|
Post by kernriver on Apr 10, 2019 21:48:11 GMT
If it upset me, my husband would not do it. Even if it was an unreasonable request and he really wanted to do it, if I was upset, he would not do it. He also would never have kept a note from an old flame. And if I suffered from multiple ailments like you do, he would be especially sentive about upsetting me.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 12, 2024 3:17:35 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2019 21:55:17 GMT
I haven't read all the replies but back in late Feb or early March you 2 were having issues and you said couples therapy was not an option but you were going to seek therapy yourself.
Have you done so?
You really need to get into therapy or counseling and you BOTH need couples therapy. Like months ago.
I can't understand why you choose to stay with someone who talks to you in that manner and disrespects you.
Sorry to be blunt but are you only with him due to you need a care giver and can't work/have medical needs.
That is not a life I'd want to live. I'd be long gone and figure out how to get alone without him.
|
|
zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
Jul 7, 2014 19:36:30 GMT
|
Post by zella on Apr 10, 2019 21:57:43 GMT
When I asked him why on earth he'd ever think I'd embarrass him, he brought up this situation that happened about 12 years ago. The college friend and his wife and daughters were in town. We all went to dinner together. I began to act very strange. I really don't remember it well at all. I know I did things like laid down and put my head on my daughter's lap, covered my head with a napkin, and was just really weird. I also had double vision. And I really don't remember the rest. I talked to my doctor about it, and it was almost positively a random episode of very low blood sugar, which can make you act like you're drunk (I hadn't had anything to drink). I pointed out to him that that was mean, to blame me for something I had zero control over, and it's never happened before or since. He also didn't want me to be around his family, but I don't WANT to be around them. No problem.
|
|
anaterra
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,842
Location: Texas
Jun 29, 2014 3:04:02 GMT
|
Post by anaterra on Apr 10, 2019 21:59:29 GMT
So he is embarrassed of your medical conditions???
|
|
zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
Jul 7, 2014 19:36:30 GMT
|
Post by zella on Apr 10, 2019 22:02:48 GMT
I don't have a problem with him being with his friends AT ALL. I didn't even say anything last time he saw Jane. She is the only person I have concerns about. Period. And it's only because of how he's talked about her to me. She may have no interest anymore. She probably doesn't. But I think anyone can be tempted. Anyone. And the smart people don't put themselves in situations where that could occur. No, he claims he just said that because he was angry. I'm not a jealous person normally. It's only in this situation, and again, only because he has made me feel like second best.
|
|
zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
Jul 7, 2014 19:36:30 GMT
|
Post by zella on Apr 10, 2019 22:03:48 GMT
So he is embarrassed of your medical conditions??? Apparently.
|
|
YooHoot
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,417
Jun 26, 2014 3:11:50 GMT
|
Post by YooHoot on Apr 10, 2019 22:04:37 GMT
He is embarrassed by you. He thinks another women is the perfect woman.
Screw that shit. The question is.....why are you with him?
|
|
zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
Jul 7, 2014 19:36:30 GMT
|
Post by zella on Apr 10, 2019 22:06:24 GMT
I would be hurt about the comment being too embarrassed as to why he didn’t invite you. Why is he embarrassed of you? As for Jane and this trip..if he wants to cheat on you he doesn’t need this trip to do it. I think I would focus more on your marriage issues and less on this trip and Jane.i remember your post awhile back about you and your husband having issues and something about his driving..anyways I could be wrong(forgive me if I’m wrong) but you were asking for advice on there and said counseling isn’t a option and please don’t suggest it...to be honest you both need it. I have zero worries about him cheating here. He could, sure, but there's nothing here that would tempt him. But Jane could. Yeah, we do need counseling. It won't happen. I'll get it, but he won't. I haven't set it up yet because I've been dealing with setting up so many other doctors, and my physical issues were more pressing. But the counseling is coming.
|
|
|
Post by rockymtnpea on Apr 10, 2019 22:12:46 GMT
I think your second update on the previous page says it all...you indicate you cannot leave and you need him to care for you and to survive financially...perhaps he sees it the same way and in his thought it isn't a marriage it is simply a business arrangement.
