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Post by megop on Apr 3, 2018 3:48:36 GMT
I'm typically not one to air the personal life side here, but I'm truly curious how others have handled similar situations.
So I'm 7 years out from affair discovery and 3 years from official divorce. Yes, the split took that long and it wasn't very pretty. Fast forward to today, I get an "apology" from the ex. What??? Wait??? Who is this strange person I'm speaking to? We get along as we don't fight, we are polite, don't speak much and just sort of steer clear of each other, yet respectful. Which I had become completely fine and comfortable with.
Now granted, his choices cost him quite a bit both financially and in his relationships with friends and family, but I never, ever, EVER saw this coming and I have to admit, I'm a bit not knowing on how to feel about it. Please know, there is no chance to reconcile because we both made that clear from way back, but I did flat out ask him if he was still with the affair partner (whom none of his family has ever met ... I'm still invited with the kids to HIS family gatherings.) I asked because at this particular point in the journey, I can be happy and embrace just about anyone but her. He was honest and is still in that relationship. Which even more leads me to the why now, where the heck is this coming from and what in the heck do I do with it??
Happen to anyone else?
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Post by hop2 on Apr 3, 2018 3:53:06 GMT
Accept the apology and move on. Continue as you were. You don’t really need to do more than that
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Apr 3, 2018 3:55:52 GMT
Accept the apology and move on. Continue as you were. You don’t really need to do more than that  It's possible he's going through some sort of therapy that has "apologize to those you've wronged" as one of the steps. |
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Post by freecharlie on Apr 3, 2018 3:55:53 GMT
Maybe he is just making amends. Maybe he is in AA or something similar. Maybe life isn't great in paradise.
Accept the apology and move on. Knowing the reason, while probably satisfying isn't going to affect your life too much.
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Post by megop on Apr 3, 2018 4:01:44 GMT
Good advice peas. Thanks. I was struggling with it being such a "umkay, feeling a whole lot of nothing over here" and wanted to check my sometimes inner dark soul. LOL.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Apr 3, 2018 4:02:28 GMT
Maybe he is just making amends. Maybe he is in AA or something similar. Maybe life isn't great in paradise. Accept and move on. |
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Post by catmom on Apr 3, 2018 4:08:16 GMT
My initial thought is some type of therapy OR he finds himself on the other side of the affair equation and now realizes what a shit he was. Or maybe he just realizes he had it better than he thought. I'd be curious too. Not curious enough to ask though, no good can come of that.
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Deleted
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May 17, 2024 3:50:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2018 4:14:00 GMT
My initial thought is some type of therapy OR he finds himself on the other side of the affair equation and now realizes what a shit he was. Or maybe he just realizes he had it better than he thought. I'd be curious too. Not curious enough to ask though, no good can come of that. That or he's found religion or has a serious medical condition. Either way, accept the apology for what it's worth. |
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Post by Really Red on Apr 3, 2018 4:18:55 GMT
I don't know you or your ex, but my ex gave me a seemingly heartfelt apology. It was just what he thought he should do so he could say to people he did it. It meant nothing. Not to him and not to me.
But I'm always willing to hope! Maybe he saw the results of what someone else did and he had a moment of clarity about his own life and the pain he caused? Who knows? I might be interested enough to ask "Why now?" to him.
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Post by megop on Apr 3, 2018 4:29:24 GMT
I could have asked, but really, after finding out she was still in the picture, then receiving the apology, my "rather in shock" response was "well for goodness sake, don't settle just because it happened" and then got off the phone pretty quick. The call was co-parenting related and then this unexpected turn. I defaulted to a space toward what I would tell anyone, not just my ex. It was only after the convo over, I was all, wait ... WTH just happened?
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Deleted
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May 17, 2024 3:50:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2018 9:50:13 GMT
He might have found out that the grass wasn't as green as he thought it would be on the other side. But there again he might have also just realized how much hurt he had caused, I would just accept it and think no more of it. I have to admit a part of me would find it hard not to say " what made you say that "  |
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peabay
Prolific Pea
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Apr 3, 2018 10:51:32 GMT
Maybe he is just making amends. Maybe he is in AA or something similar. Maybe life isn't great in paradise. Accept the apology and move on. Knowing the reason, while probably satisfying isn't going to affect your life too much. It sounded very 12 step to me too. I’m sorry you’ve gone through this. Sounds like it was absolutely awful. |
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kelly8875
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Location: Lost in my supplies...
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Post by kelly8875 on Apr 3, 2018 13:18:04 GMT
It hasn’t happened to me, and I don’t know if it ever will. But it’s fine. I know the truth, and know what other people believe, and that’s enough for me. Knowing that others believe what I believe is validation for my own feelings.
I did once have the change to call him out on a different relationship he had, and he was shocked I knew. His face was priceless, and he knew he was busted.
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Post by librarylady on Apr 3, 2018 13:40:28 GMT
My friend ran into her ex at a hardware store. They exchanged pleasantries, had a little chit chat (How are parents? etc)
and then he told her he wished he had tried more in the marriage, and they should have stayed together. Needless to say, she
was shocked. I'm not sure what she said. Ex stayed with the woman for whom he left her.
