likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
Aug 16, 2014 17:52:53 GMT
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Post by likescarrots on Mar 11, 2019 22:53:58 GMT
I would have put my foot down with my son. No. You can’t get married on that day because your family already has a wedding to attend/stand up in on that day. Her family was already planning on coming in May - for her graduation - and now she’s not going to walk. So, Now they are coming for her wedding? I’m sure they could have figured out a way to come to her wedding at a later date. As far as a reception in July - sorry, you can’t invited people to a reception months later if they weren’t invited to the wedding. That’s just asking for gifts. My mother put her foot down with me about my venue, time, and date. She forgot that I was a grown up and let her know my intention behind my choices and that she could come, she could pay for a future event her way, or both but I was going to have my wedding at the river in July and it was going to be casual. We did just fine despite her being convinced I was an idiot. People still talk about how fun our wedding was. Seriously, either mother 'putting their foot down' would have gotten a hearty LOL from the two adults getting married (aka my husband and me). We got married in a court house, just the two of us, so we didn't have to deal with any of this crap.
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scrappington
Pearl Clutcher
in Canada
Posts: 3,139
Jun 26, 2014 14:43:10 GMT
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Post by scrappington on Mar 12, 2019 0:56:53 GMT
My mom tried to dictate my wedding. My return response was always "are you paying for this event, no. Then you have no say"
I had 20 people are my wedding and it was too many people. My parents hadn't spoken I'm ten years it didn't go well.
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Post by 50offscrapper on Mar 12, 2019 2:16:12 GMT
I need a place to vent. DS is engaged to a lovely girl but she’s making me crazy with her lack of planning. I really do like her, but she is so disorganized and flighty and knows nothing of planning an event. I have offered to help, but am only helping with what is asked so as not to take control. Damn, it’s hard! Their budget is small, and we are contributing some of the expenses like flowers and decorations. We’ll also likely pay for part of the brunch since our friend is doing the catering and I know their budget is tight. DH and I got married for $1500, including my dress, in 1993, so I appreciate a small budget. Big issue #1. Original wedding date was in July. Date then moved to May, on the same day my daughters are in their best friend’s wedding, and she’s also the best man’s sister. I had a fun phone call from my friend complaining that they were stealing her daughter’s wedding day. Don’t worry, I stood up for my kids, but Inside I was agreeing with some of her points. The date change was over her step dad not being able to get off work, but since the May date was scheduled since it’s bride’s college graduation day, they were already coming. I suggested the evening before? Noooooo, we have to get married on her grandpa’s birthday. Ok, but won’t you be stressed to have your wedding and college graduation on the same day? No, not going to walk at graduation. That went over poorly with her family. So, now my girls have their brother’s wedding in the morning, followed by a brunch, then leave for their friend’s wedding to get ready. Oh, and my girls are not involved in their brother’s wedding except as guests (and neither is FIL who is an ordained minister). Big issue #2. She picked a church that only holds 50 people. We can only have 25 people. I understand she doesn’t have many people to invite since all of her family lives four states away. But my brother can’t come then because his daughter graduates high school the following weekend and his vacation time is limited. We can’t invite any close friends that are like family to us because of limited space. I would have paid for our church that seats several hundred to allow for more guests. Minor issue #1. The MOB and grandma of Bride picked casual, busy print dresses. People just don’t know how to dress up for special occasions. So, I had to get a plain, solid church type dress so as not to clash and I still will look a little overdressed compared to them, even in my JCPenney purchase. Big Issue 3: they talked about a casual reception in July but have nothing planned. I have family and friends asking me when and where and cannot tell them anything. I am considering offering to have a backyard bbq event for this to get something organized. (At least my oldest dd who marries April of next year has already created her google doc tracking wedding plans. ) I offered to pay for them to elope and was turned down. The good Lord needs to lock my mouth shut. And I just got the text that wedding invitations were finally mailed today. I like her, I really like her. I validate your feelings!
