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Post by sasha on May 9, 2021 22:33:45 GMT
I'm surprised you're getting the "need more information" comments or that you are the asshole. It sounds like he changed plans and is cloaking the change in plans as being your mother's day gift. I do agree with others -- drive her back to school, maybe stop with her and have a lovely dinner. And treat yourself to some pampering the next day! You need to read her updates Ha, I will go back and look! Edit: Now I see! I should always read an entire thread before I comment! Bad Sasha!
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Post by freecharlie on May 9, 2021 22:39:46 GMT
It’s resolved. The work was work work but he didn’t explain that. I was under the impression it was cleaning the garage putzy work. (Weed whacking etc). There was a lack of communication and as far as the day goes, he had a surprise planned. However he enjoys insisting nothing is planned because he thinks it’s funny to string me along. I’m not good with not knowing plans . And now I feel like a major ass TELL HIM ALL OF THAT!!! And then when it gets close to birthday, anniversary, whatever...remind him. And boo on your dd for not doing anything. You are her mother. With that said, I got a text from one kid and a hug and words from the other and I'm not too upset. One day maybe, but not this year and that is okay.
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Post by maryland on May 10, 2021 1:39:07 GMT
It’s certsinly not about being an asshole, and I would never call you that. I also don’t think any of us can really answer this well. We’ll never have all the information you have or understand all the dynamics and history. For me, I would absolutely love the trip. There is nothing my daughter and I love more than a road trip. The longer the better. We have a long history of making them extremely fun - snacks, fast food in the car, our favorite music, hours of being three feet apart, so many conversations, and singing and laughing, or being serious and figuring out life, etc. I would probably have planned on doing that for mother’s day from the beginning, knowing that she had to be back on campus today. So having my husband suggest that for mother’s day wouldn’t even being a thing. In my world. The only thing that really makes sense for your situation (for every situation!) is better communication. My oldest went to college 5 hrs. away and I was always the one to get her. My parents lived 20 min. from her university, so it was always a 2 day trip spending the night the day I got there. We also loved the snacks and fast food. My daughter was never big on telling us all the goings on and what her friends were up to in high school. Typical girl I guess! But the first trip home for thanksgiving, she talked nonstop about how much she loved school and all the friends. She was laughing so hard! I learned more about her social life in those 5 hrs. than in 4 yrs. of high school. So I always loved to be the one to get her to and from school!
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Post by lesserknownpea on May 10, 2021 1:42:59 GMT
I’ve always felt that tricking someone into thinking you forgot their special day is manipulative and even a little demeaning. I’m not a fan of surprise parties either. I know not everybody feels that way, and I do agree sometimes a surprise can be nice, but not if firstyou make the person miserable, or they have said they don’t like surprises.
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snowdie
Full Member
Posts: 164
Dec 30, 2018 4:45:59 GMT
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Post by snowdie on May 10, 2021 2:10:52 GMT
I really don't care for it when people say "You're not his mother" when referring to the father of your children. I think he should honor you for being they fantastic mother you are for being the mother of HIS children and be a role model,to his kids on how to say thanks mom for all the love and care you have given as a mom. Say that to your husband. I need to say it my husband!
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on May 10, 2021 12:05:30 GMT
I’ve always felt that tricking someone into thinking you forgot their special day is manipulative and even a little demeaning. I’m not a fan of surprise parties either. I know not everybody feels that way, and I do agree sometimes a surprise can be nice, but not if firstyou make the person miserable, or they have said they don’t like surprises. I agree with this. I dislike tricking and pranking people in general. It just always feels mean-spirited to me.
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cbscrapper
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,399
Sept 5, 2015 18:24:10 GMT
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Post by cbscrapper on May 10, 2021 12:44:29 GMT
I really don't care for it when people say "You're not his mother" when referring to the father of your children. I think he should honor you for being they fantastic mother you are for being the mother of HIS children and be a role model,to his kids on how to say thanks mom for all the love and care you have given as a mom. Say that to your husband. I need to say it my husband! Thank you for saying this! I was going to post the same thing. She may not be his mother, but she is the mother of his children, and he should honor that. Plus, I’m guessing, as most mothers and women, she carries the huge silent load for the care of the child(ren) and other household responsibilities.
