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Post by crazy4scraps on Apr 14, 2019 20:55:04 GMT
I’m guessing the brother/dad didn’t do very much with his older child/ren when they were young? Otherwise dude would have a freaking clue.
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,401
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Apr 14, 2019 22:07:13 GMT
Um, when you have kids, you take them with you. Grocery shopping, mall, out to eat, wine tasting, etc. It’s unreasonable to expect someone to come and stay at YOUR home to watch YOUR kid so you can go out for hours on end. I get date night here and there. That is totally something to not have kids in tow for but other than that, nope. Take them with you.
My kids are 7 and 3. Never had a sitter. My kids go everywhere we go. When I had my DS, my parents and in-laws came to my house to watch my DD. They had to take her to school, etc. Not a problem. There are people I don’t let my kids ride in the car with. It’s due to their poor choices of texting while driving, going off the road more than once, putting on make up while driving, passing out behind the wheel, and holding sauce so my kid can dip her nuggets in it while driving. Other than that, no real restrictions.
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smcast
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,296
Location: MN
Mar 18, 2016 14:06:38 GMT
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Post by smcast on Apr 14, 2019 22:30:54 GMT
No, that arrangement doesn't work for me.
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Post by giatocj on Apr 14, 2019 22:47:29 GMT
I would be doing zero accommodating for this couple. Zero. I’d be telling them every single time to find someone else to do the sitting until they lightened up their ridiculous demands.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 26, 2024 23:20:18 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2019 23:16:57 GMT
The more I read the more I wonder. How often do they want you to babysit? Is it just to go out for the day where they could take the baby with them (even if it is inconvenient because let's be real, parenting isn't responsibility free lifestyle). Or are we talking about the occasional date night, medical test, adults only event a few times a year.
I'm unnaturally invested in this now. I hope we get an update.
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Post by bigbundt on Apr 14, 2019 23:48:08 GMT
They are being insane. A hard lesson I learned as a new mom is that I can't control 100% of what happens when the baby is with someone else. If someone is doing me a favor, I had to let go of even more demands. This is a lesson they need to learn. The only demand that somewhat has merit is the not wanting her being driven around. That was a deal breaker I had with my ILs because they refused to listen and pretty much openly mocked me for showing them how to correctly buckle the baby into the car seat. After all they had watched my niece for years! They know how to use a car seat! Except every single picture of niece had the chest clip too low and the straps very loose. They would take the car seat in and out all the time, installing it so that it would basically flop all around. I had every right to put that demand in place as it was a safety issue, possibly a life and death situation. On the flip side they had every right to refuse to watch my kids if they needed to go somewhere. Fortunately their desire to see the kids more was greater and they are now car seat experts. But I had to let go of pretty much everything else and my kids always come back to me just fine. I just don't ask a lot of questions.
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finaledition
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,896
Jun 26, 2014 0:30:34 GMT
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Post by finaledition on Apr 15, 2019 0:12:13 GMT
They are being insane. A hard lesson I learned as a new mom is that I can't control 100% of what happens when the baby is with someone else. If someone is doing me a favor, I had to let go of even more demands. This is a lesson they need to learn. The only demand that somewhat has merit is the not wanting her being driven around. That was a deal breaker I had with my ILs because they refused to listen and pretty much openly mocked me for showing them how to correctly buckle the baby into the car seat. After all they had watched my niece for years! They know how to use a car seat! Except every single picture of niece had the chest clip too low and the straps very loose. They would take the car seat in and out all the time, installing it so that it would basically flop all around. I had every right to put that demand in place as it was a safety issue, possibly a life and death situation. On the flip side they had every right to refuse to watch my kids if they needed to go somewhere. Fortunately their desire to see the kids more was greater and they are now car seat experts. But I had to let go of pretty much everything else and my kids always come back to me just fine. I just don't ask a lot of questions. This was my in-laws too. My niece was the same age as my oldest and I saw how they installed the car seat-it would flip half on its side at any turn and they would not listen to my dh about installation. They also took my 2 year old to the park without a car seat and that bothered me. I know their kids survived no car seat, but it’s my kid and my preference. The other issue I had was the use of breast milk. My MIL was so anti breastfeeding she would continue to microwave it even after being asked to run it under hot water. I think it was her way of trying to show me he convenience of formula. Anyway those were my sticking issues, but we did not need sitters that often. We were homebodies or tag teaming it on the weekend. Please update. Inquiring minds want to know!!
