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Post by shelby on Aug 2, 2017 2:13:33 GMT
Oh my dear, if your fifty years of closeness and love with your twin isn't enough to handle one unkind remark you do have a problem. The remark was very unkind and if you are a little sensitive about your weight I can understand that it hurt you. But is the hurt so much that you are willing to give up something that has been so dear to you all your life? Holding on to your hurt feelings in the end will cause you far more heartbreak than her unkind remark did. I only have one sister who I love very much. It would take so much more than a remark about my weight to cut her out of my life. Actually I don't know of anything that would cause me to do that. Do give some serious thought to do you want her in or out of your life for the next 30 or 4o years.
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Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,313
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Aug 2, 2017 2:17:45 GMT
I hear some of the people start to ask questions about us being twins, and my twin sister say "she has 80 pounds on me" when my younger sister yelled at her "TWS STOP". I assume TWS are her initials? I feel like I am the only one who doesn't find this mean spirited. Was she making fun of you or stating a statement of fact? Are you in fact that much bigger then she is? What I am picturing is people asking the usual twin questions about people telling you apart and her replying with "she has 80 lbs on me" along the same lines as "well she colored her hair blonde". See before I lost a significant amount of weight my most defining physical feature was my obesity. I hated when folks would skirt around that trying to spare my feelings. I was fat. Plain and simple. If someone said "point out your pastor's wife" I had no problems with "she's the overweight, fat, plump one". I am just that sort of person. Kind of like when there is one black person in the room and no one wants to say "John is the black kid over there". Defining physical attributes are just that. Descriptions. Don't give those descriptive words more power then they need to have. I agree with everyone who said don't let one sentence said without thinking ruin a lifetime relationship.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 2, 2017 2:25:05 GMT
There is no way for me to talk to her face to face as she lives 12 hours away from me and I will not be there anytime soon. My DH also feels I should not cut her out of my life but leave it open for her to reach out. I'm sure I will feel this way in time but as of right now, I don't know if I can do it yet. One thing with my family, is it is a trend. An example of this trend is when my younger sister got mad at something my Mom said, she didn't speak to her for over 7 months. Wouldn't even tell her why she was mad. To those who say I should of said something to her during the party, I didn't feel I could do that without either screaming at her or crying the whole time. I felt I didn't want to do that to my younger sister. then breaj that trend. Honestly, she didn't call you names (although you did call her one). Perhaps someone said you didn't look identical and that was her response. A facebook message is a horrible way to have this conversation. Did it make you feel better? Something that has hurt you like this should be discussed verbally. Is this really worth losing time with your sister?
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
Jun 25, 2014 21:53:42 GMT
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Aug 2, 2017 2:29:06 GMT
I'm sorry she said that and I understand where you're coming from trust me. I think you went overboard on writing her out of your life and this is coming from someone who has zero issues writing people out of my life family or not because life's too short BUT it's always for good reasons and IMO this just isn't one of those reasons. Drinks were being drank and some people do get too loose on just a couple of them and mistakes are made. Getting your mom involved was wrong IMO, this is between your twin and you..not her. Since she lives 12hrs away FaceTime/Skype her if that's not a option then use a phone...because sending messages online isn't a good way to handle this because you can't hear the other persons emotion and many times things get misinterpreted.
I honestly think maybe there is more issues with this sister then maybe you're telling us or maybe you're just now seeing it for yourself so using this recent event is a good excuse for you to write her out of your life. If that's the case and there is more going on then again you really need to speak to her before you just let her go..she should know the real reasons.
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Post by wezee on Aug 2, 2017 2:36:37 GMT
You are right to be hurt. I don't have any sisters let alone 3, I do know that nothing would keep me from my family. God knows I have said things that I shouldn't have. Everyone makes a mistake. Honestly, you are so hurt that I don't think she could apologize enough to make it up to you. I would forgive and forget it. Now If she continues I would have a long talk with her in person. I'm not a fan of Facebook when something is written it can be seen as impersonal. You are so hurt that I think you would have gotten better closure if you would have called her instead. ((hugs))
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Post by originalvanillabean on Aug 2, 2017 2:55:13 GMT
The thing that jumps out at me is that you sent each other a Facebook message? Really?
