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Post by dewryce on Nov 5, 2018 18:55:22 GMT
On the flip side, your attitude that he can't be a hobbyist with the hobby he wants because of your attitude about guns would piss me off if you were my spouse. That's a very good way to look at it. The feelings of fear and anxiety are coming before the spouse's desire for a hobby/activity. I could see if he wanted to juggle lit dynamite which could never be made safe but if gun safety and responsible ownership are a part of his training then it is a safe activity. I partially agree with this. So, to me, the compromise would be owning it (for him) and storing it safely away from the home (for her). I don't think the fear/anxiety should be dismissed though. To me, depending on the severity, that holds a higher priority than the desire for a hobby, any hobby. If she doesn't feel safe in her home, that takes precedence. He wants them for a hobby not protection so, to me, I think they should be stored off-site even if it is inconvenient for him. For her peace of mind. I know I'd do anything possible for my DH's peace of mind. To me, it seems a matter of mutual respect. She respects that his hobbies are his decision, even if she doesn't like them, and he respects her fear and anxiety about the weapons and doesn't bring them into their home. I wouldn't go so far as to call it a safe activity. Just like I wouldn't call bungee jumping a safe activity. There are things you can do to make them as safe as possible, but accidents happen. As far as hobbies go I wouldn't rank either of them high on the safety scale. This I something I would have a very hard time with. I feel strongly about guns in the home and hunting so my relationship with DH wouldn't have gotten this far if that was one of his hobbies when we got together. It would be very hard to handle if that changed for him after we were married and I'd have to think long and hard about how that would impact us.
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Post by Merge on Nov 5, 2018 19:05:18 GMT
I went through this same thing with my DH at the beginning of the Obama administration, but it was a handgun instead of a rifle. I was mad. I had to get over it, just like he has to get over the fact that I support and vote for levels of gun control and oil company regulation that he feels are oppressive.
Aside: Is owning and shooting a weapon of war considered a legitimate hobby in any other developed country?
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Post by sawwhet on Nov 5, 2018 19:38:04 GMT
I went through this same thing with my DH at the beginning of the Obama administration, but it was a handgun instead of a rifle. I was mad. I had to get over it, just like he has to get over the fact that I support and vote for levels of gun control and oil company regulation that he feels are oppressive. Aside: Is owning and shooting a weapon of war considered a legitimate hobby in any other developed country? I'm in Canada and my husband is a sport shooter. Target and clay. Aside from transporting from our basement to the "club", I never, ever see a gun and he has several. There are a lot of regulations in Canada regarding guns. My dh has a gun cabinet (required here), trigger locks and takes apart some of the pieces (not too sure what he does). Ammunition is stored separately. The gun safe is hidden behind tall tool cabinets and you really can't see it if you went into the workshop. He has a license, has taken several courses and is extremely responsible. I don't even think the neighbours know he has guns, we just don't mention it. I don't want to be the target of a robbery.
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quiltz
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Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Nov 5, 2018 19:42:38 GMT
Aside: Is owning and shooting a weapon of war considered a legitimate hobby in any other developed country? There are Olympic sports that include shooting.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Nov 5, 2018 19:43:08 GMT
I wasn't going to comment on this, but I have to: there are plenty of other 'weapons of war' that can be hobbies. Archery, collecting swords, collecting knives, knife throwing and weapons forging; all sorts of things used to be "weapons of war" as you call it. Biathlon is a sport that involves guns and targets, and IIRC from the last Olympics, European athletes take part in it. Just because guns are sometimes used in a war does not mean that's their only use.
eta: slingshots are weapons in some places, and they're toys. Javelins, etc. are technically weapons, too, aren't they?
