|
|
Post by shanniebananie on Nov 5, 2018 17:25:38 GMT
My husband and I have a few things in our marriage of 23 years that we feeling absolute about and pretty much nothing is going to change our mind.
Mine is no fire arms of any kind in our home. I don't feel we need one for protection (because honestly, if they are stored properly in a locked safe and ammunition is stored somewhere else, they are useless in a home invasion) and I am absolutely against them for hunting animals of any kind. I feel incredible anxiety around guns and didn't want to bring an object into our home that could be used to harm or kill another living being. Hubby has always respected this and never tried to convince me otherwise. In the meantime, he did get firing range safety supervised by the NRA to help my son when he would go on target shooting trips with the Boys Scouts. They both definitely have been trained for safely handling a gun. I was fine with them shooting targets as long as no guns come into our home.
Well, I found out this weekend that DH has purchased a high power rifle. I get all his texts on my computer, so it popped up there. I was not snooping on his phone. The text was letting him know the rifle was ready for pickup. My heart just sunk. I couldn't believe that he did this without even telling me he was considering this! I did ask him about it. He didn't deny it and said that he is going to use it for shooting clay targets. Never has he ever expressed an interest in this. He did get a bit defensive when I questioned him. Made it seem like I was overreacting (I never raised my voice) and what's the big deal. Not only that, the gun cost hundreds of dollars. We can afford that, but we usually give each other a heads up before making a large purchase. Never apologized or acknowledged my feelings.
I am feeling pretty hurt that he just went ahead and did this and is acting like it is no big deal. How would you react? Should I just get over it? I told him I was hurt that my feelings weren't considered and he really didn't seem to care. He certainly didn't apologize. I have never before been aware of him doing something behind my back that he knows I wouldn't like. It makes me question if he really cares about my feelings.
What do the peas think? Should I bring it up again? I don't want this to be a major fight, but I am feeling so low that he did this without regarding me. It is very much unlike him to do this.
ETA:
DH and I haven't had a chance to talk about this since yesterday and he hasn't called me at all today. Have no idea if he is cross with me or is feeling guilty. He has a dinner and meeting tonight, so I have no idea when we can talk about this.
Let em address some of the concerns brought up in the responses. First the texts and being able to see them. The reason I get his texts (and he gets mine) seems to be some glitchy thing in our cloud with concern to our iPads and my MacBookPro. He is well aware this happens and he has done nothing to fix it. It doesn't seem to bother him. It has been like this for 2 years.
Second, the money spent. I have absolutely no problem with the amount of money spent. We can easily afford this. However, throughout our marriage we have always just touched base before spending more than $200. It is just a way that we show respect for one another and to make sure the other didn't already have plans for the money. I can guarantee you that he would question me if I spent hundreds of dollars on something that I had never before had any interest in buying without first mentioning it to him.
Third, where and how will the gun be stored. I have no idea. We didn't get that far in the conversation. I really don't want it in my house, even locked up. Someone mentioned it was a relief when her child was suffering from depression that a gun was not in the house. That is my worry with my teens. One for sure is showing signs of sadness and anxiety. Of course they can harm themselves in other ways. Why give them access to another choice?
I am going to ask him to store the gun at his father's house which is 5 miles away.
Fourth, what are his absolutes? I wanted a third child, he did not. I respect that and never pushed to try and persuade him to change his mind. We have a dog right now, he absolutely wants no more animals of any kind after this one. I would love a cat. No one in the house is allergic - he just wants no more animals period. Oh, I have considered bringing home a rescue dog or cat many times and just asking for forgiveness. But, I just can't do that knowing how strong he feels. BTW, we used to have a cat and another dog when we first got married, but he has made this absolute decision in the last few years. So, he changed his mind and I accept that.
