johnnysmom
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Apr 14, 2017 16:08:54 GMT
Do you take your kids to the funerals of distant family?
I'm going to my cousin's funeral tonight (my kids didn't know her, oldest probably met her a couple of times but wouldn't remember her)and dh is staying home with the kids. I know I'm gonna catch grief from my mother for not bringing them but I just don't feel it's appropriate for kids to attend unless they're close to the family. I know my one sister will bring her 8 kids and my other sister is coming from out of town so her two kids will be there, not sure about my brother yet I so may be the only one who feels this way. My kids are old enough (6yo is pretty well behaved, the older is 15) but I still don't think it's appropriate.
Anyhow, just wondering if I'm alone on this one.
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Deleted
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Apr 30, 2024 5:13:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2017 16:15:01 GMT
I wouldn't for someone they didn't know. Disclaimer:- I'm not close to any of my cousins and not really any of my family so that may colour my opinion.
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sueg
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Apr 12, 2016 12:51:01 GMT
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Post by sueg on Apr 14, 2017 16:18:19 GMT
I would probably take the 15YO and leave the 6YO home. By 15, I think they are old enough to understand what is going on, and to begin to learn that there are times when you do things out of respect/duty, even if you really don't want to do them. From a personal perspective, I know my younger sister has always felt a bit resentful that she was not allowed to come to her grandfather's funeral when she was 8 - the 3 older siblings (11, 12, 14) went, but she had to stay home with the babysitter.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Apr 14, 2017 16:24:00 GMT
Yes. Although I will say - I don't consider a cousin distant family. I think funerals are an integral part of a family. It's a time for people to come together to support the grieving relatives. It's not really about the person who has died. My husband's aunt died last year - and yes we brought our children to her funeral even though they did not have a close relationship with her. She lived in a different state and they probably met her 3-4 times. We were there to support my MIL - who's sister just died. It was important for HER, for us to be there. I also think it's actually hugely beneficial to attend a funeral for someone you are not personally grieving before having to do it for a close family members. To me there is nothing more appropriate than family attending a funeral.
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Post by magentapea on Apr 14, 2017 16:24:29 GMT
I'm of the opposite camp. I brought my kids (ages 2/3) to their great aunt's funeral. They had only met her a few times, but I wanted them to have the experience of a funeral when it wasn't someone that we were very close to. I figured that if their first experience was when DH and I were distraught, it would be harder for them to cope. Thankfully, (strange to say it that way, but I hope you understand what I mean), when my brother passed suddenly two years later, they understood what was happening and weren't frightened or traumatized by everyone's grief.
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Post by bc2ca on Apr 14, 2017 16:30:52 GMT
I might take my kids to a Celebration of Life style memorial, but would not take them to a religious funeral service. A fifteen year old can decide if they want to come or not IMHO.
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Post by just PEAchy on Apr 14, 2017 16:34:31 GMT
I brought my kids to my cousin's funeral. They were 10, 13, & 15. They had only met her a few times, but they knew that we were close and that she was important to me. We had to travel to the funeral, so they really did need to come with me. Funerals are a part of life and I thought it was important for them to learn about them and about paying respects and saying final goodbyes.
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River
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Jun 26, 2014 15:26:04 GMT
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Post by River on Apr 14, 2017 16:35:49 GMT
When it comes to distant relatives, I do bring my 3 children. To me, that is the better place for them to learn about funerals, respect and apply manners and condolences. If you wait until they are close to the relative, grief can consume them. I did not take them when they were babies because of crying and disruption, but once they were old enough to be well behaved, they came with me. We mainly just did viewing/visitation the night before for distant relatives though and visitation and funeral for closer family/friends.
We had to go out of state for a funeral a few weeks ago and my boys where the talk. My two older boys (16, 19) took it upon themselves to be by my aunts side through all of it. They held her arm at the elbow when walking, went to her in an instant if it looked like she wanted something and brought her water several times. I was one proud mamma! She wrote me a wonderful note to tell me how thankful she was to have their physical support and strength by her side the whole time.
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Peal
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Jun 25, 2014 22:45:40 GMT
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Post by Peal on Apr 14, 2017 16:36:36 GMT
My kids, 19, 15, and 12, have never attended a funeral. When my grandfather died, we lived in Europe and only I made the trip. When my grandmother died we were unable to travel at the time. My other 2 grandparents died well before I had children.
There have been no other deaths in the family that we were close enough to to attend the funeral. Or close family friends. My kids could very well all be into adulthood before any of them attend a funeral. I remember attending the odd funeral of classmates, and elderly relatives. Their lives have thus far been almost entirely untouched by death. My parents are still fairly young, and I'm starting to suspect my in laws might be immortal.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Apr 14, 2017 16:45:03 GMT
I have always taken my kids to funerals. But now in hindsight I wish I didn't have to when they were younger. My son was about 4 or 5 years old when my aunt died. I had no childcare so I had to take him. I kept my kids out ofnthe room where the visitation was but took them inside the chapel for the funeral service. My son walked right up to my dad and said papa your sister looks like a zombie. Seriously I wanted to fall right through the floor.
