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Post by houstonsandy on Dec 30, 2019 2:44:49 GMT
We have never really been close. Ever since we were little he always thought my parents favored me and he has "taken it out on me" for over 50 years. He lives in the same small town as our mother and I live about 1 1/2 hours away.
He has never married or had kids. I have one college aged daughter and have been divorced for one year after ending a 38 year marriage. Our lives are so different. This year when mom asked what to get my dd for Christmas, I simply told her money. She is eligible to order her college senior ring in January and needs money to put towards that (around $600) and she is doing her semester abroad in Germany in the fall and wants to put money aside for that and to get a good set of luggage. We don't have any luggage at all...we lost everything when our home caught fire two years ago and that is something we have not yet had a need to replace until now. I work a full time job with no benefits. To make ends meet I am a host parent for three international students attending a private school nearby. I get no financial help at all from my ex for dd's college and living expenses, no help for insurance, nothing! Its all on me and dd working two part time jobs while taking a full class load.
So...Christmas morning brother and mom are supposed to come to my house before we all head to an aunt's house for lunch. They call 30 minutes before they are due here to say they are just going directly to aunt's house so they can have more time to visit. I had already prepared a breakfast for us all to have while we did our own gift exchange, but what ever!
After they hung up and I told dd they were not coming to the house, she called mom. I guess she said something that made them change their mind (without telling us...) because we went ahead and had breakfast and then there they are at the door!
OK...so we give them their gifts, but apparently ours are out in his car and we will just have to wait to get them at aunt's house later. Whatever... So, later when dd opens her gift from my mom....its a very lovely strand of pearls and matching earrings. What the heck? Mom makes a point to tell me later how much they cost so that we can have them insured. Over $3000! I later called her to ask her what possessed her to give her the pearls now instead of, oh, say, graduation next year? Oh...it was your brother's idea! That explains it. He doesn't like to give anyone cash because they will "just spend it".....I know he told her not to give dd money because she would just spend it on something stupid. Sigh....he likes to be in control and when you give money you are not in control of how it is spent. So now dd doesn't have any money to put towards her class ring or luggage or her semester abroad but she has an expensive necklace that she won't even take back with her or use for at least two years.
Oh...and while we were at my aunt's house, we saw her daughter who had gotten married in June. My brother waited to give her and her husband their wedding gift (money! lol) until now because they were going to Vegas for their honeymoon and he didn't want them to blow it in Vegas!
So he waited till now to give it to them! So controlling...even to them!
Earlier today I made my Sunday phone call to mom. My brother got on the phone and started berating us because we didn't come down to see mom today while we are both off from school. Uhhhhh....we just saw yall all day Wednesday....and he was the one who was trying not to come to our house at all. So we will travel down there tomorrow afternoon to get him off our backs. And I will get to listen to him tell me how stupid I am, and everything I am doing wrong, and how much he does for mom and I can't even come visit her, yada yada yada....just like he always does whenever I do go down to see her. (Which is the main reason I don't like to go visit...its just too emotionally draining!)
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Gravity
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,233
Jun 27, 2014 0:29:55 GMT
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Post by Gravity on Dec 30, 2019 2:49:02 GMT
I'm sorry your brother is an ass. Can you go pick your mom up and take her to lunch or back to your house so you don't have to put up with him?
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,254 
Location: Western Illinois
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Dec 30, 2019 2:55:45 GMT
Yeah, I think I’d be offering to take mom to lunch, for a "girls" date.
I will say that if I were your daughter, I’d be prioritizing the semester abroad and money for that. $600 is a lot to spend on a ring when money is tight - and I don’t think I know anyone who still wears a class ring.
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Post by houstonsandy on Dec 30, 2019 2:56:50 GMT
I offer all the time to go get her and bring her to my house for a few days. She always refuses because "who will take care of the dogs and cats?"....They have a doggie door to go in and out and brother can feed them? But she always worries too much about the animals to go anywhere overnight let alone two or three days. She always comes up with some lame excuse not to go anywhere.
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Post by houstonsandy on Dec 30, 2019 3:00:01 GMT
... getting your ring at A&M is a pretty big deal. Its an Aggie thing....
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 19:19:57 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2019 3:00:02 GMT
It's frustrating when asked what someone would like and then deviates from that.  Is money tight for your Mom and the pearls were something she already had around? Go tomorrow because you want to go and see your Mom, but don't do it to cater to your DB. |
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Post by pierkiss on Dec 30, 2019 3:04:35 GMT
Tell him to shove it. Seriously, don’t tolerate him belittling you.
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Post by houstonsandy on Dec 30, 2019 3:04:53 GMT
No...she bought them. She is very well off. She has a very large Fidelity account and owns a lot of farmland. Money is not an issue with her.
My brother and I did have it out over some other issue years ago. His way of dealing with it was to not talk to us for about 2 years. That made things very difficult. I don't want a repeat of that fiasco so I try my best to just let everything he says just roll off my back. Its hard though and I feel like crap for days afterwards because I hold it all in.
