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Post by llinin on May 14, 2017 19:03:03 GMT
This may be long, apologies in advance. I have had the same best friend for almost 30 years. We will call her Lisa.
I married a man older than me, about the same time she married a guy way younger, so my husband is old enough to be his dad. We are pretty happy and are homebodies but go do what we want when we want, no drama, my husband is a great guy. They have money issues and go out drinking every weekend and have lots of drama and fighting about money, drinking, and tons of other things. They have made lots of friends at these clubs, some who are not so savory. So, we don't hang out as couples ever, but me and her meet for lunch or breakfast or go to a concert here and there. When something bad happens, we both drop everything and are there for the other one.
I finally got my BSN this weekend after being an RN for over 20 years. She brought up coming to my pinning ceremony and I told her it was no big deal that she was working out of town. She was upset that it was at 2pm on Friday. I told her no worries, but she kept going on about missing it. I told her my husband was doing a little party thing on Saturday she was welcome to come to. So then she kept saying she couldn't believe he hadn't invited her, she is family, blah blah. So my husband texted Lisa that very night and explained he had only invited the family but didn't mean to exclude her, they texted back and forth and she was coming. This was two weeks ago.
I told him then she will say she is coming but she wouldn't be here for the party. He thought I was nuts, she was so adamant and over the top about getting invited, all that, of course she would be here. I know their weekends revolve around their party friends and their party plans and I knew she wouldn't be here. Since then, she has been so excited for me. She texted Friday night that she was so sad she missed pinning, couldn't wait for Saturday.
So obviously you see where this is going. Yesterday comes, and maybe an hour before the party, she messages me. She forgot it was her MIL's birthday and they had to go see her and had box seats at a local game last night with a group of people (from the local club). Would I be mad or hurt if she didn't come?
I responded back "No worries! Have fun with your MIL and your friends. TTYL  " instead of fuck off, which was my first thought.
She then responds back with a lengthy message about her and her husband arguing about it, it is her husband's fault, she had time but he says she didn't, drama drama drama. So I once again bit my tongue and copied and pasted my first reply again.
She can be very manipulative and doesn't like to take responsibility for things so she has been known to spin very elaborate stories to deflect. She usually doesn't pull it with me because I can see right through it and have called her out before. I didn't have the time or inclination to make her feel better about not coming, especially since I knew it was a bullshit story. She had all day to see the MIL, who she has a rocky relationship with, she could have also seen the MIL last night instead of going to a small town game. I totally get seeing the MIL, I love her MIL.
Why make such a big deal about coming, wanting to be invited, texting with my husband, then at the last minute tell a big story about why you can't come, especially when she likely knew all along she wasn't coming?
Soooooo, sorry this is so long. I know I will hear from her today. I am trying to decide if I should just ignore her for a bit, not to play games but because I am likely to tell her I think she acted like an ass. I would likely wind up telling her I knew all along she wouldn't be here, so I didn't appreciate how she handled it all. My feelings were a little hurt, if I am honest. She chose her party friends over celebrating with me. I also hate being lied to. I am irritated.
What would you do if you were me??? This isn't a chuck the friendship thing, but I don't want to pretend like she was honest and it was all her husband's fault, poor Lisa.
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Post by mollycoddle on May 14, 2017 19:11:18 GMT
Ignore it. Some people just need drama. It sounds like you understand her pretty well.
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Post by shescrafty on May 14, 2017 19:12:14 GMT
I'm sorry your friend blew you off. If she brings up how upset he is about missing it I might let her know that you were surprised she didn't come after she was upset about not being invited in the first place.
I had something similar with a friend. We have been friends for over 20 years. I pulled back and she asked me about it. I did tell her quite plainly that I did not feel I could count on her. That I was tired of making plans only to have her back out. It changed for a little while and now I can't remember the last time we saw each other-maybe last fall? But at least I was clear with her and let her know where I stood.
Sorry you are going through that and congratulations on your graduation!
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PaperAngel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,352
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on May 14, 2017 19:17:45 GMT
Congratulations! 🎉
My suggestion is to honestly communicate your feelings. (ie. It was hurtful for her to feign interest, create drama, & expect your husband to jump through hoops to include her in the party, knowing she would predictably choose to spend time with others & be a no show. You are disappointed she lied & don't appreciate her attempts to make your celebration about her.) Please believe her as she showed you who she is & what you mean to her during an important event in your life. You may want to reconsider this "friendship" & future interaction.