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Post by bigbundt on Apr 15, 2019 1:33:46 GMT
This was my in-laws too. My niece was the same age as my oldest and I saw how they installed the car seat-it would flip half on its side at any turn and they would not listen to my dh about installation. They also took my 2 year old to the park without a car seat and that bothered me. I know their kids survived no car seat, but it’s my kid and my preference. The other issue I had was the use of breast milk. My MIL was so anti breastfeeding she would continue to microwave it even after being asked to run it under hot water. I think it was her way of trying to show me he convenience of formula. Anyway those were my sticking issues, but we did not need sitters that often. We were homebodies or tag teaming it on the weekend. There were other things my MIL did too because she thought she knew better. I remember her trying to force my youngest to take a pacifier for the longest time even after I told her the baby didn't like them. And then she wondered why the baby wouldn't want to be held by her. But this memory jog actually jogged something else for the OP... you mention his wife is young and their first together. The wife might be seriously insecure about her role as a mom, wanting to be a better mom/wife than the ex and all these demands are the manifestation of her insecurities. Like she feels like she has everything down when she is in control but what if someone does something better? So while I think she is going overboard, some kindness and understanding and validation of her mothering might help things too. You said she is working from home, is the baby with her and is she mobile yet? I worked from home with my youngest and managed to have her there until she started crawling. There came a point where I couldn't get anything done that needed a significant amount of time or concentration and nap time wasn't long enough. The baby got into everything so quickly! And when she started walking (early, of course), holy hell. I had to find a mothers day out program because I couldn't work and keep an eye on her. She might get to the point where she seeks external child care and A LOT is out of your hands parenting wise in that environment.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 26, 2024 23:20:18 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 15, 2019 16:29:21 GMT
Thank you all, I updated my first post with the brother conversation! Not sure where I was supposed to put the update, so it is here as well. First, a HUGE thank you to all. I really appreciated all the advice/affirmations/other perspectives. I was able to have a brief conversation with my brother this weekend and here are some things we discussed. 1) They like her to be sat at home for several reasons. The major reason is that they do not feel like anyone else's home is baby proofed enough. By this I mean they have pool noodles duct taped around their coffee table, every outlet covered, all cupboard doors locked up tight, gates galore, I don't know what else, a toilet lock I think. Some things are bubble wrapped. (that is not a joke) So (per my brother) IF they were to consider her coming to someone's home, it would need to be proofed like this. OMG. That is not going to happen for me, my kids would die laughing if I did all that. I explained to him that if she came to my house I would gate off the area we were in, and make sure that area was safe. I cannot wholly baby proof my house, that ship has sailed. So she probably won't be coming over to my house. Additionally, for the longer sitting (get this) they need someone there for their dog. So the baby gets babysat BUT they also have a pet sitter. I never considered that, lol. Someone to let the dog out, make sure it is fed, etc..frankly I'd rather care for the dog at this point. No bubble wrap needed! 2) That led to the driving. I explained (totally put it on me) that I am so busy with stuff and how much I want to help them, but I am stretched too thin. And that telling me we cannot go anywhere seriously impacts how much I am able to help them. Score! He said he would talk to his wife about that. 3) Yes, my brother was not super involved with his first child. He said he looks at this as his chance to "do it right", with both the baby AND the 2nd marriage. Good grief. To that note, his wife's word is law because she is following all the "correct" guidelines. While not a super helpful conversation, it was good to talk and get some insight. I do kind of feel bad for him, he is so concerned with not wanting to "mess up this time" that he is fearful of making any mistake. I told him in no uncertain terms that he just needed to make sure his daughter knew she was loved and cared for and that no matter how careful he was or how to the line they followed the American Academy of Pediatrics there were going to be some mistakes.
