Post by scrappyesq on Nov 9, 2022 17:01:15 GMT
So, I’m divorced. I never thought I would say those words, but surprisingly I’m ok. Relieved in some ways to be honest. I wanted to tell the Peas because you have all been with me from the beginning of my marital issues. After ex-DH and I separated 6 years ago I started a long journey in therapy. We both grew up in abusive homes led by a narcissist mother, and unless you’ve had the same experience it’s hard to understand how soul crushing that can be. My mother’s cruelty really knew no bounds, and his mother was worse in so many ways. When we got married I knew that there was something little off with both of us, especially when it came to communication and being vulnerable with each other. Little did I know that those things were just the tip of the iceberg when it came to the issues that I needed to confront in order to be a fully functioning adult. I had no self esteem and felt like everyone in the world hated me, buttons that my mother installed in me and loved to push. It took years of therapy to peel back many of the layers. I am still a work in progress, but I’m definitely not the person I was when I left him.
While I was on my mental health journey I tried to share some of the things that I was learning as a means to encourage him to get help. At the beginning of our separation he was on board and started seeing his own therapist. Those months were glorious. That’s right, months. When it became too hard for him to work on his issues he bailed and stopped seeing his therapist.
I kept working on myself, both because I wanted him to see the possibilities and I loved the results. The constant weight of guilt for not measuring up, anger at the futility of trying to measure up and sadness because I felt so unloved and unwanted was slowly lifting. I stopped talking to my mother and my family by default since they took her side.
Ex-DH and I never lived together again after I first left him. We were constantly in contact, he would visit frequently, often bringing me food or other little things. He would transfer money to my bank account on a whim. We still spent time together over the holidays, and I always felt like these were little things that were going to lead to reconciliation.
How wrong I was.
His mother was venomously abusive up until the day she died (they literally got into a nasty argument 2 hours before she collapsed and died). Yet even with this abuse he would still spend the afternoon with her every Sunday. When he was in therapy the visits stopped, and he began recognizing the problematic relationship he had with her and many of the people he was close to. His best friend is an insecure asshole who ex-DH recognized as such (I never said anything because he needed to see on his own) and ex-DH started distancing himself from that energy too. He also began to treat me differently, as if I was no longer the enemy but was actually trying to help hm.
When he stopped going to therapy all of that changed and went back to how it was, like he’d never been in therapy at all. I continued to work on myself. Hoping that he would see as my mental health improved therapy was totally worth the initial pain of self discovery. It never happened.
The end for me happened a few weeks ago. His mother died in 2021, from old age not Covid. I hoped that with out her constant put downs and evil nature he would see the work that he needed to do in order to not be depressed and bitter all the time. Instead, it got worse. On my birthday last month he made a big deal about my gift, making sure that my day was filled with unrestrained book buying and food. Of course not with him, because other than the visits he never wanted us to do anything together.
As I sat and looked at my stack of new books I realized that I was not going to live like this for another minute. A piecemeal life with someone who refuse to get help? Absolutely not. So when he came over next I asked him again if he was prepared to make the changes that he needed (therapy) in order to make things work. He started making excuses and saying that this is how he is and I have to deal with it. As he was talking I got up, opened the front door and led him out.
Enough.
In New York if the divorce in uncontested and both parties appear a divorce can be quick if there is no property to divide and no custody that needs to be decided. Since I’m a lawyer I made it happen quickly. We are divorced.
I actually feel like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. No more trying to carry someone when they don’t want to help themselves. No more doing everything in my power to make him feel loved and having him look at me paranoid like I must have ulterior motives.
And I can LAUGH. My friends have been waiting for years for me to completely walk away. One bamboozled me in to joining Tinder. I’ve been on 6 dates (!!!) I’m not trying to get into anything, I really just wanted to see how this new me is out in the real world. I’ve had some duds (which discussion requires another thread). But I’ve had some gems. One date all we did was walk around Central Park. He is the sweetest man (not boyfriend material) but someone who made me laugh and just enjoy being alive and untethered. Some of the other guys I’ve met have gone from texting to phonecalls, with me being mindful of the fact that I’m newly single and not pressed.
