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Post by jeremysgirl on Apr 10, 2019 23:31:01 GMT
I thought my daughter was on some weird hallucogenic drug when I took her to the hospital because she was hallucinating and acting so bizarre. She was diagnosed as a type 1 diabetic. OP - you say your are not going to leave him so what does it matter if he goes. His actions have no consequences and he probably knows that he do whatever he wants. Not much of a partnership but you seem willing to put up with it for financial security and someone to look after you so... Really sorry to hear about your daughter. Yeah, he has all the power in this relationship. I just don't see any options for me. Believe me, I've given it a lot of thought. And you know, when you've put over 20 years into a relationship you don't want to just give up on it. Well, I don't. This just makes me sad. Everything you've said makes me sad. I can imagine someone telling their partner that they did something embarrassing. What I can't understand is staying with someone you are embarrassed or ashamed of. That's the first thing. Second I cannot even imagine telling my husband, well I married you but this person over here is truly the love of my life. And I'm going to visit her? This just feels like an emotional slap. And the fact that you have to tolerate this because you can't leave? Well my heart breaks for you.
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anaterra
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,842
Location: Texas
Jun 29, 2014 3:04:02 GMT
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Post by anaterra on Apr 10, 2019 23:32:33 GMT
I am truly sorry that he feels that way about ur medical conditions... and disgusted that he would say that to ur face... it really isn't a healthy relationship...
We have lots of peas who have medical issues.. they have husbands who care for them and take care of them out of love... I feel like urs does it out of obligation...
I hope 1 day you find the strength to get out...
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Post by mnmloveli on Apr 10, 2019 23:41:46 GMT
I wouldn’t put up with this treatment BUT I understand you feel trapped in this situation. I think you should get prepared if HE LEAVES YOU ! Then you’ll be forced to find a way to cope. I would start making MY plan now. So sorry for you
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smcast
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,312
Location: MN
Mar 18, 2016 14:06:38 GMT
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Post by smcast on Apr 11, 2019 0:03:22 GMT
He is being so disrespectful to you. Almost like an emotional hostage. Whether you will or won't leave him does not make this a moot question. You can still demand he treats you with respect and talks decently to you. You are exactly right, people don't put themselves in this risky type of situation, it's disrespectful to the spouse. He is twisting things so no matter what, you are the bad guy. Calling you jealous, demanding, what-have-you,is a nasty tactic to shift blame. You do not need to be a doormat to him.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Apr 11, 2019 0:05:01 GMT
zella I just want to offer you (((Hugs))) What he said is shitty. No getting around that. There is no reason he should say such cruel things, and you don't deserve to hear them. He uses the power he knows he has because he knows he has the stronger hand in the relationship. I also understand you not being able to leave. It's not always as easy as saying, "I'm not putting up with it," and filing for divorce. You need to do whatever it takes to survive. It's that simple. So maybe just not think about it. Not argue about it. Not let it consume you. As a friend, I would like you to consider looking for information about options for the disabled. There have to be options to give you some kind of security and independence. Or at least the option to have it. Ask your doctor, or therapist to recommend an organization that specializes in helping a person in your situation.
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Post by quinlove on Apr 11, 2019 0:09:18 GMT
I’m so sorry. But - he’s cheating on you right now it seems. He is emotionally involved with her already. An emotional affair is *almost * as bad as a physical one. And, I don’t think there is anything you can do to stop any of it. You can, however, make yourself emotionally stronger. We can help.
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Post by mygigiscraps on Apr 11, 2019 0:39:01 GMT
Sadly, the possibility of your husband having sex with another woman is the least disturbing part of the whole situation. There cannot be any part of you that honestly believes that a man who speaks to you in that manner has any love for you. He is also not going to ever treat you any better than you let him know you will tolerate being treated. From the sound of things, he would prefer that the two of you were no longer married. I don't know your entire story, but why in hell would you stay with him?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 11, 2024 10:14:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2019 0:41:50 GMT
I have a question that I hope doesn't upset you...