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QueenoftheSloths
Drama Llama
Member Since January 2004, 2,698 forum posts PeaNut Number: 122614 PeaBoard Title: StuckOnPeas
Posts: 5,955
Jun 26, 2014 0:29:24 GMT
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on May 10, 2021 13:17:21 GMT
I really don't care for it when people say "You're not his mother" when referring to the father of your children. I think he should honor you for being they fantastic mother you are for being the mother of HIS children and be a role model,to his kids on how to say thanks mom for all the love and care you have given as a mom. Say that to your husband. I need to say it my husband! Thank you for saying this! I was going to post the same thing. She may not be his mother, but she is the mother of his children, and he should honor that. Plus, I’m guessing, as most mothers and women, she carries the huge silent load for the care of the child(ren) and other household responsibilities. Yes, but the OP didn't say a word about the daughter. Why does the husband get 100% of the blame for her unsatisfactory day?
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Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,642
Location: Kansas City -ish
Jun 27, 2014 2:38:58 GMT
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Post by Anita on May 10, 2021 14:09:17 GMT
Maybe I'm the asshole here, but I'm tired of giving people a pass for failing to do basic decent things like remember the birthdays of loved ones. Or holidays that are important to loved ones like Mother's Day. If it's your first year together and they didn't know it meant something to you, OK. You have a conversation about it and move on. But after being with someone for years and knowing it hurts their feelings if you don't remember them on days like that? You are the asshole. Period. There are reminders everywhere that these days are coming. There are countless ways to mark it so you remember it. Calendars, digital reminders. Hell, Amazon will set up a way to remind you of people's upcoming birthdays and give you hints of what they want if they don't have a wish list set up. You can even automate this crap! Set it up once and walk away and you still look like a hero when a card arrives or flowers, or even a digital reminder to call your mom. So no, "men are just wired differently" is absolute crap and I don't give them a pass. If you're a functioning adult you can get a grip on this or you can ask for help from a friend or family member. It's part of being a decent human. /end rant
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Post by femalebusiness on May 10, 2021 18:14:39 GMT
So what was the surprise he was planning?
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on May 11, 2021 14:17:13 GMT
Why should I mention it when we bought our moms gifts? He knows we buy our parents gifts and they ask him what he did. The answer is nothing. That’s fun answering “ nothing” when in-laws ask you in front of family. And then crickets. But you are not your husband’s mom! I don’t get moms day gifts from my hubby but it’s his efforts to prompt the kids to make the day special. (Yes he pays but it’s the effort he makes to engage them) It absolutely sucks to have a spouse who isn’t a gifter or one that just cannot think to do it on their own with no prompting. Let him know that you’ll let the kids know you want that $500 tool box so they can start saving!
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on May 11, 2021 14:18:23 GMT
It’s resolved. The work was work work but he didn’t explain that. I was under the impression it was cleaning the garage putzy work. (Weed whacking etc). There was a lack of communication and as far as the day goes, he had a surprise planned. However he enjoys insisting nothing is planned because he thinks it’s funny to string me along. I’m not good with not knowing plans . And now I feel like a major ass I hate surprises too.
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 11, 2021 14:54:16 GMT
I really don't care for it when people say "You're not his mother" when referring to the father of your children. I think he should honor you for being they fantastic mother you are for being the mother of HIS children and be a role model,to his kids on how to say thanks mom for all the love and care you have given as a mom. Say that to your husband. I need to say it my husband! I *did* say something to my DH years ago when our kid was small and Mother’s Day was coming up. He made some crack about me not being his mom so why should he do anything for me? I said, “Our child is looking to us to teach her what is important and how to treat the people we love in our lives. If WE don’t show her, how is she supposed to learn? We do that by backing each other up, teaching her how we care for and honor each other and how we show each other respect.” It was like a light bulb turned on because he really never thought of it that way. His parent’s were pretty dysfunctional and there wasn’t a lot of mutual respect in their relationship. It shouldn’t have been a surprise to me that it wasn’t something he would have picked up naturally by watching their model of marriage and parenting. My parents were the exact opposite, so to me it was something ingrained from early childhood.
