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Post by paulao on Sept 28, 2021 20:01:00 GMT
Being alone and away from your usual environment is conducive to thinking clearly. I will add you to my prayer list.
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Post by tryingtobewise on Sept 28, 2021 20:07:23 GMT
jeremysgirl you are an amazing person and I’ve benefitted so much by the things you share. I can So often relate! I’m at work so can’t write a lot but wanted to suggest getting a Peloton. Yes - a huge expense and I’m sorry for that. I bought mine financed through Affirm with zero % interest. I am 55 and not fit but damn, buying that thing was so empowering and it is wonderful having it in my home. It truly lifts my mood and makes me feel like, “I’ve got this” each time I use it. Hugs to you.
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oh yvonne
Prolific Pea
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Jun 26, 2014 0:45:23 GMT
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Post by oh yvonne on Sept 28, 2021 20:08:44 GMT
Just here standing behind you in support, no words other than you are heard and I send you love and prayers for comfort soon too.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 28, 2021 20:14:41 GMT
you know that you can reach out to me, right? We're friends and I totally totally understand the overwhelming feelings that you're having. Perhaps we'll have to set intentions together each day to help us through the storm. I can do this if you can. It's always easier w/a friend. Yes, maybe like @sunnycamom said, we just need to have a list and a plan. Maybe I need to sit each night and better plan my day for the next so I don't end up at the end of the day just wondering why I'm wandering around aimlessly doing nothing all day. Other people are able to be in control of their lives, or at least parts of their lives, that's completely out of my control in my own life and it does indeed create emotions that are challenging to deal with. Thank you for validating this. I know enough people who have struggles. I also know quite a few people who's lives go quite swimmingly. And it isn't just the facade of social media, they legitimately walk an easier path. And truth be told, I don't wish my path on anyone. I'm not quite that bitter. But when the shit gets really deep, I envy. And that's not a good look. I try to remind myself of all the ways in which I am who I am (and I'm not lacking in self esteem) because of my circumstance. That so much of who I am, as a person, is tied to the illness. In other words, I know no other way to be. And I am good with that...for myself. I am not good with it for my children. I was working from home and decided I *had* to go back to the office, just to get some separation between "home" and 'work' for my own sanity. Would that help?? Just to be PHYSICALLY away from it all for a period of time? I'm totally considering this. I enjoy going into the office on Thursdays. Maybe it is time to add in another day too. We love you and I know how freaking hard this shit is. A lot of us do. We are here for you. And you are right. Self care and meditation and all that doesn't help in situations like this. What has helped me? Lists that I then prioritize items. Setting boundaries. Having 1 thing I look forward to each day. And saying enough is enough and no. That's what I meant. Was that I'm pulling out every tool I've got in my arsenal and it still isn't enough. And I like your action list idea. I've always admired that about you. You're a doer. You get more shit done in one day than most people do in a week and that is a feat for anyone, much less someone with your worries too. I was struck by what you said about your week away, camping with Jeremy. It sounds like you needed it, and that you felt good then. Ahh, that's the ugly part. I was away from and barely in contact with my children. And that's got to be the saddest thing I have admitted in a long time. I just let them go for the week. I left them to themselves. |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 28, 2021 20:21:31 GMT
You peas really show up when someone needs you.  I'm blown away by all the comments here. I had such a busy day I was unable to respond to everyone but I appreciated your kindness immensely. I'm sorry I let loose this morning. I just went to bed at 8pm last night because I felt so tired. And then I woke at 6am this morning and realized that all the feelings I had yesterday weren't going away this morning. It was just needling my brain. I didn't know what to do with it all. I'm going to step out now and take my bike for ride. It is a nice day outside. I have no windows in my home office/craft room. So I think that getting some sunlight will be good for me. I will come back and reread all that you guys have said. Just know I appreciate you. |
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Post by gillyp on Sept 28, 2021 20:41:04 GMT
You peas really show up when someone needs you. I'm blown away by all the comments here. I had such a busy day I was unable to respond to everyone but I appreciated your kindness immensely. I'm sorry I let loose this morning. I just went to bed at 8pm last night because I felt so tired. And then I woke at 6am this morning and realized that all the feelings I had yesterday weren't going away this morning. It was just needling my brain. I didn't know what to do with it all. I'm going to step out now and take my bike for ride. It is a nice day outside. I have no windows in my home office/craft room. So I think that getting some sunlight will be good for me. I will come back and reread all that you guys have said. Just know I appreciate you. Daylight/sunlight is so important. If you can, please try to place your desk in a room next to a window where the sun streams in. I hope your bike ride helps a little.  |
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Post by mikklynn on Sept 28, 2021 20:44:42 GMT
Oh, dear friend. I am so sorry. You have so much going on in your life.