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amom23
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,333 
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Post by amom23 on May 14, 2017 19:23:05 GMT
She doesn't sound like best friend material, but to each their own. Sounds like you allow her to treat you the way she does. Obviously up to you if you are ok with it.
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Post by kernriver on May 14, 2017 19:24:24 GMT
You predicted her behavior. She acted according to your expectations. Why bother to engage, unless you want to get involved in the drama?
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on May 14, 2017 19:26:31 GMT
If you're good enough friends that you feel you can be honest with each other, I think you can say basically what you already said to us:
Whether you accept any apology that may be forthcoming is up to you.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 2:10:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 14, 2017 19:28:32 GMT
Just reading that was exhausting!
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Post by llinin on May 14, 2017 19:31:58 GMT
I appreciate every one of your replies, seriously. I don't do drama, which is partly why I am so irritated, I hate stuff like that. She usually doesn't pull this with me, likely because I don't put myself in the situation to be blown off, or you are probably right, she would treat me like this regularly.
Thanks for the congrats also. I didn't let her put a damper on my weekend, I was just dreading hearing from her later.
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Post by anniefb on May 14, 2017 19:33:25 GMT
You predicted her behavior. She acted according to your expectations. Why bother to engage, unless you want to get involved in the drama? That ^^ |
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Post by quinlove on May 14, 2017 20:01:05 GMT
 Congratulations Regarding your friend, I'd think about it for a couple of days or so. Sometimes (usually) my first instincts are too much and I need time to process how I really feel about it. |
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Post by scrapmaven on May 14, 2017 21:43:01 GMT
You mentioned that they drink a lot, fight and have financial problems. Sounds like they are alcoholics. You can't depend on an addict to be reliable or honest with either themselves or you. They might well have fought over whether or not to go to your party, because they fight over so much. They spend their weekends with their drinking buddies and you are not a drinking buddy. Maybe it's time for you to gain some clarity about her level of drinking. Don't expect anything more than who they are. I'm sorry that she hurt your feelings. If you want to avoid drama then I would just let her know that you are disappointed, but it's not a deal breaker by any means. Did your friend start to spiral after she married this guy?
My focus is that you got your BSN. That's a milestone and I'm really happy for you. Celebrate yourself right now and don't let anyone bring you down. You worked hard for this degree and you have every right to pat yourself on the back.
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Post by verdepea on May 14, 2017 22:02:07 GMT
Thou doth protest to much. I am getting the vibe that it's her husband who didn't want to go. They fought about it and he won. Now she is making excuses for it. He's a party guy and your not "his type."
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,708
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on May 14, 2017 22:04:25 GMT
Congratulations on obtaining your BSC! This is a huge accomplishment. Unfortunately, your friend has shown you as to what her priorities are. Believe her. So sorry that this friendship has ended. I am so glad that you had a wonderful graduation and celebration.  |
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Post by 950nancy on May 14, 2017 22:14:58 GMT
I have a similar situation with a great friend of 20 years. Husband had different friends and my friend tends to do what he wants to do. I still see her separately, but we don't do couples things. It hurt my feelings, but there wasn't a dang thing I could do about it without stepping on toes. In the end, she has to choose what makes her happy and I am not going to come between her and her hubby. It is funny though, she married at 39, and was pissed at all of her friends treating her this way when they got married. She does not see the irony.
I would make this her problem, not yours. Just keep repeating what you have said. If she pushes, tell her you weren't surprised since her choice in friends has changed. Leave it at that. It is true and puts it back on her. You aren't making judgements about the friends and just saying that you were not surprised.
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Post by tkdmom on May 14, 2017 22:15:48 GMT
Congratulations on the BSN. As far as your friend don't get pulled into her drama.
