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Post by Clair on Nov 10, 2019 5:36:25 GMT
I’m so sorry this happened to you.
No matter what the circumstances leading up to the incident - he was wrong- you were attacked. I’d call it a sucker punch because you had no chance to put your hands up to defend yourself.
There is something fundamentally wrong with someone who would do that to you or anyone.
I’m not victim shaming but maybe it wasn’t the wisest choice to bring up but his response was just wrong. There were many things he could have done - asked you to stop, walk away, ignore you, etc but he chose violence - never okay.
We’ve all poked the bear at some point - the difference here is you were met with violence.
My advice would be is to cut ties to your friend and try to find healing for yourself. I would think you need to move on from your friendship. My guess is that seeing your friend keeps bringing up the feelings and not allowing you to move forward.
Good luck.
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Post by refugeepea on Nov 10, 2019 6:36:26 GMT
spitfiregirl, I understand how this is bothering you a year later. Your best friend of 30+ years, *her* husband attacked you and she wants you to let it go.
You don't have to forgive to move on. You know he's an ass. It's a meaningless gesture. You've cut him out of your life. It's not your job as the victim to make him and his wife feel better.
I agree with Julee, it is likely a control issue.
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flute4peace
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Post by flute4peace on Nov 10, 2019 9:57:00 GMT
So is it 30 years or 40 years? And if you didn’t want to lose your friend, why are you refusing to go to her parties or let her husband apologize? What is it you want from this? He wants to apologize. You won’t let him. Obviously you’re not as invested in your friend as you think because it sounds like you won’t be happy until she’s left him and you’re getting therapy paid for by him. I am not going to her parties because I cannot stand to look at him . What kind of person gets hit by someone and then goes to a party at their house. Thats not gonna happen. I will never trust him again for fear I might say something wrong... I won't accept an apology because its never ok to hit someone. Accepting an apology is saying its ok that you hit me. No it isn’t. Forgiveness is NOT condoning the action. Forgiveness is for the offended, not the offender. Frankly, you won’t be able to let this go until you DO forgive him. My aunt forgave the drugged up crazy who killed my cousin. Did it bring me cousin back? Nope. Does she still miss him 30 years later? Every day. Did it condone the action that took him away? Not hardly. Does she still write letters to the court every time he comes up for parole, requesting that his parole be denied? You better believe it! But does she have peace in her heart? She absolutely does. Because she took the steps necessary to find the Grace and forgiveness that she needed in order to move on. What the guy did was shitty, there’s no way around it. A man should never, under any circumstances, be physical with a woman. Period. That’s on him and him alone. But YOU are in charge of the way you’re reacting to him. That’s on you. Please read this link. I won’t c/p it here due to length, but it is excellent and really spells out what forgiveness actually is. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/inviting-monkey-tea/201803/what-is-forgiveness-really?ampI wish you peace.
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Post by purplebee on Nov 10, 2019 12:47:01 GMT
Run....
Away from your "friend" who places you and your well-being very low on her priority list. Away from her assholian Dh (sounds like you have done this, good move on your part). To a therapist to help resolve your trauma.
Sorry this happened to you, sorry for some of the equally assholian replies on this thread. Hope you can get the help you need to overcome the resulting stress and negative feelings. Hugs....