What therapies have you done past and present for your social anxiety?
It is never okay for a spouse to say you embarrass me BUT if you are fully aware that your actions cause hesitation when it comes to your dh inviting you YOU should make the changes. Not place blame everywhere else.
You said in another thread that you struggle with social interactions. Have you ever done therapies to help with those scenarios?
Maybe look at the changes you can make that can have a positive affect on your self and your marriage.
Also I would talk with an SSDI Medical type lawyer as well as reach out to disability organizations in your area to see what your options are.
Have you ever tried to get an in home nurse covered? Even for partial day? To give your dh a break and let him just be a husband?
Not everyone is suited to be a full time care giver. Its hard.
Your dh is not only a husband but nurse, financial person, does everything.
I am sure he is overwhelmed and frustrated and unfortunately takes it out on you.
I think there is a lot of deep stuff going on not just the surface we see.
But I think you need to look at other options. Spouse support. Increasing ssdi. Other income options.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 11, 2024 10:14:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2019 0:43:08 GMT
Sadly, the possibility of your husband having sex with another woman is the least disturbing part of the whole situation. There cannot be any part of you that honestly believes that a man who speaks to you in that manner has any love for you. He is also not going to ever treat you any better than you let him know you will tolerate being treated. From the sound of things, he would prefer that the two of you were no longer married. I don't know your entire story, but why in hell would you stay with him? He is her care giver and she is disabled. She only gets $600 a month and has no means to work and cant live alone
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 11, 2024 10:14:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2019 0:43:43 GMT
I would really look into in home LVN or RN care.
Give your dh a break and let him be a dh again.
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Post by mygigiscraps on Apr 11, 2019 0:48:01 GMT
Sadly, the possibility of your husband having sex with another woman is the least disturbing part of the whole situation. There cannot be any part of you that honestly believes that a man who speaks to you in that manner has any love for you. He is also not going to ever treat you any better than you let him know you will tolerate being treated. From the sound of things, he would prefer that the two of you were no longer married. I don't know your entire story, but why in hell would you stay with him? He is her care giver and she is disabled. She only gets $600 a month and has no means to work and cant live alone Well that explains a lot. Still, surely in a divorce, she would be awarded alimony, especially if they have been married for a long time. Also, abusing someone who is disabled is as bad or worse as child or elder abuse. Are there any organizations that might be of help? What an absolutely shitty situation to be in!
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kelly8875
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,391
Location: Lost in my supplies...
Oct 26, 2014 17:02:56 GMT
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Post by kelly8875 on Apr 11, 2019 0:48:31 GMT
From experience I see nothing but RED FLAGS flying all around. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this
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Post by christine58 on Apr 11, 2019 0:51:16 GMT
zella start planning your life without him. I know that sounds harsh but do not stay with someone because you "have to". UNLESS you are willing to accept all the crap he has said.
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Post by Skellinton on Apr 11, 2019 0:52:48 GMT
I have no advice that haven’t been said before. I am just sorry that your husband has said such ugly things to you. I am sorry that you feel you can’t leave. I am sorry for your situation. Does your husband say why he refuses counseling? Does he not understand how you feel and that it can help you two communicate better? I hope you can start counseling on your own soon.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Apr 11, 2019 1:11:48 GMT
I am sorry you are going through this. I would be very hurt and upset. Even if your DH doesn't have intentions of cheating, he is setting things up so that there are more possibilities for inappropriate conversations or contact than what there should be. I would be very uncomfortable with him going alone.
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Post by leftturnonly on Apr 11, 2019 1:14:18 GMT
he asked me the other day if I really wasn't going to let him go on this trip. Big problems in the wording there. The man is an adult. You can ask him if he will take you or not go. You can tell him you don't want him to go. But, you do not have any authority to forbid him in any way. As soon as either of you start thinking that one of you has this kind of authority over the other, you've got problems. he didn't want me to go was because I might embarrass him! Would you be hurt about this situation? Them's fighting words! Damn straight I'd be hurt.... and he'd be hurtin' .24 seconds after he said anything like that. Part of me has to ask why he would even have told you he wants to visit this other woman without you. It just sounds like he's trying to provoke you into being jealous. It's one thing to go someplace without your spouse. This is another thing.