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Post by chitchatgirl on Apr 15, 2019 16:45:19 GMT
Thank you all, I updated my first post with the brother conversation! Not sure where I was supposed to put the update, so it is here as well. First, a HUGE thank you to all. I really appreciated all the advice/affirmations/other perspectives. I was able to have a brief conversation with my brother this weekend and here are some things we discussed. 1) They like her to be sat at home for several reasons. The major reason is that they do not feel like anyone else's home is baby proofed enough. By this I mean they have pool noodles duct taped around their coffee table, every outlet covered, all cupboard doors locked up tight, gates galore, I don't know what else, a toilet lock I think. Some things are bubble wrapped. (that is not a joke) So (per my brother) IF they were to consider her coming to someone's home, it would need to be proofed like this. OMG. That is not going to happen for me, my kids would die laughing if I did all that. I explained to him that if she came to my house I would gate off the area we were in, and make sure that area was safe. I cannot wholly baby proof my house, that ship has sailed. So she probably won't be coming over to my house. Additionally, for the longer sitting (get this) they need someone there for their dog. So the baby gets babysat BUT they also have a pet sitter. I never considered that, lol. Someone to let the dog out, make sure it is fed, etc..frankly I'd rather care for the dog at this point. No bubble wrap needed! 2) That lead to the driving. I explained (totally put it on me) that I am so busy with stuff and how much I want to help them, but I am stretched too thin. And that telling me we cannot go anywhere seriously impacts how much I am able to help them. Score! He said he would talk to his wife about that. 3) Yes, my brother was not super involved with his first child. He said he looks at this as his chance to "do it right", with both the baby AND the 2nd marriage. Good grief. To that note, his wife's word is law because she is following all the "correct" guidelines. While not a super helpful conversation, it was good to talk and get some insight. I do kind of feel bad for him, he is so concerned with not wanting to "mess up this time" that he is fearful of making any mistake. I told him in no uncertain terms that he just needed to make sure his daughter knew she was loved and cared for and that no matter how careful he was or how to the line they followed the American Academy of Pediatrics there were going to be some mistakes. Based on what you've said about that conversation, I suspect someone has some serious anxiety or they had trouble conceiving. May very well not be the case, but as someone with anxiety I can see that happening if I "lost" my ability to realize when the anxiety is out of control. Or if DH didn't point it out first ....or was too scared of me to point it out (hormones can turn you into a different person) Either way, I wouldn't do it either.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Apr 15, 2019 18:09:33 GMT
Bubble wrap and pool noodles We have pool noodles for our RV, but never used them on furniture for our kids My family would have a field day with that!
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Post by mikklynn on Apr 15, 2019 18:26:28 GMT
re: update - my sister let me watch her baby at my house, but her house was extremely baby-proof. But, she SMOKED!
Good luck.
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Post by hop2 on Apr 15, 2019 18:46:42 GMT
First, a HUGE thank you to all. I really appreciated all the advice/affirmations/other perspectives. I was able to have a brief conversation with my brother this weekend and here are some things we discussed. 1) They like her to be sat at home for several reasons. The major reason is that they do not feel like anyone else's home is baby proofed enough. By this I mean they have pool noodles duct taped around their coffee table, every outlet covered, all cupboard doors locked up tight, gates galore, I don't know what else, a toilet lock I think. But I keep getting asked for reasons that I say no....plus the guilt... Thanks for the advice. For what it’s worth, I had an ER visit from my DD falling & hitting her head on my coffee table. So, I’m not going to totally knock the baby proofing thing. Does it sound over board? Maybe. But who knows. Yeah, my DD is ok and she graduates college in 3 weeks, all ended fine. But damn I felt so so so so guilty that day. ( not to mention how guilty my Ex made me feel. ) I was right there, ( so was he ) I just couldn’t grab her in time. He just needs to be careful she doesn’t choke on the bubble wrap or a chewed off piece of pool noodle. People get complacent when they think it’s all ‘baby proofed’, because there really isn’t such a thing as totally baby proofed. Some of them are darned smart, fast & sneaky.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Apr 15, 2019 18:54:28 GMT
First, a HUGE thank you to all. I really appreciated all the advice/affirmations/other perspectives. I was able to have a brief conversation with my brother this weekend and here are some things we discussed. 1) They like her to be sat at home for several reasons. The major reason is that they do not feel like anyone else's home is baby proofed enough. By this I mean they have pool noodles duct taped around their coffee table, every outlet covered, all cupboard doors locked up tight, gates galore, I don't know what else, a toilet lock I think. But I keep getting asked for reasons that I say no....plus the guilt... Thanks for the advice. For what it’s worth, I had an ER visit from my DD falling & hitting her head on my coffee table. So, I’m not going to totally knock the baby proofing thing. Does it sound over board? Maybe. But who knows. Yeah, my DD is ok and she graduates college in 3 weeks, all ended fine. But damn I felt so so so so guilty that day. ( not to mention how guilty my Ex made me feel. ) I was right there, ( so was he ) I just couldn’t grab her in time. He just needs to be careful she doesn’t choke on the bubble wrap or a chewed off piece of pool noodle. People get complacent when they think it’s all ‘baby proofed’, because there really isn’t such a thing as totally baby proofed. Some of them are darned smart, fast & sneaky. In all seriousness this was my thought too, that the kid will rip off a piece of bubble wrap plastic or pool noodle and choke on it. FWIW, we didn’t have a coffee table but our kid would fall down and hit her head on the floor. Maybe we should have put a helmet on her!
