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Post by mustlovecats on Sept 24, 2018 13:55:59 GMT
I don’t hear horrible person... I hear child with a real problem. This a mental health issue. I’m sure he is horrible to be around but mental illness isn’t the fault of the parent and it doesn’t make a person a horrible person.. a parenting deficit with a child who has a mental health issue is often the result of the mental health issue. This child needs counseling and help and maybe medication. I guarantee that is the case. This is not normal “bad parenting” bratty behavior.
By all means limit contact yes.. it is often hard to be around a person acting out as a result of their condition and I don’t fault a person limiting their time in that environment. But you have described a child having a significant problem who needs help.
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trollie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,580
Jul 2, 2014 22:14:02 GMT
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Post by trollie on Sept 24, 2018 13:59:43 GMT
Your OP states that cutting ties is not an option, but please stop exposing your kids to your nephew's abuse. Family or not, you need to protect your sons from this. You are doing them a huge disservice.
Like others have said, your nephew needs intervention now.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Sept 24, 2018 14:26:27 GMT
At 10 years old, all that stuff is throwing up huge red flags that something is seriously off. As much as you want to be supportive of family, I wouldn’t do so if it put my own kids at risk. Since the mom has noted that she is concerned, I would tell her ALL the stuff your kids have told you he’s done and said around them (or have them tell her themselves) and I would also suggest she get him in to see a therapist ASAP. That kind of behavior goes way beyond what any parent can correct on their own. Hugs, it’s hard to witness that kind of stuff especially when it’s someone in your own extended family. Some of my siblings’ kids were deviants, but nothing of that magnitude.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Sept 24, 2018 14:32:08 GMT
Cutting ties (not subjecting your family to him) NEEDS to be an option for the health of your family.
At least until they get him the help he needs.
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Post by Prenticekid on Sept 24, 2018 15:12:33 GMT
Frankly, if you care at all about your family, you will refuse to have your children around this child until he is in therapy, and geniune improvements have been made. I'm not even sure what you mean when you say you can't cut ties...he freaking kicked your sons in the groin! Why would you subject them to his behavior? That is like not cutting ties with the uncle who abused them or something. I'm not even saying you have to cut family ties, but be a parent to your own children. You seem to want to call your SIL out on her parenting, yet you are permitting a 10 year old abuse your sons. What are you doing when this is going on? Do you admonish him? Get your sons and walk out of the damn door.
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The Great Carpezio
Pearl Clutcher
Something profound goes here.
Posts: 2,930
Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Sept 24, 2018 15:23:58 GMT
Let me give you perspective of being a current parent of ten year olds who are "not easy" twin 10 year olds and one is very difficult to deal with at times (very pronounced and obvious ADHD/sensory and has issues in school and often in every day life without meds--with meds he is much different).
They do not talk about sexual stuff at all (other than age appropriate questions about self care). They would be super uncomfortable with anyone who did that. They don't even know most of the vocabulary associated with anything overly sexual. They do not kick people in the groin. They don't hit anyone but each other sometimes----nor do they call people outside of each other and DH and I, names, and when they do it isn't related to anything size, race, gender related (it is usually calling each other jerks/asses and telling me/dh that we are mean or dumb--and we have consequences for this and it only happens when they get really worked up).
They both get mad/ragey and scream sometimes. My ADHD one will do it in public sometimes still but a lot less than he used to. I can't imagine he would EVER do what that child did at his own birthday. At worst, one of them might get pouty or moody at something like that, but they wouldn't do that. They went through a lying stage, but we are seeing a lot less of this (they mostly just lie about each other's behavior). At home and at school, they seem to be able to take responsibility most of the time. They don't steal. They don't purposely break things, but I could see them in a rage at some point doing that.
Other than the sexual stuff, any of those things, one off, might still fall into "normal" ten year old, but all together and the sexual stuff alone would make me very concerned. My nephew is 14 and has special needs and has friends with special needs. They sometimes say some weird and inappropriate sexual things but they are intellectually below their physical maturity. I feel like my sil and bil ignore too much of what he says, but at the same time, at their age and with their issues, it is much less concerning than a normally developed 10 year old.
Counseling would be a priority right now. No "maybe" at this point with those behaviors. It will only get worse with puberty on the horizon. I would not try to diagnose him, but again, trauma seems likely; otherwise, those are some pretty scary sociopathic type behaviors (not diagnosing but I would be very concerned).
