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Post by cindyupnorth on Dec 30, 2019 20:47:58 GMT
Just watch out for sales at Kohls, or TJmaxx. You guys should have bought some on black friday at Kohls, people were loading up with the luggage. You have a few months yet to watch out for, and often there are end of the yr sales.
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,390
Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
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Post by peaname on Dec 30, 2019 20:54:11 GMT
He is an ass! But you can’t dictate what someone gives to you or another person. A gift is a gift.
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Post by houstonsandy on Dec 30, 2019 20:58:34 GMT
I’d venture a guess as to your brother may be trying to also control your mom’s wealth, and limit what you may receive. Yup! You would win that bet. Over summer when mom redid her will, brother wants to get all the farms because (and this is what he said to the lawyer....) I will just sell them for below value and spend the money on a fancy vacation and then have nothing. I apparently have a reputation for traveling to fancy places? lol....I haven't been anywhere in at least 6 years that wasn't within a 3 hours drive and no more than a two night stay.
He keeps thinking back to when my ex got trips every year as sales incentive awards. (and that was like...23 to 28 years ago?) Those trips were nice...but they were completely paid for by his company!
I personally do not want to own farmland two hours away. I am in no way qualified to rent them out or manage them from out of town. I would much rather have the equivalent in stocks. But to tell the lawyer that! Right in front of me! The lawyer is our cousin.....he called me a few days later and remarked on brother's bizarre behavior! He said his brother is the same way...it must be a "family" trait....
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Dec 30, 2019 21:01:28 GMT
Just watch out for sales at Kohls, or TJmaxx. You guys should have bought some on black friday at Kohls, people were loading up with the luggage. You have a few months yet to watch out for, and often there are end of the yr sales. Kohl's and Macy's often have killer deals on luggage. Watch out for President's Day sales. I got a really nice Samsonite bag for $50 at Marshall's a couple of years ago and it has held up amazingly well.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 21:31:22 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2019 21:04:48 GMT
Yes your brother is an ass and you have every right to be upset that he meddled in your mom's gift giving decision. In my experience, it will only get worse.
I would be frank with mom and tell her that dd doesn't need or want pearls right now in her life. Can you return them and give her some cash so she can get something that she can use now? Pearls would be a great grad gift. (Also, how will she top that gift upon college graduation? Just things for mom to ponder.)
And I would confront your brother. Like I said, he will only get worse as time goes on. As mom gets older and relies more heavily on brother, decisions will be brother's alone. Confront him now, put your foot down and set boundaries. This entire issue is much bigger than "being ungrateful for a gift". Much bigger.
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Post by jackie on Dec 30, 2019 21:41:38 GMT
I’m somewhat amused by the number of people who are upset by the fact the Mom didn’t give cash as a present. How many *lengthy* threads have we had over the past 18 years I’ve been a pea where the majority of peas claim that they would never give cash or gift cards because it was impersonal and tacky? If the OP knows that brother won’t give cash and supervises/influences mom, why ask for cash at all? Why not ask for luggage or something else concrete, if that is also a need? I, personally, think selling the pearls for much less than they are worth is short-sighted, but if that is what the daughter wants to do, that is what she should do with her gift. I agree with the others that no one should be expected to fund something that the daughter wants. A gift suggestion is just that, a suggestion. It isn’t a contract or a mandate. The brother, and maybe the mother, could very well subscribe to the pea sentiment that giving cash is tacky. Buying someone pearls is very different than buying sweaters that are too small to wear. I just looked at the Aggie Ring website - I was trying to see if one could buy a gift certificate towards a ring, but apparently not - and there are loans and scholarships available through the alumni association to buy the things. It sounds as if the daughter might qualify to apply for either. I think anyone who says “never give cash or gift cards” is a fool. And I doubt the majority has been saying to “never” do it. Actually, the brother does give cash. The OP just said he gave it to some other family member but waited until after he got back from Vegas so he couldn’t spend it there. So he’s clearly able to give cash and is fine with it as a gift but likes to be controlling about it, how it’s spent. Sounds like giving cash is not something they consider tacky then. Also, I’m not sure the OP had any way of knowing that the brother’s influence would make the gift go this way. She’s not a frigging mind reader. No one has said the gift suggestion, a suggestion that was asked for, is a “mandate” or “contract”. But seriously, why ask if you’re going to ignore it? IMO, gifts, whether cash, pearls,or gift cards, are something based on what the giver wants and is able to give and what they feel the receiver would want. I’ve known some insensitive gift givers who give based on what they like without thought for the receiver. I suppose that’s their right, but why? What pleasure is there in that? I’m just glad in my family we are kind and considerate with our gift-giving. That we don’t look at gift suggestions as mandates, but do use that information to give thoughtful and needed/wanted gifts.
