Deleted
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Jun 30, 2024 19:02:24 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2021 15:05:01 GMT
I think it’s your SIL who took advantage and I’d be a little pissed that she took the liberty to invite a friend without checking with you first. Perhaps your SIL set the tone and has behaved the same way with her friend’s family?
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Post by craftedbys on Apr 14, 2021 15:10:33 GMT
Hang on for one hot second.
The whole not paying for anything is secondary to the fact that your SIL invited someone you don't know very well to stay AT your home UNINVITED while we are still in the middle of a freaking GLOBAL PANDEMIC.
I don't know where everyone in this situation lives, but there are some places that are still being hit pretty hard and vaccinations are low/slow in some places.
Your SIL started this whole rudeness and then it just snowballed into rudeness overload. You need to start off being pissed at SIL.
Oh, and when she texted you that she invited someone else to stay with you, you should have uninvited her immediately, an no, that would not have been rude on your part.
Just my 2 cents.
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QueenoftheSloths
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Member Since January 2004, 2,698 forum posts PeaNut Number: 122614 PeaBoard Title: StuckOnPeas
Posts: 5,955
Jun 26, 2014 0:29:24 GMT
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on Apr 14, 2021 15:12:46 GMT
You need to be more of an advocate for yourself. Stop letting people take advantage of you.
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ashley
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,400
Jun 17, 2016 12:36:53 GMT
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Post by ashley on Apr 14, 2021 15:13:52 GMT
Is this the same visitor you had issues with previously? Perhaps it is time to come up with a game plan of your expectations with guests as it seems to cause you a lot of duress. Practice different ways to say no.
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Post by disneypal on Apr 14, 2021 15:18:56 GMT
I would expect each person to pay for their own dining out meals and if her friend couldn't afford it then SIL could pick up the tab.
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Post by ~summer~ on Apr 14, 2021 15:20:53 GMT
You should have let her pay for herself. Or requested she Venmo you. You could still send her a text and request she Venmo you for specific meals.
ETA - I also would not have let a stranger stay at my house and tag along everywhere - that’s weird.
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Post by KiwiJo on Apr 14, 2021 15:26:13 GMT
SIL did pay for one meal, a meal after friend left. I don't mind paying for SIL, she is family. But a person I have met maybe 3 times? Next time, God forbid, I will tell the server at the start to split the checks. I mean what a wonderful vacation for friend. All she paid for was a few pastries and gas to get here. Must be nice. She has money, that is not a issue. Getting the payment clear at the beginning would have made it better for everyone. In my circles it is a given that we each pay for ourselves - maybe it is in her social circle too. So she is suddenly in a situation where someone pays for everyone’s meals, more than once. What is she going to do? I know I would have been really uncomfortable and would not have known what to do. I couldn’t afford to pay for everyone’s meal, but equally I couldn’t ask everyone to pay for their own, and nor could I suggest that I pay for my own & everyone else can work things out amongst each other. Not when I am the newbie to the group. It’s exactly this sort of situation that makes me so uncomfortable in social situations.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Apr 14, 2021 15:30:09 GMT
I’m pretty assertive, so I don’t get seething over a situation and being mad later. You had lots of opportunities to make it right in the moment. I think this is maybe the crux-what level of assertiveness are you comfortable with? I am pretty assertive and will speak up in almost any situation especially in one like this. But if you are not, or if you were worried about ticking off SIL or didn't want to cause drama, ect...maybe that impacts speaking up. I helped my friend with this, as she was uncomfortable saying "no" a lot, and we literally practiced her saying things like, "No, I am sorry that doesn't work for me." and other phrases like that. She was being a rug and especially trampled over by her MIL. I agree, and would add that the unexpectedness of the friend being tossed into the mix without notice would catch me off guard too making it harder to say no, which was very likely the SIL’s intention. It was very rude and inconsiderate of SIL to put the OP in that position of having to either be the bad guy and say no or be the doormat and grudgingly agree.
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edie3
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Post by edie3 on Apr 14, 2021 15:33:44 GMT
Yeah, this is the SIL I made cry at Christmas who brought her dog. And I would not expect the friend to pay for everyone's meal, but at least her own. I need a stronger backbone that is true, especially when it comes to DH's family.
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Gennifer
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Jun 26, 2014 8:22:26 GMT
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Post by Gennifer on Apr 14, 2021 15:34:09 GMT
You teach people how to treat you.