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Nov 5, 2018 19:50:48 GMT
Aside: Is owning and shooting a weapon of war considered a legitimate hobby in any other developed country? The OP describes it only as a high powered rifle... which really tells us nothing about what kind of gun it is. It's like saying a "four wheeled vehicle." No idea whether it's a car, truck, race car, or golf cart. Similarly your use of the term "weapon of war" polarizes the discussion. Could most "guns" be used in a war? Perhaps. But so can knives, bottles, and rocks. Owning and shooting a gun is a legitimate hobby in any number of other countries than the US. Did you know Switzerland has one of the higher rates of gun ownership?
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Post by annabella on Nov 5, 2018 19:51:50 GMT
I get all his texts on my computer, so it popped up there. Can we discuss this?
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likescarrots
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Aug 16, 2014 17:52:53 GMT
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Post by likescarrots on Nov 5, 2018 19:53:05 GMT
Honestly, I would pack up and move to a hotel until he found a place to keep the gun that was not on my property.
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Post by chlerbie on Nov 5, 2018 20:01:28 GMT
Although I'm against owning a gun, that's just part of the issue. You had talked to him about this beforehand and he knew of your wishes and feelings. He didn't even give you a chance to compromise and went ahead and did what he wanted, without even talking to you about it. I'd have a real problem with that.
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peabrain
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Jun 25, 2014 22:18:04 GMT
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Post by peabrain on Nov 5, 2018 20:04:39 GMT
Wait, what is the cell service or computer program where the texts show up on the computer?
Yeah, I don't want that. I'll save my 2 cents about guns for my own brain. But I hope you two work it out. Hugs. Can't speak to what service the OP is using, but I know when I first got my Mac I had done something to where all my messages came to my Mac AND my iPhone. I had accidentally set up iMessages to show up in both places. It was an easy fix. OH YEAH! My dd does that on her mac. Thanks.
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Post by flanz on Nov 5, 2018 20:15:51 GMT
So much here to consider. First of all, where is he planning on storing it? If it is at home and he has agreed in the past that he wouldn't do that...to me it is a huge problem that he changed his mind and acted on it without discussing it with you. Especially over such a serious matter that brings you so much anxiety. You should be able to feel safe in your own home. My feelings would be extremely hurt if he disregarded my feelings in this matter and I'd be absolutely livid he did it without prior discussion. The not caring that he upset you and didn't acknowledge your feelings is another huge issue for me and not at all acceptable. From what you say, it seems like you feel he has just brushed your opinions and feelings aside without any regard and that is not only unkind but I find it disrespectful. Both of the above would warrant a very serious discussion for us, and if it turned into a fight so be it. Does he have something he feels very strongly about that you could use in the discussion to help him understand? For example, is he opposed to recreational drugs? If you both decided that wasn't something you wanted in your life, and you suddenly started imbing marijuana in any form (for comparison purposes assume it is legal) without discussing it with him, how would that make him feel? And then when he brought it up you brushed him off? When it comes to health & safety we have had a rule that has served us well our entire marriage and really cut down on what could be a lot of arguments. The most conservative opinion stands. That means if I feel he needs to go to the doctor and he disagrees, too bad. Conversely, if he feels I have an unsafe driving habit, I change it. We might have a discussion about it to understand the others reasons and express our opinions, but conservative opinion wins every time. Neither of us take advantage of this rule and it really gives us peace of mind. His most minor offense in my opinion, is the money. If you are financially comfortable, this purchase won't cause any problems, and you never agreed not to spend over a certain amount without talking to the other, I think I'd just be annoyed more than actually mad that he acted outside of your norms. Then I'd have a quick discussion to see if either of you feel any agreement is warranted for the future. All of this!!!!
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sharlag
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Post by sharlag on Nov 5, 2018 20:20:05 GMT
The most conservative opinion stands. Interesting philosophy! I think he just got into the hobby with your son, and his enthusiasm lead him to make the purchase. And he did it without talking to you to avoid conflict. Or maybe he didn't "GET" or remember just how passionate your anti-gun feelings are. Where will the gun live?