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,368
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Apr 11, 2019 1:23:17 GMT
Essentially you are stuck in this relationship because you depend on him financially. I can understand that. I guess I would just try to keep the peace and let him do what he does. I know more than one couple who share a home but not their lives. Good luck.
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Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
Posts: 4,662
Jun 25, 2014 19:33:19 GMT
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Post by Rhondito on Apr 11, 2019 1:28:06 GMT
I have no answers because I'm not in your situation, but my feelings would be really hurt.
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Post by mom on Apr 11, 2019 1:34:08 GMT
I tried to do this under a new identity, but messed up and posted as me. So here ya go. Please be sweet to me; I'm a fragile flower, lol! So my husband is planning to go to a reunion of sorts in June where he'd see his best pal from college, his best friend from high school, and the woman that he has told me on multiple occasions is his "perfect woman," and has basically said he wished they'd ended up together. He will also see family members, but separately from his friends. At no time did he ask me if I wanted to go with him. I know, and very much like, both the male friends; I've never met the woman (I'll call her Jane). He visited Jane maybe about a year ago when he went to visit family. Even though she is married, and one of her daughters was supposed to be there, the daughter wasn't there, and so it was just the two of them. On the June visit, he tells me he won't be alone with Jane, but I have no way of knowing that.
I just found a note Jane wrote him when she got married (many years ago, but still). It sort of suggested she felt the same way. The last words were "Do you believe in fate?" Now I'm not a jealous type at all, but we had a HUGE fight about this recently, because I was so hurt that he didn't even ask if I wanted to go with him. He got all angry and said he wouldn't go. Now, as the time gets closer, he asked me the other day if I really wasn't going to let him go on this trip. He also told me the reason he didn't want me to go was because I might embarrass him! I thought that was really cruel. I trust my husband in every other way, and with any other person. But Jane could be unhappy in her marriage for all I know. The fight we had was BEFORE I found the note, and I haven't told him about it yet. I know he's never cheated on me, and I know he didn't cheat on his first wife despite offers. But we've been married a long time, and though we get along great most of the time, there's no novelty anymore, you know? So I'm asking for your thoughts. Would you be hurt about this situation? Would you insist on going or he doesn't go? Would you say go but you are not to see Jane alone? Would you just say go and not worry about it? I am really torn about this whole thing, and I don't think I'm being overly sensitive, but I know you guys will tell me, hopefully in a nice way, if I am. First of all -- why were you expecting them to have a chaperone? These are not 15 year olds with hormones they cannot control. If my DH was in this situation, I wouldn't care if he were alone or with a group. I trust my husband. You say you aren't the jealous type but you are keeping track when your husband is alone with a woman, from a year ago. This is not normal behavior. I will give you that saying he might be embarrassed by you is something that would not be ok in my home, unless there was behavior in the past that fueled this worry. Is he afraid that your (obvious) jealousy will rear its head? I think its possible since you say you are having huge fights about this. I also agree with the poster (cannot remember who) who suggested that if your DH has a reason to be embarrassed, I would be in therapy/counseling to figure out what I can do to remedy the situation. Maybe his 'embarrassment'is unfounded and your therapist can help you sort that out. But, as wife who loves my husband, would be running my ass to the therapist to get to the bottom of it. Im sorry, but either you trust your husband or you don't. I have been cheated on in the past (extensively) and to this day, I have never thought my current husband would ever cheat on me. I trust him. I know that he is an honorable man and takes our vows seriously. I truly do not feel like you can trust your husband in one area and not another. For me, its all or nothing. Would I be hurt in this situation? Probably. But then I would get busy trying to get to the bottom of what part I had in my marriage failing. Would I forbid my husband to go? Hell no. He's a grown up and he is responsible for his behavior. If your DH cheats, then so be it. Keeping him at home is only going to encourage him (if he wanted to) find someone online. Or when he went to the store. Or...whenever he wanted. I say this as gently as I can. Your husband is telling you he is not happy in your marriage. Take him seriously. If he won't go to therapy, then you go without him. A bad marriage is very rarely only one person's fault. Sure, he could talk to you better. But there's probably things you could do that would honor him better as well. Are you doing things to show him that you value him (beyond just a paycheck)? I suspect if your DH were to be the one posting here, we would be hearing a different version of what's going on.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Apr 11, 2019 2:36:36 GMT
