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Post by revirdsuba99 on Sept 25, 2018 0:09:47 GMT
Regardless of whether she seeks help for her son, I would make sure that my boys were never alone w/ their cousin, not even for a second. Not only would I worry about my sons' physical safety, but I would also worry that they might someday be falsely accused of sexually abusing their cousin. I think it is a big red flag that a ten year old is discussing sexual acts w/ his 16 year old cousins. Please remove and protect your boys!! Yesterday the youngest kicked one of our boys in the groin. Our son got incredibly angry with him and the little kid ended up crying. I think they've watched too many videos where everyone thinks it's funny to prank people, the more pain someone has the funnier it is to them. Do not make excuses. This has nothing to do with Videos. If one has been molested he will molest the younger one in time, if he hasn't already.
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Post by mrssmith on Sept 25, 2018 0:15:42 GMT
I think this child has ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) and needs a referral from his pediatrician for a professional evaluation. These are some major red flags that something is going on. This is not within the range of "normal" or "typical" behavior for a 10 year old. Please look up the NICHQ Vanderbilt Assessment Scales Evaluation. ODD most commonly affects children and adolescents. Symptoms of ODD include: *frequent temper tantrums or episodes of anger *refusal to comply with adult requests *excessive arguing with adults and authority figures *always questioning or actively disregarding rules *behavior intended to upset, annoy, or anger others, especially authority figures *blaming others for their own mistakes or misbehaviors *being easily annoyed vindictiveness Sounds spot on. You and your DH need to speak frankly with them that your nephew needs help. He is harming those around him, esp. his little brother.
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Post by Lexica on Sept 25, 2018 0:20:11 GMT
This groin kicking MUST stop! There is so much damage than occur! If your boys must be around these kids, tell them to always be prepared for a kick and the second they see a leg being raised, tell them to reach down and grab the leg or foot of the kicker before they can make contact. They need to learn how to prevent this from happening to them! Or go get them some cups to be worn on visits. I am very concerned about this family, but at the moment, I’m concerned about your boys, especially since this happened to them again, just yesterday! If you don’t believe me, ask your sons’ doctor.
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Post by meridon on Sept 25, 2018 0:32:37 GMT
OP, please stop referring to him as a horrible kid. I have three kids with attachment issues who experienced developmental trauma...my kids are often the "horrible" kids. But they are just kids. You need to separate the child from the behavior.
I echo what everyone else has said--he and likely the whole family needs counseling. But please don't define him by his behavior. Also, it's likely that his parents will need to learn everything they can about theraputic parenting. If you truly want to help the family, learn everything you possibly can about developmental trauma disorder, which will probably envelop RAD, ODD conduct disorder, etc. and other clusters of behaviors that really are all on the same spectrum when the next edition of the DSM comes out.
You might benefit from learning about secondary trauma/PTSD and compassion fatigue as it sounds like his mom is experiencing both of those. It's a huge taboo in our culture, but domestic violence can be perpetrated by a child on their parent, leading to PTSD in the parents.
I'm not any sort of clinician, I'm just speaking from my own experience as a "trauma mama" and teacher who is a huge advocate for trauma-informed classrooms.
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Post by christine58 on Sept 25, 2018 0:36:59 GMT
ODD most commonly affects children and adolescents. Symptoms of ODD include: *frequent temper tantrums or episodes of anger *refusal to comply with adult requests *excessive arguing with adults and authority figures *always questioning or actively disregarding rules *behavior intended to upset, annoy, or anger others, especially authority figures *blaming others for their own mistakes or misbehaviors *being easily annoyed vindictiveness True...BUT you also need to add in the sexual behaviors/language.(most ODD kids don't turn it on and off either....he apparently is fine at school) I also don't think WE should be diagnosing this child. He does need to be seen but the OP is not going to be able to make that happen. So she needs to call CPS, keep her own kids away, and since this is her DH's brother's child--HE needs to talk to his brother.
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Sept 25, 2018 0:45:58 GMT
Obviously, this boy is troubled. OP needs to stop putting her kids in the way of harm, family or not. I would not force my kids to be around someone who hurts them physically and emotionally.
I think it's crazy how many of you are jumping to diagnose this kid and declare him a victim of sexual abuse.
He needs immediate, intense psychological help. He needs a father who will stand up to the mother who is damaging him.
