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Post by mygigiscraps on Sept 24, 2018 18:10:06 GMT
Cutting ties (not subjecting your family to him) NEEDS to be an option for the health of your family. At least until they get him the help he needs. Exactly. OP, can you name one other person you would stand by and allow to repeatedly kick your children in the crotch? Bully them and call them names? And then go out and buy a gift for? No doubt your nephew needs help. But showing your own children that someone should get a pass on that behavior towards them just because they are family certainly doesn't set a good example for them in the future. Your nephew's behavior is nothing short of abusive towards your sons. If you don't expect a stranger to get away with it, why would you let family?
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Post by anniefb on Sept 24, 2018 18:35:54 GMT
I agree he sounds like he is need of serious professional help and needs to be evaluated ASAP.
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Post by Mary_K on Sept 24, 2018 18:42:52 GMT
Where the hell is the dad?
Why isn't he in therapy.
I can guarantee that CPS would be called if he were in therapy. There's no way a 10 yo boy should be using all those sexual remarks. He got those terms from someone.
Mary K
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Post by twinks on Sept 24, 2018 18:43:43 GMT
This child needs some serious help. I would suggest getting him evaluated ASAP. One of the books that I read along time ago, called "The Explosive Child" indicated that a lot of time "misbehavior" has an underlining problem and getting a diagnosis or some help is warranted.
I also go on the premise that a child will not hurt someone more than he is hurting. This child is hurting and his parents need to find out what is going on and help him.
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Post by giatocj on Sept 24, 2018 18:56:44 GMT
Family or not I wouldn't be subjecting my kids to this type of behavior, ever...not in a million years. I don't care who they are, I would stay away (and keep my kids away) from him until he gets the help he clearly needs.
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Post by chlerbie on Sept 24, 2018 18:58:42 GMT
I have a friend who began dealing with things like that with her child and it progressed to him inappropriately touching neighborhood girls, right around when he turned 12. She'd been trying to get him help, but until that happened, it was difficult. Therapy didn't help. He's now in a group home situation where he does better but she's afraid to bring him home because on his visits, he seems unchanged.
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Deleted
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May 20, 2024 13:24:24 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2018 19:25:18 GMT
I honestly felt like a was reading a story line from Law & Order SVU. He does not sound normal at all an it doesn't just sound like crappy parenting. I would never leave my children with him. He needs an evaluation ASAP. He is scary. I agree. I was totally picturing that one manipulative boy that was hurting his sister when I read this.
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,682
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Sept 24, 2018 19:35:41 GMT
I am wondering how much contact you and your kids have with your nephew. Multiple times a week/month? Or a handful of times a year? I think that I would definitely limit contact until the child gets counseling and makes some changes; I am not sure with the age difference that I would eliminate all contact. I guess I feel that with a 16 year old you could have a discussion about the nephew's behavior and your concerns and they could pretty much stay away from him at gatherings. At my own kids' age (10), it would be more concerning to keep them separate, but a full grown teen could hang with the adults and/or hang on their phones or with each other. I find most teens can find ways to keep themselves from the younger relatives fairly easily at family gatherings if they so choose. I agree with this. I know my 17yo would have no problem telling his cousin to knock it the hell off if they did that and would probably welcome the chance to steer clear of them in the future.
As for the kid, obviously counseling is in order. I too wonder how he is in school. If he's not showing these behaviors in school then that's even more concerning, but if he is then surely the school has talked to the parents about getting him help. My guess is mom has been blowing it off as a phase, hopefully she's starting to realize that he's not going to outgrow this. How is he towards his siblings? If they're getting beat up by him then maybe a call to CPS is in order for their safety.
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Deleted
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May 20, 2024 13:24:24 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2018 21:00:48 GMT
Thanks for replying everyone, I was away this morning and couldn't come back sooner. I'll try to answer as many questions as possible.
There are some parenting issues, you have to witness it to fully understand it. I also think this child is heading down a dangerous path and I don't think we're the right people to talk to her about it. This boy has issues, but not having a mom that fully identifies them is part of the problem. She worries for him but not in the "my child is turning into a sociopath" kind of way because she doesn't understand the signs. When she does realize she was manipulated by him she excuses his behaviour and says she remembers how badly she wanted things when she was little so how can I punish him for something when I know how he's feeling.