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Post by pattyraindrops on Nov 10, 2019 15:18:26 GMT
Since you asked...I think you are wrong. It was a year ago, he wants to apologize. Was he wrong? Absolutely!!! Were you wrong, partially - you shouldn't have been bringing up the issue when you knew it was a touchy subject but you did NOT deserved to be hit (be it male or female - you didn't deserve it). I think it is time to let it go - a year is a long time to hold a grudge...let him apologize, accept it. Life it too short to continue to hold anger in your heart. I dont know how to let it go. Right now, accepting an apology is not an option for me. I have not come around to any way of thinking that lets an apology make it better. It's like the sinner that goes to church and confesses. They sin, and they confess and they feel better. They keep on sinning. They go to church and get forgiven. An apology might make him feel better but I dont see how it will make me feel better. I dont know how to accept an apology. Even though I did disparage the NRA, since when has that ever been a touchy subject? He could have just said hey, the NRA will be fine and then we would have continued with dinner. If I was lying about the NRA and making shit up he could have excused himself and left. It was all over the news about the NRA and the Russian infiltration and the NRA president taking money.... It was common news at the time. I didn't make anything up. I didn't know it was a trigger for him. That makes a lot of sense as to why you don't want to accept his apology. I've been thinking that you don't find it sincere. Not that it means you must accept it if you do feel it is sincere. For me, there has also long been the awkwardness of how you accept an apology if you are not ready or wanting to forgive. I came up against that when my children were young and how to teach them what to do when their siblings apologized. I finally taught them to just say, "thank you for apologizing". Is this perhaps some of what you are worried about when you think of meeting him? That awkward moment when he apologized, but you are not wanting to forgive either because it was hypocritical or insincere or the action is unworthy of forgiveness? I do think therapy would help, but maybe some role play with a trusted friend would also help so you can figure out how you want to deal with it ahead of time. There are still 5 pages more to read so maybe this has already been talked about. I hope you work whatever needs to be worked out soon for your peace of mind.
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Post by annie on Nov 10, 2019 15:38:19 GMT
I am gobsmacked by this thread!
First, I totally don't blame you for having a hard time getting over it. I know myself, and I know that wouldn't be something that I'd be able to laugh off in a few weeks either.
Second, I don't know how you can maintain this friendship. It's a constant reminder of what he did to you (assault) and how your friend Said Nothing at the time, etc...
You are not crazy.
Finally, to the Peas who think she somewhat brought it upon herself - WTF!!??!
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 10, 2019 18:11:01 GMT
no, but last week she had a significant party and I did not attend. She hasn't talked to me since. She said something a few days before the party that still rings in my mind ... "you won't even let him apologize" ... I know shes mad. shes not talking to me. We always go to dinner once or twice a week and shop together. She has gone radio silent since the last party. this is as far as I have gotten. She is going to be next to her husband. You either need to let him apologize and move or or realize your friendship is never going to be the same and look for new friends.
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 10, 2019 18:20:45 GMT
I can't believe the pile-on that's happening here. The OP had something very traumatic happen to her and people are acting like it's no big deal? It happened to HER, not any of us - we weren't there to see how hard he smashed the burger into her face, and it really doesn't matter anyway. What he did was wrong. He physically attacked her. It has affected her emotionally. She's admitted that she doesn't know why she can't move past it. Damn, offer some support instead of trying to tear her down when she's already at a low point. This! Big time! What is wrong with some of you! My god. OP I would not be friends with someone and go out to eat with her and her spouse if I have to be given a list of topics I had to avoid to "not push their buttons" Classic abuser tatices. "She knows how to push my buttons", "She made me do it", "If she just didn't bring it up" All bull shit. really? I have family and friends who think differently than I do and there are definitely topics we just don't address together.
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 10, 2019 18:27:00 GMT
no. never. how is it too difficult to walk away?? there is a sting song that says: Takes more than combat gear to make a man Takes more than a license for a gun Confront your enemies, avoid them when you can A gentleman will walk but never run
If "Manners maketh man" as someone said Then he's the hero of the day It takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile Be yourself, no matter what they say
not saying YOU are ignorant - i am saying people will disagree but it's the behaviour that defines the person. i would not engage in listening to an apology. hopefully your friendship can withstand this. but for me it would have to be completely and 100% separate from the tool she is married to. and frankly, the fact that she saw the entire awful scene is a positive... there is no way she could possibly spin that or try to rationalize his abhorrent actions. i hope you are okay. xo she did see it all. . she is caught between a rock and a hard place. I think she is disgusted but also cant give up the life she built with him so shes putting this in a place where it doesn't hurt. And every time she has a party and im not there or I start vacuuming if shes at my house and he rings her on the phone..... it reminds her of what he did. I think it might be too much to ask of her to be my friend and still be his wife. Im going to have to let her go because I won't make her choose. good because she wouldn't choose you and you would have that anger to hold too
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Post by PLurker on Nov 10, 2019 19:13:42 GMT
OK, so your title implies that the man hit you, but he didn't. HE ASSAULTED HER... wow. this thread has gone to crazyland. Because there was a object between his hand and her face, he didn't hit her? Does that apply to all objects then making only skin to skin contact a hit? aka that's ridiculous
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Post by PLurker on Nov 10, 2019 19:23:40 GMT
Before you pile on OP, imagine she is your daughter. Think before you speak. This. this. this. and this. It's amazing how opinions change on a subject the closer to home the victim is. It often goes from screw them, they deserved it to exactly the opposite when you care/love the victim. Empathy should kick in long before you and yours are victimized. on this and a huge range of "in the news" subjects these days.
