pridemom
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Post by pridemom on Mar 9, 2019 17:31:43 GMT
I need a place to vent. DS is engaged to a lovely girl but she’s making me crazy with her lack of planning. I really do like her, but she is so disorganized and flighty and knows nothing of planning an event. I have offered to help, but am only helping with what is asked so as not to take control. Damn, it’s hard! Their budget is small, and we are contributing some of the expenses like flowers and decorations. We’ll also likely pay for part of the brunch since our friend is doing the catering and I know their budget is tight. DH and I got married for $1500, including my dress, in 1993, so I appreciate a small budget.
Big issue #1. Original wedding date was in July. Date then moved to May, on the same day my daughters are in their best friend’s wedding, and she’s also the best man’s sister. I had a fun phone call from my friend complaining that they were stealing her daughter’s wedding day. Don’t worry, I stood up for my kids, but Inside I was agreeing with some of her points.
The date change was over her step dad not being able to get off work, but since the May date was scheduled since it’s bride’s college graduation day, they were already coming.
I suggested the evening before? Noooooo, we have to get married on her grandpa’s birthday. Ok, but won’t you be stressed to have your wedding and college graduation on the same day? No, not going to walk at graduation. That went over poorly with her family.
So, now my girls have their brother’s wedding in the morning, followed by a brunch, then leave for their friend’s wedding to get ready. Oh, and my girls are not involved in their brother’s wedding except as guests (and neither is FIL who is an ordained minister).
Big issue #2. She picked a church that only holds 50 people. We can only have 25 people. I understand she doesn’t have many people to invite since all of her family lives four states away. But my brother can’t come then because his daughter graduates high school the following weekend and his vacation time is limited. We can’t invite any close friends that are like family to us because of limited space. I would have paid for our church that seats several hundred to allow for more guests.
Minor issue #1. The MOB and grandma of Bride picked casual, busy print dresses. People just don’t know how to dress up for special occasions. So, I had to get a plain, solid church type dress so as not to clash and I still will look a little overdressed compared to them, even in my JCPenney purchase.
Big Issue 3: they talked about a casual reception in July but have nothing planned. I have family and friends asking me when and where and cannot tell them anything. I am considering offering to have a backyard bbq event for this to get something organized.
(At least my oldest dd who marries April of next year has already created her google doc tracking wedding plans. )
I offered to pay for them to elope and was turned down.
The good Lord needs to lock my mouth shut.
And I just got the text that wedding invitations were finally mailed today.
I like her, I really like her.
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Post by 950nancy on Mar 9, 2019 17:37:07 GMT
This is just one of those things that you have to tell yourself won't matter a year from now. Even if it really matters now. Not sure why Pa's birthday is the day, but it is what it is. I hope you have the strength to just get through it it all.
I got married in February years ago and my mother stressed about people not making it because of the weather. Thankfully it was a gorgeous day. I remember it didn't even stress me out one tiny bit. There is such a big difference in young adult stresses and older adult stresses for sure!
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PrettyInPeank
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Mar 9, 2019 17:52:23 GMT
I understand your stress, and could see myself getting worked up too if I were in your shoes. But from the outside looking in, I assure you even the big issues are still pretty minor, and that's good! I hope that's not coming off as dismissive, but instead as reassuring.
Vent away. I get it. But it'll be ok! There was a pea recently whose DIL didn't even have anything booked as the date neared, and it managed to be just fine. Their wedding will be, too. 😊
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pinklady
Drama Llama
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Post by pinklady on Mar 9, 2019 17:52:25 GMT
I’m gonna be blunt, it’s not YOUR wedding so stop making it all about YOU! You are the mother in law, unless your son is complaining, just show up, smile and be quiet.
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keithurbanlovinpea
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Flowing with the go...
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Post by keithurbanlovinpea on Mar 9, 2019 17:54:31 GMT
Their day, their decisions. Show up and celebrate. Let the other things go.
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desertgirl
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Post by desertgirl on Mar 9, 2019 17:55:08 GMT
I would concentrate on supporting their marriage and not on the wedding event. You like her. Keep on liking her.
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kate
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Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Mar 9, 2019 17:59:45 GMT
IMHO, your DS should have spoken up. If your family's attendance isn't important enough to him to discuss with his fiancée, then you can't really override him. The worst situation would be having YOU insist on a different date or venue while he privately says to his DF, "Yeah, I know, that's just how Mom is..." with an eyeroll. I don't understand why they need a July reception. I'd drop that off your list of worries right away. They are having a wedding brunch; that's when the toasts and everything will take place, right? After all is said and done, he will be married to a nice young lady. And that's the most important thing.  |
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pridemom
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Post by pridemom on Mar 9, 2019 18:03:14 GMT
This is just one of those things that you have to tell yourself won't matter a year from now. Even if it really matters now. Not sure why Pa's birthday is the day, but it is what it is. I hope you have the strength to just get through it it all. [\quote] It will work out. And I know how good she is with DS. I just want them to have a nice wedding. |
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Post by katlady on Mar 9, 2019 18:04:58 GMT
Sounds like the bride wants to keep things small, casual and simple. Maybe a big reception in July is not important to her. I would just let her, and him, handle things the way they want.
