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Post by auntkelly on Nov 5, 2018 22:16:09 GMT
My guess is that your husband probably assumed that you had mellowed a little bit on your anti-gun stance when you didn't object to him taking the NRA gun safety course and you let your son participate in Boy Scout target practice. I'm not saying it was right of him to make that assumption, but I know that's how my husband's brain works sometimes.
If I were you, I'd try and get past my hurt feelings and think logically. (I know that is always easier said than done). You said you are against hunting, but do you have any objection to shooting clay pigeons for sport? If not, then it just seems like you and your husband have to agree on the gun storage issue.
I think your husband should take into account your feelings about having a gun in the house. If you are adamant about not having a gun in the house even if it is locked away in a gun safe, then he needs to find a safe place to store it.
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uksue
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Post by uksue on Nov 5, 2018 22:21:55 GMT
The fact that your DH did something behind your back knowing full well how you feel would piss me right the hell off. On the flip side, your attitude that he can't be a hobbyist with the hobby he wants because of your attitude about guns would piss me off if you were my spouse. My DH owns guns. I am uncomfortable with guns. There is never a gun out of the safe unless it is on his person. I do not know how to get into the safe, none of the children know how to get into the safe. My fear of guns does not get to dictate his choice in a hobby (shooting). ^^ this is the thing that strikes me... why does one person have to 'win out' over the other person, without any discussion or compromise whatsoever? and I say this totally admitting that I am a person who feels like they have to 'win' in discussions... but I know it can't always be about me. Compromise means that both people have to find something they can both 'live with' even if it isn't exactly what either of them would have wanted. Is this something that could ruin your relationship if it's not resolved in some way between the two of you? What do you expect will (or want to) happen now in regards to your discussion about this issue? I aflgree up to a point : they had a prior discussion and he knew her feelings . By the looks of it,he never expressed a great desire at that time to own a gun and knew and understood her reservations . This isn't about the gun-although personally I wouldn't allow one in my home . It's about the deceit and the lack of consideration of her feelings, the lack of respect and failure to open up a grown up conversation that he had changed his mind and wanted a gun . In a partnership surely a discussion would take place ?
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Nov 5, 2018 22:26:21 GMT
but we don't KNOW whether the issue is buying something behind her back, or buying a gun. She didn't say that buying a gun- period- was her issue, she said it was guns in their home. We don't know whether her DH WILL bring the gun into their home. From what she wrote in the OP, SHE doesn't know that yet, either.
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Gennifer
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Post by Gennifer on Nov 5, 2018 22:33:57 GMT
I hate guns.
I grew up with them, and my husband has had them off/on throughout our marriage. He doesn’t hunt, just target shooting. But I hate them.
Two years ago, we moved to a new home in the mountains. I regularly have all sorts of wildlife wandering though my yard, including cougars and bears. Since we moved, my husband has talked more and more about how we need a gun for protection against wildlife, just in case, but we hadn’t gotten around to it.
Less than a year ago, my oldest daughter went through a period of suicide ideation, and I was SO DAMN GLAD we didn’t have any guns in our house.
He recently bought two. And I’m not happy about the first, let alone the second. My requirement was that he get a safe, and they are always stored there. He’s the only one with the combination.
I’m still not happy. I feel your pain.
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Post by dewryce on Nov 5, 2018 22:35:50 GMT
but we don't KNOW whether the issue is buying something behind her back, or buying a gun. She didn't say that buying a gun- period- was her issue, she said it was guns in their home. We don't know whether her DH WILL bring the gun into their home. From what she wrote in the OP, SHE doesn't know that yet, either. From the way she stated a few times about him knowing and agreeing not to have one at home, I did get the impression that he was intending on storing it at home; but you're right, it's not explicitly stated.
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julie5
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Post by julie5 on Nov 5, 2018 22:37:22 GMT
I’ll chime in. I’m one who has no issues with guns. My husband owns many, he no longer uses them. They’re for collecting only. He used to hunt but now he’s fundamentally against killing things. So ours stay locked up.
