azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755 
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Post by azredhead on Nov 1, 2014 3:43:31 GMT
I'm with Lauren on this one too, I don't understand the control thing with the holidays, birthday's, christmas etc... it takes the thought out of it really.I like to see how well someone knows someone they are buying the gift for. I know it's not always easy. As I have a MiL who will stash it in the closet no matter what and we'll never see it again. But that's ok. The last few years SIL has started using some of the gifts we've given MIL as she asked me year before last. (they live in the same apart). I said sure if you'll use it and MIL won't. MIL has lots of health issues and sometimes isn't all there but I feel bad fi we don't get her something. Last few years it's just been nail polish or pjs or something we'll know like and won't disappear I try to make them personal when it comes to our family names. We draw names on my side as there are too many now so we just do families and it's much easier. We should get our names this week so we have time.
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The Great Carpezio
Pearl Clutcher
Something profound goes here.
Posts: 3,165
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Nov 1, 2014 5:19:21 GMT
I see both ends of this continuum as controlling with a likely dose of unhealthy expectations. The norm is probably for most that lists are a good starting point/guideline and that surprises and hand selected gifts are good sprinkled in. No one needs to be "normal" and there is a huge continuum to work within; however, extreme ends are rarely a good idea because they cause stress and ridiculously high expectations.
I don't think wanting some control over the flow off what comes into one's house is outrageous. I think only excepting and expecting items from a pre-approved list is unrealistic and controlling. I don't think wanting to be creative and original in gift buying is a bad idea. I think excepting and expecting everyone else to to that is unrealistic and controlling.
I think if you do not allow craft supplies to be used without supervison for children under a certain age, that is fine. If you don't allow craft supplies at all in your house, that is unhealthy behavior and it's time to get a bit more introspective.
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Post by anxiousmom on Nov 1, 2014 12:59:28 GMT
I am from a family of both askers for lists/suggestions and random gift giving. A lot of thought goes into gifts, and a lot of joy is derived from the giving of gifts. Lists for us are simply suggestions and it isn't seen as this is it, and nothing else. In fact, the joke in my family is that I have exactly one item on my list and it has been there for about 10 years. LOL
But over the years, threads like this and others make me wonder about the correlations between the must control the gifts vs. the more free floating buyers is about the relationships with the family.
We are the velcro family that spends a lot time together. We enjoy each other, and are really close. We are a free floating gift buying family. Sometimes it isn't a perfect gift, but there is rarely disappointment or resentment.
*shrug* maybe I am wrong though, it just seems to me like there is some kind connection.
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Post by carolynhasacat on Nov 1, 2014 14:08:34 GMT
I've noticed a difference in the meaning of a list between my family and DH's family.
My family sees a list as suggestion only. Our lists are often deliberately funny and list items that are not gift-able or are unrealistic, like the sable fur coat that has been on my mom's list for 30 years or the gift of a self-cleaning house that is on my list. But we make it fun - my dad often gets her things like sable brushes for oil painting and we all joke, 'you got your sable!' and similar. Lists are fun!
DH's family sees a list as a "you must buy this" exercise, and DH gets mad at me if there are unrealistic things on my list or too much. I'm only supposed to list exactly what I expect the person to purchase for me. No fun at all! I must give MIL a specific list with links for DS, so she can get exactly (and all) of the items, so it becomes my job to divide the gifts so there are no repeats, make sure she gets him something that he'll be excited about, and manage her budget, all of which I resent having to do. Lists are a chore!
My family's way is much more fun but it literally makes DH angry. I guess it's what you grow up with.