First things first...not all men are assholes. My husband is far from perfect (and heck...neither am I) but he is not an asshole. Sounds like you have had some crappy men in your life but lets not group them all together.
Now on to your issue... A person that wants to strengthen their marriage does not "refuse" to go to counseling. (or refuse to do anything else that may save/help the marriage). He refuses to go because he is not invested in the marriage and because he can because he knows not a thing will change on your end. You will just accept it.
I am thinking like Mom in her post...he is embarrassed because: 1. You drink to much in the company of others and act a fool 2. Vanity 3. You cant carry a conversation What exactly is he talking about that is embarrassing him. That statement is cruel...
But...not letting him go THIS TIME will not change anything. At anytime he can slip out and go do what he wants to do. His conversation with you absolutely tells you that.
I am sad for you.
|
|
|
Post by papersilly on Apr 10, 2019 22:13:16 GMT
he has told me on multiple occasions is his "perfect woman," and has basically said he wished they'd ended up together. all other things aside, WOW, this was harsh. he didn't even even try to hide those feelings. clearly his heart wants what it wants. that's more disturbing to me thanwhether you or him go. and the fact that you embarrass him. another ouch.
|
|
zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
Jul 7, 2014 19:36:30 GMT
|
Post by zella on Apr 10, 2019 22:14:23 GMT
What makes you think he won't or hasn't cheated on you? A man who would say those things to his wife does not care for her. He doesn't care if he hurts you. I think anyone, man or woman, will cheat given the right circumstances. I think it's just human nature. I'm 56 and I've never cheated. Never will now. No one would want me anyway. I know, as much as it is possible to know, that he hasn't cheated. Now, with him working from home, we're together most of the time, so that helps. He's not a cheater at heart. I know that. But I also don't think him being alone with this other woman is smart. Same as I wouldn't be alone with any man that I carried a torch for (there isn't one, so it's easy for me). My dad never said a bad word about my mother. But apparently he cheated on her. She cheated on him, too. Her 2nd husband was a serial cheater. Both my grandmothers cheated, and I knew it even as a kid, even before I understood what was going on. Perhaps I just come from a shitty family (well, I know I come from a shitty family), but I've seen how common it is. But in my experience there's not necessarily a correlation between cheating and the way the people talk to and about each other.
|
|
zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
Jul 7, 2014 19:36:30 GMT
|
Post by zella on Apr 10, 2019 22:17:07 GMT
I think your second update on the previous page says it all...you indicate you cannot leave and you need him to care for you and to survive financially...perhaps he sees it the same way and in his thought it isn't a marriage it is simply a business arrangement. First things first...not all men are assholes. My husband is far from perfect (and heck...neither am I) but he is not an asshole. Sounds like you have had some crappy men in your life but lets not group them all together. Now on to your issue... A person that wants to strengthen their marriage does not "refuse" to go to counseling. (or refuse to do anything else that may save/help the marriage). He refuses to go because he is not invested in the marriage and because he can because he knows not a thing will change on your end. You will just accept it. I am thinking like Mom in her post...he is embarrassed because: 1. You drink to much in the company of others and act a fool 2. Vanity 3. You cant carry a conversation What exactly is he talking about that is embarrassing him. That statement is cruel... But...not letting him go THIS TIME will not change anything. At anytime he can slip out and go do what he wants to do. His conversation with you absolutely tells you that. I am sad for you. I'm confused by the 1,2,3. I don't drink. And I can converse with friends very well. He's never suggested either of these things. Am I missing something here?
|
|
|
Post by papersilly on Apr 10, 2019 22:21:11 GMT
What makes you think he won't or hasn't cheated on you? A man who would say those things to his wife does not care for her. He doesn't care if he hurts you. He's not a cheater at heart. I know that. . do you know that? again, your words--- he has told me on multiple occasions is his "perfect woman," and has basically said he wished they'd ended up together.