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SweetieBsMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,599
Jun 25, 2014 19:55:12 GMT
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Post by SweetieBsMom on Apr 15, 2019 19:00:16 GMT
So when DS was born DH would only let family watch him. Since his family did nothing (still does) this left my sister. DH didn't want to let my sister watch DS, she doesn't have kids and, honestly, I don't understand the hesitation there. Anyway, cut to DS being a year old. I FINALLY get DH to agree to let my sister watch him. My argument: She's a paramedic, at the very least he'll be alive when we get home. We're having this discussion in the kitchen when I look out into the yard where my sister was with DS and her dog. I have to go to the door and say "uh, sister, can you tell your nephew to stop licking the tree stump...yeah, thanks".
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 26, 2024 23:20:18 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 15, 2019 19:15:22 GMT
1) They like her to be sat at home for several reasons. The major reason is that they do not feel like anyone else's home is baby proofed enough. By this I mean they have pool noodles duct taped around their coffee table, every outlet covered, all cupboard doors locked up tight, gates galore, I don't know what else, a toilet lock I think. Some things are bubble wrapped. (that is not a joke) So (per my brother) IF they were to consider her coming to someone's home, it would need to be proofed like this. OMG. That is not going to happen for me, my kids would die laughing if I did all that. I explained to him that if she came to my house I would gate off the area we were in, and make sure that area was safe. I cannot wholly baby proof my house, that ship has sailed. So she probably won't be coming over to my house. Additionally, for the longer sitting (get this) they need someone there for their dog. So the baby gets babysat BUT they also have a pet sitter. I never considered that, lol. Someone to let the dog out, make sure it is fed, etc..frankly I'd rather care for the dog at this point. No bubble wrap needed! Your kids are not the only one laughing....I'm dying here. Really...duck tape the coffee table, bubble wrap...... what the child?. OK I can understand putting locks on some cupboards, like cleaning stuff and china that you might not want to get broken but they're bordering on the ridiculous here.
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,682
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Apr 15, 2019 19:20:27 GMT
1) They like her to be sat at home for several reasons. The major reason is that they do not feel like anyone else's home is baby proofed enough. By this I mean they have pool noodles duct taped around their coffee table, every outlet covered, all cupboard doors locked up tight, gates galore, I don't know what else, a toilet lock I think. Some things are bubble wrapped. (that is not a joke) So (per my brother) IF they were to consider her coming to someone's home, it would need to be proofed like this. OMG. That is not going to happen for me, my kids would die laughing if I did all that. I explained to him that if she came to my house I would gate off the area we were in, and make sure that area was safe. I cannot wholly baby proof my house, that ship has sailed. So she probably won't be coming over to my house. Additionally, for the longer sitting (get this) they need someone there for their dog. So the baby gets babysat BUT they also have a pet sitter. I never considered that, lol. Someone to let the dog out, make sure it is fed, etc..frankly I'd rather care for the dog at this point. No bubble wrap needed! Your kids are not the only one laughing....I'm dying here. Really...duck tape the coffee table, bubble wrap...... what the child?. OK I can understand putting locks on some cupboards, like cleaning stuff and china that you might not want to get broken but they're bordering on the ridiculous here. Me too! Some of the best parts of being kids is getting into cupboards and banging around on the pots and pans or emptying the tupperware cabinet (not always the best part for mom, but still no harm done). We locked our cabinet under the sink, broom closet, utensils, etc. But pots/tupperware/towel/etc drawers/cabinets will all left unlocked....who has time to deal with installing and using all those locks Then again I wasn't afraid to tell our kids "no", some parents are apparently. I do worry about the bubble wrap, that could be a suffocation and/or choking hazard.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 26, 2024 23:20:18 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 15, 2019 19:33:52 GMT
