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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Dec 30, 2019 5:49:04 GMT
Even if buying a class ring is an A&M thing, she really won’t be wearing it 5 years past graduation. The only people I have seen who wear college rings into adulthood are men who attended one of the three military academies Aggies are an exception to that. I know Aggies who still wear their rings and are in their 60's. The ring ceremony is really that big of a deal at A&M. tell your mom you need the pearls' receipt due to insurance listings.. then your dd can return it. Odds are that mom probably used a credit or debit card to pay for the jewelry. In that case, the money will be returned to that card and not given as cash. Then DD would be out the pearls and no money to show for them.
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Post by houstonsandy on Dec 30, 2019 6:03:03 GMT
I was going to guess she was an Aggie. Almost all Aggie’s wear their ring. It is a huge deal to get one. Get the receipt and return the pearls. Buy the luggage at tjmaxx Can she call her dad ask for money to help? She won’t even talk to her dad at this point... after we divorced he married the undocumented/illegal 26 year old Honduran mother of two kids under the age of 7 STRIPPER he was seeing before we split because he was bored at home alone and is already over $30,000 in debt which is why he can’t contribute anything for her expenses. Yes... not making this up... the 64 year old disabled man in a wheelchair found true love with an illegal 26 yo stripper.
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Post by nlwilkins on Dec 30, 2019 6:26:49 GMT
I will validate the Aggie ring. Yes she will be wearing that five years from now. It is what Aggies do. But, I will also say the pearls should not go back. They were a gift your mother wanted your daughter to have. A little more than perhaps most women's pearls, but a staple in many jewelry boxes.
What your mother gives your daughter does not have to be what you suggested. It bugs you because you see your brother's meddling in the choice of gifts. But, personally, I would not have given cash myself. Your daughter's decisions regarding studying abroad and purchasing the ring at this time is just that, her decision. It is not your mother's responsibility to finance those decisions. Though it would be nice if she would help out. Is it at all possible that your mother can help your daughter out without it being a Christmas present? Perhaps an ealry graduation gift? Also, could your daughter wait for the senior ring? Some have to wait until after graduation even to get their ring. Not ideal, but sometimes necessary.
I guess what I am getting at is the feeling I have that the two of you are living under a reduced budget, but still wanting to spend like it was before. Your daughter is making decisions that are not supported by the income and budget you are living with. You were hoping your mother would help out, but your brother has stopped that. It's hard, I know cause we had to do without for so long. I did not get my ring at all (I went to Mary Harding Baylor and was not able to afford the ring which I would be wearing today if I had one. Study abroad or even graduate work had to wait decades until we could afford it.)
Also, you know by now how your brother will act. You need to determine if you are going to allow him to yank your strings for the rest of your life or are you going to live your own life. You need to talk to your mother since talking to your brother has caused a major ruckus in the past. She is an adult and needs to acknowledge his influence on her actions. You cannot blame your brother for actions your mother takes. She is responsible for them.
(Don't fault your mother for not wanting to leave home for a few days. Many elderly ladies are that way. They just are not comfortable doing that and it will never happen. My MIL was like that and nothing could change it.)
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Post by houstonsandy on Dec 30, 2019 6:58:48 GMT
Her study abroad semester is actually a requirement for her major, not an option, and it must be done the fall semester of her 5th year. Her whole class will be studying in Germany next fall. Fortunately her tuition is fully covered by a Pell grant and scholarships.
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Post by calgaryscrapper on Dec 30, 2019 8:18:32 GMT
What does your Daughter want to do with the necklace?
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Post by nlwilkins on Dec 30, 2019 8:54:06 GMT
Her study abroad semester is actually a requirement for her major, not an option, and it must be done the fall semester of her 5th year. Her whole class will be studying in Germany next fall. Fortunately her tuition is fully covered by a Pell grant and scholarships.
Wow, cool! What an experience she will have! So not an extravagance after all.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,023
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Dec 30, 2019 9:16:26 GMT
No idea how you would go about this but can you use the pearls as collateral for a loan?
I would only go see your mother if that is what you want to do, don't ask how high when your brother tells you to jump. He has control because you give it to him. Arrange a girly trip, meal, cinema whatever, with your mum on your timetable not his.
If he wants to throw his toys out of the pram let him. Honestly what would you be losing if he wasn't up in your business? His feelings about how he perceives he was treated is between him and your mum and for them to resolve.
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Dec 30, 2019 9:56:11 GMT
What is your daughter planning on contributing toward the things she wants?