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Post by prettyprettypaper on Mar 12, 2019 7:55:29 GMT
My stepdaughter got married a few months ago and there was no such discussion. Everyone wore what they wanted, and no one seemed bothered by it at all. My stepdaughter's partner was the main contact for any details, and I loved her response regarding my youngest being a flower girl. I asked if she had a preference in the style of white shoes she was to wear with her dress and if it was okay for her to change into another dress at the reception since the straps on her flower girl dress made her itch. She said, "She can do what she wants. I JUST WANT HER TO BE COMFORTABLE." I think we have to just understand, including me, that our social norms are not the same everywhere and expecting people in different parts of the country, world, region, or with different cultures or economic backgrounds--that we should all see weddings the same way. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a very casual wedding where no one cares what is worn by the MOB/MOG/or maybe anyone. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a coordinated wedding where everything is similar in style and color. Obviously neither type of wedding predicts how happy the couple will be or how long they will be married or how much they love their family. Obviously, one isn't WRONG. They are just different, and how we proceed, depends on what the couple wants. That is why I think it IS indeed best to at least ASK the bride and groom what they want. They may not care AT ALL. Awesome! They might care. Cool! That is what I mean by respecting each other. Check in about coordination and style. That is common decency imo. If they say, "whatever you want." OK. Also, because we all have different norms and expectations, sometimes, it is hard for us to navigate through other people's worlds when we join families. The OP acknowledges that she has to try to go with the flow. That isn't where she is comfortable. She is trying to navigate her future DIL's norms. Give her a little bit of a break. For those of you who are tending towards reprimanding her, ask yourself, if you are casual about weddings, how you would feel if your future DIL/SIL was going for an ultra formal wedding and expected you to have a formal gown and be dedicated to the minute by minute itinerary for the day. I would hope we would all try to go with that flow as well, but I bet, if you are honest with yourself, you might find yourself a little overwhelmed and maybe even a couple of you might post on two peas about it. Not because you think DIL/SIL is horrible but because its out of your comfort zone, your norms. Completely agree! Which is why I consulted with DIL. It was her and DSD's wedding, so I wanted to be sure they were okay with DD2's flower girl shoes, accessories, and hairstyle. The girls had a large, elegant wedding -- definitely not casual at all, but they still wanted their families to be as comfortable as possible (her response each time I asked about different components of DD2's outfit). I do think it was somewhat snotty of OP to make those comments about DIL's mother and grandmother. I don't know what their situation is, but perhaps that is the most they can afford? Perhaps the outfits they chose are outfits they consider "dressy". I grew up poor and I remember buying a new top for a school dance in the 9th grade. I mainly wore t-shirts to school because that is all we could afford. I never wore any of the latest fashions, pretty blouses, or dresses, so I was pretty excited and proud of my new top! It had buttons and a pocket! LOL A classmate asked if that was what I was wearing to the dance. I said, "yes". Our teacher, who was always impeccably dressed in pieces you could tell weren't cheap, was right there and she immediately placed her hand over her mouth to stifle a giggle. I was really hurt and suddenly embarrassed of the top I was previously so happy about. When I think about OP's statement about DIL's mother's and grandmother's outfits, I can't help but wonder if they are excited about their outfits the way I was about mine that one day in the 9th grade. Ultimately though, I think it boils down to what the couple want -- within reason, of course. My own DD1 is getting married next year, and if her partner insisted that I wear a formal gown, I really would have no problem wearing one. However, if a formal gown wasn't in my budget, I'd have no problem telling her, "I understand this is what you'd prefer, but I can only afford X." But I do get how the lack of planning can be quite maddening at times. DSD and her partner had no master plan at all. I'm the type of person who immediately creates a timeline and checklist and places everything in a binder, so I couldn't help but cringe on the inside every time they told me they were just figuring things out as they, along with DIL's siblings, went along. There was a lot of stuff we didn't find out about until the day before or the day of. It really got to be frustrating because we were clueless, but DH and I reminded ourselves that, as stressed as we were, the girls were even more stressed about their big day. As far as my DD1 and her partner planning their wedding, I have taken the same stance I have taken with all of her adult decisions. They are HER decisions to make, not mine. I'll admit, it's hard to step back sometimes and let her make her choices, but I respect that she's an adult living her life. I still give her my opinion, whether it be wedding-related or when it comes to other things, but I always step back and let her make her own choices in the end. The only exception would be anything that pertains to the house since she lives with us still. For example, she can't decide to bring home a new pet unless we approve. But back to the wedding, even with DH and I contributing a nice sum towards the cost of the wedding, that money is going to be a gift, not a bargaining tool to have things our way when it comes to the planning. It was the same with the funds we contributed to DSD's wedding last year. To address the question about a minute-by-minute itinerary for the day, it would be nice to have a detailed itinerary, but that's just my style. I'm a planner! I want to know where you want me to be, what time you want me there, and what you want me to do. However, just as with the formal gown question, I'd have no problem pointing out when things might not be do-able. For instance, I might say, "You want us to be at A at this time, and then at B at that time. That is going to be difficult because it's going to take us X long just to walk over there, and that doesn't take into account us possibly running overtime at A for X or Y reasons. I'm just letting you know now that we could possibly be late". I think I've just planned enough events, for both work and family, over the years, to be comfortable stepping up and comfortable stepping back.