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ComplicatedLady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,083
Location: Valley of the Sun
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Post by ComplicatedLady on Dec 30, 2019 3:06:41 GMT
Tell your daughter to sell or return the pearls for cash—if they have no sentimental value.
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Post by gryroagain on Dec 30, 2019 3:22:52 GMT
A gift is freely given, if they aren’t family heirloom type pearls that were great grandmas sell them! May not get the full 3000, but even half will pay for her ring and dome for the abroad semester.
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gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,092
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Dec 30, 2019 3:27:56 GMT
I understand your disappointment.
Perhaps luggage can be bought at TJ Maxx. Start looking now. I got a Briggs and Riley bargain by looking patiently. Fantastic quality.
Perhaps your mom would be willing to help with these other expenses as a non-Christmas gift.
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Post by sawwhet on Dec 30, 2019 3:29:56 GMT
Tell your daughter to sell or return the pearls for cash—if they have no sentimental value. This is a good idea unless it will ruffle a lot of feathers. |
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Post by myshelly on Dec 30, 2019 3:33:30 GMT
Tell your daughter to sell or return the pearls for cash—if they have no sentimental value. At what store can a gift recipient return a gift for cash? No stores have a return for cash policy unless you have a receipt showing you purchased the item with cash. |
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ComplicatedLady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,083
Location: Valley of the Sun
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Post by ComplicatedLady on Dec 30, 2019 3:39:52 GMT
Tell your daughter to sell or return the pearls for cash—if they have no sentimental value. At what store can a gift recipient return a gift for cash? No stores have a return for cash policy unless you have a receipt showing you purchased the item with cash. Eh, I don’t know. My first thought was sell at a pawn shop. My second thought was maybe they were from a local jeweler where her mom buys jewelry from regularly (just as an example...I have no idea where the pearls were purchased), there could be some return potential if they were in the original store box or were somehow unique to the store they were purchased from. My point is that the daughter doesn’t have to keep them and could get more use by getting rid of them. |
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Post by ntsf on Dec 30, 2019 3:42:25 GMT
tell your mom you need the pearls' receipt due to insurance listings.. then your dd can return it.
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Post by curiouscrafter on Dec 30, 2019 3:43:52 GMT
Agree - your brother is an ass. I would tell him to mind his own. Don’t let him bully you. You don’t need him.
I would have DD return pearls and buy ring, pay for books, and use for abroad expenses.
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Post by Miss Lerins Momma on Dec 30, 2019 3:55:49 GMT
Buy cheap but decent luggage somewhere. I found a really nice set at a Yardsale. I don’t think I’d have her return or pawn the stuff. Tell her to find another way to get the money. Maybe even borrow it from grandma?
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Post by scrapmaven on Dec 30, 2019 3:59:07 GMT
You are letting your brother run the show no matter how bad you feel, because you don't want a family mess. Though I understand it, I also know that you are not taking care of yourself when you do that. It might seem like you are doing what's best, but really you are not. Instead, he gets to manipulate everyone and you wind up miserable.
I would stand up to him and tell him to stop. Ya, he might take his toys and stomp off to his room, but you will be free to do what you need to do for yourself and your dd. You love your mother and this is between the two of you. Your brother had no business getting involved. IMHO, your brother runs the joint, because no one says "NO" to him. They're all too upset about upsetting the apple cart. Your mom likely feels guilt, because he thinks she favors you. If you set a firm boundary he'll be angry and he'll have his tantrum, but in order to change the family dynamic you will have to make things uncomfortable. The good news is that it will become normal for you and you will change things for the better for you and your dd. Don't worry about him making things bad. That's on him. Keep communicating w/your mom and reminding her that you love her. When the subject of your brother comes up, change the subject. Life is too short not to be happy. NO is a complete sentence.
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Post by bc2ca on Dec 30, 2019 4:11:53 GMT
TJ Max or Marshalls are the best source for quality, name brand luggage at bargain prices.  Sorry your brother has inserted himself into your relationship with your mother. My MIL and BIL have a codependent/controlling relationship that is frustrating to watch and we can't change anything from a distance.  DD would be really frustrated by pearls as a gift. |
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Post by mrssmith on Dec 30, 2019 4:13:51 GMT
Earlier today I made my Sunday phone call to mom. My brother got on the phone and started berating us because we didn't come down to see mom today while we are both off from school. Uhhhhh....we just saw yall all day Wednesday....and he was the one who was trying not to come to our house at all. So we will travel down there tomorrow afternoon to get him off our backs. And I will get to listen to him tell me how stupid I am, and everything I am doing wrong, and how much he does for mom and I can't even come visit her, yada yada yada....just like he always does whenever I do go down to see her. (Which is the main reason I don't like to go visit...its just too emotionally draining!)