Get on the phone and talk about it.
If my sister sent me a message about feeling that hurt via FB vs face to face or voice to voice, I'd blow a gasket.
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Post by ~summer~ on Aug 2, 2017 3:15:41 GMT
I guess I don't understand why you are so worked about her comment - sounds like she stated a fact (which I can understand was still hurtful) but it's not like she called you a fat slob or told someone your deepest, darkest secrets.
Your reaction, sending a Facebook message and the content sounded childish and extreme.
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Post by annabella on Aug 2, 2017 3:19:23 GMT
You're 50 years old and that email was written by a teenager. If there is a 80 lb difference between you those strangers probably don't see the resemblance between you so she had to explain matter of factly "she's got 80 lbs on me." No I don't believe you when you say you could lose the weight if you wanted to, that's a lot of weight and no easy feat, you would have done it by now if you could, let's be real. I understand it must be hard to look at your twin in your ideal body. So your sensitivity to your weight (and failings) got projected onto her. Her punishment does not fit the crime.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Aug 2, 2017 3:50:03 GMT
Being hurt = legitimate Confronting her about it = no problem with that Ending the relationship = way over the top
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 19:37:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2017 4:53:58 GMT
You are completely justified in being hurt and angry.
However, it's my opinion that ending or changing a relationship over this forever is a steep price to pay for a momentary lapse in judgment. Is that really a cost you think is fair? If you're as close as you say you are, that is hard for me to wrap my head around.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 19:37:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2017 4:56:36 GMT
I'm also quite fat. When people describe me as fat, they're speaking truthfully, and not necessarily mean spiritedly. I agree with Country Ham-don't give it more power than it deserves. If you are in fact 80 pounds heavier than she is, it could just have been a descriptor and not a judgment. Maybe not the most sensitive one, but not one she should be iced out over.
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Post by vjlau on Aug 2, 2017 5:24:26 GMT
I'll validate your initial feelings, because I would have felt the same way. BUT, I think you could have handled the aftermath a bit differently - and there's still time to do that.
I'm fat. I know it, anyone who sees me knows it. However, I never like to be told it. Even a few little kids have said things like "you have a big belly!" Ummm, yes I do - but I don't need reminded of it. Therefore, when weight comes up in conversation I get a little defensive. I always have to remember though that I AM fat.
Your 80 lbs could be considerably less than me calling myself fat. However, with a twin 80 lbs difference would be noticeable to anyone. So, I'd be mad at my sister too. She didn't need to point it out. But, it's not like she told anyone a super secret about you.
Therefore, I think I understand your initial hurt and anger towards her. It wasn't nice. I think you were right to call her on it - maybe FB wasn't the best idea, but you still called her on it. She apologized.
If it was me, I'd call her. I'd say, I'm sorry I sent the message, but I was so hurt by your words. I was defensive, and I was quick to anger. Let her take the conversation from there. I bet she'll apologize again. It's not worth losing your sister over.
And finally - you say these were strangers. Meh, will you ever see them again? Do you really think they cared. I'm willing to bet they never even gave a second thought to what she said after it happened.
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Post by mrst on Aug 2, 2017 5:35:48 GMT
Sorry but you should just suck it up. Are you 80pounds heavier? Is that a good or bad thing? Does it matter? Too much drama!
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azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755
Jun 25, 2014 22:49:18 GMT
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Post by azredhead on Aug 2, 2017 5:44:59 GMT
sometimes we don't react right when somone that close says something or does something that just sends us over the edge. Just remember it's a lot harder to come back if you've jumped off that cliff and decide to end it. If her apology was sincere then I would think some good communication would be better. If it wasn't you could just distance her without out cutting her out totally. Especially as a twin. But it complicates everything for everyone realizing it or not. I know it's about your feelings and you have every right to be upset/hurt and even devestated, but when you decide to end a relationship with someone like that just be prepared for the outcome. I hope you can work through for the both of you. Hope it works out. HUGS!