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 1, 2014 14:13:39 GMT
I've noticed a difference in the meaning of a list between my family and DH's family. My family sees a list as suggestion only. Our lists are often deliberately funny and list items that are not gift-able or are unrealistic, like the sable fur coat that has been on my mom's list for 30 years or the gift of a self-cleaning house that is on my list. But we make it fun - my dad often gets her things like sable brushes for oil painting and we all joke, 'you got your sable!' and similar. Lists are fun! DH's family sees a list as a "you must buy this" exercise, and DH gets mad at me if there are unrealistic things on my list or too much. I'm only supposed to list exactly what I expect the person to purchase for me. No fun at all! I must give MIL a specific list with links for DS, so she can get exactly (and all) of the items, so it becomes my job to divide the gifts so there are no repeats, make sure she gets him something that he'll be excited about, and manage her budget, all of which I resent having to do. Lists are a chore! My family's way is much more fun but it literally makes DH angry. I guess it's what you grow up with. Id make my dh do his side. i |
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Nov 1, 2014 14:20:03 GMT
I've noticed a difference in the meaning of a list between my family and DH's family. My family sees a list as suggestion only. Our lists are often deliberately funny and list items that are not gift-able or are unrealistic, like the sable fur coat that has been on my mom's list for 30 years or the gift of a self-cleaning house that is on my list. But we make it fun - my dad often gets her things like sable brushes for oil painting and we all joke, 'you got your sable!' and similar. Lists are fun! DH's family sees a list as a "you must buy this" exercise, and DH gets mad at me if there are unrealistic things on my list or too much. I'm only supposed to list exactly what I expect the person to purchase for me. No fun at all! I must give MIL a specific list with links for DS, so she can get exactly (and all) of the items, so it becomes my job to divide the gifts so there are no repeats, make sure she gets him something that he'll be excited about, and manage her budget, all of which I resent having to do. Lists are a chore! My family's way is much more fun but it literally makes DH angry. I guess it's what you grow up with. Id make my dh do his side. i Me too, if it bothers him that much. I really don't understand the level of control of "you must buy this" kind of lists demanded by certain families. Just too much stress. |
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jenkate77
Full Member
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Jun 26, 2014 1:33:16 GMT
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Post by jenkate77 on Nov 1, 2014 14:26:32 GMT
The only "rule" I have about giving my kids gifts is that you can't give them anything alive. No dog, no cat, no spider...
Everything else is fair game. I can take it away if they're not using it how I'd like them to!
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Post by myshelly on Nov 1, 2014 14:31:18 GMT
Id make my dh do his side. i Me too, if it bothers him that much. I really don't understand the level of control of "you must buy this" kind of lists demanded by certain families. Just too much stress. To me those kinds of lists take away all the stress as opposed to making stress |
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 1, 2014 14:56:57 GMT
Me too, if it bothers him that much. I really don't understand the level of control of "you must buy this" kind of lists demanded by certain families. Just too much stress. To me those kinds of lists take away all the stress as opposed to making stress Yes, but we clearly have different personalities, which is why we aren't all robots. I rarely have my house "company ready" and you do every night. We don't plan things too far in advance (except vacations and then only the where are we staying and how are we getting therer). If my kids get something they don't like, it isn't the end of the world. DS got two rainbow looms last year and he uses both. If they get two of the same video game, we take one back and they get something else (which is almost as much fun as getting it in the first place). I am a fly by the seat of my pants kind of person, you are not. I think the problems arise when two totally opposite types of people try to dictate how the other should be. |
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Post by carolynhasacat on Nov 1, 2014 15:09:09 GMT
I've noticed a difference in the meaning of a list between my family and DH's family. My family sees a list as suggestion only. Our lists are often deliberately funny and list items that are not gift-able or are unrealistic, like the sable fur coat that has been on my mom's list for 30 years or the gift of a self-cleaning house that is on my list. But we make it fun - my dad often gets her things like sable brushes for oil painting and we all joke, 'you got your sable!' and similar. Lists are fun! DH's family sees a list as a "you must buy this" exercise, and DH gets mad at me if there are unrealistic things on my list or too much. I'm only supposed to list exactly what I expect the person to purchase for me. No fun at all! I must give MIL a specific list with links for DS, so she can get exactly (and all) of the items, so it becomes my job to divide the gifts so there are no repeats, make sure she gets him something that he'll be excited about, and manage her budget, all of which I resent having to do. Lists are a chore! My family's way is much more fun but it literally makes DH angry. I guess it's what you grow up with. Id make my dh do his side. i He does, sometimes, and I do it, sometimes. I still need to provide my list, but we share / take turns doing DS's list. |
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Post by gar on Nov 1, 2014 15:42:34 GMT
Me too, if it bothers him that much. I really don't understand the level of control of "you must buy this" kind of lists demanded by certain families. Just too much stress. To me those kinds of lists take away all the stress as opposed to making stress They also take away the essence of gift giving at Christmas. |
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Post by myshelly on Nov 1, 2014 15:54:04 GMT
To me those kinds of lists take away all the stress as opposed to making stress They also take away the essence of gift giving at Christmas. I guess that depends on what the essence of gift giving is to you. It means different things to different people. |
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Post by Merge on Nov 1, 2014 17:22:15 GMT
Ugh. My sister texted me this week to ask for lists for my girls, age 11 and 13, because she wants to have all her shopping done by December 1st.