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Post by AussieMeg on Dec 30, 2019 11:46:10 GMT
I am sorry your brother is an ass. I will be honest though - you gave your mom a gift suggestion and she didn't use it. While in a perfect world she would have given your DD what she needed, she didnt and your post comes across as ungrateful. It isn't up to your mom to fund anything for anyone. Your DD Is the one taking the trip, wanting a ring (Which, I get it - its a big deal). But to expect any one else to be forced to give towards those items is just wrong. Even if she has the money, she owes no one anything. This is where I'm sitting on this one.
A gift is not about what you want, it's about what the giver wants to give you. Grandma is not obligated to give cash just because that is what is requested. Huh? This response does not make sense to me. At all. Grandma ASKED what to get the DD for Christmas. Why bother asking if you're not going to get the person what they want? Do you think it's better that grandma wasted money on pearls (PEARLS?!?!) for a girl in her early 20s? I'm glad that my parents or in-laws didn't waste THREE GRAND on pearls for my daughter's graduation (ETA: or Christmas) - she'd never in a million years wear pearls. Never. OP, I don't think you came across as ungrateful at all. And your brother is a dick.
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uksue
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,531
Location: London
Jun 25, 2014 22:33:20 GMT
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Post by uksue on Dec 30, 2019 12:02:15 GMT
Did your insurance pay to replace your luggage?
My sister runs the show with my dad- to the point all I get is hate mail now and I haven’t seen him in over 15 yrs, didn’t see my mum for years before strap died . I know how hard it is to deal with this sort of thing- I also live about 90 mins away and my sister lives on his doorstep. I’ve had to cut them both out of my life to get rid of the toxicity- I know longer read his vicious letters but of course he’s cut my children off as well, and delights in letting them know bus favrbook how much he dyes for my sisters kids.
Can you have a straight talk to your mother about how unfair it is that he makes all the decisions? I’d be selling those pearls - do her age group even wear pearl necklaces now? She could keep and wear the studs so it’s less obvious .
I just wanted to add- the 3rd year of my daughter’s English/Spanish law degree was spent at Uni in Spain . She had the time of her life- absolutely loved it! She came back to UK for her 4th year and missed Spain so much!
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Why
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,168
Jun 26, 2014 4:03:09 GMT
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Post by Why on Dec 30, 2019 12:17:34 GMT
Family stuff can be so stressful. I just wanted to say I don't see anyone under 50 or 60 wearing pearls. I am older than that and I don't even like them. They scream 1950's to me so that may be why I think that.
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Post by peasapie on Dec 30, 2019 12:26:24 GMT
Sell the pearls on the RealReal. I recently sold a ring and a fur coat from my mom there and have an extra $1,000 in my pocket to show for it.
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christinec68
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,384
Location: New York, NY
Jun 26, 2014 18:02:19 GMT
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Post by christinec68 on Dec 30, 2019 13:14:59 GMT
I think the issue with the pearls is that, not only did the mother ask what the OP’s daughter would like and went in a completely opposite direction but she specially didn’t get them bc the OP’s brother said not to because he doesn’t like giving cash gifts.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Dec 30, 2019 13:17:18 GMT
I wanted to add that, apart from my engagement and wedding rings, the only consistent piece of jewelry that I have worn for the 35 years I’ve had them is the string of pearls my grandmother gave to me when I turned 21. Pearls are appropriate at many dressy occasions and they are never too bling-y. I love my pearls. Other necklaces have come and gone from my wardrobe, but I’d never give up my pearls. I'm a sentimental pearl lover, too. My parents gifted me a necklace and earrings for high school graduation. I wear the necklace still. In fact, I recently wore it for a son's wedding in October. That said, I'm sorry that the pearls gifted to your daughter feel more like a betrayal than a present. I agree with the statement that you're madder at feeling it's your brother's interference and control more than anything else. I understand wanting to maintain a relationship with him, but if that relationship causes you so much grief, you may want to seriously consider if it's worth it. Your daughter's study abroad opportunity sounds amazing!
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Dec 30, 2019 13:22:30 GMT
Why does your brother have to be around when you visit your mother? Can’t you spend the day with her without him being there?
If I wanted to visit my mother, I’d go down and take her out to lunch or to walk around a park or something. I wouldn’t subject myself to him when I wanted to visit my mom.
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Post by disneypal on Dec 30, 2019 13:31:12 GMT
I'm sorry, I can understand why your brother gets under your skin. Even though he suggested the gift of pearls, it was ultimately your mother's decision on what to give your DD, so you can't entirely blame him for that.
I'm sorry your DD didn't get the money she wanted for her ring/trip. I know you said her dad doesn't really help you financially, but could your DD ask him to buy her the ring, as her graduation gift?
For luggage, check Goodwill. A few years ago, I needed some luggage and found a set that looked brand new! I have really gotten a lot of use out of it.