I will definitely update everyone when have had a chance to talk again. By reading the "magic" texts I know he is scheduled to pick it up tomorrow.
|
|
|
|
Post by Jockscrap on Nov 5, 2018 17:36:37 GMT
I’d be furious and I totally validate your feelings. Is sounds pretty disrespectful of your relationship. If he wants to do clay target shooting, can he not hire a gun at the range? I’m sorry you are in this position. It would be a major fight in my house and we rarely argue.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 13:48:12 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2018 17:39:27 GMT
I don't feel comfortable with a gun in the house either and would be hurt if DH went ahead and bought one despite knowing how I feel about them; however, if your son and DH are target shooting already, then it almost seems like the next progression of things to want to own their own guns. Since it's already a done deal, I'd insist on a gun safe.
|
|
MaryMary
Pearl Clutcher
Lazy
Posts: 2,975 
|
Post by MaryMary on Nov 5, 2018 17:40:18 GMT
I would be furious. This has been a point of contention in my marriage.
|
|
|
|
Post by Zee on Nov 5, 2018 17:42:06 GMT
I guess I'd want to know where and how he plans to store the gun and why he didn't consult me first about a hundreds of dollars purchase. I wouldn't mind the gun being used for clay shooting but it should have been discussed.
I'd start by asking him why he didn't talk it over first.
|
|
|
|
Post by crimsoncat05 on Nov 5, 2018 17:45:48 GMT
hmmm... this is a tough one. For me, my answer is colored by the fact that I do NOT have those feelings about guns.
But, to take that out of it-- you have very strong feelings about never bringing a particular item into your home. You will not (apparently) consider ever changing those feelings (I say apparently because I'm just guessing you guys have discussed it before. Correct me if I'm wrong.)
He has feelings that do NOT align with yours about this particular item and he went 'behind your back' and purchased it. Have you discussed this with him yet?
Perhaps he purchased it but it can or will be stored at the shooting range, or somewhere other than your home? is it purchasing one at all that's the issue, even if it could be stored somewhere away from your home?
I'd have a tough time with the 'behind your back' situation, and I think I would need to discuss it as a general respect in the relationship thing. I'm not sure how two people can reconcile something they have such different feelings about, but I think there should be room in there somewhere for compromise of some sort. My DH has spent larger sums of $$ on items that I didn't know about until after the purchase (and we had the $$ for the purchases), but they were NOT items I have an opposition to having in the house.
|
|
|
|
Post by lisacharlotte on Nov 5, 2018 17:47:00 GMT
I don’t monitor DH spending. I can’t think of any item he would buy that would be a deal breaker for me unless it was illegal or put us in financial jeopardy. I may not participate in the use, but I’m not in charge of his choices. I guess you need need to decide if this really is a deal breaker. It sounds like he’s not taking it back because you don’t aporove. I would not expect an apology for his having a different idea about gun ownership. I say this as a person who owns a gun.
|
|
CeeScraps
Pearl Clutcher
~~occupied entertaining my brain~~
Posts: 3,829
|
Post by CeeScraps on Nov 5, 2018 17:48:55 GMT
He should of talked to you first. I can see his interests changing as he gets older, but this is a biggie! You could ask him why he didn't talk to you first, but on a guess he didn't think about it.
Find out what is storage for the gun and the ammunition is going to be. You should have a plan in mind so you're not caught off guard.
|
|
|
|
Post by papersilly on Nov 5, 2018 17:51:04 GMT
like a car? like my DH did? a few years ago he just came home with a new car. it was a trendy little car back then and people were on waiting lists for it. somehow, he found one that was immediately available. i never liked the car much and was secretly happy there was a wait list hoping he might lose interest. nope, he found it and bought it without me there. even to this day, we consider it his one "gimme".
|
|
|
|
Post by Susie_Homemaker on Nov 5, 2018 17:52:45 GMT
I think this is where compromise needs to come in. He wants/bought a gun and now you both need to figure out a place to keep it that you can live with. I think you need to bend a little if he can find a totally safe way to store it.
