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Post by manomo on Jan 2, 2015 5:17:01 GMT
I'm sorry that things turned out the way they did and sorry, too, that this is a continuing pattern for your family.
I may be way too late with this post to get an answer from you, peanuttle/Carrie but I had a question about something in one of your posts.
You wrote:
A few years ago, I got really pissed over something pretty huge the family did and I refused to step foot in any of their homes. It ended up being DH and my kids who suffered and wanted to know why they couldn't go see their cousins and family for Thanksgiving and Christmas like we always do... So, I bucked it up and am back to sitting through the BS with a smile on my face. A couple days per year of pain for me it worth to see DH and the kids happy.
It makes sense that you don't want to keep DH (and your kids) from seeing his family if that's what he chooses but do you have to go? I don't even know you and it makes me crazy what your family is putting up with. At this point, it's not about the chair. It's not about how your MIL disrespects your DH, disrespects you, and disrespects your kids because you expect that from her. At this point, for me, it would be about how I just couldn't be a part of watching my DH allow all of us to be treated that way. Do you have to go and watch your DH accept that you all are held in such disregard? Would you be able to let them go without you?
Hope things get better...
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,382
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Jan 2, 2015 5:27:25 GMT
I'm sorry. Good luck finding a new chair though.
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Post by ptamom on Jan 2, 2015 5:35:54 GMT
I'm sorry that things turned out the way they did and sorry, too, that this is a continuing pattern for your family.
I may be wait too late with this post to get an answer from you, peanuttle/Carrie but I had a question about something in one of your posts.
You wrote:
A few years ago, I got really pissed over something pretty huge the family did and I refused to step foot in any of their homes. It ended up being DH and my kids who suffered and wanted to know why they couldn't go see their cousins and family for Thanksgiving and Christmas like we always do... So, I bucked it up and am back to sitting through the BS with a smile on my face. A couple days per year of pain for me it worth to see DH and the kids happy.
It makes sense that you don't want to keep DH (and your kids) from seeing his family if that's what he chooses but do you have to go? I don't even know you and it makes me crazy what your family is putting up with. At this point, it's not about the chair. It's not about how your MIL disrespects your DH, disrespects you, and disrespects your kids because you expect that from her. At this point, for me, it would be about how I just couldn't be a part of watching my DH allow all of us to be treated that way. Do you have to go and watch your DH accept that you all are held in such disregard? Would you be able to let them go without you?
Hope things get better...
If they went without her, she'd be alone on Thanksgiving and Christmas. OP, good luck getting the money for the chair, and finding a replacement. Hopefully your FIL is going to come through. |
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conchita
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,141
Jul 1, 2014 11:25:58 GMT
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Post by conchita on Jan 2, 2015 5:36:21 GMT
I'm sorry that things turned out the way they did and sorry, too, that this is a continuing pattern for your family.
I may be wait too late with this post to get an answer from you, peanuttle/Carrie but I had a question about something in one of your posts.
You wrote:
A few years ago, I got really pissed over something pretty huge the family did and I refused to step foot in any of their homes. It ended up being DH and my kids who suffered and wanted to know why they couldn't go see their cousins and family for Thanksgiving and Christmas like we always do... So, I bucked it up and am back to sitting through the BS with a smile on my face. A couple days per year of pain for me it worth to see DH and the kids happy.
It makes sense that you don't want to keep DH (and your kids) from seeing his family if that's what he chooses but do you have to go? I don't even know you and it makes me crazy what your family is putting up with. At this point, it's not about the chair. It's not about how your MIL disrespects your DH, disrespects you, and disrespects your kids because you expect that from her. At this point, for me, it would be about how I just couldn't be a part of watching my DH allow all of us to be treated that way. Do you have to go and watch your DH accept that you all are held in such disregard? Would you be able to let them go without you?
Hope things get better...
This is how my Mom handled her MIL who hated her and how I handle my in laws as well. My husband has his relationship with his family, they have no interest in knowing me or my sons so we just stay away from one another. They also really don't have much to do with my husband either, it's a very distant and cordial kind of relationship he has with them all. I've only met my MIL once during the 16 years I've been married to her son. In my opinion, it's better to have a cold and distant non-interfering Mom than a passive aggressive manipulator who likes to get her way. |
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Post by mom2samlibby on Jan 2, 2015 5:40:36 GMT
Worst update ever. Lol. I understand your DH feels he's being the bigger person but we all know that fact is totally overlooked by his family. All they see is, they say jump and he asks how high. They'll never do anything but treat him and your family like second class. And you realize you'll never see the $$ for the chair right? I'm sad and angry for you.  Disappointed. I'd hoped you DH would have said no. |
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ellen
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,806 
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Post by ellen on Jan 2, 2015 5:43:00 GMT
I'm sorry to read this update too. I would encourage you to go onto Craig's List and hit some consignment furniture shops. You had a cool vintage chair and these types of chairs tend to surface. Last night my husband was sitting in a cool chair very similar to yours (that's why I really noticed it) at our friend's cabin and I asked him where it came from. It had been left at a cabin his parents bought back in the 80s. They didn't want it and he took it. Beautiful condition. If you were willing to look around a while, I think you could find something cool and redo it to your liking again. I hit garage sales, thrift shops, and consignment furniture stores often. This kind of thing is out there.
