kmcmullen
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Post by kmcmullen on Aug 2, 2017 1:07:00 GMT
Can you give me your opinion on what happened over the weekend. Some background, I just turned 51 and I have 3 sisters. One sister is older, one younger and an identical twin sister. We were all born within 4 years, our younger sister is 1 year and 3 days younger. For my whole life, I have been so close to my twin. Even with living a 12 hours drive away for all my sisters, I have always felt like my twin and I were a team. My DH has made many comments over the years that we move the same way, same mannerisums, says it is really weird to watch us talk from across the room. We would call and talk to each over about once a week. I get along with my other sisters, my younger sister and I have had issues over the years but we have grown into a very adult nice relationship which I'm very thankful for.
So here is what happened over the weekend. My younger sister was turning 50 and had a big party on Saturday night at her new home with her 2nd husband, who I respect and love. There were about 50 people invited, they had a bar set up and hired bartenders and the drinks were flowing. I was sharing my Rum and Coke with my DH to be sure I wasn't getting "over served" before dinner, my twin wasn't drunk at all but maybe had one or two drinks. Dh stepped away to do something and I see my twin with my younger sister talking in a group of people about 20 feet away. My twin didn't know any of these people, complete strangers to her. I hear some of the people start to ask questions about us being twins, and my twin sister say "she has 80 pounds on me" when my younger sister yelled at her "TWS STOP". It was the meanest think I have ever heard anyone, let alone my twin sister say about me. Yes, I am overweight but I will never understand how saying something so ugly made her feel better about herself. I am so hurt! Like I told my husband I feel like I have been betrayed, like how I would feel if our marriage was in trouble but only with my twin. I didn't make a scene because I didn't want to upset my younger sister in front of her friends. I walked away, went into the house and had a little melt down. Got myself together and went back outside then ran into my Mom who know something was up, so I spilled it all out to her. The rest of the evening I made sure I stayed away from her as I didn't want to do anything to upset my younger sister since from what I saw happen she defended me in front of her friends.
We ended the evening many hours later and went to bed (every one was staying at my younger sisters house). In the morning my twin wanted to talk to me like everything was perfect, no issues. She didn't have any idea that I heard everything she said. I kept my distance all day and she left early afternoon, (we were staying another day). Later that day I sent her the below private Facebook message telling her
"I want you to know and understand something. I may have "80 pounds" on you, as you told complete strangers last night, (I heard every word you said!!! I also heard every word **YS** said, makes me re-think every issue I ever had with her!) but that issue is yours not mine! I do not understand how talking so ugly about me made you feel better about yourself. I will never understand that! I may be overweight but I can fix that, it seams to me you can not overcome being a 2 faced sister! Our relationship is changed from yesterday forward and it will be very difficult to overcome this. I am very hurt! I'm also sorry this is hurting Mom but that is your doing! Yes I told her word for word what you said to complete strangers. I felt I needed to tell you all of this instead of never speaking to you again as that teaches you nothing. I will not allow you to treat me this way ever again! Do not contact me, I will not get over this!"
She did respond with I'm sorry and I don't know what I was thinking blah, blah, blah...
So, if your still reading this, would you validate my feelings? (I feel better writing this out as this has been going through my head like a slow motion movie ever since)
Thanks for letting me get this out.
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Post by ntsf on Aug 2, 2017 1:10:26 GMT
I think calling her on it was ok. I don't think never talking to her again makes sense. I think people make mistakes and we need to maybe let it rest and pick up and forgive her. you should be hurt, but don't let it totally destroy your relationship .
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Deleted
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Apr 30, 2024 0:48:21 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2017 1:11:55 GMT
I am sure you are hurt, I would be too. But I would find a way to move on, I have a sister who doesn't speak to me and it is no fun at all.
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Post by mom on Aug 2, 2017 1:12:37 GMT
I get it. I am sure it hurt. To be fair though - I think you should consider if this is out of the ordinary for your sister. Did she just screw up and run her mouth? Or is this a reoccurrence? You said she was drinking and it is possible the alcohol was 'speaking' vs. your sister.
I do think your reaction was over the top. You're willing to throw away a life long friendship over this?