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The Great Carpezio
Pearl Clutcher
Something profound goes here.
Posts: 2,926
Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Mar 12, 2019 12:54:18 GMT
I think we have to just understand, including me, that our social norms are not the same everywhere and expecting people in different parts of the country, world, region, or with different cultures or economic backgrounds--that we should all see weddings the same way. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a very casual wedding where no one cares what is worn by the MOB/MOG/or maybe anyone. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a coordinated wedding where everything is similar in style and color. Obviously neither type of wedding predicts how happy the couple will be or how long they will be married or how much they love their family. Obviously, one isn't WRONG. They are just different, and how we proceed, depends on what the couple wants. That is why I think it IS indeed best to at least ASK the bride and groom what they want. They may not care AT ALL. Awesome! They might care. Cool! That is what I mean by respecting each other. Check in about coordination and style. That is common decency imo. If they say, "whatever you want." OK. Also, because we all have different norms and expectations, sometimes, it is hard for us to navigate through other people's worlds when we join families. The OP acknowledges that she has to try to go with the flow. That isn't where she is comfortable. She is trying to navigate her future DIL's norms. Give her a little bit of a break. For those of you who are tending towards reprimanding her, ask yourself, if you are casual about weddings, how you would feel if your future DIL/SIL was going for an ultra formal wedding and expected you to have a formal gown and be dedicated to the minute by minute itinerary for the day. I would hope we would all try to go with that flow as well, but I bet, if you are honest with yourself, you might find yourself a little overwhelmed and maybe even a couple of you might post on two peas about it. Not because you think DIL/SIL is horrible but because its out of your comfort zone, your norms. Completely agree! Which is why I consulted with DIL. It was her and DSD's wedding, so I wanted to be sure they were okay with DD2's flower girl shoes, accessories, and hairstyle. The girls had a large, elegant wedding -- definitely not casual at all, but they still wanted their families to be as comfortable as possible (her response each time I asked about different components of DD2's outfit). I do think it was somewhat snotty of OP to make those comments about DIL's mother and grandmother. I don't know what their situation is, but perhaps that is the most they can afford? Perhaps the outfits they chose are outfits they consider "dressy". I grew up poor and I remember buying a new top for a school dance in the 9th grade. I mainly wore t-shirts to school because that is all we could afford. I never wore any of the latest fashions, pretty blouses, or dresses, so I was pretty excited and proud of my new top! It had buttons and a pocket! LOL A classmate asked if that was what I was wearing to the dance. I said, "yes". Our teacher, who was always impeccably dressed in pieces you could tell weren't cheap, was right there and she immediately placed her hand over her mouth to stifle a giggle. I was really hurt and suddenly embarrassed of the top I was previously so happy about. When I think about OP's statement about DIL's mother's and grandmother's outfits, I can't help but wonder if they are excited about their outfits the way I was about mine that one day in the 9th grade. Ultimately though, I think it boils down to what the couple want -- within reason, of course. My own DD1 is getting married next year, and if her partner insisted that I wear a formal gown, I really would have no problem wearing one. However, if a formal gown wasn't in my budget, I'd have no problem telling her, "I understand this is what you'd prefer, but I can only afford X." But I do get how the lack of planning can be quite maddening at times. DSD and her partner had no master plan at all. I'm the type of person who immediately creates a timeline and checklist and places everything in a binder, so I couldn't help but cringe on the inside every time they told me they were just figuring things out as they, along with DIL's siblings, went along. There was a lot of stuff we didn't find out about until the day before or the