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Post by jackie on Dec 30, 2019 13:42:54 GMT
This is where I'm sitting on this one.
A gift is not about what you want, it's about what the giver wants to give you. Grandma is not obligated to give cash just because that is what is requested. Huh? This response does not make sense to me. At all. Grandma ASKED what to get the DD for Christmas. Why bother asking if you're not going to get the person what they want? Do you think it's better that grandma wasted money on pearls (PEARLS?!?!) for a girl in her early 20s? I'm glad that my parents or in-laws didn't waste THREE GRAND on pearls for my daughter's graduation (ETA: or Christmas) - she'd never in a million years wear pearls. Never. OP, I don't think you came across as ungrateful at all. And your brother is a dick. Completely agree with Meg. This is her own mother, her dd’s grandma, who specifically ASKED what to get her granddaughter. In my family, we try to do right by one another and I simply do not see doing that and wanting that as being ungrateful. To be specifically asked what to give and then to provide a hard-working, struggling college student a gift of such complete and utter impracticality is nonsensical. If I’m giving a gift of great value I wouldn’t want it to be something unneeded and unwanted. I’m always a grateful and appreciative person, but this would be something that would bother me greatly as well. Grandma sounds like she might be a bit out of touch and someone who has been unduly influenced. In my family, I would be having a tactful but honest conversation with my mother and see if we could rectify this.
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Post by elaine on Dec 30, 2019 14:22:28 GMT
I wanted to add that, apart from my engagement and wedding rings, the only consistent piece of jewelry that I have worn for the 35 years I’ve had them is the string of pearls my grandmother gave to me when I turned 21. Pearls are appropriate at many dressy occasions and they are never too bling-y. I love my pearls. Other necklaces have come and gone from my wardrobe, but I’d never give up my pearls. Does that make you a pearl clutcher? Just kidding. Kidding kidding. I couldn’t help myself. Most definitely!
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Post by Florida Cindy on Dec 30, 2019 14:30:52 GMT
One thing Marie Kondo said "Giving is for the GIVER, not the receiver." Your Mother gave pearls because it made her feel good. Your brother doesnt give money because it makes him feel good . The class ring, luggage and semester abroad is your daughters responsibility, not your responsibility. Your daughter needs to figure out her financial situation and work it out. Why are you hosting others as it costs you more money?
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Nanner
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,987
Jun 25, 2014 23:13:23 GMT
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Post by Nanner on Dec 30, 2019 15:37:18 GMT
I wanted to add that, apart from my engagement and wedding rings, the only consistent piece of jewelry that I have worn for the 35 years I’ve had them is the string of pearls my grandmother gave to me when I turned 21. Pearls are appropriate at many dressy occasions and they are never too bling-y. I love my pearls. Other necklaces have come and gone from my wardrobe, but I’d never give up my pearls. A string of pearls is probably the versatile piece of jewellery to have. Mine were a gift from my ex-husband. I DID give mine up - I gave them to DD a couple of years ago because she had been telling me she'd like a set of pearls because they are perfect for everything and she loves how they look. I felt she should have them because they came from her father and he died years ago.
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Post by grammadee on Dec 30, 2019 15:37:28 GMT
Buy cheap but decent luggage somewhere. I found a really nice set at a Yardsale. I don’t think I’d have her return or pawn the stuff. Tell her to find another way to get the money. Maybe even borrow it from grandma? Be honest with your mother. Have dd ask her during your visit for a LOAN for the ring and for the study abroad expenses. Bite the bullet and distract your brother while your the two of them talk. Your mom may say no, promise to provide her with a monthly stipend while away, or she may decide to outright gift the money to her: that is up to her. Those pearls are a valuable gift from her grandmother and I think your dd will appreciate them more in years to come. I would NOT sell or pawn them. BTW, houstonsandy, if they are worth $3000, can they be used for collateral for a personal loan? They would be in safe keeping in the bank until the loan is paid off, and your dd would have the cash she needs.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 30, 2019 15:51:07 GMT
One thing Marie Kondo said "Giving is for the GIVER, not the receiver." Your Mother gave pearls because it made her feel good. Your brother doesnt give money because it makes him feel good . The class ring, luggage and semester abroad is your daughters responsibility, not your responsibility. Your daughter needs to figure out her financial situation and work it out. Why are you hosting others as it costs you more money?RE: bolded above. They are exchange students she is hosting, she *makes* extra money giving those kids a place to live while they are in school here. They come with funds to cover all of their own expenses while they are in the U.S.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 30, 2019 15:59:00 GMT
Several people have asked if the pearls could be used as loan collateral and as a former consumer loan processor, I wouldn’t think that would be an option. Typically collateral is something titled, like a house or a vehicle (car, truck, boat, etc.) where ownership is specifically assigned. To use jewelry as loan collateral you’d have to go to a pawn shop which was what I think the OP was considering. The pawn shop holds the jewelry on their premises locked up as collateral and if the person never repays their loan, the shop is free to sell the jewelry to recoup the loaned funds.