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Post by amom23 on Nov 10, 2019 19:37:30 GMT
This! Big time! What is wrong with some of you! My god. OP I would not be friends with someone and go out to eat with her and her spouse if I have to be given a list of topics I had to avoid to "not push their buttons" Classic abuser tatices. "She knows how to push my buttons", "She made me do it", "If she just didn't bring it up" All bull shit. really? I have family and friends who think differently than I do and there are definitely topics we just don't address together.
Of course we all have family/friends with different opinions and have subjects that we probably avoid, but the difference with the OP is that her friend's DH lost his shit and hit her. I've never been hit before I can't imagine "getting over it" would come to easy for me if ever. I've walked away from friendships over a lot less.
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 10, 2019 19:37:33 GMT
Before you pile on OP, imagine she is your daughter. Think before you speak. This. this. this. and this. It's amazing how opinions change on a subject the closer to home the victim is. It often goes from screw them, they deserved it to exactly the opposite when you care/love the victim. Empathy should kick in long before you and yours are victimized. on this and a huge range of "in the news" subjects these days. I would still tell her she isn't going to win this one the way she wants. Therapy and moving on is what she needs in her future. Holding the anger isn't healthy and her friend is married and intends to stay that way. There is not really anything else. I would also tell my fictional daughter (since I have boys) that there are assholes out there that can't / won't control their anger and to head warnings about hot topics and either avoid the topic, or better yet the person being warned about. Because while I do not believe that it is okay to hit anyone (not just male hitting a female), the reality is that it does happen and I would hope that she would try and keep herself as safe as possible.
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 10, 2019 19:40:16 GMT
really? I have family and friends who think differently than I do and there are definitely topics we just don't address together.
Of course we all have family/friends with different opinions and have subjects that we probably avoid, but the difference with the OP is that her friend's DH lost his shit and hit her. I've never been hit before I can't imagine "getting over it" would come to easy for me if ever. I've walked away from friendships over a lot less.
completely agree, I would have walked away as well. But in general, there are definitely some topics that i just don't broach with some people, not because i am afraid of getting hit, but because both sides think they are right and aren't going to change their minds.
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Post by PLurker on Nov 10, 2019 19:55:30 GMT
This. this. this. and this. It's amazing how opinions change on a subject the closer to home the victim is. It often goes from screw them, they deserved it to exactly the opposite when you care/love the victim. Empathy should kick in long before you and yours are victimized. on this and a huge range of "in the news" subjects these days. I would still tell her she isn't going to win this one the way she wants. Therapy and moving on is what she needs in her future. Holding the anger isn't healthy and her friend is married and intends to stay that way. There is not really anything else. I would also tell my fictional daughter (since I have boys) that there are assholes out there that can't / won't control their anger and to head warnings about hot topics and either avoid the topic, or better yet the person being warned about. Because while I do not believe that it is okay to hit anyone (not just male hitting a female), the reality is that it does happen and I would hope that she would try and keep herself as safe as possible. of course. I was referring to the victim blaming and not the aftercare advice. I also get your other point of avoiding certain subjects with people because you want to avoid the conflict. That is usually done organically and in agreement by everyone. To be "given a list" of subjects sounds more like a list of demands to avoid the wrath- and in this case assault- by one someone is ridiculous. What happens if I/we choose to speak up on a subject normally avoided by a group of friends? Some uncomfortableness follows or maybe even new insight shared. Sure as hell not this. And does everyone get a list of subjects to avoid or is it just the probable to become out of control and/or violent ones that we need to cater to? I wish peace and good outcome for the OP. and to the wife of the douche who probably needs out.