I wouldn’t put up with this treatment BUT I understand you feel trapped in this situation. I think you should get prepared if HE LEAVES YOU ! Then you’ll be forced to find a way to cope. I would start making MY plan now. So sorry for you I’m not so sure that she’s “trapped”. By her own description/account she WON’T leave because she needs his $$$. I wouldn’t call that trapped. If anyone is trapped, it might just be him!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 11, 2024 10:14:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2019 2:40:22 GMT
I wouldn’t put up with this treatment BUT I understand you feel trapped in this situation. I think you should get prepared if HE LEAVES YOU ! Then you’ll be forced to find a way to cope. I would start making MY plan now. So sorry for you I’m not so sure that she’s “trapped”. By her own description/account she WON’T leave because she needs his $$$. I wouldn’t call that trapped. If anyone is trapped, it might just be him! True. And makes you wonder if those feelings of being trapped us why he runs his mouth the way he does. Maybe trying to get her to get fed up and leave so he doesn't look like a jerk leaving a disabled wife. I dont buy that this is all his fault. They are both responsible in their issues.
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Post by mom on Apr 11, 2019 3:07:20 GMT
I’m not so sure that she’s “trapped”. By her own description/account she WON’T leave because she needs his $$$. I wouldn’t call that trapped. If anyone is trapped, it might just be him! True. And makes you wonder if those feelings of being trapped us why he runs his mouth the way he does. Maybe trying to get her to get fed up and leave so he doesn't look like a jerk leaving a disabled wife. I dont buy that this is all his fault. They are both responsible in their issues.
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Post by chaosisapony on Apr 11, 2019 3:25:44 GMT
I can understand why your feelings are hurt. However, based upon the wording in your original post, I'd be willing to bet your husband would have a different opinion about the situation.
In other threads you have stated that you have extreme social anxiety. Just based on that alone I can see why he wouldn't want to take you with him. You would be uncomfortable. He would be uncomfortable because you are and feel like he has to take care of you more than he can spend time with his friends that he is there to see. And honestly, yes, I might feel embarrassed of a spouse that seems like they are only there to babysit me because I might see an old flame. Now, that doesn't mean it's nice to say that to your face. I'm just saying, I think I get where he might be coming from.
Now, having said that! A very similar situation broke up my mom's marriage a few years ago. She and husband were totally happy. Husband went to a high school reunion alone (knew my mom didn't like going to those types of things so it wasn't a question of inviting her, he just knew he'd go alone) where he ran into an old friend that while he'd never dated, he'd always wanted to date in high school. They started an emotional affair. A very stressful year later he divorced my mom, married the new girl and cut ties with pretty much everyone in his old life. So yeah... I probably wouldn't be too thrilled about this in your shoes simply because I've seen this play out in my own life before.
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Post by scrapmaven on Apr 11, 2019 3:40:10 GMT
Zella, I'm glad that you posted as yourself, because this is a real situation and it's much better to face it rather than hide. Ya, you'll take some punches on this thread, but you'll also gain some insight. My dh is also my caretaker sometimes. However, he's always respectful and loves me very much. If my dh truly loved someone else and thought of me as an embarrassment I wouldn't settle. I'd be in therapy and searching for options. I will never be anyone's 2nd choice. I'm sick, but I'm not dead. You are not allowed to hurt me or make me feel less than. No one is allowed to do that to me. My physical weakness doesn't equal mental weakness and no one gets to be cruel to me. No one!