if he feels this way, isn't that a form of cheating?
|
|
|
Post by rockymtnpea on Apr 10, 2019 22:26:03 GMT
I was using those things as examples. (not implying your drink...just an example) I was trying to understand why he says you might embarrass him...like maybe you do things like that. Him saying that (which in itself is cruel...I am sure he could of picked a better word)would make me wonder what it is you are doing to make him say that. You should ask him point blank. You cant change a behavior if you don't know what it is that make him "embarrassed"
|
|
rodeomom
Pearl Clutcher
Refupee # 380 "I don't have to run fast, I just have to run faster than you."
Posts: 3,661
Location: Chickasaw Nation, Oklahoma
Jun 25, 2014 23:34:38 GMT
|
Post by rodeomom on Apr 10, 2019 22:35:24 GMT
I tried to do this under a new identity, but messed up and posted as me. So here ya go. Please be sweet to me; I'm a fragile flower, lol! So my husband is planning to go to a reunion of sorts in June where he'd see his best pal from college, his best friend from high school, and the woman that he has told me on multiple occasions is his "perfect woman," and has basically said he wished they'd ended up together. He will also see family members, but separately from his friends. At no time did he ask me if I wanted to go with him. I know, and very much like, both the male friends; I've never met the woman (I'll call her Jane). He visited Jane maybe about a year ago when he went to visit family. Even though she is married, and one of her daughters was supposed to be there, the daughter wasn't there, and so it was just the two of them. On the June visit, he tells me he won't be alone with Jane, but I have no way of knowing that. I just found a note Jane wrote him when she got married (many years ago, but still). It sort of suggested she felt the same way. The last words were "Do you believe in fate?" Now I'm not a jealous type at all, but we had a HUGE fight about this recently, because I was so hurt that he didn't even ask if I wanted to go with him. He got all angry and said he wouldn't go. Now, as the time gets closer, he asked me the other day if I really wasn't going to let him go on this trip. He also told me the reason he didn't want me to go was because I might embarrass him! I thought that was really cruel. I trust my husband in every other way, and with any other person. But Jane could be unhappy in her marriage for all I know. The fight we had was BEFORE I found the note, and I haven't told him about it yet. I know he's never cheated on me, and I know he didn't cheat on his first wife despite offers. But we've been married a long time, and though we get along great most of the time, there's no novelty anymore, you know? So I'm asking for your thoughts. Would you be hurt about this situation? definitely Would you insist on going or he doesn't go? Would you say go but you are not to see Jane alone? Would you just say go and not worry about it? Really, does it matter? You have to stay with him anyway. I am really torn about this whole thing, and I don't think I'm being overly sensitive, You are not overly sensitive. but I know you guys will tell me, hopefully in a nice way, if I am. I went back and reread your post because I was really shocked by what he said to you. But I know every marriage is different. I was wondering what it was you were asking because you seem to be ok with this or at least making excuses for him. You, in your words have to put up with it. So what can anyone say? This whole thing just blows my mind.
|
|
|
Post by friendly on Apr 10, 2019 22:39:12 GMT
When I asked him why on earth he'd ever think I'd embarrass him, he brought up this situation that happened about 12 years ago. The college friend and his wife and daughters were in town. We all went to dinner together. I began to act very strange. I really don't remember it well at all. I know I did things like laid down and put my head on my daughter's lap, covered my head with a napkin, and was just really weird. I also had double vision. And I really don't remember the rest. I talked to my doctor about it, and it was almost positively a random episode of very low blood sugar, which can make you act like you're drunk (I hadn't had anything to drink). I pointed out to him that that was mean, to blame me for something I had zero control over, and it's never happened before or since. He also didn't want me to be around his family, but I don't WANT to be around them. No problem. I'm hypoglycemic and have never behaved that way during an episode. I call bullish!t on that excuse.
|
|
|
Post by freecharlie on Apr 10, 2019 22:42:58 GMT
It would piss me off and either I would be going or he would not be. Nope.
