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Post by jumperhop on Jan 29, 2018 3:51:59 GMT
You have bigger issues than not getting out of bed/not turning in the phone when told. I teach/taught this age group for years. You HAVE to be consistent. AND your DH has to be on the same page which he obviously is not. There's your issue in a nut shell. And if you think he has NOT looked at porn...doubt it. I doubt there is any parent out there today that thinks their kid hasn’t seen Porn. Jen
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,375
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Jan 29, 2018 4:27:22 GMT
If it were me - and this depends if you're willing to participate, too - I would do a Sabbath media fast... as in no internet from midnight Saturday night/Sunday morning until Monday morning. I wouldn't do it as a punishment, per se... I would just see it as part of following the meaning of the Sabbath. Of course, as I type this, I am on 2Peas.
I have tried it - a day a week without internet - and it's actually been really rewarding. I am going to try to get back to it in February.
In general, I think it sounds like the problem is two-fold.
Problem 1 - you are concerned about him being on the phone/internet/social media too much. While it's true he does need to learn to manage these things, you're still the parents. You have every right to say 'No X after Y o'clock at night.' It would admittedly be ideal if that were a household norm/rule. And you definitely have to get your dh on-board. I've always said it's healthy for kids to see their parents manage conflict by being able to say, basically, "I although I don't entirely agree with you on this one, I'll respect your decision." If one parent doesn't really agree with a disciplinary measure, the kid knows anyway so I've never seen the point in pretending... just admit that, no, that's not how you would necessarily have handled it, but the other parent feels strongly enough about it that you're deferring to them. Anyway - in this case, because your DH has already suggested you're drill Sargent on this topic, if you can't get him on board he's likely to go behind your back & give the kid back his phone.
Problem 2 - your kids not wanting to go to church. Now, I admit that I grew up in a family where we were given the freedom to decide for ourselves if we believed wanted to continue attending at the age of 13 (after we finished grade 7 - our schools go Kindergarten to grade 7, then 8-12 - though when I was that age they went K-7, 8-10, 11&12). The reasoning being we'd been exposed long enough to take ownership of whether we believed & wanted to continue to explore faith. That said, I don't think it's illegal, immoral or life threatening to say to your kids, "Nope, sorry Charlie... I can't control whether you actually believe in God or not, and I won't try to. Still, I consider it an important time for our family to be together so as long as you are a minor living under our roof, you're going."
And then I'd try to find out what exactly makes them not want to go. I know in our church we have had difficulty keeping teens/families with teens, because we just don't have the programming for them. It's become a vicious circle, to be honest. Anyway... if it's something specific about your particular congregation, you might have a conversation about it. If it's just, 'Meh I don't want to go,' see above. And if somehow they don't go - if you have to leave them behind because they aren't ready on time - the consequence of that is they're not going out anywhere that day and no technology, either.
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Post by MissBianca on Jan 29, 2018 4:57:08 GMT
Questions: How long is your son at school etc every day? Does he have a job after school or sports? You said they were getting up earlier than normal for church, what time do you usually go? Is changing church time a common occurrence? Is he chronically late for things? Or just things that aren’t important to him? Once he’s up is his schedule on track with afternoon and evening events?
I ask because we are a family of night owls with the exception of my youngest boy, he is an early riser but mainly because he can watch tv In Peace. I swear the early riser gene skips a generation. My grandma would stay up til 2am every day, my parents are early risers, one of my brothers is an early riser but the other is a night owl like me. My oldest was up early until he started college, most of his college classes were at night and now his job is a night job. My middle boy is the absolute worst about mornings. He will never have a morning job, he will never have a morning class. No matter what time he goes to bed he will not get up, no alarm wakes him up. If I let him sleep in he rolls out at about noon. I get him up in the mornings for school but then between drama and fencing he’s at school from 7am to 9pm 5 days of that for months wiped him out. As long as he gets up for school the rest is not a hill I’m willing to die on. I get him, I’d be happy if the day started at 10am. We are very similar in a lot of ways.
You said that you had to repeatedly wake both your kids up. Since it’s half the family struggling to get up have you sat down and had a family meeting about it? Can you find some kind of a compromise? Are there other masses through the day? The church at our school has one at 8, 10, noon and 5. Would your son be willing to honestly (not lie about going) but go to a later mass in the afternoon? Or could you rearrange your Sunday schedule to go as a family to a later one? Or you and your husband go in the morning and your oldest take your 13yr old to a later one. It just sounds to me like you are both cut from the same cloth and are stubborn and dig in your heels. My middle boy and I are like that but we acknowledge that and try to find some compromise and I think you guys could come up with a solution too.