And please understand when I say her other kids are ok, they still have issues as a result of the parenting, just none that are setting off flags like this boy does. I don't want to bash her kids, the issues they do have are directly related to her parenting but not alarming, just annoying and not something I would put up with from our kids. But the horrible child is beyond anything I've ever experienced. She justifies his behaviour, she doesn't see that he's manipulating her. She feels like her kids are owed everything in life and gets upset when things don't work out.
The father has been demeaned by his wife so much that he's gotten quiet. If he sees bratty behaviour out of his children he'll say something, and then his wife tells him he should try to understand that they're just expressing themselves. Or the father will put his foot down on an issue with the kids, the kids run to mom for pity and she gives in to them and then proceeds to tell her husband how to parent, in front of the kids. Her husband has zero confidence in his parenting skills because he's always being demeaned. So the father is always around, but allows his wife to parent.
This boy is smart, he knows not to do it in front of adults. I've never heard of him getting into trouble at school. There are a lot of cousins his age so I really don't think any of them would take note that him talking about his body/sex all the time isn't normal. Our boys are old and they always tell us how out of order his comments are. Just yesterday he had been walking around in the house with their cat and then proceeded to undress to his undies to be funny and taunted all the boys that he had nipples and they didn't. Weird random stuff. Our boys told him to put his clothes back on now. His younger brother gets the brunt of this boys behaviour but he's also starting to pick up on it. Yesterday the youngest kicked one of our boys in the groin. Our son got incredibly angry with him and the little kid ended up crying. I think they've watched too many videos where everyone thinks it's funny to prank people, the more pain someone has the funnier it is to them.
My sil is in a race against other kids when it comes to telling her kids about sex and babies, etc. She feels strongly that if she can't be the first person to tell her kids about it, then she's been robbed of an experience. I think part of it was telling her children all the details far sooner than this boy could handle. They are open about discussing sex, but she doesn't understand that it's only feeding his weird sexual craze.
He tattles and manipulates any situation by running to his mom. If the cousins are playing baseball he'll come running to say that so and so said he's cheating but he's not, the other kid did this and this. And the mom believes him every. single. time. We've watched it happen. The kid tried to tattle to me once at our annual family campout by running up to me and saying our boys weren't being very nice. (he wanted to hammock that the older boys had just sat on and they refused to move for him) Rather than his mom talking to him about tattling she encourages it by jumping every time. So that day I looked at him and said "I don't care" and that I don't want to hear it unless our boys are causing blood to pour out of someone else. The sil walked away because she was upset with me that I didn't handle it better. The entire family groans when this kid comes tattling but no one every stands up and says anything. Ever.
We go to the same church so we "see" each other frequently but in each other's homes about 6-8 times a year. If we say anything we are the bad guy. There is no way to come out of this unscathed. My husband said he will figure out what to do. He knows this kid's behaviour is absolutely not ok but his family has an interesting dynamic. We do not condone it, but at this point I'm sure they think I'd be over-reacting. My husband's side of the family has had a ton of drama (picture physically fighting over the grandma's casket) and he'd rather limit our interaction and not be the one to bring in more drama.
My sister suggested I should call one of the other sisters and ask if their boys ever mention this horrible kid's behaviour, or perverse actions. That maybe doing so would be a round about way of handling it without being the messenger. Mostly everyone just thinks this kid is a brat, I don't know if they're fully aware of how he behaves. We'll see. I do know it is already limiting our time with them and will only increase if we don't see change.
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Deleted
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May 20, 2024 13:24:24 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2018 21:02:46 GMT
I am wondering how much contact you and your kids have with your nephew. Multiple times a week/month? Or a handful of times a year? I think that I would definitely limit contact until the child gets counseling and makes some changes; I am not sure with the age difference that I would eliminate all contact. I guess I feel that with a 16 year old you could have a discussion about the nephew's behavior and your concerns and they could pretty much stay away from him at gatherings. At my own kids' age (10), it would be more concerning to keep them separate, but a full grown teen could hang with the adults and/or hang on their phones or with each other. I find most teens can find ways to keep themselves from the younger relatives fairly easily at family gatherings if they so choose. I agree with this. I know my 17yo would have no problem telling his cousin to knock it the hell off if they did that and would probably welcome the chance to steer clear of them in the future.