I assume you have knives in your home? They are certainly items that can harm or kill someone too. I'm sure you have them stored away safely in a drawer or a knife block not just randomly laying around.
|
|
|
|
Post by dewryce on Nov 5, 2018 17:54:35 GMT
So much here to consider. First of all, where is he planning on storing it? If it is at home and he has agreed in the past that he wouldn't do that...to me it is a huge problem that he changed his mind and acted on it without discussing it with you. Especially over such a serious matter that brings you so much anxiety. You should be able to feel safe in your own home. My feelings would be extremely hurt if he disregarded my feelings in this matter and I'd be absolutely livid he did it without prior discussion.
The not caring that he upset you and didn't acknowledge your feelings is another huge issue for me and not at all acceptable. From what you say, it seems like you feel he has just brushed your opinions and feelings aside without any regard and that is not only unkind but I find it disrespectful.
Both of the above would warrant a very serious discussion for us, and if it turned into a fight so be it. Does he have something he feels very strongly about that you could use in the discussion to help him understand? For example, is he opposed to recreational drugs? If you both decided that wasn't something you wanted in your life, and you suddenly started imbing marijuana in any form (for comparison purposes assume it is legal) without discussing it with him, how would that make him feel? And then when he brought it up you brushed him off?
When it comes to health & safety we have had a rule that has served us well our entire marriage and really cut down on what could be a lot of arguments. The most conservative opinion stands. That means if I feel he needs to go to the doctor and he disagrees, too bad. Conversely, if he feels I have an unsafe driving habit, I change it. We might have a discussion about it to understand the others reasons and express our opinions, but conservative opinion wins every time. Neither of us take advantage of this rule and it really gives us peace of mind.
His most minor offense in my opinion, is the money. If you are financially comfortable, this purchase won't cause any problems, and you never agreed not to spend over a certain amount without talking to the other, I think I'd just be annoyed more than actually mad that he acted outside of your norms. Then I'd have a quick discussion to see if either of you feel any agreement is warranted for the future.
|
|
|
|
Post by catmom on Nov 5, 2018 17:56:31 GMT
I can't quite tell from your post if the issue is with your DH buying a gun (i.e. a large controversial purchase without consulting you), owning a gun (just on principle), killing living things with a gun, or having a gun in your home. Those are all slightly different conversations.
Is it possible based on previous conversations he understood your objection is to killing living things, and that buying a gun to shoot discs doesn't go against the 'spirit' of your objection?
If the issue is having a gun in the home, can he store it elsewhere? If he did would you be okay with it? I would say if you made it clear that you don't want a gun in your home then you don't have to be hurt, just tell him its not coming into your home and then he can choose to store it elsewhere or return it. Then it's his decision if he wants to make it a fight or not.
|
|
julieb
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,845
|
Post by julieb on Nov 5, 2018 17:56:38 GMT
My dh has never done that, but he is not a spender. I would be furious if I were you, especially since your dh knows where you stand and you have discussed this.
My friend's dh came back from FL and bought a condo without telling my friend. That was ridiculous. She enjoys it, but had no say whatsoever in the purchase.
|
|
|
|
Post by busy on Nov 5, 2018 17:56:51 GMT
I’m not a gun fan and also wouldn’t want them in my home. However, you didn’t say if he’s actually planning to store it at home. I know people who have guns they keep locked up at shooting ranges/clubs. If that’s his plan, or something similar, I would not be upset, as he’s abiding by your wishes.
If he knew is planning to keep it at your home despite knowing your feelings, and didn’t consult you, that’s a different story and i would definitely discuss it further.