day of. It really got to be frustrating because we were clueless, but DH and I reminded ourselves that, as stressed as we were, the girls were even more stressed about their big day. As far as my DD1 and her partner planning their wedding, I have taken the same stance I have taken with all of her adult decisions. They are HER decisions to make, not mine. I'll admit, it's hard to step back sometimes and let her make her choices, but I respect that she's an adult living her life. I still give her my opinion, whether it be wedding-related or when it comes to other things, but I always step back and let her make her own choices in the end. The only exception would be anything that pertains to the house since she lives with us still. For example, she can't decide to bring home a new pet unless we approve. But back to the wedding, even with DH and I contributing a nice sum towards the cost of the wedding, that money is going to be a gift, not a bargaining tool to have things our way when it comes to the planning. It was the same with the funds we contributed to DSD's wedding last year. To address the question about a minute-by-minute itinerary for the day, it would be nice to have a detailed itinerary, but that's just my style. I'm a planner! I want to know where you want me to be, what time you want me there, and what you want me to do. However, just as with the formal gown question, I'd have no problem pointing out when things might not be do-able. For instance, I might say, "You want us to be at A at this time, and then at B at that time. That is going to be difficult because it's going to take us X long just to walk over there, and that doesn't take into account us possibly running overtime at A for X or Y reasons. I'm just letting you know now that we could possibly be late". I think I've just planned enough events, for both work and family, over the years, to be comfortable stepping up and comfortable stepping back. I am sorry that happened to you in 9th grade. I do think your interpretation of snotty though might have something to do with your own experiences and perceptions and perhaps the OP knows more about the lives of her future family than any of us do. I also do hope that if your DD's SO wanted a formal gown, you would try to find one. In 2019, the thrift store and clearance options are pretty varied and wide. It might not be easy to find something in your budget, but it might be doable (Admitting it would be harder if your sizing falls outside the industry "norm")
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Post by Darcy Collins on Mar 12, 2019 13:40:13 GMT
.... I do think it was somewhat snotty of OP to make those comments about DIL's mother and grandmother. I don't know what their situation is, but perhaps that is the most they can afford? Perhaps the outfits they chose are outfits they consider "dressy". I grew up poor and I remember buying a new top for a school dance in the 9th grade. I mainly wore t-shirts to school because that is all we could afford. I never wore any of the latest fashions, pretty blouses, or dresses, so I was pretty excited and proud of my new top! It had buttons and a pocket! LOL A classmate asked if that was what I was wearing to the dance. I said, "yes". Our teacher, who was always impeccably dressed in pieces you could tell weren't cheap, was right there and she immediately placed her hand over her mouth to stifle a giggle. I was really hurt and suddenly embarrassed of the top I was previously so happy about. When I think about OP's statement about DIL's mother's and grandmother's outfits, I can't help but wonder if they are excited about their outfits the way I was about mine that one day in the 9th grade. ... I am sorry that happened to you in 9th grade. I do think your interpretation of snotty though might have something to do with your own experiences and perceptions and perhaps the OP knows more about the lives of her future family than any of us do. I also do hope that if your DD's SO wanted a formal gown, you would try to find one. In 2019, the thrift store and clearance options are pretty varied and wide. It might not be easy to find something in your budget, but it might be doable (Admitting it would be harder if your sizing falls outside the industry "norm") I'm with prettyprettypaper on that one - the OP stated: "People just don’t know how to dress up for special occasions." and still being overdressed in her "JCPenney" purchase - yeah there's more than a bit of looking down at the inlaws in those statements.