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,363
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on May 12, 2021 1:42:46 GMT
So dd’s boyfriend came over to visit and he’s driving her back. He lives 30 minutes from her dorm so that turned out well. No mention of work needing to get done anymore. Happy Mother’s Day was said . Day will go normally from there. Lucky to be a mom but a card, a flower, a something would asking too much. However mentioning a $500 tool chest for Fsthers Day on Mother’s Day is ok. Ok then. So then you mentioned that you would like a card, flower or gift? Because if you didn't, then I agree with the people who say you are expecting your DH to read your mind. If you don't want to get him the tool chest for Father's Day, then don't. Maybe that will help spark the communication you two clearly need to work on. After 25 years of marriage he should know what she expects. She shouldn’t have to tell him at this point. I only see one asshole in the picture and it’s the husband. I’d return the favor on Father’s Day which likely explains why I’m single. 😂
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Post by greendragonlady on May 12, 2021 1:52:25 GMT
I'm glad your day turned out better, teach4u ! You need to read her updates Ha, I will go back and look! Edit: Now I see! I should always read an entire thread before I comment! Bad Sasha! sasha , if there is a long thread, I'll scan through and read every update post from the OP, but not necessarily from every other poster. I love that they are coded green for easy viewing!
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QueenoftheSloths
Drama Llama
Member Since January 2004, 2,698 forum posts PeaNut Number: 122614 PeaBoard Title: StuckOnPeas
Posts: 5,955
Jun 26, 2014 0:29:24 GMT
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on May 12, 2021 2:13:41 GMT
So then you mentioned that you would like a card, flower or gift? Because if you didn't, then I agree with the people who say you are expecting your DH to read your mind. If you don't want to get him the tool chest for Father's Day, then don't. Maybe that will help spark the communication you two clearly need to work on. After 25 years of marriage he should know what she expects. She shouldn’t have to tell him at this point. I only see one asshole in the picture and it’s the husband. I’d return the favor on Father’s Day which likely explains why I’m single. 😂 But has she EVER said what she wanted? Or has it all been not being upfront with expectations followed by silent sulking that the things she wanted didn't happen? We have no way of knowing.
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Post by fotos4u2 on May 12, 2021 16:30:13 GMT
But you are not your husband’s mom! I don’t get moms day gifts from my hubby but it’s his efforts to prompt the kids to make the day special. (Yes he pays but it’s the effort he makes to engage them) It absolutely sucks to have a spouse who isn’t a gifter or one that just cannot think to do it on their own with no prompting. Let him know that you’ll let the kids know you want that $500 tool box so they can start saving! I do think husband in this case would be an asshole. Afterall you can't claim "you're not my mother, so why would I buy you a gift?" while also expecting a gift from your spouse for Father's Day. In reality though sounds like the OP's husband was messing with her which IMO still makes him kind of an asshole. I'm divorced, interestingly my EX still gives me a Mother's Day gift every year. I'm not a gift person so would be fine if he didn't do it. Our kids are all grown so it's not done to "show them what to do" (and if it was, they haven't got the memo because 2/3 of them are not great gift givers they've rarely given me gifts for any holiday or birthday).
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Post by sasha on May 12, 2021 18:14:39 GMT
I'm glad your day turned out better, teach4u ! Ha, I will go back and look! Edit: Now I see! I should always read an entire thread before I comment! Bad Sasha! sasha , if there is a long thread, I'll scan through and read every update post from the OP, but not necessarily from every other poster. I love that they are coded green for easy viewing! LOL, I'm such an idiot I didn't even realize that there were coded green or even why!