I don't want to give her lists. I want her to either send something she thinks they'll enjoy or just send a gift card or basically make the choice herself. Actually I'd prefer we stop exchanging gifts from us to her kids and her kids to ours. She likes to give me a specific link list and is very concerned about making all the money even. Since she has four kids and I have two, she wants to spend twice as much on each of my kids as I do on each of hers to make it "fair," and to me, at that point, it starts to all feel very mercenary. I don't worry about what everything costs as long as it's affordable, and don't care a whit if she spends less on my kids or I spend less on hers or whatever.
Her kids have every toy known to man and honestly don't need me to send the another one, and when we just exchange gift cards I feel like why bother. I would be happy to go out and find something cute or fun or interesting for each of them, but she feels strongly that it should go with a collection or set or interest they already have, without duplicating anything they already have, and that's impossible without detailed lists.
To me this trend toward specific lists and "stick to the list" is very typical of the parenting trend that is 100% kid focused and always about making sure that everything is perfect for the kids so they don't suffer a moment's disappointment or ever have to shift priorities or change plans or whatever. We're raising a generation that expects to get what it wants when it wants it and cannot adapt to variation or disappointment.
Throw away the lists. Buy gifts within your budget that you think the recipient will enjoy. Recipients, no matter how young, be gracious and realize that gifts are serendipitous and not a perfect experience to which you are entitled.
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Post by pierogi on Nov 1, 2014 17:33:06 GMT
I've noticed a difference in the meaning of a list between my family and DH's family. My family sees a list as suggestion only. Our lists are often deliberately funny and list items that are not gift-able or are unrealistic, like the sable fur coat that has been on my mom's list for 30 years or the gift of a self-cleaning house that is on my list. But we make it fun - my dad often gets her things like sable brushes for oil painting and we all joke, 'you got your sable!' and similar. Lists are fun! DH's family sees a list as a "you must buy this" exercise, and DH gets mad at me if there are unrealistic things on my list or too much. I'm only supposed to list exactly what I expect the person to purchase for me. No fun at all! I must give MIL a specific list with links for DS, so she can get exactly (and all) of the items, so it becomes my job to divide the gifts so there are no repeats, make sure she gets him something that he'll be excited about, and manage her budget, all of which I resent having to do. Lists are a chore! My family's way is much more fun but it literally makes DH angry. I guess it's what you grow up with. I love how your family does lists! And I would find the "imaginary" requests both fun and useful, because they reflect the humor and personality of the author in such a way that you can come up with ideas for other gifts that they themselves haven't thought of. (Like the sable brushes and so on.) Gift giving in our family is seen as a fun adventure as well. |
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Post by gar on Nov 1, 2014 17:36:45 GMT
What Merge said. Mercenary - that's a good phrase.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Nov 1, 2014 17:39:05 GMT
. To me this trend toward specific lists and "stick to the list" is very typical of the parenting trend that is 100% kid focused and always about making sure that everything is perfect for the kids so they don't suffer a moment's disappointment or ever have to shift priorities or change plans or whatever. We're raising a generation that expects to get what it wants when it wants it and cannot adapt to variation or disappointment. This really spoke to me. It helped me see things a little clearer. Because it's so true. Especially in this situation. |
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Nov 1, 2014 17:40:19 GMT
They also take away the essence of gift giving at Christmas. I guess that depends on what the essence of gift giving is to you. It means different things to different people. So what is the essence of gift giving to you? Because I can't see how it comes from a list that tells you exactly what you're getting? Where's the surprise? Where's the wonder? Where's the joy of opening something and not knowing what it is? Because honestly, what's the point in giving if you already know what you're getting? |
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Post by gar on Nov 1, 2014 17:40:54 GMT
They also take away the essence of gift giving at Christmas. I guess that depends on what the essence of gift giving is to you. It means different things to different people. Indeed. @myshelley what do you think about the idea that several posters wrote about - that there are things out there that your kids would love but neither you, nor they, know exist, that they could be given something unique/hand made that they'd treasure forever or just something that had never occurred to you or them but which would be spontaneous fun or an unexpected hit? |
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bklyngal62
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,227
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Post by bklyngal62 on Nov 1, 2014 17:41:43 GMT
My side of the family is happy with anything they get ( and if they dont get anything, they are ok with that as well). They appreciate home made stuff, stuff from the dollar store, they appreciate anything and that's what makes it fun to shop for them. On the other hand on the other side of the family, it's EXPECTED that adults spend 50.00 or more per child. They especially LOVE cash and we have been told by a few that they want no gift cards. An Adult has told us that she would rather get a box of nice chocolates then a home made gift. They really take the joy out of the holiday  |
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 1, 2014 17:50:21 GMT
I think that depends on the age of the child. My kids LOVE gift cards. They love trying to figure out what to buy that will get them the most out of their money. My ILs give DH a gc to Cabela's every year and he spends weeks trying to figure out what to buy with it. Now, my kids love gifts too and my youngest seriously thinks everything he gets is the most awesome thing out there (my oldest barely registers at the time, but you can tell he loves it and after he processes, he will gush and gush), I'm just saying gc aren't all bad if they aren't demanded
And that is when I would be done with exchanging gifts.