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Post by mymindseyedpea on Aug 2, 2017 5:59:30 GMT
You have every right to feel upset about this. Not only must you feel hurt from what she said, but hurt from it being her that said it. Have you ever had any issues like this happen before between you two?
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Post by lucyg on Aug 2, 2017 6:12:12 GMT
I understand that her words were hurtful to you, but sometimes family and friends say things that are thoughtlessly hurtful. Better to talk about it, ask her not to do it again, and move on. This is your sister, and not just your sister, but your identical twin. Failing a longstanding pattern of unkindness, you need to work at preserving the relationship. I think if you don't, you will come to regret cutting off the relationship so completely. Also, think about whether it's possible that maybe you've been doing something to get on her nerves lately, and it manifested by her making that not-so-nice comment about you. Maybe you both have some work to do to smooth out the relationship. My sisters and I can get a lot bitchier than that with each other. If one of us really steps over a line, the other one snaps back at her and she quiets down. We do get pissy on occasion but then we get over it and move on. There is no extended "not speaking to each other." Maybe you just need a slightly thicker skin. Hanging around with the peas can help with that. One more thing to think about, I know you feel sure it wasn't the alcohol talking, but honestly, can you be so sure?? She could have been drinking already before the party started, she could have a drinking problem you're unaware of, or she could just be very sensitive to alcohol. Both of my sisters would be three-quarters drunk after two drinks. (Not me, though.) You live far away and aren't around to see what's happening on a daily basis there.
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Post by gar on Aug 2, 2017 7:42:12 GMT
My DH also feels I should not cut her out of my life but leave it open for her to reach out Well I'm sure she won't now! You were understandably hurt but your words were so final she probably can't see a way to reach out again. Call her, if you want to resolve this.
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
Jul 7, 2014 19:36:30 GMT
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Post by zella on Aug 2, 2017 7:46:57 GMT
I'm so sorry your sister said that; of course you were hurt. Now I will just say this: My sister did something far worse to me, something that affected myself, my husband and our children. Her action, though it wasn't her intent, caused me a huge amount of pain for years. When I asked her about the situation, she outright lied to me. In fact she told me that our dad was the person who did this thing. She lied multiple times over a period of years. She finally called me when she believed our mom was going to "out" her. She was hysterical. She told me what happened, said she'd understand if I never spoke to her again, that she felt so bad about what had happened, and that the reason she hadn't told me the truth was because she was scared of losing me. I don't know why, but her acknowledgment brought me peace, and I forgave her immediately. I also never told anyone what she had done, at her request. This happened not too long before my sister was diagnosed with brain cancer, before I went to be with her for her last weeks, before I held her as she died. I am so very, very glad both that she told me the truth and, more, that I forgave her. What would I have lost out on if I hadn't? I just told my daughters the truth of this story a couple of days ago. They were shocked. I don't have to keep the secret anymore. But I'd keep that secret my whole life if I could just have my sister back. Please think on this.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 19:37:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2017 7:52:12 GMT
Honestly, you went way overboard. You called her "two-faced" and now will cut off all contact with her?? You also took the chicken shit way out with a message instead of just calling her and saying "I heard what you said about ' she has 80 pounds on me'". I think you have a right to be upset, but you have destroyed a relationship that you now won't get back... You needed to just tell her she hurt your feelings---I am astounded at your response. Yes. This is your TWIN SISTER, the person who has been closest to you all your life. She made a bad mistake, messed up bigtime and she did apologize when called on it. I get that you are hurt. I really do. But cutting off contact? Over this?!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 19:37:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2017 9:09:48 GMT
You need to call her and explain why she hurt you and why you are so sensitive about your weight.
It's completely over the top to react in the way you have, especially at your age, you're not a teenager, that you are prepared to throw away the usual close relationship that identical twins have with each other.
Call her before it's too late to make amends otherwise your reaction to this little "indiscretion" of hers will destroy your relationship. That isn't really what you want is it?