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Post by christine58 on Nov 10, 2019 20:03:32 GMT
wow. this thread has gone to crazyland. Because there was a object between his hand and her face, he didn't hit her? Does that apply to all objects then making only skin to skin contact a hit? aka that's ridiculous Oh I believe she got hit...aka assault..didn't mean to imply otherwise. Guy is a dick.
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Post by katybee on Nov 10, 2019 20:05:42 GMT
what do you think he was holding that hamburger with? his foot? if his skin touched mine, then it's a punch? it was not a fist punch but his hand smashed something violently in my face. If someone ran you over with a car.... can they claim they didn't hit you? Look, I’m on your side. But the reality is you can’t have it both ways. He either smashed a burger in your face which means there was a burger between your face and his hand, or he had a closed fist around a burger and punched you, and therefore a burger wouldn’t be smashed in your face but in his hand. Both are assault. Why does it fucking matter? ![???](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/huh.png) ![???](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/huh.png) ?
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Post by PLurker on Nov 10, 2019 20:07:57 GMT
wow. this thread has gone to crazyland. Because there was a object between his hand and her face, he didn't hit her? Does that apply to all objects then making only skin to skin contact a hit? aka that's ridiculous Oh I believe she got hit...aka assault..didn't mean to imply otherwise. Guy is a dick. exactly. I was agreeing with you and disagreeing with the poster you quoted who said: Aug 2, 2014 at 8:03am RedSquirrel said:
OK, so your title implies that the man hit you, but he didn't.
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Post by katybee on Nov 10, 2019 20:33:19 GMT
spitfiregirl I’m sorry this happened to you. And I’m sorry for some of the backwards-ass replies on this thread. You can’t let this go because you have to think about it every time you see your friend. It keeps it at the forefront of your mind. You sound like you even feel guilty for putting your friend through this—although the guilt is NOT yours! You have some very strong gut instincts about this guy. Trust them. He sounds like a controlling, hot-tempered, misogynistic asshole. Like someone else said, if he REALLY wanted to apologize, he would have found a way. As sad as it is, I would let that friend go. The fact that she did not IMMEDIATELY stand up for you, cared more about his dinner than your feelings, and the fact that she is making YOU responsible for fixing it says a LOT. She’s almost 100% being emotionally/mentally abused if not physically. I would tell her that you love her, and that you will always be there if she needs help (because she very well might someday). But you have no desire to be friends with her husband and you need some distance. And please do do not buy into the BS line that you have to forgive him in order to feel better. There are other ways to find peace.
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Nov 10, 2019 22:55:50 GMT
OK, so your title implies that the man hit you, but he didn't. HE ASSAULTED HER... Subject: is not ever ok for a man to hit a woman? Hitting and assault are not the same thing in law. And if we're going down the legal route then it could be more like aggravated assault. Of course smashing food into someone's face in a public place is completely unacceptable, but the original question was about hitting, and that's not what happened. Many years ago now, I was assaulted. I was hit, multiple times; punched, pushed over, kicked. I was held by my hair and my head smashed into the corner of a wooden table. That is assault. I completely agree that if the OP is not able to get past what happened, then she needs help, and I really hope she gets help. It's horrible having a traumatic event stopping you living the way you want to live, however far in the past.
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Post by PLurker on Nov 11, 2019 0:13:09 GMT
Subject: is not ever ok for a man to hit a woman? Hitting and assault are not the same thing in law. And if we're going down the legal route then it could be more like aggravated assault. Of course smashing food into someone's face in a public place is completely unacceptable, but the original question was about hitting, and that's not what happened. Many years ago now, I was assaulted. I was hit, multiple times; punched, pushed over, kicked. I was held by my hair and my head smashed into the corner of a wooden table. That is assault. I completely agree that if the OP is not able to get past what happened, then she needs help, and I really hope she gets help. It's horrible having a traumatic event stopping you living the way you want to live, however far in the past. Not that "defining" matters But he did hit her. There was an object between his hand and her face but he still hit her. It would be a hit if it was his meal he hit her with, his hand directly or if he was holding another object, even a softer one. Thankfully it wasn't a harder object that caused more damage. Skin to skin or not, she was hit. By him. I'm sorry for your assault. How awful.