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Post by Mel on Apr 3, 2018 13:43:26 GMT
I was thinking a 12 step thing too. Or... could he be ill? Trying to get "his house" in order.
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Post by pattyraindrops on Apr 3, 2018 13:58:25 GMT
We often hear people say, "well if they would just apologize then..." I think as a society we recognize apiligies are important. Whether it is AA or the grass was greener or just plain recognizing the pain he caused you, if he is sincere it doesn't much matter what brought him to that state, though I understand the curiousity - though I think sometimes the curiousity is just us trying to determine sincereity.
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freebird
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Post by freebird on Apr 3, 2018 14:04:20 GMT
To grow as a human being, to serve a better purpose, sometimes you need to make amends who those you've wronged. Maybe he just wants to be a better person.
Doesn't sound like he asked for anything other than your ear for a moment. Good for him for moving in the right direction.
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Post by mcscrapper on Apr 3, 2018 14:08:17 GMT
Apologies are often for the one making them. Maybe he is feeling guilty about how he treated you and maybe he is going through therapy and part of this treatment requires apologizing just like an addict would do in AA. In that sense, the apology is for him.
I hate to be cynical but some people are career manipulators and I would hope his apology is not appealing to your softer side in hopes of getting back in your good graces and strike up another affair. I'm not at all saying he is but I've seen it happen.
Women are emotional and apologies go a long way with us sometimes - especially from our partners.
I'd accept the apology and move on. No other words have to be spoken about it - the apology or the affair.
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Dalai Mama
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Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on Apr 3, 2018 14:10:36 GMT
Yes, when reading your OP, I definitely got a Step 9 feel from his apology.
My advice? Whatever his motivations, take it as closure.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by mallie on Apr 3, 2018 14:41:54 GMT
Don't waste any more of your time overthinking his actions. Shrug and move along.
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Post by buckeyegirl on Apr 3, 2018 14:53:13 GMT
I would be curious and want to know what prompted the apology, but the others are probably right in saying nothing good can come from asking.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2018 14:53:36 GMT
My cynicism says this is for his benefit to feel like his conscience is clear. I also suspect he may be moving his relationship with TOW forward and planning to propose or something. Believe him or don't, but don't dwell on it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2018 15:06:43 GMT
Mine did that right before he got remarried, 364 days after I left. I just said whatever move on. The reality is he beat me within an inch of my life but that’s not the part he apologizes because “I deserved that”. He apologizes for the not being an attentive husband the fuck that means.
Recently it came to light that he had an affair on his wife and he felt the need to tell me all about it because he admits to his mistakes. I was whatever dude just stop telling our kids about the affair because that isn’t any of their business. Our 14 yo is very hurt and confused and her only job is to love and respect her dad so keep your dirty laundry to yourself you idiot.
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Post by Zee on Apr 3, 2018 15:22:55 GMT
Who knows why...my ex bf from almost 30 years ago just recently contacted me on fb. It was an abusive unhealthy relationship that ended very badly but I bear him no ill will after all this time, we were just kids really. I think he was really surprised that I responded and happy that I don't hate him.
He didn't really apologize but I don't need an apology from him because I moved on a long time ago. Maybe he just wanted to know how I am and now he can move on too.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2018 16:45:42 GMT
We have friends that divorced about 3 years ago. Saw the husband recently and he apologized to ME! Said he made mistakes, and he's having depression now because of all the mistakes he's made. I WISH he would have apologized to HER!! What the heck? He always asks how she is when we see him. Yes, he made a big mistake!! But she's moved on--and then the next time I saw him, he was holding the hand of the lady he told his wife meant nothing to him except friendship. She was visiting him from another state--stayed with him a week. Mind you, this guy is in his 80's. They were married for over 50 years.
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Post by papersilly on Apr 3, 2018 18:22:40 GMT
who knows why people apologize? but a apology is an apology if it's sincere.
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Post by ladytrisha on Apr 3, 2018 20:05:11 GMT
My BIL started seeing a therapist - 2 divorces, and a very strained relationship with his 2 grown kids. He went over to my ex-SIL (who I was childhood friends with); asked to speak to her privately and offered a very heartfelt apology to her for his behavior leading to their divorce.
She felt exactly like you did and called me in shock.
It didn't change much of their communication going forward, but I think it was something that must have been discussed in therapy and he got to check off the box. She appreciated that moment for what it was.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Apr 3, 2018 20:52:19 GMT
Just move along and don't respond. Don't count it as sincere. My ex gets drunk and goes back and forth between I still love you (he's remarried and so am I) and you ruined my entire life. I just roll my eyes at this point.
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scrappinmama
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by scrappinmama on Apr 3, 2018 21:21:05 GMT
Take the move along, nothing to see here approach.
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marianne
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Jun 25, 2014 21:08:26 GMT
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Post by marianne on Apr 3, 2018 22:36:15 GMT
Accept the apology and move on. Continue as you were. You don’t really need to do more than that Don't waste any more of your time overthinking his actions. Shrug and move along. Good advice ^^up there^^. |
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