zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884 
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Post by zella on Apr 10, 2019 20:33:38 GMT
I tried to do this under a new identity, but messed up and posted as me. So here ya go. Please be sweet to me; I'm a fragile flower, lol!
So my husband is planning to go to a reunion of sorts in June where he'd see his best pal from college, his best friend from high school, and the woman that he has told me on multiple occasions is his "perfect woman," and has basically said he wished they'd ended up together. He will also see family members, but separately from his friends. At no time did he ask me if I wanted to go with him. I know, and very much like, both the male friends; I've never met the woman (I'll call her Jane). He visited Jane maybe about a year ago when he went to visit family. Even though she is married, and one of her daughters was supposed to be there, the daughter wasn't there, and so it was just the two of them. On the June visit, he tells me he won't be alone with Jane, but I have no way of knowing that.
I just found a note Jane wrote him when she got married (many years ago, but still). It sort of suggested she felt the same way. The last words were "Do you believe in fate?"
Now I'm not a jealous type at all, but we had a HUGE fight about this recently, because I was so hurt that he didn't even ask if I wanted to go with him. He got all angry and said he wouldn't go. Now, as the time gets closer, he asked me the other day if I really wasn't going to let him go on this trip. He also told me the reason he didn't want me to go was because I might embarrass him! I thought that was really cruel.
I trust my husband in every other way, and with any other person. But Jane could be unhappy in her marriage for all I know. The fight we had was BEFORE I found the note, and I haven't told him about it yet. I know he's never cheated on me, and I know he didn't cheat on his first wife despite offers. But we've been married a long time, and though we get along great most of the time, there's no novelty anymore, you know?
So I'm asking for your thoughts. Would you be hurt about this situation? Would you insist on going or he doesn't go? Would you say go but you are not to see Jane alone? Would you just say go and not worry about it? I am really torn about this whole thing, and I don't think I'm being overly sensitive, but I know you guys will tell me, hopefully in a nice way, if I am.
UPDATE: Sorry not ignoring you all. Yesterday (Thursday) I had to drive into Tampa proper to take DD to a drs appointment. Whole thing took much of the day. Then I was very ill when I got home. Today I've just been busy (Friday). Hubby and I have worked things out. Will try to update tomorrow (Saturday).
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Post by teacherlisa on Apr 10, 2019 20:38:08 GMT
this post is showing your real pea name
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lydia
Shy Member
Posts: 15
Apr 10, 2019 20:37:11 GMT
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Post by lydia on Apr 10, 2019 20:39:24 GMT
Yeah, I see that. Oh well. Too late now. I'll edit the first piece out. And now I can't get rid of my "fake" ID either. Lordy!
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rodeomom
Pearl Clutcher
Refupee # 380 "I don't have to run fast, I just have to run faster than you."
Posts: 3,658
Location: Chickasaw Nation, Oklahoma
Jun 25, 2014 23:34:38 GMT
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Post by rodeomom on Apr 10, 2019 20:44:07 GMT
I never thought I'd do this, come on with a new identity, but I'm a VERY long time Pea, and I'm just not sure I'm ready to share this as me, but I know the Peas always give the best advice. So my husband is planning to go to a reunion of sorts in June where he'd see his best pal from college, his best friend from high school, and the woman that he has told me on multiple occasions is his "perfect woman," and has basically said he wished they'd ended up together. He will also see family members, but separately from his friends. At no time did he ask me if I wanted to go with him. I know, and very much like, both the male friends; I've never met the woman (I'll call her Jane). He visited Jane maybe about a year ago when he went to visit family. Even though she is married, and one of her daughters was supposed to be there, the daughter wasn't there, and so it was just the two of them. On the June visit, he tells me he won't be alone with Jane, but I have no way of knowing that. I just found a note Jane wrote him when she got married (many years ago, but still). It sort of suggested she felt the same way. The last words were "Do you believe in fate?" Now I'm not a jealous type at all, but we had a HUGE fight about this recently, because I was so hurt that he didn't even ask if I wanted to go with him. He got all angry and said he wouldn't go. Now, as the time gets closer, he asked me the other day if I really wasn't going to let him go on this trip. He also told me the reason he didn't want me to go was because I might embarrass him! I thought that was really cruel. I trust my husband in every other way, and with any other person. But Jane could be unhappy in her marriage for all I know. The fight we had was BEFORE I found the note, and I haven't told him about it yet. I know he's never cheated on me, and I know he didn't cheat on his first wife despite offers. But we've been married a long time, and though we get along great most of the time, there's no novelty anymore, you know? So I'm asking for your thoughts. Would you be hurt about this situation? Would you insist on going or he doesn't go? Would you say go but you are not to see Jane alone? Would you just say go and not worry about it? I am really torn about this whole thing, and I don't think I'm being overly sensitive, but I know you guys will tell me, hopefully in a nice way, if I am. How in the world can your "get along" with him when he talks to you this way? If my husband ever said any of those things to me I would be GONE! |
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Post by MichyM on Apr 10, 2019 20:45:24 GMT
May I ask a question? From the bits I've read on here, it seems to me like you and your husband have ongoing issues. I think this may be a symptom of that. Have you two considered counseling, both together and/or separately?
