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Post by gramasue on Apr 14, 2021 17:15:27 GMT
Hang on for one hot second. The whole not paying for anything is secondary to the fact that your SIL invited someone you don't know very well to stay AT your home UNINVITED while we are still in the middle of a freaking GLOBAL PANDEMIC. I don't know where everyone in this situation lives, but there are some places that are still being hit pretty hard and vaccinations are low/slow in some places. Your SIL started this whole rudeness and then it just snowballed into rudeness overload. You need to start off being pissed at SIL. Oh, and when she texted you that she invited someone else to stay with you, you should have uninvited her immediately, an no, that would not have been rude on your part. Just my 2 cents. This! Exactly! I'll throw my 2 cents in here, too.
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Post by Crack-a-lackin on Apr 14, 2021 17:21:40 GMT
The paying for the friend would annoy me but I wouldn’t be mad at the friend, I would be mad at SIL - it’s her friend, she should pay if the friend isn’t. Or mad at myself for not speaking up.
Overall I would extend the friend some grace. Some people don’t have a lot of experience in these situations. I’ve always found it awkward paying for gas unless we actually stop at a station along the way. Besides, you would have been using the same gas if she were there or not. I certainly would have paid for my own food, and now I would have picked up the entire check but I’m not sure if I would have 20 years ago when I didn’t necessarily have that much money (and a check for an entire family seems like a lot if you’re not used to it). I find it completely odd that she stayed with you, even aside from the pandemic, unless you have a giant house with several guest bedrooms I would have stayed in a hotel.
BTW, this is the perfect example of why I always carry some cash. She could have put down a few $20s , which I assume would overpay for her dinner and cover some of yours or SIL’s, without having to commit to the entire bill.
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Post by miominmio on Apr 14, 2021 17:28:31 GMT
Yes, it would.
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Post by Really Red on Apr 14, 2021 17:40:00 GMT
Ugh. I had a SIL like that. I didn't see her often enough to make a fuss, so I let her walk all over me a lot. She wasn't mean at all, but she was extremely self-centered. Oh, the stories I could tell, starting off with her stranding her brother and me in Milano - no car, no money! But if I saw her often, I would not. I can see why edie3 struggles because she doesn't have any backup. So Edie, of course it is rude and it would piss me off, but I think you can also see where (unfortunately) you have some of the blame. The SIL is a piece of work and some of the Peas' responses are excellent for her, but once you allow the guest to come, you can pay once and the next time, you ask for separate checks. So responsibility IMHO: Husband 100%. You might stand up to SIL if he had your back. SIL 100%. She is UNBELIEVABLY rude Guest 50%. She was in an awkward position. Who knows what SIL told her? She offered once and should have insisted on paying her share, but she was in a weird position You also 50%. You are stuck with some things because of your husband. But there are times when you could also have spoken up. Hope this prepares you for the next time. Because there will be a next time. ETA: Can you please tell us how old this SIL is? Does she have kids? We know she has a dog!
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Post by LilyRose on Apr 14, 2021 17:40:23 GMT
Yeah, this is the SIL I made cry at Christmas who brought her dog. And I would not expect the friend to pay for everyone's meal, but at least her own. I need a stronger backbone that is true, especially when it comes to DH's family. I don’t mean to offend you by saying this, but your SIL has quite a set of balls on her.
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Post by KiwiJo on Apr 14, 2021 17:57:21 GMT
But how does that actually work? When it looks as though someone is going to pay for the group’s meal, do you really expect one person from the group to say “I will pay for myself”? absolutely. I can’t imagine letting a stranger pay for my meal - and even friend/family I would want to pay for myself. I would either hand them cash or I’d pay them via Venmo or PayPal. I don’t see the issue at all. I guess my (diagnosed) social anxiety is really showing up here! ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/MNrJDkDuSwqIMVw33MdD.jpg) I simply would not know how to do that. How to speak up and be the odd one out of a group where one person was paying for everyone else. Of course it is highly unlikely I would be in this whole particular circumstance because I hate staying with other people and avoid it like the plague, but being the odd one out in a group during a meal can happen. I haven’t been able to work out why the OP didn’t let the person pay after they offered, and then why she became upset because they hadn’t paid. I wouldn’t know what to do if my offer to help/pay/whatever was rejected and then the host was annoyed that I hadn’t done whatever it was.
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Post by rockymtnpea on Apr 14, 2021 18:13:58 GMT
Why didn’t you get separate checks when out to eat? Especially after the first time you were ‘stuck’ paying?