In your financial situation, I dont know what you can do about it but it might be a deal breaker
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 12, 2024 3:17:35 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2019 22:46:27 GMT
ITA with anaterra. You're not able or going to leave him no matter what, so I'm not sure what you're really looking for here.
|
|
|
Post by twinks on Apr 10, 2019 22:48:58 GMT
Maybe he feels trapped as well. I agree with the PP who stated that he isn't invested in this marriage because he can say and do whatever he wants and you will just put up with it. I don't understand why you feel so poorly about yourself that you would put up with him treating you like this.
|
|
|
Post by mellyw on Apr 10, 2019 22:51:39 GMT
When I asked him why on earth he'd ever think I'd embarrass him, he brought up this situation that happened about 12 years ago. The college friend and his wife and daughters were in town. We all went to dinner together. I began to act very strange. I really don't remember it well at all. I know I did things like laid down and put my head on my daughter's lap, covered my head with a napkin, and was just really weird. I also had double vision. And I really don't remember the rest. I talked to my doctor about it, and it was almost positively a random episode of very low blood sugar, which can make you act like you're drunk (I hadn't had anything to drink). I pointed out to him that that was mean, to blame me for something I had zero control over, and it's never happened before or since. He also didn't want me to be around his family, but I don't WANT to be around them. No problem. I'm hypoglycemic and have never behaved that way during an episode. I call bullish!t on that excuse. My FIL was a Type 1 diabetic, and acted just like a drunk when he went low. Like seriously embarrassing, hitting on the female ambulance driver in front of everyone, trying to grope her. Everything Zella described I saw happen with him. My DD, Type 1 too, turns into a stark raving bitch. Anyone who knows her asks her to check her blood sugar when she gets that way. And my Niece, Type 1 too, was a mix of the two. I’m sorry, Zella, for what’s happening. So disrespectful some of the things he’s said to you. I’m hopeful you’ll find a therapist soon.
|
|
scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,763
Jun 25, 2014 23:21:30 GMT
|
Post by scrapngranny on Apr 10, 2019 22:54:02 GMT
If you have no choice but to stay with him, your question is moot.
You have no recourse whatever he says or does. Put it in his lap and tell him to do whatever he wants.
|
|
|
Post by papercrafteradvocate on Apr 10, 2019 22:57:37 GMT
Saying to your face that you embarrass him?
Going to meet an old flame that he’s told you that he wished she was the one he married?
Nope. Nope. Nope.
And you’re not going to leave him as you’ve indicated up thread, so how are you going to live with what he said and hold him accountable?
|
|
|
Post by Zee on Apr 10, 2019 22:59:18 GMT
I sure would like to hear his version of the story.
|
|
psiluvu
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,217
Location: Canada's Capital
Jun 25, 2014 22:52:26 GMT
|
Post by psiluvu on Apr 10, 2019 23:02:01 GMT
I'm hypoglycemic and have never behaved that way during an episode. I call bullish!t on that excuse. I thought my daughter was on some weird hallucogenic drug when I took her to the hospital because she was hallucinating and acting so bizarre. She was diagnosed as a type 1 diabetic. OP - you say your are not going to leave him so what does it matter if he goes. His actions have no consequences and he probably knows that he do whatever he wants. Not much of a partnership but you seem willing to put up with it for financial security and someone to look after you so...