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Post by teacherlisa on Apr 10, 2019 20:46:16 GMT
ok then I will answer  for the sake of full disclosure i am twice divorced and currently single I would be hurt as well, but mostly by the comments about how he wished they had ended up together. I am not sure that is something I would recover from, at least not very easily. We all had a crush and what ifs, but I could not imagine saying to my partner that I wished I had ended up with someone else, that they were perfect. I would not tell my husband he was not allowed to go. I would not want to be somewhere I would not be wanted. So that would leave me in the being upset camp lol. Worrying won't change the outcome, and if he were to cheat he would do that regardless of if you were worrying or not. I guess that probably doesn't help you, and i am sure sorry you are in this situation. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 27, 2024 23:03:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2019 20:48:35 GMT
If my husband told me I embarrass him, I would be gone. And this other woman is his "perfect" woman? Bye, sweetie!
Let him go. Go do something that makes you happy. When he gets back and he starts talking about how wonderful she was, ask him for a divorce.
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Nink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,947
Location: North Idaho
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Post by Nink on Apr 10, 2019 20:55:32 GMT
Because of what you’ve shared on here in the past I’m going to ask a very blunt question. Is your husband ever able to be just your husband or has he been relegated to mostly being your primary caregiver? I’m in no way excusing his behavior, but it may be time for some counseling.
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rodeomom
Pearl Clutcher
Refupee # 380 "I don't have to run fast, I just have to run faster than you."
Posts: 3,658
Location: Chickasaw Nation, Oklahoma
Jun 25, 2014 23:34:38 GMT
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Post by rodeomom on Apr 10, 2019 20:56:19 GMT
What makes you think he won't or hasn't cheated on you? A man who would say those things to his wife does not care for her. He doesn't care if he hurts you.
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Apr 10, 2019 20:56:47 GMT
I would be hurt about the comment being too embarrassed as to why he didn’t invite you. Why is he embarrassed of you? As for Jane and this trip..if he wants to cheat on you he doesn’t need this trip to do it. I think I would focus more on your marriage issues and less on this trip and Jane.i remember your post awhile back about you and your husband having issues and something about his driving..anyways I could be wrong(forgive me if I’m wrong) but you were asking for advice on there and said counseling isn’t a option and please don’t suggest it...to be honest you both need it.
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Post by hop2 on Apr 10, 2019 20:56:58 GMT
I don’t know about his visit with Jane but he should stop trash talking you. That’s pretty hurtful
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 27, 2024 23:03:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2019 20:58:55 GMT
If DH told me someone else was his perfect woman and that he did not want me to be at his reunion because I might embarrass him, I'd tell him to get the hell out. I also wouldn't be so trusting. That note you found was confirmation that they both discussed the "what if's" and are setting into motion thoughts that married people shouldn't be having.
