The final straw - long and depressing UPDATE - THANK YOU ALL

I only realised today how important a friend had become when he coldly and very unexpectedly dumped me. He was my best friend and only a few weeks ago, after three years of solid friendship, things suddenly became a bit more romantic.

It was lovely, but I knew he was unsure, and since then, I’ve had very mixed messages from him. He’s kind and honest and affectionate when I’m with him, but tended to disappear on me at other times. He’s had a couple of disastrous relationships since his marriage broke up about six years ago, and was scared of any involvement. I wasn’t applying any pressure on him, apart from being honest about the fact I was very attracted to him. Any kissing, etc has always been initiated by him. The first time and every other. 

We were meant to be going out for dinner tonight. We agreed this just on Tuesday after an evening of much greater intimacy than ever before. He was happy when I left and he’d said he realised he trusted me not to hurt him. I messaged him last night to see if he was booking a table for tonight. He didn’t reply, so this morning I said I was happy if he just wanted to get takeout and stay in. And he basically told me to fuck off, not to come to his flat, that if he wanted me to come over, he would invite me, and had he made himself clear?  And then he blocked me. It’s left me floored and breathless. It was his kindness and compassion for callers in distress that first attracted me to him as a person (we volunteer for the same charity helpline). People often become very good friends with their shift partners because of the intense emotions that callers share with us, and we then share with each other.  It’s an unusual relationship, and D and I became very close very quickly. I could never have imagined such coldness from him, especially directed at me. 

How do you deal with it when yet one more loss threatens to overwhelm you? Apart from my kids, in one way or another I’ve lost everyone who was ever important to me. Dear friends, my close family, my (ex)husband, my precious pup. I’ve handled each loss stoically and pragmatically, but now I feel completely unhinged. I can’t stop sobbing, and my poor son is so worried. He even insisted I smoke a joint with him.  It didn’t help. 

It’s like this is the final straw, that all the loss I’ve ever dealt with has only been lurking below the surface, and now I can’t hold it back anymore. I feel absolutely broken.  

Thank you for letting me put this out there. You don’t need to respond, I just wanted to say it ‘aloud'. The irony of calling the charity line I work for, in order to talk to someone, has not been lost on me.  

UPDATE

I love this place. I love all of you. The amount of support I’ve had here, the amount of support we give each other, is absolutely phenomenal. If everyone had a place like this, there would be no need for organisations like the Samaritans.  You’ve all helped so much in turning around the way I look at my situation. You’ve made me realise that I refuse to be a victim, and that my loss is even more his loss. I don’t know if I’ve dodged a bullet, or if my (ex)friend really is just sad and mixed up and scared. I suspect the latter more than the former, but you’ve all helped me understand that I don’t need to hang around to find out which it is. His problems do not need to be my problems. 
I can now mourn deeply the loss of what was a wonderful friendship and accept that it truly wasn’t my fault it has ended. 

So thank you. Thank you all so much.