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Deleted
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Apr 28, 2024 16:18:12 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2019 18:09:32 GMT
I wouldn't worry too much about the arrangement for the day that will all work out in the ends it usually does or the outfit but I can see where you're coming from. Every mum wants to look and feel and wear that special outfit whether she's the mother of the bride or the groom.
I would be upset that she has moved the wedding date and virtually ignored the fact that your daughters can't be at their brother's wedding for the whole day. Who does that knowing that the other wedding is on that day before she moved her date? I think that is pretty selfish of her, does your son not mind?
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pridemom
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Post by pridemom on Mar 9, 2019 18:15:47 GMT
The July reception was their idea to accommodate those who aren’t invited to the wedding because of space limitations. So, they mention it to people, who then ask me and I have no information to give. I plan to smile and go on. I was frustrated and this morning because I had family asking for details and I have none to give. Oh good heavens, I am becoming Emily Gilmore! (Isn’t admission the first step.)  |
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Post by freecharlie on Mar 9, 2019 18:29:45 GMT
What a pain in the ass. Will you also attend the friend's daughter's wedding.
I get picking dates that work, but I also don't think other people need to fall all over themselves to accommodate
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Post by freecharlie on Mar 9, 2019 18:31:11 GMT
I plan to smile and go on. I was frustrated and this morning because I had family asking for details and I have none to give. Answer, I have no idea. When I know, Ill let you know. |
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pridemom
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Post by pridemom on Mar 9, 2019 18:34:10 GMT
What a pain in the ass. Will you also attend the friend's daughter's wedding. I get picking dates that work, but I also don't think other people need to fall all over themselves to accommodate It’s going to be hard to attend the other wedding, because I will have family staying at my home. This other girl has been like another daughter to us, and calls us her other parents. My goal is to be at the wedding ceremony, but doubt I can be at the reception. |
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Post by auntkelly on Mar 9, 2019 18:37:34 GMT
I think it's very inconsiderate of your son and future daughter in law to plan their wedding on the same day his best man's sister is getting married, especially given that your daughters are in the wedding. I think it's just as much your son's fault as the bride's fault. Nonetheless, I think you should stay out of it and just go with the flow.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Mar 9, 2019 18:47:05 GMT
You like her. Let her have her disorganized wedding. None of the rest really matters. If family is asking tell them you are not planning the wedding they'll have to ask your son any questions. While I understand it's not how you would do it, it's their wedding.
Know this is a vent, but the disparaging of the dresses selected by the MOB and GMOB come across petty and mean spirited. What you wear has nothing to do with them.
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Mar 9, 2019 18:50:38 GMT
I plan to smile and go on. I was frustrated and this morning because I had family asking for details and I have none to give. Answer, I have no idea. When I know, Ill let you know. A better answer would be: "I have no idea. You will need to check with DS. Here is his contact information." It's their reception and not yours so let them handle all the inquiries. pridemom - Sorry you are feeling stressed about their wedding. Just keep repeating "this too shall pass" and smile. |
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pridemom
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Post by pridemom on Mar 9, 2019 18:55:36 GMT
You like her. Let her have her disorganized wedding. None of the rest really matters. If family is asking tell them you are not planning the wedding they'll have to ask your son any questions. While I understand it's not how you would do it, it's their wedding. Know this is a vent, but the disparaging of the dresses selected by the MOB and GMOB come across petty and mean spirited. What you wear has nothing to do with them. Actually, it does. The MOG is not supposed to overdress compared to the MOB. I wear dresses from JCPenney typically for church, but the casualness of their dresses is what stands out. The MOB’s dress is too casual for some offices. I was going to wear a sheath dress with matching coat, but it’s too dressy compared to the MOB dress. Because they are wearing busy patterns, I went with a solid because pictures will be difficult with the patterns. |
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kelly8875
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Post by kelly8875 on Mar 9, 2019 19:01:33 GMT
If they want a small casual wedding, it’s not your place to say the church needs to be larger, and the MOB dress needs to be dressier. Go with the flow, it will all work out breathe in, breathe out |
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Post by bc2ca on Mar 9, 2019 19:03:48 GMT
I'm sure my MIL felt the way you do when we planned out very small wedding with a large picnic style reception a month later a few decades ago.
Your son and his fiance are having the wedding they want to have. They picked a church that will only hold 50 because they want a small, intimate wedding. They are happy with a morning service followed by a brunch.
Your DDs are really the only ones impacted because I'm sure they planned to spend the whole day getting ready for the other wedding.
Buy and wear the dress you want to wear. The photos that you want to display are going to be of your family with the bride & groom and or just the bride & groom.
