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Post by annie on Dec 30, 2019 16:31:09 GMT
Why are you hosting others as it costs you more money? Because I get paid $3800.00 a month to do so...it’s my major source of income Wow! That's a lot!
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Post by elaine on Dec 30, 2019 16:37:35 GMT
I’m somewhat amused by the number of people who are upset by the fact the Mom didn’t give cash as a present.
How many *lengthy* threads have we had over the past 18 years I’ve been a pea where the majority of peas claim that they would never give cash or gift cards because it was impersonal and tacky?
If the OP knows that brother won’t give cash and supervises/influences mom, why ask for cash at all? Why not ask for luggage or something else concrete, if that is also a need?
I, personally, think selling the pearls for much less than they are worth is short-sighted, but if that is what the daughter wants to do, that is what she should do with her gift.
I agree with the others that no one should be expected to fund something that the daughter wants. A gift suggestion is just that, a suggestion. It isn’t a contract or a mandate. The brother, and maybe the mother, could very well subscribe to the pea sentiment that giving cash is tacky. Buying someone pearls is very different than buying sweaters that are too small to wear.
I just looked at the Aggie Ring website - I was trying to see if one could buy a gift certificate towards a ring, but apparently not - and there are loans and scholarships available through the alumni association to buy the things. It sounds as if the daughter might qualify to apply for either.
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Post by ajsweetpea on Dec 30, 2019 16:43:35 GMT
I'm so sorry. I can understand the disappointment. Maybe for luggage, check a secondhand shop. I was able to pick up a rolling suitcase for my daughter (she generally has an overnight band trip a few times a year) for $12 at one and it is in excellent condition and looks like it was barely used. I think so many people are using the Marie Kondo method in their homes that the secondhand stores are filled with treasures right now. Or check a local Tag Sale group on Facebook.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 21:29:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2019 16:48:44 GMT
I get what some are saying, that a gifter is under no obligation to give a giftee a specific gift. However, it seems like a bit of a rub when the gifter is the grandmother who knows that her DD and DGD are struggling financially and who specifically asked what she could give, shows up with $3000 pearls and instructions to insure them. Sure it’s still a generous gift, but to tell them to spend money she knows they can’t spare to insure jewelry they didn’t want or ask for is just in very poor taste.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Dec 30, 2019 16:49:46 GMT
A string of pearls is probably the versatile piece of jewellery to have. Mine were a gift from my ex-husband. I DID give mine up - I gave them to DD a couple of years ago because she had been telling me she'd like a set of pearls because they are perfect for everything and she loves how they look. I felt she should have them because they came from her father and he died years ago. I agree. While they are not heirloom, that doesn't mean that they can't be YOUR dd's heirloom someday. My grandmother gave me these, etc. Many young adults wear pearls these days. It's traditional, trendy, mixing with other jewelry pieces. I think if she can't afford the things you mentioned, then she needs to decide what is ultimately the most important thing to her. Getting the ring would be low on my list. Yes, it sounds like it's a big deal. But it doesn't have to be. If it's something she really really wants, it can be something she saves up for. Sometimes we just can't get what we want at the moment. That's being an adult.
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anaterra
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,082
Location: Texas
Jun 29, 2014 3:04:02 GMT
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Post by anaterra on Dec 30, 2019 17:03:12 GMT
It does suck!!!! And your brother is an ASS!!!
And your mom is not ok for allowing it!!!
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Post by freecharlie on Dec 30, 2019 17:12:53 GMT
If the ring is such a big deal, why isn't there some sort of saving that had been happening since she was admitted to the school? Mostly because in the past three years my life has been turned upside down more than once.
