PaperAngel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,352
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
|
Post by PaperAngel on Aug 2, 2017 16:28:26 GMT
(((hugs))) You are entitled to your feelings.
While overhearing someone insult you behind your back is often unexpected & hurtful, I wouldn't expect a close sibling/twin relationship to end over one occurrence. Please consider acknowledging the incident for what it is - your sister exaggerated during a chitchat with strangers (that was inevitably forgotten by partygoers moments later), accept her apology/forgive, & apologize to her for your overreaction. I imagine her feelings are also deeply hurt by your eagerness to discard the entire relationship over one overheard comment!
Best wishes with your future (sibling) relationships...
|
|
|
Post by mrsscrapdiva on Aug 2, 2017 16:44:07 GMT
I am sorry you are hurt and what happened at the party. I hope that overtime you and your sister can mend what happened. Weight is such a sensitive topic.
So I just have a few honest questions, not meant to be hurtful. Is weight usually discussed in your family? Is everyone else thin and you were pointed out to feel bad about being overweight by your mom/dad/siblings? Did you ever discuss your weight with your sisters?
In my family, my sister and I are both overweight. My divorced parents are "concerned" about it but in reality, they are both perfectionists and hate when people are overweight. Funny thing is (ok, not so funny) is that my Dad was very overweight growing up but lost all of the weight and has kept it off. My mom was always thinish but now she is older is overweight. My parents on MANY separate occasions and my step mom (who is thin) has made comments about other obese/overweight plus size people in front of my sister and I. Hurtful, judgmental, ugly comments. Growing up and even now, they are obsessed with diet, eating, who is eating what and when, how other poeple look etc. This is all very dysfunctional I know and I see no end in sight. At this point, they probably don't realize they do it. I am hurt when comments are made, but it is their f'd up way of thinking, not mine.
|
|
|
Post by Chips on Aug 2, 2017 17:00:49 GMT
I am sorry and agree weight is definitely a sensitive subject.
I have sisters too and one of mine is a bitch all the time. I finally gave up not hearing her nasty comments, dealing with her rarely helping out, listening to her lies, seeing her steal from me and family and I am truly done trying to be the better person and decided I do not need her negativity. After almost 50 years I am done with her.
If she had only once said something offensive about me in fifty years I would totally let that slip.
|
|
flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
|
Post by flute4peace on Aug 2, 2017 17:12:52 GMT
I'm so sorry your sister said that; of course you were hurt. Now I will just say this: My sister did something far worse to me, something that affected myself, my husband and our children. Her action, though it wasn't her intent, caused me a huge amount of pain for years. When I asked her about the situation, she outright lied to me. In fact she told me that our dad was the person who did this thing. She lied multiple times over a period of years. She finally called me when she believed our mom was going to "out" her. She was hysterical. She told me what happened, said she'd understand if I never spoke to her again, that she felt so bad about what had happened, and that the reason she hadn't told me the truth was because she was scared of losing me. I don't know why, but her acknowledgment brought me peace, and I forgave her immediately. I also never told anyone what she had done, at her request. This happened not too long before my sister was diagnosed with brain cancer, before I went to be with her for her last weeks, before I held her as she died. I am so very, very glad both that she told me the truth and, more, that I forgave her. What would I have lost out on if I hadn't? I just told my daughters the truth of this story a couple of days ago. They were shocked. I don't have to keep the secret anymore. But I'd keep that secret my whole life if I could just have my sister back. Please think on this. All my love, Zella.
|
|
flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
|
Post by flute4peace on Aug 2, 2017 17:16:14 GMT
My DH also feels I should not cut her out of my life but leave it open for her to reach out Well I'm sure she won't now! You were understandably hurt but your words were so final she probably can't see a way to reach out again. Call her, if you want to resolve this. I agree. If anyone needs to reach out, it's you.
|
|
|
Post by **GypsyGirl** on Aug 2, 2017 17:16:45 GMT
Ask yourself why your twin would say this about you. Typically there is a jealous streak in there somewhere. Is she envious of you? Does she have a husband, children, home or everything else that you have? She felt the need to knock you for some strange reason. And it sucks. I suspect there is a bit of jealousy as well as insecurity involved in her comments. I've had a ring side seat to twins my entire life (grandmother was a twin and my younger sisters are twins). Once they are grown there seems to be a constant pull of wanting to establish a separate identity, of trying to be different in some way from the other one, especially with identical twins. Even when they live apart as grown ups, it's hard to not think of yourself as a twin, as part of a package. Just recently youngest tried to convince the older one that she (older) was much heavier than her (what is it with twins and weight?). So obviously not true, but she still brought it up. Part of the problem is that the older one is finally gaining confidence and independence after taking care of my mother for 8 years before she passed. The younger one is in a bad marriage, has issues with her child and financial problems (all her own doing). Now that the older one is making it on her own, I see the jealousy and competition rearing it's ugly head. OP - I suspect that if you dig deeper you will find issues your twin is dealing with. You are her punching bag. Why? Because you are her twin and you are forever joined. She knows deep down that you are most likely never going to abandon her because of her mistreatment. It's good that you are able to realize you reacted in anger. Hopefully you will be able to repair the relationship and move on from this. Good luck with your health goals. It's hard work!