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Post by Just T on Nov 11, 2019 0:19:56 GMT
Subject: is not ever ok for a man to hit a woman? Hitting and assault are not the same thing in law. And if we're going down the legal route then it could be more like aggravated assault. Of course smashing food into someone's face in a public place is completely unacceptable, but the original question was about hitting, and that's not what happened. Many years ago now, I was assaulted. I was hit, multiple times; punched, pushed over, kicked. I was held by my hair and my head smashed into the corner of a wooden table. That is assault. I completely agree that if the OP is not able to get past what happened, then she needs help, and I really hope she gets help. It's horrible having a traumatic event stopping you living the way you want to live, however far in the past. First of all, I am so sorry for what you went through. It sounds horrible.
But, there is a but... No one certain thing constitutes assault. How would you feel if someone told you something they went through, and tried to make you feel like since her situation was worse, what you went through was not really an assault because (_______) fill in the blank.
When I was in college, I was sexually assaulted. No, I wasn't raped, only because a friend walked in the room and stopped him. But I was still assaulted. The guy was on top of me, trying to unzip my jeans. Yes, I completely realize it could have been soooo much worse. But, I was still assaulted.
Just because the OP didn't have her hair grabbed and her head slammed into a table does not mean she was not assaulted. She was.
I need to stop reading this thread because some of you are really pissing me off.
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Post by elaine on Nov 11, 2019 0:30:58 GMT
I wish this thread were deleted by admin because I grow more sickened by responses as this goes on. RedSquirrelUK, I am sorry and angry about what happened to you. Truly. And what happened to you has absolutely no bearing on what the OP went through. You, of all people, should know that. I’m sorry that your crappy responses on this thread are causing you to say more horrible things.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2019 1:25:38 GMT
Subject: is not ever ok for a man to hit a woman? Hitting and assault are not the same thing in law. And if we're going down the legal route then it could be more like aggravated assault. Of course smashing food into someone's face in a public place is completely unacceptable, but the original question was about hitting, and that's not what happened.Many years ago now, I was assaulted. I was hit, multiple times; punched, pushed over, kicked. I was held by my hair and my head smashed into the corner of a wooden table. That is assault. I completely agree that if the OP is not able to get past what happened, then she needs help, and I really hope she gets help. It's horrible having a traumatic event stopping you living the way you want to live, however far in the past. There are various definitions of assault under UK law. The word "hitting" as a description is not actually used in law but the act of hitting someone is classed as common assault-battery. You can "hit" with whatever object you care to use be it a naked hand or with a burger, as in this case. No injury needs to have been sustained. Examples of common assault-battery are spitting, pushing or slapping. It is an offence under UK law. Whether it's an offence under US law I don't know. Maybe someone else can clarify. A better description of what happened to you would be Assault occasioning actual bodily harm. Which means the suspect unlawfully assaulted another person causing them actual bodily harm. I'm sorry you went through what you did. OP. I'm sorry this happened to you and I can understand how difficult it would be to try and move on. I think the only way to do so would be to break the friendship up with the wife. As others have said, it's a constant reminder of what happened. I hope you can get some closure and peace by seeing a counsellor. to help you to move forward. Take care.
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Post by sabrinae on Nov 11, 2019 1:32:20 GMT
I don't care if she told him he was a cocksucker. He didn't have the right to put his hands on her. EVER. Some of the responses here are WILD. It's pretty easy to roll in on pg. 4.5 with your opinion based on all the information laid out for you - information that we've had to eke out in bits and pieces. Then, we've had to swim through the hyperbole and hysteria to get to what truly happened - and it was NOT what was posted in either the thread title (which had enough of a grammatical error to throw the whole thing) or the OP - which was in itself confusing and mis-representative of the actual event. So, yeah. I’ve read it all and I’m still disgusted by some of the responses. It doesn’t matter what someone says, it’s not acceptable to hit them because you don’t like what they said. Whether he hit her or shoved a hamburger in her face, it’s assault. I wish she would have pursued prosecution. It is never someone else’s responsibility to censor what they say to avoid being physically assaulted. That’s always on the person doing the assaulting. My kids understand that concept, I don’t know why it’s so hard for some adults here to understand. I would have filed charges and been done with the relationship. She wasn’t. Different people deal differently, especially if they e never been the target of violence like that.