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Post by melrose on May 14, 2017 22:43:04 GMT
Your friendship reminds me of this: People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed or just felt. They have come to assist you through a hard time, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. Then, suddenly, the person disappears from your life. Your need has been met; their work is done. Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share or grow or give back. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They give you great joy. Believe it; it is real. But only for a season. Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons—things you must build upon to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all your other relationships. Think about the people in your life over the years. Whether they were there for a reason, a season or a lifetime, accept them and treasure them for however long they were meant to be part of your life. And when they are gone, be thankful for the gifts you received from them when they were here—for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Linky |
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Post by tampascrapper on May 14, 2017 23:11:14 GMT
Ignore it. Some people just need drama. It sounds like you understand her pretty well. I agree with this. I think if you call her out on it she won't see that she did anything wrong and won't take any responsibility for it. So I don't think it would help the situation to bring it up. |
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on May 14, 2017 23:56:18 GMT
Thou doth protest to much. I am getting the vibe that it's her husband who didn't want to go. They fought about it and he won. Now she is making excuses for it. He's a party guy and your not "his type." Mmmm... I'm not so sure about that, because there's no reason it couldn't have been "You go to the game with your mom and give her my regards and say hi to all the club buddies, I'm off to celebrate my BFF llinin getting her BSN because it's important to her and is a once in a lifetime kinda deal." llinin, I'm sorry, I forgot to add my congratulations earlier. So, CONGRATULATIONS to you on your accomplishment!  |
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Post by mikklynn on May 15, 2017 0:01:45 GMT
Congratulations on your BSN!
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Post by cindyupnorth on May 15, 2017 0:19:20 GMT
I'm sort of curious. How does your BFF and your dh get along? Why didn't he think to invite her? Was it just family that came?
I have had the same best friend for 50+yrs. We grew up together. We were our maids of honors. each's kids godparents. Both her parents have passed. She has 1 brother alive who is a loser, and an aunt and uncle. Yet she STILL invites them 1st to things, or plans things around them. vs Me. Who has been there thru thick and thin. Yes, it has hurt my feelings, but I just let it blow over and things go on. I love her like a sister, and she says the same about me. I just think it's the way she is. I think your friend is just in a different stage in her life. vs where you are.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 2:10:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2017 0:36:18 GMT
Congrats on your BSN!
Personally, it would piss me off that she pulled this charade on people you care about. It's one thing that you know her flaws and can look past this behavior based on your history. It's another thing that she put your DH in the awkward position of having to apologize for not inviting her when she never had any intentions of showing up. I'd tell her off and hope she cares enough never to do this again. If she decides to walk, then so be it as the great friend you remember her to be is already long gone.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 2:10:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2017 1:00:37 GMT
You don't like being lied to, yet you don't have a problem lying to her about your true feelings? Sounds to me like you need to reevaluate this relationship.
Truth is a two way street.
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Post by disneypal on May 15, 2017 1:21:41 GMT
Ignore it. Some people just need drama. It sounds like you understand her pretty well. Good advice |
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on May 15, 2017 1:22:08 GMT
My oldest friend and your bff have a lot in common. This is why she is my oldest friend and not my best friend.
We live different lives. Hers has always had a great deal of drama and dysfunction. Mine hasn't. I married a good man. We are financially and emotionally stable. She's always choosing bad men and would rather be in an unhealthy relationship than be alone.
My husband had a wonderful surprise dinner for my 40th birthday in February. He said he went out of his way to be sure she and her partner (with whom she has a terrible and unhealthy relationship) knew the time, date and place. She assured him she'd be there, wouldn't miss it for the world, wanted to bring the cake, etc.
And, of course, she never showed. She called me the next day with a long story involving drama and tears and awful behavior on the part of her partner. And I just didn't have it in me to care. I've spent the last 32 years listening to her drama. Talking her down, being supportive, always putting my needs and joys to the side because her life is always in crisis.
I am emotionally spent with this person. I will always love her, but I just don't care in the same way anymore. She made her choices and I've made mine.
Congratulations on completing your BSN!! I hope you enjoyed your party and that you were able to bask in the glow of your accomplishment!!
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Gravity
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,229
Jun 27, 2014 0:29:55 GMT
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Post by Gravity on May 15, 2017 1:31:09 GMT
Congratulations on your BSN!!!!
I would probably distance myself from this friend for a bit and re-evaluate the friendship.
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Post by nlwilkins on May 15, 2017 6:15:51 GMT
It sounds like to me that she is only friends when there is nothing else going on. You just don't come first, second or even third on her list of social activities. You deserve better.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 2:10:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2017 6:55:31 GMT
I would just ignore it unless you want to make it into a drama. You know what she's like, so why let it bother you.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on May 15, 2017 10:07:28 GMT
Ignore it. Some people just need drama. It sounds like you understand her pretty well. I agree. But honestly, man she sounds like she is exhausting. |
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Post by mollycoddle on May 15, 2017 10:09:24 GMT
I forgot to say congratulations!  👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 |
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" instead of fuck off, which was my first thought. 