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Deleted
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Apr 30, 2024 5:13:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2017 16:59:09 GMT
In your situation, I would not take the children unless one or all wanted to go. If it were their grandparent, that is different...they would go. My children did not attend a funeral until they were 14 and 16 when my son's friend was killed in car crash. My son was part of the funeral and it was horrible. Until then they did not have any friends or family die.
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Post by Tammiem2pnc1 on Apr 14, 2017 17:15:55 GMT
Not for someone they really don't know. When I was in first grade our school principal died of cancer. I can still very vividly remember his viewing and having to walk past his casket. I was really too young to really comprehend what was going on. Now when my MIL passed away a few years ago, YDS was 3 and ODS was 8. She was cremated, but we still had a service for her and obviously the boys were there.
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Post by refugeepea on Apr 14, 2017 17:21:51 GMT
If they didn't know the cousin, I don't see the point. I am not opposed to taking children to funerals when they are young. Death happens. As long as they are respectful. My youngest kid will never go to one (special needs)!
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Post by myshelly on Apr 14, 2017 17:26:36 GMT
No.
I would struggle with whether to take them to a funeral for someone they were close to, no way I would take them to a funeral for someone they didn't know.
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Post by workingclassdog on Apr 14, 2017 17:30:37 GMT
I don't think it is appropriate or inappropriate for this situation. I think it is whatever you think. I have taken my kids to one funeral when they were younger and it was to a child's funeral, but the parents requested that the friends attended. So we did. It was nothing traumatic or anything to them, I doubt they even remember going.
For a relative they didn't know.... I would just say it is up to you. If it was me, I probably wouldn't either. They wouldn't want to go and why fight it. If it was someone they did know I would say they should go unless they had some kind of real hang up about death and dying, then I would just take each situation as it comes.
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Post by refugeepea on Apr 14, 2017 17:46:27 GMT
Yes. Although I will say - I don't consider a cousin distant family. I do in terms of relationships. I have over 90 first cousins. Distant family? technically no. Any sort of relationship with them or their parents for my entire life? No. I would only attend the funeral of cousins that I knew. Or if I was close with their parents. Like when 2 of my second cousins died. I wouldn't expect my kids to go when they have no relationship with any of the people involved. If I was needing emotional support and asked, they would go with me. They have already dealt with the death of 6 great grandparents, 1 grandfather, and a couple of well loved people. They understand funerals.
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Post by giatocj on Apr 14, 2017 17:48:02 GMT
In that instance, no, I wouldn't.
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johnnysmom
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Apr 14, 2017 17:56:13 GMT
Ok, so it's kinda a toss up, fair enough. My mom wants the kids there for appearance, she wants everyone to see her fairytale family Ods has been to a funeral for an aunt that he knew, he is sick so won't be going tonight regardless and he opted not to go to a classmate's funeral yesterday (he barely knew him so I didn't press it). Yds has not been to any funerals however he would go for a close relative.
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likescarrots
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Aug 16, 2014 17:52:53 GMT
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Post by likescarrots on Apr 14, 2017 18:13:11 GMT
I think it's fine for kids to go to funerals but I don't think it's necessary or see any reason for your children to go, since they didn't know the person that died.
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Kerri W
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Jun 25, 2014 20:31:44 GMT
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Post by Kerri W on Apr 14, 2017 18:26:49 GMT
I have a different perspective I guess.
If my kids knew the person and wanted to go, then I'm fine with them going once they're beyond toddlerhood and can be expected to behave. We would have an age appropriate discussion about behavior, what to expect of the other people there, what they might see, etc.
If they did not know the person then I would not take them. *For me* it's disrespectful to those who are grieving to use this as a lesson or time to train your child in appropriate behavior. Their loved one has just passed away. That and only that should be my focus, not whether or not my child has experienced their first funeral. It doesn't matter how old you are or how many funerals you have experienced, there is no real way to prepare and it's always going to be an emotional experience. It's not something one needs to practice IMO.
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Post by Basket1lady on Apr 14, 2017 18:43:52 GMT
I did take my kids when they were younger because of my experience. I'd been to a funeral of a second cousin when I was 15ish, then my mother's funeral when I was 22. As strange as it t sounds, I'm glad her funeral wasn't the first one I attended. At least I knew what to expect.
I wouldn't take a child who I knew wouldn't be quiet.
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Post by monklady123 on Apr 14, 2017 18:49:38 GMT
I might take my kids to a Celebration of Life style memorial, but would not take them to a religious funeral service. A fifteen year old can decide if they want to come or not IMHO. Just curious why you wouldn't take your kids to a "religious funeral service"? In my denomination (Presbyterian -- PCUSA) we call them a "celebration of the life of so-and-so" or "a service in witness to the resurrection". So I'm not sure I understand your differentiation between a "celebration of life" and a "religious funeral service". We mostly don't use the word "funeral" but other than that it's pretty "religious".