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Post by phoenixcov on Aug 2, 2017 9:34:42 GMT
She made a mistake, you called her out, she apologised now just move one and don`t sulk or hold a grudge.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,613
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Aug 2, 2017 10:19:30 GMT
My best friends are identical twins. I understand that bond. I see why it would hurt so much. But that's also why, at least with my friends, it would've been confronted immediately and dealt with. They can't live without each other. Don't let this fester. Just deal with it and move on. Figure out what you need from her to make this better and move on. Life is WAY too short to let this linger. Particularly for your mother.
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kmcmullen
Shy Member
Posts: 39
Jul 16, 2015 23:43:14 GMT
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Post by kmcmullen on Aug 2, 2017 11:32:16 GMT
I hear some of the people start to ask questions about us being twins, and my twin sister say "she has 80 pounds on me" when my younger sister yelled at her "TWS STOP". I assume TWS are her initials? I feel like I am the only one who doesn't find this mean spirited. Was she making fun of you or stating a statement of fact? Are you in fact that much bigger then she is? What I am picturing is people asking the usual twin questions about people telling you apart and her replying with "she has 80 lbs on me" along the same lines as "well she colored her hair blonde". See before I lost a significant amount of weight my most defining physical feature was my obesity. I hated when folks would skirt around that trying to spare my feelings. I was fat. Plain and simple. If someone said "point out your pastor's wife" I had no problems with "she's the overweight, fat, plump one". I am just that sort of person. Kind of like when there is one black person in the room and no one wants to say "John is the black kid over there". Defining physical attributes are just that. Descriptions. Don't give those descriptive words more power then they need to have. I agree with everyone who said don't let one sentence said without thinking ruin a lifetime relationship. The TWS was for twin sister, I didn't want to add their names here. YS was for younger sister.
Am I fat, yes. Do I really have 80 pounds on her, NO. Maybe 15 or 20, she is also overweight. During this weekend she used the extra bathing suit I brought with me, it fit her perfectly and was not too big.
I am hearing that I need to be open to her, but I feel she is the one who needs to reach out to me.
Regarding those who say I tattled to my Mom, I don't feel this way. When my younger sister didn't talk to her for 7 months, my Mom and I talked almost weekly where she shared with me her hurt feelings. I felt I could share mine with her. I'm the one who planned a surprise family reunion cruise for my parents and asked my sister to come. She did and she worked out the issue with my Mom.
The reason I'm so hurt is the ugly, dramatic, over the top way she said its. She was making herself out to be "better" than me.
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kmcmullen
Shy Member
Posts: 39
Jul 16, 2015 23:43:14 GMT
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Post by kmcmullen on Aug 2, 2017 11:44:01 GMT
I understand that her words were hurtful to you, but sometimes family and friends say things that are thoughtlessly hurtful. Better to talk about it, ask her not to do it again, and move on. This is your sister, and not just your sister, but your identical twin. Failing a longstanding pattern of unkindness, you need to work at preserving the relationship. I think if you don't, you will come to regret cutting off the relationship so completely. Also, think about whether it's possible that maybe you've been doing something to get on her nerves lately, and it manifested by her making that not-so-nice comment about you. Maybe you both have some work to do to smooth out the relationship. My sisters and I can get a lot bitchier than that with each other. If one of us really steps over a line, the other one snaps back at her and she quiets down. We do get pissy on occasion but then we get over it and move on. There is no extended "not speaking to each other." Maybe you just need a slightly thicker skin. Hanging around with the peas can help with that. One more thing to think about, I know you feel sure it wasn't the alcohol talking, but honestly, can you be so sure?? She could have been drinking already before the party started, she could have a drinking problem you're unaware of, or she could just be very sensitive to alcohol. Both of my sisters would be three-quarters drunk after two drinks. (Not me, though.) You live far away and aren't around to see what's happening on a daily basis there. This made me laugh - I have been reading two peas for YEARS, so I understand what you are saying!!!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 19:37:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2017 11:44:11 GMT
The reason I'm so hurt is the ugly, dramatic, over the top way she said its. She was making herself out to be "better" than me.