But I have been in a marriage with someone who bought crap without talking to me and loved getting our checking account in the negative. That marriage is over. My current husband and I have a mutual respect over money. I’m interested in hearing more to this story. 23 years of marriage, something here isn’t adding up.
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Post by quinlove on Nov 5, 2018 22:41:14 GMT
I get all his texts on my computer, so it popped up there. Can we discuss this? Let’s start here.
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julie5
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Post by julie5 on Nov 5, 2018 22:46:47 GMT
My husband and I have a few things in our marriage of 23 years that we feeling absolute about and pretty much nothing is going to change our mind. Mine is no fire arms of any kind in our home. I don't feel we need one for protection (because honestly, if they are stored properly in a locked safe and ammunition is stored somewhere else, they are useless in a home invasion) and I am absolutely against them for hunting animals of any kind. I feel incredible anxiety around guns and didn't want to bring an object into our home that could be used to harm or kill another living being. Hubby has always respected this and never tried to convince me otherwise. In the meantime, he did get firing range safety supervised by the NRA to help my son when he would go on target shooting trips with the Boys Scouts. They both definitely have been trained for safely handling a gun. I was fine with them shooting targets as long as no guns come into our home. Well, I found out this weekend that DH has purchased a high power rifle. I get all his texts on my computer, so it popped up there. I was not snooping on his phone. The text was letting him know the rifle was ready for pickup. My heart just sunk. I couldn't believe that he did this without even telling me he was considering this! I did ask him about it. He didn't deny it and said that he is going to use it for shooting clay targets. Never has he ever expressed an interest in this. He did get a bit defensive when I questioned him. Made it seem like I was overreacting (I never raised my voice) and what's the big deal. Not only that, the gun cost hundreds of dollars. We can afford that, but we usually give each other a heads up before making a large purchase. Never apologized or acknowledged my feelings. I am feeling pretty hurt that he just went ahead and did this and is acting like it is no big deal. How would you react? Should I just get over it? I told him I was hurt that my feelings weren't considered and he really didn't seem to care. He certainly didn't apologize. I have never before been aware of him doing something behind my back that he knows I wouldn't like. It makes me question if he really cares about my feelings. What do the peas think? Should I bring it up again? I don't want this to be a major fight, but I am feeling so low that he did this without regarding me. It is very much unlike him to do this. Also, what’s his deal breakers? Yours is guns. What’s his? How would he feel if you bought/did that. I’m thinking your”absolutes” are no longer true and that’s what needs discussing.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Nov 5, 2018 22:54:00 GMT
I am not into guns. However, my advice is don’t sweat the small stuff. If this is his biggest negative thing he has done, live with it and count your blessings. He sounds very sensible and sometimes we all need to do something a bit naughty. If your kids are out of the house, storage of the gun should be easy. Clearly, there are different levels of "not into guns." Just because it is small stuff to you doesn't mean that it has to be for the OP, or that she is overreacting just because you may not think it is a big deal and just a little "naughty" (what does that even really mean??). I am mentally ill. My kids suffer from mental illness as well. On gun threads I am the very first person to say I believe there should be a mental health ban list that psychiatrists should be able to register a name. I even go so far as to say I think my own name should be on it. My kids names as well. And there are guns in my house. They are stored in a safe I do not have access to any are unloaded. None of us, my kids included know how to use a gun. Except my DH. In my mind, I am not at risk for a firearm related accident or shooting. It makes no difference if DH has his guns at home or at the range or at a friend's house. That's exactly how protected I feel from the weapons. My DH is a hobby shooter. And there are safe storage practices that prevent an accident or homicide/suicide from happening in my house. I feel 100% secure. JMHO.