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Post by myshelly on Apr 14, 2017 18:57:56 GMT
I might take my kids to a Celebration of Life style memorial, but would not take them to a religious funeral service. A fifteen year old can decide if they want to come or not IMHO. Just curious why you wouldn't take your kids to a "religious funeral service"? In my denomination (Presbyterian -- PCUSA) we call them a "celebration of the life of so-and-so" or "a service in witness to the resurrection". So I'm not sure I understand your differentiation between a "celebration of life" and a "religious funeral service". We mostly don't use the word "funeral" but other than that it's pretty "religious". I wouldn't take my kids to a religious service because they are incredibly impersonal to me. The preacher/whatever you call it in your denomination goes on and on and on preaching as if it's a church service and he's just doing his regular sermon. And then there's a lot of focus on the whole crucifixion thing, which I'm not down with and don't want my kids exposed to. At least that's how every church funeral I've ever been to is like. A celebration of life is actually about the person instead of being just another opportunity for a church service. It's like the church hijacks what should be a family oriented celebration of memories of the person.
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Mary Kay Lady
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Post by Mary Kay Lady on Apr 14, 2017 19:22:11 GMT
Personally, I'd take them and use it as a teachable moment. They need to learn that death and funerals are a part of life. Then need to learn how to act in these situations.
I'd do lots of talking about what it might be like, some people might be sad, etc.
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paigepea
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Post by paigepea on Apr 14, 2017 19:28:47 GMT
If your kids didn't know the cousin I wouldn't bring them to the funeral but I'd bring them back to the house (of that is what you do).
We had a recent funeral. My mom's best friend's mother passed away and I regret not taking my girls (11,8). Dh didn't want them to go because it wasn't a family member and they've never been to a funeral (lucky them) and I respected his wishes but our families are close and in retrospect I wish they'd come. In Judaism we have a service wvwry evening at the house for a week and I brought my girls every night.
In your case, if the kids didn't know cousin or cousin's family I wouldn't bring them. If they know cousin's family and can help provide comfort just by being there then I would bring them.
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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Apr 14, 2017 19:31:23 GMT
For a cousin, I could go either way. I do think it is important for kids to be exposed to death, and there is some value in experiencing it with someone who is not extremely close to the child. I also think children at funerals can help the adults sometimes - seeing the continuity of life and the next generation in the wings...or just providing a welcome distraction from the harsh reality of the day. Our family funerals are also mini-family reunions, so even if I didn't bring my child to the funeral itself, they would most likely be included in the feast after the funeral.
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scrapngranny
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Post by scrapngranny on Apr 14, 2017 19:39:38 GMT
I wouldn't take them to a funeral for some one they didn't know.
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Post by littlemama on Apr 14, 2017 19:41:24 GMT
Funerals aren't about the deceased, they are about the living. I would think your entire family would go to this funeral, with your DH possibly taking the 6 year old out if he/she gets restless.
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Post by Linda on Apr 14, 2017 19:47:00 GMT
I think it's personal decision. We've had way too many funerals recently.
My girls (10 and 16) did attend their Grammy's funeral in Aug - she was cremated so it was a memorial service. She had lived with us and I felt it was important.
They did not attend their Great Aunt's a year ago March - my older daughter isn't at ALL comfortable with funerals/deaths/hospitals etc... and I didn't feel the younger one needed to attend. So we left them both home and I used the little one as the excuse. They did join us for the after-funeral get together.
Their Aunt only had a get-together (Nov 15) not an actual service so they were at that.
Thinking back to the other Aunt and two Uncles - I don't think we brought the girls to those. Well, the one uncle we did and regreted it - in part because it turned into an altar call (we're Catholic - the preacher was Southern Baptist) and in part because the older girl (she was 12) was just so uncomfortable and miserable at being there
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Post by monklady123 on Apr 14, 2017 19:56:35 GMT
Just curious why you wouldn't take your kids to a "religious funeral service"? In my denomination (Presbyterian -- PCUSA) we call them a "celebration of the life of so-and-so" or "a service in witness to the resurrection". So I'm not sure I understand your differentiation between a "celebration of life" and a "religious funeral service". We mostly don't use the word "funeral" but other than that it's pretty "religious". I wouldn't take my kids to a religious service because they are incredibly impersonal to me. The preacher/whatever you call it in your denomination goes on and on and on preaching as if it's a church service and he's just doing his regular sermon. And then there's a lot of focus on the whole crucifixion thing, which I'm not down with and don't want my kids exposed to. At least that's how every church funeral I've ever been to is like. A celebration of life is actually about the person instead of being just another opportunity for a church service. It's like the church hijacks what should be a family oriented celebration of memories of the person. I'm sorry that this has been your experience. You should hang around with more Presbyterians. Although other denominations are like that also...I just went to an Episcopal memorial (no body) service that was all about the family and memories. Also, we don't do the "crucifixion thing" in most Protestant churches -- that's why we have the empty cross. Now there's a whole discussion that could happen, why one or the other (crucifix or plain cross) should hang in a church. lol
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