I am praying for you, Jeremy, and your kids.
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jayfab
Drama Llama
procastinating
Posts: 5,617 
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Post by jayfab on Sept 28, 2021 20:48:22 GMT
I'm sorry you're hurting now. You are strong and courageous, I really admire that in you. I hope your bike ride helps lift you for a bit, sun is my energy pill. (((hugs)))
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Post by scrappintoee on Sept 28, 2021 21:34:17 GMT
Ohhh, I wish I could (( hug )) you in person and be a shoulder for you to cry on. But, I can't, so I have to send this adora-bull doggie meme I found online.   Interesting that you posted this today....after reading about Chloe yesterday, I was praying that she'd go to the psychiatrist AND start taking her new meds, and I thought "hmm.....wonder how Esther's been doing?" So sad to read your update on her, too.  I've told you before, I truly admire ALL that you do for your mental health AND for your childrens', too! You try SO hard, and it hurt me to read what you said today about being tired of the meditation, the rheiki (sp), smiling when you don't want to, etc. All the positive things you constantly do to try to keep positive are totally exhausting you, and that sucks! I hope that all of this support you're getting from your pea pals is helping a bit! I'm glad you shared, and that it made you feel a bit better. Like others have said, it sounds trite sometimes, but all we can do is "listen", and send (( hugs )) and prayers.  (I almost feel silly typing that, BUT-- you know in our hearts, we TRULY mean it !) |
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Post by koontz on Sept 28, 2021 21:42:04 GMT
I am so sorry for you. Life is hard, sometimes.
Just wanted to send you a hug.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 28, 2021 21:47:45 GMT
You know what scrappintoee? Sometimes listening is the best thing you can do. Sometimes just saying out loud all the thoughts going round in your head is healing. |
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Post by bc2ca on Sept 28, 2021 21:53:36 GMT
I wish I could give you a big hug IRL.  |
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amom23
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,447
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Post by amom23 on Sept 28, 2021 22:11:54 GMT
I haven't walked in your shoes and I can't even begin to understand how hard it is to raise children with special needs. Be kind to yourself. Seek outside help if you can. Hugs!
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scrappinwithoutpeas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,012
Location: Northern Virginia
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Post by scrappinwithoutpeas on Sept 28, 2021 22:17:25 GMT
Hugs, jeremysgirl. I feel the pain in your post and I hope, wish, and pray that things improve for you soon. I think you've mentioned a few things you might do or are already doing to help change your outlook/mood. I think those are all good ideas and I wanted to add another possibility to consider (not "advice", just something to consider). You mentioned that one of your kids may also be struggling with alcoholism. Having been down that path where someone close to me (ex-H, many moons ago) was alcoholic and I was co-dependent, the Al-Anon program (for family members of someone struggling with addition/alcoholism -- even if they're not in recovery themselves) helped me see how/where HIS alcoholism was affecting MY actions and moods. It might be worth looking into to get some perspective. |
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Sept 28, 2021 22:37:29 GMT
I understand.
This past year and half as been as far from normal as one can get. Add to it day to day issues and problems. It's not easy.
In regards to your kids, as soon as they "start on you", firmly and strongly say "STOP, I will not listen until you can speak to me respectfully, and a normal tone of voice. If they continue, tell them they need to leave your home and not come back until they can be respectful.
Give yourself grace. Put yourself first >> you need to take care of your own wellbeing, before you can help or take care of anyone else.
Sometimes life is not easy. Take life one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST!
Wishing you peace and healing.
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Post by AussieMeg on Sept 28, 2021 22:51:12 GMT
I've started typing multiple times and keep deleting. I feel helpless to do anything other than tell you that I am sorry for all the burdens in your life at the moment. I can hear the pain and sadness in your words. I wish and hope that you can have a joyful life.