Part of the fun of getting gifts is being surprised. Isn't that why we get disappointed if our kids snoop (and so do they)
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Post by myshelly on Nov 1, 2014 19:01:10 GMT
I guess that depends on what the essence of gift giving is to you. It means different things to different people. So what is the essence of gift giving to you? Because I can't see how it comes from a list that tells you exactly what you're getting? Where's the surprise? Where's the wonder? Where's the joy of opening something and not knowing what it is? Because honestly, what's the point in giving if you already know what you're getting? To me gift giving is more about wish fulfillment. It's about the moment a child opens a gift and you see that awesome happy expression on their face because they got something they really wanted (I don't care about or get joy from giving gifts to adults; I just don't really care about it). I don't like surprises. Nothing about surprise equals joy to me. I don't like being surprised and I don't like planning surprises for others. And really this just isn't a problem in my life bc everyone in the family asks for lists from us and give lists to us for them. |
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Post by myshelly on Nov 1, 2014 19:12:24 GMT
I guess that depends on what the essence of gift giving is to you. It means different things to different people. Indeed. @myshelley what do you think about the idea that several posters wrote about - that there are things out there that your kids would love but neither you, nor they, know exist, that they could be given something unique/hand made that they'd treasure forever or just something that had never occurred to you or them but which would be spontaneous fun or an unexpected hit? No one has ever given my kids a good surprise gift. Like when we have their big friend bday parties we obviously don't give all those people lists and we have a few distant aunts and uncles who aren't close enough to ask for or get lists. We are big toy enthusiasts and we shop a lot. It's really hard to find toys we don't have. My kids love to keep up with the toy industry online. They read manufacturer blogs and look at trade show videos and sneak peeks (the way scrapbookers would look at CHA news). They keep a calendar with the release dates of new Lego sets. They subscribe to the Disney Parks Merchandise Updates. Part of the problem is that because of toy industry trade show dates a ton of new toys start coming out mid-January, so there are relatively few new toys right before Christmas. This means that by the time it gets to Christmas there are very few toys from that year's lines that my kids don't have. For example, they love Lego Star Wars, but there are only 3 sets of Lego Star Wars from the current market line that we don't already own. The grandparents want me to divide them up and assign them. The grandparents don't care about shopping, they don't care about putting thought into gifts or surprises. They only care about the wish fulfillment aspect. |
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Post by gar on Nov 1, 2014 19:18:45 GMT
Ok.....to each their own. I don't think this conversation can really go any further  |
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Post by melanell on Nov 1, 2014 20:11:57 GMT
. To me this trend toward specific lists and "stick to the list" is very typical of the parenting trend that is 100% kid focused and always about making sure that everything is perfect for the kids so they don't suffer a moment's disappointment or ever have to shift priorities or change plans or whatever. We're raising a generation that expects to get what it wants when it wants it and cannot adapt to variation or disappointment. This really spoke to me. It helped me see things a little clearer. Because it's so true. Especially in this situation. See, I'm two-sided on this issue. I absolutely want my kids to appreciate anything they are given, and they really do seem to be. I don't use lists for my own kids. My kids do not make lists. *I* make up the lists/ideas that other ask us for. Yet when I'm giving gifts to others, I like lists & ideas because it goes along with my people-pleaser personality. And it doesn't have to be a kid. I work hard, really hard, to come up with ideas for the adults that I truly believe will work out best for them or that they will like the best, too, and sometimes that means asking others to give me ideas for their parents/adult siblings, etc. I never ask the actual gift recipient for ideas for their own gift. |
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:09:39 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2014 20:52:04 GMT
Probably because they are picking up on the fact that to you surprise=crap and it's becoming their way of thinking too. They aren't going to go through life being with people who subscribe to the same gift giving philosophy as you, how are they going to hide their disappointment if a future girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife wants to deviate from the prescribed list and make each gift giving occasion a surprise? How as a family will you handle that??