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Post by shevy on Nov 5, 2018 20:29:39 GMT
On the flip side, your attitude that he can't be a hobbyist with the hobby he wants because of your attitude about guns would piss me off if you were my spouse. My DH owns guns. I am uncomfortable with guns. There is never a gun out of the safe unless it is on his person. I do not know how to get into the safe, none of the children know how to get into the safe. My fear of guns does not get to dictate his choice in a hobby (shooting). For me, this is the issue. When I first met my DH, he did a lot of shooting at ranges. I wasn't happy about guns, but it was his hobby. In the same fashion, DH hated that I scrapbooked/made cards. I had a room full of things and way always buying more. I could go in for one thing and spend a whole day in there while he waited for me to be 'done' so we could do something together. We both had to let the other do our own thing. In time, I made a huge effort to not be in there for long periods. And I also decided that if guns (both long guns and handguns) were going to be in my house, I had better know everything I could about them. I went shooting, learned how to take each one apart, clean and put back together, what ammo goes with which gun...and I ended up getting a CCW for my state. I don't carry, but I have the knowledge about them, a pattern of safe handling and I can shoot, if need be.
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tracylynn
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Jun 26, 2014 22:49:09 GMT
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Post by tracylynn on Nov 5, 2018 20:39:16 GMT
I think this is where compromise needs to come in. He wants/bought a gun and now you both need to figure out a place to keep it that you can live with. I think you need to bend a little if he can find a totally safe way to store it. I assume you have knives in your home? They are certainly items that can harm or kill someone too. I'm sure you have them stored away safely in a drawer or a knife block not just randomly laying around. Yeah, I don't agree with this. He went behind her back, against her known feelings. This would be my line in the sand. He's return the gun, or figure out another location to keep it. And then we'd have a talk about spending hundreds of dollars we couldn't afford on a gun he knew I wouldn't want. IMO, there's no pass on this. It's not like he went and spent hundreds of dollars on tools or something like that. He bought a gun. So different.
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scrappinmama
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Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Nov 5, 2018 20:39:51 GMT
I do not like guns, so I would be furious. If one spouse is dead set against something, then that needs to be honored. He should have discussed it with you. How can there be compromise without discussion? This applies whether it is buying a gun, a car, or any other purchase that both spouses aren't on board with.
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Post by birukitty on Nov 5, 2018 20:42:08 GMT
You've been married 23 years and you said you both have issues that you feel very strongly about. Not having guns in the house is your issue. I get this 100%. It was my issue too when I married my DH 23 years ago. At that time DH owned a handgun and I had a 4 year old son from a previous marriage. When I explained to him my feelings and the statistics about how having a gun in the home was actually more dangerous than not having one, especially with small children in the home, he understood and sold the gun before we were married. He promised to never bring a gun into our home again and hasn't.
Your DH went behind your back and bought this rifle. I can understand your hurt feelings about this. He knew exactly where you stood on this issue and how strongly you felt about it. He's known this for 23 years. I'd be livid and very seriously hurt too. We all have issues we feel extremely strong about. This is yours. It has nothing to do with not allowing him to have hobbies. You'd already done that. He'd been shooting at the gun range, and although you didn't care for it likely because you were worried about him being involved in a gun accident there, you understood that he was an adult and it was important for him to follow his hobbies.
Where you put your foot down was where you'd put your foot down throughout your entire marriage of 23 years-you didn't want to have a gun in your home. Now that your DH went behind your back and bought the rifle where is he planning on storing it? Where is it now? Is it in your home?
I believe marriage is made of compromises. The only compromise that will work for both of you that I can see here is that your DH store the gun outside the home. I couldn't live with a gun in my home and you shouldn't have to. You should feel safe in your own home. It's bad enough that he did all of this behind your back knowing how you felt. I would bring this up to him calmly and rationally if you can. Let him know that it is a compromise. An ultimatum would be making him take it back. Also I'd begin with the fact that he did this behind your back knowing how you felt about it for your entire marriage. That's what I'd do if it were me.