I wouldn’t care about not discussing the purchase with me, from a a financial aide. He’s an adult.
|
|
|
|
Post by mom on Nov 5, 2018 18:01:39 GMT
I don’t monitor DH spending. I can’t think of any item he would buy that would be a deal breaker for me unless it was illegal or put us in financial jeopardy. I may not participate in the use, but I’m not in charge of his choices. I guess you need need to decide if this really is a deal breaker. It sounds like he’s not taking it back because you don’t aporove. I would not expect an apology for his having a different idea about gun ownership. I say this as a person who owns a gun. This is where I am. As long as he is trained on how to use, store and handle guns (he apparently is) and he has a secure safe with trigger locks, etc then I think I would have to respect his decision. I mean - I trust my husbands judgement so why wouldn't I trust him on this? Now, that doesn't mean I have to like it or that I will participate in shooting. If at any point he doesn't lock it up or uses it in an unsafe manner, or there becomes issues that cause him to be unfit for having a gun then I would be making him get rid of it. And that would be a line in the sand for me where I would walk away. But the idea that he can't do something just because I don't like it? Nah. He's a grownup and I trust him. |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 13:48:13 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2018 18:02:36 GMT
I can relate!! To begin with, I have a history of hatred towards any guns, since I was shot with one, lost my eye and had over 40 surgeries trying to put me back together......... PLUS, I've spent 44 years in daily chronic pain that left me bedridden too often..... I have PTSD from even hearing anything resembling a gunshot. DH knows this. We agreed on it. Yet we moved down here to FL and within a few years, he felt that he "had" to get his concealed weapon license and purchase a gun for his protection. We're right near/in a very bad area (Pasco County, FL--it's always on Live P.D.), and he said that he can't physically fight off anyone these days so he thought it was a good idea to get a gun. I was FURIOUS. I won't be anywhere near it. When he has to lock it up (before going into the V.A. and other places), I can't even watch him.
The cost factor wasn't bad. He bought it at the place he got his license and where he took a course to be updated in handling a gun. Still, it makes me very uneasy. I doubt highly that it's of ANY protection; it's more of a danger. I feel like I'm a magnet for shrapnel. Still, I wish I was consulted before he went forward with this decision. We disagreed about it from the day he got it and still do! As soon as we move out of FL, I expect him to get rid of it. I'm sorry you're facing this.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 13:48:13 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2018 18:05:44 GMT
like a car? like my DH did? a few years ago he just came home with a new car. it was a trendy little car back then and people were on waiting lists for it. somehow, he found one that was immediately available. i never liked the car much and was secretly happy there was a wait list hoping he might lose interest. nope, he found it and bought it without me there. even to this day, we consider it his one "gimme". I'd take this one vs. the gun!! Plus, he should have been able to sell it for profit if it was in such demand. |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 13:48:13 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2018 18:08:17 GMT
So much here to consider. First of all, where is he planning on storing it? If it is at home and he has agreed in the past that he wouldn't do that...to me it is a huge problem that he changed his mind and acted on it without discussing it with you. Especially over such a serious matter that brings you so much anxiety. You should be able to feel safe in your own home. My feelings would be extremely hurt if he disregarded my feelings in this matter and I'd be absolutely livid he did it without prior discussion. The not caring that he upset you and didn't acknowledge your feelings is another huge issue for me and not at all acceptable. From what you say, it seems like you feel he has just brushed your opinions and feelings aside without any regard and that is not only unkind but I find it disrespectful. Both of the above would warrant a very serious discussion for us, and if it turned into a fight so be it. Does he have something he feels very strongly about that you could use in the discussion to help him understand? For example, is he opposed to recreational drugs? If you both decided that wasn't something you wanted in your life, and you suddenly started imbing marijuana in any form (for comparison purposes assume it is legal) without discussing it with him, how would that make him feel? And then when he brought it up you brushed him off? When it comes to health & safety we have had a rule that has served us well our entire marriage and really cut down on what could be a lot of arguments. The most conservative opinion stands. That means if I feel he needs to go to the doctor and he disagrees, too bad. Conversely, if he feels I have an unsafe driving habit, I change it. We might have a discussion about it to understand the others reasons and express our opinions, but conservative opinion wins every time. Neither of us take advantage of this rule and it really gives us peace of mind. His most minor offense in my opinion, is the money. If you are financially comfortable, this purchase won't cause any problems, and you never agreed not to spend over a certain amount without talking to the other, I think I'd just be annoyed more than actually mad that he acted outside of your norms. Then I'd have a quick discussion to see if either of you feel any agreement is warranted for the future. This is very sage advice. I've been married a long time and never considered this aspect. I think me and dh will have a discussion tonight! |