|
|
|
Post by 950nancy on Aug 2, 2017 17:24:25 GMT
What your sister said was unkind and hurtful. I can see why you initially were hurt. I would work on forgiving her and let her make amends. Don't let this one hurtful statement ruin a lifetime of love. It sounds like you two have a great relationship (most of the time). If the relationship was toxic otherwise, I would say cut the cords, but you know how much you love your sister and that is why it hurt so much.
|
|
|
Post by Lexica on Aug 2, 2017 17:34:29 GMT
Thank you for the very kind thought out response!
Regarding my weight, my DH and I had a long conversation about this on the plane home and then again once we got home. Yes, I know that I'm overweight (my DH is as well, but he hides it better) and I want to do something about it. We have started a "Diet" together yesterday, our first full day home. He isn't working right now so he is preparing healthy meals for me when I get home and also picked up healthy options for lunch and snacks at my desk. Yesterday I walked up 4 of the 21 flights of stairs at my office. Today I'm going to do 5, very hard when they are not air conditioned in Atlanta! I'm doing this for me and my DH - we love to travel and next year we are planning an Alaskan cruise, so I would like to be able to hike to the glaciers.
Awesome! It is harder when we are older, but you will feel so much better and be able to do so much more. I did read all the replies and see that you only have about 15-20 pounds to lose. Good for you for working on it! I wish I was at the 15-20 to go mark! I think you and your sister will be able to repair this relationship. You commented that she tried to talk to you about something regarding her husband. Perhaps that is why she was so off kilter that night. Just give her the chance to explain and as you said, show her grace. You will both be better for it. SaveSave
|
|
River
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,514
Location: Alabama
Jun 26, 2014 15:26:04 GMT
|
Post by River on Aug 2, 2017 17:36:00 GMT
I think enough has already been said, so I just wanted to give you this as you continue to sort through your feelings. As always, the peas are here for validation, support and of course, tough love. Just remember the "love" part of the last one.
|
|
kmcmullen
Shy Member
Posts: 39
Jul 16, 2015 23:43:14 GMT
|
Post by kmcmullen on Aug 2, 2017 17:42:28 GMT
Thank you for the very kind thought out response!
Regarding my weight, my DH and I had a long conversation about this on the plane home and then again once we got home. Yes, I know that I'm overweight (my DH is as well, but he hides it better) and I want to do something about it. We have started a "Diet" together yesterday, our first full day home. He isn't working right now so he is preparing healthy meals for me when I get home and also picked up healthy options for lunch and snacks at my desk. Yesterday I walked up 4 of the 21 flights of stairs at my office. Today I'm going to do 5, very hard when they are not air conditioned in Atlanta! I'm doing this for me and my DH - we love to travel and next year we are planning an Alaskan cruise, so I would like to be able to hike to the glaciers.
Awesome! It is harder when we are older, but you will feel so much better and be able to do so much more. I did read all the replies and see that you only have about 15-20 pounds to lose. Good for you for working on it! I wish I was at the 15-20 to go mark! I think you and your sister will be able to repair this relationship. You commented that she tried to talk to you about something regarding her husband. Perhaps that is why she was so off kilter that night. Just give her the chance to explain and as you said, show her grace. You will both be better for it. SaveSaveLexica, I do wish it was just 15-20 that I need to lose. That is the difference between how much my twin and I weight. She is also overweight. I would say I would be thrilled to lose 80lbs. I think that would put me in a good place, not skinny but not fat, healthy. I just got finished walking the stairs at work and I made from the 15th to the 21st floor. So better than yesterday but not a good as tomorrow.
edited to add: When I was talking to my sister early on Saturday she was so negative about her DH and kids. She wasn't trying to tell me anything, just complaining and what she was saying made me worried. That is when I told if she needed to talk I was there for her.