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Post by dewryce on Nov 5, 2018 23:25:09 GMT
Clearly, there are different levels of "not into guns." Just because it is small stuff to you doesn't mean that it has to be for the OP, or that she is overreacting just because you may not think it is a big deal and just a little "naughty" (what does that even really mean??). I am mentally ill. My kids suffer from mental illness as well. On gun threads I am the very first person to say I believe there should be a mental health ban list that psychiatrists should be able to register a name. I even go so far as to say I think my own name should be on it. My kids names as well. And there are guns in my house. They are stored in a safe I do not have access to any are unloaded. None of us, my kids included know how to use a gun. Except my DH. In my mind, I am not at risk for a firearm related accident or shooting. It makes no difference if DH has his guns at home or at the range or at a friend's house. That's exactly how protected I feel from the weapons. My DH is a hobby shooter. And there are safe storage practices that prevent an accident or homicide/suicide from happening in my house. I feel 100% secure. JMHO. I also have bipolar disorder. I have never planned a suicide attempt, though I have thought it would be best for my loved ones if they didn't have to deal with my issues anymore. And I've have at a couple points understood the desire. I am in complete agreement about the registry, though I know it's not a popular opinion. I have to disagree about you and everyone in the household not being at risk for a firearm related accident or shooting. It's not a huge risk, no. But if he takes it out during a home invasion, there is a risk. More so since none of the rest of you know how to use them. He could be incapacitated and the weapon would still be in play. And accidents happen. You never know if some day something crazy is going to happen while he is cleaning it or putting the gun in & locking the safe and he doesn't finish. Please know I am not judging you or your family for your decision at all. I just absolutely would not feel 100% secure if I was in similar circumstances. For my DH, he has stated that's not a risk he is willing to take in our own home. He's not a hunter but had fun at a shooting range with family once and briefly thought about taking up the hobby. We house sit for my cousin sometimes and he is uncomfortable knowing they have guns. He asks me how I'm doing and if I am absolutely certain I am okay staying there. But it still makes him nervous.
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Post by ntsf on Nov 5, 2018 23:34:13 GMT
I would be standing on the rock of no guns in the house ever, unless we moved to rural alaska or montana with grizzlies...
but that is me.. doing this without checking is a big red flag to me.. my dh has taken up sports without asking.. cause he knows I would be ok with him flying off a cliff (paragliding)...
all my kids have been trained on firearms at boy scout camp.
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Deleted
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May 19, 2024 14:05:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2018 23:35:49 GMT
Buy some chickens !
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Post by shanniebananie on Nov 5, 2018 23:36:07 GMT
I added more information in my original post.
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 5, 2018 23:48:15 GMT
I would be pissed if DH did that-and we own multiple guns. Dh and yds are actually gone right now hunting.
But I don't rally like guns. I had a friend shoot and kill another friend in high school and remember vividly the wall.
It took a lot for me to compromise, but I did. My compromise is that they are locked and unloaded in our house with the ammo locked elsewhere
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julie5
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Post by julie5 on Nov 5, 2018 23:52:01 GMT
Thank you for adding more info. It really makes see how hurt and confused you must. It sounds like for right the line of communication is down and that would be very concerning. Clearly he knew you would know about the gun purchase. Maybe he just didn’t realize how passionate you were about it? Mine knows I have my absolutes but I don’t think he knows how far I would go if he pushed it. Mostly regarding hate speech and civil rights. I let him have his dumb opinions. I make my voice heard in other ways like voting for change. But if he expressed those things in front of my kids, I’d probably go 10 kinds of crazy. He thinks certain things are funny that really aren’t.
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Post by ladytrisha on Nov 5, 2018 23:57:42 GMT
I'm angry and also sad for you because he didn't just push a boundary, he bashed thru it and others to do this.
He's known your position on guns (mine is the same) - even when my son was in scouts and went to the gun range, it was still a no deal thing. It's not just something small - like a new rug - this is big. And he pooped on your opinion - on purpose.
Then he hid the purchase and broke your agreed upon "consent" ceiling price - I guess because oh well, who cares at this point. And he also knew you'd see the texts. It's a total passive-aggressive, so what, neener-neener what are you doing to do about it move.
