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Post by crimsoncat05 on Dec 17, 2014 19:42:33 GMT
'How can my mother telling me that I'm nasty and a liar and whatever else, when she praises my sister continuously, NOT hurt? And these comments from her aren't a passing few in the middle of praise; I can't remember the last time she said something positive about me. When I do try to calmly stand up to her, "mom, it really hurts when you say that", "mom, it really stresses me out when you say negative things about my home", etc, she replies with great anger, and criticism, and tells me that if *I* wasn't so angry and depressed, that this wouldn't be a problem, and I should go to therapy.'
talking to a therapist can help you to understand that what your Mom says is about HER limitations, not about YOU. There's something in HER makeup that makes her act the way she does, and it has nothing to do with YOU.
For example: I learned from seeing my counselor that the main reason I have issues with going new places and meeting new people is because it's something my parents never did... they live a very small, sheltered life overall, which is fine for them, but the way they live also affected me, growing up. Now that I understand that, I'm not limited by it any more, and it's allowed me to change the way I live MY life.
I haven't read thru the entire thread yet, so I don't know if you take medication for depression or not... but I also want to add: I took EVERY-thing waaaay personally before I started taking anti-depressants. Even the most innocent of comments could make me fly off the handle and start wondering 'what's wrong with me that they would say that?' even if it had NOTHING to do with me at all. The chemical imbalance messed up how I interpreted things. Even now, if I forget my medication for only a couple days, I start to feel like that again, but at least now I know why it happens and get right back on the medication.
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trying
New Member
Posts: 9
Aug 20, 2014 17:31:39 GMT
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Post by trying on Dec 17, 2014 20:06:05 GMT
Thank you very, very much everyone. I am carefully thinking about these replies. I am going to read them over again and think and see if I can make myself view therapy in a different way, because I wake up every day thinking I can't live another day like this. I KNOW something needs to change, it just all seems very hopeless.
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Post by dreamer on Dec 17, 2014 20:15:43 GMT
Trying: I have a critical mother. I love her but it is hurtful at times. I just wanted to share something that helped me. Louise Hays. She explained that as a baby we are perfect. We love ourselves. Everything about ourselves we love. Then the people around us, circumstances etc..start I can't remember her exact quote but chipping away at our self esteem.
So she goes on. If someone calls you a Pink/ Purple Polka dotted Hippo is that truth? Obviously not but if you keep hearing it at some point you may start to actually begin to believe. That is why just because someone says something DOES NOT MEAN IT IS TRUTH. It only is if you choose to believe them. Hugs to you!
I have to tell you. I've started Meditating which I never really understood until now and it has helped me tremendously. I feel ....well.... lighter. Another Hug. I"m not a therapist. I've been to therapy and decided to continue my quest on my own. Its taken many many years for me to get to this point. I"m in my 50's don't wait that long. You deserve Happiness NOW! You need to Choose to be Happy. Choose to believe you deserve to be happy. Even if those around you choose not to love you. Hugs to you again.
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Post by peasapie on Dec 17, 2014 20:18:33 GMT
Maybe you need to start changing the other things in your life. (Hit send too soon.) What I wanted to say is that a couple of my family members had some things about them that caused real conflict for me in my life. I did go to therapy, and one thing I learned is that pleasing others can't be my goal because I won't ever succeed. I had to eventually change my expectations and stop thinking they would be someone other than who they are. Many people are threatened by the idea of facing and fixing themselves, and my relatives were among them. And that knowledge led me to understand I wanted to limit the time I spent with them. It's a choice we get to make.