|
|
|
Post by papersilly on Nov 5, 2018 18:18:40 GMT
like a car? like my DH did? a few years ago he just came home with a new car. it was a trendy little car back then and people were on waiting lists for it. somehow, he found one that was immediately available. i never liked the car much and was secretly happy there was a wait list hoping he might lose interest. nope, he found it and bought it without me there. even to this day, we consider it his one "gimme". I'd take this one vs. the gun!! Plus, he should have been able to sell it for profit if it was in such demand. i wish about the profit! i said it was trendy when it came out, i didn't say it was trendy by the time we traded it in six years later. LOL. by then it was just a regular car. and yes, better a car than a gun. any day. |
|
|
|
Post by jeremysgirl on Nov 5, 2018 18:19:47 GMT
I haven't read all the responses so forgive me if this has already been said but...
Have you heard the phrase, it's better to ask for forgiveness (after the fact of an intentional screw up) than ask for permission (for something you know is going to be met with resistance)? The fact that your DH did something behind your back knowing full well how you feel would piss me right the hell off. On the flip side, your attitude that he can't be a hobbyist with the hobby he wants because of your attitude about guns would piss me off if you were my spouse. My DH owns guns. I am uncomfortable with guns. There is never a gun out of the safe unless it is on his person. I do not know how to get into the safe, none of the children know how to get into the safe. My fear of guns does not get to dictate his choice in a hobby (shooting).
The expense would irritate me too. My DH and I live a very unwealthy life so a purchase like this needs to be discussed. But I can see how this might vary depending on your home's finances.
|
|
LeaP
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,939
Location: Los Angeles, CA where 405 meets 101
|
Post by LeaP on Nov 5, 2018 18:22:16 GMT
I validate you. A few years ago my husband bought a BB gun. When I saw that it kept denting the garage door all I could think of was one of the kids putting out an eye. I told him and he got rid of it and got an insane Airsoft rifle. I had him shoot me point blank to make sure it wouldn't hurt anybody. Good times.
Bringing home a real gun, a car or some big ticket item would make me unhinged.
Does your husband hunt?
ETA: If he wants it for hunting then I can see the functionality of the purchase.
|
|
|
|
Post by crimsoncat05 on Nov 5, 2018 18:32:47 GMT
The fact that your DH did something behind your back knowing full well how you feel would piss me right the hell off. On the flip side, your attitude that he can't be a hobbyist with the hobby he wants because of your attitude about guns would piss me off if you were my spouse. My DH owns guns. I am uncomfortable with guns. There is never a gun out of the safe unless it is on his person. I do not know how to get into the safe, none of the children know how to get into the safe. My fear of guns does not get to dictate his choice in a hobby (shooting). ^^ this is the thing that strikes me... why does one person have to 'win out' over the other person, without any discussion or compromise whatsoever? and I say this totally admitting that I am a person who feels like they have to 'win' in discussions... but I know it can't always be about me. Compromise means that both people have to find something they can both 'live with' even if it isn't exactly what either of them would have wanted. Is this something that could ruin your relationship if it's not resolved in some way between the two of you? What do you expect will (or want to) happen now in regards to your discussion about this issue? |
|
Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
Posts: 4,664
|
Post by Rhondito on Nov 5, 2018 18:35:57 GMT
Why do you get all of his texts on your computer?
|
|
|
|
Post by Susie_Homemaker on Nov 5, 2018 18:36:35 GMT
On the flip side, your attitude that he can't be a hobbyist with the hobby he wants because of your attitude about guns would piss me off if you were my spouse. That's a very good way to look at it. The feelings of fear and anxiety are coming before the spouse's desire for a hobby/activity. I could see if he wanted to juggle lit dynamite which could never be made safe but if gun safety and responsible ownership are a part of his training then it is a safe activity. |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 13:48:13 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2018 18:38:36 GMT
I probably shouldn't reply because I know how deeply divided the peas are about this subject. I'm from a southern, rural, very conservative family. Everyone in my family and dh family hunt going back at least 4 generations. I don't even know how many guns are in my house. They are all locked up. None of them are loaded and the ammunition is in a separate place.