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Post by elaine on Dec 30, 2019 22:30:10 GMT
I’m somewhat amused by the number of people who are upset by the fact the Mom didn’t give cash as a present. How many *lengthy* threads have we had over the past 18 years I’ve been a pea where the majority of peas claim that they would never give cash or gift cards because it was impersonal and tacky? If the OP knows that brother won’t give cash and supervises/influences mom, why ask for cash at all? Why not ask for luggage or something else concrete, if that is also a need? I think anyone who says “never give cash or gift cards” is a fool. And I doubt the majority has been saying to “never” do it. Actually, the brother does give cash. The OP just said he gave it to some other family member but waited until after he got back from Vegas so he couldn’t spend it there. So he’s clearly able to give cash and is fine with it as a gift but likes to be controlling about it, how it’s spent. Sounds like giving cash is not something they consider tacky then. Also, I’m not sure the OP had any way of knowing that the brother’s influence would make the gift go this way. She’s not a frigging mind reader. No one has said the gift suggestion, a suggestion that was asked for, is a “mandate” or “contract”. But seriously, why ask if you’re going to ignore it? IMO, gifts, whether cash, pearls,or gift cards, are something based on what the giver wants and is able to give and what they feel the receiver would want. I’ve known some insensitive gift givers who give based on what they like without thought for the receiver. I suppose that’s their right, but why? What pleasure is there in that? I’m just glad in my family we are kind and considerate with our gift-giving. That we don’t look at gift suggestions as mandates, but do use that information to give thoughtful and needed/wanted gifts. I’m fine with giving cash and gift cards and actually love receiving them. That is why I am very familiar with how most of the threads that address this have gone in the past. You may have a different recollection, but I’ve been told I am tacky on those threads. I’m glad that you have a family of considerate gift givers. I wonder if the gift thing would have gone differently if cash wasn’t the only option given. For example, as I mentioned, including the much needed luggage on the list. My take on it is that *cash* is a problematic gift in the family and the OP is aware of it, hence the info about the brother and cash. (Cash for a wedding present is IMO different than cash for other occasions, as cash is considered a traditional wedding gift). I’m sorry that the OP has a deadbeat ex and that she and her daughter have to work so hard and are still just scraping by. That truly stinks and I wish it weren’t so hard for both of them. However, imo, the deadbeat ex deserves the ire being directed at the mom for giving a very nice gift that isn’t cash. I really do have an issue with that. You don’t. You and I apparently have a different philosophy about gifting - diversity is what makes this place rich and wonderful.
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Post by jackie on Dec 30, 2019 22:43:12 GMT
I think there are times when cash is very appropriate—a wedding is a perfect example. Most people give cash for that and I would be surprised if the majority of peas find that tacky, but who knows; this board can surprise me at times.
I agree that when someone asks for gift suggestions, it’s nice to give options as you said, rather than just one thing. I just think that a struggling college student who is working two jobs and has some major expenses coming up, cash seems like such a reasonable request, especially from grandma. Now if it was someone asking for cash all the time, that would feel tacky to me and would be annoying. It’s just difficult for me to understand why close relatives who know their granddaughter/niece has these important college-related expenses coming up, wouldn’t want to help her out.