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Post by austnscrapaddict on Apr 14, 2021 18:19:59 GMT
People like that annoy the living daylights out of me. I am pretty extreme to the opposite. I want no one to pay for things for me, or feel like I've taken advantage of them in any way, shape or form. I agree with those that suggest to have thing split next time, or at least lay it out in advance. When I go to visit my son that lives out of state, I often stay with my best friend a few nights. I always take them out to dinner and buy her flowers, a gift, etc. and will put a few groceries in the house to replace what I used.
I have one friend that leans toward this way, she never replies when asked how the bill should be split, never offers to buy dinner, never offers to drive. contribute to anything, etc. She hosted a gathering last week, 5 of us rotate monthly craft/charity gatherings at each of our houses. It was her turn last week, We have dinner, nothing fancy, but sufficient, wine and desert. She had one small appetizer she put in the mini crock pot, a slice of cheese and 2 bottles of wine, with some Ghiradelli squares of chocolate for desert. Everyone left hungry and disappointed. But how to we suggest she up her game? Ah well,
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Post by papersilly on Apr 14, 2021 18:20:27 GMT
we wouldn't mind hosting family but tag-a-long friends, no. that would annoy me. your SIL should have popped for her friend's expenses since she was really hosting her friend by bringing her along.
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Post by nlwilkins on Apr 14, 2021 18:25:02 GMT
I would have been suggesting we eat at home instead of out. If we were taking a little side trip and needed to eat while out, I would have packed lunches to make a point. If SIL or her guest suggested stopping at a restaurant to eat instead, I would have said that by packing lunches, we would be able to afford to do more.
I don't have problems cooking for other people in my home and expect to do so. Eating out can be so expensive.
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Post by hop2 on Apr 14, 2021 18:36:15 GMT
she said the words but didn't actually make a move to do it This. We do not know her that well, and I just could not imagine letting people pay for my meals. I wouldn't want her to pay for everyone's meal, but at least her own. And no we are not rich. And SIL texted me and said "Friend is coming, I hope that is okay." What do you do at that point? No, it’s not okay, it’s a pandemic <<<<< that would have been my response Now, as for the paying for the meals in restaurants, I would be muffed too. Which is saying a lot because I was raised to pay for restaurant bills when I go out. I was raised that you don’t quibble over who had what and you don’t stress the wait staff and you just either split equally or you just pay. I get miffed when people invited pay. I invited you damnit I’m paying. BUT you didn’t invite her. It seems you didn’t have a clue she was coming. Takes balls I guess.
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Post by hop2 on Apr 14, 2021 18:43:05 GMT
My sil taught me a really effective tool for being on a girl's trip. In this case, everyone stayed at your house, but you were doing day trips w/meals out. At the beginning of the trip you start a kitty. Then everyone puts in the same amount and you pull from that to pay for meals. Though if I stayed at your house I would be embarrassed not to buy you at least one meal. If I could afford it I would take you out for a really nice dinner in exchange for your hospitality. Sounds like she took a trip that she couldn't afford or she's just rude or both. Right? It’s embarrassing not to pay for your host at least once! That’s how I was raised. My niece makes it very difficult even hiding money in my car. I just resorted to buying my nieces husband some alcohol & bringing it when I go. And stopping at the butcher for something to bring. Lol
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Post by 950nancy on Apr 14, 2021 18:46:14 GMT
My sil taught me a really effective tool for being on a girl's trip. In this case, everyone stayed at your house, but you were doing day trips w/meals out. At the beginning of the trip you start a kitty. Then everyone puts in the same amount and you pull from that to pay for meals. Though if I stayed at your house I would be embarrassed not to buy you at least one meal. If I could afford it I would take you out for a really nice dinner in exchange for your hospitality. Sounds like she took a trip that she couldn't afford or she's just rude or both. I've done this with girl trips to Vegas where there are sometimes shared expenses. Everyone puts $ into an envelope and then that money is used for taxis and other group fees. If someone drives to the airport 90 miles away, they get some back for tolls and the last of the money is paid for airport parking. Your SIL was rude and it makes it even more difficult when you and your spouse don't agree. I have a spouse who will also bend over backwards for family and it isn't always reciprocated. OP, there isn't anything you can do about it now (IMO), so just plan for what you will say next time your SIL arrives. Have a conversation with your spouse prior to the visit.