Oh there'd be changes - starting with a foster family of puppies and kitties and even a pony or pig! No matter what though, the gun wouldn't be living at my house.
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Post by quinlove on Nov 5, 2018 23:59:48 GMT
Thank you for answering some of our questions. From my standpoint, the biggest issue here is the total disregard for your feelings. Are you good with that ? Gun or no gun, the real problem for me would be the disrespect.
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Deleted
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May 19, 2024 14:05:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2018 23:59:54 GMT
My analysis is: He is having a mid-life crisis and chasing something "forbidden" and exciting. He chose shooting clay skeets. He could have chosen to chase another woman. Find a middle ground for safe gun storage you can live with (not necessarily happily.. but endure) Some skeet ranges have lockers that can be rented so the guns aren't being toted back/forth. Or a gun safe.. Give his rifle a flowery feminine name and thank the good Lord/stars or whatever that he chose it for his midlife crisis instead of a woman.
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kate
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Post by kate on Nov 6, 2018 0:18:33 GMT
I was fine with them shooting targets as long as no guns come into our home. So you're not keeping him from his hobby - he should be happy about that, rather than dissing you by being sneaky. If he's planning to keep the gun at the range or otherwise out of the house, he should have said that right away. IMHO the whole discussion here of whether guns are safe or not is irrelevant. I have only a couple of hard-line issues in my own marriage, and to most people, one of my biggies would seem laughable (it comes from a lifelong phobia which I manage very well in most situations). It doesn't matter whether anyone else thinks it's "valid" - it's important TO ME, and DH has agreed to respect that. I would go out of my mind if DH went behind my back on it. If he had some sort of life change and wanted to renegotiate it, I would come to the table to talk about it, but that's not what happened with OP.
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julie5
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Post by julie5 on Nov 6, 2018 0:21:03 GMT
I was fine with them shooting targets as long as no guns come into our home. So you're not keeping him from his hobby - he should be happy about that, rather than dissing you by being sneaky. If he's planning to keep the gun at the range or otherwise out of the house, he should have said that right away. IMHO the whole discussion here of whether guns are safe or not is irrelevant. I have only a couple of hard-line issues in my own marriage, and to most people, one of my biggies would seem laughable (it comes from a lifelong phobia which I manage very well in most situations). It doesn't matter whether anyone else thinks it's "valid" - it's important TO ME, and DH has agreed to respect that. I would go out of my mind if DH went behind my back on it. If he had some sort of life change and wanted to renegotiate it, I would come to the table to talk about it, but that's not what happened with OP. I just had to say I agree 100% with this.
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Post by dewryce on Nov 6, 2018 0:34:23 GMT
My analysis is: He is having a mid-life crisis and chasing something "forbidden" and exciting. He chose shooting clay skeets. He could have chosen to chase another woman. Find a middle ground for safe gun storage you can live with (not necessarily happily.. but endure) Some skeet ranges have lockers that can be rented so the guns aren't being toted back/forth. Or a gun safe.. Give his rifle a flowery feminine name and thank the good Lord/stars or whatever that he chose it for his midlife crisis instead of a woman. Nothing against you Volt, but to me this reads as: be happy he did something horrible (go behind her back, disrespect and disregard her feelings) and not something more horrible (like cheat on her). It seems you're suggesting she be happy and thank her lucky starts that he only was purposefully sneaky, disrespectful and uncaring. To me, I'm not okay with any horrible and won't be happy about it just because it could have been worse. Well, he cheated on you but at least he was discrete and didn't get her pregnant. Where does it stop?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2018 0:40:41 GMT
I despise that term ('putting out an eye'), but it DOES happen, quite often. That's what happened to me, at close range. The bb/bullet was lodged deeply in my socket for 44 years and couldn't be retrieved. It wasn't a simple 1-surgery process (as it is with some people who lose their eye). It's been 44+ years of INTENSE pain and over 40 surgeries to "rebuild" me, so your worries are REAL. Don't dismiss them. I know some people (quite a few) who are suicidal due to the pain of the bb in their sockets. It also can kill people, so please keep that in mind. It's NOT a toy and it's not to be taken lightly, at ALL. I'm sorry that happened to you. In all the massacres I always think of the survivors who will face a lifetime of pain and side effects. Guns are designed to kill and even toy versions should not be taken lightly. My brother had a BB gun and I had a BB stuck in my thigh. My household is very careless (we can't even be bothered to consistently close our kitchen cabinets) we have to limit stuff that will injure. Both kids are OK with the kitchen knives. I hear about so many accidents with them. I hope they were able to take it out of your thigh. I don't even know if the metal changed on it since 44 years ago, but I couldn't get an MRI and had to always explain what was in my head with xrays, etc...... As far as being careless (or wild), I totally get it. I drove my mom crazy with all of my injuries. I was a wild, fearless tomboy who had many injuries. I've got a lot of scars! I even caught a huge knife that I lost my grip on and it went flying up in the air.... I was standing next to my sister and my instinct was to catch it so she didn't get hit (she was busy talking and didn't notice it!). I caught it alright--right thru my index finger to the bone. At least I didn't lose the finger, but my then-white kitchen had blood spurting ALL over it! Scared my kids! LOL.
It's just a good idea to take bb guns seriously. I wish there would be a much more stern warning on them because they're not toys and people DO get very hurt from them.
Glad your kids are okay with kitchen knives! Hope things settle down more when they get older! NO ACCIDENTS!!!
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Post by gritzi on Nov 6, 2018 1:20:46 GMT
The purchase should have been discussed with you, but I suspect there would have been no acceptance of him purchasing the gun. He and your son share a hobby of target shooting. I think it's very normal to own a gun for that purpose.
I don't think deciding to having children and purchasing a gun as an equal comparison. The gun can be disposed of tomorrow, while a child is a responsibility for life.
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Post by 950nancy on Nov 6, 2018 1:30:35 GMT
If he won't keep it out of the house, he would be getting a gun safe for Christmas. No way would I want guns around kids that aren't locked up. Now I grew up with quite a few rifles in my house in an unlocked gun display case, but it was also the 70's and things were different.
I don't love guns, but all of the guys in my house had a mixture of handguns, AR-15, and shotguns. Once they were old enough to buy them, they took a gun safety class and went shopping.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Nov 6, 2018 2:41:48 GMT
Clearly, there are different levels of "not into guns." Just because it is small stuff to you doesn't mean that it has to be for the OP, or that she is overreacting just because you may not think it is a big deal and just a little "naughty" (what does that even really mean??). I am mentally ill. My kids suffer from mental illness as well. On gun threads I am the very first person to say I believe there should be a mental health ban list that psychiatrists should be able to register a name. I even go so far as to say I think my own name should be on it. My kids names as well. And there are guns in my house. They are stored in a safe I do not have access to any are unloaded. None of us, my kids included know how to use a gun. Except my DH. In my mind, I am not at risk for a firearm related accident or shooting. It makes no difference if DH has his guns at home or at the range or at a friend's house. That's exactly how protected I feel from the weapons. My DH is a hobby shooter. And there are safe storage practices that prevent an accident or homicide/suicide from happening in my house. I feel 100% secure. JMHO. Again...there are different levels of comfort. I personally would not be comfortable having guns in my home, no matter how locked up they are. Just because you and others feel ok with that does not mean that everyone should as well. I say that as someone whose father (I did not live with him full time) was a hunter and did not have his guns safely secured. I didn't think much of it and didn't know better at the time. I was never a hunter, neither were my brothers (full siblings). My half brother, on the other hand, was/is a hunter. He was allowed to handle the guns, even after my dad died. When he was 18 he shot himself. He says it was an accident but the timing was suspicious given the things going on in his life at the time. Luckily, he shot himself in the foot and only lost a few toes. At the very least, he was not as well trained and careful with the gun as he was supposed to be. At the worst, he was attempting to kill himself with the gun in a moment of desperation. My thought it that accidents happen. People can think they know how to handle guns but then make a mistake. People can snap and do something in the heat of the moment, no matter how rational they seem most other times. People can be careless and leave guns unattended or let those who should not have guns know how to access them. THAT is why I am not comfortable with guns--in public, but ESPECIALLY in my home, where I should feel safe. The OP has that right as well. Also, the main point of the OP is that SHE is not ok with this. She and her husband have had this discussion in the past and he went against what they had agreed on. That is the problem--not whether or not some people would think it is ok or not to have guns in the home. The disrespect, going against what they had talked about, and doing this behind her back are what the deeper issues are. The fact that she does have strong feelings about the gun does play a big part in how she is going to handle the situation, though.