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Post by AussieMeg on Dec 30, 2019 23:38:20 GMT
I’d venture a guess as to your brother may be trying to also control your mom’s wealth, and limit what you may receive. Yup! You would win that bet. Over summer when mom redid her will, brother wants to get all the farms because (and this is what he said to the lawyer....) I will just sell them for below value and spend the money on a fancy vacation and then have nothing. Your brother is a freakin nutcase! A controlling nutcase. I have to admit, the first thing that popped into my mind when I read your OP was that I bet he's going to screw you over regarding your mum's will when the time comes. I'm glad that your cousin is your lawyer, hopefully he can make sure that doesn't happen. this board can surprise me at times. Hahahaha no shit!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 21:31:22 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2019 0:07:47 GMT
Well, this story really sucks. As does brother and dh. I would not like getting $$$$ pearls. Now, if it were diamonds I might feel differently. I've been giving cash for birthdays and Christmas for at least 20 years. My kids and grands prefer that and its easy for me. If they want something else, send me a link and I'll order it. But they seldom do. I don't like gift cards. I forget about them and lose them. Dh had a $50 hobby lobby gift card for 2 years. Yesterday, he remembered it and looked for it for an hour...gone. I hope your dd gets what she needs and your brother minds his own business.
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Post by twinks on Dec 31, 2019 0:18:24 GMT
Hugs to you. You have had too much stressful happenings in your life the last several years.
I understand that money is tight. I totally get that. There is no way that the OP could think that brother would influence what gift was given. To ask now for the receipt would be ungrateful. To say that granddaughter isn't doing everything she can to contribute would be false. To say that she needs to make different choices isn't really right either. The school ring is huge! The required semester abroad isn't some frivolous whim. The OP came to complain about her brother and his controlling and jealous actions toward her. That is the reason and the focus of the OP. Not, attacking the situation and the choices made by her daughter. The brother is looking at the ring and the semester abroad as selfish decisions made on a whim. I don't think that is the case here.
Right now, it appears that you simply can't take on the extra costs of insuring the pearls. I would be frank with Mom and only Mom. She may need to insure them for a couple of years. It is a lovely gift, but, the timing isn't the best. I would explain to her that what was needed was the cash, not finding something else to spend money on. The cherished school ring would be even more fondly remembered if Grandma had helped pay for it. A nice treasured item from her semester abroad would be even more fondly remembered or if a side trip to another country would have meant even more if it was a gift from Grandma.
As far as dear brother goes, there is nothing you can do to plan on anything with him in control. You will have to come up with your own plans. When you do that, then you are taking control and it will bug him. The one thing in this whole situation that fries me is that he has to be part of the OP's telephone conversation with her mother! I mean really! What a controlling piece of crap. I would probably call at a different time to talk with my mother.
Again, best of luck to you and your daughter. You both deserve huge hugs.
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Post by MaryPea on Dec 31, 2019 0:33:29 GMT
I was going to guess she was an Aggie. Almost all Aggie’s wear their ring. It is a huge deal to get one. Get the receipt and return the pearls. Buy the luggage at tjmaxx Can she call her dad ask for money to help? Agreed. I am an Aggie, class of ‘93, and i wear mine daily. And I live 1100 miles away where no one recognizes it.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 31, 2019 0:33:50 GMT
No one has said the gift suggestion, a suggestion that was asked for, is a “mandate” or “contract”. But seriously, why ask if you’re going to ignore it? IMO, gifts, whether cash, pearls,or gift cards, are something based on what the giver wants and is able to give and what they feel the receiver would want. I’ve known some insensitive gift givers who give based on what they like without thought for the receiver. I suppose that’s their right, but why? What pleasure is there in that? I’m just glad in my family we are kind and considerate with our gift-giving. That we don’t look at gift suggestions as mandates, but do use that information to give thoughtful and needed/wanted gifts. This is how I feel too, while it’s not a mandate by any means if you have to ask for suggestions why not take those suggestions at least into thoughtful consideration? My DD9 had a list of things she wanted for Christmas and several people asked me for hints in the weeks leading up to the holiday. I told each person different items from her list based on who I thought would be most likely to get those particular things for her (we bought her all the big things ourselves and didn’t share those suggestions). The result was that she got a lot of the things she was really wishing for, which was nice because she didn’t have a huge list and we don’t tend to go overboard throughout the year indiscriminately buying her stuff for no reason. OMG, she was SO EXCITED and surprised by every gift she opened because it was all stuff she specifically asked for, and if asked she would probably say this was one of the best Christmases ever because of that.