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Post by mom2samlibby on Sept 25, 2018 2:51:30 GMT
You can read about Eric Smith. He was a very young teen , who led his cousin into the woods and killed him. Eric was an angry child and I believe that there was abuse. The 4 year old that he murdered was not his cousin. OP, your nephew needs help. Please do whatever you can to help him get it. Call CPS, talk to the parents, whatever it takes.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Sept 25, 2018 3:08:07 GMT
I honestly felt like a was reading a story line from Law & Order SVU. He does not sound normal at all an it doesn't just sound like crappy parenting. I would never leave my children with him. He needs an evaluation ASAP. He is scary. This. The kid is a ticking time bomb. It’s not an “if” he will hurt someone, it’s a “how soon & how bad”. This is way beyond bad parenting.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Sept 25, 2018 3:19:56 GMT
OP, is there anyone in the family who can take the sister in law aside and say "Your son seems to have some pretty serious issues and needs to be in counseling. How can we as a family help you make that happen?" If the sister in law refuses to get help, I would try to cut ties w/ her as much as possible. Regardless of whether she seeks help for her son, I would make sure that my boys were never alone w/ their cousin, not even for a second. Not only would I worry about my sons' physical safety, but I would also worry that they might someday be falsely accused of sexually abusing their cousin. I think it is a big red flag that a ten year old is discussing sexual acts w/ his 16 year old cousins. Very good advice in this whole post.
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Post by kkrenn on Sept 25, 2018 6:01:34 GMT
I'm sorry but my first thought was, I wonder if he is doing inappropriate things with his younger brother. In my experience that much curiosity is not limited to vocabulary...
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Post by 50offscrapper on Sept 25, 2018 6:05:28 GMT
I vote sexual abuse victim. The kicking in the groins is telling to me.
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Post by 50offscrapper on Sept 25, 2018 6:21:16 GMT
Thanks for replying everyone, I was away this morning and couldn't come back sooner. I'll try to answer as many questions as possible. There are some parenting issues, you have to witness it to fully understand it. I also think this child is heading down a dangerous path and I don't think we're the right people to talk to her about it. This boy has issues, but not having a mom that fully identifies them is part of the problem. She worries for him but not in the "my child is turning into a sociopath" kind of way because she doesn't understand the signs. When she does realize she was manipulated by him she excuses his behaviour and says she remembers how badly she wanted things when she was little so how can I punish him for something when I know how he's feeling. And please understand when I say her other kids are ok, they still have issues as a result of the parenting, just none that are setting off flags like this boy does. I don't want to bash her kids, the issues they do have are directly related to her parenting but not alarming, just annoying and not something I would put up with from our kids. But the horrible child is beyond anything I've ever experienced. She justifies his behaviour, she doesn't see that he's manipulating her. She feels like her kids are owed everything in life and gets upset when things don't work out. The father has been demeaned by his wife so much that he's gotten quiet. If he sees bratty behaviour out of his children he'll say something, and then his wife tells him he should try to understand that they're just expressing themselves. Or the father will put his foot down on an issue with the kids, the kids run to mom for pity and she gives in to them and then proceeds to tell her husband how to parent, in front of the kids. Her husband has zero confidence in his parenting skills because he's always being demeaned. So the father is always around, but allows his wife to parent. This boy is smart, he knows not to do it in front of adults. I've never heard of him getting into trouble at school. There are a lot of cousins his age so I really don't think any of them would take note that him talking about his body/sex all the time isn't normal. Our boys are old and they always tell us how out of order his comments are. Just yesterday he had been walking around in the house with their cat and then proceeded to undress to his undies to be funny and taunted all the boys that he had nipples and they didn't. Weird random stuff. Our boys told him to put his clothes back on now. His younger brother gets the brunt of this boys behaviour but he's also starting to pick up on it. Yesterday the youngest kicked one of our boys in the groin. Our son got incredibly angry with him and the little kid ended up crying. I think they've watched too many videos where everyone thinks it's funny to prank people, the more pain someone has the funnier it is to them. My sil is in a race against other kids when it comes to telling her kids about sex and babies, etc. She feels strongly that if she can't be the first person to tell her kids about it, then she's been robbed of an experience. I think part of it was telling her children all the details far sooner than this boy could handle. They are open about discussing sex, but she doesn't understand that it's only feeding his weird sexual craze. He tattles and manipulates any situation by running to his mom. If the cousins are playing baseball he'll come running to say that so and so said he's cheating but he's not, the other kid did this and this. And the mom believes him every. single. time. We've watched it happen. The kid tried to tattle to me once at our annual family campout by running up to me and saying our boys weren't being very nice. (he wanted to hammock that the older boys had just sat on and they refused to move for him) Rather than his mom talking to him about tattling she encourages it by jumping every time. So that day I looked at him and said "I don't care" and that I don't want to hear it unless our boys are causing blood to pour out of someone else. The sil walked away because she was upset with me that I didn't handle it better. The entire family groans when this kid comes tattling but no one every stands up and says anything. Ever. We go to the same church so we "see" each other frequently but in each other's homes about 6-8 times a year. If we say anything we are the bad guy. There is no way to come out of this unscathed. My husband said he will figure out what to do. He knows this kid's behaviour is absolutely not ok but his family has an interesting dynamic. We do not condone it, but at this point I'm sure they think I'd be over-reacting. My husband's side of the family has had a ton of drama (picture physically fighting over the grandma's casket) and he'd rather limit our interaction and not be the one to bring in more drama. My sister suggested I should call one of the other sisters and ask if their boys ever mention this horrible kid's behaviour, or perverse actions. That maybe doing so would be a round about way of handling it without being the messenger. Mostly everyone just thinks this kid is a brat, I don't know if they're fully aware of how he behaves. We'll see. I do know it is already limiting our time with them and will only increase if we don't see change. I am so sorry but you really need to cut ties immediately. Do you want that kid to accuse your sons of inappropriate touching or sexual abuse? Or if he kicks them again and they hit him, what do you think could happen. Get some courage, tell your Sil bye. Why on earth are adults allowing themselves to be manipulated by a 10 year old? And harshly that includes you. Your boys are going to end up accused by that kid. His undressing is not normal. Protect your boys.