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kate
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,597
Location: The city that doesn't sleep
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Sept 28, 2021 22:55:10 GMT
I'm tired of being jealous of people whose young adult kids are going off to college and are solid while mine are struggling so badly. I'm tired of everyone saying self-care, self-care, self-care like a day spent scrapbooking or an evening crocheting is going to make this all feel better and it doesn't. I wanted to stand up with my fists in the air, roaring in agreement with both of these things. That's not really helpful, except maybe to let you know you're not alone. You are one of the bright lights on the board for me. And this! A thousand times this.  And you know what? Reading all the preceding posts has reminded me of all the goodness there is in the world, despite the darkness. So thank you all for that. And thank you, jeremysgirl, for being vulnerable enough to share - which showed me all that goodness. Keeping you and all the struggling Peas in prayer. |
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Sept 28, 2021 23:03:35 GMT
I was away from and barely in contact with my children. And that's got to be the saddest thing I have admitted in a long time. I just let them go for the week. I left them to themselves. that's not sad... like the airplane analogy, you have to put on your oxygen mask first, before you can help your child. And you have a responsibility to take care of yourself mentally and physically, FIRST. That's not sad or selfish, or ugly, at all. That's human.(eta: it's not the same thing at all, but sometimes I have a meltdown / something happens, and I just want to get the day over with, to go on to tomorrow to have a do-over... so I go to bed early with a book, or just to sleep-- and by early, I mean 6-6:30 pm. My DH can cook his own dinner, and he can deal with the dogs, etc. Everything will survive till the next day when I can hopefully cope with it better. You do NOT have any obligation to always smile, be positive, etc. for everyone else, if that's not how you feel. Sometimes what we DO need to do is just 'check out' for a little while to give ourselves a bit of a release... not to wallow, but to acknowledge our feelings.) |
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Post by lucyg on Sept 28, 2021 23:08:34 GMT
I am so, so fond of you. You deserve some peace. I hope life will lighten up for you someday soon.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 28, 2021 23:11:32 GMT
kate said: And you know what? Reading all the preceding posts has reminded me of all the goodness there is in the world, despite the darkness. So thank you all for that. And thank you, jeremysgirl, for being vulnerable enough to share - which showed me all that goodness. Yes exactly. 😢 You all made me feel better. This whole day went on an upward trajectory. My oldest actually told her psychiatrist what was going on and he finally prescribed an antipsychotic for her. She told me she's going to try not to drink and take the medicine and hopefully it will help. And my youngest caught me crying this afternoon and she just gave me the biggest hug and told me not to worry about her.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 28, 2021 23:13:40 GMT
I was away from and barely in contact with my children. And that's got to be the saddest thing I have admitted in a long time. I just let them go for the week. I left them to themselves. that's not sad... like the airplane analogy, you have to put on your oxygen mask first, before you can help your child. And you have a responsibility to take care of yourself mentally and physically, FIRST. That's not sad or selfish, or ugly, at all. That's human.(eta: it's not the same thing at all, but sometimes I have a meltdown / something happens, and I just want to get the day over with, to go on to tomorrow to have a do-over... so I go to bed early with a book, or just to sleep-- and by early, I mean 6-6:30 pm. My DH can cook his own dinner, and he can deal with the dogs, etc. Everything will survive till the next day when I can hopefully cope with it better. You do NOT have any obligation to always smile, be positive, etc. for everyone else, if that's not how you feel. Sometimes what we DO need to do is just 'check out' for a little while to give ourselves a bit of a release... not to wallow, but to acknowledge our feelings.) It makes me feel bad that I had an out of sight out of mind week of vacation. Of course I checked in with them. But they actually respected the fact that I was on vacation. So I guess they are capable of it. Boundaries, right? |
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Sept 28, 2021 23:23:38 GMT
oh... and something I know intellectually- is that drinking alcohol while on anti-depressants is a bad thing-- because it makes your mood MORE unstable. But sometimes I still do it. A glass of wine rarely is one thing, but if I have a bottle of wine over the course of the weekend, then by the end of the weekend, I feel pretty darn crappy and pretty much out of control, mood-wise. But yet, I still do it sometimes.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 28, 2021 23:25:21 GMT
oh... and something I know intellectually- is that drinking alcohol while on anti-depressants is a bad thing-- because it makes your mood MORE unstable. But sometimes I still do it. A glass of wine rarely is one thing, but if I have a bottle of wine over the course of the weekend, then by the end of the weekend, I feel pretty darn crappy and pretty much out of control, mood-wise. But yet, I still do it sometimes. I am not much of a drinker either. I like a glass of wine with dinner on occasion. But I know enough to know that when I'm feeling bad, I don't drink. |
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Sept 28, 2021 23:31:30 GMT
But I know enough to know that when I'm feeling bad, I don't drink. for me, the alcohol is what comes first most of the time: I have a drink or two, then have another drink or two the next day because the bottle of wine is open, or because I bought a 6-pk of bottles of cider. Then I start feeling out of control, and don't always connect the two things. I should always just stop at one. Or pour out the rest of the bottle, etc. |
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Post by lostwithout2peas on Sept 28, 2021 23:32:30 GMT
I'm so sorry you are feeling so empty. Trying to be a good parent to children with mental illness is so very hard. You don't want to be the trigger point so you sacrifice so much of yourself for their sake. Your tank is empty. You have nothing else to give.