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pridemom
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Post by pridemom on Mar 9, 2019 19:04:48 GMT
If they want a small casual wedding, it’s not your place to say the church needs to be larger, and the MOB dress needs to be dressier. Go with the flow, it will all work out breathe in, breathe out So I bite my tongue, vented here, and picked a more casual dress. |
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Post by phoenixcov on Mar 9, 2019 19:15:41 GMT
I never knew that the MOG is not supposed to overdress compared to the MOB.
Utter rubbish, if my DS ever gets married I fancy wearing a Sari that an Indian friend gave my late Mum
.Yes I do know how to wear one of those and I think they look lovely.
I am kind of glad that my family and friends prefer to just live together, so much more simple.
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Post by auntkelly on Mar 9, 2019 19:32:09 GMT
Actually, it does. The MOG is not supposed to overdress compared to the MOB. I wear dresses from JCPenney typically for church, but the casualness of their dresses is what stands out. The MOB’s dress is too casual for some offices. I was going to wear a sheath dress with matching coat, but it’s too dressy compared to the MOB dress. Because they are wearing busy patterns, I went with a solid because pictures will be difficult with the patterns. I think it's very considerate of you to think of the MOB when choosing your dress. I don't think one mother should try to outshine the other. However, the MOB might not feel you are upstaging her if you wear the sheath dress w/ the matching coat. Why don't you just send a picture of it to the bride and MOB and ask them if it will work? The worst that can happen is that they say "no" and you can move on to plan B. Don't feel compelled to wear a print though. There are plenty of solid colored casual dresses to chose from. |
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Post by Leone on Mar 9, 2019 19:35:49 GMT
Step back...it isn’t your wedding. When your family calls with questions or concerns, refer them to your new DIL or her mother. Show up, smile and try to enjoy yourself. If this is a sign of how frustrated you will be in the future with DIL, it isn’t a good sign.
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Deleted
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Apr 28, 2024 16:18:12 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2019 19:38:28 GMT
I am sitting on the bench with you.
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Post by pierkiss on Mar 9, 2019 19:47:00 GMT
The only thing that I am going to comment on is your minor issue #1. I would absolutely wear something that I totally lived and felt elegant in to my sons wedding. I would not care at all if I clashed or matched her mother. This is one of the biggest days in your sons entire life! It’s a formal event! Buy the fancy dress in a fabulous color and cut if you feel beautiful in it! Don’t dress down just because his in laws are going to. Seriously, the only things my mother and mother in law were worried about were making sure that their dresses weren’t the same, and making sure they also weren’t in white.
You will have like 1-2 photos where you and your sons mother in law will be in the same picture if that’s the concern. Don’t stress about this one.
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momto4kiddos
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Post by momto4kiddos on Mar 9, 2019 19:49:22 GMT
I would concentrate on supporting their marriage and not on the wedding event. You like her. Keep on liking her. This is very wise advice! I hope to remember it when I have to deal with my kids wedding planning adventures. It's one day, one event. I'd step back and let them work it all out, all the while hoping for the best. |
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inkedup
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Post by inkedup on Mar 9, 2019 20:51:07 GMT
You like her. Let her have her disorganized wedding. None of the rest really matters. If family is asking tell them you are not planning the wedding they'll have to ask your son any questions. While I understand it's not how you would do it, it's their wedding. Know this is a vent, but the disparaging of the dresses selected by the MOB and GMOB come across petty and mean spirited. What you wear has nothing to do with them. Actually, it does. The MOG is not supposed to overdress compared to the MOB. I wear dresses from JCPenney typically for church, but the casualness of their dresses is what stands out. The MOB’s dress is too casual for some offices. I was going to wear a sheath dress with matching coat, but it’s too dressy compared to the MOB dress. Because they are wearing busy patterns, I went with a solid because pictures will be difficult with the patterns. I think you are making too much of it. And I also think your distaste for your future daughter in law's family is showing. It sounds like your dress is appropriate for the wedding. Wear it and be happy for them. The rest is not your concern. It really isn't that hard to say "I'm not sure - maybe check with bride and groom after the wedding" when asked about the July reception. |
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Post by kitkath on Mar 9, 2019 21:18:47 GMT
I would have put my foot down with my son. No. You can’t get married on that day because your family already has a wedding to attend/stand up in on that day.
Her family was already planning on coming in May - for her graduation - and now she’s not going to walk. So, Now they are coming for her wedding? I’m sure they could have figured out a way to come to her wedding at a later date.
As far as a reception in July - sorry, you can’t invited people to a reception months later if they weren’t invited to the wedding. That’s just asking for gifts.
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AnotherPea
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Post by AnotherPea on Mar 9, 2019 21:20:06 GMT
This is just one of those things that you have to tell yourself won't matter a year from now. Even if it really matters now. Not sure why Pa's birthday is the day, but it is what it is. I hope you have the strength to just get through it it all. [\quote] It will work out. And I know how good she is with DS. I just want them to have a nice wedding. Who says it won't be nice? Sounds like it isn't what YOU want for the wedding. It's not about you. You like her. That's awesome. Make sure she continues to like you and back away. |
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