|
|
kmcmullen
Shy Member
Posts: 39
Jul 16, 2015 23:43:14 GMT
|
Post by kmcmullen on Aug 2, 2017 17:45:16 GMT
I think enough has already been said, so I just wanted to give you this as you continue to sort through your feelings. As always, the peas are here for validation, support and of course, tough love. Just remember the "love" part of the last one. Thank you! I really has helped just to talk about it with people who are not "invested" in the situation.
|
|
flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
|
Post by flute4peace on Aug 2, 2017 17:45:40 GMT
You have every right to feel upset about this. Not only must you feel hurt from what she said, but hurt from it being her that said it. Have you ever had any issues like this happen before between you two? I have never heard her do this before, but I have had uneasy feelings during social situations that made me wonder. I always just blew those feeling off thinking I must be too sensitive. Also, when my YS and I were having a lot of issues she was right in the middle. So, I now wonder if TWS was the instigator.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that my fear is that our close relationship has only been one sided all these years and I just never knew it. Do I want to cut her out of my life forever - no I don't.
The quote that keeps going through my head is "When people show you who they are, believe them".
I can understand this. It sounds as if you weren't necessarily reacting to this particular comment from her, it was just the breaking point for years worth of uneasiness between the two of you.
Thing is, I'm not sure you have an accurate portrait of who she is. I know for me, once I feel tension or uneasiness with someone, I tend to assume everything that occurs with that person is negative toward me, when sometimes that's not the case at all.
Several years ago, when my girls were small, I was visiting with a fellow mom at the ballfield one night and the talk turned to girls gossiping and being mean to one another. I shared some experiences I'd had when I was growing up - always the one left out, talked about etc. By the time I was finished her jaw was on the ground and she had tears in her eyes. She told me that she had been one of those girls that talked about people and teased other girls. And she said it had been all about building herself up. It had never occurred to her that what she'd said to/about girls in HS had the potential to still be causing them pain 30 years later. She really felt awful about it.
My point is, I don't know that you can make such a life-changing decision based on perception and one unfortunately-made comment. What if she's been feeling the same way about you that you have about her, and the comment came out due to her lack of confidence about you? I really think the two of you need to have a heart to heart conversation mediated by a professional. How to pull that off while living so far away, I have no idea, but I think you need to pursue it.
As Zella said above, life is short and we don't know what's coming tomorrow. Think about how you would feel if something happened to her with the relationship as it is. Or the other way around.
I wish you peace.
|
|
kmcmullen
Shy Member
Posts: 39
Jul 16, 2015 23:43:14 GMT
|
Post by kmcmullen on Aug 2, 2017 17:46:12 GMT
What your sister said was unkind and hurtful. I can see why you initially were hurt. I would work on forgiving her and let her make amends. Don't let this one hurtful statement ruin a lifetime of love. It sounds like you two have a great relationship (most of the time). If the relationship was toxic otherwise, I would say cut the cords, but you know how much you love your sister and that is why it hurt so much. This is very true!!! Thank you for pointing that out!
|
|
flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
|
Post by flute4peace on Aug 2, 2017 18:05:43 GMT
I think enough has already been said, so I just wanted to give you this as you continue to sort through your feelings. As always, the peas are here for validation, support and of course, tough love. Just remember the "love" part of the last one. Thank you! I really has helped just to talk about it with people who are not "invested" in the situation. I want to commend you for staying with this thread and really taking the responses to heart. It would have been easy to take offense to some of the initial comments and not come back (mine included). I think the fact that you've stayed engaged (and I can definitely see a different "you" now that you've gotten the anger out and are back at home where you're comfortable) and are open to suggestions/opinions says a lot about you and how much you truly do value the relationship with your twin. It does sound like she's not in too great of a place emotionally right now, and that plus the small amount of alcohol may have been factors in her judgment being clouded.
I hope that you'll continue to keep us updated, on both the relationship and your health improvement process. We'll be here cheering you on!
|
|
|
Post by anniefb on Aug 2, 2017 18:11:02 GMT
I too think calling her on it was necessary and I agree with ntsf - I would be hurt too but I wouldn't let it destroy my lifelong relationship. Life is too short to carry that kind of pain and grudge. That ^^ Don't act in haste and do something you'll regret. SaveSave
|
|
kmcmullen
Shy Member
Posts: 39
Jul 16, 2015 23:43:14 GMT
|
Post by kmcmullen on Aug 2, 2017 18:11:08 GMT
Thank you! I really has helped just to talk about it with people who are not "invested" in the situation. I want to commend you for staying with this thread and really taking the responses to heart. It would have been easy to take offense to some of the initial comments and not come back (mine included). I think the fact that you've stayed engaged (and I can definitely see a different "you" now that you've gotten the anger out and are back at home where you're comfortable) and are open to suggestions/opinions says a lot about you and how much you truly do value the relationship with your twin. It does sound like she's not in too great of a place emotionally right now, and that plus the small amount of alcohol may have been factors in her judgment being clouded.