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Post by myshelly on Nov 1, 2014 21:03:24 GMT
Probably because they are picking up on the fact that to you surprise=crap and it's becoming their way of thinking too. They aren't going to go through life being with people who subscribe to the same gift giving philosophy as you, how are they going to hide their disappointment if a future girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife wants to deviate from the prescribed list and make each gift giving occasion a surprise? How as a family will you handle that?? Well as I said earlier gifting between adults means nothing to me. I'm only passionate about the list as it pertains to my kids. By the time my kids are old enough to have a husband or wife they'll be past the toy list stage. So I'm not really seeing the issue you're wondering about. Although I have to say of the people I know IRL about 90% are list and list only families, so it's definitely the prevalent school of thought in our circle. So maybe it'll never be an issue at all. |
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Post by anxiousmom on Nov 1, 2014 21:11:35 GMT
Some of my most favorite gifts have been the surprise gifts-I think that the people who are actually buying gifts for me know me well enough to know my quirks and find the coolest things.
But...then again, I grew up in a family that always brought home surprise gifts from vacations (not just parents...aunts, cousins, grandparents...not big stuff, just little thoughtful things) so surprise gifts are very much part of who we are, as a family. Or surprises just because. Just this week I had lunch with my mom. She had a bag of goodies for me, little things she has picked up here and there...a pair of flip flops, some lotion she knows I like, oddly-a can of black beans ( we eat them all time, but still curious LOL) and a few other little things. So surprise gifts are very much part of my family culture.
I suppose it could be considered part of our family's love language.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Nov 1, 2014 22:05:55 GMT
I have to tell my Mom exactly what to get because if I just give her a list of their wants, she buys everything on it, leaving nothing for me or anyone else in the family to buy anything. That's why I just give a few ideas to anyone who asks. Don't put all your ideas one list.  This is why I gave a different list with different items on them to all Amanda's grandmas. One year she got 2 of the same Harry Potter books. We always loved crafty things and still do.... When Amanda was in the first grade my mother in law came to visit and brought her a large bead buddy kit. That started a great thing for all of us. She loved it. My mom then took it and ran with it giving her beads and sting for every occasion. After all these years she has loved spending time making the bead buddies. My mom and I also liked making them with her. We still have a large basket full of bags of beads. We just sorted through them and she took the ones that we didn't want to her work and she is doing bead buddies with the kids. Crayons, colored pencils and any other kinds of coloring sticks are always welcome in our house. Color books and paper are always welcome too. I love to color and every year we got new coloring sticks and coloring books for Christmas. That is one enjoyment Amanda and I have always shared. Play dough was always fun and messy. but we did it at the dining room table and then cleaned up the mess when we were done. The great thing about making a mess is teaching them how to clean it up. we always loved to color Easter eggs. We didn't eat them enough to really do a lot of them so my mom started doing them with the residents at the retirement home she worked at and Amanda and I went and helped them. It was so much fun. She did this from the time she was in kindergarten until we moved when she was in the 3rd grade. she loved it and so did the residents. Messes are always welcome here as long as we have fun making them...... I would have loved to have the clay spin thing.... That sounds like a lot of fun.... |
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:09:39 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2014 22:11:18 GMT
If your children have nearly every toy and create a wish list for the few they don't have then regularly receive their wish list items at every holiday, where's the surprise exactly?
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Post by myshelly on Nov 1, 2014 22:14:07 GMT
If your children have nearly every toy and create a wish list for the few they don't have then regularly receive their wish list items at every holiday, where's the surprise exactly? Surprise isn't important to us. I just don't care about it. |
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