I lost my house and everything in it to a fire. The stress of rebuilding and starting over destroyed my marriage. I got divorced after 38 years of marriage and my ex is of no help because he decided to marry a 26 yo STRIPPER and got himself over $30,000 in debt.
apologies. I meant the daughter, not you
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peppermintpatty
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1345
Posts: 3,947
Jun 26, 2014 17:47:08 GMT
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Post by peppermintpatty on Dec 30, 2019 17:17:43 GMT
I am sorry your brother is an ass. I will be honest though - you gave your mom a gift suggestion and she didn't use it. While in a perfect world she would have given your DD what she needed, she didnt and your post comes across as ungrateful. It isn't up to your mom to fund anything for anyone. Your DD Is the one taking the trip, wanting a ring (Which, I get it - its a big deal). But to expect any one else to be forced to give towards those items is just wrong. Even if she has the money, she owes no one anything. Wow! I do not agree with your reasoning AT ALL!
1. If your mom and brother decided they wanted to get your DD a string of pearls worth all that money and they KNOW how tight money is for you then THEY should be insuring it, not you. 2. If your dd doesn't want the pearls then I would ask for the receipt (you would need at least a copy to be able to insure them) and then simply return them. Pearls are not a must have item for girls. They used to be popular but seriously, my dd wouldn't ever wear a strand. Nor would I and I do wear a lot of jewelry. 3. My mother always asks the grandkids what they want. If they don't tell her within a reasonable amount of time, she gives them cash. They are all happy with that and my mom is totally fine with letting them buy whatever they want. 4. Your brother sounds like an ass.
5. Your family knows what you went through so to be honest, they should be listening to you. If your mom had no intention of giving your dd the cash, she shouldn't have asked. To be honest, it sounds like your brother stepped in and took over the situation. I would talk to your mom, privately and tell her that while you appreciate the gesture, there are so many other things your dd wants and needs right now. If she still wants to get your dd pearls, then she can buy them in a few years.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 21:29:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2019 17:21:03 GMT
There are a few aggies on this board, maybe one of their alumni groups could help?
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PrettyInPeank
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,691
Jun 25, 2014 21:31:58 GMT
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Dec 30, 2019 17:27:02 GMT
I get what some are saying, that a gifter is under no obligation to give a giftee a specific gift. However, it seems like a bit of a rub when the gifter is the grandmother who knows that her DD and DGD are struggling financially and who specifically asked what she could give, shows up with $3000 pearls and instructions to insure them. Sure it’s still a generous gift, but to tell them to spend money she knows they can’t spare to insure jewelry they didn’t want or ask for is just in very poor taste. I wondering if this was Grandma’s way of snubbing the son? “Mom don’t give cash! Especially for a class ring! $600 that won’t be used past graduation. What a waste.” “You’re right son, I’ll go buy her some $3,000 pearls instead. She can wear them at graduation and for many years to come.” Son: 😳
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Post by shessoaverage on Dec 30, 2019 17:38:36 GMT
houstonsandy, no practical advice, but a virtual hug. Your stressful life events rating is off the scale. Houses fire - huge stress. The kind of betrayal dealt to you by your (a$$wipe) ex can cause PTSD that takes up to five years to recover from. Financial issues - big stress event.
You are doing your best. Stay strong!
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Post by houstonsandy on Dec 30, 2019 17:44:24 GMT
The school has been so generous over the past three years with the grants and department scholarships to cover her tuition...I feel a little guilty asking for more help (via the ring scholarships) to be honest. DD has some money saved from her jobs last semester that she set aside for her Germany semester. She can pull from there and just start saving more this semester or check out the ring loan option. There won't be any apartment rent or car expenses for Aug to December while she is gone, so that will help my finances for sure in the fall.
My mom usually does give money for gifting occasions since her shopping options where she lives are limited. Walmart and HEB are the only options....This was totally due my brother's influence. It just feels like he did it to get a jab in on me.
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Post by houstonsandy on Dec 30, 2019 17:52:16 GMT
houstonsandy, no practical advice, but a virtual hug. Your stressful life events rating is off the scale. Houses fire - huge stress. The kind of betrayal dealt to you by your (a$$wipe) ex can cause PTSD that takes up to five years to recover from. Financial issues - big stress event. You are doing your best. Stay strong! Thank you for that.
This is not what I saw my future looking like at this stage in my life. All my friends keep telling me how much they admire my strength.
On the outside I may seem strong but on the inside I am a wreck.
