anonpea123
New Member
Posts: 3
Mar 3, 2021 2:11:27 GMT
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Post by anonpea123 on Mar 3, 2021 2:39:30 GMT
(Anon because family members read here - changing details that would identify the family.)
Hi Peas,
When my 7-year old daughter turned one, my parents opened a 529 college savings plan for her in the amount of $1000. (My husband and I also have a 529 plan for her.) We were appreciative of the gesture and plan to use the money to fund her college years in the future.
This weekend my mom mentioned to me that she and my dad would like to treat my family and my sister's family (sister, her husband, and my 5-year old nephew) to a family vacation once we are all vaccinated and it is safe to travel. As part of that conversation, my mom mentioned that there was something else she wanted to talk to me about.
It turns out that when my nephew turned one, my parents opened a 529 account for him, contributed $1000, and then have continued to contribute $50 monthly since then. My mom said that she feels bad about it, but that, at my daughter's first birthday when they told us about the 529 plan for her I said something like, "well she has plenty of money" and didn't even say thank you.
My daughter does have some money from the other side of the family that she was given when she was born ($5000) but it is not a lot in the world of paying for college, and I cannot imagine that I would have said "she has plenty of money." I also am sure that I would have said thank you and expressed my gratitude for the $1000 - we were and are grateful for it.
My parents just have these two grandchildren (my daughter and my nephew) and love them very much. My mom picks up my daughter from school one afternoon a week to spend time with her. She does not do this with my nephew because they live father away.
My dad is scrupulous with their finances and watches their expenditures every month to the penny. That means that every month since they set up my nephew's account, he has watched money go into the account for him, and known that he had another grandchild who was not being contributed to.
I am so hurt by all of this. My parents have since said that it was a big misunderstanding and that they will get my daughter's account caught up to where it would be if they had been contributing $50 month all along. They also think I am overreacting by being hurt. Am I? Any perspectives I am not seeing? I wish I could just say it is no big deal but I am so hurt that this had been going on for so long and they did not correct it. Need Pea advice!
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Mar 3, 2021 2:47:16 GMT
Your parents are at liberty to do with their funds whatever they choose. They also made a decision based on two families' different circumstances. Let it go!
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Post by cadoodlebug on Mar 3, 2021 2:47:17 GMT
Life is too short to continue to be upset about this. They said they would contribute to bring your DD up to the same amount as your nephew. Obviously it was a misunderstanding, doesn't matter who is at fault. Enjoy your parents and your vacation and be thankful they are in your lives. Many are not as lucky. JMHO of course.
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Post by stingfan on Mar 3, 2021 2:53:51 GMT
It sounds like they realize they've made a mistake and they're going to make it right. So that's all good.
I can understand being hurt though. I don't know how they think that being hurt is overreacting. Unless you've threatened to cut them out of your life or something. That would be overreacting. 🤣
Do you maybe feel like your sister is the 'favorite' and this is just more salt in that wound?
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Mar 3, 2021 3:03:32 GMT
Consider that your parents didn't have to open their mouths to tell you any of this. They could have kept quietly contributing to your nephew's account for the next 13 years and never breathed a word of it to you or your daughter.
They likely realized it was an oversight/misunderstanding and wanted to tell you about it-- and their plan to catch DD's account up-- before you heard about it from your sister. Can you see how much different this post would be if you had to tell us about this by hearing about it from your sister at some random time?
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Post by Crack-a-lackin on Mar 3, 2021 3:16:12 GMT
So for the last 7 years (6?) you’ve thought they had a 529 for her, but they never set it up? I understand you’re hurt but it sounds like they honestly thought you didn’t want it and their feelings have probably been hurt too. It’s good you were able to clear up the confusion now while they’re still alive and they’re able and willing to rectify it. Don’t ruin all that by hanging on to hurt feelings.
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smcast
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,505 
Location: MN
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Post by smcast on Mar 3, 2021 3:17:47 GMT
I totally understand your hurt feelings. My parents are always equal with the four grandchildren when it comes to money. I'm glad they said they'd "catch up" contributions but that can't make up for compounding interest. Not too much a person can do about that.
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Mar 3, 2021 3:20:42 GMT
So for the last 7 years (6?) you’ve thought they had a 529 for her, but they never set it up? I understand you’re hurt but it sounds like they honestly thought you didn’t want it and their feelings have probably been hurt too. It’s good you were able to clear up the confusion now while they’re still alive and they’re able and willing to rectify it. Don’t ruin all that by hanging on to hurt feelings. I think they set it up, but haven't contributed beyond the initial $1000 as they have been for her nephew. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Nov 4, 2024 18:36:32 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 3, 2021 3:24:20 GMT
Hearing your mom's explanation, even if her perception of what transpired may be incorrect, and their desire to fix the things now would be enough for me. Does it really matter whether your daughter received the money monthly vs in one lump sum? I think you need to ask yourself why it hurts so much. Is it because you think she favored your sister/her grandson more?