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Post by workingclassdog on Apr 14, 2021 15:35:54 GMT
Yep... she totally had a 'free' vacation.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Apr 14, 2021 15:38:54 GMT
SIL did pay for one meal, a meal after friend left. I don't mind paying for SIL, she is family. But a person I have met maybe 3 times? Next time, God forbid, I will tell the server at the start to split the checks. I mean what a wonderful vacation for friend. All she paid for was a few pastries and gas to get here. Must be nice. She has money, that is not a issue. Getting the payment clear at the beginning would have made it better for everyone. In my circles it is a given that we each pay for ourselves - maybe it is in her social circle too. So she is suddenly in a situation where someone pays for everyone’s meals, more than once. What is she going to do? I know I would have been really uncomfortable and would not have known what to do. I couldn’t afford to pay for everyone’s meal, but equally I couldn’t ask everyone to pay for their own, and nor could I suggest that I pay for my own & everyone else can work things out amongst each other. Not when I am the newbie to the group. It’s exactly this sort of situation that makes me so uncomfortable in social situations. The way I see it though is like this. I would pick up the tab for the group for at least one nice meal, knowing that if I had been paying for my own meals all along I likely would have spent at least that much on myself if the tabs had been split. And if I truly wasn’t able to afford paying for myself for the duration of the trip, why am I even tagging along? Sounds like the OP provided free lodging, probably breakfast and coffee/beverages, obviously drove and paid for gas for some day trips, etc. so all of that cost the tagalong friend nothing. I would have felt horrible to not genuinely offer to pay for a tank of gas, pick up the check for lunch or dinner out, at least something because I didn’t have to pay for the other stuff.
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ashley
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Jun 17, 2016 12:36:53 GMT
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Post by ashley on Apr 14, 2021 15:39:22 GMT
Yeah, this is the SIL I made cry at Christmas who brought her dog. And I would not expect the friend to pay for everyone's meal, but at least her own. I need a stronger backbone that is true, especially when it comes to DH's family. Does your DH also feel annoyed about his sister’s behaviours? It’s an awkward issue to deal with, and even worse if the two of you don’t agree.
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Post by KiwiJo on Apr 14, 2021 15:40:49 GMT
Yeah, this is the SIL I made cry at Christmas who brought her dog. And I would not expect the friend to pay for everyone's meal, but at least her own. I need a stronger backbone that is true, especially when it comes to DH's family. But how does that actually work? When it looks as though someone is going to pay for the group’s meal, do you really expect one person from the group to say “I will pay for myself”?
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edie3
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Post by edie3 on Apr 14, 2021 15:41:13 GMT
Does your DH also feel annoyed about his sister’s behaviours? Of course we don't agree on it, so that makes it even harder.
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kibblesandbits
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Aug 13, 2016 13:47:39 GMT
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Post by kibblesandbits on Apr 14, 2021 15:45:10 GMT
Yeah, this is the SIL I made cry at Christmas who brought her dog. And I would not expect the friend to pay for everyone's meal, but at least her own. I need a stronger backbone that is true, especially when it comes to DH's family. Okay, now I know why this all sounded so familiar. YOU need to get it together and quit being your DH's family doormat.
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kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
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Aug 13, 2016 13:47:39 GMT
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Post by kibblesandbits on Apr 14, 2021 15:46:06 GMT
Does your DH also feel annoyed about his sister’s behaviours? Of course we don't agree on it, so that makes it even harder. But, what does he say about it all?
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Deleted
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Jun 30, 2024 19:02:24 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2021 15:48:20 GMT
I think I would've let her pay for something when she offered. If you thought she was bluffing, call her bluff and let her pay. Just say "oh, thank you!" when she offered.
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Post by scrapmaven on Apr 14, 2021 15:48:56 GMT
My sil taught me a really effective tool for being on a girl's trip. In this case, everyone stayed at your house, but you were doing day trips w/meals out. At the beginning of the trip you start a kitty. Then everyone puts in the same amount and you pull from that to pay for meals. Though if I stayed at your house I would be embarrassed not to buy you at least one meal. If I could afford it I would take you out for a really nice dinner in exchange for your hospitality.
Sounds like she took a trip that she couldn't afford or she's just rude or both.