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Post by Chips on Jan 2, 2015 6:39:20 GMT
Ugh, the nut jobs have to be stopped from running the show! I am so sorry your mil is a Queen Nut Beoytch who is never going to change. This update is sad.
Please tell me termites some how found their way to the chair. That would be a way better end for the chair than having mil ass parked on it all time saying to herself "winning"!
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Post by leftturnonly on Jan 2, 2015 7:58:46 GMT
This is the first time I've seen this thread and the deed is already done.
I'm so sad for you and your hubby!
Make peace with the idea of never seeing a cent from the in-laws and seeing the chair left to ruin -again - by either a sister or the mother. Consider it your farewell gift to ever caring about what they think ever again.
What a rotten way to treat your child and his family!
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Post by lucyg on Jan 2, 2015 8:29:23 GMT
Still? STILL??
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Post by k8smom on Jan 2, 2015 8:47:17 GMT
Wowwwww! Your MIL sounds like a doozy! I wouldn't have given up the chair... they had multiple opportunities to take it over the years and didn't, and it sounds as though she's just being a green-eyed monster now because it looks so fab! No other previous home owner would leave multiple items in the home and expect them to be stored, free of charge, on the off chance they might want them back someday! Bad form, MIL, bad form!
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Post by mollycoddle on Jan 2, 2015 11:46:14 GMT
It's over and done with, and you are a class act. Your MIL certainly has a big clanking set of balls! So now, the only thing left to do is to find a really great chair and make sure that she sees a picture of it!  |
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Post by cade387 on Jan 2, 2015 12:10:01 GMT
I don't think delivering the chair makes him a class act. I will agree that not stuffing year old sardines in the lining does though.
I think giving over the chair makes him a coward and I'm sorry for you and your family that your DH won't put your treatment ahead of hers. I'm sad that he is teaching your kids that it is ok to treat family like garbage and then on top of it, you get a chair out of it.
Even giving a bill at this point does nothing as they won't pay anyway and they will just dismiss the number as you guys having sour grapes over stealing "her" chair.
I know this isn't a life or death kind of thing, but the treatment he has shown you and the kids really just leaves me speechless.
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Post by jonda1974 on Jan 2, 2015 16:00:22 GMT
So sad to hear about this update. I hate when people roll over and let others walk all over them. Especially family. OP, you need to stand up for your husband since he won't, as someone needs to put this evil woman in her place. The chair may be gone, but in all honesty, you need to unload everything on her about her behavior.
I know it is hard, but unfortunately I don't think your husband did the upstanding thing. The upstanding thing would have been to stand up to his mother regardless. I know he was in a tough situation, and that puts you in a tough situation, but the brave things like Cade said would have been to tell her to stuff it.
I guarantee you that chair is staying at your SIL house. It will never end up at MIL. You will never see any of the money you put into it. I honestly hope at this point the chair breaks when she sits in it. (without her getting hurt of course).
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Post by momof3pits on Jan 2, 2015 16:09:15 GMT
So sad to hear about this update. I hate when people roll over and let others walk all over them. Especially family. OP, you need to stand up for your husband since he won't, as someone needs to put this evil woman in her place. The chair may be gone, but in all honesty, you need to unload everything on her about her behavior. I know it is hard, but unfortunately I don't think your husband did the upstanding thing. The upstanding thing would have been to stand up to his mother regardless. I know he was in a tough situation, and that puts you in a tough situation, but the brave things like Cade said would have been to tell her to stuff it. I guarantee you that chair is staying at your SIL house. It will never end up at MIL. You will never see any of the money you put into it. I honestly hope at this point the chair breaks when she sits in it. (without her getting hurt of course). I agree! Letting your wife and children repeatedly be treated like crap isn't taking the high road, sorry. At some point you teach people how to treat you, and letting MIL be toxic and run the show is on DH and you for allowing it. |
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Montannie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,486
Location: Big Sky Country
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Post by Montannie on Jan 2, 2015 16:13:04 GMT
I don't know. Maybe DH feels like the chair is now a representation of how much his mother cares for herself, and not for him. A demonstration of her non-existent motherly love. I'm not sure I'd want the reminder around, either. It is a sad situation for the OP's DH.