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Post by deekaye on Nov 5, 2018 20:49:00 GMT
I don't have a fear of guns, we own guns (law enforcement and hunting) and DH even collects antique guns. That being said, I totally validate the OPs thoughts. I would be furious if DH purchased something that not only upset me, but was expensive to boot, without discussing it with me beforehand. It just seems sneaky, that your husband knew your thoughts on guns so purchased it behind your back...
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Post by mellowyellow on Nov 5, 2018 21:01:45 GMT
I wouldn't have an issue with my DH buying a gun or doing it behind my back since we have separate accounts. After the bills are paid, he can spend his money however he wants to. My big issue would be him not validating my feelings. I have always said, you might not agree with me but please don't dismiss MY feelings. It's only happened a few times in over 24 years of marriage.
OP, I can definitely see how you would be hurt. I hope you can get some sort of resolution. Hugs!
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Deleted
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May 19, 2024 12:44:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2018 21:15:59 GMT
He’s a grown man. He’s allowed to make his own decisions and spend his own money.
Your requirement is not to bring it into your house. You assume he’s planning to do that.
He can rent a locker and keep it at the range. He could store it at a friend’s house. Did you ask if he has a plan?
Honestly, when you lay down the law, as inflexible as you have done, it’s human nature to look for a workaround. He’s allowed to grow and change his mind about things.
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GiantsFan
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Jun 27, 2014 14:44:56 GMT
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Post by GiantsFan on Nov 5, 2018 21:22:51 GMT
I don’t monitor DH spending. I can’t think of any item he would buy that would be a deal breaker for me unless it was illegal or put us in financial jeopardy. I may not participate in the use, but I’m not in charge of his choices. I guess you need need to decide if this really is a deal breaker. It sounds like he’s not taking it back because you don’t aporove. I would not expect an apology for his having a different idea about gun ownership. I say this as a person who owns a gun. This pretty much sums up how I feel. Just make sure he buys a gun safe, too. You don't have to know the combination.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Nov 5, 2018 21:24:55 GMT
On the flip side, your attitude that he can't be a hobbyist with the hobby he wants because of your attitude about guns would piss me off if you were my spouse. That's a very good way to look at it. The feelings of fear and anxiety are coming before the spouse's desire for a hobby/activity. I could see if he wanted to juggle lit dynamite which could never be made safe but if gun safety and responsible ownership are a part of his training then it is a safe activity. She has let him have his hobby. She doesn't want the gun in the house. To me, that is where the compromise has already been made. In this situation I would be livid, especially if he planned to keep the gun in the house. OP and her husband have already had the discussion about guns in the home, and it was agreed that there wouldn't be any in the home. For him to go behind her back and buy a gun is extremely disrespectful. Those who are posting and are gun owners need to be able to see this situation from someone else's perspective. Not everyone feels comfortable with guns at all, let alone in their home. It is more than just him having a hobby.
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Post by Tammiem2pnc1 on Nov 5, 2018 21:26:31 GMT
I don't like guns either and am a bit uncomfortable with them in the house, but I would never ever tell my DH that he can't have one. Just like he didn't tell me we can't have cats which he's not a huge fan of. BUT we do communicate and he would never buy a gun without consulting me first and I would never bring home an animal without consulting him first. So buying the gun wouldn't bother me, but him not telling me about it would.
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Post by Leone on Nov 5, 2018 21:36:11 GMT
I am not into guns. However, my advice is don’t sweat the small stuff. If this is his biggest negative thing he has done, live with it and count your blessings. He sounds very sensible and sometimes we all need to do something a bit naughty. If your kids are out of the house, storage of the gun should be easy.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Nov 5, 2018 21:38:00 GMT
I get all his texts on my computer, so it popped up there. Can we discuss this? We got a new Mac computer awhile ago and my texts show up on the computer, just the way they do on my phone. It is because of the way my apple ID is set up. Haven't bothered to figure out how to change that.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Nov 5, 2018 21:41:03 GMT
I am not into guns. However, my advice is don’t sweat the small stuff. If this is his biggest negative thing he has done, live with it and count your blessings. He sounds very sensible and sometimes we all need to do something a bit naughty. If your kids are out of the house, storage of the gun should be easy. Clearly, there are different levels of "not into guns." Just because it is small stuff to you doesn't mean that it has to be for the OP, or that she is overreacting just because you may not think it is a big deal and just a little "naughty" (what does that even really mean??).