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Post by christine58 on Aug 2, 2017 1:16:09 GMT
Honestly, you went way overboard. You called her "two-faced" and now will cut off all contact with her?? You also took the chicken shit way out with a message instead of just calling her and saying "I heard what you said about ' she has 80 pounds on me'". I think you have a right to be upset, but you have destroyed a relationship that you now won't get back... You needed to just tell her she hurt your feelings---I am astounded at your response.
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Post by polz on Aug 2, 2017 1:17:12 GMT
I have three sisters. I get it. One gets butt hurt over everything. Like two of them look identical and even buy matching clothes. The other gets upset and feels left out. They don't ask me to be in their girl gang and I just don't care. If I heard that, I'd have called my sister on that in front of the strangers. If she feels comfortable saying that to a wider group, she should feel comfortable being called on it in front of them. Mind you, we are pretty honest.
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psiluvu
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Post by psiluvu on Aug 2, 2017 1:18:11 GMT
You called her on it. She apologized. IMO you are totally over reacting by "never contact me again" and running to mommy to tattle.
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Post by christine58 on Aug 2, 2017 1:18:27 GMT
I'm also sorry this is hurting Mom but that is your doing! Actually...that is YOUR doing. You're a grown adult who has now put your mom in the middle. Grow up...talk to your sister IN PERSON. She apologized to you, yet you're never talking to her again?? |
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scrappinmama
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Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Aug 2, 2017 1:18:45 GMT
Is this a pattern or a one time thing? Don't get me wrong. I would be pissed and hurt. I wouldn't cut my sister out of my life for a one time remark. It would have to be a pattern.
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marianne
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Post by marianne on Aug 2, 2017 1:19:05 GMT
I too think calling her on it was necessary and I agree with ntsf - I would be hurt too but I wouldn't let it destroy my lifelong relationship. Life is too short to carry that kind of pain and grudge. |
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Post by gorgeouskid on Aug 2, 2017 1:19:12 GMT
I would be completely devastated to hear something like that from anyone, let alone my closest sibling.
I would also want to work through the hurt and let her repair what she can repair.
*hugs*
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kmcmullen
Shy Member
Posts: 39
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Post by kmcmullen on Aug 2, 2017 1:20:22 GMT
Mom - that is a good question that I have been going over the past 2 days. Over the past 10 years when we would have special family events things have happened that would give me a funny feeling. But I would always say that I must be too sensitive but now that I witness this, I wonder if she has been doing these things for years and I just never knew it. One thing that she did a lot up until a year or so ago, we would be talking in a group and little by little she would move her body in front of me and block me from the conversation. The last time I put my hands on her shoulders nicely and moved her out of my way. I don't know if she even knew she was doing this.
I do not agree that it wasn't her talking but the alcohol, she had a couple drink but was not drunk.
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johnnysmom
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Aug 2, 2017 1:20:25 GMT
Honestly, you went way overboard. You called her "two-faced" and now will cut off all contact with her?? You also took the chicken shit way out with a message instead of just calling her and saying "I heard what you said about ' she has 80 pounds on me'". I think you have a right to be upset, but you have destroyed a relationship that you now won't get back... You needed to just tell her she hurt your feelings---I am astounded at your response. Sorry but I agree with this. I'd also consider that she may have been a little tipsy, even if she'd only had a drink or two. I'm a light weight and after 2 drinks my filter becomes a little lax so it's possible. |
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moodyblue
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Post by moodyblue on Aug 2, 2017 1:21:16 GMT
I get it. I am sure it hurt. To be fair though - I think you should consider if this is out of the ordinary for your sister. Did she just screw up and run her mouth? Or is this a reoccurrence? You said she was drinking and it is possible the alcohol was 'speaking' vs. your sister. I do think your reaction was over the top. You're willing to throw away a life long friendship over this? I agree. I know you were hurt, but I think telling her not to contact you and that you won't get over it are way over the top. She messed up, she knows it hurt you. You also said you had issues with your younger sister but have a good relationship now; that wouldn't be so if you hadn't made an effort to move on. Think about whether you really want her out of your life - and what that will do to your relationships with your mother and other sisters. |