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Sept 24, 2018 15:33:50 GMT
At age 10 and the focus on sex, I would certainly have a therapist investigate sexual abuse of the boy. I would find the best therapy in the area and get the child into a program ASAP.
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Post by sean&marysmommy on Sept 24, 2018 15:34:44 GMT
Frankly, if you care at all about your family, you will refuse to have your children around this child until he is in therapy, and geniune improvements have been made. I'm not even sure what you mean when you say you can't cut ties...he freaking kicked your sons in the groin! Why would you subject them to his behavior? That is like not cutting ties with the uncle who abused them or something. I'm not even saying you have to cut family ties, but be a parent to your own children. You seem to want to call your SIL out on her parenting, yet you are permitting a 10 year old abuse your sons. What are you doing when this is going on? Do you admonish him? Get your sons and walk out of the damn door. I agree with this completely. I'm sorry if it sounds harsh to you, but it's so true. You have to protect your sons first, not your relationship with your SIL. I hope all of the comments here saying the same thing will have an effect on you. Be honest with your SIL, be there for her, emphasize the importance of her son getting help....but keep your precious boys away from that kid. :/
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 20, 2024 15:08:21 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2018 15:44:23 GMT
One kick to the groin... serious talking to. Two kicks to the groin and that kid is not allowed around my kids. I can't imagine what type of torture his siblings are enduring on a daily basis. This kid needs therapy ASAP.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Sept 24, 2018 15:45:51 GMT
I'll bet $10k right now that kid's been molested. Why is he not in therapy? Mom needs to man up a bit and take the bull by the horns.
When one of my nieces acts like an asshole (yes, I'm thinking of one in particular), I don't engage, I just turn away from her and start talking with other people. She hates that she doesn't get the attention she wants, but *I* am not going to give it to her.
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The Great Carpezio
Pearl Clutcher
Something profound goes here.
Posts: 2,930
Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Sept 24, 2018 15:56:29 GMT
I am wondering how much contact you and your kids have with your nephew. Multiple times a week/month? Or a handful of times a year?
I think that I would definitely limit contact until the child gets counseling and makes some changes; I am not sure with the age difference that I would eliminate all contact. I guess I feel that with a 16 year old you could have a discussion about the nephew's behavior and your concerns and they could pretty much stay away from him at gatherings. At my own kids' age (10), it would be more concerning to keep them separate, but a full grown teen could hang with the adults and/or hang on their phones or with each other. I find most teens can find ways to keep themselves from the younger relatives fairly easily at family gatherings if they so choose.
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Post by auntkelly on Sept 24, 2018 16:09:27 GMT
OP, is there anyone in the family who can take the sister in law aside and say "Your son seems to have some pretty serious issues and needs to be in counseling. How can we as a family help you make that happen?"
If the sister in law refuses to get help, I would try to cut ties w/ her as much as possible. Regardless of whether she seeks help for her son, I would make sure that my boys were never alone w/ their cousin, not even for a second. Not only would I worry about my sons' physical safety, but I would also worry that they might someday be falsely accused of sexually abusing their cousin. I think it is a big red flag that a ten year old is discussing sexual acts w/ his 16 year old cousins.
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Post by Really Red on Sept 24, 2018 16:20:18 GMT
Cutting ties (not subjecting your family to him) NEEDS to be an option for the health of your family. At least until they get him the help he needs. I agree. It should be at the very minimum for your children - that is to say, they should not come to events where this boy is. If you can't cut ties personally, that sounds like you can handle it, but your kids cannot. It is a disservice to them not to put them first.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 20, 2024 15:08:21 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2018 16:28:34 GMT
At age 10 and the focus on sex, I would certainly have a therapist investigate sexual abuse of the boy. I would find the best therapy in the area and get the child into a program ASAP. Yes double this.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Sept 24, 2018 16:30:19 GMT
Oh my god!!! I would never subject my child to that. I don’t care if she were my sister! I would consider a group home placement for violence! Not acceptable!!!
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Sept 24, 2018 16:33:24 GMT
good lord, that kid needs to be seen by a counselor pronto and get some expert help. Do his parents think he'll just 'grow out of' this behavior, or something?? Why haven't they spoken to their pediatrician about it already?
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slkmommy
Junior Member
Posts: 97
Jun 28, 2014 3:56:16 GMT
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Post by slkmommy on Sept 24, 2018 16:39:26 GMT
I have not read any responses, but they probably all say the boy needs help now.
He does....but honestly don't expect much improvement.
