need to justify my / our decision to anyone else.
But, if she wants some information from other people who have made the decision:
for me, it was more of a 'never the right time / situation' sort of thing. By the time I met my BF (we've been together now for almost 13 years) I was on the older side of the age range, since we met when I was 36. Although I would have wanted kids if the circumstances had worked out, they just never did.
And by the time I met my BF and we decided it was 'the real thing,' we came to the realization that we like our life the way it is with just the two of us. At that age (mid-30s) we were into our careers, etc. and neither of us had a 'burning desire' (don't know what else to call it) to have / raise children. We both have a number of personal reasons that led us to realize we probably wouldn't be great parents, anyway.
We have our dogs and cats, we both have personal hobbies, we travel, we visit family, etc. and we're good with that.
ETA: I have also had a couple health issues that made it impossible to have children, anyway... can I say I never have a pang of regret now and then about not having kids? No- sometimes, I do think about it, but only in a general sense- but so much of my life would have had to be different for that to have worked out, it's not worth regretting. I like the life I have, and I like the life we have together. I'd rather not think about 'what might have been.'
|
|
|
Post by papersilly on Jul 25, 2016 20:43:23 GMT
the choice was never a struggle for me. from the time I got married, I liked the quiet life that DH and I had. when our nieces came along, we enjoyed their childhood years without the physical and financial commitment of actual parenthood. there was a time the DH wanted to have children but as the years passed, he realized it just wasn't for us. we have a good marriage and enjoy our time together. we like to come and go as please and to indulge ourselves with things we would not otherwise be able to afford if we had kids. do not feel there is a void in our life nor that we missed out on anything. 25 years later, we are okay with our decision.
|
|