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Post by compeateropeator on Aug 2, 2017 1:28:30 GMT
I totally get being upset and feeling betrayed. However in my opinion, if it was my sister, the offense was not great enough to cause a huge split in our relationship. I can still love her and be pissed at her for what she said. I don't think I would ever let some words like that be the reason for ending my relationship with a sibling. She didn't tell any of your secrets , she just made an extremely uncalled for remark. If I thought she was truly sorry that would be it. But I guarantee I would not forget that she said it and would bring it up when necessary.  All that said - your feelings are your feelings and you do not need anyone's validation to have them. I am sorry that this happened and that it ruined a nice family celebration for you. I hope you can find peace with it and your sister. |
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Post by mollycoddle on Aug 2, 2017 1:29:32 GMT
Is this a pattern or a one time thing? Don't get me wrong. I would be pissed and hurt. I wouldn't cut my sister out of my life for a one time remark. It would have to be a pattern. This. Talk to her in person, leave your family out of it, and find a way to move on. You have every right to be hurt, but cutting off contact is extreme. I hope that you can find a way to move past this. |
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Post by Zee on Aug 2, 2017 1:31:03 GMT
I think you're right to feel hurt but your reaction is completely childish. Tattling to mom and refusing to speak to your twin ever again, the childish way you referred to past issues with younger sister, all tell me you don't handle confrontation in an adult manner.
Meet with your sister or call her, talk it out, and move on. And if you're this sensitive about your weight, maybe it's time to put your health first and work on that? Not that you're not entitled to feel hurt, don't get me wrong. I'd be hurt too, though I would have come up behind my sister and told her she better shut her mouth real quick because I've got 80lbs on her. Then see what she said. Heh. I'm not one to let things fester.
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Post by refugeepea on Aug 2, 2017 1:32:22 GMT
The no contact was over the top, but I understand how much that would hurt. I don't think it was wrong to send a message rather than talk in person. I'm the type of person who would get easily frustrated and the words wouldn't come out right so soon after a horrible insult.
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Post by hop2 on Aug 2, 2017 1:32:33 GMT
I think what she said was thoughtless and mean.
But I think, perhaps, you might have been somewhat hurtful in your response. Yes your feeling of betrayal and hurt are valid. But you said it was new unusual behavior for her. She's human she made a mistake. Maybe a big one. But I think maybe you did as well. She's your sister of 50+ years and your note issues an edict that your relationship with be forever changed going forward. Your note offers no grace, no indication to work on it together to move forward. I mean I guess if that's really what you want then fine. But if that behavior is truly new and unusual for her then maybe you want to take a breath and a pause before you claim a 50+ year relationship is forever changed irrevocably on one mistake. Unless your not giving the whole picture here. Did she say anything you have told us that gave you the impression that she's always throwing you under the bus?? I feel like I'm missing a piece of the story between what she said ad your response. I think maybe you let your hurt take over and you might want to reconsider the finality of your words. Do you really want to throw away an entire relationship on a first ( yet big ) mistake?
And yes I know what it's like to be betrayed and hurt and to blurt out hurtful things in return. And I know your hurting and that's valid. But you need to decide where you want to go from here.
I don't know if I'm making sense
Either way, yes what she said was thoughtless and mean. Hugs, lots of pea cyber hugs as you figure this out.
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janeinbama
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Post by janeinbama on Aug 2, 2017 1:34:28 GMT
(((Hugs)))I understand you are very hurt, but I hope your relationship with your twin and sisters can be saved. Prayers for all of you.
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kmcmullen
Shy Member
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Post by kmcmullen on Aug 2, 2017 1:35:35 GMT
There is no way for me to talk to her face to face as she lives 12 hours away from me and I will not be there anytime soon. My DH also feels I should not cut her out of my life but leave it open for her to reach out. I'm sure I will feel this way in time but as of right now, I don't know if I can do it yet.
One thing with my family, is it is a trend. An example of this trend is when my younger sister got mad at something my Mom said, she didn't speak to her for over 7 months. Wouldn't even tell her why she was mad.