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Post by mikklynn on Dec 17, 2014 21:05:46 GMT
I am sorry you don't like the answer peppermintpatty gave you. I agree with her and mean no offense. You can't change other people. You can only change how you react to them and/or deal with life issues. I am sorry you are hurting.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 27, 2024 1:39:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2014 22:22:24 GMT
Thank you very, very much everyone. I am carefully thinking about these replies. I am going to read them over again and think and see if I can make myself view therapy in a different way, because I wake up every day thinking I can't live another day like this. I KNOW something needs to change, it just all seems very hopeless. I won't lie to you. Getting through therapy is one of the hardest things you will ever do or attempt to do. You have to do the work... HARD work. It is like this.. in order to see things differently than before you need new "eyewear" so to speak, . Now, if you just hold two pieces of glass up to your face you'll not understand how wearing glasses is going to help (this is where you are right now with therapy). the therapist will help you build a new set of eyewear that fits your eyes and helps you see much more clearly and with greater focus. Then your therapist is going to show you how to build a shovel, a pick ax and other tools needed to tackle the problems. They don't do the work and they can't change the nature of the other characters in your life. But they can help you with the blueprints on how to built all kinds of things in your world that will let you become the master who changes conditions you live in. Like I said, HARD WORK. But so very worth it.
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,692
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Dec 17, 2014 22:40:09 GMT
There are a couple of things that have stuck with me since I was in therapy.
1. I will put on a Teflon suit of armour. That means that I will adjust my mindset so that whatever negative is said to me or about me will slid off of me like Teflon does when an egg is in a frying pan. Kinda like a mind over matter thing, it takes time, but it can/does work.
2. I will say that I am F.I.N.E. when someone asks how I am. Because I am F(*cked) I(nside) N(normal) E(xterior). There are some other works that can work with this acroynon.
3. I will say NO and mean it. I will not let someone walk all over me and I will (& have) very politely said excuse me and either left or have gone to a different part of the house until the Teflon suit re-activates.
4. I am a person of worth. I deserve being respected AS MUCH AS I RESPECT THE OTHER PERSON. If I do not respect a person, I simply will not talk to them, because I CAN. This can be done politely, such as excusing yourself to go to the restroom or somewhere else.
5. Learn to love yourself. All your quirks (we all have them) and your qualities. Reinforce within yourself that you do love yourself. Care for your own body and mine and soul. Only you can love yourself as much as you need to and can treat yourself as you want to be treated. Such as taking a nice bath to soothe yourself or getting your hair styled how you like it or simply taking time out and sitting in a park and enjoying the warmth of the sun or even the coolness of a breeze.
( ( ( hugs ) ) )
Go to a work site and you will see the sign "Please excuse this mess, under construction".
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Post by myboysnme on Dec 17, 2014 23:07:44 GMT
Dreamer mentioned meditation. You may also be interested in starting yoga. Yoga can help you get to a more tranquil place and you can do it pretty much for free.
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Dec 18, 2014 0:52:45 GMT
I'm sorry your mom is so awful to you. That truly sux. It sounds like you need to severely lessen the time you spend with her. She's toxic and it's poisoning you. My guess is she's always been this way and always will be. I know you want to have a nice, sweet mom but it sounds like you don't. It's like having a porcupine and picking it up to pet it like a soft kitten but it's not a soft kitten and it never will be. It's a rough, pokey porcupine and wishing it was a kitten won't make it so. You have to learn to live with a porcupine knowing it will always be just that. In my (totally unprofessional) opinion you might not need more therapy, you need to get your mom out of your life. ((hugs))
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Post by mrsscrapdiva on Dec 18, 2014 1:51:25 GMT
Exactly. And maybe this person (therapist) isn't a right fit for you.
But that being said, what it comes down to is either you accept your situation and the people in it in by learning coping strategies or you change your situation. But you can not change others.
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Post by freecharlie on Dec 18, 2014 6:00:09 GMT
While I think a professional wod be best, what about some self help books? I'd start with one on how to deal with toxic family members.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 27, 2024 1:39:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2014 6:57:34 GMT
I do yoga and it makes me feel good. Try it a few times.
There are great therapists out there. Finding the right one is the only way it will work.
My parents had to leave their hometown because my grandmother (who I loved so dearly and miss terribly, was toxic for my mom.) once my parents moved away their marriage get stronger and they were happier.my grandmother couldn't call my mom 5x day anymore as it was long distance.
Just something some people had to do...