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Post by jumperhop on Jan 29, 2018 7:06:43 GMT
So earlier tonight I sat down with each son and told them I would not be waking them up anymore. My 13 year old who I thought would give me attitude just said ok. Then we went in his room and set his duel alarm clock. With my 16 year old I told him he would need to plug in his phone in my room and and he said, “ok.” I told him that if he didn’t he wouldn’t have his phone the next day. And that if it happens again I would be more than thrilled to save money by canceling his phone plan. No attitude at all and agreed to do it. I also told him that I wouldn’t get him up anymore. We will see if his Amazon echo can wake him up tomorrrow. His alarm clock disappeard so I will have to buy another one.
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Post by FrozenPea on Jan 29, 2018 8:13:44 GMT
Was the phone the reason for oversleeping? If so, then no prior warning is needed. If not, I could go either way.I Thanks, I believe the phone is the reason for the oversleeping. He refuses to turn it in at night and stays up on social media. Jen Our rules were phone turned off and charging on my desk by 9pm. When it was found out that the phone was used during the night it went into my room. When they turned 18 it was up to them to monitor their phone behavior. I say yes take the phone and establish phone rules. Parenting teens is tough.
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Jan 29, 2018 16:32:52 GMT
oh no, sister. That will not work. I would cut that phone off so quick he wouldn't know what happened. When I say give me the phone, he would have approximately 20 seconds to give it to me or he would have a phone with no service. Also? If he is this resistant to give you his phone, then you need to find somewhere else besides the kitchen for him to plug it into. Like under your pillow. Because he will go get it after you go to bed if he has access to it. You pay for the phone I assume, then you can turn it off. Tell him the consequences and then no cooperation = no phone service or wifi
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Post by jumperhop on Jan 29, 2018 16:46:22 GMT
So this morning went well. DS 16 got himself out the door no problems. DS 13 who I was worried about got himself up and upstairs ready to go 20 minutes before he normally does. It's a miracle. THANK YOU
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Post by mom on Jan 29, 2018 16:54:03 GMT
So this morning went well. DS 16 got himself out the door no problems. DS 13 who I was worried about got himself up and upstairs ready to go 20 minutes before he normally does. It's a miracle. THANK YOU Thats a great update! Make sure to follow through for the rest of the week - taking the phone at night, etc. SaveSave
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jan 30, 2018 1:43:53 GMT
Just keep it going! and be consistent!!!
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,408
Member is Online
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Jan 30, 2018 2:49:39 GMT
So this morning went well. DS 16 got himself out the door no problems. DS 13 who I was worried about got himself up and upstairs ready to go 20 minutes before he normally does. It's a miracle. THANK YOU GO MOM!!!! Great job! Stay the course and stay strong once the "honeymoon" is over.
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Post by katiejane on Jan 31, 2018 18:04:41 GMT
Glad you found something that worked. I would let him be late or attend a later service. My parents just switched to a later service when we were teens due to the fact all teens are night owls and we were so tired at the weekends.
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Post by merry on Jan 31, 2018 18:17:48 GMT
Has anyone heard about that app that you install on your phone that gives you the ability to shut down all apps but phone service on another smartphone? I met a woman who raved about it - said it fixed the issues she was having with her daughter immediately - and you don't have to have their phone physically (after initially installing the app, I believe.)
Sorry I can't remember the name, but it sounds like he handed it over. He may be grateful for the uninterrupted sleep.
Our local DA and police says nothing but trouble happens late night in a teen's bedroom with a smartphone. Said there's never a reason to leave a phone in their bedrooms at night.
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Post by kristi on Jan 31, 2018 18:35:53 GMT
I am glad it went well for you.
We require phones to be charged in our room at night. It has worked well.
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Post by jumperhop on Jan 31, 2018 19:11:01 GMT
Has anyone heard about that app that you install on your phone that gives you the ability to shut down all apps but phone service on another smartphone? I met a woman who raved about it - said it fixed the issues she was having with her daughter immediately - and you don't have to have their phone physically (after initially installing the app, I believe.) Sorry I can't remember the name, but it sounds like he handed it over. He may be grateful for the uninterrupted sleep. Our local DA and police says nothing but trouble happens late night in a teen's bedroom with a smartphone. Said there's never a reason to leave a phone in their bedrooms at night.M My friend uses OurPact. Jen
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peabrain
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,588
Jun 25, 2014 22:18:04 GMT
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Post by peabrain on Jan 31, 2018 19:31:12 GMT
It sounds like a good update and I admit I didn't read page 3 but my dad used to wake us up with the smoke detector if we overslept for church. Maybe buy an airhorn lol.
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