Post by sharlag on Oct 24, 2019 23:17:19 GMT
Monday. My boyfriend died. I found him. 911 made me do CPR, even though he was really gone.
I figured suicide because he tried twice this year already. Also the circumstances where I found him. But so far the coroner is saying he had an enlarged heart and significant blockage. They say tox info won’t be available for months.
His family has been great and loving, but they are 3 hours away. My family and friends didn’t like him, so I feel really isolated from mourning with people who share my affection from him.
I haven’t had to deal with the funeral etc because his mom is next of kin. But I have all of his stuff, and I’m trying to move soon so I don’t really have the luxury of just sitting on his belongings until I’m ready. I don’t want to host his family to come in and take what they want, having people in my house would stress me out. My son suggested I put his stuff in storage and then just give them the key and let them sort through it.
My blood pressure keeps going really high, it was 170/110 yesterday. It goes down if I take a Xanax and just sit around in the recliner. It did this the other two times he attempted suicide so it’s totally situational and it normalizes when things calm down. I went to the ER but after sitting in the waiting room for over an hour I left, bought a blood pressure reader thingy at Walmart and came home. I had been at that hospital with him five times this calendar year already, hanging out there wasn’t doing me any good.
This is just the end of months and months of me texting him daily praying he would answer so that I would know he was alive. We had this shitty dynamic where I was nagging him to do things that were less self-destructive (He was an addict, lost his job in January for using meth,and that’s when the whole downward spiral started)
It’s been really reassuring though, scrolling through our texts, seeing How loving we were with each other. I’m glad to have had our 2+ years together. He set the bar for me in how I want to be treated in a relationship. He helped me TONS with my mentally ill son, and took care of me so many times when I was exhausted from that emotional burden.
Suicide fucks up the family and loved ones in a special way.
ETA— If you are superstitious, this is something weird: we had two birds that got into our house last week.
I figured suicide because he tried twice this year already. Also the circumstances where I found him. But so far the coroner is saying he had an enlarged heart and significant blockage. They say tox info won’t be available for months.
His family has been great and loving, but they are 3 hours away. My family and friends didn’t like him, so I feel really isolated from mourning with people who share my affection from him.
I haven’t had to deal with the funeral etc because his mom is next of kin. But I have all of his stuff, and I’m trying to move soon so I don’t really have the luxury of just sitting on his belongings until I’m ready. I don’t want to host his family to come in and take what they want, having people in my house would stress me out. My son suggested I put his stuff in storage and then just give them the key and let them sort through it.
My blood pressure keeps going really high, it was 170/110 yesterday. It goes down if I take a Xanax and just sit around in the recliner. It did this the other two times he attempted suicide so it’s totally situational and it normalizes when things calm down. I went to the ER but after sitting in the waiting room for over an hour I left, bought a blood pressure reader thingy at Walmart and came home. I had been at that hospital with him five times this calendar year already, hanging out there wasn’t doing me any good.
This is just the end of months and months of me texting him daily praying he would answer so that I would know he was alive. We had this shitty dynamic where I was nagging him to do things that were less self-destructive (He was an addict, lost his job in January for using meth,and that’s when the whole downward spiral started)
It’s been really reassuring though, scrolling through our texts, seeing How loving we were with each other. I’m glad to have had our 2+ years together. He set the bar for me in how I want to be treated in a relationship. He helped me TONS with my mentally ill son, and took care of me so many times when I was exhausted from that emotional burden.
Suicide fucks up the family and loved ones in a special way.
ETA— If you are superstitious, this is something weird: we had two birds that got into our house last week.
I can’t even fathom how difficult all of this must be for you. I think putting his belongings in storage is a good idea, that way you will be out of the middle. Please do what you can to take care of yourself, even though at times like this it’s so much easier said than done. (((HUGS!!!)))