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Post by Frazzled Mom on Sept 25, 2018 6:22:42 GMT
Your first priority, REMOVE your kids from that situation, NOW! Family or not, your kids come first. If you need to sever ties, so be it! Your nephew needs some serious help NOW! This.
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Post by 50offscrapper on Sept 25, 2018 6:32:51 GMT
OP, please stop referring to him as a horrible kid. I have three kids with attachment issues who experienced developmental trauma...my kids are often the "horrible" kids. But they are just kids. You need to separate the child from the behavior. I echo what everyone else has said--he and likely the whole family needs counseling. But please don't define him by his behavior. Also, it's likely that his parents will need to learn everything they can about theraputic parenting. If you truly want to help the family, learn everything you possibly can about developmental trauma disorder, which will probably envelop RAD, ODD conduct disorder, etc. and other clusters of behaviors that really are all on the same spectrum when the next edition of the DSM comes out. You might benefit from learning about secondary trauma/PTSD and compassion fatigue as it sounds like his mom is experiencing both of those. It's a huge taboo in our culture, but domestic violence can be perpetrated by a child on their parent, leading to PTSD in the parents. I'm not any sort of clinician, I'm just speaking from my own experience as a "trauma mama" and teacher who is a huge advocate for trauma-informed classrooms. I get what you are saying but he is exhibiting down right horrible behavior. His behavior is beyond awful and his parents need parenting classes. He knows there are no boundaries. Weird that he behaves at school. Maybe because there are boundaries there.
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,734
Jun 27, 2014 20:37:34 GMT
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Post by purplebee on Sept 25, 2018 11:37:14 GMT
I agree with what the majority is saying. OP you must put your foot down immediately to protect your own children. Let go of whoever is leaning on you to just put up with the behavior of this incredibly dysfunctional 10 year old. It is not worth sacrificing your own boys to keep the peace with a family who does not want to deal with an impaired child. He will accuse your boys of something terrible, and given his obsession with sex, it will be sexual.
If you can see no way of helping your nephew by being completely honest with your nephew's parents, or calling CPS, stay away from them. This is so sad, that poor child. At 10 he should be obsessed with sports, or science, or cars....not sex and hurting others.