As for the kid, obviously counseling is in order. I too wonder how he is in school. If he's not showing these behaviors in school then that's even more concerning, but if he is then surely the school has talked to the parents about getting him help. My guess is mom has been blowing it off as a phase, hopefully she's starting to realize that he's not going to outgrow this. How is he towards his siblings? If they're getting beat up by him then maybe a call to CPS is in order for their safety.
Our boys stay as far away as they can. They tell him to knock it off. Nothing helps, he thinks he's being hilarious. And yes, mom says he's going through a phase. Forgot to add, he's an absolute jerk to his younger brother but not physical beyond what normal brothers would do. His latest thing is to look at his brother at the dinner table and tell him "you're ugly", just like he did yesterday with the other kids. The older two get frustrated with him regarding his stupid behaviour.
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Deleted
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May 20, 2024 13:24:24 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2018 21:16:06 GMT
Turn them into cps.
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Post by christine58 on Sept 24, 2018 21:19:32 GMT
Call CPS....tell them about the behaviors, tell them everything...can't hurt. They will either take the call or not. BUT your DH should have a convo with his brother. If he is hurting his younger sibling, that mom is supposed to protect them ALL.
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Deleted
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May 20, 2024 13:24:24 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2018 21:20:25 GMT
Where the hell is the dad? Why isn't he in therapy. I can guarantee that CPS would be called if he were in therapy. There's no way a 10 yo boy should be using all those sexual remarks. He got those terms from someone. Mary K The mom would say he picked it up at hockey. Apparently that's all 10 year old boys talk about, 12 year old's having sex on the bus? The other cousin was exposed to porn at age 9, his friends showed him. They joke about it because they think they're being cool. One mom races to tell their kids about sex and then that boy goes to all his friends and they can't stop talking about it.
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Post by Basket1lady on Sept 24, 2018 21:22:16 GMT
I agree with this. I know my 17yo would have no problem telling his cousin to knock it the hell off if they did that and would probably welcome the chance to steer clear of them in the future.
As for the kid, obviously counseling is in order. I too wonder how he is in school. If he's not showing these behaviors in school then that's even more concerning, but if he is then surely the school has talked to the parents about getting him help. My guess is mom has been blowing it off as a phase, hopefully she's starting to realize that he's not going to outgrow this. How is he towards his siblings? If they're getting beat up by him then maybe a call to CPS is in order for their safety.
Our boys stay as far away as they can. They tell him to knock it off. Nothing helps, he thinks he's being hilarious. And yes, mom says he's going through a phase. Forgot to add, he's an absolute jerk to his younger brother but not physical beyond what normal brothers would do. His latest thing is to look at his brother at the dinner table and tell him "you're ugly", just like he did yesterday with the other kids. The older two get frustrated with him regarding his stupid behaviour. That poor little brother. If he's being rude and inappropriate with your 16 YO sons, you know he is with his little brother (who must be younger than 10.) That's not ok nor should it be dismissed as normal sibling behavior. Keep your boys away from this kid. Support them when they avoid this cousin. Encourage the family to get help. That's probably about all you can do unless you are willing to call CPS.
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Post by Zee on Sept 24, 2018 21:25:22 GMT
He shows all the red flags of sexual abuse. Obviously those are not normal behaviors for anyone of any age. He's going to become an adult abuser without some intense intervention. I would not allow him around my children, nor would I tell them to punch him (say what?). He needs a lot of help, not further violence. Tempting though it may be!
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Deleted
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May 20, 2024 13:24:24 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2018 21:29:08 GMT
He shows all the red flags of sexual abuse. Obviously those are not normal behaviors for anyone of any age. He's going to become an adult abuser without some intense intervention. I would not allow him around my children, nor would I tell them to punch him (say what?). He needs a lot of help, not further violence. Tempting though it may be! I just don’t know where the abuse would come from. Not the dad, I’d be willing to place a bet it’s not the dad. The grandpa is a little creepy but then I think we’d see more of it because there’s over 12 male grandsons and 3 granddaughters. Maybe a coach? But he’s always been a little off, SIL said he’s always had a weird fascination. And yes, my reaction was out of anger. Our boys would never hit anyone.
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The Great Carpezio
Pearl Clutcher
Something profound goes here.
Posts: 2,930
Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Sept 24, 2018 21:30:18 GMT
My one son is in hockey and is almost 11. They don't talk about sex.