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Post by momof3pits on Jan 2, 2015 16:21:23 GMT
I don't know. Maybe DH feels like the chair is now a representation of how much his mother cares for herself, and not for him. A demonstration of her non-existent motherly love. I'm not sure I'd want the reminder around, either. It is a sad situation for the OP's DH. He could have made his feelings known while handing over the chair. In my opinion, he should have stood up for his wife a long time ago when we started forcing herself to go back to holiday events and putting her DH first since it doesn't seem like he gives her the same courtesy. |
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Montannie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,486
Location: Big Sky Country
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Post by Montannie on Jan 2, 2015 16:36:35 GMT
He could have made his feelings known while handing over the chair. In my opinion, he should have stood up for his wife a long time ago when we started forcing herself to go back to holiday events and putting her DH first since it doesn't seem like he gives her the same courtesy. If he had a healthy relationship with his mother, he might have been able to do so. But I think his mom is a narcissist. I just imagine that trying to make his feelings known might be very hard, and probably an exercise in futility anyway. |
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Post by momof3pits on Jan 2, 2015 16:40:55 GMT
He could have made his feelings known while handing over the chair. In my opinion, he should have stood up for his wife a long time ago when we started forcing herself to go back to holiday events and putting her DH first since it doesn't seem like he gives her the same courtesy. If he had a healthy relationship with his mother, he might have been able to do so. But I think his mom is a narcissist. I just imagine that trying to make his feelings known might be very hard, and probably an exercise in futility anyway. I think there comes a point when you accept that people don't deserve to be in your life. You let them know and let them go. Bowing down to her demands while remaining silent about it and taking it isn't noble. Being the bigger person in our family would have meant handing over the chair while still sticking up for our nuclear family and then removing ourselves from that toxicity for awhile. I get tired of people always saying family is blood, family is family, it's all you have in life. Bullshit. Family are made by character and how they treat you not DNA. I'm not going to be treated like shit and put a smile on my face because you might be related to me or DH by blood. |
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Jan 2, 2015 16:55:14 GMT
Sorry for the delay in updating! I have not been on the computer much and had no update until two days ago. DH delivered the chair to his mom at SIL's house on Monday after I went to work. He did not get money. FIL asked how much and DH said he would send him the total. We will see how this turns out. Needless to say, I am not happy in the least. I know DH doesn't want to deal with his mom, but can't help by feel like he's rolling over. I think he is just over it and tired of the drama, which would surly continue if he put up a fight. He is not ready to cut ties with the entire family and I think that's where this would lead. I have to respect his decision. I am not sure what I would do if it were my mom, although that's hard to imagine because she would never pull a shenanigan like this. I have started chair shopping a bit and saw the one at Pier 1, however the color options don't match our decor. I can see it will be difficult and very expensive to replace. I have found several I like at Lay z boy, but with custom fabric were talking $1200+. I haven't read all of the replies, but did he at any point tell her or his dad how much money you put into the chair? That right there may have been the end of it if they realized that you spent $600 plus lots of time. |
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Post by claire on Jan 2, 2015 17:12:49 GMT
OP, you handled this situation really well. I have a similar mother as your husband, and it took me 15 years of therapy to see her antics for what they were/are. How is your MIL treating your children? I have a really hard time imagining her as a loving grandmother. How does your husband deal with MIL's behaviour towards his children? Do the children need to accept it in the same way as he does? (I really hope not.)
If your husband is open to it, maybe you could give him some reading material on narcissistic mothers. There are several good articles on Psychology Today.
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Post by femalebusiness on Jan 2, 2015 17:14:53 GMT
I totally understand the demanding mother-in-law. She demands and she gets. People will do whatever they can get away with. What I don't understand is the spineless people who put up with that crap.
My mother-in-law was very demanding and thought her way was the only way. Every time she started that crap with me I made her explain why she thought she should be able to dictate to me or mine. I also would ask her what her response would be if her mother-in-law tried to interfere in her life.
Ya know what? I was her favorite even above her own kids and I adored that woman. We had quite a few "discussions" over the years but we both grew from them. I was never mad or angry because there was no danger of her getting her way when she was being unreasonable. In fact I was usually amused by her attempts.
I just don't understand people who won't stand up for themselves. Think what that teaches the children. These same people will wonder why their kids were bullied into doing things that they know they shouldn't do.....because their parents do, that's why.
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MizIndependent
Drama Llama
Quit your bullpoop.
