Do you resent being "invisible?"

About 10 years ago (so I was 35ish) I needed to return a shirt I had bought at the store Express. My husband was with me. I asked the sales clerk, who happened to be male, a question, and he turned to my husband and answered him. I asked a follow up, and he did it again, and then again. The entire (probably 10 minute) transaction was completed without him ever looking at me and speaking, even though I was the one who bought and returned the shirt.

I walked out of that store and said to my husband that it was the weirdest experience I’d ever had. He hadn’t even noticed. 😂🤷🏼‍♀️

Since then I’ve been more aware of it, but that still stands out as the one time I can definitely say I was invisible.

The introverted part of me loves the idea of being invisible. The feminist in me resents the idea that I have to work at being “attractive” in order for my relevance to remain, while my husband just gets to exist.

I'll be 46 at the end of this month.

I developed early (I was a C cup in 4th grade), and have suffered through A LOT of unwanted sexual attention because of that. I don't miss receiving that type of attention.

On the ever rare occasion that I am given attention, it's far more respectful than when I was younger.

I dont mind the invisibility of middle age.

I don't do anything like fillers or Botox to combat aging. My hair has few silver strands, but I'm sure I'll be besties with my hairdresser when the time comes.

This is a interesting question. I've probably always been invisible to certain people, and in certain settings -- on the rare occasion in my 20's as a chubby girl in a bar for one! I have noticed in the last few years that I'm treated more like someone's mom than an older sister (I teach college, so I'm around young people a lot). But I don't usually feel invisible. I have a quirky retro style and I like accessories, and I have bright red hair, all of which I get attention for. I also make eye contact and talk to strangers a lot. I'm pretty approachable. There are tunes when I'd be happy to fade into the woodwork, but i don't think I do, most of the time. I will say that I wouldn't be particularly bothered by losing men's attention now that I am married, but I don't think I would like feeling invisible to everyone.

As long as I'm not invisible to the people in my life~~hubby, daughters~~I'm ok. I'm not above being assertive when, on the rare occasions I can't/won't be invisible, people are treating me that way.

I have spent a long time cultivating a personality that makes me very visible so I don't think I've ever allowed myself to be the kind of person who is admired for any kind of beauty standard. I think it goes way back to my childhood. We were poor and my parents didn't spend money on things like clothing and such so I was never able to conform like that. I also have bipolar disorder with a lot of mania and I wasn't medicated until I was 26 so I didn't have good control over myself. I made a real name for myself as the person who pretty much pushed the limits of societal norms. I think this combination of things really shaped who I am as a person and people's perceptions of who I am. No one would ever accuse me of being a wallflower. So I think my personality is probably what most people would isolate as memorable about me.

With that said, maybe it's just my own perception of myself. I'm not the sort to think about how other people look. And I'm not afraid to approach the stranger who is quietly hanging back from the group either. And I have always sought to remember people by how they made me feel. When I'm evaluating my own behavior I hope that people feel like I was warm toward them and put them at ease. This is my focus and I think this may be a matter of perception.

Yep!  I’m 71, but I am pretty happy flying under the radar at this stage of my life.  However, I am (was - my avatar represents my younger days, haven’t gotten around to changing it) a redhead, which always garnered more attention than I liked.  I am now fading gracefully (I hope) into the light strawberry blonde phase so my hair is not the attention-getter it used to be!  I’m not afraid to stand up for myself, so I think I do ok.  Now politically, being a blue dot in a tidal wave of red has also made me stand out.  I don’t bring up political stuff, but I don’t back down either.

Being overweight all my life, I definitely was invisible, but on the flipside, I had lines out my office door as I was the go to person that could solve everyone's problem. lol There was days I wish my name was not Debbie. Even the COO on ocassion say, go find Debbie, she'll know how to fix it. So, I am definitely not invisible when someone needs informaiton or advice. Even now that I'm retired, I have people calling all the time needing help with something in their business world. So the resentment I held due to people judging me for weight issues was totally reversed by the feeling of being needed and a vaulable rescource to others.

Yes.

I have not had that experience and I don't think my husband has either. When we are in a craft store (for me) or an automotive store (for him) together and ask a question, the sales people had done a great job at looking at both of us to answer. That would be so frustrating to be ignored when you don't want to be ignored.

My mom needed to buy a new car a few years ago. The first place they went to, the salesperson didn't look at my mom at all, just my dad. And they said the car was for my mom, so they should have addressed her. They left and did not buy a car from that dealership. The next dealership spoke to my mom when she told him the car was for her. They bought a car from that salesperson.

I've heard a few other women say this or read about women who feel this way. But I am curious what type of attention these women think is missing? No matter how I looked I would not expect to have random guys hitting on me when I am over 30 as opposed to how it was when I was in my 20's and going to bars or in college. People mature and not many men in those age ranges are hitting on women the same way as when they were younger, either. Not to mention that that type of behavior is not as accepted now as it was 20+ years ago.

In general I think that how people respond to someone else is related more to that person's confidence and personality than looks alone, but they are often tied together. I've heard people say that they get a lot more attention after losing weight. I think that is more about their confidence and what they put out into the world than what they weigh. If you watch any weight loss show or follow people on YT that have lost weight, you can definitely see a difference in how they present themselves as they lose weight, so of course people are going to respond to that. I suppose the same could go for feeling confident overall, and as we age we may not cultivate that the same as when we were younger.

I don’t resent it but there are moments I miss being the person who turns heads. I’ve always been relatively in shape and I love fashion. When I was young and attention was inappropriate it made me uncomfortable. Then came those years where it was appropriate and I was ‘that girl’. It wasn’t that I needed validation but I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy those years. Even after I got married it would drive ex-dh nuts that other men would look at me. I never wanted disrespectful attention but it was nice to know that my outfit or my hair or my makeup was eye catching.

I’m turning 50 this year. I don’t want attention, I certainly get less of it (like none). I do struggle with the fact that I still love fashion and makeup, not everyone in my age range does. I end up feeling overdone with some of my peers because I do put in the effort. I don’t want to be the old lady in the club looking like she’s trying too hard but I also don’t want to let go of the things I love.

Aging sucks.