He won't go to counseling and that tells me that he's either not willing to put the work into the relationship or he doesn't care enough to do so. Are you deeply in love w/this man? Are you truly happy in your marriage, despite what he's said and done? If so, then fine. If not, then it's time to see what your options are. Counseling w/your dh is essential, but if he won't put in the work then you have to decide if YOU want to settle for a guy like him. You're not as trapped as you think. When you two are getting along well is it because no one is addressing the elephant in the room, his feelings for Jane? There are options available. Don't be stuck. Fight for yourself. Go to bat for yourself. Be your own best friend and your own best advocate. Don't settle!
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Post by bc2ca on Apr 11, 2019 4:43:06 GMT
So my husband is planning to go to a reunion of sorts in June where he'd see his best pal from college, his best friend from high school, and the woman that he has told me on multiple occasions is his "perfect woman," and has basically said he wished they'd ended up together. He will also see family members, but separately from his friends. At no time did he ask me if I wanted to go with him. I know, and very much like, both the male friends; I've never met the woman (I'll call her Jane). He visited Jane maybe about a year ago when he went to visit family. Even though she is married, and one of her daughters was supposed to be there, the daughter wasn't there, and so it was just the two of them. On the June visit, he tells me he won't be alone with Jane, but I have no way of knowing that. Now I'm not a jealous type at all, but we had a HUGE fight about this recently, because I was so hurt that he didn't even ask if I wanted to go with him. I trust my husband in every other way, and with any other person. But Jane could be unhappy in her marriage for all I know. I've been thinking about this post all afternoon, especially these quoted sections and the bolded, because it reminds me how far I've come in a relationship with the wife of one of my oldest, dearest friends. He is the guy I made a pact with to marry if we were still single at 30. When we hit 30 single, we bumped the promise to 40. Both of us were happily married before that. My DH has no concern hearing stories about our years of ski weekends together and his wife took it as proof we were hiding a serious romance. Her jealousy was a source of frustration and embarrassment for him. It took her about 25 years to really believe we are just friends that do have a bit of a secret language and ability to make each other laugh to tears over a shared history. When you write your DH "has basically said he wished they'd ended up together", "basically" is the word that jumps out at me. That is your perception/interpretation of what he has said. Yet he shared that he saw her last summer and plans to see her again this year. He isn't hiding the relationship/friendship but you are determined to believe there must be something more to it. The bottom line is you trust your DH or you don't. I am saying this as gently as possible, but your relationship with your DH is complicated by his caretaker duties. Sometimes what keeps the caretaker going is the knowledge of a break. Taking you with him doesn't give him that break. Insisting he not go is not fair.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 11, 2024 10:14:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2019 5:30:46 GMT
So my husband is planning to go to a reunion of sorts in June where he'd see his best pal from college, his best friend from high school, and the woman that he has told me on multiple occasions is his "perfect woman," and has basically said he wished they'd ended up together. He will also see family members, but separately from his friends. At no time did he ask me if I wanted to go with him. I know, and very much like, both the male friends; I've never met the woman (I'll call her Jane). He visited Jane maybe about a year ago when he went to visit family. Even though she is married, and one of her daughters was supposed to be there, the daughter wasn't there, and so it was just the two of them. On the June visit, he tells me he won't be alone with Jane, but I have no way of knowing that. Now I'm not a jealous type at all, but we had a HUGE fight about this recently, because I was so hurt that he didn't even ask if I wanted to go with him. I trust my husband in every other way, and with any other person. But Jane could be unhappy in her marriage for all I know. I've been thinking about this post all afternoon, especially these quoted sections and the bolded, because it reminds me how far I've come in a relationship with the wife of one of my oldest, dearest friends. He is the guy I made a pact with to marry if we were still single at 30. When we hit 30 single, we bumped the promise to 40. Both of us were happily