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
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Post by zella on Apr 10, 2019 20:59:48 GMT
I never thought I'd do this, come on with a new identity, but I'm a VERY long time Pea, and I'm just not sure I'm ready to share this as me, but I know the Peas always give the best advice. So my husband is planning to go to a reunion of sorts in June where he'd see his best pal from college, his best friend from high school, and the woman that he has told me on multiple occasions is his "perfect woman," and has basically said he wished they'd ended up together. He will also see family members, but separately from his friends. At no time did he ask me if I wanted to go with him. I know, and very much like, both the male friends; I've never met the woman (I'll call her Jane). He visited Jane maybe about a year ago when he went to visit family. Even though she is married, and one of her daughters was supposed to be there, the daughter wasn't there, and so it was just the two of them. On the June visit, he tells me he won't be alone with Jane, but I have no way of knowing that. I just found a note Jane wrote him when she got married (many years ago, but still). It sort of suggested she felt the same way. The last words were "Do you believe in fate?" Now I'm not a jealous type at all, but we had a HUGE fight about this recently, because I was so hurt that he didn't even ask if I wanted to go with him. He got all angry and said he wouldn't go. Now, as the time gets closer, he asked me the other day if I really wasn't going to let him go on this trip. He also told me the reason he didn't want me to go was because I might embarrass him! I thought that was really cruel. I trust my husband in every other way, and with any other person. But Jane could be unhappy in her marriage for all I know. The fight we had was BEFORE I found the note, and I haven't told him about it yet. I know he's never cheated on me, and I know he didn't cheat on his first wife despite offers. But we've been married a long time, and though we get along great most of the time, there's no novelty anymore, you know? So I'm asking for your thoughts. Would you be hurt about this situation? Would you insist on going or he doesn't go? Would you say go but you are not to see Jane alone? Would you just say go and not worry about it? I am really torn about this whole thing, and I don't think I'm being overly sensitive, but I know you guys will tell me, hopefully in a nice way, if I am. How in the world can your "get along" with him when he talks to you this way? If my husband ever said any of those things to me I would be GONE! I have thought of leaving many, many times through the years. Thing is, when it's good, it's really good; when it's bad, it's really bad. Also, I am "trapped." I'm disabled and chronically ill. I cannot work. I get $600 a month in disability. I can't live alone, it's not possible. My health insurance alone is more than what I get! I have no family to turn to (you may have read about my millionaire plus mother who doesn't care to be involved in my problems at all), no siblings, no grandparents, and no friends that could possibly help me out. I'm stuck. And most of the time it's worth it. My standards are lower than they should be. I know that. My previous husband was a psychopath. I don't use that word lightly. I mean literally, I've looked up the definition. He lied constantly. He beat a lie detector test. He stalked me. He stole from me. He molested my child when she was three years old. He broke into my apartment to steal items from me. He assaulted my mother and tried to run her over in his truck. So maybe I don't have the highest standards, because nothing could compare to how awful life was with that monster. And you know, no one knows the truth of a marriage except the two people in it. I know he loves me. He proves it to me quite often. But he can be an asshole. In my experience that's true of most men. It was true of my dad, my mom's 2nd husband, her current fiance, my grandfather, my uncle. . . I could go on. My husband is probably the best of all of these men. |
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
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Post by zella on Apr 10, 2019 21:00:56 GMT
May I ask a question? From the bits I've read on here, it seems to me like you and your husband have ongoing issues. I think this may be a symptom of that. Have you two considered counseling, both together and/or separately? I was in counseling for about 2 years prior to our move and will go back before the summer. He is 100% against counseling of any kind, for any reason, period. There's no changing his mind about that. |
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Post by mustlovecats on Apr 10, 2019 21:01:37 GMT
Sorry, that’s a whole lotta nope for me.
He has an old flame who was his “perfect woman” and he wishes they had gotten married? Okay I can accept romanticizing something old in hindsight, I can say I have “the one that got away” and it’s not really a problem because well, we didn’t stay together and we haven’t talked in 20 years.
He has an old flame, his perfect woman, wishes they had gotten married, and they want to hang out AND he won’t invite me along ANDDDDDD he says I might embarrass him?? No thanks. That’s a bygone I would prefer was a bygone and he’s got a real problem if he wants to hide me from his friends.
I think you need marriage counseling. I can’t imagine my husband speaking to me this way.
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Post by KelleeM on Apr 10, 2019 21:02:46 GMT
My husband would be gone if he was afraid I’d embarrass him. I’m fortunate that I found a good guy this time around. It really sounds like your husband has his heart somewhere else.
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
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Post by zella on Apr 10, 2019 21:04:09 GMT
Because of what you’ve shared on here in the past I’m going to ask a very blunt question. Is your husband ever able to be just your husband or has he been relegated to mostly being your primary caregiver? I’m in no way excusing his behavior, but it may be time for some counseling. No, we very much are still husband and wife. In fact, I've been making a lot of effort to be more of a wife to him lately as I've been doing a bit better physically. I mostly take care of my own needs as far as my illness, though I do need his help sometimes. But no, I'd say it's at least 80% spouse. You'll see above that I'll be restarting counseling soon, but he would never go. Period. |
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rodeomom
Pearl Clutcher
Refupee # 380 "I don't have to run fast, I just have to run faster than you."