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Post by leftturnonly on Dec 18, 2014 8:34:13 GMT
I don't WANT to go to the expense and time and put in all the energy to change the way I see things and the way I feel, when everyone else around me gets to keep being who they are. This just leaped out at me. Other people *get* to be who they are. Like life is some mysterious kind of punishment/reward game that everyone but you knows how to play. Except life isn't like that. Word choice is everything. Change the words you use and you change your perspective. Change your perspective and you see things you didn't see before. Change what you see and you change your understanding of the world. Change your understanding of the world and your entire sense of the meaning of life shifts. Isn't that what you want? I thought therapy was supposed to help you become yourself, not try to change you into someone else.
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M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
Jun 29, 2014 12:11:41 GMT
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Post by M in Carolina on Dec 18, 2014 10:08:58 GMT
I started therapy after my dad died just so I could process my deep pain. My therapist was wonderful and helped me with other issues in my life. I also have depression, and my therapist was also a psychiatrist so she prescribed meds to help my chemical imbalances as well as help me sleep--if you can't sleep well, your brain just won't work right.
My mom is very difficult and can be toxic. That would be true whether I have depression or not. She is that way with everyone--and not all of them have depression. My depression caused me to not be able to deal with what my mom said in a healthy manner. I couldn't see that her actions were responses of her toxicity and unhappiness in *her* life. What she was saying to me wasn't true. I felt really badly about what she said because I no longer had the armour to make those toxic statements bounce off.
I learned the tools to be able to be around people like my mom for short periods of time and not be affected by her poison. Therapy and changing my mindset was like taking an antidote before I saw her. I can't completely remove her from my life. She's not all bad. I've also noticed that not being negative back to her when she tries to rile me up takes away her power. She's not been as negative to me because it doesn't work.
In this world we can't change how others act, but we can change the way we react to them.
My SIL is nasty to me. Since I started therapy, I've seen that she's just jealous. It's her problem, not mine, like she tries to say it is. Her barbs don't hurt me anymore because I see her as she truly is.
I do keep working on myself. Happiness is a choice. I'm not happy when I stew in the negativity of others. I can choose not to listen to those people and think about other things. I can choose not to be around them--or if I have to be around them, I can choose not to engage them. I find small things every day that make me happy.
I've also noticed that my happiness rubs off on others. My dh is more positive to me. My attitude in my home affects my dh. When I react kindly and am positive, he is more positive and both of us are happier. When I'm really depressed and am all negative, he reacts by not wanting to be around me, which makes me more negative, and the spiral continues.
Since I learned coping skills to see when I'm being negative and how it affects the attitude in my home, I am able to help my dh be more positive which makes us both happy.
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Post by claire on Dec 18, 2014 10:47:29 GMT
I am so sorry that you have a depression. I think I can relate to that, I have been depressed for a lot of time in my life (had chronic depression since I was 7, 8 years old). My mother said the same nasty things to me as your mother to you. Four therapies didn't help me with that, the fifth therapy finally did. With the help of a wonderful, wonderful book that I read indepently from the therapy: Will I ever be good enough?, by Karyl McBride. It helped me to understand how my mother is wired and that her unhappiness is NOT my fault. For me, that is what therapy is all about: understanding the world and understanding myself. And you know what? I haven't been depressed in over two years (ans have never used any medication). That is a miracle to me! Because the people around me haven't changed and I haven't changed. I have only become myself more. I hope very, very much the same will be possible for you. Kudos for coming here and posting, that's a big step!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 27, 2024 1:39:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2014 11:35:22 GMT
Just echoing what many others have said here, but a friend who is a social worker describes therapy as "filling your toolbox."
It isn't going to change anyone else, and isn't going to change who you are, but it will help you respond better, both internally and externally, to others.
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Post by marg on Dec 18, 2014 15:38:32 GMT
Just a few ideas:
If the logistics of getting to therapy are too difficult right now, I really suggest reading some books. Claire Weekes' Hope and Help for Your Nerves really helped me deal with my anxiety - seriously, just reading the book helped, before I even started putting it into practice. I just felt more peaceful after reading it.