My dh is an adult as am I. I can not think of anything that I would forbid him to bring in our house. Maybe porn.
|
|
peabrain
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,588
|
Post by peabrain on Nov 5, 2018 18:40:17 GMT
Wait, what is the cell service or computer program where the texts show up on the computer?
Yeah, I don't want that.
I'll save my 2 cents about guns for my own brain. But I hope you two work it out. Hugs.
|
|
|
|
Post by mustlovecats on Nov 5, 2018 18:40:18 GMT
We don’t discuss car purchases, clothes, electronics, or other major purchases too much. He just said last week it’s time to replace his Mac mini and I said cool did the new ones come out yet? He said he wanted to replace his old small car with something newer and bigger and I said what kind do you want?
The difference is no one in our house has strong ethical and philosophical feelings about Mac and Honda. I do have strong feelings about firearms. We don’t live in a place where they are used to protect livestock, we don’t need them for protection (the statistics don’t bear out the effectiveness of personal firearms for protection anyway), and we do have a child in our family with anxiety so I don’t know that it’s the healthiest thing for us to have.
So that is a hard no from me and would be a deal breaker. That it was done secretly and without any information exchanged is even worse to me. I don’t believe in secrets.
|
|
|
|
Post by heckofagal on Nov 5, 2018 18:42:44 GMT
We had this same fight in my house and I justify your outrage. This was several years ago, and I thought it might have been the last straw in our marriage.
My DH installed a gun safe in his closet which I think can only be opened with his fingerprint. And I don't think he has even taken it out in the past year. He works for the govt with other law enforcement types and its just something they all do. He's also afraid of peace keeping should a big disaster ever hit our area and if he can sleep better knowing that is in the closet, I am fine with it. I didn't want my kids to ever have access to it, and that seems to have been addressed and they are now young adults.
|
|
|
|
Post by mom on Nov 5, 2018 18:54:27 GMT
Wait, what is the cell service or computer program where the texts show up on the computer?
Yeah, I don't want that. I'll save my 2 cents about guns for my own brain. But I hope you two work it out. Hugs. Can't speak to what service the OP is using, but I know when I first got my Mac I had done something to where all my messages came to my Mac AND my iPhone. I had accidentally set up iMessages to show up in both places. It was an easy fix. |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 19, 2024 13:48:13 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2018 18:54:49 GMT
I validate you. A few years ago my husband bought a BB gun. When I saw that it kept denting the garage door all I could think of was one of the kids putting out an eye. I told him and he got rid of it and got an insane Airsoft rifle. I had him shoot me point blank to make sure it wouldn't hurt anybody. Good times. Bringing home a real gun, a car or some big ticket item would make me unhinged. Does your husband hunt? ETA: If he wants it for hunting then I can see the functionality of the purchase. I despise that term ('putting out an eye'), but it DOES happen, quite often. That's what happened to me, at close range. The bb/bullet was lodged deeply in my socket for 44 years and couldn't be retrieved. It wasn't a simple 1-surgery process (as it is with some people who lose their eye). It's been 44+ years of INTENSE pain and over 40 surgeries to "rebuild" me, so your worries are REAL. Don't dismiss them. I know some people (quite a few) who are suicidal due to the pain of the bb in their sockets. It also can kill people, so please keep that in mind. It's NOT a toy and it's not to be taken lightly, at ALL.  |
|