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styxgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,960
Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Mar 3, 2021 3:47:40 GMT
I know it's hard to not feel hurt over the situation. Please be forgiving. They based their decision on the info they believed at the time. Now that they know how you really feel and that you are grateful, they are willing to do their part to make it right. If both sides forgive openly and have no grudges they hold on to, it will be wonderful that you all have the chance to work it out. HUGS.
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Post by elaine on Mar 3, 2021 3:53:15 GMT
It all evens out in the end. 😀
If they are picking her up from school 4-5 times per month and spending the afternoon with her, they are most likely spending $50 per month (or more) in gas and snacks and entertainment on your daughter that isn’t being spent on your nephew.
You can choose to be hurt, but your parents are investing more in your daughter than in your nephew outside of 529 accounts (time, energy, memories). Your sister could choose to be hurt about that and hope that your parents find a way to ensure that all of that is equal too.
Not every relationship transaction will be identical and even and that is really okay. Clearly, they don’t love your daughter less, given that they choose to spend so much time with her. (((Hugs)))
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Post by gizzy on Mar 3, 2021 3:53:17 GMT
Whatever the misunderstanding was about, it sounds like they want to make it right. I think I would let it go.
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Post by Really Red on Mar 3, 2021 4:14:41 GMT
I'm sorry. They clearly love your daughter. That is the most important. They felt guilty and confessed. That is also important.
Put yourself in their shoes. They heard something you said and took it the wrong way (not the way you meant it). Maybe they felt hurt, too. They don't punish you or your daughter, but they thought to themselves, well, she's not grateful AND she has money so let's give our money to someone who appreciates it.
Clearly, this can all be solved with communication and your parents didn't do that with you. It's a good lesson for everyone. Don't keep stuff like that to yourself.
Also, think about a bad mistake you made. Any one. If you confessed and apologized sincerely, would you want someone to hold it against you?
Take some time. Feel bad, but move past it.
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anonpea123
New Member
Posts: 3
Mar 3, 2021 2:11:27 GMT
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Post by anonpea123 on Mar 3, 2021 4:20:19 GMT
This is exactly what I needed to hear - thank you all. (And to answer the question, yes they contributed the original $1000 but not beyond that, which they are working on fixing.)
You all have given me so many helpful ways to think about all. I think I was stuck in this loop of being hurt and didn't have the words to think about it another way, so thank you for helping me reframe my thinking. I truly don't want to be stuck in this - I want to let it go, and every comment here will help me do that. Thank you!
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Post by manda on Mar 3, 2021 4:28:42 GMT
It sounds like they were concerned they offended you for opening the account in the first place and it’s tough to remember what was said and how that impacted what they did going forward this many years later. I’m curious to know how this came out now but love that they want to fix it by truing up her account. I know I’m guilty of saying things in a way not intended and/or misreading what others say to me. In the end it’s their money and if they want to contribute more and you’re okay with that, accept and move on. FWIW, I asked my sisters about 529 accounts for their children we could contribute to instead of, or in addition to, Christmas gifts but they all said something that I interpreted as they didn’t want us to do that so I dropped it. Maybe my sisters were being nice and demure and I should push harder.  |
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Post by tryingtobewise on Mar 3, 2021 4:41:35 GMT
Hmmm it sounds like they were also hurt by your original unappreciative response. That’s the part I’d feel bad about if I was you. I don’t think anyone is “owed” anything.
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garcia5050
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,773
Location: So. Calif.
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Post by garcia5050 on Mar 3, 2021 4:44:18 GMT
This post could have been written by my brother. When my son turned 5, my mother put a very nice chunk of cash into a college account for my son. She hasn’t done anything for my brother’s kids. My brother went to good expensive schools and my parents paid a ton for that. I had a job and paid my own way at state schools. My mom said she invested enough in him and that’s why only my kids are getting college funds.
I agree that your mom might have a host of reasons for doing what she did. I have no idea if my brother knows. I’m certainly not telling him.
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Post by beaglemom on Mar 3, 2021 5:40:49 GMT
I totally understand your hurt and validate it. I do think it is nice that your mom came clean and is trying to make amends. I would have your daughter write them a thank you note telling them how much she appreciates it.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Mar 3, 2021 9:18:52 GMT
Saying this gently, but you are not entitled to their money, and their gifting doesn't need to be even Steven.
I do find it rude that they mentioned the difference in giving, though. Why say anything, ya know?
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Post by pierkiss on Mar 3, 2021 10:44:20 GMT
Yes I would be hurt and upset by this revelation. I don’t think you are wrong to feel that way.
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Post by mikklynn on Mar 3, 2021 13:01:06 GMT
I'd be hurt, too. I am glad you are letting it go. I am guessing this has bothered your mother for a long time, so it's good to have it in the open and move on.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Mar 3, 2021 13:20:06 GMT
What elaine said up above. You’re daughter is getting something from your parents that your nephew is not. No money in the world can match that. I’d also rethink how your parents must have been hurt at your comment about the other side of the family providing more, making them feel the $1000 was either unneeded or less than. |
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,919
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Mar 3, 2021 15:20:07 GMT
I'm glad you are taking to heart what people are telling you here. Your parents sound like generous, terrific people and I wouldn't waste one more minute being mad at them.