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Post by mlynn on Sept 25, 2018 20:57:29 GMT
Thanks for replying everyone, I was away this morning and couldn't come back sooner. I'll try to answer as many questions as possible. There are some parenting issues, you have to witness it to fully understand it. I also think this child is heading down a dangerous path and I don't think we're the right people to talk to her about it. This boy has issues, but not having a mom that fully identifies them is part of the problem. She worries for him but not in the "my child is turning into a sociopath" kind of way because she doesn't understand the signs. When she does realize she was manipulated by him she excuses his behaviour and says she remembers how badly she wanted things when she was little so how can I punish him for something when I know how he's feeling. And please understand when I say her other kids are ok, they still have issues as a result of the parenting, just none that are setting off flags like this boy does. I don't want to bash her kids, the issues they do have are directly related to her parenting but not alarming, just annoying and not something I would put up with from our kids. But the horrible child is beyond anything I've ever experienced. She justifies his behaviour, she doesn't see that he's manipulating her. She feels like her kids are owed everything in life and gets upset when things don't work out. The father has been demeaned by his wife so much that he's gotten quiet. If he sees bratty behaviour out of his children he'll say something, and then his wife tells him he should try to understand that they're just expressing themselves. Or the father will put his foot down on an issue with the kids, the kids run to mom for pity and she gives in to them and then proceeds to tell her husband how to parent, in front of the kids. Her husband has zero confidence in his parenting skills because he's always being demeaned. So the father is always around, but allows his wife to parent. This boy is smart, he knows not to do it in front of adults. I've never heard of him getting into trouble at school. There are a lot of cousins his age so I really don't think any of them would take note that him talking about his body/sex all the time isn't normal. Our boys are old and they always tell us how out of order his comments are. Just yesterday he had been walking around in the house with their cat and then proceeded to undress to his undies to be funny and taunted all the boys that he had nipples and they didn't. Weird random stuff. Our boys told him to put his clothes back on now. His younger brother gets the brunt of this boys behaviour but he's also starting to pick up on it. Yesterday the youngest kicked one of our boys in the groin. Our son got incredibly angry with him and the little kid ended up crying. I think they've watched too many videos where everyone thinks it's funny to prank people, the more pain someone has the funnier it is to them. My sil is in a race against other kids when it comes to telling her kids about sex and babies, etc. She feels strongly that if she can't be the first person to tell her kids about it, then she's been robbed of an experience. I think part of it was telling her children all the details far sooner than this boy could handle. They are open about discussing sex, but she doesn't understand that it's only feeding his weird sexual craze. He tattles and manipulates any situation by running to his mom. If the cousins are playing baseball he'll come running to say that so and so said he's cheating but he's not, the other kid did this and this. And the mom believes him every. single. time. We've watched it happen. The kid tried to tattle to me once at our annual family campout by running up to me and saying our boys weren't being very nice. (he wanted to hammock that the older boys had just sat on and they refused to move for him) Rather than his mom talking to him about tattling she encourages it by jumping every time. So that day I looked at him and said "I don't care" and that I don't want to hear it unless our boys are causing blood to pour out of someone else. The sil walked away because she was upset with me that I didn't handle it better. The entire family groans when this kid comes tattling but no one every stands up and says anything. Ever. We go to the same church so we "see" each other frequently but in each other's homes about 6-8 times a year. If we say anything we are the bad guy. There is no way to come out of this unscathed. My husband said he will figure out what to do. He knows this kid's behaviour is absolutely not ok but his family has an interesting dynamic. We do not condone it, but at this point I'm sure they think I'd be over-reacting. My husband's side of the family has had a ton of drama (picture physically fighting over the grandma's casket) and he'd rather limit our interaction and not be the one to bring in more drama. My sister suggested I should call one of the other sisters and ask if their boys ever mention this horrible kid's behaviour, or perverse actions. That maybe doing so would be a round about way of handling it without being the messenger. Mostly everyone just thinks this kid is a brat, I don't know if they're fully aware of how he behaves. We'll see. I do know it is already limiting our time with them and will only increase if we don't see change. I suggest that neither you nor your husband say anything to friends or family members. What I DO suggest is that you call child protective services on behalf of horrible nephew and his younger brother. Express concern that he is being abused and that he has begun to abuse his brorther. Reporters can be anonymous. By not approaching family members, you avoid having the arrow pointed at you when they are contacted.
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lucybelle
Shy Member
Posts: 44
Jun 28, 2014 20:19:33 GMT
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Post by lucybelle on Sept 25, 2018 22:33:29 GMT
I can't remember who it was, but I saw a video of a doctor telling about the young son of a friend. After they tried all the therapy, etc. This guy insisted the child get a brain scan. He had to call up a favor from another doctor friend to get it done. After the child had surgery to remove a tumor he began acting normal. I think the point of the video was when there are behavior issues most doctors jump to the idea of psychotherapy, when maybe there is a physical medical condition at fault. But most doctors do not do brain scans for bratty behavior, when maybe they should consider checking into it.
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Post by Zee on Sept 26, 2018 1:54:47 GMT
Obviously, this boy is troubled. OP needs to stop putting her kids in the way of harm, family or not. I would not force my kids to be around someone who hurts them physically and emotionally. I think it's crazy how many of you are jumping to diagnose this kid and declare him a victim of sexual abuse. He needs immediate, intense psychological help. He needs a father who will stand up to the mother who is damaging him. I don't think anyone is stating that they know he's a victim of sexual abuse, just that he has so many red flags. Enough to certainly warrant an investigation. From the OP's post it seems like there are some odd attitudes about sex in that home/family/church circle (I didn't really get the "rushing to tell them about sex" comment).
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Post by delila on Sept 27, 2018 19:03:10 GMT
The pets will be his target soon if they aren't already. You said previously he was carrying a cat around, that alarmed me. Pets can't speak out for themselves.
delila
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