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Post by Lexica on Apr 14, 2021 19:29:10 GMT
My sil taught me a really effective tool for being on a girl's trip. In this case, everyone stayed at your house, but you were doing day trips w/meals out. At the beginning of the trip you start a kitty. Then everyone puts in the same amount and you pull from that to pay for meals. Though if I stayed at your house I would be embarrassed not to buy you at least one meal. If I could afford it I would take you out for a really nice dinner in exchange for your hospitality. Sounds like she took a trip that she couldn't afford or she's just rude or both. I am stealing this suggestion. It is a very effective way of handling things. Well, unless you have one person in the group who is a lobster and champagne person while the others are salad and 1 glass of wine people. I guess you just need to know your companions.
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Post by nine on Apr 14, 2021 19:50:10 GMT
It would not piss me off. I would not have given it an extra thought. How much were her meals? And the long trips, would you try to prarse out how much everyone weighed and the figure out who owed what on the gas? Just forget about it.
i wanted to add...my son’s girlfriend brought her roommate. They stayed for a week. It was over Christmas so I bought this girl the same number of gifts I bought his girlfriend. And nice restaurants and trips. Just be generous with people.
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Post by pierkiss on Apr 14, 2021 20:27:31 GMT
There are lots of things that piss me off about the OPs post. The least of which is that the uninvited friend didn’t pay for things.
Covid is still a thing.
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Post by Really Red on Apr 14, 2021 21:00:56 GMT
It would not piss me off. I would not have given it an extra thought. How much were her meals? And the long trips, would you try to prarse out how much everyone weighed and the figure out who owed what on the gas? Just forget about it. i wanted to add...my son’s girlfriend brought her roommate. They stayed for a week. It was over Christmas so I bought this girl the same number of gifts I bought his girlfriend. And nice restaurants and trips. Just be generous with people. This is super sweet. I am sure the roommate was grateful. However, not everyone can afford to do things like that.
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edie3
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Post by edie3 on Apr 14, 2021 21:10:02 GMT
Y'all have given me a lot to think about, thanks for your opinions.
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Post by myboysnme on Apr 14, 2021 21:27:47 GMT
When I visited my friends and stayed with them in Texas, I paid for everything, gas, food whatever. My DH and I are going again this summer and I told him to start saving because we will pay for everything. We are staying there free of charge, using utilities and being driven around.
Only if she is very very poor and SIL knows it so she could pick up the tab on behalf of her friend, then she should have paid for all of her own meals and at LEAST one of yours as a guest thank you.
I hate having house guests. I have not had any for many years. I have had friends bring other friends. I no longer extend any invitations.
Recently my cousin and Goddaughter came back from the Middle East after a year. She and her sister came to see me. I paid for a lovely dinner for both of them, AND sent a meal from said restaurant back with them for the girl that was traveling with her. Now if I had been the one visiting, I would have taken my Godmother out to eat. I usually pay whether I am the guest or the host.
I do recall one time I drove with a girlfriend to visit an aunt of mine. I was going to rent a car on my credit card but she said if she could go along we could use her car. My friend had no money at all. I also didn't have much money. But I paid for everything. I remember being so pissed off when we stopped for a meal because I got stuff off the dollar menu and she ordered some big meal. I said to her she would need to order less expensive food because I couldn't afford it, but she said that since we were using her car it should not be a problem, since I didn't have to pay for the rental car. This type of thing can come between friends. She was right, but I feel like if I am the one with no money I would try my damnedest to not be a burden on someone else's dime.
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Post by questioning on Apr 14, 2021 23:30:54 GMT
I would not have paid for SIL's meals either. When I go visit friends or family, I always pay my own way And take the hosts out to dinner! I have to add to the list on this one. My in-laws never came to visit. We would fly halfway across the country and be expected then to treat the entire clan to a meal out, plus pay for any large family meals cooked at home. They had money, although SIL was always whining about some money problem while free childcare from her parents. And we know who didn't buy presents for our children... My family was just the opposite. Obviously I am still bitter
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Post by kraft4fun on Apr 14, 2021 23:52:16 GMT
she said the words but didn't actually make a move to do it And SIL texted me and said "Friend is coming, I hope that is okay." What do you do at that point? I would say "great which hotel are y'all staying at? Ya know there is a pandemic and we do not know her health status and would rather not open the house to it."
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Post by gizzy on Apr 14, 2021 23:57:07 GMT
I'd be pissed if this wasn't discussed with me beforehand.
I don't care if I seem classless, I've had this happen too many times. Now I've perfected telling the staff we need separate checks or waiting for that person to pay their part.