Posts: 3,658
Location: Chickasaw Nation, Oklahoma
Jun 25, 2014 23:34:38 GMT
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Post by rodeomom on Apr 10, 2019 21:09:06 GMT
How in the world can your "get along" with him when he talks to you this way? If my husband ever said any of those things to me I would be GONE! I have thought of leaving many, many times through the years. Thing is, when it's good, it's really good; when it's bad, it's really bad. Also, I am "trapped." I'm disabled and chronically ill. I cannot work. I get $600 a month in disability. I can't live alone, it's not possible. My health insurance alone is more than what I get! I have no family to turn to (you may have read about my millionaire plus mother who doesn't care to be involved in my problems at all), no siblings, no grandparents, and no friends that could possibly help me out. I'm stuck. And most of the time it's worth it. My standards are lower than they should be. I know that. My previous husband was a psychopath. I don't use that word lightly. I mean literally, I've looked up the definition. He lied constantly. He beat a lie detector test. He stalked me. He stole from me. He molested my child when she was three years old. He broke into my apartment to steal items from me. He assaulted my mother and tried to run her over in his truck. So maybe I don't have the highest standards, because nothing could compare to how awful life was with that monster. And you know, no one knows the truth of a marriage except the two people in it. I know he loves me. He proves it to me quite often. But he can be an asshole. In my experience that's true of most men. It was true of my dad, my mom's 2nd husband, her current fiance, my grandfather, my uncle. . . I could go on. My husband is probably the best of all of these men. I'm really sorry about all your troubles and that you are trapped in this situation. And compared to a psychopath it may seem like he loves you. But the things he said are meant to deliberately hurt you. This is not normal and it's not love. If your dad and other men have acted this way then you have been around some shity men. |
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Apr 10, 2019 21:16:39 GMT
I’m sorry, Zella. It would definitely upset me.
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scrappinmama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,861
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Apr 10, 2019 21:17:07 GMT
No way would I tolerate my husband saying something like that. It's a total disregard for your feelings. From what I have read, he is your primary caretaker, correct? I think couples counseling would be good for both of you. If he refuses you have to ask why he doesn't value the relationship enough to work on it.
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Post by bc2ca on Apr 10, 2019 21:22:01 GMT
I tried to do this under a new identity, but messed up and posted as me. So here ya go. Please be sweet to me; I'm a fragile flower, lol! So my husband is planning to go to a reunion of sorts in June where he'd see his best pal from college, his best friend from high school, and the woman that he has told me on multiple occasions is his "perfect woman," and has basically said he wished they'd ended up together. He will also see family members, but separately from his friends. At no time did he ask me if I wanted to go with him. I know, and very much like, both the male friends; I've never met the woman (I'll call her Jane). He visited Jane maybe about a year ago when he went to visit family. Even though she is married, and one of her daughters was supposed to be there, the daughter wasn't there, and so it was just the two of them. On the June visit, he tells me he won't be alone with Jane, but I have no way of knowing that. I just found a note Jane wrote him when she got married (many years ago, but still). It sort of suggested she felt the same way. The last words were "Do you believe in fate?" Now I'm not a jealous type at all, but we had a HUGE fight about this recently, because I was so hurt that he didn't even ask if I wanted to go with him. He got all angry and said he wouldn't go. Now, as the time gets closer, he asked me the other day if I really wasn't going to let him go on this trip. He also told me the reason he didn't want me to go was because I might embarrass him! I thought that was really cruel. I trust my husband in every other way, and with any other person. But Jane could be unhappy in her marriage for all I know. The fight we had was BEFORE I found the note, and I haven't told him about it yet. I know he's never cheated on me, and I know he didn't cheat on his first wife despite offers. But we've been married a long time, and though we get along great most of the time, there's no novelty anymore, you know? So I'm asking for your thoughts. Would you be hurt about this situation? Would you insist on going or he doesn't go? Would you say go but you are not to see Jane alone? Would you just say go and not worry about it? I am really torn about this whole thing, and I don't think I'm being overly sensitive, but I know you guys will tell me, hopefully in a nice way, if I am. So many thoughts swirling in my head on this one. - I have no problem with DH taking trips to spend time with his old friends, male or female, in a group or alone. I would never insist he doesn't go or put conditions on how he can meet up with someone. We both have friendship that go back to elementary school and it is a different visit when one of us tags along. The dynamic of how/what we talk about is vey different.
- I think you are attaching motives to Jane that aren't fair. Implying meaning and motivation to a note written many years ago despite the survival of her marriage to this point just to fit your narrative is unfair.
- I'm struggling with him saying he didn't want you to go because you might embarrass him? Is it because he will feel like he is being chaperoned? Is he embarrassed at having to explain your jealousy?