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Post by KiwiJo on Apr 14, 2021 15:49:10 GMT
Getting the payment clear at the beginning would have made it better for everyone. In my circles it is a given that we each pay for ourselves - maybe it is in her social circle too. So she is suddenly in a situation where someone pays for everyone’s meals, more than once. What is she going to do? I know I would have been really uncomfortable and would not have known what to do. I couldn’t afford to pay for everyone’s meal, but equally I couldn’t ask everyone to pay for their own, and nor could I suggest that I pay for my own & everyone else can work things out amongst each other. Not when I am the newbie to the group. It’s exactly this sort of situation that makes me so uncomfortable in social situations. The way I see it though is like this. I would pick up the tab for the group for at least one nice meal, knowing that if I had been paying for my own meals all along I likely would have spent at least that much on myself if the tabs had been split. And if I truly wasn’t able to afford paying for myself for the duration of the trip, why am I even tagging along? Sounds like the OP provided free lodging, probably breakfast and coffee/beverages, obviously drove and paid for gas for some day trips, etc. so all of that cost the tagalong friend nothing. I would have felt horrible to not genuinely offer to pay for a tank of gas, pick up the check for lunch or dinner out, at least something because I didn’t have to pay for the other stuff. Oh I absolutely agree with you about the whole thing of staying with the OP, and therefore taking advantage of her generosity providing breakfast, petrol etc. It’s just the actual mechanics of the meals out that I struggle with. And I get what you mean about the cost of individual meals maybe equalling the cost of one group meal - but that needs to be sorted out at the beginning otherwise each person has their own interpretation of what “should” happen and it gets awkward - as in the OP’s post. It can be really really difficult for some of us to be the newbie in a group of people who already seem to know what’s expected between the group as a whole.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Apr 14, 2021 15:54:10 GMT
I think she was probably taking her cues on what was expected from your SIL and as you paid for her meals thought that was what was expected. I agree with several previous posters that letting it continue all weekend and then being pissed off, isn't good for anyone. If after the first meal or two you realized there was a disconnect in expectations, you absolutely should have asked for separate bills or pulled your SIL aside and said, hey tell your freeloading friend to pony up some cash.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Apr 14, 2021 15:55:29 GMT
The way I see it though is like this. I would pick up the tab for the group for at least one nice meal, knowing that if I had been paying for my own meals all along I likely would have spent at least that much on myself if the tabs had been split. And if I truly wasn’t able to afford paying for myself for the duration of the trip, why am I even tagging along? Sounds like the OP provided free lodging, probably breakfast and coffee/beverages, obviously drove and paid for gas for some day trips, etc. so all of that cost the tagalong friend nothing. I would have felt horrible to not genuinely offer to pay for a tank of gas, pick up the check for lunch or dinner out, at least something because I didn’t have to pay for the other stuff. Oh I absolutely agree with you about the whole thing of staying with the OP, and therefore taking advantage of her generosity providing breakfast, petrol etc. It’s just the actual mechanics of the meals out that I struggle with. And I get what you mean about the cost of individual meals maybe equalling the cost of one group meal - but that needs to be sorted out at the beginning otherwise each person has their own interpretation of what “should” happen and it gets awkward - as in the OP’s post. It can be really really difficult for some of us to be the newbie in a group of people who already seem to know what’s expected between the group as a whole. I would just insist on paying for *something*, which is what I always do when friends and I have traveled together. I would be horrified to just skate by and do nothing and let someone treat me to meals and outings all weekend, especially if I didn’t know them well and I was staying at their house. But then again, I also wouldn’t ever invite myself to tag along with a friend and take advantage of a near complete stranger’s generosity either.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Apr 14, 2021 16:03:08 GMT
I don't think most people struggle to figure out how to pay for their meal - they ask to see the bill and either put down cash to cover their meal or put down a credit card and ask the server to split the bill. And I will acknowledge that the guest may have been genuinely confused when the OP was paying for the SILs meals. If family comes and visits, we host. We love when people make the effort to come and see us and as it is an effort, paying for meals is no biggie - they have either paid for a flight or endured a multiple day drive. Now typically, someone finds a way to snag the bill and pay for a dinner - my cousin is an expert at this and it's been a bit of a competition who can discretely corner the server and pay the bill first. And if someone insists, we will allow them to pay for a meal - but we really do expect to pay while they're staying with us. And they're welcome to bring tag alongs - the more the merrier.
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schizo319
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Jun 28, 2014 0:26:58 GMT
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Post by schizo319 on Apr 14, 2021 16:10:28 GMT
I'd be irritated at SIL for inviting her friend, and my DH for not backing me up when it came to his sister. But I'd probably be most pissed at myself for not speaking up and 1) telling SIL no to the additional guest and 2) not taking friend up on her offer to pay. The free-loading friend is the last person I would be mad at in this scenario.