There are some good books about dealing with narcissists or difficult people, as well, just look up reviews on Amazon.
Second, I had to learn not to internalize things. I have a nasty SIL, and I used to get so worked up and cry so much when she was so hateful - but she truly doesn't affect me anymore at all once I realized that she is the problem, not me. It helps me tremendously to think of her as mentally ill (narcissistic) and to feel sorry for her. Her comments and behaviours literally don't affect me at all - sometimes I actually play a game with my husband before family get togethers - I tell him that who ever gets the nastiest comment from her wins ($10 or whatever we decide), or whoever has the guts to ask her certain questions (nothing mean, just stuff we know would annoy her) wins $10, stuff like that. Makes the get together much more interesting, and it's just between the two of us so I don't think we're being mean.
Third, I think you need to distance yourself from your mother. If you can make friends, great - maybe through your children's playgroups or school or whatever, but if not - at least distance yourself from your mother. Nothing good can come from that relationship at this point.
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doglover
Full Member
Posts: 233
Jun 27, 2014 14:50:33 GMT
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Post by doglover on Dec 18, 2014 16:24:51 GMT
I will tell you two things that have worked for me that aren't therapy.
1. Gratitude -- I heard a podcast (TED Talk) about a study that showed that happy workers are more productive workers. A consultant would go into companies and tell the employees that they had to write 3 things they are grateful for each day, and they couldn't repeat the same things. It only took 2-3 minutes a day. At the end of the month, people were significantly happier.
I tried this, and it has worked for me. When I start to have a negative attitude now, I've learned to look around for the something I can be grateful for at that moment. It can be something as simple as being grateful that I'm in a warm room and not living in the cold. Until recent history, this must have been a huge issue for people.
I found it also helps me with my view of the people around me. I've started thinking of 3 positive attributes of my husband, or 3 nice things he did for me that day. It can be something like he worked, which he does every day. Not everybody has a husband that is willing to work. It can be that he didn't get upset when I was 10 minutes late. I appreciate him more since starting this.
2. Scrapbooking - I always scrapbook positive experiences I've had. What has helped me is that when I am working on my pages, I am re-living positive experiences. It automatically turns my thoughts towards the positive. It has changed the ratio in my life between time spent on thinking about negative things and the time spent on positive things. This is the #1 reason I like scrapbooking. I like this part more than the creative outlet or the memory keeping. I'm sure there are other ways to achieve this same result, but scrapbooking works for me. I NEVER scrapbook anything that will make me sad. When I look through my books, I see a lot of nice experiences. Even something as simple as stopping for an ice cream cone.
I have come to realize that I am the type of person that becomes depressed if I spend time talking or dwelling on negative things in my life. This is why gratitude and scrapbooking help me in a way that therapy wouldn't. I am also easily influenced by outside forces -- this is why I try to limit my exposure to the news and try to read happy books.
Obviously, this is not going to correct chemical inbalances or work for severe depression.
But I have been amazed how much of an impact these two habits have made in my life.