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Post by gmcwife1 on Apr 10, 2019 21:25:08 GMT
May I ask a question? From the bits I've read on here, it seems to me like you and your husband have ongoing issues. I think this may be a symptom of that. Have you two considered counseling, both together and/or separately? I was in counseling for about 2 years prior to our move and will go back before the summer. He is 100% against counseling of any kind, for any reason, period. There's no changing his mind about that. I’m glad you are getting back into counseling for yourself |
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
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Post by freebird on Apr 10, 2019 21:31:38 GMT
Sounds like he's screwing up from many different directions.
He's embarrassed by you. Not only does he feel it, but he thinks it's ok to say that to your FACE.
He still has feelings for an old flame (enough he kept a letter from her for YEARS).
He's planning a trip alone, without bothering to ask.
All big huge red flags to me. All big issues in a marriage. I'd focus on counseling for yourself, because you're accepting this as ok!
I'm sorry you're going through this and feel trapped. This sucks.
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Post by hop2 on Apr 10, 2019 21:33:34 GMT
I know he loves me. He proves it to me quite often. But he can be an asshole. In my experience that's true of most men. I completely understand this comment. |
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Post by pierkiss on Apr 10, 2019 21:34:40 GMT
If my husband told me that he wasn’t inviting me to places because I might embarrass him I would be heart broken. Absolutely heart broken. And it seems that he is worried you will embarrass him in front of his ex-girlfriend who he has told you he wished he had ended up with? I would be looking for a marriage counselor tonight to see together ASAP because clearly we are having problems. Also, if my husband didn’t invite me to his “reunion” with friends and family I would be really upset.
Didn’t you post here a few weeks ago about your husband getting really angry and yelly at you and your kid about something kind of small? Perhaps because you had been cramped inside of the RV for a couple of weeks on end? If that’s not you I apologize.
I am saying this as gently as I can, without snark or malice. I think you two have some serious issues going on in your marriage. I think you need to find a therapist that can help the two of you work through these issues together.
To answer your other question. I would let him go. I would be incredibly upset if he went without me, but I wouldn’t forbid him from seeing his friends and family. I do not forbid my husband from seeing and talking to other people without me present. I wouldn’t even forbid him from seeing his ex girlfriend (not that he would willingly do so, she was a psychotic bitch who tried to have him run over with a car after she dumped him). But he would absolutely know how hurt my feelings were if he didn’t invite me (assuming I wanted to be invited).
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trollie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,580
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Post by trollie on Apr 10, 2019 21:38:15 GMT
Him going to meet his "perfect woman" that "he wished he had ended up with" ALONE?!?!?!! would get a fat no from me. There is no way you can live with your mom? I would be extremely hurt by the things he has said to you.
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Post by mom on Apr 10, 2019 21:40:39 GMT
Before commenting, I would need to know the context of how he will be embarrassed by you? Is it because he knows you are jealous? Is it something more vain? Is it because you have been irrational in the past and caused a scene?
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teddyw
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,813
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Post by teddyw on Apr 10, 2019 21:41:01 GMT
I’m so sorry he said that to you. Go to counseling sooner rather than later.
I realize you probably can’t stop him from going on the trip but I just couldn’t get over it.
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kate
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,511
Location: The city that doesn't sleep
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Apr 10, 2019 21:41:12 GMT
Sounds to me like your Spidey sense is tingling, especially if you're not usually the jealous type. And, really, the fact that he wants to get together with an old flame *specifically without you* would be suspicious enough. Then, add that he talks about her as "perfect" - he's broadcasting his continued interest in her. How insulting to you. And to say you might EMBARRASS him?! No. He's trying to justify the unjustifiable. he asked me the other day if I really wasn't going to let him go on this trip. He's a grown-@$$ adult. It's not for you or anybody else to "let" him go on this trip. It's his decision to go or not go. He's trying to put you in a no-win position. |
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anaterra
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,827
Location: Texas
Jun 29, 2014 3:04:02 GMT
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Post by anaterra on Apr 10, 2019 21:45:34 GMT
This is probably not gonna be as gentle as it should.. or as you want...
I think since you feel u are trapped and yall just bought a new house... suck it up... if him n Jane have a fling then you cant do anything to stop him... you think you cant leave because you have no one to take care of you and your daughter... so you are gonna stay regardless..
Sooooo just let him do what he us gonna do.. put it out of ur mind so you dont make urself sicker over the stress... put on a happy face and pretend like everything is fine.. in the end you are not gonna leave him because you ""cant""... so dont do anything to make him leave you...
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