Posts: 5,836
Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
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Post by MizIndependent on Jan 2, 2015 17:15:09 GMT
I haven't read all of the replies, but did he at any point tell her or his dad how much money you put into the chair? That right there may have been the end of it if they realized that you spent $600 plus lots of time. Some people get nothing but joy out of doing exactly this though. They're the same people who like taking candy from small children...just to watch them cry. OP - I know it's disappointing (even for this bystander) but, giving the chair back gives them one less thing to hold over you in the future. You can look at it as a stepping stone to true freedom from them!  And that is very worth giving up a chair for. Think of all the negativity that went out the door with it! And every time your mil looks at it she'll be thinking of you.  Besides, you will find an even MORE awesome chair! I just hope she really gives you the money. Please let us know when she does. |
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Post by jonda1974 on Jan 2, 2015 17:37:15 GMT
I haven't read all of the replies, but did he at any point tell her or his dad how much money you put into the chair? That right there may have been the end of it if they realized that you spent $600 plus lots of time. Some people get nothing but joy out of doing exactly this though. They're the same people who like taking candy from small children...just to watch them cry. OP - I know it's disappointing (even for this bystander) but, giving the chair back gives them one less thing to hold over you in the future. You can look at it as a stepping stone to true freedom from them! And that is very worth giving up a chair for. Think of all the negativity that went out the door with it! And every time your mil looks at it she'll be thinking of you. Besides, you will find an even MORE awesome chair! I just hope she really gives you the money. Please let us know when she does. I agree with you Miz - but I also think that in a lot of cases, we say that someone has something to hold over our heads, but only if that person's opinion matters. I have gotten to the point in life where if I feel someone is a negative influence, I cut them out of my life.I am only spending energy on people who deserve it. Being the bigger person for me has become not letting the bully win. Even if its family. I have learned from watching my mother and her mother that there is being a bigger person and being a doormat, and most of the time what we tend to describe as the bigger person is rolling over. There's no self-respect in that unfortunately. But I know it's not easy when someone has lived with it their whole life as this poor husband has. That's why I feel that the OP as his wife should stand up for him, and let her have it full blast. |
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Jan 2, 2015 17:44:22 GMT
I just feel that the DH is continuing to be passive by saying, "I'll send a total" rather than, "We put $600 into the chair, which we would need to recoup in order to buy a new one.It has also grown to be sentimental to us, not only because of it's history in the family but because of the time and care that we took in restoring it." I'm wondering what the DH did say to his parents about the chair, or if he just kept it all to himself.
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ellen
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,806
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Post by ellen on Jan 2, 2015 17:53:46 GMT
I find it disappointing that your fil didn't tell his wife to just drop the chair issue, so I'm guessing that everyone fears your mil. Yes, your husband could have refused to give up the chair on principle. Is it worth it? Probably not.
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Post by trainscrapper on Jan 2, 2015 18:09:28 GMT
After reading the majority of this post I have to say she must be one unhappy lady. How could anyone do such a petty thing to a family member and not have it eat at them on the inside, especially doing it out of meanness? When we were growing up we were told doing ugly things would be "written in your book and some day you will answer for that" (grandma's words). So I say you were the bigger person in this situation, and since they say everything happens for a reason, I bet you will eventually find a chair that will be better than that one, and she will have to envy it even more. Good luck and let us see a picture when you find one.
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Post by jonda1974 on Jan 2, 2015 18:12:37 GMT
Just curious as to why it wouldn't be worth fighting for your principles? Not being argumentative, but I hear this a lot not just here, but in real life too.
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ellen
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,806
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Post by ellen on Jan 2, 2015 18:18:56 GMT
Just curious as to why it wouldn't be worth fighting for your principles? Not being argumentative, but I hear this a lot not just here, but in real life too. I am a peacemaker. I'd rather give up the chair than have my mother pissed at me over a chair. I don't think you can change people like this. |
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Post by scrappysurfer on Jan 2, 2015 18:35:45 GMT
Just curious as to why it wouldn't be worth fighting for your principles? Not being argumentative, but I hear this a lot not just here, but in real life too. I am a peacemaker. I'd rather give up the chair than have my mother pissed at me over a chair. I don't think you can change people like this. Which is exactly why there is no point in giving in to their demands. This family has a long history of treating her DH like crap when he's done nothing but try to be a part of the family. At the expense of OPs feelings. To me it's disgusting, on their part and his. The only thing he accomplished by "returning" the chair was to hurt his wife. She has stated this repeatedly. That's no "class act". |
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
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Post by georgiapea on Jan 2, 2015 18:36:19 GMT
I just can't imagine someone who would demand a piece of custom upholstered furniture that matched the rest of the pieces. I also know myself well enough that it would have become "The hill of death". You folks are so much better than I am.
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And that is very worth giving up a chair for. Think of all the negativity that went out the door with it! And every time your mil looks at it she'll be thinking of you. 