I hope that you'll continue to keep us updated, on both the relationship and your health improvement process. We'll be here cheering you on!
Thank you - I knew to "wear my big girl pants" when posting here. LOL
|
|
|
Post by mommaho on Aug 2, 2017 19:18:30 GMT
Hugs to you - I've posted about my sister and I've come to the conclusion I love her but I don't like who she has become over the years. I am cordial but I don't go out of my way to communicate, she lives 500 miles away.
I validate your feelings.
|
|
kmcmullen
Shy Member
Posts: 39
Jul 16, 2015 23:43:14 GMT
|
Post by kmcmullen on Aug 2, 2017 20:21:51 GMT
I think you and DH need to go to the reunion. I had one sister. She was younger than me. She died 7 years ago. I loved her so much. I would give anything to have one more conversation with her. I know you are hurt, I understand why, I know why you think the way you do. But you don't know what tomorrow will bring. You say that you were worried about what was going on in your twin sister's family. Do you think she said that not thinking? Do you think she might be a little jealous of your family life? So that statement might be a way to make her feel better? You don't have the full picture. You need to sit down and get it. Both of you need to speak from the heart. You two can do this. And then sit down with YS and have a heart to heart talk with her. If you have been critical or judgmental of her, you need to apologize to her. Clean the slate, begin anew. I have done this with my YS, she as also apologized to me. We are in a really good place right now and I'm glad.
|
|
inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
|
Post by inkedup on Aug 2, 2017 21:00:39 GMT
I don't think you're wrong to be hurt, but I do think your reaction is extreme. From what you've said, you have always enjoyed a close and loving relationship with your sister. She messed up. I hope she genuinely apologizes and I hope you are able to genuinely forgive her. Don't throw a lifetime of closeness away over one careless instance.
|
|
zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
Jul 7, 2014 19:36:30 GMT
|
Post by zella on Aug 2, 2017 22:42:28 GMT
I'm so sorry your sister said that; of course you were hurt. Now I will just say this: My sister did something far worse to me, something that affected myself, my husband and our children. Her action, though it wasn't her intent, caused me a huge amount of pain for years. When I asked her about the situation, she outright lied to me. In fact she told me that our dad was the person who did this thing. She lied multiple times over a period of years. She finally called me when she believed our mom was going to "out" her. She was hysterical. She told me what happened, said she'd understand if I never spoke to her again, that she felt so bad about what had happened, and that the reason she hadn't told me the truth was because she was scared of losing me. I don't know why, but her acknowledgment brought me peace, and I forgave her immediately. I also never told anyone what she had done, at her request. This happened not too long before my sister was diagnosed with brain cancer, before I went to be with her for her last weeks, before I held her as she died. I am so very, very glad both that she told me the truth and, more, that I forgave her. What would I have lost out on if I hadn't? I just told my daughters the truth of this story a couple of days ago. They were shocked. I don't have to keep the secret anymore. But I'd keep that secret my whole life if I could just have my sister back. Please think on this. All my love, Zella. Thank you so much.
|
|
|
Post by mlynn on Aug 2, 2017 23:21:19 GMT
Feelings are never wrong. They are what they are. However, our feelings do not dictate our behavior.
|
|
|
Post by roberta on Aug 3, 2017 0:06:37 GMT
kmcmullen, Feelings are always ok, it is what we do with them that defines who we are. I validate your hurt feelings (as other posters have). I have two sibs and on occasion we hurt one another. It happens. It is part of love. If we did not care they really couldn't hurt us. I love them too much to cut them out of my life though. I hope you are able to forgive your sister.
I wish for you to be able to honor your hurt and then move on to repair your relationship with your twin. She apologized which indicates she cares. You mentioned she was complaining about her family and you sensed something was wrong. Trust your gut! Something was amiss and perhaps her anxiety expressed itself in her need to minimize her weight?? Maybe she was just tired and frustrated?? Whatever the reason think of all the good and let that wash away the mistake(s).
It is so wonderful you are being proactive about how you want to improve yourself! Keep at it!
Wishing you lots of luck and success!
|
|
psiluvu
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,217
Location: Canada's Capital
Jun 25, 2014 22:52:26 GMT
|
Post by psiluvu on Aug 3, 2017 0:50:34 GMT
Show your sister the same grace that you are using dealing with the responses here. I hope you can work it out and your relationship with her ends up in a better place. Good Luck
|
|