My sister's grandchildren are almost EXACTLY the same age as my children. From the time the oldest were 3, the difference was already evident between my son and his cousin. Given the same toy, my son would play with it, the other would destroy it.
As they got older, my son became the target of awful verbal abuse, and my sister would just say to tell my boys to suck it up.
Well, to get to the end of the story, my son has two bachelor degrees and a decent job, and her grandson is in prison for multiple felonies.
Plead with the parents to get him help, or have your kids steer away as best they can. I personally just wouldn't allow unsupervised time with the cousins.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Sept 24, 2018 16:39:39 GMT
He would no be allowed in my house, he would have zero contact with my family and would no exist to us. Reading your thread put me into rage mode and I would shake the shit out of your SIL to figure what in the fuck is wrong with him! If he ever ever touched my son ...clearly I have anger and violent issues.
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Nink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,947
Location: North Idaho
Jul 1, 2014 23:30:44 GMT
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Post by Nink on Sept 24, 2018 16:40:57 GMT
No way would I let my kiddos around him anymore. If you still want to be around the family, then that’s up to you, but I’d surely not make my kids go too. He needs help and needs it now. I see a Discovery I.D. episode in his future if he doesn’t get it soon.
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Post by Basket1lady on Sept 24, 2018 16:43:57 GMT
OP, is there anyone in the family who can take the sister in law aside and say "Your son seems to have some pretty serious issues and needs to be in counseling. How can we as a family help you make that happen?" If the sister in law refuses to get help, I would try to cut ties w/ her as much as possible. Regardless of whether she seeks help for her son, I would make sure that my boys were never alone w/ their cousin, not even for a second. Not only would I worry about my sons' physical safety, but I would also worry that they might someday be falsely accused of sexually abusing their cousin. I think it is a big red flag that a ten year old is discussing sexual acts w/ his 16 year old cousins. This. The mom is overwhelmed and is in the thick of it. Much of her son’s behavior is glossed over because she is used to it—it’s normal in it’s own way. If she isn’t a proactive parent, she won’t know where to begin, will be overwhelmed, and justify his actions. I would encourage you to talk with some other family members and to start finding a therapist. The 10 year old needs one, the mom needs one, and the other siblings need help too. I worry about him sexually abusing his siblings and just the trauma they live with daily. And yes, I wouldn’t allow my own children to be alone with him until you see some resolution.
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Post by mom on Sept 24, 2018 17:02:34 GMT
OP, is there anyone in the family who can take the sister in law aside and say "Your son seems to have some pretty serious issues and needs to be in counseling. How can we as a family help you make that happen?" If the sister in law refuses to get help, I would try to cut ties w/ her as much as possible. Regardless of whether she seeks help for her son, I would make sure that my boys were never alone w/ their cousin, not even for a second. Not only would I worry about my sons' physical safety, but I would also worry that they might someday be falsely accused of sexually abusing their cousin. I think it is a big red flag that a ten year old is discussing sexual acts w/ his 16 year old cousins. Definitely this. Offer to help support her in getting her son to therapy. She is probably over whelmed and quite frankly, scared.
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Post by myshelly on Sept 24, 2018 17:38:52 GMT
I know you say in the OP that cutting ties isn’t an option, but that’s not fair to your kids.
I would never allow my child to be around someone who had physically assaulted them more than once.
Create times when your kids can see their grandparents without this kid present. Let your husband go see his side of the family without the rest of you. Whatever it takes, but don’t subject your kids to this.