But I keep going...what choice do I have? lol.... Whenever it gets really bad God seems to step in and gives me just enough to carry on until the next crisis.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 30, 2019 17:57:28 GMT
houstonsandy, no practical advice, but a virtual hug. Your stressful life events rating is off the scale. Houses fire - huge stress. The kind of betrayal dealt to you by your (a$$wipe) ex can cause PTSD that takes up to five years to recover from. Financial issues - big stress event. You are doing your best. Stay strong! Thank you for that.
This is not what I saw my future looking like at this stage in my life. All my friends keep telling me how much they admire my strength.
On the outside I may seem strong but on the inside I am a wreck.
But I keep going...what choice do I have? lol.... Whenever it gets really bad God seems to step in and gives me just enough to carry on until the next crisis. You are stronger than you know! Keep on keeping on and know I’m sending positive thoughts your way that everything will work out for you and your kids. Hang in there.
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Post by jubejubes on Dec 30, 2019 18:11:24 GMT
houstonsandy, no practical advice, but a virtual hug. Your stressful life events rating is off the scale. Houses fire - huge stress. The kind of betrayal dealt to you by your (a$$wipe) ex can cause PTSD that takes up to five years to recover from. Financial issues - big stress event. You are doing your best. Stay strong! Thank you for that.
This is not what I saw my future looking like at this stage in my life. All my friends keep telling me how much they admire my strength.
On the outside I may seem strong but on the inside I am a wreck.
But I keep going...what choice do I have? lol.... Whenever it gets really bad God seems to step in and gives me just enough to carry on until the next crisis.
You have been under a lot of stress also adding into your job and the unrealistic boss that you have. The loss of your home and the divorce will take longer than the 5 years someone else quoted above to resolve. I really hope that you are in therapy of some kind as PTSD is nasty and bites when you least expect it. The grants at the university are there to be used. Apply for all of them! That is what they are there for. Your dd should have been putting aside some money for her ring, as this is a big deal for her, but everyone handles their finances as they choose to do. Your choice is to continue to live, with all the bumps and lumps, highs and lows, laughter and sadness that every person goes through. Luggage is not a big deal, as most people try to travel with as little as they can. Possibly your dd can purchase stuff like a hair dryer, curling iron and other stuff in Germany and then leave it there after the semester.
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Dec 30, 2019 18:58:28 GMT
Yes your brother is an ass You can get decent luggage at TJ max or Ross or something for pretty cheap. Macy's has great deals now and then on luggage, at least 2x per year. If the ring is such a big deal, why isn't there some sort of saving that had been happening since she was admitted to the school? And why are all the other adults expected to pay for the adult daughter's wants while she apparently contributes little or nothing? I'd be more irritated that my adult daughter doesn't seem interested in helping fund her own ring or semester abroad than my mother's very generous gift. Why do you need "nice" luggage? I traveled the world with a set of bags that cost me about $100 at Macy's.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 21:29:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2019 19:03:41 GMT
The school has been so generous over the past three years with the grants and department scholarships to cover her tuition...I feel a little guilty asking for more help (via the ring scholarships) to be honest. DD has some money saved from her jobs last semester that she set aside for her Germany semester. She can pull from there and just start saving more this semester or check out the ring loan option. There won't be any apartment rent or car expenses for Aug to December while she is gone, so that will help my finances for sure in the fall.
My mom usually does give money for gifting occasions since her shopping options where she lives are limited. Walmart and HEB are the only options....This was totally due my brother's influence. It just feels like he did it to get a jab in on me.
I just wonder if she could find an aggie who doesn’t have someone to pass their ring to? And doing that semester abroad is so expensive it is hard to save I bet, go to school, and work.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 21:29:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2019 19:06:14 GMT
Yes your brother is an ass You can get decent luggage at TJ max or Ross or something for pretty cheap. Macy's has great deals now and then on luggage, at least 2x per year. If the ring is such a big deal, why isn't there some sort of saving that had been happening since she was admitted to the school? And why are all the other adults expected to pay for the adult daughter's wants while she apparently contributes little or nothing? I'd be more irritated that my adult daughter doesn't seem interested in helping fund her own ring or semester abroad than my mother's very generous gift. Why do you need "nice" luggage? I traveled the world with a set of bags that cost me about $100 at Macy's. Daughter works 2 jobs and goes to school.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Dec 30, 2019 19:12:47 GMT
One of my mother's sisters behaved far worse than the OP's brother, so I know how frustrating it is. My sympathies.