Your kids are not the only one laughing....I'm dying here. Really...duck tape the coffee table, bubble wrap...... what the child?. OK I can understand putting locks on some cupboards, like cleaning stuff and china that you might not want to get broken but they're bordering on the ridiculous here. Me too! Some of the best parts of being kids is getting into cupboards and banging around on the pots and pans or emptying the tupperware cabinet (not always the best part for mom, but still no harm done). We locked our cabinet under the sink, broom closet, utensils, etc. But pots/tupperware/towel/etc drawers/cabinets will all left unlocked....who has time to deal with installing and using all those locks Then again I wasn't afraid to tell our kids "no", some parents are apparently. I do worry about the bubble wrap, that could be a suffocation and/or choking hazard. DD1 used to sit for hours with two saucepans and a wooden spoon.....think she thought she was the world greatest drummer......me I was nursing a headache
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Post by colleen on Apr 15, 2019 20:26:41 GMT
Me too! Some of the best parts of being kids is getting into cupboards and banging around on the pots and pans or emptying the tupperware cabinet (not always the best part for mom, but still no harm done). Unless you have a kid like mine who put all the Tupperware in the oven and closed the door. Then when I turned the oven on to preheat . . . I have a friend who didn't use her dishwasher for years because her ds could open the door.
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Post by Basket1lady on Apr 15, 2019 21:11:05 GMT
So when DS was born DH would only let family watch him. Since his family did nothing (still does) this left my sister. DH didn't want to let my sister watch DS, she doesn't have kids and, honestly, I don't understand the hesitation there. Anyway, cut to DS being a year old. I FINALLY get DH to agree to let my sister watch him. My argument: She's a paramedic, at the very least he'll be alive when we get home. We're having this discussion in the kitchen when I look out into the yard where my sister was with DS and her dog. I have to go to the door and say "uh, sister, can you tell your nephew to stop licking the tree stump...yeah, thanks". This reminds me of the first time we left DS for any length of time. It was with a friend who didn't have kids, but her brother-in-law was a pediatrician and living with him after he had just moved to the area and was house hunting. It turns out that DS fell out of the high chair. He was perfectly ok when we got back, but it was good to know he'd been checked out by a pediatrician! OP, you can get removable locks for cabinets--they would only be in use when the baby was over. We also had outlet covers that had a sliding door over the plug outlet--easy to use, but hard for little fingers to get into. Maybe some of those ideas would work for your house? Presumably there will be more kids and they will be at your house off and on for the next several years. Offer to let your brother look into (and pay for and install) some safety measures. That may help put them more at ease.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Apr 15, 2019 22:24:34 GMT
He just needs to be careful she doesn’t choke on the bubble wrap or a chewed off piece of pool noodle. People get complacent when they think it’s all ‘baby proofed’, because there really isn’t such a thing as totally baby proofed. Some of them are darned smart, fast & sneaky. Yes, things to think seriously about! Some of the best parts of being kids is getting into cupboards and banging around on the pots and pans or emptying the tupperware cabinet (not always the best part for mom, but still no harm done) Amazing how many drummers we peas have raised!
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Post by FuzzyMutt on Apr 22, 2019 20:58:18 GMT
FuzzyMutt You added a good perspective to the conversation. I learned I could not leave my children with my MIL, when she left our 4 week old son alone in a hotel room. We had arranged for DH's younger brother to sit in our room and watch tv while we met up with cousins elsewhere in the hotel. She came and got him, telling him to go to bed. We returned shortly to find our newborn alone. That would be terrifying! I'm so happy that your baby was ok!
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Apr 22, 2019 21:40:23 GMT
Um, when you have kids, you take them with you. Grocery shopping, mall, That's how they learn to behave! @kendramage
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,401
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Apr 23, 2019 1:06:29 GMT
Um, when you have kids, you take them with you. Grocery shopping, mall, That's how they learn to behave! @kendramage ABSOLUTELY! Mine can go anywhere and know expectations. Hell, we take them (7 & 3) wine tasting with friends and their kids! I don't drink so it's usually me entertaining them but whatever.
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