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Post by prettyprettypaper on Mar 13, 2019 0:03:36 GMT
Completely agree! Which is why I consulted with DIL. It was her and DSD's wedding, so I wanted to be sure they were okay with DD2's flower girl shoes, accessories, and hairstyle. The girls had a large, elegant wedding -- definitely not casual at all, but they still wanted their families to be as comfortable as possible (her response each time I asked about different components of DD2's outfit). I do think it was somewhat snotty of OP to make those comments about DIL's mother and grandmother. I don't know what their situation is, but perhaps that is the most they can afford? Perhaps the outfits they chose are outfits they consider "dressy". I grew up poor and I remember buying a new top for a school dance in the 9th grade. I mainly wore t-shirts to school because that is all we could afford. I never wore any of the latest fashions, pretty blouses, or dresses, so I was pretty excited and proud of my new top! It had buttons and a pocket! LOL A classmate asked if that was what I was wearing to the dance. I said, "yes". Our teacher, who was always impeccably dressed in pieces you could tell weren't cheap, was right there and she immediately placed her hand over her mouth to stifle a giggle. I was really hurt and suddenly embarrassed of the top I was previously so happy about. When I think about OP's statement about DIL's mother's and grandmother's outfits, I can't help but wonder if they are excited about their outfits the way I was about mine that one day in the 9th grade. Ultimately though, I think it boils down to what the couple want -- within reason, of course. My own DD1 is getting married next year, and if her partner insisted that I wear a formal gown, I really would have no problem wearing one. However, if a formal gown wasn't in my budget, I'd have no problem telling her, "I understand this is what you'd prefer, but I can only afford X." But I do get how the lack of planning can be quite maddening at times. DSD and her partner had no master plan at all. I'm the type of person who immediately creates a timeline and checklist and places everything in a binder, so I couldn't help but cringe on the inside every time they told me they were just figuring things out as they, along with DIL's siblings, went along. There was a lot of stuff we didn't find out about until the day before or the day of. It really got to be frustrating because we were clueless, but DH and I reminded ourselves that, as stressed as we were, the girls were even more stressed about their big day. As far as my DD1 and her partner planning their wedding, I have taken the same stance I have taken with all of her adult decisions. They are HER decisions to make, not mine. I'll admit, it's hard to step back sometimes and let her make her choices, but I respect that she's an adult living her life. I still give her my opinion, whether it be wedding-related or when it comes to other things, but I always step back and let her make her own choices in the end. The only exception would be anything that pertains to the house since she lives with us still. For example, she can't decide to bring home a new pet unless we approve. But back to the wedding, even with DH and I contributing a nice sum towards the cost of the wedding, that money is going to be a gift, not a bargaining tool to have things our way when it comes to the planning. It was the same with the funds we contributed to DSD's wedding last year. To address the question about a minute-by-minute itinerary for the day, it would be nice to have a detailed itinerary, but that's just my style. I'm a planner! I want to know where you want me to be, what time you want me there, and what you want me to do. However, just as with the formal gown question, I'd have no problem pointing out when things might not be do-able. For instance, I might say, "You want us to be at A at this time, and then at B at that time. That is going to be difficult because it's going to take us X long just to walk over there, and that doesn't take into account us possibly running overtime at A for X or Y reasons. I'm just letting you know now that we could possibly be late". I think I've just planned enough events, for both work and family, over the years, to be comfortable stepping up and comfortable stepping back. I am sorry that happened to you in 9th grade. I do think your interpretation of snotty though might have something to do with your own experiences and perceptions and perhaps the OP knows more about the lives of her future family than any of us do. I also do hope that if your DD's SO wanted a formal gown, you would try to find one. In 2019, the thrift store and clearance options are pretty varied and wide. It might not be easy to find something in your budget, but it might be doable (Admitting it would be harder if your sizing falls outside the industry "norm") Thank you (regarding 9th grade incident). I do acknowledge that perhaps OP knows more about the family, but there are people who don't take other people's financial situations into consideration regardless. I don't recall seeing her mention it anywhere, which is why I wanted to throw out the possibility (reminder) that hey, maybe they can't afford it and maybe they are completely fine with their idea of "dressing up"?? My interpretation of snotty has everything to do with what I personally experienced growing up along with the experiences of others that I witnessed. It's basically the school of life and how we learn a lot of things, such as how NOT to treat people. When my DD gets married, I don't care what her MIL and grandmother IL wear to the ceremony and reception. If she and her partner are fine with it, I'm fine with it. Of course, I would try to find a formal gown. I even stated "I really would have no problem wearing one". I am thankful that I'm in a position where I can afford one now. Growing up poor, I still am in the habit of shopping clearance and sale items first, even though I really don't have to (I really do hate paying full price for anything). Now, where I would draw the line is if they insisted that I wear a specific dress that cost more than I was willing to pay. That is when I'd remind the couple that I have my limits. I think some couples get so caught up in their idea of a fantasy wedding that practicality goes out the window, and unless someone is paying for MY dress, I really don't think they can 100% dictate what I am to wear.
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