Boys do talk about penises "dicks" and butts sometimes at that age, but I don't hear boys running around talking about sexual intercourse at 10/11. I would say 12 is where more of that starts--full on middle school.
I am really open about sexuality (about our bodies) and pretty open about sex, but I think I keep it age appropriate and my no impulse control boy doesn't seem to have an issue with sex talk. He doesn't strip down or kick people in the groin. I just don't think that is really normal at ten and to some extent, any age (definitely groin part and even overt sex talk--esp in 2018 #metoo time).
All the other stuff, mostly sounds like not-great parenting due to lack of structure and consequences and an manipulating child who has learned to use that to get attention and what he wants; he thinks his "charming" behavior works on everyone. But the sex/physical stuff is really concerning.
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IAmUnoriginal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,894
Jun 25, 2014 23:27:45 GMT
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Post by IAmUnoriginal on Sept 24, 2018 21:30:33 GMT
You said you all go to the same church. Would your pastor be the type to step in and speak to SIL if you spoke to him in confidence? Would SIL take the pastor seriously or just blow him off?
CPS is another avenue I'd look at. If they do nothing, they do nothing. If they go talk to SIL, maybe she'll get your nephew the help she needs to get herself off the CPS radar. At this point, I'd try about anything to draw attention to nephew and SIL's household. All of your nephews need help -- the one showing the issues outwardly and the ones being abused by him.
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Post by workingclassdog on Sept 24, 2018 21:32:02 GMT
He needs serious help now. It WILL continue. I know of a boy who is now 21 and is one step away from being homeless. Never got the right therapy and now can't even hold down a simple job. He was the EXACT say way.. not so much the sexual stuff but the major manipulation, lying, stealing, and incredibly mean.. he was all that.
Anyways, if SIL can't/won't do anything about it. I would NOT attend any family function he was apart of. I don't care. My own family means more to me than any extended family. EVER. I would not subject my kids to that kind of talk and actions. Just wouldn't happen. Period. Even if that meant I wouldn't see them again ever.
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Post by christine58 on Sept 24, 2018 21:44:27 GMT
I am willing to bet this child is not monitored on the internet...that could be where the sex stuff is also coming from
Call CPS, limit your time with him and empower your boys to tell him to stop.
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Post by gritzi on Sept 24, 2018 21:44:28 GMT
There are deep, troubling issues that you cannot fix. However, there's no way myself, my husband or boys would be around him. What are you going to do when a false allegation is made against on of your teens? There's no way in hell I would risk one of my kids for the sake of family.
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azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755
Jun 25, 2014 22:49:18 GMT
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Post by azredhead on Sept 24, 2018 21:53:18 GMT
Call CPS....tell them about the behaviors, tell them everything...can't hurt. They will either take the call or not. BUT your DH should have a convo with his brother. If he is hurting his younger sibling, that mom is supposed to protect them ALL. THIS 1,0000x please if he is hurting others I hope someone can step in!! It ca't be good for everyone, and walking on egg shells on a 10yr old?!! I totally feel for you! I don't have kids but one of my nephews went through this briefly, but they had major life changes at the time. He still flips out from time to time but the violent temper tantrums and threats went away for the most part. I know he was seeing a school counselor in Jr high, he's almost 18 now. I don't know how long that lasted. (the counseling I mean). It's hard especially if it's not your kid, and we don't have kids so we don't get a say but maybe showing concern for his well being and theirs?
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Post by busy on Sept 24, 2018 21:56:56 GMT
Like everyone else has said, this is not about poor parenting, this a child who needs serious psychiatric help immediately.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Sept 24, 2018 22:04:35 GMT
Where the hell is the dad? Why isn't he in therapy. I can guarantee that CPS would be called if he were in therapy. There's no way a 10 yo boy should be using all those sexual remarks. He got those terms from someone. Mary K The mom would say he picked it up at hockey. Apparently that's all 10 year old boys talk about, 12 year old's having sex on the bus? The other cousin was exposed to porn at age 9, his friends showed him. They joke about it because they think they're being cool. One mom races to tell their kids about sex and then that boy goes to all his friends and they can't stop talking about it.I don’t necessarily think that’s true. We’ve had age appropriate discussions about those kinds of topics with our DD since she was about six. Our neighbor was having twins and DD naturally had questions so we answered them honestly without getting all graphic. The other thing we stressed was that she could always ask us anything, but that our conversations were just between us and that she should not talk about those topics to other kids at school because it is their parent’s job to talk to answer their questions. Now that she’s a little older we have had more involved conversations about puberty and sex so she will know what to expect when her period starts and those kinds of things, but it definitely isn’t anything that she just randomly talks about. I doubt very much that she has ever talked about it with her friends at school, and if some other kid was talking about those topics around her I’m sure I would definitely hear about it because she knows they are not taboo subjects at home.