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paigepea
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Jun 26, 2014 4:28:55 GMT
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Post by paigepea on Nov 5, 2018 21:51:16 GMT
I remember watching Oprah’s talk show one afternoon a few months before dh and I got married and it was on marriage. The guest talked about discussing all big issues before getting married, like how you’ll deal with religion, kids, etc. There was also a point that the guest made that there are always things we give up when we get married because we have to consider the other person.
So, then fiancé and I discussed religion (we’re both Jewish but were brought up in different types of Judaism) and how many kids we wanted, etc.
I remember thinking about the things I was giving up. At the time I came up with ever owning a cat again. My parents continued to care for our cat even though I wanted to take him with me to my new home. Dh is allergic. He can get by with meds but hates cats so I knew I’d never have a cat again.
I don’t buy the attitude that your dh should be pissed off because he can’t enjoy his hobby. We make compromises when we get married and he shouldn’t want to put you into an uncomfortable position. I would livid in your situation if I didn’t want a gun in the house, especially if your dh knew your views and went ahead and purchased the gun anyway.
When I went to open your thread in my head I was thinking ‘what could dh buy against my wishes that would bother me’. I quickly thought nothing, except maybe a gun. And then I read your OP. I think you both need to be on board to bring a gun into the house or the be a gun owning family. It would be a big issue for me.
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Post by SockMonkey on Nov 5, 2018 21:51:54 GMT
He’s a grown man. He’s allowed to make his own decisions and spend his own money. Your requirement is not to bring it into your house. You assume he’s planning to do that. He can rent a locker and keep it at the range. He could store it at a friend’s house. Did you ask if he has a plan? Honestly, when you lay down the law, as inflexible as you have done, it’s human nature to look for a workaround. He’s allowed to grow and change his mind about things. Yeah, but in a marriage, hiding things and lying isn't healthy. Saying it's "human nature" to lie to your spouse because you want, essentially, a toy/hobby is not okay. Grown man? Good. Man the fuck up and be honest, then.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Nov 5, 2018 21:54:55 GMT
correct me if I misunderstood, but the OP said she didn't want guns in the house. Her DH bought a gun, and it's ready to be picked up. Nowhere in there does it say whether the gun WILL BE stored in their house or not. The DH might have some OTHER plan for keeping the gun and still honoring her 'line in the sand' of 'no guns in the house.' ETA: and I don't believe the OP addressed at all whether they had any understanding about spending $$ with or without the other person's input / approval before the money was spent. They both definitely have been trained for safely handling a gun. I was fine with them shooting targets as long as no guns come into our home.I did ask him about it. He didn't deny it and said that he is going to use it for shooting clay targets. Never has he ever expressed an interest in this. He did get a bit defensive when I questioned him. Made it seem like I was overreacting (I never raised my voice) and what's the big deal. Not only that, the gun cost hundreds of dollars. We can afford that, but we usually give each other a heads up before making a large purchase. Never apologized or acknowledged my feelings. I don't think we know all the details to make the assumptions we've been making. If the OP is upset about the $$ being spent without telling her, that's one thing. If the OP is upset about the idea of buying a gun in general, that's NOT what the post said.