TBH you should only go down IF it's because YOU want to see your mom. Not to get your brother off your back. You 100% DO NOT need to listen to him tell you you're stupid. Sounds like you need some distance from him and maybe to stand up to him a bit more. If you want a longer visit with your mom, maybe you can drive down, pick her up, and have her spend a couple of days with just you and not your brother. |
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Post by mrssmith on Dec 30, 2019 4:17:10 GMT
Yeah, I think I’d be offering to take mom to lunch, for a "girls" date. I will say that if I were your daughter, I’d be prioritizing the semester abroad and money for that. $600 is a lot to spend on a ring when money is tight - and I don’t think I know anyone who still wears a class ring. Agree about the ring. The semester abroad is a better investment - what a great experience and a lifetime of memories! I got my luggage at Kohls. |
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ComplicatedLady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,083
Location: Valley of the Sun
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Post by ComplicatedLady on Dec 30, 2019 4:21:22 GMT
I’ll also add that I found great luggage at great prices at Tuesday Morning.
If you have one nearby, it’s worth checking out.
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Post by mom on Dec 30, 2019 4:23:46 GMT
I am sorry your brother is an ass. I will be honest though - you gave your mom a gift suggestion and she didn't use it. While in a perfect world she would have given your DD what she needed, she didnt and your post comes across as ungrateful. It isn't up to your mom to fund anything for anyone. Your DD Is the one taking the trip, wanting a ring (Which, I get it - its a big deal). But to expect any one else to be forced to give towards those items is just wrong. Even if she has the money, she owes no one anything.
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Post by drummergirl65 on Dec 30, 2019 4:58:37 GMT
I'll say that I hate giving or getting gifts that I have no real use for. So the pearls would be going back. Tell jackass brother to STFU and go pickup Mom and bring the animals with her. No excuses. (You'll have to parden my bluntness. I just spent waaay too much time with my outlaws. Oops I mean inlaws...)
edited to add, I don't like to give a gift that the person I'm giving to won't use/like
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Post by elaine on Dec 30, 2019 5:00:09 GMT
Yeah, I think I’d be offering to take mom to lunch, for a "girls" date. I will say that if I were your daughter, I’d be prioritizing the semester abroad and money for that. $600 is a lot to spend on a ring when money is tight - and I don’t think I know anyone who still wears a class ring. Agree about the ring. The semester abroad is a better investment - what a great experience and a lifetime of memories! I got my luggage at Kohls. Agreed. Even if buying a class ring is an A&M thing, she really won’t be wearing it 5 years past graduation. The only people I have seen who wear college rings into adulthood are men who attended one of the three military academies. We also have bought all of our current luggage at Kohl’s. They have some really great lightweight hard-sided Samsonite that always goes on sale. It is much lighter than soft-sided luggage. |
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Post by chaosisapony on Dec 30, 2019 5:08:31 GMT
I am sorry your brother is an ass. I will be honest though - you gave your mom a gift suggestion and she didn't use it. While in a perfect world she would have given your DD what she needed, she didnt and your post comes across as ungrateful. It isn't up to your mom to fund anything for anyone. Your DD Is the one taking the trip, wanting a ring (Which, I get it - its a big deal). But to expect any one else to be forced to give towards those items is just wrong. Even if she has the money, she owes no one anything. This is where I'm sitting on this one.
A gift is not about what you want, it's about what the giver wants to give you. Grandma is not obligated to give cash just because that is what is requested. I understand your annoyance over many years of multiple issues with your brother but I don't think this is something you can actually be mad about. If your daughter has no interest in the pearls she can sell them and buy what she really wants with the money. |
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Post by elaine on Dec 30, 2019 5:21:28 GMT
I wanted to add that, apart from my engagement and wedding rings, the only consistent piece of jewelry that I have worn for the 35 years I’ve had them is the string of pearls my grandmother gave to me when I turned 21. Pearls are appropriate at many dressy occasions and they are never too bling-y. I love my pearls. Other necklaces have come and gone from my wardrobe, but I’d never give up my pearls.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 30, 2019 5:26:37 GMT
I’d find a way to sell the pearls and use the money for her future needs. While I understand that people will sometimes give you what they want to give you, that doesn’t mean you have to keep it, especially if it’s something you didn’t ask for, don’t want and can’t use. I think I would feel differently if they were an heirloom gift that was being passed down and had some sentimental value, but it seems that’s not the case here.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 19:19:57 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2019 5:26:56 GMT
I was going to guess she was an Aggie. Almost all Aggie’s wear their ring. It is a huge deal to get one.
Get the receipt and return the pearls.
Buy the luggage at tjmaxx
Can she call her dad ask for money to help?
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Post by kelly316 on Dec 30, 2019 5:42:58 GMT
I wanted to add that, apart from my engagement and wedding rings, the only consistent piece of jewelry that I have worn for the 35 years I’ve had them is the string of pearls my grandmother gave to me when I turned 21. Pearls are appropriate at many dressy occasions and they are never too bling-y. I love my pearls. Other necklaces have come and gone from my wardrobe, but I’d never give up my pearls. Does that make you a pearl clutcher? Just kidding. Kidding kidding. I couldn’t help myself. |
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Is money tight for your Mom and the pearls were something she already had around? Go tomorrow because you want to go and see your Mom, but don't do it to cater to your DB. 