There are also HUGE things going on career wise that I am 100% sure would not be happening if I was the same person feeling the same way about myself that I felt just a few short years ago.
Whew. If you read this whole long story thanks for reading. I love you Peas and would not have said anything otherwise.
While I was on my mental health journey I tried to share some of the things that I was learning as a means to encourage him to get help. At the beginning of our separation he was on board and started seeing his own therapist. Those months were glorious. That’s right, months. When it became too hard for him to work on his issues he bailed and stopped seeing his therapist.
I kept working on myself, both because I wanted him to see the possibilities and I loved the results. The constant weight of guilt for not measuring up, anger at the futility of trying to measure up and sadness because I felt so unloved and unwanted was slowly lifting. I stopped talking to my mother and my family by default since they took her side.
Ex-DH and I never lived together again after I first left him. We were constantly in contact, he would visit frequently, often bringing me food or other little things. He would transfer money to my bank account on a whim. We still spent time together over the holidays, and I always felt like these were little things that were going to lead to reconciliation.
How wrong I was.
His mother was venomously abusive up until the day she died (they literally got into a nasty argument 2 hours before she collapsed and died). Yet even with this abuse he would still spend the afternoon with her every Sunday. When he was in therapy the visits stopped, and he began recognizing the problematic relationship he had with her and many of the people he was close to. His best friend is an insecure asshole who ex-DH recognized as such (I never said anything because he needed to see on his own) and ex-DH started distancing himself from that energy too. He also began to treat me differently, as if I was no longer the enemy but was actually trying to help hm.
When he stopped going to therapy all of that changed and went back to how it was, like he’d never been in therapy at all. I continued to work on myself. Hoping that he would see as my mental health improved therapy was totally worth the initial pain of self discovery. It never happened.
The end for me happened a few weeks ago. His mother died in 2021, from old age not Covid. I hoped that with out her constant put downs and evil nature he would see the work that he needed to do in order to not be depressed and bitter all the time. Instead, it got worse. On my birthday last month he made a big deal about my gift, making sure that my day was filled with unrestrained book buying and food. Of course not with him, because other than the visits he never wanted us to do anything together.
As I sat and looked at my stack of new books I realized that I was not going to live like this for another minute. A piecemeal life with someone who refuse to get help? Absolutely not. So when he came over next I asked him again if he was prepared to make the changes that he needed (therapy) in order to make things work. He started making excuses and saying that this is how he is and I have to deal with it. As he was talking I got up, opened the front door and led him out.
Enough.
In New York if the divorce in uncontested and both parties appear a divorce can be quick if there is no property to divide and no custody that needs to be decided. Since I’m a lawyer I made it happen quickly. We are divorced.
I actually feel like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. No more trying to carry someone when they don’t want to help themselves. No more doing everything in my power to make him feel loved and having him look at me paranoid like I must have ulterior motives.
And I can LAUGH. My friends have been waiting for years for me to completely walk away. One bamboozled me in to joining Tinder. I’ve been on 6 dates (!!!) I’m not trying to get into anything, I really just wanted to see how this new me is out in the real world. I’ve had some duds (which discussion requires another thread). But I’ve had some gems. One date all we did was walk around Central Park. He is the sweetest man (not boyfriend material) but someone who made me laugh and just enjoy being alive and untethered. Some of the other guys I’ve met have gone from texting to phonecalls, with me being mindful of the fact that I’m newly single and not pressed.
There are also HUGE things going on career wise that I am 100% sure would not be happening if I was the same person feeling the same way about myself that I felt just a few short years ago.
Whew. If you read this whole long story thanks for reading. I love you Peas and would not have said anything otherwise.