married before that. My DH has no concern hearing stories about our years of ski weekends together and his wife took it as proof we were hiding a serious romance. Her jealousy was a source of frustration and embarrassment for him. It took her about 25 years to really believe we are just friends that do have a bit of a secret language and ability to make each other laugh to tears over a shared history. When you write your DH "has basically said he wished they'd ended up together", "basically" is the word that jumps out at me. That is your perception/interpretation of what he has said. Yet he shared that he saw her last summer and plans to see her again this year. He isn't hiding the relationship/friendship but you are determined to believe there must be something more to it. The bottom line is you trust your DH or you don't. I am saying this as gently as possible, but your relationship with your DH is complicated by his caretaker duties. Sometimes what keeps the caretaker going is the knowledge of a break. Taking you with him doesn't give him that break. Insisting he not go is not fair. Ding ding ding ding ding! You really should look into in hime LV and RN care. Also previously up thread you stated there is no one else, it is only dh. And that you can't live alone. If that is the case, how do you manage to get by when dh is away on trips?
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peabrain
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,588
Jun 25, 2014 22:18:04 GMT
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Post by peabrain on Apr 11, 2019 12:20:49 GMT
Ok, I don't keep a spreadsheet so can I please ask some background questions?
Your dh quit his job to move with you cross country? Is he working now or did he retire?
Where do this lady live in relation to you all now? Are you closer or farther apart?
Thank you.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Apr 11, 2019 12:31:31 GMT
I have not yet read the other replies but this does not sound good at all. I know you've had significant health concerns lately and this might be his escape. Sorry to be so dramatic but that comment about not embarrassing him would have me seeing red!
My son said something similar to me when I said I would be at his grandmother's Christmas Eve birthday...he said "don't say anything scandalous." Umm, wtf? But I digress...that was my son. This is your husband. Whole different animal! I would want to gobsmack him for that!
Knowing how you feel and asking you if you still won't "let" him go? Jesus! Why can't he invite you? I would be livid if he went without me after knowing how I felt.
Good luck with this. Sounds like things may be rockier than you may realize. Please watch your heart and finances.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Apr 11, 2019 12:36:09 GMT
He may be feeling like the "provider" and "caretaker" but wants to feel the freedom and excitement of an illicit affair. If he goes, that would be a huge sign to me that he doesn't give a flip about your feelings.
I have scanned the other replies though and it sounds like you're stuck regardless. Sorry that you're in that situation.
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,682
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Apr 11, 2019 13:01:36 GMT
he has told me on multiple occasions is his "perfect woman," and has basically said he wished they'd ended up together I would have to know the context of this before I could judge, it could joking or said in jest. A couple of random comments taken out of context and said over the course of 20 years could be nothing or something. I just found a note Jane wrote him when she got married (many years ago, but still). It sort of suggested she felt the same way. The last words were "Do you believe in fate?" Again, could be anything. Did you find it in a box of junk in the attic or hidden in the bottom of his underwear drawer? I mean, weird that he kept it but without knowing why he kept it (to read and pine over her regularly or because he stuck it somewhere and promptly forgot about it). I was so hurt that he didn't even ask if I wanted to go with him You've said elsewhere that you have social anxiety, so much that you didn't even want to talk to a neighbor. It also sounds like you didn't go with him to the last, similar, event so he probably assumed you wouldn't want to go this time. But Jane could be unhappy in her marriage for all I know. Or she could be perfectly happy and just wants to catch up with an old friend. You don't know so stop assuming the worst. I think you're assuming an awful lot here. Also, you and dh are together pretty much 24/7 right now, right? He probably just wants an escape for a couple days. I can't really defend the "embarrass" comment as I think that was in poor taste but again without the full context and his side I'm not going to assume he's the devil yet either.
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