Seems to me your dd is in a want vs need situation.
She doesn't need nice luggage. At this point in her life, she needs good enough luggage. Good enough luggage will last for several years. By the time it wears out, she will hopefully have gotten a well-paying job with her Aggie degree and can spend tons of money on luggage.
She doesn't need a ring. She wants a ring. At this point in your lives unfortunately, needs beats wants. Unfortunate, but true. I'd be encouraging her to suck it up and move along.
As far as the pearl necklace, I would be telling my mother (or my dd would) that she doesn't have the money to insure the pearls. Just say that and leave the sentence laying there.
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Post by myshelly on Dec 30, 2019 19:14:37 GMT
Yes your brother is an ass You can get decent luggage at TJ max or Ross or something for pretty cheap. Macy's has great deals now and then on luggage, at least 2x per year. If the ring is such a big deal, why isn't there some sort of saving that had been happening since she was admitted to the school? And why are all the other adults expected to pay for the adult daughter's wants while she apparently contributes little or nothing? I'd be more irritated that my adult daughter doesn't seem interested in helping fund her own ring or semester abroad than my mother's very generous gift. Why do you need "nice" luggage? I traveled the world with a set of bags that cost me about $100 at Macy's. I don’t understand the Peas’ viciousness toward young adults. Jesus. The daughter goes to school full time AND works. What else do you want her to do? How the F is that “contributing little or nothing?” I’m so glad my parents and family weren’t like this when I was in college.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Dec 30, 2019 19:20:25 GMT
Sell the pearls, take the money and buy the ring. when grandma asks where they are, say "they were very expensive, I put them away for safety" She doesn't need to know that's at the jewelry store.
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Dec 30, 2019 19:25:11 GMT
And why are all the other adults expected to pay for the adult daughter's wants while she apparently contributes little or nothing? I'd be more irritated that my adult daughter doesn't seem interested in helping fund her own ring or semester abroad than my mother's very generous gift. Why do you need "nice" luggage? I traveled the world with a set of bags that cost me about $100 at Macy's. I don’t understand the Peas’ viciousness toward young adults. Jesus. The daughter goes to school full time AND works. What else do you want her to do? How the F is that “contributing little or nothing?” I’m so glad my parents and family weren’t like this when I was in college. I missed the part about two jobs, but I don't think it's vicious to expect a young person to contribute to their own expenses. Nor is it vicious to expect a young adult to understand that sometimes, life sucks and you don't get everything you want.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Dec 30, 2019 19:46:32 GMT
I’d venture a guess as to your brother may be trying to also control your mom’s wealth, and limit what you may receive.
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Post by freecharlie on Dec 30, 2019 19:50:46 GMT
And why are all the other adults expected to pay for the adult daughter's wants while she apparently contributes little or nothing? I'd be more irritated that my adult daughter doesn't seem interested in helping fund her own ring or semester abroad than my mother's very generous gift. Why do you need "nice" luggage? I traveled the world with a set of bags that cost me about $100 at Macy's. Daughter works 2 jobs and goes to school. but if she had saved even $10 per month, she would have $480 of the ring by graduation or enough to put some $ down and finance the rest herself. It would have been nice to get the cash, I guess I wonder where your dd thought she was going to get the money for the ring all along
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psiluvu
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,217
Location: Canada's Capital
Jun 25, 2014 22:52:26 GMT
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Post by psiluvu on Dec 30, 2019 19:51:58 GMT
Stand up to your brother. He keeps getting his way because the other people in his life allow it. So you ruffle his feathers it sounds like you have survived a heck of a lot worse.
Let your dd sell the pearls if she wants. I have a 20 yr old dd and she would never in a million years wear pearls!