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Post by leftturnonly on Sept 24, 2018 17:41:30 GMT
Because this is a topic that has come up several times over the years, I just want to take a moment to say that our first thoughts may feel like a sledgehammer if they are just blurted out. These children are almost always very close relatives that are loved and worried over by the people asking questions. We need to always remember that as we give our thoughts. My sister's grandchildren are almost EXACTLY the same age as my children. From the time the oldest were 3, the difference was already evident between my son and his cousin. Given the same toy, my son would play with it, the other would destroy it. As they got older, my son became the target of awful verbal abuse, and my sister would just say to tell my boys to suck it up. Well, to get to the end of the story, my son has two bachelor degrees and a decent job, and her grandson is in prison for multiple felonies. Plead with the parents to get him help, or have your kids steer away as best they can. I personally just wouldn't allow unsupervised time with the cousins. Felonies that include violence against other people, no doubt. This is exactly where this young boy is heading without serious, immediate, professional intervention. He needs to start seeing a psychologist and/or a psychiatrist. Right now. He sounds like he has ODD, or is dealing with some form of EBD, or is even a sociopath. I am not throwing those terms out loosely. The behaviors you have described sound like some clients I’ve worked with in the past who have also dealt with those 3 disorders. Counseling would be a priority right now. No "maybe" at this point with those behaviors. It will only get worse with puberty on the horizon. I would not try to diagnose him, but again, trauma seems likely; otherwise, those are some pretty scary sociopathic type behaviors (not diagnosing but I would be very concerned). She needs to have him evaluated. IMO---he's been sexually abused at some point. Or he's been exposed to some pretty sexual pictures etc. He does not feel good about himself which is why he says what he does to your sons, lies etc. I taught kids like him for a majority of my teaching career. He needs help or he will be spending a lot of time in the 'system'. I hear child with a real problem. This a mental health issue. I’m sure he is horrible to be around but mental illness isn’t the fault of the parent and it doesn’t make a person a horrible person.. a parenting deficit with a child who has a mental health issue is often the result of the mental health issue. This child needs counseling and help and maybe medication. I guarantee that is the case. This is not normal “bad parenting” bratty behavior. @tinyt - I pulled these out for you to find faster. Whatever is going on with your nephew, this is the information you asked for.
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Post by papersilly on Sept 24, 2018 17:43:10 GMT
behavior like this makes me uneasy because it makes me wonder if the behavior will escalate through adulthood. i hope he gets some kind of therapy to help him process whatever is going on in his mind right now.
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Post by flanz on Sept 24, 2018 17:46:33 GMT
She needs to have him evaluated. IMO---he's been sexually abused at some point. Or he's been exposed to some pretty sexual pictures etc. He does not feel good about himself which is why he says what he does to your sons, lies etc. I taught kids like him for a majority of my teaching career. He needs help or he will be spending a lot of time in the 'system'. This is my first thought as well.
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Post by pierkiss on Sept 24, 2018 17:48:49 GMT
behavior like this makes me uneasy because it makes me wonder if the behavior will escalate through adulthood. i hope he gets some kind of therapy to help him process whatever is going on in his mind right now. There is no wondering. If it is not dealt with now, it will absolutely escalate. Behaviors are ALWAYS easier to correct at the beginning, and get exponentially harder to correct as time goes on and the person ages. Unless consequences and socially acceptable replacement behaviors are taught (along with other things), these behaviors will get worse.
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
Jun 25, 2014 21:53:42 GMT
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Sept 24, 2018 17:49:21 GMT
You can’t control when or if your family member decides to get help for this kid, but you can control who is around you and your kids and I would be removing myself and family from that whole situation like now. Your own kids deserve better than being around someone like that.
As for the child...my first thought when I read this was he has been subjected to sexual abuse.
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Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
Posts: 4,664
Jun 25, 2014 19:33:19 GMT
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Post by Rhondito on Sept 24, 2018 17:53:25 GMT
Your OP states that cutting ties is not an option, but please stop exposing your kids to your nephew's abuse. Family or not, you need to protect your sons from this. You are doing them a huge disservice. Like others have said, your nephew needs intervention now. I agree. It would be really easy to use school projects and homework as an excuse for their absence.
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Post by papersilly on Sept 24, 2018 17:54:47 GMT
behavior like this makes me uneasy because it makes me wonder if the behavior will escalate through adulthood. i hope he gets some kind of therapy to help him process whatever is going on in his mind right now. There is no wondering. If it is not dealt with now, it will absolutely escalate. Behaviors are ALWAYS easier to correct at the beginning, and get exponentially harder to correct as time goes on and the person ages. Unless consequences and socially acceptable replacement behaviors are taught (along with other things), these behaviors will get worse. ok, now that freaks me out for OP's family. i just envision it starts with bugs getting their legs pulled off, then neighborhood pets going missing, and if he has an obsession with s&x, then odd fixations on girls. i don't mean to think like an alarmist but i think i've seen a Dateline or two when they delve into a criminal's childhood. not to say he'll be a criminal but you know what i mean.
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Post by hop2 on Sept 24, 2018 18:02:52 GMT
I’m sorry, but at this point for the safety of YOUR children I’d cut contact with this kid. Period. I know you said you can’t but for the welfare of your boys you should. Sorry, im not trying to be mean, but, are you going to wait until your boys have a permanent injury?
Obviously the kid needs therapy - a lot of it & quickly. But it’s not up to you. You can’t control if they bring their kid to therapy. The protection of your kids is up to you.
And yes your boys could have a permanent injury ask a urologist if you doubt me.
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