To those who say I should of said something to her during the party, I didn't feel I could do that without either screaming at her or crying the whole time. I felt I didn't want to do that to my younger sister.
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Post by hop2 on Aug 2, 2017 1:36:00 GMT
Mom - that is a good question that I have been going over the past 2 days. Over the past 10 years when we would have special family events things have happened that would give me a funny feeling. But I would always say that I must be too sensitive but now that I witness this, I wonder if she has been doing these things for years and I just never knew it. One thing that she did a lot up until a year or so ago, we would be talking in a group and little by little she would move her body in front of me and block me from the conversation. The last time I put my hands on her shoulders nicely and moved her out of my way. I don't know if she even knew she was doing this. I do not agree that it wasn't her talking but the alcohol, she had a couple drink but was not drunk. Well then that would be different. If she's continually tossing you under the bus then maybe your spot on. Just give it a good think they and maybe investigate that before you regret stuff later. Hugs |
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Post by bc2ca on Aug 2, 2017 1:36:42 GMT
I get that what your sister said was hurtful, but agree with others that your reaction is really over the top. I have 3 sisters as well, and we do know what will push each others' buttons and don't hestitate to speak up if something said crossed a line. I might have said something to my mom if I was really irritated, but it wouldn't be for her to take sides, it would be because she was always a great sounding board and source of reason.
I'm saying this as gently as possible, but we can't hide our size. Anyone looking at the two of you would see you as identical except for your weight. It isn't as if she betrayed a secret. I think you need to step back and do a little introspection.
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Post by christine58 on Aug 2, 2017 1:40:01 GMT
There is no way for me to talk to her face to face as she lives 12 hours away from me and I will not be there anytime soon. My DH also feels I should not cut her out of my life but leave it open for her to reach out. I'm sure I will feel this way in time but as of right now, I don't know if I can do it yet. One thing with my Then CALL HER...She did reach out--she apologized. You took the passive aggressive way out of sending a message---just call her for crying out loud |
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Post by Clair on Aug 2, 2017 1:40:01 GMT
It's not just a sibling - it's an identical twin. The bond is different - the hurt is deeper.
I will say that you need let it go and move forward with your sister. You have a bond with her that you will never have with anyone else.
It's harder but you need to forgive. Would you really want a life without your twin?
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Aug 2, 2017 1:51:38 GMT
Maybe I just have a thick skin, but while I'd be mad about her dissing me to other people, I don't know that I'd completely cut her off forever over it. Have you never said anything critical or even less than positive about a family member to others? While what she said was rude and hurtful to you, I can't imagine you responding with, "Do not contact me, I will not get over this!" If she seems sincerely remorseful with her apology, I'd be inclined to forgive her and move forward.
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scrappyesq
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Post by scrappyesq on Aug 2, 2017 1:53:57 GMT
I hear where you're coming from OP. I don't speak to either of my sisters for this very reason: they talk about me relentlessly.
That being said, if there is the slightest chance that this was a one off I would cool down then try and talk to her again. My sisters were not worth it but I contemplated things a long hard time before I came to that conclusion.
**hugs**
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2017 1:58:11 GMT
I don't think you are wrong to be hurt, but I think you fought back dirty. You tattled to your Mom and then blamed her for your Mom being hurt. You called her two faced, essentially said that speaking to her would teach her nothing, and to not call you. You told her that you heard what ***YS*** said and that made you rethink every issue you had with her. Is this YS your younger sister? I'm a bit confused as to what was said that is giving you pause as I don't think you posted that part or why you felt the need to tell your twin this. Accept your sister's apology and just remain guarded around her until she proves herself to you.
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Post by annie on Aug 2, 2017 2:00:30 GMT
You're going to give up a relationship with your twin, whom you call your 'team', over one comment? I agree it was very insensitive, but talking it over with her would have been more mature than throwing away a lifelong loving relationship!! I think you are in the wrong. Makes no sense to me.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Aug 2, 2017 2:10:16 GMT
I think you are justified in being angry and hurt. I dont think talking about it at the party was a good idea. I have 7 sisters. So I know how complicated those relationships can be. I don't think this is worth losing a close relationship over. You need to give your sister a chance to fix it.
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