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Post by pjaye on Nov 11, 2019 1:34:15 GMT
And please do do not buy into the BS line that you have to forgive him in order to feel better. So true! I hate that crap, it's normal to be angry at him because he did something to you that is worth being angry about, at some point you'll probably stop being angry...or maybe you won't be, and that's fine too. If that anger is affecting your daily life then it's probably wise to get help so that isn't the case. "Forgiving" him if you don't truly feel it will be useless and just one of those bullshit things people repeat that has no value at all. You should work on moving on so it doesn't affect you daily, but that is not the same thing at all as "forgiving" him. Many years ago now, I was assaulted. I was hit, multiple times; punched, pushed over, kicked. I was held by my hair and my head smashed into the corner of a wooden table. That is assault. No it isn't that cut and dried. That is the assault that happened to YOU. Not everyone has to have the exact same thing happen to them for it to qualify. What happened to the OP is also an assault, it may have been different to yours, it wasn't as prolonged as yours, but to claim it was not assault is just flat out wrong. Similarly there are lots of women who have probably been assaulted FAR worse than you were - how would you feel if your attack was invalidated because something worse happened to someone else? Will you feel any less assaulted if someone else comes along and posts she was in the hospital for 3 months and her ex-husband is now in jail for attempted murder? It's not a competition, no-one is going to win the "most assaulted" prize of the day. Stop being so petty. I'd expect someone who went through what you did to be more supportive and not less, because you've seen first hand that men like that don't stop - they escalate. You need to get out of the dark ages with that attitude, it's men, but also women like you who contribute to the ongoing oppression and the idea that there are degrees of the violence that men can inflict on women...and there are not. None of it is ever acceptable, it is all wrong and it is all assault.
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Post by sabrinae on Nov 11, 2019 1:36:27 GMT
this is such bullshit. its my fault? I had no idea I could not say one sentence about the NRA... and the other sentence about trump was something positive so your argument is wrong NRA members don't typically view the banning of bump stocks or anything that infringes on their right to bear arms. Knowing his extreme stances, you knew this wasn't really positive. This is bullshit. It’s not her responsibility to measure her works to not be assaulted. It’s his responsibility to control his own actions. Some of you amaze me, and not in a good way.
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Post by sabrinae on Nov 11, 2019 1:46:08 GMT
This! Big time! What is wrong with some of you! My god. OP I would not be friends with someone and go out to eat with her and her spouse if I have to be given a list of topics I had to avoid to "not push their buttons" Classic abuser tatices. "She knows how to push my buttons", "She made me do it", "If she just didn't bring it up" All bull shit. really? I have family and friends who think differently than I do and there are definitely topics we just don't address together. I think you know that’s different then someone assaulting you based on what’s said.
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Post by sabrinae on Nov 11, 2019 1:50:02 GMT
Subject: is not ever ok for a man to hit a woman? Hitting and assault are not the same thing in law. And if we're going down the legal route then it could be more like aggravated assault. Of course smashing food into someone's face in a public place is completely unacceptable, but the original question was about hitting, and that's not what happened. Many years ago now, I was assaulted. I was hit, multiple times; punched, pushed over, kicked. I was held by my hair and my head smashed into the corner of a wooden table. That is assault. I completely agree that if the OP is not able to get past what happened, then she needs help, and I really hope she gets help. It's horrible having a traumatic event stopping you living the way you want to live, however far in the past. It is an assault. Technically any unwanted physical touching is an assault. Smashing a burger in someone’s face is assault in any jurisdiction. It doesn’t take multiple hits. It doesn’t take anything other than what this jackass did.
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Post by spitfiregirl on Nov 11, 2019 1:51:20 GMT
the police said it was battery... here is the definition and this is what they would have charged him with. Wife would be only witness that I knew of.... I could not make her testify against her husband and most likely she would not have. I do not know if any waiters or customers saw it. I was in shock at the time... Police would have went to restaurant and interviews people...
What is the legal definition of battery? Definition. 1. In criminal law, this is a physical act that results in harmful or offensive contact with another person without that person's consent. 2. In tort law, the intentional causation of harmful or offensive contact with another's person without that person's consent.
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