Most people would be hurt. Yes, you're right, she was making herself out to be better than you, which is a very human response to feeling bad about herself. She made a mistake. You are at a very important point in you're life. I hope you will forgive her.
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Post by magentapea on Aug 2, 2017 11:45:34 GMT
I feel like I am the only one who doesn't find this mean spirited. Was she making fun of you or stating a statement of fact? Are you in fact that much bigger then she is? What I am picturing is people asking the usual twin questions about people telling you apart and her replying with "she has 80 lbs on me" along the same lines as "well she colored her hair blonde". See before I lost a significant amount of weight my most defining physical feature was my obesity. I hated when folks would skirt around that trying to spare my feelings. I was fat. Plain and simple. If someone said "point out your pastor's wife" I had no problems with "she's the overweight, fat, plump one". I am just that sort of person. Kind of like when there is one black person in the room and no one wants to say "John is the black kid over there". Defining physical attributes are just that. Descriptions. Don't give those descriptive words more power then they need to have. I agree with everyone who said don't let one sentence said without thinking ruin a lifetime relationship. Thus is exactly what I was thinking! My sister and I look a great deal alike, but she is 6" taller and 60 pounds lighter. If she said I was the short, round one I wouldn't be upset. It's true and anyone in the room could see that. I think OP's reaction is way over the top and probably says more about how she feels about her own weight issues than how her sister feels about her.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Aug 2, 2017 11:47:36 GMT
Honestly, you went way overboard. You called her "two-faced" and now will cut off all contact with her?? You also took the chicken shit way out with a message instead of just calling her and saying "I heard what you said about ' she has 80 pounds on me'". I think you have a right to be upset, but you have destroyed a relationship that you now won't get back... You needed to just tell her she hurt your feelings---I am astounded at your response. I'm going with what christine58 writes. Plus--yes, I'll validate your feelings--what you said was hurtful and mean, however given what you've posted as happening you over reacted in your response to her.
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Post by christine58 on Aug 2, 2017 11:48:20 GMT
I am hearing that I need to be open to her, but I feel she is the one who needs to reach out to me.
Regarding those who say I tattled to my Mom, I don't feel this way. When my younger sister didn't talk to her for 7 months, my Mom and I talked almost weekly where she shared with me her hurt feelings. I felt I could share mine with her. I'm the one who planned a surprise family reunion cruise for my parents and asked my sister to come. She did and she worked out the issue with my Mom.
The reason I'm so hurt is the ugly, dramatic, over the top way she said its. She was making herself out to be "better" than me. That's all you took from the responses??? SHE did reach out to you. She apologized. You're the one with the issue at this point. Have fun cutting her out of your life although it sounds like a family pattern.
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kmcmullen
Shy Member
Posts: 39
Jul 16, 2015 23:43:14 GMT
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Post by kmcmullen on Aug 2, 2017 11:49:51 GMT
You have every right to feel upset about this. Not only must you feel hurt from what she said, but hurt from it being her that said it. Have you ever had any issues like this happen before between you two? I have never heard her do this before, but I have had uneasy feelings during social situations that made me wonder. I always just blew those feeling off thinking I must be too sensitive. Also, when my YS and I were having a lot of issues she was right in the middle. So, I now wonder if TWS was the instigator.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that my fear is that our close relationship has only been one sided all these years and I just never knew it. Do I want to cut her out of my life forever - no I don't.
The quote that keeps going through my head is "When people show you who they are, believe them".
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Dalai Mama
Drama Llama
La Pea Boheme
Posts: 6,985
Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on Aug 2, 2017 11:55:12 GMT
The thing that jumps out at me is that you sent each other a Facebook message? Really? Get on the phone and talk about it. If my sister sent me a message about feeling that hurt via FB vs face to face or voice to voice, I'd blow a gasket. I too would have addressed it the following morning face-to-face rather than letting it stew.
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