Your post struck a chord with me, cause it has mirrored my own feelings this past year. I used to be able to get thru it, but this year, I just don't seem to be able to. The envy, the emptyiness, the no motivation, and sh!t just keeps happening and I think really? And it seems like when one child or two are on an even keel, then the other goes down. Why can't they ever all be OK at once? Or one part of my life not be on fire and the kids OK at the same time.
I don't have any suggestions, I just wanted you to know your not alone in how you feel. And I'm reading this thread and listening to the suggestions being given.
Big hugs to you sweet lady and prayers for your family. I love your post and what you contribute to this board.
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Post by hop2 on Sept 28, 2021 23:37:40 GMT
I am so sorry!
Hugs
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seaexplore
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Member is Online
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Sept 29, 2021 0:03:47 GMT
I can’t read and not comment. I see you and hear you. Would renting and air bnb help? Just a change of scenery? Work from somewhere else? This living during a pandemic shit is hard. It's not in my budget to rent another place right now. And I'm not sure my kids would respect my alone time even if I did. They were pretty good the week I was gone. But then I stepped right back into it the moment I walked through the door. And this has been my life for the past 6-7 years. It's just gotten worse and worse over time. sucks  I'm sorry. Your kids are older, right? Any chance they need to move out? Can they move out? I'm sure that the pandemic and everything being a shit show all over the place doesn't help your mental state. One day, hopefully, things will calm down a bit. You said your therapist retired. Any chance they can give you a referral to a new one? I know it's hard right now to make that call to set up an appointment but you just might need to for your mental health. How did the gym thing go? I really wish I had some magical fix it for ya. You deserve to be comfortable in your home and not stressed out by those you love. Vent here all you need. We'll listen and not judge. |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 29, 2021 0:04:39 GMT
I'm so sorry you are feeling so empty. Trying to be a good parent to children with mental illness is so very hard. You don't want to be the trigger point so you sacrifice so much of yourself for their sake. Your tank is empty. You have nothing else to give. Your post struck a chord with me, cause it has mirrored my own feelings this past year. I used to be able to get thru it, but this year, I just don't seem to be able to. The envy, the emptyiness, the no motivation, and sh!t just keeps happening and I think really? And it seems like when one child or two are on an even keel, then the other goes down. Why can't they ever all be OK at once? Or one part of my life not be on fire and the kids OK at the same time. I don't have any suggestions, I just wanted you to know your not alone in how you feel. And I'm reading this thread and listening to the suggestions being given. Big hugs to you sweet lady and prayers for your family. I love your post and what you contribute to this board. I'm sorry you are going through this too. I send my prayers to you. |
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,382
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Sept 29, 2021 0:10:48 GMT
I’m sorry life’s so tough right now. I suffer from depression as well. I think you should definitely get a new therapist and see about getting your meds adjusted. Before I got mine right into only couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel I could not find the damned tunnel. Now I say they’ll get my antidepressants when they pry them from my cold dead fingers. They have made such a difference in my life. Hang in the and I’m glad your kids are coming around.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 29, 2021 0:16:50 GMT
And the night just ended with a drunken scene on my front lawn between her and her boyfriend. Sigh. I thought this day was going to end alright.
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I'm blown away by all the comments here. I had such a busy day I was unable to respond to everyone but I appreciated your kindness immensely. I'm sorry I let loose this morning. I just went to bed at 8pm last night because I felt so tired. And then I woke at 6am this morning and realized that all the feelings I had yesterday weren't going away this morning. It was just needling my brain. I didn't know what to do with it all. 
(I almost feel silly typing that, BUT--
I'm sorry. 