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Post by cade387 on Dec 31, 2019 2:47:51 GMT
How is your DD’s relationship with Grandma? I think it would be good for her to be the one to explain that she can’t insure them and she doesn’t think her mom can afford it now either. If she feels comfortable maybe she could also share that she would rather return them?
I think you can’t win with it coming from you and not DD. I would address the brother situation though.
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Post by 950nancy on Dec 31, 2019 2:54:44 GMT
I wanted to add that, apart from my engagement and wedding rings, the only consistent piece of jewelry that I have worn for the 35 years I’ve had them is the string of pearls my grandmother gave to me when I turned 21. Pearls are appropriate at many dressy occasions and they are never too bling-y. I love my pearls. Other necklaces have come and gone from my wardrobe, but I’d never give up my pearls. I felt just the opposite. I have both my mom and my grandmother's pearls and never wear them. They are beautiful, but they just remind me of June Cleaver. I wore them some when I was younger, but they haven't seen the light of day in 20 years.
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Post by mrssmith on Dec 31, 2019 3:47:03 GMT
The school has been so generous over the past three years with the grants and department scholarships to cover her tuition...I feel a little guilty asking for more help (via the ring scholarships) to be honest. DD has some money saved from her jobs last semester that she set aside for her Germany semester. She can pull from there and just start saving more this semester or check out the ring loan option. There won't be any apartment rent or car expenses for Aug to December while she is gone, so that will help my finances for sure in the fall.
My mom usually does give money for gifting occasions since her shopping options where she lives are limited. Walmart and HEB are the only options....This was totally due my brother's influence. It just feels like he did it to get a jab in on me.
Hugs to you. I believe you based on your other description of your brother that he did it to get back at you. Please try to distance yourself from him. You deserve some peace. I hope your daughter gets her ring if it means so much.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Dec 31, 2019 4:11:14 GMT
I’d venture a guess as to your brother may be trying to also control your mom’s wealth, and limit what you may receive. Yup! You would win that bet. Over summer when mom redid her will, brother wants to get all the farms because (and this is what he said to the lawyer....) I will just sell them for below value and spend the money on a fancy vacation and then have nothing. I apparently have a reputation for traveling to fancy places? lol....I haven't been anywhere in at least 6 years that wasn't within a 3 hours drive and no more than a two night stay.
He keeps thinking back to when my ex got trips every year as sales incentive awards. (and that was like...23 to 28 years ago?) Those trips were nice...but they were completely paid for by his company!
I personally do not want to own farmland two hours away. I am in no way qualified to rent them out or manage them from out of town. I would much rather have the equivalent in stocks. But to tell the lawyer that! Right in front of me! The lawyer is our cousin.....he called me a few days later and remarked on brother's bizarre behavior! He said his brother is the same way...it must be a "family" trait....
And I would tell your lawyer cousin that you are concerned that brother is trying to control your mothers wealth and that things may be changed because of your brothers wishes and not your mothers. I’d also tell brother to his face to back the fuck if and to stop being a douche and spreading lies to counsel just to make you look bad.
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