Edited to add: I am very careful about who I spend time with. If I spend time with someone and consistently feel worse after our interaction, I try to really limit my exposure to them.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 27, 2024 1:39:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2014 16:57:21 GMT
My biggest issue preventing me from seeking out and keeping with therapy is that I resent it. I resent having to retrain the way I think. I don't WANT to go to the expense and time and put in all the energy to change the way I see things and the way I feel, when everyone else around me gets to keep being who they are. Going to therapy isn't going to make my husband more communicative. Going to therapy isn't going to make my mom stop saying things like that I'm a liar, or nasty, or fake. I honestly feel like going to therapy is just a big huge LIE. Retraining my brain to think I'm worthwhile and happy and things are good, is just stupid, because they aren't. It's easy to say that I'm the owner of my own happiness, but I don't want a stupid fake happiness that is just a big lie. So, I'm sure that all of these feelings about therapy is just part of my depression, but even when I'm successfully medicated I still feel the same way. I hate the exercises. I hate feeling like I need to trick my brain into seeing things the way they aren't. If you've ever felt this way about therapy, did you change your mind? What helped? The main thing I learned when I was working withe a life coach was that I cannot control other people' actions/emotions/feelings/etc. I am responsible for my own thoughts/emotions/feeling. I get to CHOOSE how I want to see the world and no one controls that. I also learned expecting people to do things I want them to do was a major point of conflict - when people didn't meet my expectations or did not do what I thought they should be doing then I was not "worth" the effort. Because you are dealing with new ways to handle emotions it will feel fake. It's not your normal mode of operation. You should be learning techniques from your counselor on how to handle these situations that bring up these emotions. You have to practice them. You have to pay attention in your real life of when you encounter a conflicting situation and engage the new ways of feeling and communicating. Nothing will change if you can't/don't practice. In a nutshell, it helped me throw a big FU to the responses, actions, and expectations of others and do things MY way - to validate myself and give myself permission that this is my life and I am going to live it the way I want. Your meeting with a counselor for a reason. If you didn't want things to change you wouldn't be making the choice to invest time and energy into this what can be a draining process - you are tearing down a rebuilding/remodeling your inner self for a better life. It took me three separate times over a course of four years to really engage with my coach and break through the past that was holding me down. It was exhausting. It was emotionally draining but I am so glad I now stand strong and I am no longer a "victim" to emotions - mine or anyone else's.
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
Jun 27, 2014 18:02:10 GMT
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Post by georgiapea on Dec 18, 2014 20:58:31 GMT
LostInSpace, I really like the points you made and feel they are very helpful.
Trying, I think I was about 8 or 9 when I finally accepted that my mother didn't actually 'like' me. It took a long time after that to get to a place where that didn't bother me. I remember as an adult saying to her "Life just hasn't been any fun lately" and her replying "Who said it was supposed to be?". After gasping, I said that whoever had told her it wasn't had lied to her. Then I left.
If she treats your sister differently than she does you, it's time to break contact. Make it so you don't know how she is treating your sister either by totally avoiding one or the other or both of them.
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trying
New Member
Posts: 9
Aug 20, 2014 17:31:39 GMT
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Post by trying on Apr 9, 2015 17:33:38 GMT
Update: This quote from dreamer really struck me: and it made me realize that I didn't always think I was worthless and a horrible person. I'm not sure when that change happened. But I just wanted to update and say that I've been thinking about everything that has been said here, over the past four months. I made it a goal to value myself. It's not easy, and I'm having a really really REALLY horrible time right now, so I came back here to read these reminders and advice.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,750
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Apr 9, 2015 17:39:10 GMT
I really hope you will get to the place where you will find peace. Therapy is hard, it does take time. I will be thinking of you as I did miss your first post.
My therapist said to try a mantra to yourself. So, if you are feeling horrible and nothing is going right, you find something positive to say to yourself, like I am a nice person or I can do this or I can be happy. Think of something that fits YOU. This really helped me get past some of the depression I was going through after I left my XH. And it became natural, I no longer think of myself the way I did then.
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Post by mikklynn on Apr 9, 2015 17:40:21 GMT
I'm glad you are re-reading the positive comments here. I think you are running a marathon, not a sprint. Hang in there, dear Pea.
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Post by Regina Phalange on Apr 9, 2015 17:45:18 GMT
I changed my therapist. Seriously, finding the RIGHT person to talk to made all the difference. I was very resistant at first because I felt like 'they' were just going to tell me what to do, but she didn't tell me anything - she listened while I talked, and occasionally pointed out things that I was saying..and I realised the answers had been inside me all along I just needed to let them out. The things with your mom or your husband...you can't change them. And you are not responsible for other people. I don't think it's right that a therapist should be telling you to accept things and pretend that everything is rosy. But they should perhaps consider WHY you feel the way you do and give you tools to cope differently. This. Took me four therapists. I was just picking them out of my Insurance provider directory. Then I picked a PsyD. Doctorate level, she was amazing. I realized that for the most part, I was trying to get my mother the therapy that she refuses to seek out but so desperately needs. I was trying to get help for HER so I could better deal with her. My last therapist helped me understand that I have ZERO control over what my mother says or does, but 100% control over how I react to it. It saved my relationship with my mother. My first therapist just kept saying "And how did that make you feel?" My second therapist was the biggest digresser I have ever met. We would end up in conversations about places I mentioned I visited, or food, or something just stupid that had nothing to do with why I was there.