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Post by gar on May 12, 2021 18:37:28 GMT
I'm glad your day turned out better, teach4u ! sasha , if there is a long thread, I'll scan through and read every update post from the OP, but not necessarily from every other poster. I love that they are coded green for easy viewing! LOL, I'm such an idiot I didn't even realize that there were coded green or even why! Wait, wait...where is this green coding??
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 26, 2024 1:26:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2021 19:05:05 GMT
LOL, I'm such an idiot I didn't even realize that there were coded green or even why! Wait, wait...where is this green coding?? Only shows up on desktop
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Post by gar on May 12, 2021 19:22:24 GMT
Wait, wait...where is this green coding?? Only shows up on desktop Ok, I’m there sometimes - where do I look? 😊
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Post by nellej on May 12, 2021 20:24:45 GMT
Ok, I’m there sometimes - where do I look? 😊 When you scroll down the thread, the OP's posts are highlighted in a light green.
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Post by gar on May 12, 2021 20:33:48 GMT
Ok, I’m there sometimes - where do I look? 😊 When you scroll down the thread, the OP's posts are highlighted in a light green. How can I never have noticed that?! Thanks - off to look 😊
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Post by hop2 on May 12, 2021 20:37:57 GMT
I really don't care for it when people say "You're not his mother" when referring to the father of your children. I think he should honor you for being they fantastic mother you are for being the mother of HIS children and be a role model,to his kids on how to say thanks mom for all the love and care you have given as a mom. Say that to your husband. I need to say it my husband! Thank you for saying this! I was going to post the same thing. She may not be his mother, but she is the mother of his children, and he should honor that. Plus, I’m guessing, as most mothers and women, she carries the huge silent load for the care of the child(ren) and other household responsibilities. Heck even my ex texted me ‘happy mother’s day’ so he at least acknowledged it
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Post by greendragonlady on May 13, 2021 2:24:50 GMT
Wait, wait...where is this green coding?? Only shows up on desktop Oh, I wasn't aware of that. I only pea on my laptop, never my phone. Sorry if I confused you, gar !
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Post by gar on May 13, 2021 7:46:19 GMT
Ok, I’m there sometimes - where do I look? 😊 When you scroll down the thread, the OP's posts are highlighted in a light green. I don't have that happening Is it an option maybe? I am vaguely remembering this now...was it the background of subsequent posts or at the side where their avatar is? It's not happening on my Mac - is that why maybe?
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Post by Basket1lady on May 13, 2021 13:33:21 GMT
When you scroll down the thread, the OP's posts are highlighted in a light green. I don't have that happening Is it an option maybe? I am vaguely remembering this now...was it the background of subsequent posts or at the side where their avatar is? It's not happening on my Mac - is that why maybe? I don’t see it on my Mac either!
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Post by Basket1lady on May 13, 2021 13:36:20 GMT
I’ve always felt that tricking someone into thinking you forgot their special day is manipulative and even a little demeaning. I’m not a fan of surprise parties either. I know not everybody feels that way, and I do agree sometimes a surprise can be nice, but not if firstyou make the person miserable, or they have said they don’t like surprises. I completely agree with this. I see it a lot with surprise parties. Those close to the birthday person will go about the day like it’s been forgotten, all the while excited for the surprise party that most likely will be later in the day. In the meantime, the birthday person feels forgotten. If you’re going to have a surprise party, at least acknowledge the birthday person during the day! OP, I hope that your day turned out well. It’s hard when we feel like we are unseen and not heard.
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Post by christine58 on May 13, 2021 13:41:36 GMT
When you scroll down the thread, the OP's posts are highlighted in a light green. I don't have that happening Is it an option maybe? I am vaguely remembering this now...was it the background of subsequent posts or at the side where their avatar is? It's not happening on my Mac - is that why maybe? I see it on my Mac
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Post by mcjunkin on May 13, 2021 13:42:04 GMT
I see the green on my Mac. Never on the phone or iPad tho.
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