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Post by busy on Sept 24, 2018 22:05:47 GMT
We go to the same church so we "see" each other frequently but in each other's homes about 6-8 times a year. If we say anything we are the bad guy. There is no way to come out of this unscathed. My husband said he will figure out what to do. He knows this kid's behaviour is absolutely not ok but his family has an interesting dynamic. We do not condone it, but at this point I'm sure they think I'd be over-reacting. My husband's side of the family has had a ton of drama (picture physically fighting over the grandma's casket) and he'd rather limit our interaction and not be the one to bring in more drama. This isn't about "coming out of it unscathed." So you become the black sheep of the family - it sounds like it wouldn't really be a big loss. But this is a child who is in dire need of professional help. Don't worry about petty stuff - think about this kid, who you presumably love because he's family even if you do not like him at all, continuing to get worse as he grows if he doesn't get help NOW. Advocate for him. Report the family to CPS if you have to. This kid deserves a chance. Put on your big girl panties and make something happen.
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Post by malibou on Sept 24, 2018 22:29:38 GMT
Let's say you do nothing, and the mother continues down her path, and the dad does nothing. What do you think this kid will be doing in 2 years? How about as he goes thru puberty with sky high testosterone flowing thru him?
I can't picture anything good.
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PaperAngel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,365
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Sept 24, 2018 22:40:26 GMT
I feel so sorry for this little boy. He seems to have no adults in his life willing to answer his blatant cries for help. Rather than calling him names, placing blame exclusively on your SIL, & repetitively offering your children as his target/audience, please encourage his parents (or pursue whatever avenue necessary) to get him the help he desperately needs & deserves!
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IAmUnoriginal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,894
Jun 25, 2014 23:27:45 GMT
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Post by IAmUnoriginal on Sept 24, 2018 22:43:40 GMT
OP, if the troubled child were your BFF’s son, would you still force your children to spend time with that child? If one of your sons’ classmates behaved toward one of your boys in the way your nephew is, would you have stepped in and made the school handle the child in question? Your nephew shouldn’t get a pass, and your DSs shouldn’t have to tolerate your nephew’s abuse, because of a DNA connection. It’s sad that we hold strangers and acquaintances to a better standard of behavior than family members. Shouldn’t it be the opposite?
I read this somewhere else a long time ago and have applied the same logic to my own brother, who can be a bit rough around the edges “You don’t get to mistreat me, act like an ass and then play the family card like it’s some sort of diplomatic immunity.” Don’t make your boys accept lesser behavior just because nephew is family. That’s no excuse for allowing this to continue. If SIL wants to continue to live with it without seeking help, that’s her choice. Your choice should be to protect your nuclear family from further contact with your nephew until he is actively getting professional help and has been under the care of a professional for a solid 6 months at minimum.
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Post by mrsscrapdiva on Sept 24, 2018 22:44:23 GMT
I think this child has ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) and needs a referral from his pediatrician for a professional evaluation. These are some major red flags that something is going on.
This is not within the range of "normal" or "typical" behavior for a 10 year old.
Please look up the NICHQ Vanderbilt Assessment Scales Evaluation.
ODD most commonly affects children and adolescents. Symptoms of ODD include:
*frequent temper tantrums or episodes of anger *refusal to comply with adult requests *excessive arguing with adults and authority figures *always questioning or actively disregarding rules *behavior intended to upset, annoy, or anger others, especially authority figures *blaming others for their own mistakes or misbehaviors *being easily annoyed vindictiveness
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Deleted
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May 20, 2024 13:24:24 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2018 23:27:39 GMT
You can read about Eric Smith. He was a very young teen , who led his cousin into the woods and killed him. Eric was an angry child and I believe that there was abuse.
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