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Post by bc2ca on Nov 5, 2018 21:59:57 GMT
My husband and I have a few things in our marriage of 23 years that we feeling absolute about and pretty much nothing is going to change our mind. Mine is no fire arms of any kind in our home. I don't feel we need one for protection (because honestly, if they are stored properly in a locked safe and ammunition is stored somewhere else, they are useless in a home invasion) and I am absolutely against them for hunting animals of any kind. I feel incredible anxiety around guns and didn't want to bring an object into our home that could be used to harm or kill another living being. Hubby has always respected this and never tried to convince me otherwise. In the meantime, he did get firing range safety supervised by the NRA to help my son when he would go on target shooting trips with the Boys Scouts. They both definitely have been trained for safely handling a gun. I was fine with them shooting targets as long as no guns come into our home. Well, I found out this weekend that DH has purchased a high power rifle. I get all his texts on my computer, so it popped up there. I was not snooping on his phone. The text was letting him know the rifle was ready for pickup. My heart just sunk. I couldn't believe that he did this without even telling me he was considering this! I did ask him about it. He didn't deny it and said that he is going to use it for shooting clay targets. Never has he ever expressed an interest in this. He did get a bit defensive when I questioned him. Made it seem like I was overreacting (I never raised my voice) and what's the big deal. Not only that, the gun cost hundreds of dollars. We can afford that, but we usually give each other a heads up before making a large purchase. Never apologized or acknowledged my feelings. I am feeling pretty hurt that he just went ahead and did this and is acting like it is no big deal. How would you react? Should I just get over it? I told him I was hurt that my feelings weren't considered and he really didn't seem to care. He certainly didn't apologize. I have never before been aware of him doing something behind my back that he knows I wouldn't like. It makes me question if he really cares about my feelings. What do the peas think? Should I bring it up again? I don't want this to be a major fight, but I am feeling so low that he did this without regarding me. It is very much unlike him to do this. Your post comes across as if you are equally mad about him spending money and buying a gun. IMHO, one could be annoying and the other is a deal breaker. I wouldn't tie them together. DH might come home with an expensive new bike or tool and I wouldn't bat an eye. He would never come home with a gun because of my feelings about them. FTR, he has permanent eye damage because of a pellet gun accident as a teen, has hunted in the past, has attended gun shows and occasionally goes to the range with friends. I suggested he take DS to the range before a trip to the desert because I knew there would be shooting and wanted his first experience handling a gun to be in a safe, controlled environment with an instructor. A friend recently asked if DH would take their gun while they are on an extended vacation because he didn't want to leave it in their house. I said no. The friend said she'll never know, and DH still said no. Also FTR, our neighbor killed himself with a gun his dad was holding for a friend and mom knew nothing about. I do think it is disrespectful of your DH to dismiss your feelings and only you can decide what to do about it.
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LeaP
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Jun 26, 2014 23:17:22 GMT
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Post by LeaP on Nov 5, 2018 22:09:22 GMT
I validate you. A few years ago my husband bought a BB gun. When I saw that it kept denting the garage door all I could think of was one of the kids putting out an eye. I told him and he got rid of it and got an insane Airsoft rifle. I had him shoot me point blank to make sure it wouldn't hurt anybody. Good times. Bringing home a real gun, a car or some big ticket item would make me unhinged. Does your husband hunt? ETA: If he wants it for hunting then I can see the functionality of the purchase. I despise that term ('putting out an eye'), but it DOES happen, quite often. That's what happened to me, at close range. The bb/bullet was lodged deeply in my socket for 44 years and couldn't be retrieved. It wasn't a simple 1-surgery process (as it is with some people who lose their eye). It's been 44+ years of INTENSE pain and over 40 surgeries to "rebuild" me, so your worries are REAL. Don't dismiss them. I know some people (quite a few) who are suicidal due to the pain of the bb in their sockets. It also can kill people, so please keep that in mind. It's NOT a toy and it's not to be taken lightly, at ALL. I'm sorry that happened to you. In all the massacres I always think of the survivors who will face a lifetime of pain and side effects. Guns are designed to kill and even toy versions should not be taken lightly. My brother had a BB gun and I had a BB stuck in my thigh. My household is very careless (we can't even be bothered to consistently close our kitchen cabinets) we have to limit stuff that will injure. Both kids are OK with the kitchen knives.
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