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Post by mikklynn on Nov 6, 2018 3:04:07 GMT
What bothers me, is your DH seems to make decisions in his favor, without regard to your feelings. Does he ever compromise or is it always his way?
He bought a firearm, knowing you absolutely do not want one in your home, with no discussion.
He has determined you shall have no more animals in your house, regardless of your feelings about this.
I think you and your DH need to see a marriage counselor to figure out how to be on more even terms in your marriage.
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Post by pierkiss on Nov 6, 2018 3:17:07 GMT
I would be livid. Pea livid. I am very much anti guns in our home, and am pretty anti hunting as well (I just don’t see the point). I would be furious if a gun was suddenly bought and appeared in our home without any type of discussion. We have 4 young kids in our home. They are into everything. I would be terrified one of the younger ones would find it and try and play with it. Nope. We would be having a massive fight about this.
I assume your husband is aware of your feelings on guns, right? I’m shocked that he would just go behind your back and buy one without any type of discussion about it. And I’m pretty sure that I’m petty enough that a cat would be making its home in our house after this. 😉
Good luck, I hope you’re able to get this situation sorted out ASAP.
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FurryP
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Post by FurryP on Nov 6, 2018 4:17:24 GMT
@shananiebananie, I completely understand not wanting guns in the house. I don't/did not want guns in the house either. I am afraid of them. I am afraid of an accidental shooting.
However, when you are the victim of criminal activity, you realize that having some form of protection is not necessarily a bad thing.
Long story short, our crazy neighbor broke our front window on then pounded on our front door with kettlebells. Hard! And he wouldn't stop. Of course we did not know it was him, and it was terrifying knowing that someone was very determined to get in the house. Waiting for the police to arrive seemed like an eternity, even though it was probably more like 5-6 minutes. It was HORRIBLE to know we were defenseless. And you know what is really crazy? My first thought was to put the dogs in the room so they wouldn't get hurt. Can you believe that?
The relief in finding out it was our now ex-neighbor was that his illness made him physically unstable, so we were sure we could have taken him out had it come to that.
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Post by Florida Cindy on Nov 6, 2018 12:31:32 GMT
What's done is done. What are your fears about gun ownership? Addressing your fears with DH will let him know why you dont want guns in the house. Give him a chance to talk to you about it. Listen. Dont interrupt. Write down notes, so you dont interrupt him, if you want to address something he said. When you come to a conscenous, repeat it. It seems unfair for you to follow the conversation rules. It will make conversation easier.
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desertgirl
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Post by desertgirl on Nov 6, 2018 12:50:31 GMT
I, too, think your two posts are complicated and not easily worked out (like mikklynn ). You need objective insight from a counselor. Both of you are highly charged right now and you need wise counsel, not opinions, to learn to talk to one another maturely and without a lot of interference from others, or this kind of thing will continue. This is not about guns or gun safety or shooting ranges or target practice or anti-hunting or anything other than this: It's your marriage and it needs working on because he crossed a boundary that you thought was absolute and unmoving. The disrespect on his part is intolerable.
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