I know we hate it when people say this here, but now that I have lost both of my parents? These things seem so small and petty. Embrace having loving parents and move on.
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peabrain
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,588
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Post by peabrain on Mar 3, 2021 15:34:17 GMT
Is it possible in your state to reorganize the 529s?
My mother's financial advisor was able to restructure the 529's in our family. It may be worth some phone calls to see.
I'm sorry it stings.
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Post by myboysnme on Mar 3, 2021 15:39:53 GMT
The lesson for me here is when someone gifts money, especially in the neighborhood of $1000, it is necessary to be effusive with thanks, so there is never any doubt that I am appreciative of the generosity.
I have a bank account for DGD. Its in her dad's name and my name. I guess I should do a 529 but frankly, I don't know that I won't need that money if some tragedy befalls me. It would be fabulous to give it to my grandchildren at some point but I promise nothing. Right now I have some money but someday I may not.
In this case with parents offering to make up the money that is really very generous of them and I would bring it up from time to time to say that you appreciate their generosity, especially if they will be making monthly contributions.
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Post by scrapmaven on Mar 3, 2021 15:42:02 GMT
Money can destroy a family. Your dd has wonderful, loving grandparents who dote on her. I doubt she's missing anything. Who cares about the $$? It's very kind of your parents to make it up to you. Don't ever let money interfere in your familial relationships. Money won't bring back a lost loved one and all the money in the world can't replace your dd's fond memories of her grandma and grandpa. Go on the vacation, strive to have an even closer relationship w/your mom and dad and be grateful that you have such generous parents. |
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paigepea
Drama Llama
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Posts: 5,609
Location: BC, Canada
Jun 26, 2014 4:28:55 GMT
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Post by paigepea on Mar 3, 2021 16:02:51 GMT
(Anon because family members read here - changing details that would identify the family.) Hi Peas, When my 7-year old daughter turned one, my parents opened a 529 college savings plan for her in the amount of $1000. (My husband and I also have a 529 plan for her.) We were appreciative of the gesture and plan to use the money to fund her college years in the future. This weekend my mom mentioned to me that she and my dad would like to treat my family and my sister's family (sister, her husband, and my 5-year old nephew) to a family vacation once we are all vaccinated and it is safe to travel. As part of that conversation, my mom mentioned that there was something else she wanted to talk to me about. It turns out that when my nephew turned one, my parents opened a 529 account for him, contributed $1000, and then have continued to contribute $50 monthly since then. My mom said that she feels bad about it, but that, at my daughter's first birthday when they told us about the 529 plan for her I said something like, "well she has plenty of money" and didn't even say thank you. My daughter does have some money from the other side of the family that she was given when she was born ($5000) but it is not a lot in the world of paying for college, and I cannot imagine that I would have said "she has plenty of money." I also am sure that I would have said thank you and expressed my gratitude for the $1000 - we were and are grateful for it. My parents just have these two grandchildren (my daughter and my nephew) and love them very much. My mom picks up my daughter from school one afternoon a week to spend time with her. She does not do this with my nephew because they live father away. My dad is scrupulous with their finances and watches their expenditures every month to the penny. That means that every month since they set up my nephew's account, he has watched money go into the account for him, and known that he had another grandchild who was not being contributed to. I am so hurt by all of this. My parents have since said that it was a big misunderstanding and that they will get my daughter's account caught up to where it would be if they had been contributing $50 month all along. They also think I am overreacting by being hurt. Am I? Any perspectives I am not seeing? I wish I could just say it is no big deal but I am so hurt that this had been going on for so long and they did not correct it. Need Pea advice! I say let it go and let them contribute now if they want to. My mom does a lot for other grandkids when she sees them but she sees mine more. Time spent together is the most important thing. The money will even out in the end if your parents have good intentions. Take a breath and let it go. |
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Post by guzismom on Mar 3, 2021 16:05:24 GMT
Life is too short to continue to be upset about this. They said they would contribute to bring your DD up to the same amount as your nephew. Obviously it was a misunderstanding, doesn't matter who is at fault. Enjoy your parents and your vacation and be thankful they are in your lives. Many are not as lucky. JMHO of course. Spot on. |
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Post by tuva42 on Mar 3, 2021 16:09:37 GMT
I appears that your mother misunderstood your response when they donated the money. I expect things were hectic at the party when they told you of the gift, you have received other money from other family members and probably said something like "Wow, now she has lots of money" meaning, what a lucky girl she is. Your mom interpreted it as "other people already gave her plenty of money."
Her feelings were hurt but now, she feels guilty and she'd like to make up the difference. I think its time to forgive and forget.
Also, that $5K the other relatives gave her isn't much NOW for college, but if you put it in the 529 it would be worth a lot more by college time.
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Post by disneypal on Mar 3, 2021 20:51:48 GMT
I can see why you were hurt. However, you mom didn't have to tell you this info about your nephew and has said that she will make up your daughter's account. Therefore, while initially hurt, be grateful and thank your folks for discussing it with you and catching up her account.
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