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Post by mom on Dec 30, 2019 20:07:09 GMT
I am sorry your brother is an ass. I will be honest though - you gave your mom a gift suggestion and she didn't use it. While in a perfect world she would have given your DD what she needed, she didnt and your post comes across as ungrateful. It isn't up to your mom to fund anything for anyone. Your DD Is the one taking the trip, wanting a ring (Which, I get it - its a big deal). But to expect any one else to be forced to give towards those items is just wrong. Even if she has the money, she owes no one anything. Wow! I do not agree with your reasoning AT ALL!
1. If your mom and brother decided they wanted to get your DD a string of pearls worth all that money and they KNOW how tight money is for you then THEY should be insuring it, not you. 2. If your dd doesn't want the pearls then I would ask for the receipt (you would need at least a copy to be able to insure them) and then simply return them. Pearls are not a must have item for girls. They used to be popular but seriously, my dd wouldn't ever wear a strand. Nor would I and I do wear a lot of jewelry. 3. My mother always asks the grandkids what they want. If they don't tell her within a reasonable amount of time, she gives them cash. They are all happy with that and my mom is totally fine with letting them buy whatever they want. 4. Your brother sounds like an ass.
5. Your family knows what you went through so to be honest, they should be listening to you. If your mom had no intention of giving your dd the cash, she shouldn't have asked. To be honest, it sounds like your brother stepped in and took over the situation. I would talk to your mom, privately and tell her that while you appreciate the gesture, there are so many other things your dd wants and needs right now. If she still wants to get your dd pearls, then she can buy them in a few years.
Cool.
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Post by myshelly on Dec 30, 2019 20:13:51 GMT
Wow! I do not agree with your reasoning AT ALL!
1. If your mom and brother decided they wanted to get your DD a string of pearls worth all that money and they KNOW how tight money is for you then THEY should be insuring it, not you. 2. If your dd doesn't want the pearls then I would ask for the receipt (you would need at least a copy to be able to insure them) and then simply return them. Pearls are not a must have item for girls. They used to be popular but seriously, my dd wouldn't ever wear a strand. Nor would I and I do wear a lot of jewelry. 3. My mother always asks the grandkids what they want. If they don't tell her within a reasonable amount of time, she gives them cash. They are all happy with that and my mom is totally fine with letting them buy whatever they want. 4. Your brother sounds like an ass.
5. Your family knows what you went through so to be honest, they should be listening to you. If your mom had no intention of giving your dd the cash, she shouldn't have asked. To be honest, it sounds like your brother stepped in and took over the situation. I would talk to your mom, privately and tell her that while you appreciate the gesture, there are so many other things your dd wants and needs right now. If she still wants to get your dd pearls, then she can buy them in a few years.
Cool. What does this contribute to the conversation? So juvenile and rude.
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Post by mom on Dec 30, 2019 20:18:45 GMT
What does this contribute to the conversation? So juvenile and rude. About as mature as you coming to hand slap. And lets be real - you choosing to pass a judgement on someone else being rude is really funny.
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Post by myshelly on Dec 30, 2019 20:21:18 GMT
What does this contribute to the conversation? So juvenile and rude. About as mature as you coming to hand slap. And lets be real - you choosing to pass a judgement on someone else being rude is really funny. Someone wrote you a reasonable, well thought out response. Why respond like that? I’m just trying to understand why you think that contributes anything to a thread? You know it doesn’t.
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Post by houstonsandy on Dec 30, 2019 20:41:21 GMT
Yes...my dd is a full time student and works two jobs. She gives all of her money to me and I pay the bills. She contributes! When she interns in summers she makes more per hour than I do. Her last summer's internship salary paid for a lot of her living expenses this year. I also put part of her contributions into savings for things like this. Most of the semester abroad will be covered by her tuition grant and scholarships, but of course there will be many things she will need to cover. Her summer internship will be set aside for that, so she is not expecting others to pay for everything. I guess I wasn't clear on that.
By "nice" luggage, I simply meant not a duffle bag and something that won't completely fall apart or have the wheels break after one or two trips through the airport baggage process that needs to be held together with duct tape by the time she comes home....lol...that is what "nice" is to me.
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