Typically, the borrower doesn’t get anything close to the actual value of the item doing it that way, and would be better off selling it outright to a private party for closer to it’s appraised value.
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Post by NanaKate on Dec 30, 2019 15:59:27 GMT
This is where I'm sitting on this one.
A gift is not about what you want, it's about what the giver wants to give you. Grandma is not obligated to give cash just because that is what is requested. Huh? This response does not make sense to me. At all. Grandma ASKED what to get the DD for Christmas. Why bother asking if you're not going to get the person what they want? Do you think it's better that grandma wasted money on pearls (PEARLS?!?!) for a girl in her early 20s? I'm glad that my parents or in-laws didn't waste THREE GRAND on pearls for my daughter's graduation (ETA: or Christmas) - she'd never in a million years wear pearls. Never. OP, I don't think you came across as ungrateful at all. And your brother is a dick. I agree 100%! I have a granddaughter (16 and a junior in high school) and there’s no way I would have given her pearls for Christmas this year under these circumstances. Grandmother ASKED for gift idea and knew what DGD’s needs are at this time. Money is no object for this lady. Under these circumstances I would do whatever I could to help my granddaughter achieve her goals and meet her current needs and save the pearls for a graduation or wedding gift.
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Post by freecharlie on Dec 30, 2019 16:02:32 GMT
Yes your brother is an ass
You can get decent luggage at TJ max or Ross or something for pretty cheap. Macy's has great deals now and then on luggage, at least 2x per year.
If the ring is such a big deal, why isn't there some sort of saving that had been happening since she was admitted to the school?
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Post by femalebusiness on Dec 30, 2019 16:13:23 GMT
I am sorry your brother is an ass. I will be honest though - you gave your mom a gift suggestion and she didn't use it. While in a perfect world she would have given your DD what she needed, she didnt and your post comes across as ungrateful. It isn't up to your mom to fund anything for anyone. Your DD Is the one taking the trip, wanting a ring (Which, I get it - its a big deal). But to expect any one else to be forced to give towards those items is just wrong. Even if she has the money, she owes no one anything. This. And in addition when someone gives you a gift it is yours to do what you want to with it. Sell the pearls. Your mother and brother are not worried about pissing you off so stop worrying about what they think. Sounds like you are never going to please them (or at least your brother anyway) so stop trying.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 30, 2019 16:15:59 GMT
I am sorry your brother is an ass. I will be honest though - you gave your mom a gift suggestion and she didn't use it. While in a perfect world she would have given your DD what she needed, she didnt and your post comes across as ungrateful. It isn't up to your mom to fund anything for anyone. Your DD Is the one taking the trip, wanting a ring (Which, I get it - its a big deal). But to expect any one else to be forced to give towards those items is just wrong. Even if she has the money, she owes no one anything. IMO it has nothing to do with gratitude and everything to do with practicality. My MIL used to give us all kinds of stuff that was totally not practical for us. While we were grateful for the gesture that those gifts represented (and she was always, ALWAYS thanked both in person and with a written note after the fact), we really wished that she would have listened to the suggestions she had specifically ASKED FOR and gave us things we truly needed and could have used. FWIW I agree with you that grandma doesn’t owe anyone anything, my MIL didn’t either. But it’s really, really frustrating when someone is asking you what you need and they end up spending money on things you can’t even use. (Especially if they give you no option to return it or exchange it for something more suitable. I’m talking asked for a computer keyboard I needed and got sweaters that were three sizes too small bought online from a place where they couldn’t be returned.) If she’s not going to give the kid what she says she needs or wants, then why even ask?
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Post by houstonsandy on Dec 30, 2019 16:16:42 GMT
Why are you hosting others as it costs you more money? Because I get paid $3800.00 a month to do so...it’s my major source of income
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Post by houstonsandy on Dec 30, 2019 16:17:04 GMT
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Post by houstonsandy on Dec 30, 2019 16:27:30 GMT
If the ring is such a big deal, why isn't there some sort of saving that had been happening since she was admitted to the school? Mostly because in the past three years my life has been turned upside down more than once.
I lost my house and everything in it to a fire. The stress of rebuilding and starting over destroyed my marriage. I got divorced after 38 years of marriage and my ex is of no help because he decided to marry a 26 yo STRIPPER and got himself over $30,000 in debt.
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