Hope this helps!
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Post by compwalla on Apr 9, 2015 17:47:31 GMT
Therapy doesn't make your life better. It gives you the tools to improve your life. That could mean you learn to deal with a family member who isn't treating you well or you muster up the courage to cut the person from your life or gain the confidence to confront the person face to face and handle whatever the fallout is. That's what therapy is for. I think that deep down people know that gaining those tools can lead to make major changes in their life and the prospect of this is totally scary and so they resist treatment.
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Post by leslie132 on Apr 9, 2015 18:00:19 GMT
It saved my life. After my daughter died I felt that I should have climbed in that casket with her. I was at the lowest point I had ever hit. It was depression, shock, grieving and anger all rolled into one ball of yarn.
I don't look at therapy as trying to get me to think like others or change how others think. It was all about ME AND HOW I NEEDED TO ADJUST. My therapist taught me things that I still use 4 years later. And I am thinking about starting back as a monthly follow up. I'm in a terrific place, but she taught me invaluable life skills and I think I would love more.
When my husband was diagnosed 2 years ago with his brain tumor. She was the first one on the phone telling me she canceled appointments and would be right down. And at that time I wasn't even an active client. She heard this from a friend who see's her! I used so many points from Kennedy's passing to keep my husband afloat. It had so many threads that weaved together.
So I don't think you need to worry about anything other than a therapist getting you comfortable. Let them give you tips on navigating thru life. And with those tips you will see how it interacts with so many areas!! And you will know how to let others opinions effect you!!
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
Jun 27, 2014 18:02:10 GMT
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Post by georgiapea on Apr 9, 2015 18:10:51 GMT
I'm glad you came back with an update. Please continue to feel positively about yourself and avoid contact with your mother whenever possible.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Apr 9, 2015 19:05:01 GMT
I went to a therapist for almost 1 1/2 years. I stopped going only because she moved 5 hours away. That was almost 2 years ago. Now that I got insurance that covers therapy I am going to start going again. I need to find a new therapist and I am hoping that she is close to being as good as the one I was going to. It really helped me. I know there are a lot more stuff I have to deal with but I can say that I am a revised person. I do know that I am worthy.
I like this saying that my therapist said.
"I am worthy because I am alive and I breath. This is the only thing I have to worry about. nothing makes me unworthy."
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Rainbow
Pearl Clutcher
Where salt is in the air and sand is at my feet...
Posts: 4,103
Jun 26, 2014 5:57:41 GMT
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Post by Rainbow on Apr 9, 2015 22:35:31 GMT
I have felt this way before. I used to argue with the therapist who wanted me to see bad things in a different way, LOL. I don't pretend or give in to a lie that everything is OK because it isn't. I'm sure I tried the patience of the therapist many times. Eventually we clicked and she even called a family member on the phone and grilled her for an explanation of what the sam hill she was doing and why. It was great! I've also come to the realization that those who really, really need therapy will never get it. They won't. They see it as a sign of weakness. They are the kind who will pat you on the head and say awww, you poor thing - when they are the reason you are in therapy in the first place! And I don't believe/fall for everything the therapist wants me to. Sometimes it's psychobabble. Sometimes not. Pick and choose out of the therapy what works for you. Not all of it will.
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Post by scrapmaven on Apr 10, 2015 0:21:36 GMT
Therapy isn't about retraining my brain or teaching me to be happy. It's about coping w/the things that make me unhappy and expressing my feelings about those things. It's a way for me to voice out loud the things that I tell myself and it's also a safe place for me to discuss my deepest feelings. I am not happier because I'm in therapy, but I have developed some great coping skills and I am able to see that things aren't hopeless. Therapy is different for each of us and it's truly what you make of it. A great therapist is a true gift.
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