I'm curious to hear your SIL's take on the weekend.
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christinec68
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Post by christinec68 on Apr 14, 2021 23:57:40 GMT
My sil taught me a really effective tool for being on a girl's trip. In this case, everyone stayed at your house, but you were doing day trips w/meals out. At the beginning of the trip you start a kitty. Then everyone puts in the same amount and you pull from that to pay for meals. Though if I stayed at your house I would be embarrassed not to buy you at least one meal. If I could afford it I would take you out for a really nice dinner in exchange for your hospitality. Sounds like she took a trip that she couldn't afford or she's just rude or both. I do the same thing with two of my friends when we have a night out or go away - we call it money in the pocket. It's for dinner, drinks, taxi, tips, etc. We re-up when it gets low. We would split everything any way and then only one person is dealing with the money when it comes to paying for things.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Apr 15, 2021 0:20:29 GMT
Why didn’t you get separate checks when out to eat? Especially after the first time you were ‘stuck’ paying? I can understand why. I was raised that when you are the one doing the inviting, you pay. When you are the one invited, they pay. When we are hosting other family members in our home, we typically plan to have foods they like available in the house for them to enjoy during their visit and we also typically plan to pay for them if we do happen to go out (which we also typically do at least once). Sometimes the guest will quickly grab the check and refuse to let us pay as a thank you for our hospitality, but that is not our intention at the outset. But if said guest brought someone else along that we didn’t specifically invite? I can understand how things could get sticky if we planned to pay for our family member who was invited but not for the freeloading friend.
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paigepea
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Post by paigepea on Apr 15, 2021 0:26:52 GMT
If she stayed with you she should have picked one more affordable meal and paid for everyone. It’s the thought and effort that counts. I get that you wouldn’t let her pay if she was just one but she should have taken 1 lunch bill or 1 grocery bill as a token. Then you would have had a better attitude towards her.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Apr 15, 2021 0:30:20 GMT
Instead of the 'kitty' for a girls' trip, use the Splitwise app.
We use it all the time. Anyone can whip out their card and pay in the moment and then enter that expense in the app later splitting it anyway they want to -- evenly for a meal or splitting out the meals & drinks if there was much disparity in what people had. Any expense can be in and divided up as desired. Then at the end of the trip, we settle up through the app with any pay method you want -- most of us use Venmo. The cool thing is the way the app calculates it, you usually are only paying off one or two people, not the whole group and/or you just get paid by one or two.
And, to follow the pea rules and address the OP's question, I would not be mad as much at the uninvited guest as I would at myself for not handling it better in the moment. There are very smooth and natural ways to handle splitting costs with others. Plus if she offered to pick up a check and you turned it down, then a lot of this is really on you.
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Post by ~summer~ on Apr 15, 2021 0:33:20 GMT
I’ve never heard the term ‘kitty’ before, but we split checks via Venmo it just seems so easy.
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Post by luvmygirls on Apr 15, 2021 1:46:55 GMT
DH and I have stayed with family lots of times when we lived out of town. However, we have never invited our friends to stay too. That’s just weird. SIL or friend should have at least offered to pay the tip.
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Post by Zee on Apr 15, 2021 2:45:45 GMT
I don’t understand the try to pay line? You know, someone acts like they are reaching for their wallet or purse, but very slowly, waiting on someone to say "Oh, I got this". So i guess everyone was just like "i got this" and no one allowed her to pay. That's on you. If you were that bothered you should have asked for separate checks or said "your portion is $x". Why pay and then come here to complain about it? Unless you just wanted the entertainment value. My sister's MIL is the cheapest person I ever met and the apple didn't fall far from the tree as far as her son goes. Whenever we meet up with them either my dad or I ends up paying while BIL's little alligator arms pretend to reach for the check. If he even makes it that far. Usually he leaves the table first in a pretense of getting my nieces ready for the car, etc. Lol it's one of the most predictable things but dad and I just enjoy the stories now. 😂 Also, the guy makes more money than either me or my dad but...whatever.
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Post by freecharlie on Apr 15, 2021 2:50:31 GMT
she said the words but didn't actually make a move to do it This. We do not know her that well, and I just could not imagine letting people pay for my meals. I wouldn't want her to pay for everyone's meal, but at least her own. And no we are not rich. And SIL texted me and said "Friend is coming, I hope that is okay." What do you do at that point? next time respond, sure but either you or she will be paying her way
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