|
|
|
Post by dewryce on Apr 10, 2019 23:04:56 GMT
When I asked him why on earth he'd ever think I'd embarrass him, he brought up this situation that happened about 12 years ago. The college friend and his wife and daughters were in town. We all went to dinner together. I began to act very strange. I really don't remember it well at all. I know I did things like laid down and put my head on my daughter's lap, covered my head with a napkin, and was just really weird. I also had double vision. And I really don't remember the rest. I talked to my doctor about it, and it was almost positively a random episode of very low blood sugar, which can make you act like you're drunk (I hadn't had anything to drink). I pointed out to him that that was mean, to blame me for something I had zero control over, and it's never happened before or since. He also didn't want me to be around his family, but I don't WANT to be around them. No problem. I'm hypoglycemic and have never behaved that way during an episode. I call bullish!t on that excuse. Not everyone responds the same way to medical issues, so just because that wasn’t your experience doesn’t mean it wasn’t hers.
|
|
zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
Jul 7, 2014 19:36:30 GMT
|
Post by zella on Apr 10, 2019 23:17:18 GMT
I was using those things as examples. (not implying your drink...just an example) I was trying to understand why he says you might embarrass him...like maybe you do things like that. Him saying that (which in itself is cruel...I am sure he could of picked a better word)would make me wonder what it is you are doing to make him say that. You should ask him point blank. You cant change a behavior if you don't know what it is that make him "embarrassed" That was the only example he could come up with. The hypoglycemic episode. Okay, thanks, I understand now.
|
|
zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
Jul 7, 2014 19:36:30 GMT
|
Post by zella on Apr 10, 2019 23:18:44 GMT
I'm hypoglycemic and have never behaved that way during an episode. I call bullish!t on that excuse. Not everyone responds the same way to medical issues, so just because that wasn’t your experience doesn’t mean it wasn’t hers. Thank you, dewryce; I actually can't see the comment; I've blocked that person. I wonder why?
|
|
zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
Jul 7, 2014 19:36:30 GMT
|
Post by zella on Apr 10, 2019 23:20:41 GMT
I'm hypoglycemic and have never behaved that way during an episode. I call bullish!t on that excuse. I thought my daughter was on some weird hallucogenic drug when I took her to the hospital because she was hallucinating and acting so bizarre. She was diagnosed as a type 1 diabetic. OP - you say your are not going to leave him so what does it matter if he goes. His actions have no consequences and he probably knows that he do whatever he wants. Not much of a partnership but you seem willing to put up with it for financial security and someone to look after you so... Really sorry to hear about your daughter. Yeah, he has all the power in this relationship. I just don't see any options for me. Believe me, I've given it a lot of thought. And you know, when you've put over 20 years into a relationship you don't want to just give up on it. Well, I don't.
|
|
inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
|
Post by inkedup on Apr 10, 2019 23:25:47 GMT
I'm sorry you feel so stuck. Your husband may feel equally trapped.
It seems you've accepted that the life you have now is it, though. There is no getting better, no trying to make it better from what you have said.
Honestly, you will need to find a way to cope with this if this is the case. You can't/won't leave, and he won't change.
I'd look internally. Try to better myself and form outside relationships. Join an online book club or something if leaving the house isn't an option.
|
|
julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
Jul 11, 2018 15:20:45 GMT
|
Post by julie5 on Apr 10, 2019 23:28:02 GMT
When I asked him why on earth he'd ever think I'd embarrass him, he brought up this situation that happened about 12 years ago. The college friend and his wife and daughters were in town. We all went to dinner together. I began to act very strange. I really don't remember it well at all. I know I did things like laid down and put my head on my daughter's lap, covered my head with a napkin, and was just really weird. I also had double vision. And I really don't remember the rest. I talked to my doctor about it, and it was almost positively a random episode of very low blood sugar, which can make you act like you're drunk (I hadn't had anything to drink). I pointed out to him that that was mean, to blame me for something I had zero control over, and it's never happened before or since. He also didn't want me to be around his family, but I don't WANT to be around them. No problem. I'm hypoglycemic and have never behaved that way during an episode. I call bullish!t on that excuse. Same here. zella in one post you say he’s not a cheater. I’m another you say every man or woman if given the right circumstances. Which is it? And no, not every man or woman will cheat given the right circumstances. That’s completely idiotic. Many people are perfectly happy to be faithful to their partner, myself included.
|
|