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Deleted
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Jun 30, 2024 19:02:24 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2021 16:22:09 GMT
Yeah, this is the SIL I made cry at Christmas who brought her dog. And I would not expect the friend to pay for everyone's meal, but at least her own. I need a stronger backbone that is true, especially when it comes to DH's family. But how does that actually work? When it looks as though someone is going to pay for the group’s meal, do you really expect one person from the group to say “I will pay for myself”? I've done something similar, with family. Let's call him A. A told me they love eating out with X because they always pay. So the next time we (DH, the kids, and I) were with A and his family and X and his wife, A said "Hey, let's go out to eat." When we got to the restaurant, I pointed to DH and my kids and said to the server, "The four of us are on one bill." The server then looked at X and said "And you're with...?" So X pointed at his wife and said "her." So A paid for his family by default. I don't feel bad about what I did. I'd been trying to think of how to deal with it, and I realized I don't have to "deal" with it: I just pay for my family and call it good. If A can't afford to go out to dinner, then he shouldn't have brought up going out. And if X had *wanted* to pay for everyone, then when I said "we're one bill," X would have spoken up to say "oh wait, it's our treat!" He didn't, so...*shrug* I have friends who like to eat at restaurants where you pay and then sit (like Panera) because then the bill issue isn't an issue. I have friends who have money and want to pay for dinner whenever we go out--gifts are their love language and they also just like to eat out. They get offended if I try to pay ("put that away! WE asked YOU out to dinner! This is our treat!") With most of my friends, we decide before going out what "let's go out to dinner" means. But that's the thing: communication. It seems the OP and her spouse have a lack of communication between them and the SIL.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Apr 14, 2021 16:25:49 GMT
My SIL came to visit us. She has a friend who lives about 2 hours away from us, so she came to visit too. who invited this friend? your SIL, or you? You're the hosts, not your SIL. Did you agree to this person visiting? But yeah, I would have taken her up on the paying. If she offered at all, let her pay. eta: I just read farther- And SIL texted me and said "Friend is coming, I hope that is okay." What do you do at that point?You say What are you thinking? NO, it is NOT okay-- At least hat's what I would have said. We have a small house, no real guest space, and we don't do a lot of 'hosting' anyway, let along someone who's technically uninvited!
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Post by ~summer~ on Apr 14, 2021 16:27:48 GMT
Yeah, this is the SIL I made cry at Christmas who brought her dog. And I would not expect the friend to pay for everyone's meal, but at least her own. I need a stronger backbone that is true, especially when it comes to DH's family. But how does that actually work? When it looks as though someone is going to pay for the group’s meal, do you really expect one person from the group to say “I will pay for myself”? absolutely. I can’t imagine letting a stranger pay for my meal - and even friend/family I would want to pay for myself. I would either hand them cash or I’d pay them via Venmo or PayPal. I don’t see the issue at all.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Apr 14, 2021 16:44:27 GMT
But how does that actually work? When it looks as though someone is going to pay for the group’s meal, do you really expect one person from the group to say “I will pay for myself”? absolutely. I can’t imagine letting a stranger pay for my meal - and even friend/family I would want to pay for myself. I would either hand them cash or I’d pay them via Venmo or PayPal. I don’t see the issue at all. or at the very least, you ask what the total is, and you split it equally between the # of people, if everything was generally the same sorts of prices. If the total bill (+ tip) comes to $65, and there's 4 of you, then you divide $65 / 4. The OP and her DH would pay for half, and the SIL and friend would each pay for their 1/4 of the total. It's probably not accurate to the penny, but it's at least a general split. (65/4 comes to 16.25, so in that case, SIL and friend would probably each put in $17 or $20 towards the total, because the OP and DH drove.)
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Post by bc2ca on Apr 14, 2021 16:47:51 GMT
Does your DH also feel annoyed about his sister’s behaviours? Of course we don't agree on it, so that makes it even harder. I'd be more annoyed at DH than the friend in this situation. FWIW, my DH makes it very hard for guests to pay for a meal out and I've had to talk to him about it many times.
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tracylynn
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Jun 26, 2014 22:49:09 GMT
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Post by tracylynn on Apr 14, 2021 16:49:31 GMT
I would have shut it down at the friend coming to be honest.
And if for whatever reason that didn't work, then at restaurants when the waiter came up the first time I would have spoken up and said "We'll be separate checks tonight, my husband and I will be on one ticket ..." and then I would have looked at SIL and friend for them to decide what they were doing.
And if for some reason that didn't work, when friend offered to pay ... "Great, thank you." And then you do nothing.
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